Tcr

YAY!  Another review from @InBrightestDay.  It's always a pleasure, just like with SinfulWolf on Hunted, to read your reviews, InBrightestDay.
From InBrightestDay on February 23, 2019
 
Chapter 7
Sorry I didn't review this before Chapter 8 came out.  I was kind of depressed for a while and didn't have a lot of motivation to write reviews, so now I'm playing catchup.
Well, this was short but definitely enjoyable.  I don't know if it had been established before that Celeste had a problem with compulsive sexual behavior, but that's definitely another layer of sad on top of everything else that's happened to her (five times a day seems like a problem rather than a healthy sex drive).  I can't decide whether Adara helping her is sweet or sad, given their baggage.
On the funnier side, apparently Celeste found the busiest closet in history.  I mean, seriously, what were the odds of that?
***
Sorry I didn't review this before Chapter 8 came out.  I was kind of depressed for a while and didn't have a lot of motivation to write reviews, so now I'm playing catchup.
Firstly, you don't have to apologize.  Taking care of yourself is a lot more important than reviews.  As much as reviews are nice, it's better knowing that you're doing good.  Secondly, it's kind of my fault; I pushed 8 in a little early because work schedule bizarre this week.
Well, this was short but definitely enjoyable.  I don't know if it had been established before that Celeste had a problem with compulsive sexual behavior, but that's definitely another layer of sad on top of everything else that's happened to her (five times a day seems like a problem rather than a healthy sex drive).  I can't decide whether Adara helping her is sweet or sad, given their baggage.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I don't believe I made it explicit in Chapter 1 or 2 and this was much of an afterthought, as I had already written Chapter 7 (now 8) and someone reading it pointed out that it just seemed the first solo was out of nowhere.  So this was kind of to remedy that and explore a little.  And yeah, 5 might be pushing it, but I read that occasionally, people have gone for upwards seven...  And yeah, Adara is fun to write because she's more a gray area than anything.
On the funnier side, apparently Celeste found the busiest closet in history.  I mean, seriously, what were the odds of that?
I will not argue that.  She got the worst closet ever.  Originally it was only going to be one who found her (one of the Marines), but I could think of a good reason for them to find her or who would...  So I wrote the Stellar Navy guy in and had hoped the implication was that Adara saw him and had to investigate.  Lol.
But thank you, InBrightestDay.  I'm always glad to read your reviews.  I sincerely hope that the depression is vanquished as well as you can.  

Author: Sinfulwolf
Title: Comin’ Home
Summary: A soldier returns home from Hell to her lover.
Feedback: Always welcome
Fandom: Original – Fantasy/Sci-fi
Warnings: F/F, Fingering
Solo story or chaptered story: Solo story. This is actually a rather short one shot that eventually spawned my Blood and Lace setting.
URL: http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600109262
Review Reply thread: 
 

Another review...  These shelves are shining lately...  <looks at review shelves; eyes boil from sockets> So shiny!
First, something I forgot to do, a shout out @Sinfulwolf.  Sinful's been very helpful in terms and statements, not to mention actions and structure, throughout Last Full Measure.  So, I thank you greatly and appreciate your help and continued assistance with terminology far more than I can say.
Second, another from @InBrightestDay on Last Full Measure.
From InBrightestDay on February 06, 2019
 
Aaand I'm back!
So we learn a lot in this chapter.  First, with Sam's arrival, that everyone's exes will be in this squad for maximum awkwardness.  Second...
I need to watch Aliens again sometime.
Third, we start to see what's going on in Alpha Centauri, although thus far it's only teasing glimpses.  Nonetheless, I liked seeing it.  We have our characters, so now we get a hint of the coming story.
Finally, we learn some more about whatever happened on Mars.  It sounds like it's Celeste's fault (she stayed on duty in spite of her pregnancy, which may have led to the death of the unborn child during the attack), but Adara clearly blames herself for part of it, and I'm curious to learn what that is.  Adara's actually somewhat more sympathetic in this chapter.  This doesn't undo her infidelity, but it does hint at a level of depth to the character.
The introduction of Major Hamilton did raise a question.  Thus far, every member of this squad that we've met has been female, save for Hamilton, who is in command.  In an earlier chapter, Celeste mentioned that back on Mars, her commanding officer was also a man.  Is the military in this setting set up so that the enlisted are all female and the officers are male, or is this team just set up that way?
 
