Shadowknight12

Hello and welcome to my humble abode. I am Shadow Knight, also known as SK and 'that guy over there.' Please, have a seat and help yourself to whatever strikes your fancy, including leaving any comments to my forthcoming book reviews. Speaking of which, that's the purpose of this thread, in case you've failed to deduce that on your own accord. I have so much stuff to read, mainly series that have been recommended to me, that I figured out I might as well make my thoughts public. Most of the time, I stumble across something that not only fails to capture my interest but annoys me a great deal. The by-product of such event is snark. Lots and lots of vitriolic snark. Which in most cases end up being a lot more fun, to me, than the reading itself. If you enjoy that kind of humour, read on! If not, I would advise you turn back now, before it's too late...
FIRST BOOK: INK EXCHANGE, BY MELISSA MARR.
Apparently, the story is about a paranormal romance set in Huntsdale, where three of the four Courts of Faerie reside. Apparently the King of the Summer Court is looking for his Queen, who was taken the form of a normal girl. This should make you frown right from the start. This is the Wikipedia page for the series.
Prologue: Bland and rather uninteresting, full of clichés and ominous characters. Ooh, spooky! A poorly explained evil is rising and this random girl is... part of a vague plot. I have never seen THAT before!1 I can tell already that you aren't a particularly gifted author, Mrs. Marr. Your only saving grace? You present the convincing illusion that your heroine might have a strong personality, rather than the AFGNCAAP2 protagonists normally plaguing novels.
Veredict: Barely passable. Keeping a vomit bag in hand.
Chapter One: Let's start with the only thing you got right, my mentally-challenged author: tiny details about everyday life in a broken home. Hiding food, struggling with the bills, yaddayadda. Don't say I don't give credit where it is due. Now, let us move on to dissect what you did oh so very wrong: EVERYTHING ELSE. You did a reasonably believable attempt at representing a broken home, hovering between dysfunctional and 'please, someone call social services NOW!,' but then you fucked that up like there was no tomorrow. Your attempt at portraying the mental state of someone in that kind of situation not only fails utterly and in every single way, it also reveals quite transparently your sheltered, WASPy background. A girl that (apparently) GETS RAPED BY HER STONER BROTHER'S FRIENDS would never act the way you describe. What you describe is an upper-middle class suburban girl who thinks about hot boys and getting herself a tattoo because her head is vacuous. A struggling teenager from a broken home is, in no way, that ridiculously vapid, no matter how much she whines about wanting to maintain the illusion of normalcy.
Also, you fall into the typical trap of making potential romantic characters (or what's worse, the 'magical race' of the novel) absolutely gorgeous. That is clichéd and fucking annoying. Ten lashes for you, you shallow imbecile. As an aside, your intolerable shallowness is further exposed when we examine the heroine's reason for getting a tattoo. It's implied in the title of the book and the prologue that this is rather important. One would expect this to be given more thought by the heroine, I would expect an entire fucking chapter of waxing poetically about body art and its significance, its meaning, its implications, about her thoughts, desires, fears, emotions. YOU GIVE ME NONE OF THAT. Bitch. I get, at best, a vague desire to express herself, then a lazily explained internet search about tattoos and their history that just 'resonates with her.' Yeah, right. You aren't fooling anyone, Mrs. Marr. I can tell you just find tattoos 'cool' or 'hot' and like the imagery. The amount of effort you put into disguising this is so small it borders on the insulting.
As an aside to any writer reading this, to avoid making the same mistakes she made, do try to avoid presenting anyone (much less a whole race of Marty Stus in a paper-thin disguise) as objectively beautiful. It's fine if you're in the protagonist's PoV and you state stuff like 'she felt inexplicably attracted to him' or 'she found him extremely handsome' or 'there was something about him that she couldn't quite place, something that stirred dark desires within her' or something like that. That is biased. It explains that the character is beautiful to the protagonist. There's nothing readers (especially old snarky fuckers like me) hate more than being told what to think/feel. We enjoy making our own judgements about the characters, thank you very much. No, you do not get to argue with me about characters being 'objectively beautiful' because there is no such thing. We all have different standards for beauty and it is simply bad writing to force yours upon me. So you find a certain kind of fashion/looks/scene hot. Good for you. Now have a little courtesy to the reader and assume that applies only to your protagonist, no matter how 'universal' you think it is.
Also, avoid avoid avoid avoid avoid AVOID the old 'oh my life is so awful! If only some hot person would rescue me...!" personality, because it annoys the ever-loving fuck out of me. I am reminded of all the passive people stuck in awful situation that refuse to lift a finger to help themselves, instead waiting for a shining knight (AHEM!) to swoop down and save them. Yeah, right. Dream on, kid. Dream on.
Veredict: Dear Mrs. Marr: You fail. You eat failure for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Please do me a personal favour and set yourself on fire. I will not progress further into the book nor the rest of your series3. Thank you.
SECOND BOOK: WICKED LOVELY, BY MELISSA MARR.
Dear Shadow Knight: YOU STUPID FUCK, CHECK THE ORDER OF THE BOOKS BEFORE STARTING A SERIES. Twenty lashes for you. Yours sincerely, COMMON FUCKING SENSE.
Prologue: *groans* GIVE ME BACK THE FIVE MINUTES OF MY LIFE I SPENT READING THAT ATROCITY! I facepalmed so hard I almost knocked myself unconscious. Holy shit lady, you sure know how to start a book! There are so many things wrong about your plot that I simply have no clue where to start! Firstly, your AFGNCAAP decoy protagonist is an idiot. She is warned that she might spend eternity cursed, doomed to actively fight against those who might actually free her from that curse, and she chooses to go ahead because 'she's in love with that boy'? I get it, Mrs. Marr, you were deeply in love when you were young, and you were fucked and then tossed aside like a used toy, but dear heavens, woman! Leave your personal history aside! We don't want to read about retarded people doing retarded things just so that you have a cheap way to make the real protagonist's plight even more dramatic later on. We, the readers, are NEVER convinced when a random extra gets offed at the beginning, just to prove how dangerous the plot device is. Or do you think we have all failed Genre Savvy 101, like you? For shame, woman. For shame.
Veredict: I am stopping here. No more torture for me. Mrs. Marr, eat glass shards and choke on your own blood.
COMING UP NEXT: SOMETHING THAT HOPEFULLY WON'T MAKE MY BRAIN BLEED. STAY TUNED.
1: For more details on this overused, unrealistic plot, see Changeling Fantasy.
2: Ageless-Faceless-Gender-Neutral-Culturally-Ambiguous-Adventure-Person. Many writers do try to give their main characters a personality, though. Most of the time, however, they just give them a gender and call it a day. In which case we end up with a Ageless-Faceless-Stereotypically-Gendered-Culturally-Ambiguous-Adventure-Person. But the acronym is nowhere nearly as catchy.
3: Retarded, retarded me, confusing the first book of the series with the second. NOW I HAVE TO ENDURE MORE TORTURE.

