mannahpierce

I am onto my third book and I am desperate for some feedback on my latest chapters. Book One, Cast Adrift, and Book Two, Foothold, have been published. I am paying for editorial services. What I need is feedback about stuff like: Can you imagine the scene? Do you believe what the characters are doing and saying? Are the emotional messages too muted? Are there parts of the writing where you are 'thrown out' of the story? I have had two people doing a great job but one is a bit tied up and the other has fallen silent. I do need someone (or more than one person) who can reply within days rather than weeks.

Author: Mannah_Pierce Titles: In the cold of space you find the heat of suns, Tying the knot, Tales in Tarrasade, Iteration, Real and Leader Summary: Set in a SciFi world of the far future. Sasuke is the Last Uchiha, heir to the greatest of the spacer clans. Naruto is a human-fox hybrid who grew up feral. They meet as trainees in the same spacer crew. Read the rest to find out what happens. Feedback: Always welcome - I read and treasure every one Fandom: Naruto AU Pairing: Naruto/Sasuke and many others Warnings: M/M, Anal, MiCD, Minor2, OC, Oral, Rim, SciFi, AU Solo story or chaptered story: Five chapter stories and a one-shot. URLs: In the cold of space you find the heat of suns (632 reviews) http://naruto.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600102093 Tying the knot (6 reviews) http://naruto.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600102859 Tales in Tarrasade (134 reviews) http://naruto.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600102672 Iteration (1197 reviews) http://naruto.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600102813 Real (116 reviews) http://naruto.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600104108 Leader (881 reviews) http://naruto.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600104264

OK, so I have been skim reading too many yaoi fanfics whilst trying to finish my own. That means lots of men taking their clothes off or, as many authors put it, stripping down to their boxers. Apparently men wear boxers whether they live in Japan or in a fantasy land, in a cave or in a village, in the past or in the future. Maybe some words stand out to me while others don't. It's probably my age in that I know that many words used now weren't commonly used ten, twenty or even thirty years ago. And there are worse examples than 'boxers', like brand names turning up in the wrong culture or era. Sometimes it feels like there is a team of time-travelling, universe-hopping marketing men specialising in product placement. There again, maybe boxers are particularly annoying. All those beautiful, long-haired men wearing cloaks and wielding swords who turn out to be wearing boxers under their breeches. Somehow I had something more exotic in mind. My serious point is that a writer uses words to build a world to share with his/her readers so each should be selected with care.

Hi Destiny Sorry I did not answer sooner. At the moment, I cannot see myself continuing the Tales in Tarrasade series. It is all I can do to crawl towards the end of 'Leader'. It is difficult to know why I am finding it so hard. It may be because of the restraints I put on myself when I started Leader. I decided only to use the four points of view and maybe that makes it difficult to write spontaneously. Or maybe I have just slowed down. I think one of my problems is that I find it easier to write about the characters' day-to-day lives than to push a plot on. Leader was conceived to be very plot driven because that was the part of my writing that needed developing. Oh well, I am learning a lot.

I confess I missed these comments from Guest_rose_moon and Guest_Phoenixiewolf_ when they were first posted. I had not realised that there was a page 2! Sorry. Thank you both for posting. Guest_rose_moon I have other stories but they are not as slick or as well-developed. They were written several (many?) years ago. I do believe that my style has become more accessible and less self-indulgent since I started posted on here and realised that a storyteller needs an audience. I also work with a beta now (Small Fox), which helps a great deal. Perhaps I will post what I have here under Originals. Guest_Phoenixiewolf_ I listen recently to the author Ian Rankin being interviewed on TV about his detective character Rebus. He spoke as if Rebus was real, saying what Rebus would and would not do. That is how I feel about my characters. They do what they would do. Sometimes it isn't what I would have chosen and many times it is not convenient for the plot. Unfortunately occasionally it upsets the readers. Thanks for sticking with it.

Tanukyle I wrote for only myself for decades before posting on this site and realising that having readers makes all the difference. Thank you for reading. SidonieStarr I mourn with you for the lost words. Thank you for trying.

It makes me very sad that when long-standing readers say they are abandoning the story. Sometimes they have decided that they no longer like the story, which is fair enough, but sometimes it is because they believe the story is going somewhere they do not like. When that happens I wish that AFF had a review reply function, because not every reviewer leaves a email address. Part of writing a story is to have many possibilities open at any one time. Often the inevitability of one outcome is in the reader's mind. If there are many ways the story could flow, then twists and turns are more believable. Also, to be honest, sometimes the story does not turn out as I expect, because the story itself and the characters take over. I do make a point of not answering questions about where the story is going. The great thing about this being a series with a chapter published each week is that readers do not have the opinion of turning to the last page.

I confess I have not used this forum thread for some time. I apologise to Guest_Kimberley_* for not answering her question. Hinata visits Neji in 'In the cold of space you find the heat of suns' chapter 88 'Pasts and presents'.

