GeorgeGlass

Um, okay.

Carpal tunnel can develop very quickly if you do all of your typing with one hand.

The word “octopussior” comes to mind.

The word “octopussior” comes to mind.

From Fairy-Slayer on February 11, 2017
Chapter 9 had some pretty powerful and critical story advancement, to say the least.
SPOILERS!
Yes, this is the, "Hey, what's that brown lump speeding toward the fan?" chapter.
Easing into it with everything seeming fine (or better than fine) then switching to Star's nice dream… then discovering her minor mistake were subtle enough not to raise the alarm. Only when Star's agitated thoughts leaked out and then she caught herself was it clear the ooze was starting to affect her. The bit about the sheen the next morning was a nice bit of symbolism too as it represent encasing and trapping the real start. (Or maybe I'm just reading way too much into it.)
Nope, you're not.
Her insensitivity and hostility the next morning hit pretty hard.
The slime had had several hours to take effect by then.
BTW, I'm really surprised you didn't get my reference about her dissing the nachos, but perhaps I wasn't grasping the context of the story as well as I thought.
No, I got it, but I didn't think the situation was quite the same. Kirk doesn't seem to be aware that he's saying something hurtful, whereas Darkstar is being deliberately mean.
As for the emergence of the shadow personality, I found it very creepy and disturbing on a few levels. The bit about her image in the mirror flashing that mocking smile once Star realized what was happening – what had just become complete – was brilliant. The thought of being locked-in is pretty horrifying on its own, but I could feel (even relate) to her suffering as "she" started hurting those she loved, coolly and even dismissively. The cut-aways to her screams packed more punch than I think you even realize, especially as each verbal or emotional blow Darkstar landed on Marco made real Star weaker, less… (That's why I had to make such a terribly lame joke in the commentary to keep myself from being too affected, but I didn't want to be so cruel as to inflict it upon you. You don't deserve that.)
Yeah, it's pretty rough stuff, I guess. The point, really, is to show the depth of Tom's depravity: that he's willing to do something that terrible to Star to have the girlfriend he wants.
As for the lame joke, now I'm curious.
Thank goodness for Rogelio – or as I like to call him, The Absolute Mostest Bestest OC EVER! His keen observations skills, no doubt fueled by his affection for his grandson and the cheerful princess, plus is eccentric similes make him awesome. His advice really got Marco to think – and more importantly, to act without hesitation.
I'm so glad you like Rogelio. That line about the pig was the seed of the idea for his character; everything else grew from that.
Aggressive Marco was fantastic, especially in his conviction as he confronted Darkstar a bit violently. However the switching to spankings was pretty funny, especially with real Star cheering him on. (Darkstar's comment was weird for such a bad girl, but perhaps she really prefers to give the spankings.)
Remember that Darkstar is brand new. She only knows what Star knows; she has no life experience of her own.
The fact that Tom didn't mind revealing his scheme and even gloating was a bad sign.
Yes, it is.
(As a side note, the fact that Marco could recognize Star's scent and, maybe to a lesser degree, his chosen method of attack, "intrigues" me a bit too. )
More on that later.
However, even with all that conflict, pain, and even fighting, you still managed to add just the right bits of show-style humor, even in some dire moments, all seamlessly. That made it really feel like the show and much more enjoyable.
Thank you!
Heck, Oskar's unintentional bad-ass comment was a total win.

Thanks for such gripping chapter.
Thanks for another gripping review. Although I swear I didn't grip myself too much while reading it.

Re: “Excuses”
Unlike most of my stories (which take months to write, even the single-chapter ones), this one was mostly written in the space of a single day. It just took hold of me and made me keep going until it was done. I think that’s why it came out as you describe it.
Thanks so much for the comments!

My bad—I misunderstood.
The up side to writing erotica about characters who are never portrayed in sexual situations is that you have a lot of latitude. Bossy characters might also be bossy in bed—or the bedroom might be the one place where they’d rather relax and let their partner take control. The dark, gloomy character might secretly be a romantic. You just have to find a rationale for the character to behave the way you think they should.

