InvidiaRed

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From ANON - ShadowDancer on November 27, 2018
 

Don’t stop there!!! I liked this one a lot. It had all the elements I like in a fan-fic.

 

:mademyday: Thank you. You are correct I’m not stopping there. Events are slowly picking up speed.

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On 11/6/2018 at 7:27 AM, InvidiaRed said:

Haha.

The Hallowen reviews were great.

So let's see how this goes for the rest of my work.

:hug:

 

That a motivator when I first contributed a Halloween story back in 2015.  Small samples, reviews, and perhaps even picking up a reader or two.

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From Ayrick on December 04, 2018
 

I felt a bit lost in this chapter. I'm loving the story so far but Leviathan confuses me. I don't get it. Damian is 3 people inside? Is Zoquir just one? Does Zoquir now have like 7 piercing and prices on his arm and a gross tramp stamp? He's a personal whore so why would he need prices on his wrist? 

I never want the reader feeling lost.:o Time to go back and edit for clarity.

 

The piercings are for mundane obfuscation.

Next chapter will have alot of world building

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From PlagueClover on December 16, 2018
 

Outreach by InvidiaRed

This was a very sweet story. You know, when I read fics you've written, the style, the elite word usage and complicated thought processes make me very curious about what's happening in that brain of yours. I mean that in a good way. Your writing is very different from anything I've read before. It's a lot to take in, a lot of jumping back and forth so I had trouble following/understanding what was happening, but once I kinda caught onto the rhythm of it, and that little romance began to spark, it managed to pull at my heartstrings and ended beautifully. 

Awesome job. 

It takes effort to make the words flow.

To make them go. Where they end up nobody knows. From one mind to the next

A simple test, A detail stress

For Context is Queen and the order of words King.

Spoiler

Major Spoilers for Grand Inquistion

 

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From BronxWench on December 16, 2018
 

Outreach

Beautiful, just beautiful. You play with language like a master, and it's delightful to see how you coax words into new patterns. And this world of yours--so unique, and painful, and full of terrible beauty.

Thank you!

 

Thank you for the kind words.

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From JayDee on December 19, 2018
 

Outreach

It feels like Vaneris’s feelings for iteration pi are not entirely healthy... It was interesting. Lots of hints at wider lore as with the Halloween story and that momentous things have happened, but here’s a couple folks just lying together on a holiday. And, hey, Bread can be hard to get right!

A relationship is hard enough without a vast power imbalance between two beings. The nearly unfettered power on their home turf means even a mild temper tantrum by a godling can be absolutely apocalyptic. Love often blinds those with it of the faults of their beloved.

the result of a dalliance between a fertility goddess and a god of pestilence is Vaneris.Its not by accident that the name is similar to

Spoiler

venereal

 

Edited by InvidiaRed

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  From InBrightestDay on January 27, 2019
 

I like this one.  I expected something kind of sad or emotional, but there's a surprising amount of humor to it, especially the entire Hitler bit, which makes me wonder if the teen with the Word above his head comes from some alternate timeline or if it's just an effect of being outside the stable bubble. (Whichever you consider funnier. She’s saying don’t be a monster. What he’s hearing is don’t be successful.)

I also like the way you describe Tinarah's mental illness.  It's not that she feels sad, it's that doesn't feel anything, which is its own kind of horror. (It’s mostly from personal experience…. I very nearly didn’t survive highschool. Anxiety and depression fed on one another till it was unbearable.My parents caught me before I contemplated the unthinkable)

The one thing I would criticize is that sometimes the way the lines are broken up creates doubt about their implication.  As an example, this part here...

“Yes? No? I don’t even know any more.”

She reluctantly admitted aloud as she sat next to the teenager.

...is easy enough to figure out.  The top line, the quote is what she is reluctantly admitting.  The problem is that because of that format, this line...

“I feel dead inside. My emotions are muted at best. How can you possibly say that? You bear a word of creation above your brow. You are a god… And….I am nothing.”

Tinarah angrily shouted. Thrilled at the momentary eclipse her angry had surged. She felt it even now slip away. Drained by the foul ennui that had poisoned her.

...is now harder to understand.  Did she angrily shout that she's nothing, or did she say calmly that she's nothing (there's a period there, after all, rather than an exclamation point) and then just yell wordlessly?  I can't really tell because of the way the story's lines are broken up.