Dear Mrs. Tightbottom,
I have a stalker! She's kind of nice, but she wants to use a cattle prod on me. Does it hurt? Is it pleasurable? Should I avoid carpets and wool? What about water?
Should I be worried if I wake up wearing a kilt?
Yours sincerely,
Patrick Patrick Kirkpatrick

Pen Name: Shadow Knight.
Story link: AFF Prompt - Cornucopia.
Type of fic: FlashFic
Rating: Adult +
Fandom: Original.
Pairing: N/A.
Warnings: AFFO, Anal, Anthro, ChallengeFic, COMPLETE, HJ, Language, M/M, Oneshot, PWP, Rim.

When I review, I try to make a point of saying at least one good thing the author has done right and at least one bad thing the author could improve on. Once that's done, I write my general impressions and let my judgment tell me if I need to add more praise or point out more stuff that could be fixed. Above all, I try to be fair and polite, because I've come across as a troll/flamer before, since I have a hard time "cushioning" criticism. If I think a character is a dick, I'll tell you he's a dick. If I think that the sex scene lacked realism, that's what you'll be hearing from me. But lately I've been trying to sound more humane. It's a selfish thing, really, because if the author is offended by my review, they'll disregard it, making me waste the time I spent writing the review in the first place.
When I receive reviews, I am oh so very wary of praise. It's not that I don't like it (on the contrary!), I just don't fully believe it. When I see someone saying "Oh, you're such a great writer!" or "This story is awesome!" I just narrow my eyes and go "...okay. Thank you!" and wonder if they really meant it. Of course, longer reviews like the kind I write are actually heavenly, because I can get a better idea of what the reader actually thinks. Those are the reviews that make me keep on writing.
But on a broader scope, I think that you can't improve without criticism. A single review that points out your flaws is much, much better than 100 reviews that praise how awesome you are. If you can have both, great, if not, tough shit, life ain't perfect. I do think that people should give more feedback, of ANY kind, but that's probably what 99% of all authors around here believe.

djackgirl, you're in a toxic relationship. Take her to the back and shoot her.
All three above are absolutely right. Ditch the bitch and get an author who has not failed Human Decency 101. I think betas deserve credit for the job they do, and I make sure I include at the very least a thank you line at the end of every chapter they proofread for me.
Also, ApolloImperium is right. She plagiarized your work. If you can somehow use that to screw her over while you ditch her, all the better. She deserves it for being such a fucktard.
I sincerely hope you'll find someone who'll treat you right and help you get over this awful experience.