Aaand I'm back!
So we learn a lot in this chapter.  First, with Sam's arrival, that everyone's exes will be in this squad for maximum awkwardness.
First, welcome back. 
Ah, yes, the resident unit incest (thanks, Sinful, not getting that term out of my head now...  lol).  There are plenty of threads here and I don't know if they'll all be covered, but...  As it progresses, there'll certainly be some awkwardness coming.
Second...
I need to watch Aliens again sometime.
Do it!  Lol.  As mentioned, there's definitely a few homages and lines from Aliens in here.  I love the movie and just had to.  And that line from the movie always got me to snicker.  Lol.
Third, we start to see what's going on in Alpha Centauri, although thus far it's only teasing glimpses.  Nonetheless, I liked seeing it.  We have our characters, so now we get a hint of the coming story.
I wasn't sure how well the distress call would work, so I'm glad you liked it.  I definitely love building up the suspense and a little bit of unnerving.  Not seeing what's going on was part of that plan and definite don't want people to know too much.  Lol.
Finally, we learn some more about whatever happened on Mars.  It sounds like it's Celeste's fault (she stayed on duty in spite of her pregnancy, which may have led to the death of the unborn child during the attack), but Adara clearly blames herself for part of it, and I'm curious to learn what that is.  Adara's actually somewhat more sympathetic in this chapter.  This doesn't undo her infidelity, but it does hint at a level of depth to the character.
By far, there's enough blame to go around multiple people for Celeste's miscarriage.  So, the blame isn't squarely hers, though she bears a large part of it.  I actually rewrote much of the last part of the chapter so to create a depth to Adara.  She's not a great person, and she admits it, but she does harbour a lot of guilt for multiple things; her cheating on Celeste (And everyone can have their own opinions on whether Adara did cheat on Celeste with Alexander or if she was telling the truth), her leaving Celeste, and the miscarriage  (although the reasons for that will come out as time goes along).  I'm glad my rewrites did add some character to Adara that doesn't make her just a bitch…
The introduction of Major Hamilton did raise a question.  Thus far, every member of this squad that we've met has been female, save for Hamilton, who is in command.  In an earlier chapter, Celeste mentioned that back on Mars, her commanding officer was also a man.  Is the military in this setting set up so that the enlisted are all female and the officers are male, or is this team just set up that way?
This is probably a fault of the author  (...which makes it my fault...)...  That wasn't the intention to have that implied.  (Originally Adara's LT was Alexandra, but I realized that that was flooding the story...).  Indeed, there are a few minor characters to be introed in who are male and enlisted/noncoms, so I guess I should have elaborated a little more in that regard.  (And, yeah, her COs on Mars...  They weren't the brightest...  To quote @BronxWench in reviews for Christmas "I found myself wondering exactly who the Captain and Lieutenant paid off to get their positions, because they certainly didn't end up in command based on merit.").  
Thank you, InBrightestDay, for your review.  As always, it is much appreciated and always a pleasure to receive.
 

YAY!  Lol.  I'm glad to hear that.  A teacher years ago once told me that good science fiction relied on the characters to tell the story, that the characters are the main focus and the setting is merely icing.  While I don't follow that principle entirely, I do tend to focus and develop characters more.
My apologies for making you feel old.  I'm also early thirties, and occasionally I feel like I'm so out of date that I'm in the stone age with people talking.  And honestly, I wouldn't feel stupid.  I doubt a lot of people know unless they A) are themselves, B) know someone who is or who knows someone, or C) are interested.  (I'm assuming there's a lot of tomatoes flying now...)
That was part of the reason I tried to include the description of it in there, although it does feel a little stiff, I admit.  Again, I hope I did justice to people.  And it was supposed to be a conversation of just normal every day thing there in order to portray the idea that sexuality in the time of Last Full Measure is immaterial in that no one cares who's sleeping with who.  Perhaps I should have explained a little more.  That is definitely a fault of the author.

A new review for Blood and Lace, and it’s a thick one: 
Firstly thank you much for the review. Especially such a long one, and never need to apologize for reading, and especially not for leaving feedback. 
First, I’m glad that Kris and Sam’s relationship seems good, and their dialogue natural.  Dialogue is certainly an area I have some doubts in my abilities, especially in making it sound natural. As you noted that some of it seemed just a bit stinted. I think I may have been having an issue with trying too hard to push forward what I needed to happen next instead of letting these two breathe just a bit more and help really nail down how they feel about each other. Certainly something to work on in the future. Would certainly like to discuss what you felt was stinted.
As to Sam looking things up, I thought that would be an interesting way to kill two birds with one stone. A) A little bit of exposition, but also B) Show Sam’s willingness to invest in the relationship, despite not having signed up for demonic corruption.
Moving on to Mia’s scene well… hard to give much away about what’s going on in her mind without spoiling anything. Looking back there’s certainly some roads I could have pushed down instead of what I did. But we shall see how it turns out no? Glad you liked the shadowy creatures. There is certainly more to come. No answers to them for now. 
I did try to make the scene hot and disturbing at once. There’s a few times I gun for that.
Rasha… at this point in the story Rasha’s personal tale is turning out to be a bit of tragedy. The spiral keep’s descending.
Derek, well… same replies. Thank ye kindly. As to what he’s calling for. You’ll see.
 