That criticism aside, I did still enjoy the story, both the banter between the two characters and the implications of a much wider story outside of this one.

Thank you :D I’ll fix it for clarity.

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1 hour ago, InvidiaRed said:

Whichever you consider funnier. She’s saying don’t be a monster. What he’s hearing is don’t be successful.

I forgot to mention it in the review, but my absolute favorite joke in the story is Tinarah’s “There is so much wrong with that I don’t even know where to start...” reaction to the exchange.

Quote

I very nearly didn’t survive highschool. Anxiety and depression fed on one another till it was unbearable.My parents caught me before I contemplated the unthinkable.

I’m very sorry you went through that, but I am glad that your family was there for you and that you had a source of support.

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From ANON - Makersc on January 29, 2019
 

I love that the main POV is the dark lords rather than that of a hero who is supposed to slay the dark lord it’s a nice change, it’s also very well written. Keep up the good work.

Elf Death is indeed the main character. It’s actually rather hard to write him because I don’t want him to be mary sue. I don’t want to over play his flaws and I do want him to be likeable. Or at the very least so that his motivations are understandable.

He’s a old thing. A potent thing.

He doesn’t expect easy victory but he has already conquered the continent twice. From here on out. The carnage starts and he doesn’t intend to stop until his throne is returned to him.

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Can't lie, a lot of this has been confusing. The worlds are so different, intense and malicious (even the parts that aren't considered an afront to the heavens, seem quite...rigid), so i cant imagine putting that all down and making it make sense.

I can't help rooting for Levi. Anyone who's gone through half of what he's gone through- esp with the messed up Angel's test- deserves peace and freedom. And even with everything, 'monster' and 'whore' are the first thing people think. smh this under world though.

Wolf to me is the most confusing entity in here. Whats his other half for? Why does that menace have any power over him? Why can't leviathan end that half?

Can't wait for ch27. Why this litch won't just let the former prisoners be great is a mystery.

Thank you for the review B-):spank2:

Yes, There is alot of things going on. Considering, I went the extra mile and not only stat’ed but busted out a buttload of minis and a portable banquet table and am actually playing this by hand. The first turn took a little over three hours.

Cause Its the finale and I was like fuck it pull out all the stops. Its the battle that’s been building since the beginning and to skip anything would be an injustice. I went back and put POV’s cause there’s what amounts to a zombie apocalypse in the top floors and a boss battle at its depths. The Battle Of Undermountain is underway.

I’m trying to cut down the chaos and desperately hoping its readable and enjoyable.

Levi- By far is and always will be one of my favorite characters. He could have been bitter and resentful towards the world.

By personal choice he’s not.

He just wants to live in it by his own terms even if the whole world will only see him as a monster or as some whore.

You are very astute.

Miriam, is the only one who has actively engaged, participated in and actively hunted down other sapient beings all because of their silver eyes.

To answer that question. I have to ask this.

Was Wolf a man that lived as a beast or is he a beast that has lived as a man? Is he one or the other? Which matters most if one loses what the other is?

The Silver Eyes aren’t insane as they truly do have another voice in their head. The ability to become a monster with a need for the passion of others is all dependant on the person. And none manifest the same way. If Leviathan just ups and murders Damien. It could make Wolf brain dead.  Killing a being that is quite literally part of you is not mentally healthy. Especially if that being will do anything to ensure your survival regardless of your wishes.

That astute observation is quite fascinating.

Why indeed did morovith capture them and imprison them when he could have just let time do his dirty work and kill them. What benefit could there be to capture people and place them in a prison where they will never grow old, infirm and die of natural causes.

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From iamjmph on September 02, 2019
 

eh, it was going so well, and then you made harry wimp out and let voldemort win. That's just sad.

Thank you for the review.

Tarnished Lion is not an uber powerful harry story. This particular harry just used two unforgivables and riding high on the dark arts.  He has to earn that power and he’s still growing and has a lot to learn about the dark arts. There will be intrigue and battles to come.

