304 or simply at ease

[Mikey]

I would like to write about a girl who is at ease with her sexuality, but my issue is that I cannot bring myself to do so without making a character that has been engaged alot is sex activities.

Since a girl who had alot of experiences is usually seen as a 304, I wonder how can a girl get more experienced in sex without engaging in said activities.

Any ideas?

[BronxWench]

Just off the top of my head, how would you write about a boy who was well experienced in sex, and at ease with his own sexuality? Would you write him as someone who is promiscuous, someone who falls into bed with every girl who gives him a second glance?

If we stop seeing female characters as somehow tainted by an awareness of sex and sexuality, it would make for a pleasant change, no?

[Mikey]

15 hours ago, BronxWench said:

Just off the top of my head, how would you write about a boy who was well experienced in sex, and at ease with his own sexuality? Would you write him as someone who is promiscuous, someone who falls into bed with every girl who gives him a second glance?

I thought of that, but I do not think I could write them the same since guys and girls are different.

Girls are more often than not emotional. It is how they feel that prevails and they deal with the consequences of their choices afterwards; I guess this how they believe they stay true to themselves.

Most guys are rational. They too face consequences but because of the shortcomings of there thinking; they do not always see the bigger picture.

15 hours ago, BronxWench said:

If we stop seeing female characters as somehow tainted by an awareness of sex and sexuality, it would make for a pleasant change, no?

That is actually why I am asking for advices : to wisely write that character as genuine as possible.

Edited September 9 by Mikey

[BronxWench]

11 hours ago, Mikey said:

I thought of that, but I do not think I could write them the same since guys and girls are different.

Girls are more often than not emotional. It is how they feel that prevails and they deal with the consequences of their choices afterwards; I guess this how they believe they stay true to themselves.

Most guys are rational. They too face consequences but because of the shortcomings of there thinking; they do not always see the bigger picture.

That is actually why I am asking for advices : to wisely write that character as genuine as possible.

I suppose we find our perceptions shaped by the events of our lives, which also makes it harder to see the other gender objectively. I’ve always found most men to be quite as emotional as women, although they express it quite differently. Women are also quite capable of being rational and logical; emotional outbursts are not a default response in my experience.

But let’s give this a shot. Your girl could have a friend who’s active sexually, and who shares bits and pieces of what she’s done with her boyfriend. Or perhaps your girl has been reading some racy manga, or watching movies that have not-quite-explicit scenes that nevertheless suggest some interesting activities. Or, and let’s be daring here, your girl is friends with a guy from down the block (they’ve grown up knowing each other), and he brags a bit about what’s he’s gotten up to with his latest girlfriend because that’s what young guys will do.

Any of those scenarios would give your girl knowledge of sexual behavior without actually having sexual experience. How she gains ease with her own sexuality would be harder to write, I think. It will depend greatly on the age of the characters, and if your girl has had any experience with sex.

[Thundercloud]

I don’t get why you would need lots of experience to be at ease with your sexuality. If you go with the assumption that the first experience of sex must be bad, then you need lots of sex to compensate, but why is it that the first sex must be bad?

You can find many stories with the first sex causing hurt for the girl, and she has a hymen to lose before she can enjoy the sex...how about just scrapping that bad plot device since the hymen does not exist in reality? 

At the end of the day, a strong female raised in a safe environment has a good chance to succeed in life. Sex is not inherently more difficult than anything else. There are, of course, challenges with all the bad porn out there that virtually urge the watcher how to have bad sex but that doesn’t mean sex must connected with angst and bad experiences.

[Mikey]

Thanks to both of you.

You helped alot.

[WarrenTheConey]

Actually, hymens are a real thing, people just exaggerate about them. The reason most girls don't notice them is because that membrane will widen and thin out as the girl develops physically. By their mid-teens most girls are physically ready for sex and wouldn't feel much beyond the slightest prick or itch during their first time having sex. If you want to include a hymen breaking, the girl depicted is gonna need to be a young one, in her early teens or preteens.

As for your question, in order to be comfortable with anything, a person needs exposure to the thing, whatever it is. This does not mean that the person has to engage with this thing directly; In fact indirect exposure to things often creates a romanticized look on them.

Your girl could be thinking about how her friends sometimes talk about their sexual experiences and she could form an opinion of what she thinks she would like, or how she would feel, or what she would do, as a result. Then she could try exploring her own body in a comfortable space at her own leisure.

If you don't want to take time to show those experiences, then you can have her think back to these as experiences that have already happened to her.