 
 

Bit behind. Got a few reviews from TCR on Blood and Lace.
“They” actually refers to the government. Certainly should have been more specific there. I was kind of going for that ambiguous ‘they’ that people use when talking about government organizations. Glad ye liked the description though.
Aye, there should be. Though I don’t think italics are needed. That’s certainly a style thing.
Too many “thoughs” I think is the biggest issue. Missed that one.
Yeah, I fucked up with Your/You’re. The comma though I don’t think is needed. Comma’s generally mean a pause in dialogue. Didn’t want one. Yeah, used Courtney too often here. But, if you’ve not noticed, I tend to put a fair bit in after a dialogue tag. That’s the way I write, and that’s starting to really get into “proper” and “science vs. art” of writing. 
Glad ye liked the sex though, and how the scene closed out. Though, I won’t tell on what yer reading into it.
I really wanted to show the aftermath of the train, and that scene was just too cool in my head not to include. And it could be that, or it could be she’s just doing better getting away from her now ex. 
Holy fuck is that line awkward. But, yeah Rasha is really delivering on the T&A aspect, mostly.
Yep, thin.
Why thank you. There are aspects that certainly I wanted to be brutal.
Yeah, I focused more on the interactions here. I didn’t want to go into too much depth here though. It was mostly just to get these two back together and show how they get on. Didn’t want to play with much of their abilities cause then I can’t slowly unveil them through the following chapters.

Another from @Tcr
Thank ye. Always like to make a good impression with the chapter opening. Though, I certainly should have done more to show that the roof was leaking. A bit of confusion like that can certainly take people out of it. Though, not much happened in the room the night previously. I have gotten to the point that sometimes I just allude to the sex rather than showing, mostly because there’d  be too many sex scenes, and not enough driving of the plot. I know this is a smutty story but it’s still a story first. In hindsight I think I could have done more with Kris’s realization.
Eh, parts I wanted to sound somewhat awkward. A little less super hot and more stumbly. How well I succeeded, I dunno. Though at the end of the day, most of the scene should be sexy. And I’m glad it was.
I’ll watch the commas, but I’ll keep sticking away from italics. It kind of hampers my style of perspective.
I really liked that scene, was fun to write. Glad you enjoyed it.
I have my moments certainly, lol.
I did like how that turned out. Though, I think the biggest change for Mia is being back in a sort of comfort zone, and away from her ex. She’s got a task to focus on now, instead of being left to wallow.
Rasha is the most difficult to write, mostly due to the addictions she’s bringing upon herself. It does feed into lust being more than sex, but it’s also her human element, trying to deal with what she’s seen and done while in Hell. Burying it all in substance abuse. But I did really want to play with the sins, and what else could come from them. I play with the other 6 later on in the story a bit.
You’ll have to read on and see
The Derek scenes here are shorter mostly because he gets some screen time already with Kris. This scene was really just to help set up some later shit. Though, him being the weakest in your eyes, perhaps I’ll have to tinker and play with him a bit. Give some more meat to them bones. 
I shall do what I can, but thank you for the reviews. And long ones I do enjoy.

The next review from @Tcr on Blood and Lace
I felt it was important to set that stage. Helps ground the narrative, especially when we’re dealing with demons and the like. So glad it worked out.
I spaced those out to get a good pause in there. I play these scenes in my head, much like a movie, so I write to get the effects I really want. I purposely wanted to disrupt the flow a bit here.
The Crime Scene was fun. This is where the more horror like elements of the story really start creeping in after the coroner scene. I wanted this to really set in “Not a typical porn story”. As to the implications and what might be running about… read on and see.
I tend to be pretty stubborn with stylistic stuff. That be me.
I do need to bring Sam into the picture more. I have this character that I barely use, because it doesn’t fit. We’ll see what I come up with in the future for her.
The protesters are a big part of the world. Helps ground it, because most people would not be happy with the state of affairs. But it also lets me set up future plot threads. Glad you liked the conversations, and Felrya’s description. She’s a big player after all.
I used to be bad for using too many commas. Perhaps I’m overcompensating now. Ah wells.
The Preacher. He’s fun. I like him muchly. As to what he is, you’ll see.
Rasha I felt was the most important to get sympathetic. It’s too easy to shrug off people who are addicts, and that is what she most certainly is. So I had to show a struggle, a reason, and always keep pushing her further down that spiral. As for a turn around. We’ll see.
Derek I like playing up some Cop Drama tropes with. He is military police after all. You are right in that him not being more changed, more advanced in his transformation, is why the spell works so easily on him. The role reversal though was more a side effect of how I’ve been going through the story. Perhaps more at the end would have been good, but again, I didn’t want to cram too many sex scenes in.
Thank you again for the reviews.