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From TheFlamingDictator on October 07, 2019
 

I truly love the general vibe of the story. I like the fact that you slowly but surely manage to twist Harry into something more darker. I also really like that ti's a slow decent. Slowly but surely he comes into his more darker and baser urges. I like it. All in all it's a very cool concept. I can't wait to read more. Regardless of what happens, know this, you are a great writer. 

 

With kind regards,

 

TheFlamingDictator

 

Thanks for the kind words.

Harry has never been a saint straight from JK’s Own mouth. I merely chose the perfect opportunity where the series grew darker with the return of Voldermort. These natural nexus points make perfect springboards to launch off of. Change the story a wee bit.

This is also a point where Dumbledore chose to isolate himself from Harry for the entire year.   While Voldermort without a doubt will miss Barty Jr.’s competance and resolute loyalty. He’s still disposable. Since Voldermort has never wanted a friend. Voldermort knows for a fact that Barty Jr is exactly where he needs to be. His most favored disciple.

Harry brought Voldermort back. So now Harry himself is Barty’s objective to the exclusion of all else.

Harry’ is vulnerable more than ever now. His second murder is a complete accident.  People tend to forget that Barty Jr. Is a zealot second if not tied with Bellatrix herself. And this Death Eater has direct access to Harry at a time where his vulnerability is at its peak.

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Completed? say whaaaaaaat?

I've got way more questions than resolution.

Does Levi ever meet his mom?

When/how did Levi meet up with Wolf and Troy?

Who is this wizard and why is Levi on the way to meet him?

Where's Damien been this entire time? I find it hard to believe that soft hearted Wolf has managed to supress him this long on his own.

Where on earth is Paladin? Are Leviathin not capable of being in the same space at the same time? In which case.....how is Paladin with Leviathin?

Why is Levi with Troy? He trysts the vampires now?

What about the dude who just got his wings back and animates the dead? is he still in undermountain or is he living his best life causing chaos somewhere?

It was nice to know Paladin is a little man-whore though lol. And it was lovely for a character to FINALLY acknowledge that Levi maybe dark, but is in no way evil.

 

The Direct Sequel is almost finished Chapter One. Winter Fell . Hahaha.

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On 8/12/2019 at 9:48 AM, InvidiaRed said:

Can't lie, a lot of this has been confusing. The worlds are so different, intense and malicious (even the parts that aren't considered an afront to the heavens, seem quite...rigid), so i cant imagine putting that all down and making it make sense.

I can't help rooting for Levi. Anyone who's gone through half of what he's gone through- esp with the messed up Angel's test- deserves peace and freedom. And even with everything, 'monster' and 'whore' are the first thing people think. smh this under world though.

Wolf to me is the most confusing entity in here. Whats his other half for? Why does that menace have any power over him? Why can't leviathan end that half?

Can't wait for ch27. Why this litch won't just let the former prisoners be great is a mystery.

Thank you for the review B-):spank2:

Yes, There is alot of things going on. Considering, I went the extra mile and not only stat’ed but busted out a buttload of minis and a portable banquet table and am actually playing this by hand. The first turn took a little over three hours.

Cause Its the finale and I was like fuck it pull out all the stops. Its the battle that’s been building since the beginning and to skip anything would be an injustice. I went back and put POV’s cause there’s what amounts to a zombie apocalypse in the top floors and a boss battle at its depths. The Battle Of Undermountain is underway.

I’m trying to cut down the chaos and desperately hoping its readable and enjoyable.

Levi- By far is and always will be one of my favorite characters. He could have been bitter and resentful towards the world.

By personal choice he’s not.

He just wants to live in it by his own terms even if the whole world will only see him as a monster or as some whore.

You are very astute.

Miriam, is the only one who has actively engaged, participated in and actively hunted down other sapient beings all because of their silver eyes.

To answer that question. I have to ask this.

Was Wolf a man that lived as a beast or is he a beast that has lived as a man? Is he one or the other? Which matters most if one loses what the other is?

The Silver Eyes aren’t insane as they truly do have another voice in their head. The ability to become a monster with a need for the passion of others is all dependant on the person. And none manifest the same way. If Leviathan just ups and murders Damien. It could make Wolf brain dead.  Killing a being that is quite literally part of you is not mentally healthy. Especially if that being will do anything to ensure your survival regardless of your wishes.

That astute observation is quite fascinating.