You're very right, wanderingaddict, about the female/emotion thing. And I want to argue that not all females are like that, but I can't. At least, not well, considering I only have a small sample of women who think logically (including myself) to go by.
Going specifically on the slave example (or truth), I think that's not just female's gushing over sex=love. It's also that VERY few people can do a M/s story correctly, which saddens me. I LOVE M/s stories, but I'm turned off of them for now since, like, NO ONE can do a good one (excluding pittwitch)! D:
Speaking as a female: Not all of us always like the typical female/male falling in love with dominating, sex-addicted, asshole/partner. Granted, I do enjoy these every now and then, but I mostly enjoy when a story is well-written, the plot makes sense, and the characters are realistic.
I think the main problem is that most of the writers that those types of stories are brain-washed by the media to believe that all, or most, relationships are like that, or that it's acceptable. I also think that many of them are fresh out of high school and haven't had a real relationship, getting most of their research from books, movies, tv, and elsewhere.

hah, I've found that this pretty much takes place along gender lines. my pal Fawnheart, for instance, is an amazing writer. the characters she creates interact with each other the way real people would, not the way she wants them to or typical archetypes would, or anything else. she is, hands down, one of the best authors I have ever read in terms of character portrayal and development. but...
she has horrible taste in reading (and Fawnikins, if you read this, I'm sorry, but frankly it's true!). I mean, a lot of the stories she recommends to me I just stare at, my face twitching with anger/rage at how much of an asshole the seme/male love interest is.
see, the difference in the two genders is that women tend to look at problems from an emotional-relational perspective, and at the overall whole, whereas men walk into a story and look at the individual details and the individual persons first. to add to that, men and women tend (and I mean this simply as a general tendency) to view sex differently as well, with men "compartmentalizing" sex as a physical act (more often than not) and as something that's relatively separate from love. that's not to say that men do not ever associate sex with love, or use sex as an act of love, but just that they more readily separate the two than women do. women, on the other hand, for a thousand social, evolutionary, and biological reasons, have a tendency to view sex as- while perhaps not the ultimate act- but a very clear act of love and interest. again, that's not to say that they can't separate the two either, or not have casual sex or anything, but more that they will simply tend to associate sex with the implication of love, unlike men.
so my dear friend Fawnikins walks into a story about some mean vampire guy having a lot of sex with his human/wereanimal/whatever slave, and is like "oh look! this ultra hot guy is boning the fuck outta his slave! the author has written several times that they're in love! they MUST be in love! this is awesome and cool!" but then I walk in, look at the story, and I'm just like "... this isn't love. the guy belittles the slave, clearly has no respect for him/her, doesn't care about his/her wishes, and generally is an all around unlikable douche (mostly to the slave, but often to the other characters of the story as well)."
to me, looking at the specific details of the interactions in the story, it's clear that there's no love. there's nothing like mutual respect, or acceptance, or even interest. the asshole doesn't care to get to know the thoughts of the slave, appreciate the slave's nonsexual qualities, acknowledge the slave as an independent person, etc. the slave is nothing but a glorified cum receptacle. "now addict" you caw, shrieking in defense of your vampire story, "you're overgeneralizing! this slave is different! the vampire master knows that if the slave really wanted, the slave could totally win a fight with the vampire so he clearly has respect for the stronger slave here!"
to which I would say "no" and maybe smack you across the face (lightly). the vampire doesn't respect the slave, he respects his strength. as in singular attribute, not the actual person who possesses that attribute. the same is generally true of all asshole stories- the asshole respects the person's looks/ability to turn into a slut once some cock is in them, but they don't actually respect the person themselves.
female readers/writers, in my experience, rarely pull themselves out from the idea of the 'relationship' to examine the story in terms of the two individual characters. they don't realize that the hot guy, the totally super-awesome badass that they all lust over isn't interested in the slave for anything other than the slave's ability to suck his cock. they may try to justify their story later with things like "oooh, but nooo! the vampire totally LOVES the slave's mind and really values the slave's thoughts and opinions!" ... except they don't ever actually show that, so instead the story just goes on some more with lame asshole antics.
so yeah. in my experience, it pretty much falls almost exclusively along gender lines. which is really too bad, because it can be devastating for a male reader who likes strong female characters to get to the end of a story, where the strong and powerful female lead meets the one guy, this one ultra asshole, who even though he's not as smart, interesting, or cool as she is, still sets her vagina afire and reduces her to a quivering mess for no reason other than that... he tells her what to do? haha, I dunno. women like to write about assholes dominating them (partly because it's taboo, etc.) and women like to read about it, which is why some very, very horribly-stupid-on-every-level stories get published. like Twilight.
if anything, it's the equivalent of the way a lotta male stories inevitably involve one or more male characters falling for a utter bitch/gold digger because she's got a nice pair of tits and a cute face. it's just that the media has shown that trope a thousand times over and over and everyone knows that men are stupid and dumb, but it's sometimes jarring to see that women can fall prey to the same traps too.