Final review of my backlog. Once more from @Tcr on Blood and Lace
I have been trying to imply feeding off the energy of demons or those with demonic taint, is what’s pushing the transformation along. What Alison’s involvement may have had, that’s for the reader to consider. But it wasn’t Alison herself that fucked Derek, it was Sydxun’s presence in the basement. 
The wife has been pointing out to me that the transformations have been getting a touch stale. So, trying to make them a bit more dramatic. A bit more of a push towards the final stage of it all. Perhaps I should do more from the PoV of someone changing, but it’s mostly a physical thing. We all know how Kris feels about the changes already. This I will state though, once they change, it’s permanent. I didn’t want them shape shifting or anything. As to what that means for Kris and Sam well… we’ll see how into demons Sam is.
Heh. I had to put little things like that in there. Little bit of Canuck humour for Canuck readers. But also play a little bit with the differences between them and their nationalities. 
I really thought about Aliens when writing this scene. A little bit of suspense with the action, further pushing the story to Erotic Horror instead of just smut. I like to think I can write some decent action set pieces.
Mia has become a great tool for story and world building with her involvement with the Succubus Consul. And the Consul herself lets me do some good world building and give little glimpses to what Hell is like in this particular setting. I mean, that’s the other world. That’s the place that’s been done so many times over. I gotta try and make it somewhat interesting to the reader. And how it works as well with the devil’s and sins.
So, it worked to have Felrya explain some stuff to Mia, and to have Mia broaden her current understandings, as they weren’t entirely correct before.
The training regimen… that’s pretty much exactly what it is. Though, Felrya does enjoy doing it as well. Lo and behold. Glad you think the scene overall is hot though.
And those particular lines. I didn’t want my demons to be necessarily ‘evil’  but I can’t have them be goody two shoes either. They do come from Hell after all. But I thought it was a good place to make some points about current governments and leaders. Humans certainly are far from perfect. As to those historical figures… who knows. I may get around to toying with the occupents of Hell a bit more in the future.
Rasha is certainly meant to be the tragic one. The fallen one, and perhaps more so when we eventually get to backstories and the like. For the time being, we get to see her fall deeper and deeper. Manipulated to thinking she’s doing things of her own free will. But we know everything is for that next fix. That next high. The next hit. Whether she’ll pull back. even I’m not entirely sure anymore. 
The lord, well… you’ll see.
I really wanted to start this off with as much normalicy as I could. Every little drop of it before things go a bit wacko. I think I succeeded, and it’s why I went with characters outside the main cast. The main cast is well outside of normal anymore. So I brought it some good ol humans to sell the normalicy. It also really sets up Alison for what she is, and some of her abilities, and the strengths of her master. 
The spell though was broken because of Kris, and even Kris doesn’t entirely know how she did it.
The Mary Sue thing is actually something I’m usually not too concerned about. Kris may be the most badass, but she’s not the best at everything. And she’s still learning. If I was better at writing investigations, this would shine through a bit better. But thanks for the review, and very glad yer enjoying.

Flatterer.

I don't think I've had this many reviews in a long, long, long time...  The shelves are definitely getting a good wax for shine...  Another from @InBrightestDayon Last Full Measure.
From InBrightestDay on January 27, 2019
 
Chapter 3
It's nice to get to meet more of the characters, Tirsa in this case.  I see what you meant when you said you didn't want her to apear too interested in Celeste, given that we learn here that she has issues forming successful relationships with anybody.
I also wonder how truthful she was being with Ingvild about Mars.  She says she has nightmares, but she also mentioned earlier in the chapter that she had never felt more alive than when she was in combat.  These two things aren't necessarily contradictory, but it provides an intriguing ambiguity about the character.
Finally, we learn that, assuming I'm understanding the ranking system correctly, Celeste's ex is now going to be her commanding officer.  That's...going to suck.
We also learn some kind of unsettling stuff about the Rebels, like how they don't do the whole "prisoner" thing.  It makes me wonder about the nature of the conflict and how we got to this state between the two sides.
At any rate, I'm interested in seeing what happens when they finally get to Alpha Centauri!
 
It's nice to get to meet more of the characters, Tirsa in this case.  I see what you meant when you said you didn't want her to apear too interested in Celeste, given that we learn here that she has issues forming successful relationships with anybody.
My stylistic approaches have varied depending on what I'm writing and how I'm going about it.  Usually, I'll throw a few together (three or four) and introduce them at an even pace (or try...).  Similar to how I've come with the MCs here.  Although this one is kind of different in that it is a slower intro.
As for her lack of forming relationships, there is a reason for that in Chapter 4 (which, hopefully, is a good written character development...  I have a tendency to push myself, writing characters and situations expanding my own ability and trying to open other people up to them...)
I also wonder how truthful she was being with Ingvild about Mars.  She says she has nightmares, but she also mentioned earlier in the chapter that she had never felt more alive than when she was in combat.  These two things aren't necessarily contradictory, but it provides an intriguing ambiguity about the character.
I never meant for them to be contradictory, so that's good.  And it's good there's a little ambiguity there.  As for lying...  Well, that I'd like to leave to the reader.  Is she lying because she's an alcoholic?  Is she being honest and has almost a split reaction to combat?
Finally, we learn that, assuming I'm understanding the ranking system correctly, Celeste's ex is now going to be her commanding officer.  That's...going to suck.
In a word...  Most certainly.
And you understand correctly.  Adara is the platoon's second in command (2IC) as Warrant Officer, subordinate only to Hamilton.  Celeste, as Sergeant Major, is third in command (3IC).  Perhaps I should have put some of the jargon in an A/N.
We also learn some kind of unsettling stuff about the Rebels, like how they don't do the whole "prisoner" thing.  It makes me wonder about the nature of the conflict and how we got to this state between the two sides.
I do hope to include some of the backstory regarding the Rebel and United Earth conflict in some of the coming chapters (well, coming in terms of writing...).  I feel that it will help to worldbuild (history build?) with regards to the United Earth and her colonies.  So hopefully that turns out just as well as I hope it will.
At any rate, I'm interested in seeing what happens when they finally get to Alpha Centauri!
There are a few more chapters to go before that happens and I hope they don't get too boring and turn you away.  And when they do get to Alpha Centauri, I hope it doesn't disappoint with the build up.
Thanks for your review!