Why indeed did morovith capture them and imprison them when he could have just let time do his dirty work and kill them. What benefit could there be to capture people and place them in a prison where they will never grow old, infirm and die of natural causes.

wooooooah! I didn't know this thread existed until this moment. Awww thanks for the detailed response XD

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From done on October 11, 2019
 

Nooooooo *cries* my poor Levi! WTF Troy?!

yay Harbingers happy teaching his....dare i say kids? about shapes lol.

Wolf without Damien- I'm here for it.

To be fair.

He’s a fledgling who got a direct order from the founder of the bloodline Vileblood himself. Part of the reason the Vileblood clan is one of the most powerful vampire clans is that Vileblood himself is the only one who has sire right. Which is to say. All vampires of this bloodline are his children. To be direct fledglings of a clan founder makes them incredibly powerful in comparison to say a common clanless rabble vampire.

That direct order from the clan founder supersedes all other orders. Like a direct order of a king to his subject or a central tenant from the highest religious authority.Except, at the same time.

The problem mostly stems from the arrogance of Vileblood himself.

They both really did think Levi would come quietly… Who’d be crazy enough to challenge a clan founder?

But he didn’t. So his purpose was invalidated and then suddenly out of the blue

Weeks later.  That purpose just casually reveals himself, runs off

And Troy immediately gets ambushed. Troy survives just time to see this desperate flailing and the next thing he knows. A lash of fire grabs hold of Levi and drags him under.

Troy has somehow managed to fail this purpose three times within a couple of months so he’s definitely not thinking clearly.

Yes, Harbinger truly thinks of the ghouls he creates as his children. He's not wrong. So you got an angel surrounded by flesh-eating undead and he’s using colorful flashcards and wooden shapes trying to teach said undead.

Wolf this time around gets the spotlight for sure.

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From InBrightestDay on October 21, 2019
 

Immunda

Okay, time to be really pedantic: horseflies don't have mandibles (well, to be even more pedantic, they do, but the mandibles are part of the proboscis)

Moving on...

Well, it was inevitable, I suppose, that at least one of these stories was going to upset me, and this one did!

I think you did a really good job describing how the horror of the place works, how the citizens are all terrified pretty much all the time and it drives them into a sort of feral madness.  The un-birthing scene at the end is pretty damn upsetting to read, and it was kind of stomach-churning imagining what is going to happen to Trias afterward and how gory that's going to get. 

Guess it's a common idea to have a female paladin or cleric of some good deity or something like that be defeated and raped by dark forces, and this certainly plays out that basic plot well.  It's also always just...really upsetting for me to read, I suppose.

Sorry I keep using that word.

Thanks for the review. It seems I overshot a bit. I was aiming for uncomfortable. Definitely not upsetting.

To be utmost correct. Horseflies do have “Stabbing mouthparts, two pairs of blades and a sponge.” Mandibles was the best way I figured to shorthand it. Proboscis tends to bring up images of mosquitoes and an itch. Having been bitten by a horsefly while hiking was painful and I have never hiked without insect repellant again.

Mortane is easily the darkest nation I’ve created. A literal hell on earth.

The inhabitants commit sins and do evil to protect themselves. In a roundabout way doing evil keeps them safe. It damns them in the process but damnation is a better state than what they currently have to endure. It makes them unappealing background noise to their vile gods.  They will sell their souls for cheap because demons will at somepoint grow bored. 

Being favored will make even the nicest citizen go on a murderous rampage because being cut down is vastly preferred to receiving the gods undivided attention. The Demon Emperor himself was the first unfortunate soul to gain all the favor of the gods of Mortane. He was Unpersoned. No one would go near him, no one would talk to him, there are no records of his existence and he endured this for a decade. When he snapped he had become little more than a reflection of the gods who made him suffer. His soul mangled beyond recognition and twisted.

The instant death spell that blasted his soul into the afterlife was the first act of mercy he had ever received. It was the moment the civilized gods aghast realized something was incredibly wrong with Mortane. In a manner much like cityfolk that are introduced via the most unfortunate circumstances to their feral rural cousins. Deliverance+The Hills have eyes+Silent Hill= Mortane.

