foeofthelance

Uniforms not handed out by the school aren't uniforms, merely highly expensive, preselected fashion choices inflicted upon kids. As for the schools being more military like...well, that might not be such a bad thing. I'm not talking about standardizing paramilitary ops as a second year course (though gun control/use on the other hand...) but think about what the military is. A highly focused, dedicated and trained force which emphasizes cooperation, teamwork, and self confidence all at the same time. So remodeling school infrastructures to mimic some of the more successful training regimens used by the military doesn't sound so bad to me. Samurai, just curious, does the count for inflation? Or does today's cost equal the same amount paid in the 1940s?

My mother's a teacher, and has read my stories. If her kids (8th grade) found out, they'd be shocked. Then again, they try to come up and bad mouth her to me. ::Sigh:: We did we do away with corporal punishment? At least it would keep them quiet... As for talking about what's wrong with the system, probably easier to list whats right, then make assumptions based off of that. Everything is a factor from race, to economical situation, to languages, to lack of funding, to poor districting, to... yeah, you get the picture. So how to fix it? Well, start with uniforms, work your way past "seperate but equal" (Please, no flames!), reinstate some good ol' time traditions (willow might be hard to find. Oak or maple is probably less forgiving anyway...) and you just might be getting started down the right track.

Dark where did you get the avater by the way? Looks rather nice, from both sides of the equation.

This thread has inspired much laughter on my part really. A simple, "I'm back to writing finally!" turns into 2 pages of debating programs. Authors. Go figure.

I have MS Word again! I can finally write and self edit again! Yay!

Scared the living daylights out of the wee ones for a few hours. Our house was possibly the best dressed on the block, and my brother and I set everyone up for a good scare. He was rather well hidden next to the porch, but I was better hidden behind the house. So when they'd come back and see him waiting, I sneaked up behind and gave fright. Did have a few people who needed to have their heads examined (seriously, who encourages their five year old to attack a high school senior and a college sophmore who are both over six feet and armed with replica weapons?) but nothing too serious. Then went out and got about a three pounds of processed sugar. Sadly, the neighborhood was rather dark this year. Alas.

Well, when it did come down to the ground combat, the Imperials got their asses hadned to them in a hat by a star of mechs. In space, I'm willing to at least give them a fighting chance, because when it comes down to it, most of the weapons are pretty much for overkill purposes. Their shields are based off an idea in a Star Gate episode, where the shields being used compensated based on energy. Low energy got no response, high energy got deflected. Makes sense as well as a prevention measure for having a piece of space dust smashing a ship the long way while in hyperspace.

Alright, time for the good folks on the forum (though I use the term 'good" loosely) to lend me some advice. I am currently working on a crossover fic amongst my other projects. In this case, it Star Wars (no explanation need I hope) with Mechwarrior (Big giant robots of mass destruction). As expected, I've gotten a review criticizing the "errors" in the fic. Evidence A follows: So, here's the problem. How to respond to this? I know I could always use the "Its my story" excuse, but thats rather crass. Some of it, for example the frailness of the TIE fighters, is already included in the story. They're fast and fire more quickly, but they're also one shot KOs. They do score kills, but thats the advantage numbers and speed offers. The big problem I have is with the criticisms of the combats between the capitol ships. Some of it I want to ignore outright, such as the comments about the ion cannons and the dropships. To begin with, not a single dropship was fired upon. The combat in the first chapter was between two Star Destroyers, two Mechwarrior Battleships, and a Jumpship, which did order it's dropships to evac. There was combat between fighters as well, and several fighters did attack a Star Destroyer, but that was it. Then there is the questioning of the shields. The critic was quite right. Dropships don't have shields. They have armor. Thick, heavy, combat durable armor. Which while it can be slagged off, is also quite efficient against weapons. For a while at any rate. It would also provide them protection against the ion weapons. The armor isn't tied to any systems, save for possibly damage control sensors. Hitting solid metal with ionic weapons shouldn't harm the rest of the ship, especially since there are no systems connected to it. The Mechwarrior ships are built much like the warships of the 17th and 18th centuries. All their weapons are fired from external ports, but thee weapons are fixed inside the ship. The engines are exposed, but the battle was head on, so the engines were tucked behind the ships. The Star Destroyers do use shields, and do have exposed systems on their surfaces, so are slightly more vulnerable then the Mechwarrior ships. Finally, these are war ships. It would be rather silly if they didn't have built in redundants, back ups, and back up redundants. Ok, my side over. The real question is how do I present this? Should I post a FAQ chapter explaining my ideas? Ignore it entirely? Post it at the bottom of an A/N? I would reply by email, but unfortunately none was left.

the WB should have played this rather then the crap they did put on. Give Mokuba back his Uzi!

Hahaha could be worse. I was at lunch with my friends when one of them was being really stupid. So one of the others pointed behind him and said "Look! Shiny!" The other guy turned around and went "Oooh, shiny!" Sure enough, the school's bell tower, with its bright copper dome, was right behind him.

I think what makes it worse for me, is my first story ended up ebing some 60-70 chapters. I not only got to see myself get better from the beginning to end (I still won't reread chapters 1-15 or so) but I can see it die around chapter 58. Which is sad, and good at the same time. Means I can point at it an go, "See Foe, this is what you did right. This is what you did wrong. Do not repeat these mistakes again, or we will bash you in the head with a frying pan. And if you doubt us, remember: WE CONTROL THE ARMS!" Yes, it is sad my own mental problems threaten me.

Any chance of a link Pix?

So, we don't have to worry about the future, have less bad hair days then the women folk, cull the useless from the herd rather then preserving the useless, are goal oriented, and our biggest problem is sating the egos of people who consider themselves superios, which is easily accomplished with a few well placed words. Yup. Guys rock!

Probably got Modded there.