My bad—I misunderstood.
The up side to writing erotica about characters who are never portrayed in sexual situations is that you have a lot of latitude. Bossy characters might also be bossy in bed—or the bedroom might be the one place where they’d rather relax and let their partner take control. The dark, gloomy character might secretly be a romantic. You just have to find a rationale for the character to behave the way you think they should.

My bad—I misunderstood.
The up side to writing erotica about characters who are never portrayed in sexual situations is that you have a lot of latitude. Bossy characters might also be bossy in bed—or the bedroom might be the one place where they’d rather relax and let their partner take control. The dark, gloomy character might secretly be a romantic. You just have to find a rationale for the character to behave the way you think they should.

Oh, surely not…*g*  Erotic fiction is a challenge in its own right, fanfiction or original. I’ve seen too many professional authors stumble over their erotic scenes to doubt it. You can almost see the cringe they had while they were writing.
Erotica demands a lot from a writer, and you can’t be afraid of exposure. I think you have to put a lot of yourself into it for the characters’ sake, and draw on all of your experience (sexual or otherwise), without being self-conscious in the slightest. As if you were taking your experience and lending it to them without conditions. If there is embarrassment, self-consciousness or giggling, then that had better be coming from the characters, not yourself. You don’t even need to be vastly experienced to do this, since any gaps can be bridged via deductive leaps, but you must do it.
Character and sexual writing are all tied up together. If you want to write good erotica, as opposed to generic porn, you need to make the characters drives and motivations as much a part of the sex as the physical act itself. Why do they want it? How long have they wanted it for? How much (or how little) does it mean to them? The easiest way to describe what I mean is to think in terms of RL. Say, if we have a sexual encounter, we don’t draw solid lines around it and section it off from the rest of our life forever. Nor can we, because depending on the circumstances, there may be consequences to face. The same is true of fictional characters. Sometimes, sex just happens. It’s natural. It happens to you, just the same as it will happen to them.
To be brutally honest here, I often find the lack of sex drive in characters off-putting in a show. The lines around what is acceptable sexual tension and what they refuse to write/produce/show often makes the characters and their world seem stilted and grey to me.The world is not sterile. If the whole human race danced around each other endlessly like that, we’d never reproduce. As much as I still resent RT Davies for killing my best man off (sniffles), at least he’s never shied away as a writer from creating fully formed characters, complete with normal sex lives/drives. Hell, that he does create such great characters is one of the reasons I’m so annoyed at their sudden death.
Once you’ve thought about all those things, then you can consider the technicalities of writing sexually (tension, pacing, rhythm, word choice and so forth). And, if you’re a woman writing m/m slash, that’s a whole other can of worms to pick through and research to be done. Although I do think that if you’ve done the earlier groundwork, as above, then you can still be very convincing, even if you don’t know exactly how the male orgasm feels.

I didn’t mean to say that at all. Quite the contrary, I think making the characters believable is the only serious challenge of writing a erotic fanfic. Writing an erotic fanfic is easier in other ways, but characterization is one area where being erotic does not help and so it is foremost in my mind. I am binge watching to try to find a good way to get the characters to do the things I want them to do, and it is all because it is so important to be faithful to the characters.
In an ordinary fanfic you’re putting the characters through an adventure, and that invites direct comparison with the source material. It raises the question: if my fanfic were an episode of the show, would it be one of the better episodes, or one of the worse episodes? For an ordinary fanfic that is a huge challenge to overcome on top of making the characters believable. For an erotic fanfic there is no comparison with the source material because your fanfic could never be an episode of the show. Instead of trying to do what the show does and replicate what makes the show great, we’re trying to do something the show could never do and so we don’t have to try to replicate any greatness. We still have the challenge of bringing the characters to life, but that seems tame by comparison.
There are other ways to make fanfic writing easier. Instead of writing an erotic adventure for characters of a show or movie that you like, you could write a fanfic for a video game. Even excellent video games are traditionally quite weak in their stories, so even if you don’t have any great ideas for your fanfic’s story you can still often improve upon the source material. A long time ago I once wrote a fanfic for a card game; the game had practically no story at all so it had to be mostly my own ideas, but I knew that no matter how mediocre my ideas might be they were still going to be worth writing because they were a better story than the game had to offer.