Ah, I see.
Yeah, see, that's something logical and sane. I can't really compute a deviation from that reasoning. I mean, there can't be THAT many masochistic people out there.
Hah! Yeah, you're absolutely right. I mean, when I'm a complete asshole to you, it's because you've done something to deserve it. Maybe you were really stupid, maybe you shoved a pregnant woman to get the last cab on a rainy day. Either way, there's a reason you're getting the verbal hose and if you were a smart person, you'd use that to avoid making the same mistake in the future. Hence why this behaviour bothers me. What's the deal? What makes people disregard common sense like that? What's so cool about the bad boy, other than a really lazy way to get excitement?

I think there's one or two things I can contribute with, that haven't been touched yet. For you girls, I think that the best way to imagine how an erection feels like, clothes or not, is to think of your clitoris. Some of you may not know this, but a clitoris is basically an internal penis. The actual clit would be the equivalent of the male glans (the 'head' of the penis) and it's just the tip of the larger body that extends behind your vaginal wall. If you want to know what an erection feels like, then get aroused and pay close attention to how your clit behaves. You'll notice that at first it's just small, but that as your arousal increases, it begins to swell with blood and become very responsive to pleasure. That's pretty much what we feel, too (and really, it's the exact same erectile tissue, the sensations are practically the same), including the build-up to an orgasm.
You can also draw a parallel between a clitoris and an uncut cock. A clit has a 'hood' covering it, called prepuce, which is pretty much the female equivalent of a guy's foreskin (so if you want to know how foreskin feels like, well... you have a way to find out). It protects the clit from abrasion and chafing. This varies from guy to guy and woman to woman, but generally, a woman who's not aroused or only slightly so might actually feel discomfort or pain if (for example) a guy rolls back the prepuce and tongues her clit directly. That happens to uncut guys who aren't fully hard, too. As the levels of arousal increase, the erectile tissue is capable of enduring more direct contact, to the point where it's actually very pleasurable for both to apply direct stimulation.
And finally, a penis is not (usually) something that can be turned on and off like a lamp. Going from limp to throbbing hard and back again isn't something that happens in a matter of seconds (save specific exceptions, like exceedingly powerful stimuli). There are stages of hardness, but the time that takes the guy to go from one to another varies depending on the guy in question and what's triggering the arousal. Also, not all guys have the same amount of stages. Some have just four, some have more, some may even have only three or two.
The first stage is limpness, which is the cock that hasn't even begun to experience arousal. This is the default state (when an erection is the default state, it's called priapism and it's a very hilarious illness). Then there's the 'stirring' stage, where the male first sees something vaguely arousing. He might catch a glimpse of cleavage or start fantasizing. The cock is not hard here, but it sends 'warning signs' to the guy, telling him that if he keeps going down that road, things are going to get stiff. If the guy is clothed, nothing is visible. If the guy is naked, his cock might twitch on its own or even roll lazily a little, across his leg/navel/hip. Might grow an inch or so if the guy's a grower (that is, if his cock changes size between limp and hard. Some guys have the same size regardless of arousal, they're usually called 'showers'). Then you have the 'half-hard' stage, in which the arousal continues its course and blood begins to flow into the penis. Here is when the guy starts to get slightly stiff and his dick starts to grow. If the stimulus isn't strong enough, the growth might stop here. If a guy catches sight of a nice ass, for example, maybe it won't get him fully hard (depends on his personal tastes), but it might be enough to get his blood flowing. Usually the cock remains like this for a few moments even after the arousing stimulus has passed, it doesn't immediately go back to limp (assuming he doesn't see something horrifying that completely kills his mood, of course). It's like his cock is saying "hey, are you SURE you don't want to keep thinking about that ass? I already have all this blood here, it would be a shame to send it back to the body..."
Some guys have different stages of hardness, and whether all or some of them should be called "fully" hard is a matter of debate. What they all have in common is that a guy can orgasm in this state. If a guy is jerking off, for example, to relieve stress or because he's used to it or because his body demands release, he might not become 100% hard. He might only reach 90% of his potential, but it's still enough to climax. It's like a chore, the guy's not really into it. He gets hard enough to do his job, comes, and then he goes back to limp very fast (in a minute or less). Now, if the guy is actually interested and he's very aroused, he might reach his peak and become as hard as he can get. The main difference between these is basically the intensity of the orgasm and the volume of cum. In the first case, the guy may have a quick orgasm and shoot a small load, maybe a couple of shots. In the latter, the guy may have a longer, 'better' orgasm, and his ejaculation might be a little or a lot more copious. Oh, and in the latter case, the cock usually stays hard for a long time after climaxing (from a couple of minutes to remaining hard enough to go at it again once the refractory period is finished). Of course, some guys have more than these stages. Maybe a guy gets 80% hard when he's jerking off every day, but he can get 90% hard when he's getting laid, and 100% hard when his girlfriend/boyfriend has him tied down and spanks him with gusto; or he engages in his favorite fetish. It varies.
And as a closing advice: watch porn. No, seriously. The best way to familiarize yourselves with a penis is by looking at it so often and from such different angles that you can practically draw it with your eyes closed. Look at the different shapes they come in, how they change color depending on how hard they are, how most guys will start dribbling precome if they're REALLY aroused and they're not getting any. It doesn't need to be video, of course. Pictures/manga/etc work just fine, too. The key is to get as familiar with it as you can.
I think that's all, hope this helps iron out some leftover details on the matter.