Crap, apparently it cut some of it off....damn posting limit. ;P

It was on the old boards, so now its time for the new boards to be graced once more by the various quotes. It's been up on another board, so there's tons of new stuff. And feel free to add some of your own! Even if it isn't game related. This started as a joke amongst one group, and soon spread. Every once in a while a player would say or do something stupid (both IC and OoC) and it was to good to let go. Below are merely some of the things said in games, by gamers, or about gamers. Prepare to be offended, we pull no punches. And feel free to add your own! The Things Gamers Say “I’m not evil, my morals just aren’t the same as society’s.” “Women should only come when they are making sandwiches.” “Where would we be without technology?”----“Happier?” “The more fun it is to eat, the more likely it is to kill you.” “Who needs drugs when you have anime and games?”----“Besides, I couldn’t afford drugs any way” “I’m going to cut out your heart with a Kender!” “Well, I went out trying to rape a steamroller. It's a man's death.” (Courtesy of Bash.org) “Oh, I poked too hard and killed myself!” “Did you just say with a shaved kitten involved?” “Is that an Elven saber in your pants or are you happy to see me?”---“No, it’s an Elven saber.” “The undead do not give foot massages!” “The evil guys go, ‘We shall conquer the world!” while the good guys go ‘Ooh Bunny!’---SQUISH” “From chaos comes order, and from order comes chaos.”----“Then where do refrigerators come from?”--- “General Electric.” “I don’t want an Osakian accent. They’re as bad as Texan accents.” “Mommy, Santa took a crap in my stocking!” “Everyone has a bullet with their name on it. It’s the ones marked ‘to whom it may concern’ that worry me.” “I believe it is perfectly acceptable to accept a bribe as long as you don’t act on it.” “It’s a can of towers.” “Wrap yourself in my fat.” “Dude, that’s how the black guy dies in every movie.” “Wait there were six guys and two girls and half the class was making out ?” “Well that’s an orgasm right there. I mean orgy!” “Stop making it outside your quarters.” “That’s the answer to life the universe and everything! How many houses must I loot? Forty-two!” “Going to war with France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” “I am Twinkie, the Eskimo trained poodle, destroyer of worlds.” “Turnips echo loudly.” “I’m a girl so either I get a large amount of experience or a really big weapon.” “The gnome wanders off to find a banana tree while you all talk to a monkey.” <SNIP> “You have life problems.” “I drink dirty.” “How do you roll a d8?”---”With a d8.” “You know what a dork is right?”---”I’m a dork!” “Our dork is a strawberry blow pop.” “I’ve heard of D&D. It’s kind of like Chutes and Ladders.” “I tease myself.” “She drank old man blood. Its stronger then herpes.” “Why diet when you can eat?” “Stop deep throating the eggnog.” “I fire angry ticks out of my nipples.” <SNIP> “Grant and Mike haven’t said anything because they’re chewing.” “I don’t have rabies I have syphilis!” “History is written by the victor…or the necromancer.” “You killed it beyond death!” The Game “The bartender is a Torrsaque.” ---“A what!?” “You are now gay. You gain a plus 10 to fashion sense checks.” “I sense motive.”---“You sense that the bartender really wants to kick you in the nuts.” “I shoot him point blank. With a ballista.” “Nine?”---“Nein!” “I bribe nature.” “So we just killed a whole bunch of bugs because they were black?” “Actually, I was really just trying to kill the dog.” “The barbarian gets raped by a dire squirrel with an enlarge spell.” <SNIP> “Man overboard!”---”I think you mean man under board.” “The otter saves your ass.” “I can’t big until tomorrow.” “You stroke your otter while the dwarf rides it.” “Hey man, pants up!” “You suddenly realize otter piss enhances your swim ability.” “Morning comes and I dodge!” “Of course you can wear doggy pants, but people will laugh at you in battle.” <SNIP> “Have him say that he’s a mute.” “The werewolf has a trampoline! Kill it!” “You take the board and thrust it up into his crotch.” “Mount the Manticore!” “You know you want the manticore in your lap!” “Let’s go sleep with the sheep!” “Better yet I’m going to ride the sheep!” “The rogue is pedophile.” “Is that a dwarf in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?” “I seek the power of the almighty twinkie!” "... And the halfling goes berserk. Everyone make fear checks." "-What do I see? - Um... A halfling, riding on a dog. The dog is flying." "Look, guys, it's obvious he isn't going to tell us anything, and we're wasting our time here, and our supplies are low, and it's been *so* long since we've had fresh meat...." “The nuke? The nuke! Of course, why didn’t I think of that!”---”But you don’t get a reflex save.” “I can hide the dwarf in my pants!” “Obscuring mist is only good if you want to beat it in public.” “Scooby Doo walks up to you…” “You can’t make the save against box text.” “I’m going to piss on him.” “Your hand is now down your pants.” “Congratulations, you are now Michael Jackson.”---“But I’m not black.”---“Neither is he.” “Take us to your dude.” “I try and activate the dragon.” “The dragon is so shocked, it misses.” “You just bitch slapped the dragon.” “The dragon is now attracted to the gnome.” “The dragon failed its straight check.” “Tell him you took a vow of silence.” “You don’t use diplomacy to seduce someone, you use bluff stupid.” “The dog and psion are know high on mushrooms.” “The psion now thinks he’s one of the dogs.” “He then falls over dead from a drug overdose.” “I cast light on my torch.” “I’m a Barbie wolf, in a Barbie rage…” “The kender crits…with a book. Oh, and it’s a plus one tome.” “The pen is mightier then the sword, and so is my book!” “Did you just tell Palin Majere that an amulet of an evil god was pimpin’?” On Gnomes “I tie the gnome to my leg!” “I shoot the gnome in the ass!” “I agree with the dwarf. For about two seconds. Then I run and hide!” “It’s hard to be afraid of the gnome when he doesn’t have a ballista.” “You got gnomed!” “The gnome pisses on you.” “Your gnome loses his mind.”---- “Nooooo the Eskimos did!” “Oh my god, the gnome just invented twinkies!” “The dwarf reaches in and tongues the leather.” “The gnome invents Viagra.” “Someone kick the gnome so we have a foghorn.” “There is no way the guards won’t believe you were drunk.” “I’m going to deforest the gnome.” “The gnome seduces the dragon.” “The dwarf is crowd surfing the bugs, and you’re using him as a surf board.” “Your gnome now looks like an ever quest gnome. Your head is now twice the size of your body.” “Why are you trying to get the dragon to deep throat you?” “The gnome is now stoned.” On Dwarves “Dumb Dwarf!” “Stupid Dwarf!” “We tie the thing to the dwarf’s leg.” “Why do we always tie things to the dwarf?” “Dwarves on the whole are very unslinky like.” “The dwarf is sitting on the ground, tied up, and singing in aquan about the dragon. Badly.” <SNIP> The Bartender “The bartender is a Torrsaque.” ----“A what!?” “The bartender is Neruul.” The Necromancer “The Necromancer gets stabbed in the back by an orc.” “The Necromancer gets stabbed in the back by a bandit.” “The Necromancer gets stabbed in the back by a manticore.” “The Necromancer gets shot in the back.” “The necromancer is criticled from behind On the Subject of Criticals: “You climb so well you walk back on the rope” “You climb down headfirst.” “The dwarf does a double back flip into the hole.” “I just Matrixed.” “Your shot splits it down the middle.” “You activate the air.” “Congratulations. The boat now looks like beef stroganoff.” “Its head boils off.” “You run up to the statue, hug it, yell red rover red rover, and it works.” “You sever his head by plunging your rapier into his neck.” On the Subject of Failure: “You smash into the side of the ship.” “While trying to accept the goblins surrender, you fall in the water.” “Your crossbow explodes into you.” “You make yourself look like an idiot and fall in.” “She sees a tree as she walks into it.” “You cut your hand.” “You bash your shin.” “You bash your shin again.” “You bash your shin for the third time in a row.” “The manticore chips a tooth.” “You are now convinced the boat is a powerful magical item.” “You stare into the sun.” “You poke yourself in the eye with the spyglass.” “You hear God. Your head implodes and your heart explodes.” “You hit yourself with the rock.” “The bad guy flies into the ground.” Things That Sound Odd, But Shouldn’t “Sounds Like my idea of a good time.” “I need someone to got out to the forest with me.” “Excuse me sir, how much for a sheep?” “No one will suspect you of anything, the ranger is all over you.” “Sleep with the stable.” “I’ve had worse things in me.” “I just want to explore the deep holes!” “I’ve put bigger things into tighter places.” “I’m marking my territory on the dwarf.” <SNIP> “I want a stiff drink.” “I’m holding a pole with a sack at one end and no armor.” “I’m going to search the manhole.” Stupid Names for Skeletons Bob (Human) Sir (Human) Stanley (Human) Delicious (Human) Hellman (Manticore) Stupid Names For Ninjas Bob the Ninja Skills That Should Exist Use Magic Animal (Turn On) Seduce Dragon Bitch Slap Craft (Ethnic Foods) Spells That Should Exist Summon Barry Manilow (Legendary Bard) Summon Indiana Jones (Legendary Rogue) Summon Chuck Norris (Legendary Monk) Summon Humphrey Bogart (Legendary Bogart) Summon John Wayne (Legendary Duke) Power Word Cuss Symbol Obscenity If Dungeon Parties Had 'Little Black Boxes,' the Most Common Final Recordings Would Be: “Why is something so small listed as a 5th level monster? “ “We'll cover more ground if we split up! “ “I don't detect any traps.” “They're not that impressive, are they?” “I'll get it! I just learned to cast FIREBALL!” “Godcall. Pffft. Like anything'll happen if I shout ‘Hey! Cthulu! Bite me!’” “I jump out of hiding and waste one with my crossbow. “ “I don't detect any evil.” “Hey, I'll bet that unholy artifact fragment fits together with this one. “ “Look! As long as I don't roll a fumble, I'll win!” “I'm not worried. I have a +2 sword!” “Whaddaya mean, trolls here aren't affected by daylight?” “I cast an illusion of a bridge, and tell no one to disbelieve it until we're safely across the gorge.” How to tell if your Dungeon Master has military experience: The orc hordes you encounter have noncoms and medics. Healing potions also restore tattoos. The Winged Horse won't fly until you do a full safety inspection. The dungeons are patrolled by MP's that keep asking 'Who started this fight?' If you don't state that your character is performing scheduled weapons and armor maintenance after each combat, they rust to powder in about a day. Elves give directions with terms like 'Fore' and 'Aft.' You learn to retreat from any monster with a Marine Corps tattoo. The curses attached to some treasures include KP Duty and Full Kit Inspection. You can't stop for a night without submitting a complete watchbill for the characters in camp. New players joining after