Thank you! I hope it continues to justify your love.
 

Because I regularly write adult-oriented fanfics (ie, porn) about characters that never have sex in canon (because they are characters from children's cartoons), I feel compelled to put my two cents in here.
 
I agree with those who say that fanfics are generally easier to write than original fics, because you're using “prefab” characters and settings that you don't need to develop from scratch. But -- and I think the OP was getting at this – writing fanfic poses the unique challenge of portraying someone else's characters in a believable way.
 
I don't agree with the OP that this should be less of a concern when you're writing erotica. On the contrary, the challenge in writing such fanfics is creating a situation in which the characters can have sex without readers thinking, “No way, these characters would never do that.” Because, IMO, there's no point in writing a fanfic if the characters aren't recognizable as the ones that the fans love.
 
Part of the fun of writing porny fanfics is figuring out how to make the sex happen in a way that is believable and in-character for the participants. One way in which I do this in my cartoon fanfics is to use plot devices that are in keeping with the show. For example, on the cartoon series The Loud House, one of the characters is basically a mad scientist who invents all sorts of cartoonishly impossible things but doesn't always think about the consequences. So in my recent story “Whoops,” I had her develop a synthetic pheromone to get her lab rats to breed but that ends up affecting everyone in the house. Massive porniness ensues.
 
Of course, it doesn’t have to be anything so far out. Characters may discover that their sexuality emerges under certain circumstances. In my Phineas and Ferb story “Tri-Date Area,” the three main characters decide to try dating one another (ie, having a three-way relationship), and one of them finds that these circumstances bring out her sexual desires with an intensity that being in a typical, two-way relationship did not.
 
Okay, my two cents turned out to be more like a buck fifty.  

Because I regularly write adult-oriented fanfics (ie, porn) about characters that never have sex in canon (because they are characters from children's cartoons), I feel compelled to put my two cents in here.
 
I agree with those who say that fanfics are generally easier to write than original fics, because you're using “prefab” characters and settings that you don't need to develop from scratch. But -- and I think the OP was getting at this – writing fanfic poses the unique challenge of portraying someone else's characters in a believable way.
 
I don't agree with the OP that this should be less of a concern when you're writing erotica. On the contrary, the challenge in writing such fanfics is creating a situation in which the characters can have sex without readers thinking, “No way, these characters would never do that.” Because, IMO, there's no point in writing a fanfic if the characters aren't recognizable as the ones that the fans love.
 
Part of the fun of writing porny fanfics is figuring out how to make the sex happen in a way that is believable and in-character for the participants. One way in which I do this in my cartoon fanfics is to use plot devices that are in keeping with the show. For example, on the cartoon series The Loud House, one of the characters is basically a mad scientist who invents all sorts of cartoonishly impossible things but doesn't always think about the consequences. So in my recent story “Whoops,” I had her develop a synthetic pheromone to get her lab rats to breed but that ends up affecting everyone in the house. Massive porniness ensues.
 
Of course, it doesn’t have to be anything so far out. Characters may discover that their sexuality emerges under certain circumstances. In my Phineas and Ferb story “Tri-Date Area,” the three main characters decide to try dating one another (ie, having a three-way relationship), and one of them finds that these circumstances bring out her sexual desires with an intensity that being in a typical, two-way relationship did not.
 
Okay, my two cents turned out to be more like a buck fifty.  

Because I regularly write adult-oriented fanfics (ie, porn) about characters that never have sex in canon (because they are characters from children's cartoons), I feel compelled to put my two cents in here.
 
I agree with those who say that fanfics are generally easier to write than original fics, because you're using “prefab” characters and settings that you don't need to develop from scratch. But -- and I think the OP was getting at this – writing fanfic poses the unique challenge of portraying someone else's characters in a believable way.
 
I don't agree with the OP that this should be less of a concern when you're writing erotica. On the contrary, the challenge in writing such fanfics is creating a situation in which the characters can have sex without readers thinking, “No way, these characters would never do that.” Because, IMO, there's no point in writing a fanfic if the characters aren't recognizable as the ones that the fans love.
 