There is a chat app called discord. It’s completely free. You don’t even need to download anything – it can be used in your browser! 
This server is a place for writers of erotica original and fan fiction to help each other out. We have:
An inclusive, supportive community Prompts Help Channels Voice Chat Frequent games and events We’d love to see you there! https://discord.gg/TSpn8kUtKs

Well, to be honest, I used to write a lot more (ask @CloverReef, she’ll vouch for that…  lol), but in returning to university (and three English classes, because I’m a crazy bastard) and work (because… well, crazy bastard), which is essentially a new job with a different place in the same company (again, crazy...)…  I’ve been finding it harder to write in what amounts to spare time.  Writing at work (at least, writing stuff for here at work) is impossible, especially with fifteen people crowded around and writing some kinky fun time adventures with people not necessarily looking over the shoulder, but still clearly seeing it, just doesn’t work too well…  And essays and research and all that jazz, just drained the writing (lucky to have written anything for the anthologies), so much so that, even with classes being over and finals done, just haven’t been writing.  Albeit, did get some done yesterday and a little today, so…  YAY!  But, stress (not to mention a distinct hate for the season…  thank you, retail…), work, university…  They’ve all played a major factor in a lack of written word…

Well, to be honest, I used to write a lot more (ask @CloverReef, she’ll vouch for that…  lol), but in returning to university (and three English classes, because I’m a crazy bastard) and work (because… well, crazy bastard), which is essentially a new job with a different place in the same company (again, crazy...)…  I’ve been finding it harder to write in what amounts to spare time.  Writing at work (at least, writing stuff for here at work) is impossible, especially with fifteen people crowded around and writing some kinky fun time adventures with people not necessarily looking over the shoulder, but still clearly seeing it, just doesn’t work too well…  And essays and research and all that jazz, just drained the writing (lucky to have written anything for the anthologies), so much so that, even with classes being over and finals done, just haven’t been writing.  Albeit, did get some done yesterday and a little today, so…  YAY!  But, stress (not to mention a distinct hate for the season…  thank you, retail…), work, university…  They’ve all played a major factor in a lack of written word…

Well, to be honest, I used to write a lot more (ask @CloverReef, she’ll vouch for that…  lol), but in returning to university (and three English classes, because I’m a crazy bastard) and work (because… well, crazy bastard), which is essentially a new job with a different place in the same company (again, crazy...)…  I’ve been finding it harder to write in what amounts to spare time.  Writing at work (at least, writing stuff for here at work) is impossible, especially with fifteen people crowded around and writing some kinky fun time adventures with people not necessarily looking over the shoulder, but still clearly seeing it, just doesn’t work too well…  And essays and research and all that jazz, just drained the writing (lucky to have written anything for the anthologies), so much so that, even with classes being over and finals done, just haven’t been writing.  Albeit, did get some done yesterday and a little today, so…  YAY!  But, stress (not to mention a distinct hate for the season…  thank you, retail…), work, university…  They’ve all played a major factor in a lack of written word…

Well, to be honest, I used to write a lot more (ask @CloverReef, she’ll vouch for that…  lol), but in returning to university (and three English classes, because I’m a crazy bastard) and work (because… well, crazy bastard), which is essentially a new job with a different place in the same company (again, crazy...)…  I’ve been finding it harder to write in what amounts to spare time.  Writing at work (at least, writing stuff for here at work) is impossible, especially with fifteen people crowded around and writing some kinky fun time adventures with people not necessarily looking over the shoulder, but still clearly seeing it, just doesn’t work too well…  And essays and research and all that jazz, just drained the writing (lucky to have written anything for the anthologies), so much so that, even with classes being over and finals done, just haven’t been writing.  Albeit, did get some done yesterday and a little today, so…  YAY!  But, stress (not to mention a distinct hate for the season…  thank you, retail…), work, university…  They’ve all played a major factor in a lack of written word…

Well, shit...  Here I thought there was a marriage proposal...  Well...  I'm disappointed.  Back to bed for me…
 (close enough...)
Damn, still here...  Ummm...  look at the pussy! 
Fine, I'll answer…
To be honest, probably be able to get rid of the idiots in the world...  Like (fwoosh)...  Or maybe that's just work talking....  and this city...  Hmm...  Higher level intellect?  I wouldn't mind having that...  Intelligently rule the world ;).