the adventure starts show up with Transfer Orders. The kingdom has a number of trolls, minotaurs and giants caged in silos on the border. The threat of MAD (Monster Assured Destruction) seems to keep the peace. No matter what sort of area you adventure in, or what background culture dwells there, or what the dominant race of the surroundings is, every town, keep, village, city or fish camp you enter has at least one bar, two brothels, three pawn shops, a tattoo parlor and a barber shop. The Healing Cleric always makes you wait for two hours before trying to send you away with a pair of toadstools and forced fluids. After the goblins pass by, all the dungeons have a fresh coat of paint . A mysterious figure, the Gunny, appears every time you make a mistake. Don't make mistakes. Just don't. Saying 'we tie him up' always starts a 20 minute discussion of knots, with 4 skill rolls. Guard Dogs are not just hit points that bark...they're chain saws with fur. If captured by the monsters, your character always gets put to work digging latrines. Even if held by ethereal beings that don't use them. Magic Users have to account for every ounce of equipment or supplies they carry, in careful attention to the rules for burdens. Blooded warriors can put 'One Piano' on their character sheet and it's just assumed they can 'handle the load.' Every advancement to a new class level involves a trip to a tattoo parlor. Laws of Dungeon Delving No matter how bad your last level was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the lowest dungeon level, since you still have to climb back up to go home. Your best adventure will be followed almost immediately by your worst adventure ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you brag to about the former. Brand new magic weapons are monster-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more powerful the magic of the sword, the greater its attraction to monsters. Fumble rolls are mathematically as likely as Critical Hits. In play, fumbles are four times more likely. No matter how clearly stupid it may have been to attack a given monster, no matter how overmatched the hero was before the first blow was struck, all the surviving party members must solemnly chant "Bad luck on the dice roll, dude," or invoke the wrath of the universe. The greater the experience of the player, the more he overestimates the abilities of his newest character. The first level of every dungeon in the world has a secret desire to humiliate adventurers before they even see the lower levels. Waiting for the other guy to make his save and rescue you is the most painful torture known to man. The rate of consumption of consumables is directly proportional to the distance from any chance of stocking up again. Dice are alive. If they aren't, how do you explain the way they work against you? God-Calls annoy the Gamemaster. This is why they take such delight in presenting the called God as being annoyed by the summoning. NPCs are small, weak, lazy, lacking in initiative and dependent on your good will to survive...until you let them hold your magic sword, then they can out steal, outfight, and outrun you, your party, the city watch and most of the combined armies of the known world. All woods more than 3 miles from the city gate are demon-possessed. "Civilized areas" are points on the map, not circles or any other area-inclusive shape. The last three treasures or curses of a dungeon will automatically adjust your net worth to what it really should be. A severe fumble is a thing of awesome power and beauty. "Nice form" can usually be translated to "wasted motion." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker." The person or monster you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who shows up after you fumble your weapon over the side of the canyon. Dragons have no word for "friend." They don't understand the concept. The closest they can get is "an enemy who isn't dead yet." Intelligence is your ability to learn new things. Wisdom indicates your ability to not kill yourself with the new knowledge. Charisma is not exactly how a person looks, there are a number of factors that work together. Still, remember that no centerfold was ever described as having a "nice personality" in her top ten compliments. Strength is the ability to lift heavy things. Constitution is your ability to walk to a cleric despite the pain from horribly overestimating your strength. The day you have more than enough Holy Water to clear the undead from the Castle is the day you meet your first Agnostic Vampire. All vows made during combat shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day. When inside the stomach of a beast, it is possible to coup de grace and back stab the stomach of the beast in the same action. Gimli’s Law- No matter how big the creature, and no matter many creatures it takes with it, it still only counts as one kill. Important Delving Terms Amazon: Party member out to prove she's more of a man than any man, while dressing to prove she's also more woman than any woman, and acting like she's more of a woman than any man can handle. Ballad: Form of entertainment describing the events experienced by victorious heroes. Dirge: Form of entertainment describing the actual events experienced by heroes.(See also: Eulogy) Blood: Inexpensive marking device used to inform other delvers where traps are located. Copper Piece: Inexpensive marking device used to show late-coming delvers where treasures used to be located. Bone: That part of a delver likely to last long enough for the authorities to determine exactly which dungeon you died in (Sometimes a critical question for determining disposition of worldly goods). Campfire: Device used to attract monsters, above and below ground. Chiurgery: the art of preventing people from bleeding to death by attaching leeches to suck them dry. See also: Quack, Suicide, Lingering Death and Amputation. Danger Zone: Subtract X (the number of times you have exited from a dungeon) from Y (the number of times you have entered a dungeon). Any time Y-X does not equal zero, you are in a danger zone. Dirty Harry Speech: A phrase, riddle or essay composed by adventurers during slack time to commemorate a victory, underscore an irony, humiliate a foe, or otherwise enhance the drama of a combat round. Also, a signal to villains to attack immediately because the guy doing the talking really, really expects you to wait politely until he finishes. Dragon Hoard: Place for adventurers to store shiny personal effects while they work their way through the reincarnation cycle back to Hero again. Dungeon Party: Means of leveraging your afternoon up from a mere suicide to a suicide pact. Face Off: The reason players are hard to identify following an orc attack. Familiar: Really cool, slightly useful and very dangerous aspect of being a mage, in that you bind a good deal of your soul and hit points to a small animal that couldn't fight its way out of a Teletubby slumber party. Fault: Mechanism for determining the member of the party that will be most useful when a human (or near human) sacrifice is required. Fog: Weather elemental used to allow your fate to sneak up close and prevent preparation or escape. Funny: Gamemaster word used as a synonym for "deadly." "You hear a funny noise." "Something smells funny." "Something about the temple just seems funny to the cleric." Hero: The adventurer most willing to be the first to enter a dungeon (lair, den, nest, warren, burrow, labyrinth, ruin, marsh or any other term for the location of a collection of monsters). Wealth: Items of interest retrieved from the remains of the Hero. Hibernation: Method some monsters use to minimize the chance of being detected by a party and also maximize their grumpiness when the party stumbles over them. Magic Weapon: A device augmented by supernatural forces, designed to use adrenaline and confidence to cause suicide. Magic Wand: A 'Magic Weapon' for character classes that don't use swords. Holy Item: An object augmented by supernatural forces, usually involving the horrible death of a religious celebrity, used by a less famed follower of the same religion in the quaint hopes of preventing their own death. See also Magic Weapon. Mapping: Process by which a Gamemaster uses poor language skills to highlight a player's poor graphing skills (and vice versa). Usually resolved when all attempts at mapping are suspended during high speed transits. (See also: Retreat) Natural Weaponry: That part of a creature designed to poke holes in the adventurer's body parts. All animals have weaponry. Some carry it in their mouth (fangs), some carry it atop their heads (antlers, horns), and most have something painful on their feet (claws, hooves, steel-toed shoes). Classification is left to the naturologists, just be aware anything with a pulse will try to kill you. Negotiate: Means of delaying combat rounds for as long as it takes for the monster to figure out which of the party is the greatest threat. Ninjas: Disposable bad-guy combat round minions deployed for humor relief. Unless there's only one, then he's death on roller blades. Ocean: Place where pirates store armor and those who wear it during maritime combat. Optimism: An annoying characteristic of first-time characters. Not usually a problem after their replacements are rolled up. Oracle: Supernatural being with the amazing power to tell you exactly 76% of what you need to know to complete an adventure. No refunds. Plowshare: Shiny new metal tool the villager leans against while denying any idea of where your arms and armor may have got to. Rest: a state of non-exertion, without emotional pressure, blinding pain, closing pursuit or fear of betrayal from co-workers. See also: Death. Retirement: Long term rest See also: Dead and Buried. Retreat: Process by which delvers become aware of the fact that they no longer have access to the exit. Sacrifice: Means of drawing the attention of the Gods. Usually not your own Scouting Report: A specific genre of fiction produced by NPCs. Starlight: Naturally occurring phenomena used to determine that something big has ripped a hole in your tent. Tent: Packaging material for bear or tiger food. Supplies: Any consumable, and a reason to enter small villages while traveling towards adventures. Lynch Party: Reason to avoid small villages while traveling back from adventures. Tasty Meat Snacks: Body parts removed from delvers by means of traps, attacks, fumbles or other accidents and left to distract dungeon dwellers during retreat. Tentacle: Quick way to determine if a being or animal is from another dimesion and likely to munch your face off. Torch: Device used to explore dark spaces, ensure footing and search for clues, treasure and traps. Torchlight: Radiation from a torch used to lure monsters to the party. Darkness: Lack of radiation used to indicate the loss of a torch and (usually) the nearness of the monsters. Trail Blazing: Method of ensuring that all the villains in the forest or maze will be able to find you. Treasure Map: Device used