Trias never called out to her goddess. Because she was terrified of what the gods would do to a being she loves. She wasn’t willing to put her goddess in danger. It was at this moment her goddess realized that the bonds of faith work both ways. Trias ignores the pleas of her goddess to leave Mortane. Trias never leaves Mortane. She gets back up and heads deeper into the heart of Mortane.

Interesting fact of the day. Sodomy is not the reason Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed. It was the fact the inhabitants were stupid enough to break sacred hospitality. It was this intolerable trespass that brought about the destruction of the cities. To intend to violate divine messengers is the very definition “They had it coming.”

This isn't the end of the story. The goddess demands justice from her fellow shepherds of civilization. An Accord is reached and the gods assemble a divine host.

The goddess herself will go to war. She will not allow this ignoble suffering upon her justicar. She can’t

A line in the sand has been drawn, The world will tremble as the full horrors of war are unleashed. To do anything else is an admission of weakness. There will be no diplomacy, No quarter given or taken. Either, This vile tribe will be put down like the rabid monstrosities they are...

Or the civilized gods will be massacred to the last.

 

 

 

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19 hours ago, InvidiaRed said:

To be utmost correct. Horseflies do have “Stabbing mouthparts, two pairs of blades and a sponge.” Mandibles was the best way I figured to shorthand it. Proboscis tends to bring up images of mosquitoes and an itch. Having been bitten by a horsefly while hiking was painful and I have never hiked without insect repellant again.

Trust me, I am the only person who’s going to bring up the mandible thing.  I’m just into entomology, arachnology, etc., so for me “proboscis” doesn’t automatically suggest mosquitoes, but rather a wide variety of bugs, anything from the hypodermic needle of a mosquito to the curly straw of a butterfly to the nightmarish stabbing weapon of the Reduviidae, like this wheel bug (Arilus cristatus) here:

reduvid03.jpg

Technically speaking, in horseflies, deer flies and mosquitoes, the mandibles, maxillae and “lips” combine to form a proboscis, a surprisingly complex anatomy for a simple-looking organ.  The Reduviid proboscis is a far more unified structure.

Like I said, I’m the only person who’s going to bring this kind of thing up. :D

Quote

It seems I overshot a bit. I was aiming for uncomfortable. Definitely not upsetting.

Don’t get the wrong idea.  It’s not like you pushed one of my depression buttons and I’m going to be sad for weeks.  No female angels have been harmed (yet) and due to the medieval fantasy setting, I don’t imagine Samus Aran will be dragged into this (yes, those are random as all hell, but those are the buttons I know about).  Tragedy is also part of horror in many cases (comeuppance tales excluded, obviously), so periodically horror will also make me sad.

Quote

Trias never called out to her goddess. Because she was terrified of what the gods would do to a being she loves. She wasn’t willing to put her goddess in danger.

That’s actually very touching.  It’s very noble of her, which of course makes what happens to her all the worse.

Quote

Trias ignores the pleas of her goddess to leave Mortane. Trias never leaves Mortane. She gets back up and heads deeper into the heart of Mortane.

That’s part of what gets to me, I think.  See, I could imagine two possible outcomes after the un-birthing scene.  The first is that the newborn godling grows rapidly inside her and then tears its way out, and Trias dies lying in a pool of her own blood and shredded organs (we all know how this image got into my head).  Thing is, that was probably the better of the two options, since after she died, her soul would presumably have been fine.

On the other hand, if she heads back into Mortane because she’s been twisted into something evil, that’s way worse.  I think we’re members of the same religion (different denominations, probably, but basically the same), so you understand what I’m saying when I mention the importance of free will, of choice.  If you become something evil by your own choice, that’s on you...but if you’re made into something horrible, against your own desires, that’s both terrifying and deeply sad, and it’s worse if the people who should be your friends treat you as if what’s happened was your choice and therefore your fault…

Quote

The goddess herself will go to war. She will not allow this ignoble suffering upon her justicar. She can’t

...Of course, that doesn’t seem to be what you’re doing.

And I may have misread that “never leaves Mortane” thing too.  It’s possible Trias doesn’t want whatever’s been done to her to affect people outside of Mortane, so she’s staying there and suffering to keep others safe, in which case I can understand why her goddess would be so upset.

Quote

Interesting fact of the day. Sodomy is not the reason Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed. It was the fact the inhabitants were stupid enough to break sacred hospitality. It was this intolerable trespass that brought about the destruction of the cities. To intend to violate divine messengers is the very definition “They had it coming.”