I certainly do what I can madame. Your welcome for the review, but thank you for sharing the tale with us all.

Here, I thought I was the only one who did that.
I have a weird pattern going on.  I will write some stuff completely on paper and have it red lined and worked on repeatedly before I go to the computer.  Other things, I type out and maintain that.  And, as others have said, occasionally for me, it depends where I am.  If I don't have my laptop, but something strikes me that goes beyond simple notes, I'll write on whatever I can.  (I have asked for a blank piece of printer paper while waiting in a doctor's office and while being in the hospital recovering...  I am not too proud to beg for paper!  I did get interesting looks, though.)

Your welcome, I do try to leave reviews. Tis only polite. And I shall have to go check out Cold Snap. I’ll tell them you sent me.
Though… I can’t seem to find them in the Archive.
Nevermind, found her.

Okay, as usual, I'm late to the party...  lol.  As you're my beta, you kind of know how I write...  But…
For me, my writing is usually as a scene plays in the head.  The movie plays upstairs and the fingers type it out.  Sometime not for the better.  As for what actually occurs, that depends largely on what I want to convey in the chapter ahead (YAY 1 for kind of but not really planning ahead!!!)
Even in that opening, it's different all round.  One can be all about the atmosphere, dark or otherwise, and thus starting with a depressive news or something similar that I try to permeate the rest.  Others just the city surroundings to lay the groundwork.  (Shamelessly, I do love the beginning of CHHW...)... 
Did I just ramble?  I'm good at rambling random rambles randomly.

Well, been a while since having to crack fingers here…
A two-fer from SinfulWolf (which, btw, thank you so much for), both on Hunted:

From SinfulWolf on July 30, 2018
I'll be doing another review later when I finish everything, but wanted to leave something for the first chapter to partially let you know you have a new reader. 
First off I'd like to mention that I rather enjoyed this as an opening. Set a bit of the state with bits of information, but not large info dumps that would have been boring. Small ones sure, and they might have been able to be trimmed down a touch... but it still worked here as establishing the setting.
I think my only real complaint for this chapter was the fight. It was so one sided and quick that I wasn't entirely sure why she was running and hiding in the first place. Perhaps because she tapped into that blood rage? If so I think it needs to be made just a bit more clear.
Still, greatly looking forward to reading the rest of this. Quite excited for it, gore and all.
 
I owe a vast majority of those ‘small’ info dumps (and this is a compliment, because I have a tendency to include massive info dumps...) to my beta there.  She’s constantly been getting me to cut back on some of the information I throw down and intercut it with the rest of the novel instead of in one eighty-line paragraph (...exaggeration, yes, but I’m sure it feels like that sometimes).  Admittedly, as you’ve said, the fight was one sided and that was intentional on my part, but perhaps too one sided.  It was intended to introduce the concept of the bloodrage in there, not to mention the Guard and Idun and Cheyenne, but also to show that a lack of cohesion within the group does lead to a rather quick and bloody end.  Although, as you said, probably would have been good to expand on that.
 
AND:
From SinfulWolf on July 30, 2018
 
Well... now I need to wait it seems. I'll be patient, I'm slow enough with my own work to pester others. But I rather enjoy this story. I like the growing relationship between the three. I love that you didn't go for a typical love triangle and that you're exploring a polyamourous relationship. There's so very few of those I find (Granted I am new to this site). I love the touch of history and using the Varangian Guard as the vampire hunters in the setting. It's also quite a switch, especially to vampire fans, to have the hunters being the 'villains'. And they are downright villainous. Some readers might not like this, but this is definately a "mileage may vary" kind of moment on how to portray the antagonists.

So things I've noticed though. Careful with the use of Gods' names. Later on you were using proper Roman Gods (Juno, Venus, etc.), but earlier you were using Greek Gods (Zeus being the first one to pop out at me). 

I really like that you're being very graphic with the violence. Love it. Vampires should be brutal, bloody, killing machines. And you've captured that with the arm rippings, decapitations, and disembowelments. It's fuckin awesome. My only real recomendation for the action scenes would be to perhaps slow down a touch. Sometimes there's so much happening, and your offering sometimes rather similar descriptions, that it can be difficult to see exactly what's happening. Put a little weight into the fights and kills, cause I'd really like to see what you come up with.