I think there's one or two things I can contribute with, that haven't been touched yet. For you girls, I think that the best way to imagine how an erection feels like, clothes or not, is to think of your clitoris. Some of you may not know this, but a clitoris is basically an internal penis. The actual clit would be the equivalent of the male glans (the 'head' of the penis) and it's just the tip of the larger body that extends behind your vaginal wall. If you want to know what an erection feels like, then get aroused and pay close attention to how your clit behaves. You'll notice that at first it's just small, but that as your arousal increases, it begins to swell with blood and become very responsive to pleasure. That's pretty much what we feel, too (and really, it's the exact same erectile tissue, the sensations are practically the same), including the build-up to an orgasm.
You can also draw a parallel between a clitoris and an uncut cock. A clit has a 'hood' covering it, called prepuce, which is pretty much the female equivalent of a guy's foreskin (so if you want to know how foreskin feels like, well... you have a way to find out). It protects the clit from abrasion and chafing. This varies from guy to guy and woman to woman, but generally, a woman who's not aroused or only slightly so might actually feel discomfort or pain if (for example) a guy rolls back the prepuce and tongues her clit directly. That happens to uncut guys who aren't fully hard, too. As the levels of arousal increase, the erectile tissue is capable of enduring more direct contact, to the point where it's actually very pleasurable for both to apply direct stimulation.
And finally, a penis is not (usually) something that can be turned on and off like a lamp. Going from limp to throbbing hard and back again isn't something that happens in a matter of seconds (save specific exceptions, like exceedingly powerful stimuli). There are stages of hardness, but the time that takes the guy to go from one to another varies depending on the guy in question and what's triggering the arousal. Also, not all guys have the same amount of stages. Some have just four, some have more, some may even have only three or two.
The first stage is limpness, which is the cock that hasn't even begun to experience arousal. This is the default state (when an erection is the default state, it's called priapism and it's a very hilarious illness). Then there's the 'stirring' stage, where the male first sees something vaguely arousing. He might catch a glimpse of cleavage or start fantasizing. The cock is not hard here, but it sends 'warning signs' to the guy, telling him that if he keeps going down that road, things are going to get stiff. If the guy is clothed, nothing is visible. If the guy is naked, his cock might twitch on its own or even roll lazily a little, across his leg/navel/hip. Might grow an inch or so if the guy's a grower (that is, if his cock changes size between limp and hard. Some guys have the same size regardless of arousal, they're usually called 'showers'). Then you have the 'half-hard' stage, in which the arousal continues its course and blood begins to flow into the penis. Here is when the guy starts to get slightly stiff and his dick starts to grow. If the stimulus isn't strong enough, the growth might stop here. If a guy catches sight of a nice ass, for example, maybe it won't get him fully hard (depends on his personal tastes), but it might be enough to get his blood flowing. Usually the cock remains like this for a few moments even after the arousing stimulus has passed, it doesn't immediately go back to limp (assuming he doesn't see something horrifying that completely kills his mood, of course). It's like his cock is saying "hey, are you SURE you don't want to keep thinking about that ass? I already have all this blood here, it would be a shame to send it back to the body..."
Some guys have different stages of hardness, and whether all or some of them should be called "fully" hard is a matter of debate. What they all have in common is that a guy can orgasm in this state. If a guy is jerking off, for example, to relieve stress or because he's used to it or because his body demands release, he might not become 100% hard. He might only reach 90% of his potential, but it's still enough to climax. It's like a chore, the guy's not really into it. He gets hard enough to do his job, comes, and then he goes back to limp very fast (in a minute or less). Now, if the guy is actually interested and he's very aroused, he might reach his peak and become as hard as he can get. The main difference between these is basically the intensity of the orgasm and the volume of cum. In the first case, the guy may have a quick orgasm and shoot a small load, maybe a couple of shots. In the latter, the guy may have a longer, 'better' orgasm, and his ejaculation might be a little or a lot more copious. Oh, and in the latter case, the cock usually stays hard for a long time after climaxing (from a couple of minutes to remaining hard enough to go at it again once the refractory period is finished). Of course, some guys have more than these stages. Maybe a guy gets 80% hard when he's jerking off every day, but he can get 90% hard when he's getting laid, and 100% hard when his girlfriend/boyfriend has him tied down and spanks him with gusto; or he engages in his favorite fetish. It varies.
And as a closing advice: watch porn. No, seriously. The best way to familiarize yourselves with a penis is by looking at it so often and from such different angles that you can practically draw it with your eyes closed. Look at the different shapes they come in, how they change color depending on how hard they are, how most guys will start dribbling precome if they're REALLY aroused and they're not getting any. It doesn't need to be video, of course. Pictures/manga/etc work just fine, too. The key is to get as familiar with it as you can.
I think that's all, hope this helps iron out some leftover details on the matter.