Danyealle's post rang so true. I think there are two separate issues. There are many super-sensitive authors who take the slightly criticism as a personal attack. Their stories are their babies and when they say 'please review' they mean 'make nice comments about my baby'. Telling them that their story has faults is heard as 'your baby is ugly' and they either get incredibly upset or retaliate. Then there is the problem of being online. Some people don't have a personal code of conduct. Give them anonymity and they behave abominably. They get a kick out of picking on people. Sometimes they dress it up as retaliation. Sometimes they don't bother to do even that. I don't think the review system is for concrit anymore. I think it serves two main purposes: It encourages the author to keep writing. I say this from personal experience. I am writing the last story in a series on this site. It is a lot of work and, like all writers, I sometimes love it and sometimes wish I had never started. I know I wouldn't still be going if it wasn't for the readers who review. Some review for every chapter, every Wednesday and every Saturday. THANK YOU! Other reviews come out of the blue and are equally welcome. Sometimes authors use it to garner ideas about ways forward Even if the review system is only fulfilling these limited purposes, I would still encourage readers to review because it is so encouraging for a writer to make contact with readers. I think authors who are serious about concrit get a beta. If they can find one. Mine, Small Fox, is wonderful. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to receive concrit. If I feel the reviewer has a point I try to act on it. It can be really useful. I have had extensive PM exchanges about issues some reviewers have brought up and such discussions have changed the way I write. But I am 52. I have been a technical writer. I am used to working with editors who do not hesitate to tell me that what I am writing does not come up to standard or why my bright idea doesn't conform or will not work.

I am an American, raised and educated in the UK, writing an AU Sci-Fi fanfic based on a Japanese fandom (Naruto) and my beta is American. I believe most of my readers are in the US - that is certainly true for the edited version I post on FF where the show a country-by-country breakdown. I write in British English most of the time. I find that my American readers are fine with UK spellings and with most UK grammar. Occasionally I avoid grammar that my American beta finds odd, for example in British English we still use spilt and spilled (she spilled the milk, the milk was spilt) but I only use spilled in the story. Then there are some British nouns I know American readers will struggle with so I use the American version, which British readers are familiar with. Two examples are faucet (tap) and diaper (nappy). The great thing about writing is that you get to choose. So, for this story I use a scatter of Japanese terms, some American, mostly current British and a handful of made-up or differently-applied words to remind the reader that this is a future world rather than the one they are living in. I believe the trick is consistency. You create the terminology of your world and you stick to it. Certainly this is what JK Rowling does. So, going back to the first posting in this thread, I would only have the dialogue in a different vernacular to the surrounding text if I was showing that the speaker was an outsider.

All I am asking for is a division between the commentary / comment part and the story part. I can cope if it is on the same page. Just a horizontal line so I don't struggle to find where the story starts and ends.

I was just reading a story on this site - no point saying which one because it applies to many. We get a chunk of the writer chatting about the story, then the chapter, then another chunk apologising for the writer's shortcomings. It detracts. If the end of the chapter is particularly good, it can ruin it. Maybe it is just me. I am the person who never wants to watch the programmes about how films were made. I leave the DVD explaining all the ins and outs in the box. I want to lose myself in the story, not have it explained to me. So my plea is this. If you as an author cannot resist writing about the chapter, separate the commentary from the body of the chapter. The site allows you to put in a horizontal line. Please use that or something similar. Give people like me a chance to know when to start and, more importantly, to stop reading.

I know the site is as good as it can be with the resources it has. Also, its constantly improving, which is great.

This started as an attempt to revitalise my writing, ended up as a two-and-a-half year (and continuing) obsession. You can read all this as one long and continuing story. I wanted to write something in which Sasuke was less self-destructive. I though that if he had grown up thinking Itachi was dead, rather than the person who killed his family, he might have turned out differently. Author: Mannah_Pierce Titles: In the cold of space you find the heat of suns (91 chapters) Tying the knot (one-shot) Tales in Tarrasade (collection of one-shorts and shorts, 17 chapters) Iteration (119 chapters) Leader (22 and increasing by two chapters a week) Summary: Set in the far future. Uchiha is a spacer clan. Sasuke is the last Uchiha. On the day Sasuke was born, Kakashi was given the job of finding a ship and a crew where he could do his training in secret. The story starts when Sasuke begins his training at 14. Naruto is a fox-human hybrid inadvertently acquired by the crew. (I won't tell you more, wouldn't want to spoil it for you.) Feedback: There are reviews, feel free to read them Fandom: Naruto Pairing: Mainly Sasuke and Naruto but other pairings including Kakashi and Iruka. I won't tell you all of them because it will ruin the story. Warnings: Some of the characters have suffered abuse, even as children. Occasionally abuse occurs in the story. In the story, the age of consent is 14 so be prepared. One OC in the first story, then more as the next generation is born and starts growing up (yes, it is that long). Characters do develop differently than they do in Naruto, particularly Sasuke. Almost all the relationships are M/M and two are M/M/M. Characters die. Lots of romantic love. Some redemption. Probably too many cute children in the later stories. If you want a taster, try 'Silver Leaf Tales: Tying the knot' URL: http://naruto.adultf...hp?no=600102859 If you want to jump straight in, start at 'In the cold of space you find the heat of suns' URL: http://naruto.adultf...hp?no=600102093

Not a guest (see post above), just always have trouble signing in to this part of the site!