Another small thing I've noticed is that most characters who are straight in this story seem to be completely and utterly bigoted. Again, its your story, so I don't want you to change stuff there if that is your intention, but it is certainly something I've noticed and became somewhat glaring later on. Especially with the introduction of Shy's ex. It's a bit over the top, and I think some inclusion of more subtle bigotry can also really help sell the story of these three leading ladies as well.
All in all, quite enjoying your three characters. The different kinds of strengths and vulnerabilities they show, how they interact with one another. And I do quite enjoy the sex when it does show up. But story is queen here, and I'm in for the long haul. 
Looking forward to the next installment! 
Well, I’m glad to hear that you’re enjoying it, firstly.  And I’m glad you like the interactions and growing relationship between the three.  I was absolutely worried that I would have botched it drastically.  It’s a first venture into the polyamorous relationship dynamic, so it’s been one of those worrying things ;).  I do have a tendency to write in a more flipped expectations idea (ie: everyone’s heroes are the villains, et cetera), and I certainly love putting that spin on things.
I admit, I did come across the alternating Greek/Roman mythological names and corrected them in the master file.  As for the fights and violence, I’ve been told that the graphic natures of them are among some of my better work (and I have to agree).  And I certainly love the unabated violence that can be portrayed within them; I tried to use the violent tendencies of the Varangian Guard as a foil to the attempted gentler (well, when not provoked) nature of Lucretia and the rest.
For the hetero characters, I admit, I wasn’t too sure about what you meant, so I went back through and read over it again.  You do have a point here, though I never actually thought about it.  Indeed, I had almost forgotten about the Twobears until I read it again.  Rita was always written to be bigoted (and kind of based off someone I formerly worked with…  The ‘I accept everyone until I’m alone with people, then I’m a phobe, racist, et cetera).  Although, that didn’t quite come off as much as I had hoped, so you have a point with the subtlety (which, I admit, I’m not great at writing...).  Cheyenne’s ex was just a written jab at someone else I know, BUT we won’t go into that.  But yes, definitely have to work on the subtlety aspect…
And thank you, again, for your review.  It was definitely a refreshing and much appreciated (and unexpected) sight to wake to.
TCR
 
On a side note and completely shameless plug of my beta’s writing, if you’re looking for a good polyamorous relationship told in writing (not to mention just good writing, too), you should checkout PlagueClover (formerly CloverReef)’s story Cold Snap.

Okay, as usual, I'm late to the party...  lol.  As you're my beta, you kind of know how I write...  But…
For me, my writing is usually as a scene plays in the head.  The movie plays upstairs and the fingers type it out.  Sometime not for the better.  As for what actually occurs, that depends largely on what I want to convey in the chapter ahead (YAY 1 for kind of but not really planning ahead!!!)
Even in that opening, it's different all round.  One can be all about the atmosphere, dark or otherwise, and thus starting with a depressive news or something similar that I try to permeate the rest.  Others just the city surroundings to lay the groundwork.  (Shamelessly, I do love the beginning of CHHW...)... 
Did I just ramble?  I'm good at rambling random rambles randomly.

Well, been a while since having to crack fingers here…
A two-fer from SinfulWolf (which, btw, thank you so much for), both on Hunted:

From SinfulWolf on July 30, 2018
I'll be doing another review later when I finish everything, but wanted to leave something for the first chapter to partially let you know you have a new reader. 
First off I'd like to mention that I rather enjoyed this as an opening. Set a bit of the state with bits of information, but not large info dumps that would have been boring. Small ones sure, and they might have been able to be trimmed down a touch... but it still worked here as establishing the setting.
I think my only real complaint for this chapter was the fight. It was so one sided and quick that I wasn't entirely sure why she was running and hiding in the first place. Perhaps because she tapped into that blood rage? If so I think it needs to be made just a bit more clear.
Still, greatly looking forward to reading the rest of this. Quite excited for it, gore and all.
 
I owe a vast majority of those ‘small’ info dumps (and this is a compliment, because I have a tendency to include massive info dumps...) to my beta there.  She’s constantly been getting me to cut back on some of the information I throw down and intercut it with the rest of the novel instead of in one eighty-line paragraph (...exaggeration, yes, but I’m sure it feels like that sometimes).  Admittedly, as you’ve said, the fight was one sided and that was intentional on my part, but perhaps too one sided.  It was intended to introduce the concept of the bloodrage in there, not to mention the Guard and Idun and Cheyenne, but also to show that a lack of cohesion within the group does lead to a rather quick and bloody end.  Although, as you said, probably would have been good to expand on that.
 
AND:
From SinfulWolf on July 30, 2018
 
Well... now I need to wait it seems. I'll be patient, I'm slow enough with my own work to pester others. But I rather enjoy this story. I like the growing relationship between the three. I love that you didn't go for a typical love triangle and that you're exploring a polyamourous relationship. There's so very few of those I find (Granted I am new to this site). I love the touch of history and using the Varangian Guard as the vampire hunters in the setting. It's also quite a switch, especially to vampire fans, to have the hunters being the 'villains'. And they are downright villainous. Some readers might not like this, but this is definately a "mileage may vary" kind of moment on how to portray the antagonists.

