Shadowknight12 Posted December 4, 2010 Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 BronxWench: Thank you for the review! A goblin, a gnome and a barrel of explosives would be one hell of a kink. Good to hear the descriptions were effective, I had to trim a lot to make it fit into 1000 words. Heh, Auran likes a challenge. Why woo the guy the normal way, when he can make it hard AND succeed at the same time? Walking a fine line is what makes it fun for him! I had a lot of fun writing these two, so I think we'll definitely see more of these guys in the future. Especially since the new prompt is just a couple of days away! Asexual Biped: Heheheh, glad to hear that! Auran is insufferable. But in the good way. Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wanderingaddict Posted December 4, 2010 Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 lol I too noticed how chilly it felt just reading the story, but then we have about a foot of snow coming down right not here so maybe it was just appropriate to the mood? anyways I love snow and reading about stories set in snowy weather so this was great. I also wanted to reply here in the forums because I noticed what Melrick was talking about too. what they failed to point out is sort of the idea that the "," <blank> is a descriptor of the preceeding conversation, and as such part of the full thought. to a native english speaker, it's something that can be really jarring, which is why they were talking about that "full stop" idea, because a period in the "middle" of a sentence like that is kinda like saying STOP! right as the person gets going. just explaining the psychology behind it, if you didn't know, and to help you remember in the future. not actually criticizing you for it ^.^ edit- ooooo, too, *technicially* you ARE correct in your use of it, in that the example they used, the "Jeddek replied glacially" COULD be an entire afterthought on its own, so yeah, you ARE RIGHT. haha, lawlz, that one example they used was bad, because, yeah, it IS technically okay, because that is an acceptable break between two full thoughts- Jeddek's words, and that Jeddek deliperately replied slowly. buuuut... that's kind of a gray area because I don't think many people would readily grasp something like that. it's easier, reading a story, to jump that "soft break" and read it as one full sentence. this-- “I would rather bed a naga myrmidon.” Jeddek declared caustically, scowling at those bright cerulean eyes that found amusement in everything. would be a much better example of a full stop that jarrs, as the word "declare" is not something we use as an action in and of itself. so yeah. just explaining, if they weren't clear enough, because I like what you write and want you to continue ^.^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BronxWench Posted December 4, 2010 Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 For whatever it's worth, while I'm nowhere near familiar enough with your fandom to actually beta (and prefer not to, truth be told), I am always up for grammar/mechanics proofreading. Like addict says, I like what you write, and I want you to keep writing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadowknight12 Posted December 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 Melrick and wanderingaddict: OH. Oh, I see. Someone tried to tell me this a while ago, but I just didn't get what the hell they were talking about. Now I finally understand. I couldn't let it lie, so I went back and fixed those things in the dialogue, lol. And kudos on the psychology thing, waddict, I had a good grasp on what Melrick was talking about, but that helped me cinch it. It might be really obvious to you guys, but I'm used to writing this the complete opposite way. Why, using quotes for dialogue (and not just for, you know, quoting) was one of those things that took me a while to get used to. Anyhow, I went with a comma on the 'replied glacially' thing, because it's describing how he said the words that precede it. Lol, doing this sort of thing helped me realise I need to add some variety to my dialogue. It's all uniformly written the exact same way! "Dialogue," character synonym-for-said adverb. Anyway, thank you both for the help! And hah, stories like this one are my way to get in touch with all the frosty, wintry things I love and can't have. I wished it snowed here. AT ALL. FairySlayer: ROFL, I wonder who that could be! I'm glad you picked up on the fact that Jeddek is, at least in some unconscious level, playing along. Yeah, the siblings/old-married-couple dynamics is precisely the feeling I wanted to evoke. You're definitely right about Auran wanting to keep Jed alive, and not only because he's infinitely amused by him. I can already see they're going to be a ton of fun to write. Odd couples usually are! Thanks! I know the opening scene brought me some relief in my sweltering, sun-drenched hemisphere. BronxWench: Hah, it's quite all right! I know you have a lot on your hands already, what with two stories to update and, you know, Real Life! Thanks for the offer, though! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BronxWench Posted December 4, 2010 Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 BronxWench: Hah, it's quite all right! I know you have a lot on your hands already, what with two stories to update and, you know, Real Life! Thanks for the offer, though! The proofreading is actually not all that time-consuming, and the offer stands. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadowknight12 Posted December 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 The proofreading is actually not all that time-consuming, and the offer stands. Hah, well, I'll keep that in mind for the next prompt. Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadowknight12 Posted December 4, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2010 pittwitch: Heh, thank you! I guess the trimming wasn't as bad as I thought, descriptions-wise. Glad I got a shiver out of you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadowknight12 Posted December 5, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2010 JayDee: Hah, you made me google Carry On. Interesting, reminds me of a dirty (dirtier?) Monty Python! You know, I always enjoy your reviews, because you point out a lot of the "backstage" stuff that's always so interesting to discuss. Imagine if one could get away with RPing a character like Auran! *snorts* BWAHAHAHAH! I see that and read "cocks these and" which just makes me laugh at the innuendo. Sometimes I think the recaptchas are sentient... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadowknight12 Posted December 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2010 Apollo: Indeed! On both counts! It's hard to come off as both affably evil and amusing, but I'm glad I somehow made it work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadowknight12 Posted December 18, 2010 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 Techno-Ninja: Thank you! It's always good when a reader unfamiliar with the fandom is still able to enjoy the story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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