Warning - spoilers for Iteration up to and including chapter 89 Deciding who lived and who died during the bombing Originally there was not going to be a third arc of Iteration, but once the second was finished it was clear that there needed to be a third. The way the story had evolved, each arc needs a crisis event. In the first arc it was the defence of the spacer quarter in the Warren and in the second it was the kidnapping of Shikamaru and Haru. The new third arc was all about home and family, so I decided that it would be a bombing. Of course I know who is responsible for the bombing, but I have no intention of giving that away yet. I had discussed it with my beta, Small Fox, and we had decided that the thrust of the crisis would be that Naruto, Kiba, Haku and Iruka would be out of action and that the rest of the crew were left trying to cope. Bombings are indicriminate, so I made a cast list. I thentook out all the children, the characters who were away on the Maple, the four characters whom I had decided should be injured and seven characters whom I had decided should not be casualties (Sasuke, Kakashi, Shikamaru, Neji, Konohamaru, Itachi and Kisame). Then I used dice to pick out twelve names. These were the potential victims. I then spent days trying to work out a scenario that was 'true' to the world and the characters. Two characters were saved by not fitting with the scenario I came up with. Then, at the last minute, I decided not to kill Izumo (one of the randomly chosen characters) because if Izumo was killed the crew would have to recruit another engineer, which I did not have time to address properly. So that was how I ended up with the nine characters who died: In the apartments: Shikaku & Yoshino, Tsunade & Jiraiya, C-san & Kunugi In the unoccupied household: Kurenai, Ibiki & Suzume Injured are: Naruto, Iruka, Kiba, Haku & Izumo

Thank you! It is so nice to hear from readers, whether a review, an email or someone posting on this thread.

Why would Klennethon Darrent do almost anything for Shikamaru? Imagine living one hundred years before you met anyone who understood you.

Thanks!

I think you have to log onto the main site to leave a review and log in here separately. I think the two parts are separate. Maybe someone who knows ithe site better can clarify that. I have to confess, it took me a number of viists to the forums (this bit) to realise that the 'log in' button was top right but the place where you typed in your user name and password was so far down the page that it was off the screen of my netbook. What you posted came up though, so whatever you did, it worked.

lividangel in a recent review asked if Ranmaru remembered his mother... Back with 'Print Ranmaru', the first version of Ranmaru readers met, there was a bit where I said that he was not sure when his memories of his mother stopped and those about Konan started. Yes, he remembers his mother. I always imagined that she fell pregnant with an 'unauthorised' child and managed to have him and keep his exisitence secret until he was between three and four. Then she vanished and he was left alone to live or die. In my mind she was accidentally killed and just never came home. Ranmaru was, for me, the main driving character for 'Iteration'. What does it take to be a real individual. Is a print real? Is a reprint real? Is cloning people a good idea? Is it OK to grown a clone in sensory deprivation and then use it for spare parts, or to prolong life? However, the plot line was inspired by 'small fox', my beta, who suggested the idea of Pein as an antagonist. That meant working though a version of the Paths and integrating memories acquired by the Paths. So 'Iteration', which means "doing or saying again; a repeated performance" could refer to Ranmaru (who appears in four versions), or Pein and his Paths, or to Naruto and the kits (who are clones of him), or to Sickler and Kamatari, or to dark and light Zetsu, or even to the 'full-blood Uchiha' characters (Sasuke, Itachi, Haru, Hikaru, Hoshi, Teruko and Takara) who are genertically controlled to have so many aspects of their genomes in common. Actually it refer to all of them.

Thanks. I really appreciate the support. I wish it were true about becoming published!

I started writing 'In the cold of space you find the heat of suns' in December 2009. I had not written any stories for a long time. I had never written a fanfic. I had just passed my fiftieth birthday and I decided that I had to do something to restart my interest in writing fiction or it was never going to happen. All those notebooks (yes, I started that long ago) and all those computer files would languish forrever unread. I like Naruto and I decided that a fanfic would be liberating. I was correct. I discovered how much easier it was when it wasn't my character (although that actually did not last that long as I soon became attached) and I found out that writing with readers was much more motivating than writing without them. Thank you to anyone who has read one of my stories. Even more so to anyone who has ever rated a story, or left a review or sent me an email. My stories on this site are set in my own world, which for convenience I call 'the World of Mannah Pierce'. It is a SciFi world set in a future that has this world as its distant past. OK, I tried using the forums before and got little response, but I am hoping that some readers may want to ask questions or make comments about the stories. Maybe the SciFi bits, or stylistic points, or how 'in known space' I got from a Naruto character to the one in my story! More soon if anyone shows any interest. With kind regards Mannah Pierce

That would be an excellent solution for me. Thank you. Kind regards Mannah Pierce -edited category title

I would like to request a new category. Catagory name: SciFi Section catagory to be in: Originals Do you have any stories for it?: Yes, the three I have posted under 'Fantasy' because there doesn't seem to be a SciFi section (one of which is a WIP) plus possibly another long story (not posted yet) And I think it would be great to have it sub-divided like the other categories under originals. Hope that makes sense Thanks Mannah Pierce