So things I've noticed though. Careful with the use of Gods' names. Later on you were using proper Roman Gods (Juno, Venus, etc.), but earlier you were using Greek Gods (Zeus being the first one to pop out at me). 

I really like that you're being very graphic with the violence. Love it. Vampires should be brutal, bloody, killing machines. And you've captured that with the arm rippings, decapitations, and disembowelments. It's fuckin awesome. My only real recomendation for the action scenes would be to perhaps slow down a touch. Sometimes there's so much happening, and your offering sometimes rather similar descriptions, that it can be difficult to see exactly what's happening. Put a little weight into the fights and kills, cause I'd really like to see what you come up with.

Another small thing I've noticed is that most characters who are straight in this story seem to be completely and utterly bigoted. Again, its your story, so I don't want you to change stuff there if that is your intention, but it is certainly something I've noticed and became somewhat glaring later on. Especially with the introduction of Shy's ex. It's a bit over the top, and I think some inclusion of more subtle bigotry can also really help sell the story of these three leading ladies as well.
All in all, quite enjoying your three characters. The different kinds of strengths and vulnerabilities they show, how they interact with one another. And I do quite enjoy the sex when it does show up. But story is queen here, and I'm in for the long haul. 
Looking forward to the next installment! 
Well, I’m glad to hear that you’re enjoying it, firstly.  And I’m glad you like the interactions and growing relationship between the three.  I was absolutely worried that I would have botched it drastically.  It’s a first venture into the polyamorous relationship dynamic, so it’s been one of those worrying things ;).  I do have a tendency to write in a more flipped expectations idea (ie: everyone’s heroes are the villains, et cetera), and I certainly love putting that spin on things.
I admit, I did come across the alternating Greek/Roman mythological names and corrected them in the master file.  As for the fights and violence, I’ve been told that the graphic natures of them are among some of my better work (and I have to agree).  And I certainly love the unabated violence that can be portrayed within them; I tried to use the violent tendencies of the Varangian Guard as a foil to the attempted gentler (well, when not provoked) nature of Lucretia and the rest.
For the hetero characters, I admit, I wasn’t too sure about what you meant, so I went back through and read over it again.  You do have a point here, though I never actually thought about it.  Indeed, I had almost forgotten about the Twobears until I read it again.  Rita was always written to be bigoted (and kind of based off someone I formerly worked with…  The ‘I accept everyone until I’m alone with people, then I’m a phobe, racist, et cetera).  Although, that didn’t quite come off as much as I had hoped, so you have a point with the subtlety (which, I admit, I’m not great at writing...).  Cheyenne’s ex was just a written jab at someone else I know, BUT we won’t go into that.  But yes, definitely have to work on the subtlety aspect…
And thank you, again, for your review.  It was definitely a refreshing and much appreciated (and unexpected) sight to wake to.
TCR
 
On a side note and completely shameless plug of my beta’s writing, if you’re looking for a good polyamorous relationship told in writing (not to mention just good writing, too), you should checkout PlagueClover (formerly CloverReef)’s story Cold Snap.

THOSE MANIACS!  THOSE DAMN MANIACS!  DAMN THEM!  DAMN THOSE PLOT BUNNIES TO HELL!  I mean, I’m okay…
Hi, Anesor.  Welcome to the discussion.
When I started, I was kind of the opposite, I worked through the characters and their details more than the plot (I can hear the peanut gallery screaming and booing at me…  Okay, who threw the rotten tomato?)  For me, the characters made the story and making them realistic immersed myself in with them time and again.  Understandably, as my writing grew, it became a more balanced style, plot and details equal to character.
In short, develop at a pace that suits you.  A piece of advice someone once told me years ago, keep everything you write.  Look back on it, see how you’ve progressed, see what you’ve done, every little inch towards the goal is something to be proud of.  And one that I’ll say, never stop looking at other works and reading them, seeking out advice and help, and practicing…
As for the villains, everyone has to start somewhere.  When I started, a lot of mine where the caricatures (Okay, enough with the boos, I get it…  Okay, who’s throwing the chairs, now?)  The advice I have is just to make them real.  Make them have their hopes, dreams, fears, their motivations that makes them ‘evil’.  Others probably have other suggestions and, like Desiderius has implied, a villain isn’t always a physical one; the faceless government or oppressive atmosphere can be just as much an antagonist as the bank robber waving a gun around during the robbery.
Others have their own way to create theirs, but…  My two cents worth on helping you to write a villain, now that I’ve been longwinded, as usual…  I ask myself a few questions to try to get into their head:  What caused Joe Blow from Idaho to become The Murderous Nightstalker?  What drives them, motivates them?  Are there any qualities that could be seen as redeemable (ie, do they help little old ladies across the street?  Sauve like Indiana Jones?  (Or, like Desiderious stated before, do they believe they’re right in what they’re doing?  Do they see their actions as justice?)
Hope this has some help within it…