Shadowknight,
I just wanted to say that I really loved this lastinterlude: I thought that it was done really interestingly, what with the wholedifferent perspective on familiar events thing. One thing that kind of broke itup for me was the Call to Arms lyrics interspersed. I thought it was a reallyneat idea, but that it would work better, maybe, if the interjections were lessfrequent, and maybe if what the words actually meant lined up more with thestory.
So that you have a better idea of what the song actuallymeans (if you’ve done your research, skip this and this suggestion), I herepresent an approximate translation, courtesy of about 3 different onlinetranslators I worked through.
Gloria!
Honorifice!
Praelium Facio!
Animus!
Gradior quo prodo!
In excelsis precedo!
Adversa Incurro!
Bellator Decerte!
INVADORIA!
Desideratus Fatum
Desideratus Bellum.
Glory! Honor! Join the battle! Courage! Act with [pride]!Exceed all elevations! Contest of warriors! Enemies are attacking! INVADE!Welcome to Fate. Welcome to War.
A less literal, but more prosaic translation might run morelike… Glory! Honor! Join the Battle! Have the Courage to live with pride.Exceed all limits in this contest of warriors: the enemies are attacking!INVADE! Welcome to Fate; Welcome to the War.
My suggestions for the lyrics are thus: Put Gloria quoProdo! Where “Gloria Quo!” is now. Where Prodo is now, don’t put anything. Do the same with In Excelsis andPrecedo, and then again with Bellator and Decerte. Put “Adversa Incurro” whereDecerte is now, and then Invadoria where Adversa is. Put Desideratus Fatumwhere Invadoria is now, and leave Desideratus Bellum where it is. I feel like the words in those placeswould much better reflect what is going on in the story.
Now that that’s done with, I have a few more questions,because I’m confused. This far,you have been sticking very closely to WoW as it appears to us in the game(adding in all your wonderful storylines of course), but here Therenil isintroduced as a High Elf. I’m presumingthat that’s a precursor to an unquenched, if not unrequited love between the–enil’s, as it were, with Aera having that as a means of relating to Ther. It was only slightly confusing to me,and I got over it, I was just wondering if you intend to cleave as closely tothe experienceable (that is not a word, but English lacks one I know of forit), aspects of the game (gay sex patch 4.04 Pl0x).
Next thing that I was curious about, is that I had beenreading the whole story so far with the impression that the four (now five,soon to be six) companions had perished in the attack on the Verdant Glade. Iunderstand now that that may not be the case, and I know that you purposelyleft the description of the post-attack Glade open to interpretation so as notto reveal if the characters were alive or not, but I feel that having thisInterlude now removes that “Take this as you will” aspect of the journalentries. Of course, if you’vealready planned a long series of chapters in which all six of them survive,YAY! I hate it when main characters die. Not really, but it makes me sad. Alternatively, is this an alternatereality, as it were, an expostulation on the hypothetical case of them beingpresent at the Wrathgate, which they may or may not ever have been? Now I’mconfusing myself. I’ll stop, because this paragraph needs to end.
Is Ceristrasz Aeranil’s lover? I thought he had claimedVaren. Guess I’ll find out.
Anyways, sorry for the weird, ranting-ish nature of this. Imainly wrote it to distract myself from studying for my physics test, which Iam going to fail anyways. Oh well.
Ereidivh