Part of the fun of writing porny fanfics is figuring out how to make the sex happen in a way that is believable and in-character for the participants. One way in which I do this in my cartoon fanfics is to use plot devices that are in keeping with the show. For example, on the cartoon series The Loud House, one of the characters is basically a mad scientist who invents all sorts of cartoonishly impossible things but doesn't always think about the consequences. So in my recent story “Whoops,” I had her develop a synthetic pheromone to get her lab rats to breed but that ends up affecting everyone in the house. Massive porniness ensues.
 
Of course, it doesn’t have to be anything so far out. Characters may discover that their sexuality emerges under certain circumstances. In my Phineas and Ferb story “Tri-Date Area,” the three main characters decide to try dating one another (ie, having a three-way relationship), and one of them finds that these circumstances bring out her sexual desires with an intensity that being in a typical, two-way relationship did not.
 
Okay, my two cents turned out to be more like a buck fifty.  

Though I'm sad to see the adventures end, the final chapter was fantastic.


 
Thank you!


 
First off, Lisa doing self-surgery is a bit scary. I really liked how he appreciated Lisa's well-defined young body, whether it was from the injection or just nice to notice in general. It was fun as Lincoln kept having to figure out what Lisa's technical language, though it was really funny how quickly he caught onto "doggy style." After that, their "dirty talk" was terrific, especially as her pretentious vocabulary started to crack; when she told him she was losing her ability to form sentences and even words and he took it as a challenge, that was even better. In the end, I think both of them were quite pleased with the result.


 
It was quite a challenge to write that dialogue. Wikipedia and Thesaurus.com got a lot of use.


 
I was getting a little worried for Lincoln when he was still up for more despite his exhaustion and the sisters were ready to go again. It was quite mature of Lori to notice that, even though they would have done it any way at all, he'd gone out of his way to consider each of their personalities and likes instead of just taking advantage of them.


 
Lori definitely has her moments on the show, so I thought it reasonable for her to have one here.


 
The reverse-gangbang scene played out beautifully, though I had to wonder where Lola had read about blowjobs. (Highlights for Sluts?)


 
Lola is not a slut! She’s a slut-in-training.


 
When she told Lana to take over and the elder twin shouted, "Gross!" I knew that meant she's be all over it. (And she was.) It was kind of sweet that all nine of them were just as exhausted by the end as Lincoln.


 
They had a long day.


 
Then, I don't know why, but I had been absolutely convinced that Lisa had mentioned birth control when she gave out the cherry chews, but nope: this was even funnier. Of course she could take care of the problem, but like the whole thing only after her oversight had created the problem in the first place. (Sorry all preggo fans.)


 
Lisa’s “Frankenstein syndrome” appears again: She’s a genius, but she has a chronic problem with thinking things through.


 
Finally, the show-style ending with Lincoln's "moral" was nice, though when Lori scolded him for his mishandling of his "boy stuff" that was the perfect little shot that made it perfect for the series.


 
The “moral” seems so standard for the show that I felt like it wouldn’t really be a Loud House story without one. And the “boy stuff” ending just seemed fitting; I’d had that in mind since I started writing the story.



Thanks again for such a fantastic story, and I'm honored to have been the proofreader (so I could read it sooner!).

Thanks again for your proofreading, and your marvelous comments!

Re: “Mommy’s Home”
 
Thank you! I am actually planning to write a sequel to this one, so I hope you’ll stay tuned.

It’s a lot of work, though. I mean, just keeping up with what kind of candy little girls like is- Never mind.

Sure, Lincoln may just be lousy pedophile, but with a lot of practice he could be a fantastic pedophile.

Wait, so it’s starve a troll, feed a fever? I always get that mixed up.
But yes, agree with everyone that the best response usually is no response.

You mean, the part where he bangs his five-year-old twin sisters? Don’t know why you'd think that.