by The Dark Lords to keep their dungeon dwelling monsters excercised and well-fed. Treasure: Ethereal concept used to entice otherwise rational citizens into investing time and money in committing suicide. Vulture: Naturally occurring phenomena used to find party members separated from the group. Impatient Vulture: Last thing seen by lost party members. Shark Fins: Vulture substitutes used during maritime adventures. Impatient Shark: Same as impatient vulture War Cry: Mechanism to make sure total surprise is never achieve in war, attack, ambush or assassination. Reasons to remember that ASL is NOT the same game as AD&D - You can bet that Torrsaque has more than 4 movement factors. - actually more than 6 also. - your 32 FP flamethrower will not even dent the confidence of a red dragon. - no matter how many times you CX, you can't outrun an Elven Ranger. - even your 10-3 leader will likely break and run if faced with a 21st level fireball. If this leader is Erwin Rommel in person, the Axis are in real trouble. - your death star kill stack will definitely be outgunned by the small, dark, female elf with the white hair and the necromantic robe - even if she pretends to be a Peasant Girl - c'mere Boys... BOOM - If wishing to sic your Tiger on the dragon over there, kindly pause to consider that its frontal armor factor is around 75. Even from the rear, you'll not get less than a 60. - and as for your Stuka, and aerial armor factors - forget it. The dragon just took off, and he can maneuver better than any DB. - KAPOWWW! There goes that Tiger... - I love the smell of roast panzergrenadier in the morning Here is a list I collected years ago in my very first campaign I ever played. It took place in real time in a chatroom on mIRC. Most of these sound 'really' bad out of context... (AO is the DM, btw. The rest are the players) -=-=-=- <Llyrani> ooc and he isnt Ralph...the fraggin bird in Shaara's backyard is Ralph! <Sharra> ooc Is the house still on fire? <AO> ooc make that a purple yellow and green diaper <Llyrani> ooc I killed the baaastard <Faaza> ooc oh no, the suckling pig is still red inside! Oh, wait, go get Tinuvael, he'll know what to do! * AO puts the bling back in IngblayIngblay <Phulish1> If she would quit eating walls it would help. <Fidelia> ooc: ANGIE! I am so sorry! I clicked on ban instead of op! I am sorry! <`Hobo> Any toe cheese Andrew? <AO> There is nothing wrong with nakedness. In fact, my apartment is an independent municipal entity. Its called Naked Land. <Sharra> ooc The maiden, Linu, is a weird thing from the Nine Hells. <AO> ooc maiden? THAT is an assumption <`Hobo> I listen to the voices in my head and answer them <Sylva> Although if it's a thief, as soon as he comes up here and sees me in my underwear, I'm sure he'll run away again! <AO> The beast gobbles down the schwag <Fidelia> Musical gas, that's me! <Sylva> I've discovered a foolproof method of increasing breast size myself... * Sharra tirs to move Linu back away from the guards <Sharra> ooc trys <Sharra> ooc tries <Faaza> ooc very good <Sharra> ooc oh nevermind <Sharra> But, if they are cornered and shone they did something wrong, they, I believe, will do what needs to be done to make it right. <Sharra> ooc or showed? <Faaza> ooc shown <Sharra> ooc ok shown <Sharra> thanks <Faaza> know problum <AO> ooc malus has left his mark with all the smirking going on <Sharra> ooc its not dandruff, it's bread crumbs! <AO> Recrap last game <Sylva> ooc Well, I've decided to get dressed since the pizza guy will be here any time now. <AO> And you waggled the poor old man's self, you should be shamed you pervert <AO> Through the course of the measurement, Tinuvael bumps Faaza's crotch several times, each time apologizing with less and less protest. <Faaza> ooc *looks at Steve oddly* <AO> ooc Whats odd is that Tinuvael didn't bat an eye. "The orc, after saying his goodbyes, walks away in the direction he came from, for no apparent reason." --- DM: "You see a room with a vat of black goo." Megara (Half-Drow Bard): "C'mon, MURK, you know you want to dive into the goo. It makes you stronger." MURK (Orc Fighter, 4 int): "Black goo make MURK stronger!" *Dive, starts drowning* --- "So, MURK just killed 3 orcs singlehandedly in a single round. At 1st lvl. With a half-cooked limb of halfling lodged in his axe." --- "I turn undead! How long do I stay undead for?" --- MURK: "I shall hide now." *1* "I'm standing in a corn field, in plain sight, with my hands over my eyes, saying to myself 'If MURK can't see them, they can't see MURK!'" DM: "The tarrasque ignores you." MURK: "... Okay, I charge." --- Cleric of Kord: "Hey guys. How's i-- Sweet mother of Kord!" --- "So... It's a Chicken Merchant Merchant Murderer Murdering Merchants with chickens?" --- "Well maybe, if you weren't so fat, you wouldn't have fallen into that pit trap like I managed not to." *Gets backhanded* --- "I'll take care of this hill giant, you 4 get rid of the other one!" (Last Words) --- DM: "So now Aust is dead. What's going to happen?" Kheldar: "We'll put him in my cart. I'll just mark on my inventory... 'One Dead Aust.' There." --- Guard: "We've got to perform a routine check of your cart, to make sure that there's nothing you're smuggling in here." Kheldar: "Well, I sure won't stop you. **Oh no! What if they find the dead Aust in the back?**" Guard: "Okay, you're all clear." Amy (Ranger): "But what about the dead el--" Kheldar: "**Quiet, you!**" Guard: "What was that?" Kheldar: "Oh, nothing. My friend here is quite... insane, sir. She randomly blurts out random stuff." Guard: "I see. Carry on, then." --- Senthos (Psyker): "So, how much for the ship?" Guy: "10,000 credits." Senthos: "I see." *Looks in wallet* "Hey, any of you got 10 grand here?" Tom (Space Marine): "...No, but I have an IMPERIAL CREDIT CARD!" Senthos: "... Dude, that's a local Eftpos card. We aren't even on the right planet for that card." Aphikiel (Sister of Battle, turned Psyker): "I shall make my hands catch fire. Then I will grab the guy. Then I will burn him." Senthos: "Oh dear. Terribly sorry about all this!" --- "So... this metal beam here is all that is keeping this building from collapsing? I shall see if I can remove the beam and replace it before the building collapses." --- "I am going to melt the platinum altar down, and put it into my bag to sell later." --- "I drink the bottle labeled 'poison' on the off-chance that it's the extra-healing potion!" "But my character was TRYING to go out in a blaze of glory!" Player, to an NPC: "You know too much - and you know it!" ---- DM: "You open the coffin... the stench is DEAFENING!" ---- Player (threatening an NPC): "I'm going to be watching your ass... and I know you'll be watching mine!" ---- NPC High Priest: "Before you embark on this perilous adventure, I shall give all of you my God's blessing!" Player (unable to stop herself): "Do you really have enough Blessings...?" NPC High Priest: "..." My group has a few running jokes. --- DM: A mostrous tentacled creature attacks the side of your boat; it has three eyes and fishlike body. Party: Okay, so it's an aboleth. Me: What's an aboleth doing on way the hell out here? Party: I guess they're pretty common. Me: So an aboleth walks into a bar... --- *party captures a hobgoblin* Wizard: Tie him up! Dwarf: Nah, my rhino can just sit on him. Wizard: Sit on him!? You'll crush him! Dwarf: Betty can be gentle... --- Fighter with a Fullblade: Big swords are NOT compensation. --- "No more amputations" (Don't ask about this one) --- Me: A female with +30 to diplomacy means never having to say you're sorry. --- Dwarf: Okay, the fighter's a little too drunk, and there's no more room in the inn. My rhino takes him out to the stable and sits on him 'till he sobers up. DM: During the night, you two *gestures to the wizard and ranger* have some company. You wake up feeling a little winded. *gestures to the fighter* You wake up with a sore bum. This one needs a little backstory: I, Dorbin, am the party barbarian. I collect the heads of those I kill to fasten onto my armor. It's my characters thing. So we managed to kill a named kobold, and I took his head mostly because I had sworn to him that I would if he crossed us again... The DM had forgotten about this. The kobolds had become the force of this dungeon as we had killed the Orc champion early on. <hideous> is Hideous Dinn, gnomish bard. *party comes up to a door in the dungeon. Behind the door is what is left of the orcs. They are all wounded* <hideous> *knocks* Excuse me, can we pass through? <DM> [orc]What? No! <hideous> Oh come on, isn't there anything we can do that will allow us safe passage? <Orc> *thinks* [orc] *laughing* Ok, you bring us the head of the leader of the kobold army. Then we let you pass. <hideous> *turns to party* Umm, didn't Dorbin kill him and take his head? <party> Yes. <hideous> *turns to orcs* Ok, give us 5 minutes. We'll go kill him and bring the head to you. <DM> [orc] *quizzical expression on the orcs face* Umm, ok... *Party waits 5 minutes while Hideous gets the head from Dorbin* <hideous> *knocks again* Ok, here's the head. Let us through now. <DM> The orcs are thoroughly scared of you now and let you pass. They cower in the corner. Just a wee something we came up with when discussing prestige classes, Josh; "A dwarven defender can stop anything in defensive stance!" Seth; "Silver dragon charges at them?" Me; "Easy. defensive stance! The dragon boucnes off." Sam; "Horde of charging silver dragons?" Me; "Too easy. defensive stance." Josh; "Okay then...how about..." Seth; "Bahamut?" Sam; "Isn't he the god of dragons?" Me; "Guess we'll need two dwarves then." Barbarian: "I grab a nearby blunt object and throw it at the skeletons" DM: "You're in a field, their aren't blunt objects laying around." Barbarian: "Theirs a cleric next to me. Do thrown clerics do extra damage to undead?" Cleric: "Damn it, the average kindegarden class has more intelligence than we do." Barbarian "But not as much firepower" three sessions into a game where the DM always threw the most challenging thing for our level at us. DM: "Up ahead on the road you can see three men standing there waiting for you." Fighter: "Don't be fooled, their bears." Samurai who's intelligent armor just walked away with him. "You'd be in so much trouble now if I were in control of my body." City Guard feeling out numbered. "BACKUP" Samurai: "Does he back up?" Everyone else: "Not that kind of Backup!" "Do you have control, because I don't think I"m ever going to get it." DM: "Roll a will save against your own death effect." *wonders of spell turning Navel combat DM: "Make an attack with your dingy." "Wow we have a 50/50 gender ratio" "Quick, shut the door!" Sorc: Scorcing Ray! DM: do you take the - 4 to hit so that you don't hit Og (the Barbarian, already into melee)? Sorc: ummm, hell no. *Rolls* Sorc: woops DM: (laughs) You incinterate Og in a flash of red light. And get (checks table) #### XP for incinerating one Barbarian. My CE halfing: Excellent, there may be hope for you yet young one... This made the 2nd