Wow!
I've been away, and unable to read the story, but I just finished catching up on my reading (last time I left off around Aeranil's first entry). It was, if I may say, fantastic! I'm absolutely captivated by this new, dramatic juncture in the narrative, and can't wait for the next chapter!
The writing quality is, I think, superb. I admire your broad vocabulary, but feel like in some places you're using it in a way that distracts from the story, rather than giving it more realism. For example, in that last chapter; would Daeron really write like that? "He had to be careful when turning around, lest he fall to the ground." I feel like it's just bogging down the story.
I love the new Dragon story-line that's emerging. Have I been missing the hints to it along the way, or is just entirely new? Whichever, I think that it adds a definitely needed lightness to the last few chapters, and also gave the chance for the first sex scenes not involving Aeranil! Yay! I'll admit that, after having read only Varen's view of it, I thought that Daeron might have been visiting him in his sleep, and then had a horrified moment when I thought it might have been Aeranil. Poor Varen though, everything seems to happen to him.
I'm sorry that this is turning into a bit of an undirected rant; I'll wrap it up.
Can't wait for the next chapter, excited to see how Daeron and Varen work things out, if they'll find a Shaman, if the Aeranil situation will improve, how many more of Elune's body parts Daeron can exclaim with, etc. etc.
Props,
Ereidivh

just 'cause it's cliche hardly means it's bad. cliches are popular for a reason. personally I heart subtle twists to them far, far more than people just being like mwah, night elf druid, so cliche, my druid's a fucking dwarf or something equally retarded. hah!
it's hardly anything bad to rewrite. I often go back and just rewrite entire chapters after I've posted them. most of the time I consider the first post to be nothing more than a first draft, and sometimes it's only after reading it on the AFF page that I actually realize where it could use work. a connection between Daeron and moonlight could be made almost more obvious if you just change the mechanic. all druids cast moonfire-crap spells right? it's hardly anything different for him to use them. if you have his fur glitter when he hits a patch of moonlight, or he can (more or less) teleport/bounce around from patch to patch or something different, etc, then the connection is a LOT more clear, you know? because it's different enough to take note of. obviously nothing game-breaking, but it should be easy enough to combine his kitty form with some good mooney abilities/tricks or something.
hah, I got that Varen is unaware of the shadow-side of being a priest. I meant more that he doesn't have conscious access to shadow-CC so one could hardly expect him to fear the mobs off him. none of that incompetence came through though, if that's what you were trying to get at there. Aero seems super capable, but for the most part it's just kind of random, because even he is just flat-tackled by the felpuppy, when something like being suddenly spell-locked and then tackled, or getting his shield eaten by one while the other attacks is more appropriate, you know? whereas Varen and Daeron just kind attack shit and get attacked randomly, and there's no real clear skill difference. haha, I'm probably just expounding on something you already know though, so I'll shut up. oh and the scene itself is passing tolerable, I mean, not awful or unreadable. my comments were just things to think about if you want to make it better, that's all.