Well, God was already planning to wipe the cities from the map before the two angels came to visit Lot and his family.  I think we can assume the Sodomites and those who lived in Gomorra made a habit of doing crap like that (I’m not Jewish, but apparently stuff from the Talmud and Midrash has it they were extremely cruel to outsiders, thus making for an interesting comparison to Deliverance or The Hills Have Eyes, albeit Sodom and Gomorrah were extremely wealthy places instead of backwater hillbilly types).

Attempting to rape two angels was officially the last straw, though.

Quote

This isn't the end of the story.

Well, that was a heck of a way to get me to read the story! :lol:  Granted, you’re not the only author to make me come back to a story going “IS SHE GONNA BE OKAY!?” but it is kind of amusing that this is a legit authorial strategy.

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16 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

 

 

It's Worse if the people who should be your friends treat you as if what’s happened was your choice and therefore your fault… Trust me I know first hand. When the person you thought was your best friend actually isn’t.

And I may have misread that “never leaves Mortane” thing too.  It’s possible Trias doesn’t want whatever’s been done to her to affect people outside of Mortane, so she’s staying there and suffering to keep others safe, in which case I can understand why her goddess would be so upset.

 

 
 

You Are Correct. The Gods Of Mortane can’t torture anyone else if they’re fixated on her like they are. She now completely understands the Demon Emperor but unlike him she has strength of character. They cannot corrupt someone who has fought evil all her life. She knows all the tricks and most importantly she has a goddess who she knows for a fact has never let her down. Not once. There’s no doubt or uncertainty to play off of.  She may not be able to hold them off forever but then she doesn’t have to.

While she can’t face them. She can distract them. Since she knows her goddess isn’t impulsive. The Hammerstrike may take sometime but its coming and Trias is fully committed to giving her goddess all the time she needs.

Trias has been permanently rendered barren as a result of the unbirthing.

Edited by InvidiaRed
Clarity

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10 hours ago, InvidiaRed said:

Reality like to reminds us that nightmares walk among us every day. That pic is horrifying.

I’ve learned alot from this about myself.

Walking biological syringes are just a straight no for me. In addition to Weevils, Kissing Bugs, Lice, Bed bugs and probably anything else in that Class.

Edited by InvidiaRed
Clarity.

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12 hours ago, InvidiaRed said:

Trias has been permanently rendered barren as a result of the unbirthing.

That is sad, but on the other hand, there are far worse things that could have happened to her considering the sort of vile magic she’s being exposed to.  It’s a heartbreaking thing to have taken from you, but it’s the kind of thing a character can overcome, and often I find stories like that really inspiring.

Quote

I’ve learned alot from this about myself.

Walking biological syringes are just a straight no for me. In addition to Weevils, Kissing Bugs, Lice, Bed bugs and probably anything else in that Class.

As far as taxonomy goes, most of the insects you describe go in the order Hemiptera (bed bugs are in the family Cimicidae, kissing bugs are in the family Reduviidae, subfamily Triatominae, and stuff like wheel bugs and assassin bugs are all in greater Reduviidae).  Lice are, to my surprise, actually their own order (Phthiraptera), and weevils are beetles (order Coleoptera).

We all have things that we’re kind of squeamish about.  In my case, it’s roaches.  No, really.  I’ve actually handled a wheel bug (they don’t strike with that proboscis unless they feel threatened), as well as wasps and other bugs that can cause me real pain.  I even rescued a brown widow spider (Latrodectus geometricus) from my garage at one point using a cup and paper, so I can honestly say that I am less nervous around bugs that can hurt me than I am around cockroaches.  Doesn’t make any sense, but that’s the way it is. :rolleyes:

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13 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

  I even rescued a brown widow spider (Latrodectus geometricus) from my garage at one point using a cup and paper, so I can honestly say that I am less nervous around bugs that can hurt me than I am around cockroaches.  Doesn’t make any sense, but that’s the way it is. :rolleyes:

No, It does make sense.

Cockroaches offend the whole swarm principal in our brain. When you see an adult cockroach it means there are more nearby the you don't see.  And that uncertainty opens straight to fear of the unknown. 

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