Party member *killed*, the first was assassinated by my Halfing. The other party memebers in this campaign that had been lost were due to other reasons such as... "Where's the bard?" "We are letting her sleep it off, you know, all that beer from the last town..." "But we haven't been in town in 3 days!" Lupus: What's the name of this boat anyway? Captain: Um, the Sea Saint, sir. Lupus: Are you kidding me!? That sucks! We need a bitchin name that'll strike fear in our enemies! Something that says "We f*** up undead" Me: Dave, that's what we call 'necrophelia' Dave: PERFECT! I try and paint "The Necrophelia" on the side of the boat! Balthas: Hey, remember that Scroll of Enlargement I found? Me: Yeaaaaa... Balthas: Can I use it on objects too? Me: Yea, I guess Balthas: Sweet! I use it on my cannon and fire on Lupus' boat Me: Do you even know what an illithid IS? Lupus: I know what BACKSTAB means, and that's all I need to know Lupus and Ecko are forced to head down a path together, finding two sets of shoes before a long path of lava. They realize they'll need to wear them to cross Lupus: Okay, we obviously have to wear these. I take the green ones Ecko: I get the leather ones Me: Okay, Lupus, you start tap-dancing uncontrollably. Lupus: Um... I meant to do this. I start tapdancing towards the lava. See, I call this move the 'California Hotfoot' Sage: What you have here, son, is a Sword of Wishing Lupus: I laugh maniacally and start drooling The group faces an illusion of Satan, which Ecko attacks heartily. Balthas suspects it to be a fake (seeing as it is guarding a random trap door) Balthas: I'll sit back and watch Ecko kill Satan Me: That had BETTER be the last time i hear that in this game! Lupus, looking me dead in the eye and speaking a loud, clear voice: I WISH ECKO WAS DEAD! Lupus spends his three wishes thusly; wishes he can never die, wishes Ecko would die. After a frustrating series of rolls, he unwittingly snaps "I wish I was dead!" Me: Lupus, you drop dead on the spot. Lupus: WHAT?! I wished I could never die! Me: Yea, but this wish trumps... um... wait... unless you... okay, Death himself shows up for negotiations Urith: I make a Phantasmal Force of a huge wolf and send it to attack them. Me: Your TEAMMATES? Urith: They have to learn to stop waking me up this late at night Balthas: I hurl the halfling at Lupus! Lupus: I try to dodge! *rolls Me: HA! Lupus, you parry the halfling. I don't mean you stop him in midair, I mean you backhand the guy, sending him flying straight back at Balthas like a volleyball Balthas (after getting hit by a "stink bomb" trap): Okay, whoever made this dungeon is no trap master. We obviously are dealing with a necromancer of 'Home Alone' quality, at best Balthas: I shove my decapitated junk at the priest and scream "HELP MEEEEEE!" Ecko: I got a one on my constitution check. I'm poisoned, right? Me: Hell, Marcus, you have cancer When Andy leaves the team, they replace him with a dark elf priestess of the god of suffering. Accompanied by her and Cutthroat Bill, they wander into an enchanted woods and find a pool occupied by nymphs. Me: The nymphs peek out of the water, see Bill, then duck back down into the water in a hurry. Balthas: Son of a... okay, Bill, hide in the woods, okay? *Bill grumbles and walks off. The process is repeated, only this time with the priestess. She leaves into the woods too After asking for directions from the creatures (and Lupus getting briefly brainwashed by a Charm spell), they go back into the woods to find their NPCs. They find both characters covered in blood, the priestess barely standing while Bill is thoroughly gutted. Ecko: Oh, god, Bill tried to rape her... (A very logical thought) Me (oog): No, Marcus, she tried to rape Bill. The 90 pound dark elf tried to rape the ogre! [enter my giant, half-pirate/half-irish ogre voice] NOT LIKE THIIIIS! I'm saving myself!! Balthas first springs Bill from jail, the two of them fleeing town. I am trying to insist just how dangerous and evil Bill is, as a convicted rapist/killer. Me: You two run through town, the other escaped prisoners causing too much chaos for there to be much resistance. The group is on trial, even though none of them did anything genuinely wrong besides Lupus (who is already fleeing town and leaving them behind). The local fortune teller claims he knows the real culprit and shows a magical image of Lupus Urith: Now, just a minute! That man is a saint! The only thing he's ever stolen in his entire life..... is my heart! Me: You hit the orc annnnnnd... *roll Me: Oof... wow... he um... he goes down and never gets up again. Balthas: I confess, I did it all. The robbery, the killings, the stuff that I would have to be in two places at once to do, all of it. Me: The battle's over then. Ecko's doing alright, but Lupus... well, you're standing in the center of the room, surrounded by goblin corpses, a mind-flayer impaled on your spear from a backstab, covered in your own and your enemies' blood, roaring apparently. This is like the perfect image to identify Lupus. Lupus: Actually, no, because I'm not threatening my loved ones or allies... so i start shoving my spear in Ecko's face with the mindflayer still on it. Illusion of Male Mage: I really do think we ought to practice more, dear Illusion of Female Mage: Yes, but we don't exist, dear Andy is driven mad by the stare of an Umber Hulk, making him attack Ecko and gnaw on his ankle. Balthas manages to use his bardic spells to fix him. Andy (lying on his back quietly): ...what happened and why do I taste half-elf? Me: You see Bill outside in the fort's main grounds. He has a pile of bodies on one side of him, and a pile of stolen rations on his other side. He's eating from both indiscriminately Balthas throws a card from his Deck of Illusions near a huge cauldrun in the goblin kitchen as the others fight off a small troop. I put a spin on what they summon. Me: Out of the pot appears a 9 foot, ugly green creature. It's a troll, wearing a swim cap and a speedo and looking very wet and angry Hail fellow travelers of the Deep!" Or more accurately "Hail fellow trav--*takes 1d6 from an arrow* OW!" or "Hail fellow travelers of the D--*takes 1d6 from a bolt* ARG!" He managed to finish that sentence about 1/10th of the time. -- "Don't worry, I swept this place for traps yesterday." -- 6 INT half-orc- You have pies? Pies for lunch? Waitress- Errm we have shepards pie. Half-orc- I don't eat shepards. "If a moron dies alone in the woods, does anyone hear his cry?" "Hope is the first step on the road to getting your ass kicked." "Me fighter you wizard" "Whaddaya mean I gotta be level 15 to cast that?? Oops that was supposed to be in OOC." The DM: "Ok, one of the ghasts pees his pants" Cleric: "Wait, can they do that?" Me: "Yeah, do undead have metabolism?" DM: "Well, it looks like it's giving it its best." A bit later, a large skeleton appears, and it doesn't get turned. The fighter, ranger and worf are trying to get it down while the rogue goes all-out on a cleric that appears out of the dark part of the hall. The wolf does its trip - AoE when going up - trip routine, and for 2 rounds it works as we cheer it up. Me "Go, boy! Get those bones!" Cleric "And bury them!" Me: "You could pee on them for good measure, too!" Rogue: "Can't be too sure, huh?" Wolfie gets another attack in. Me: "Okay, just - what was it - some 240 more!" to the group "I'm not counting the small ones in the ear, ok?" Rogue: "You think we could teach it to bury skeletons as a bonus trick?" Fine. But I call dibs on the Half-Plate." - My Paladin, after a large number of opposed diplomacy checks, agreeing that looting a battlefield for useful equipment was okay. "So I can impersonate her later?" - My friend's Sorceress, explaining just why she wanted to take the signet ring off a dead Cannith secretary. "I throw a rock at it." - Myself, rather tired, attempting to determine what was under a pile of garbage at the bottom of a pit. "Ah! Tentacle rape!" - It turns out it was an Otyugh. Wizard: well now what do we do? Sorceror: Let's make him eat a bag of holding and see what happens.... wizard:...... Sorcerer: Something i always wondered about. wizard: that's attrocious sorcerer: how bout your portable hole then? Wizard: meh, sure why not I'll cut your heart out with a kender!" "Bleach the hippies!" “The kender crits…with a book. Oh, and it’s a plus one tome.” “The pen is mightier then the sword, and so is my book!” “Did you just tell Palin Majere that an amulet of an evil god was pimpin’?” “Random pieces of belly button are not evil. It may disturb some people, but its not evil.” “Give cake to the pink hair!” “Ah they smashed Big Ben!”----”Guess they’ll just have to make it digital now.” “There is no such thing as a random chicken. Every chicken has its place.” "Great, the necromancer just started the career's of every 1st level NPC in Waterdeep!" The result of my level five necromancer unleashing skeletal rabbits upon Waterdeep in response to finding a missing vampire lord. Every once in a while on got squished, so it was decided they were killed off by level 1 adventurers as a first quest. <Nail (Me)>: Hey don't attack! <Kobolds> Why not? It is our job to keep prisoners from escaping! <Nail>: Well I'm a powerful sorceror, related distantly to... uh... a great dragon! So you should bow down and worship! (Passed a knowledge check about kobolds but failed a bluff check to get them to help me) <Kobolds> Bull****! You don't look like a dragon! And you can't do magic while inside the prison! So why should we help you? <Nail> Uh... I'll give you a cookie! (No diplomacy, but rolled a natural 20 on a charisma check and that was the best I could think of for a response.) <Lead Kobold> ...coooookie? <Other Kobolds> COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE! Dwarf: "Ok boys, looks like we're done here." Elf: "I violate the bodies." Everyone: Me (ooc): *falls over laughing* Elf: "I've meant descrate! Desecrate!" Me: *Kyris pokes the sandwich, finding the wholesome and fresh food out of place in the corrupted house* DM: *Suddenly, the olive blinks and it leaps forward, snapping its crust down on Kyris' finger. (1 damage dealt) Me: *Kyris screams and raises his hand high and then smashes it down with all his force on the counter. DM: *The sandwich creature instantly disintagrates into black goo. (And you hit it so hard all its children died too.) Me: (Whoo!) "I'm Roj, the paladin!" "I'm Therel, the mage." "I'm Keruy, the barbarian." "I'm Knell, the thief." "...i'm batman." "Can I use my Rope Use to 'Tarzan' across the hall on the rope?" "No." "Then I caste invisibility, then haste, then I let go of the rope." A player in a far previous game (possibly more than ten years ago) was fighting some kind of giant robot. It had a nuclear reactor that was about to meltdown. The player was almost out of spells and attacks. "I... I... uh... I cast... sh*t, I cast planeshift!" *DM opens "Deities and Demigods", flips to a random page* "The robot disappears from view with a loud crack." "Yes! I saved the