I should probably add some more to my review!
so yeah. that interlude eh? how 'bout that? waaaaas it a GHOSTWOLF?? haha, what throughs it off is the hands and feet comment. and the shield. at first I thought it was going to be a worgen even! but then I remembered that worgen can't be shaman so I was all like hmm. I've been wondering what the new shaman would be too. I figured orc, as that's the most typical archetype and really kinda what's missing from this story so far, but a troll wouldn't be out of place, and hey you could pull sometihng outta thin air and do a goblin or a dwarf on me so I really have no clue! oh, and a tauren I suppose, but you already have a tauren so it'd be all redundant and stuff. anywho.
my comments on the deterioration were just suggestions to make a lttle of what you're getting at more clear, perhaps, since you're interested in that and wanted feedback. I personally never assume the writer is trying to do anything at all so I never really look for that unless it's with clear examples in the writing itself. those were just some examples that would catch me, personally, so make of that what you will! in terms of the action, it felt... hmm, kind of all over the place. what I think a lot of writers fail to do (particularly ones writing spellcasters) is forget that melee ALWAYS trumps mages in close combat. I can't tell you how often I've read some otherwise alright book just fall apart when it comes to a battle, where- for some reason- the footmen stand around with their swords drawn, waiting for a spellcaster to chant a 20-30 second spell instead of just throwing their sword at the dude and interrupting/slowing it altogether.
specifically, they fail to consider that ALL members of hte battle have minds focused on self-preservation. in your case specifically, you have three casters versus a bunch of casters and a handful of melee. caster-versus-caster is the easiest to write, honestly, becuase you can just do whatever the fuck you want, but in caster versus melee, the charging melee must be kept away from the body in some way, shape, or form. this means, however, that the caster cannot cast when they're kiting.
so in your case, the fight kind of stutters, especially with Daeren. what he does during the battle is constantly dodge, right? at the same time he casts? this seems counter to his primary preference (that being his kitty form) for one, and for two his kitty would be much better for melee in the first place. it's the same with Varen- you write him as someone would play in the literal games, that is, aggroing a bunch of mobs and then just standing there while he's hit with a mace over and over. heh, there's kind of a break in reality, you know? a much more appropriate way might be to emphasize either Daeron or Varen handling holding back the melee from one or the other (or both, of course). Daeren does have entangling roots and kitty stuns, and it seems like Varen has zero shadow spells, but at least would have desperate prayer/shields/renews, etc, so he could be the melee tank while Daeren moonfires all the casters or something. anyways, my point is that even if you want to emphasize them not being able to work as a team or something, they still need to act like the mobs charging them are equally intelligent, capable creatures. a priest constantly healing himself when you stab him in the stomach is a nuiscance, but once you smack him in the head with a mace that stops, ya know? or, going back to the not working as a team, they have to be able to work to protect themselves (if that means just running away, LoSing the casters, etc) then so be it. it just gets wonky when a writer says something like "6 men ran up with swords and stabbed at the mage who dodged all of them and then tossed an ice bolt that totally killed them all" when really, it's pretty hard to dodge six swords coming from at LEAST a half-circle direction.
so yeah. just commenting on that. if you want to hear it. if not, sera sera

argh, what the shit?? half my review got cut off, AGAIN.
anyways, after saying that I love Felwood, I went on to say that I like Daeron the most, in part because he's angry and seems proactive and strong, but also because he seems like he's the most active and the one who's trying the hardest to work towards a true goal, which is the meat and potatoes of a hearty story stew! so right now he has some unfair advantages over the others, but still (plus I like night elves, if you didn't know ). Bron I think I could and still do really, really like (almost the most) but he just hasn't had enough show-time. Aero's definitely the most entertaining though, lawlz, his incessent quips and gangsta attitude are bomb. it's not really the sex that does it for in his chapters (though this latest one with Bron really did make me sit up in my chair and take interest!) but more how indomitable his will is. I like strong characters that are self-assured and do not break at the drop of a hat (unlike most of what you see, you know?).
or something to that effect. I'm not sure, I don't really remember. anyways, I ended it by commenting that of the three, I am not at all attached to Vaerun, and that could be because of my natural aversion towards draenei, (so take what I say with a grain of salt), but also there's so little about *him* that it's hard to know where he fits in and what he feels and stuff. I mean, the three characters I think of when I think of this story are D-man, Bron, and Aero, and then I kind of am like "oooh yeah. and Vaerun."
or something to THAT effect. I don't really remember that part either. you should toss in some "pimp" and "baller" remarks around Aero's name, oh! I also remember commenting that I love his quips and the scathing, over the top way he looks down on everybody. but mostly, it was those lines about Vaerun. just to let you know how he's come across- to me- so far.

hee, neat! I didn't know anyone else ever checked the forums. anyways, I wanted to add to my latest review, but didn't feel it was worth taking up another one. I feel I should clarify how I feel about Vaerun- obviously he hasn't had much air time yet, but, also, not nearly so much of his personality, or even who and what he is shows through in his writing, unlike the other three. I mean, he's like a priest I guess, but what does that mean for a race that worships floating windchimes? what has some of his other history been? and then, this probably really is just me, but I always picture draenei as that dumb hypermasculine, super-PUMPED body type (lawlz, and when they run they look like a fat man trying to get to the bathroom XD). is he built like that? and exactly what type of "innocence" does he have? is it the Sunchaser boy's boyish charm, or is it a much more altogether "wholesomeness"?
I dunno, I just can't really get a feel for him. if he's devout or not, his power level, etc. as yet, he really kind of pales in comparison to the other three (not that that's a bad thing, mind. I'm just saying, is all). yeah, just so you know. for future reference, in case you were curious
oh, and yes, I realized I totally forgot to mention that the Alliance accepting BIG BLUE DEMONS into their ranks should be a MAJOR REASON the blood elves left in the first place! haha, LOVE that you're playing Aero with what he'd actually assume! such mad props. mad, mad props.