Working Title: Sherlock Homeboy
Fandom: Sherlock Holmes
Plot: Sherlock Langston Holmes is a poor teenager from Chicago's South Side. He has a gift for solving crimes that variously earns him respect and enmity in his community and among the police. He survives by his wits and with the help of his best friend, Johnny Watson, a varsity linebacker who dreams of one day going to medical school.
Fatal flaws:
1. There's no story here -- characters and setting, but no plot.
2. I don't know jack about what life is like for poor black teenagers on the South Side.
3. Does anybody still say “homeboy”?
Keeping or abandoning? Abandoning

I created a thread like this on the WWOEC forum a while back, but since WWOEC is no more, I thought I'd begin it again here.
Basically, this thread is for story ideas that you had and really liked but that had some fatal flaw that prevented you from incarnating them as word-flesh. Here, you can tell the world about your great idea--the working title (if there was one), the fandom (including "original"), the plot, and the fatal flaw. I'll start:
Working Title: Dead Man's Curve
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Plot: Some time during season 4 or thereabouts, a couple of our heroes' male classmates are killed in solo car accidents on a stretch of cliffside highway people call Dead Man's Curve. They notice that another of their classmates has been lurking around that area and become suspicious, but it turns out that she's an applied math major doing a research project on the inexplicably high accident rate on this one segment of road. Ultimately, Buffy and the gang discover that a demon has been lurking in this area, appearing in a ghostly race car and brain-addling young men into racing against it and crashing. Giles' research determines that if someone were to actually race the demon and win, the demon, in its anger, would take physical form and attack, thereby giving Buffy a corporeal ass to kick. Giles somehow commandeers a muscle car, Xander races the demon to victory, and Buffy beats the crap out of it.
Fatal flaws: I liked the basic idea, but it needed some sort of additional twist to make it interesting. While I was thinking about what that might be, a fellow fanfic writer who was a friend of mine lost her mother and brother in a freak car accident. I just couldn't write the story after that.
Keeping or Abandoning? Abandoning

I wonder whether playing role-playing games early one helps one avoid the Mary Sue trap. Character creation in an RPG usually involves tradeoffs (or at least the odd bad die roll), so unless you are crazy lucky (or cheat like mad), your character can’t be perfect. As a result, you’re always thinking about characters in terms of their strengths and their weaknesses.

From Fairy-Slayer on January 21, 2017

Chapter 8 had all kinds of great action.

I find that writing fight scenes and writing sex scenes aren’t really that different. They’re all about whose limbs are doing what where.

I'm so glad the "emergency" turned out to be a good thing, and definitely a good reason to interrupt Marco and Jackie. Even better is how the interruption and explanation gave Jackie an opening to move things along for them as well. Safe Kids is Smart Kid.

I figured that Star’s definition of “emergency” is probably broader than most people’s. And Jackie isn’t easily thrown off.

The lovemaking was wonderful, both in the action and in the beautiful descriptive imagery throughout. It was very sensual and also pretty hot.

Thank you! Given that it’s what much of the story has been leading up to, I tried to make it live up to readers’ expectations.

Jackie's bashful comment about doing it a lot more was cute, and Marco's response about the blueflower incense was a perfect little compliment.

Both comments just seemed in-character for them.

Of course, Star and Oskar having raving screaming crazy monkeysex one booth over was pretty funny too.

I had a hard time deciding whether to show Star and Oskar in action, too, or just stick with Marco and Jackie. Ultimately, I decided that the Star/Oskar fun was perhaps better left to the imagination.

Marco and Star's banter when the ambush was revealed was funny, and I loved the PC talk among the villains before attacking.

That just seemed like something that might happen in Star’s world.

Great description yet good pacing on the fight scene, plus good comebacks as always. Also, it was nice to see Marco a bit more easygoing and even appreciating some friendly ribbing here, like they've been working his character towards on the show.

What with the mineral pool, the massage, the incense, and the afterglow, I figured that Marco would be his most relaxed self at this point in the story.

The villains may be inept (or just seem inept) but, yikes, they got the job done and Star is none the wiser. It will be interesting to see how it takes hold on her and what side-issues that will bring about; combined with Tom's other machinations it all has me quite intrigued.

Good…

Thanks for another terrific chapter.

Thanks for another great review!