world!" "In a distant plane of existence, the robot reappears in midair. And lands in the lap of Zeus." "Hell." "And you kill a pantheon of gods in a single blow." "... Yes! Bring on da XP!" It was 1st ed. What can we say? "My mage starts bustin rhymes." The thief finds a wish coin while searching with the paladin. "Alright! About damn time, too! I wish for one thousand-"*paladin smacks him and takes the coin* "dammit!" "I notice... while playing, we take on aspects of our characters." "Hey, you're right. Like Eric becomes highly immoral." "Brian gets stupider (if possible)." "Roland's nose gets bigger." DM: The battle is over. The Orc leader is slumped on the ground, his intestines laying around him like a squid. The legion has been decimated. You are now free to loot about Greyhawk. Me: I look for anything that looks interesting. DM: There's a book and the ground and... *rolls, looks up a random manual* a scroll, and a scimitar, and a battleaxe. Me: I pick up the book (obviously). DM: And then what? Me: I open it. DM: The book explodes open, revealing a six foot tall illusion of a black robed figure, lined with red and slightly transparent (This is the BBEG). He has three gleaming metal fingers on each hand, and he gestures wildly with them as he shouts in some harsh, alien language. This continues for three minutes before the image disappears and the book slams shut. ((This is, of course, the plot hook for what comes next. We will now have to take it to someone who can translate it for us so we can learn what it says.)) Me: Whew. Seems important. OK, I open the scroll. DM: It's a scroll of... *rolls, random manual, rolls again, opens to certain page, rolls again* Tongues. Oh f**k me running. "Oh my god the midgets are invading!" "Dude, shut up, they already won." "...I slept in this morning didn't I?" TheOOB's Wizards + Fire = Hilarity "If they find us I'll just set the place on fire" "Umm guys, I think my backpack is on fire" "Wait, isn't that the town we torched two months ago?" "It just occured to me that rigging a trap involving two dozen vials of alchemists fire inside of a wooden building we're in might be a bad idea" "Think we can still get the reward money when his head is burned like that?" "For future reference, dropping a tindertwig down a smelly hole to see whats at the bottom is a bad idea" "I had hoped I'd never have to smell myself burning" "For future reference, casting a fire ball in an alchemists lab is a bad idea" "I'm going to find the person who said to fight fire with fire and immolate him" "I'm sorry, it seems he was hit with a scorching ray...26 times" "For future reference, casting fireball in a wine celler is a bad idea" "Wait, didn't you say there was oil down there...no reason, but I think I'm going to go over there...now" "One the down side, the village was burned down, on the up side, you now have several hundread acres of very fertile farmland." "I don't care, I'll make it burn" "Yes it's a shame they where on the drawbridge when it burned down, at least the water in the moat will cool them down...what? man-eating crocodiles, well crap" "On the down side, there where no survivors, on the up side I cleared all the webs from the cave" "For future reference, opening a gate to the elemental plane of fire in the town square is a bad idea" Burrie: If you have time, I can run you through it. As mentioned, it's terribly easy. Jarl: Never used it in my life Burie: Okay. Right-o. Boot up the toolset. Jarl: loading Burrie: Create new module, feel free to do overall next->next->next. It'll ask you to create one area. It doesn't matter what sorta tileset you choose, just roll with it. Overall, head through the new module wizard until you're finished. Jarl: Okay, a place has been made. Burrie: Right, the wizard's over? Jarl: And now I am looking at some red grids. Yep. Burie: Excellent. Jarl: I appear to be in a city. It is dark. I am likely to be eaten by a grue. Burrie: Right, you're gonna get bonus XP points for that comment alone. A Recent 2nd Ed game. Players: Female Elf Mage (left) with a Scythe Female Elf Cleric with a Flail Male Half Elf Ranger with Dual Scimitars Male Human Bard with a Whip (+4 damage) Male Halfling Thief (later) with a dagger (In the game where the above mentioned leaving of the mage occured...) DM: Okay, the next morning... I guess you guys just leave her there. Bard: Doesn't seem very polite. Ranger: The adventuring life was just too much for her. Cleric: You mean we'll never get to see her again? DM: Not unless you go back to that Inn. Bard: Wait... what if... she's coming back, right? Ranger: She still wants to play, she just had to go. Bard: Well, rather than have her suddenly re-appear properly leveled with no explanation when she gets here... Maybe... she's in every Inn? Cleric: Huh? DM: ... I think I get it... every inn you guys who up at, she's at? Bard: In the same room in every one. DM: Like a weapons chest. Same game, different Inn, the DM was too tired to roleplay the room ordering service, or whatever. DM: Okay, you just all sleep in the same room. Ranger: Would we have to each pay individually otherwise? DM: ... yeah, whatever. Bard: You know what that means. There's only one bed in each room. Cleric: Threesome! Ranger: Whoo hoo! Okay, this next one's weird. Please note, this behavior entirely fits the cleric and her player. This is when we first meet the Thief, played by the DM's little brother. DM: You emerge from the tunnel battered and scarred, terrified and bleeding, and encounter a small dark figure. Thief: Is that me? DM: Yes, that's you. Now, what do you all do? Cleric: I seduce him. Bard: I attack the kobold in the lead. *rolls a nat 20* OH HELL YES MUTHAwombatA. DM: Okay... uh... your attack misses. Bard: Pardon? DM: The whip instead unfurls right past his head and strikes the kobold that the ranger is fighting right in the neck. The blades tear into his flesh and yank his head right off his shoulders. It then smacks the kobold you were aiming for in the head for *rolls* 2 damage. Bard: I love my whip. DM: I will destroy it, first chance I get. This is when the whip (1d2 regular damage, none of thus subdual wussiness) became more than just a kinky roleplaying oppurtunity but a true weapon of fear... Bard: Alright, I want to upgrade my weapon. DM: Uh... you can pay 10 gold to have a blade put on the whip. The blade does 1 additional damage. Bard: How many can fit on the whip. DM: Uh.... four. Bard: I have four blades put on my whip. DM: Alright... okay. Your weapon does 1d2+4 damage. Cleric: Wait, what? Bard: Heh. That's 5 or 6 damage. Ranger: My scimitars do 1d6. Cleric: My flail only does 1d4 right now. Bard: I have the deadliest weapon in the game. DM: I'm going to regret this. During character creation... Cleric: Okay, my character's 250 years old. Mage: Mine'll be... 400. Ranger: 60. Bard: 21. Holy sh*t I'm young. DM: Not quite. The elves have the wonky aging, so they're only, like, a few years older than you comparitively. Ranger: I'm still most mature, right? DM: Yeah, I think so. You're, like, in your late tenties, early thirties. Bard: Still, youngest in the group. That sucks. DM: Well, humans only lived to be about 35 back then, so... Bard: No they didn't. DM: Yeah they did. Bard: No, that misconception is caused by the abnormally low average lifespan. People still lived to be, like, 65 and stuff, but there was a high infant mortality rate. If a family had, like, 9 kids, only four would live. DM: I... guess that makes sense. Bard: And there's the other thing. DM: Other thing? Bard: You said "Back then". You know when this game takes place? NEVER. DM: Shut up. Bard: I expect to be allowed an electric guitar, based on that. DM: No electricity. It wasn't around back then. -We had lots of fun with the "back then" stuff DM: One of the giant ants is Climbing on Decius's Horse! Kroe: I shoot it off! (Rolls 1) DM: You shoot the horse instead. Kroe: Damnit! DM: It explodes. Kroe: DAMNIT. And now the day I had blessed dice! Me: I attach a rock to the rope, and throw it accross the gorge. (Rolls 20) DM: The rope disappears from your hands and reappears accross the gorge, perfectly fastened on either end. You glide accross it on one foot. (We had taken a few sacks of ancient coins and were about to sell them in town, my halfling bard was holding them) Manucles: Ok Fipp, lets find a place to sell these coins. Fipp: Uh, what coins? Manucles: The ones in the big sacks, the ones you have in each hand. Fipp: These are sandwitches.... (Bluff roll: 20) Manucles: Oh, alright, but why are they jingling when you move? Fipp: Errrrr... they are magical jingly sandwitches. Manucles: (Knowledge:Arcane Roll: 2) Yeah... Ive heard of those. Fipp: I sneak off to find a coin seller (gather information: 17) DM: Hmmm, I will buy these from you for 150% of their modern value. Fipp: I Shoot Diplomacy Rays at him for 250% (Roll 20: Total 29) DM: I hate you Fipp. DM: So you fall half-naked out of the window and land in the middle of a ring of town guards, all of whom have heavy crossbows aimed at you Me: Is Prestidigitation still active? DM: Sure, why not Me: I make lightning bolts crackle between my fingers and shout "Fear my arcane power!" DM: I'll need an intimidate check Me: *rolls dice* ummmm... DM: How bad is it? Me: A natural 1...maybe I still beat them with modifiers DM: ...no...you have an 8 cha, your horribly outnumbered, they are well trained, and your a freakin half naked hobbit who just fell through a window. Thats like a -10 total penalty Me: But prestidigitation DM: Okay, -9 Me: So what happens? DM: One of them whacks you on the side of the head with the butt of his crossbow and knocks you unconsious PC 1- "oh man, I never get the girl." PC 2- "that is because you have a Charisma of 6." PC 3- "yeah, do what I do and stop at the brothel." PC 1- "I don't have any money." DM- &nsbp; &nsbp;"Hey, it's a free action to touch yourself." - - - - - - - - Cleric of Pelor- "I turn undead." DM- &nsbp; &nsbp;"I don't think your god would like that." - - - - - - - - - NPC- "Who are you?" PC1 - "We are. . . . recruits." NPC- "Recruits of what?" PC2 - "Of kicking your a*s!" (flurry of misses) - - - - - - - - - Gnome is stuck to blungeoned corpse of mimic- PC 1- "Lets head back to the other room." DM- "Is anyone going to jerk the gnome off?" PC 2- "NEVER!" "I break out the throwing gnomes." Rogue: I hack into his spellbook. DM: This is DnD. You can't hack stuff. Rogue: I use a handaxe "Well...we already set everything else on fire." "So, I've been able to cast spells this whole time and nobody told me?" -My first character, a druid. Nobody had bothered to read the part on druids any further than the chart so nobody knew I could cast spells...I learned I could at level 5. "That's it, what has Boccob done for me? I denounce the whole religion." -Ivellios, the party wizard from the same game as the previous quote. "Words of advice man, if when you try to touch her she runs and hides in fear or cowers in the corner so she doesn't have to look at you...it's not a good sign." -My liza

Pity me, for I am a white middle class conservative catholic male of slightly above average intelligence. I am the most feared, hated, and despised creature in the known universe. I could list the many ways in which I'm despised, but alas, have not the year it would take. Honestly? Guys are probably the most abused. Partly because guys are more likely to put women on a pedestal then the women are to put men on a pedastal. Guys think in a more broader sense, where as woman make more individual comparisons. Thus guys will take the actions of a single woman and apply it to the whole, while woman seem to keep individual score sheets. Notes I've made- -Guys tip better. It doesn't matter who the server is, though a woman will get a better tip then a guy. This may be because guys have a deeper work ethic engrained into them, while women have become used to the idea of a guy serving them. This is a generalization and is not true in all cases. -Even if they say otherwise, women expect guys to be chivalrous, where as there is no reverse tradition for woman to coddle men. Even confessed feminists have admitted to me they see a guy holding the door, picking up the check, etc. as their right, not their privilege, and become offended if treated otherwise. -Women are generally more critical then guys. When two guys meet, they either feel the urge to beat the crap out of each other or they get along. And this continues barring some massive infraction against one or the other. Women will pick up and any percieved slight, real or non existant, and devour the thought of it, breaking it down a hundred different ways. I've watched this happen. How to change this? Well, I don't know. I disagree with Samurai about who's to blame. Yes there are OWAM, and they do enjoy a lot of power. But that's because a lot of the people who also want the power are generally unwilling to work for it. There is no such thing as a free lunch, yet a lot of the minorities( though I don't like the term.) look for a quick fix instead of a permanent one. Half tempted to rant, but I'll end it there.

Any yaoi couple. ::Throws up firewall and runs for the hills, praying he gets five seconds headstart.::

Possibly. I tend to post my own original fics there, and even though I haven't written in any of those categories, I watch as my own works get drowned out. There are several stories with hetero non related non pedophiliac plots, but they tend to get drowned out by the rest. The worst is when a single author will multipost individual chapters of a story, or even many different stories, all at the same time, sending everyone's latest work off to page two or three. I've seen it happen at least twice a month. I can understand if people have limited access to the internet, but for the sake of their fellow authors it would be nice if they condensed their works into a single link chain, instead of flooding the front page with their works.

I'm actually rather surprised with the reviewer on this one. "Cupping her womanhood" is a term I've seen plenty of times, especially in main stream romance/erotic literature. It's a reference to placing a hand over the mons? (Foe admits to knowing where things are, but not necessarily all the names) and is generally used right before a character begins to finger their opposite. Usually it's cupping the womanhood, followed by the entrance of the middle finger. Then the second finger is slid in, followed by a slight twist of the wrist. Finally, begin motions with the two fingers, while stimulating the clit with the pad of the thumb. At least, that's how I've learned it.

Honestly? Who ever wrote that needs to seriously rethink writing. I understand its a hobby for some people, and yes hobbies are meant to be fun. But when you post a story where any one can read it, or sell it, or do what ever with it, so long as it becomes a public item, then it's no longer really your own. People will read your work, and will want to enjoy it. This should be kept in mind when writing the story. Granted, it might be found by the wrong audience, at which point a different venue is needed. But when an author rejects criticisms, especially ones regarding facts about a fandom, all they are doing is ruining themselves. At that point, their stories become even worse then a 12 year old dyslexic (sic) writing Mary Sues. No matter how bad a story, you can at least earn some enjoyment MSTing it. But flaming back at the reviewers, because they pointed out your errors? Uncalled for. The solution? Take your time. Slow down and pay attention, so there aren't as many mistakes to be corrected. Sure, an occasional grammatical error is fine, but when you constantly refer to Harry Potter as Henry Potter, you have a bit more then a small problem.

::Stands up and prepares to Defend Yu-Gi-Oh! to the last man.:: ::Rereads post and realizes they mean Amerishit:: ::Stands down sheepishly:: Yu-gi-oh! got screwed over by Top Deck and Hasbro. They wanted to market to the younger kids, so dumbed down the entire show. It's not all lovey dovey, "Heart of the Cards!" but more demonic then that. Mokuba is some sort of hard core gangster (he even pulls an Uzi on Yugi at one point) Joey's father is an alchoholic, Kaiba really did chuck his step father off a bridge, and Tea is more interested in getting Yugi to screw her then to notice her. The problem is, they took out all the blood guts and gore for the wee ones. Which means you get ludicrous scenes where Bandit Keith threatens Pegasus with his finger, instead of the automatic pistol he had smuggled on to the island. That when Panic faces Yugi, Yugi really is getting torched, not just 'intimidated'. That people bleed when getting hit by monsters, etc. They even left out the entire first season, where Yugi goes around driving people insane, litterly. Some of what the Pharaoh does makes the head games he plays with Kaiba look like childs play. Rant out.

Just for the record, she came after me too. MiniImuChan or some such? possible vampire avy? Yeah, got the same offer to RP. Told her I only do the Sword and sorcery bits, and even then only with my friends. Which can get somewhat interesting. Did you know the best way to throw a succubus of her stride is for some one approach her who actually wants to fuck her? And just gets turned on when she talks dirty.

The problem is that much of history will never be factual, simply because most of the people who made it died during the process of said making.

I say leave the history books alone. As far as I've ever been able to tell, the meaning of studying history is not to determine who was where when, but WHY. The country wasn't settled because the settlers were white, it was settled because everyone wanted to get rich quick, save for some of the english settlers, who were ticked off at being persecuted for their religious beliefs. In the process, they shoved most of the native tribes off to the side as being "savages". The Revolutionary War occured because Britain wanted reimbursement for a war we made them fight, and we wanted some say in how we had to pay. Neither side really listened, so a war broke out. Pretty much the same for the War of 1812. The Civil War was started because one side wanted to keep living in the past, one side wanted to embrace the future,and neither side bothered to ask the group they were fighting over, they simply assumed they were right. The Indian Wars took place because after a hundred plus years of living, people found they didn't have enough land, so they went and took it from those they could. World War I started because people are idiots. World War II started because people didn't remove the idiots who started World War I from power, and allowed said idiots to blame an innocent party for their pown actions. Vietnam and Korea were simply the results of the end of World War II. The modern War on Terrorism was the result of the Cold War, which was in turn the fault of the same causes of Vietnam and Korea. So whose fault is all this? Well, 100,000 years ago, man was born in Africa. Let's blame the blacks. Except, 10,000 years ago there was a major extinction event, and the survivors were all holed up in Australia. So let's blame those from the south Pacific. But, you know, 7,000 years ago the Egyptians created this little thing called "civilization", so I guess we're back to Africa. Ok, so it really is the black's fault. Well, except it could have started in the middle east somewhere, so let's blame the Arabs. Or, as some of us Republicans would like to say, and as Democrats like to believe we all like to say, (Hey, fair's fair.) "Let's Blame the Terrorists!" Except, well, about 5,000-6,000 years ago, Greeks decided they could do it better. Even worse, they deided to create a written language instead of pictographs, so I guess it's all the Greek's fault. But they fell apart and the Romans took over, so now it's alll the Italian's fault. On a different note, they're also responsible for the birth of England as a nation, so this make's several other thing's their fault. Marco Polo was also Italian, but golly gee, if those blasted Asians hadn't been such bastards and started their own civilization, there would have been no need for trade routes and such. So in the end, it's their fault. Except Columbus was Italian, and had Spanish backing, so I say we blame the Spanish and Italians. Bloody Spanish and Italians! Except they wouldn't have had any reason to explore the new world if the locals hadn't gone around digging up all that gold. So now it's all the Latino's fault. The problems after that can all be blamed on the French, and since this covers most of the late 1600s to early 1800s, I'm not going to go into any detail. So let's bash the French! So, all in all, we could say it's all the white man's fault. But that's not giving the black's the credit they're due. And of course, then we have to deal with the Asians and all the other various subcultures of the Islands, North, and Sotuh American continents. Hmmm. How to sum this up then? I know. Let's blame humanity. There, everyone happy?