The most important thing however, is that she needs to be comfortable with the person she is going to be sexual with. If she doesn't trust that person, she won't be comfortable doing anything with whoever she's with. You're going to need to show that trust in some way, if you want it to be believable.

(Yes, I know this essentially reiterated Bronx's example, but I felt maybe you'd like to have another perspective, even if it isn't much different.)

[Thundercloud]

5 hours ago, WarrenTheConey said:

Actually, hymens are a real thing, people just exaggerate about them. The reason most girls don't notice them is because that membrane will widen and thin out as the girl develops physically. By their mid-teens most girls are physically ready for sex and wouldn't feel much beyond the slightest prick or itch during their first time having sex. If you want to include a hymen breaking, the girl depicted is gonna need to be a young one, in her early teens or preteens.

The real-world hymen is not a membrane at all but mucosal folds. Nothing that needs to be penetrated to have sex. Your average three-year-old girl and a woman who has given birth have mucosal folds that look pretty much the same. Puberty introduces hormones that make it easier to handle penetration, but it does not make any membrane disappear. If we speak about even younger girls than three or four years old, the folds are affected by different hormones and look different, but it is still not a membrane.

There exists a rare medical condition called Hymen imperforatus, meaning the cells did not die as intended during the development of the body, so there is no opening. It happens between 1/1000 and 1/10000, depending on what ethnically we are talking about. This is a condition that needs to be fixed before the girl has their first bleeding. Some girls also have this condition partially and might need surgery to be able to insert a tampon freely or have penetrating sex.

Rumors about these rare conditions have probably contributed to the myth, but a more likely culprit is that, statistically, quite a lot of girls bleed during their first sex. A funny observation is that English Wikipedia lists numbers like ½ girls suffering from bleeding during their first sex, but when we measure the same here in Sweden, only 1/5 of girls bleed during their first sex.

I am not expert enough to tell why this difference exists. Still, even a grown woman will bleed after a lack of foreplay and rough penetration, so maybe it is as simple as societies that are too shy to talk about sex and nudity with their kids will increase the risk that the first sex is a bad experience.

[Mikey]

On 9/11/2024 at 10:32 PM, WarrenTheConey said:

As for your question, in order to be comfortable with anything, a person needs exposure to the thing, whatever it is. This does not mean that the person has to engage with this thing directly; In fact indirect exposure to things often creates a romanticized look on them.

Your girl could be thinking about how her friends sometimes talk about their sexual experiences and she could form an opinion of what she thinks she would like, or how she would feel, or what she would do, as a result. Then she could try exploring her own body in a comfortable space at her own leisure.

If you don't want to take time to show those experiences, then you can have her think back to these as experiences that have already happened to her.

The most important thing however, is that she needs to be comfortable with the person she is going to be sexual with. If she doesn't trust that person, she won't be comfortable doing anything with whoever she's with. You're going to need to show that trust in some way, if you want it to be believable.

This brings me to think that it could be a good idea to write her fantasizing about sex; whatever the way she has been exposed to it.

This might stir up her sex drive would also level up her expectations about her first time.

Would it be a good concept to have a girl with a high sex drive that exudes through her natural attributes and charms, but that she only commits to a few partners.

Maybe she does not intend to be that charming, but it is through the eyes of the beholders that it is shown : like she has the impression that she is often stared at or the way the people are talking about her, assuming that she is what she is not.

[WarrenTheConey]

On 9/12/2024 at 1:42 AM, Thundercloud said:

The real-world hymen is not a membrane at all but mucosal folds. Nothing that needs to be penetrated to have sex. Your average three-year-old girl and a woman who has given birth have mucosal folds that look pretty much the same. Puberty introduces hormones that make it easier to handle penetration, but it does not make any membrane disappear. If we speak about even younger girls than three or four years old, the folds are affected by different hormones and look different, but it is still not a membrane.

There exists a rare medical condition called Hymen imperforatus, meaning the cells did not die as intended during the development of the body, so there is no opening. It happens between 1/1000 and 1/10000, depending on what ethnically we are talking about. This is a condition that needs to be fixed before the girl has their first bleeding. Some girls also have this condition partially and might need surgery to be able to insert a tampon freely or have penetrating sex.

Rumors about these rare conditions have probably contributed to the myth, but a more likely culprit is that, statistically, quite a lot of girls bleed during their first sex. A funny observation is that English Wikipedia lists numbers like ½ girls suffering from bleeding during their first sex, but when we measure the same here in Sweden, only 1/5 of girls bleed during their first sex.

I am not expert enough to tell why this difference exists. Still, even a grown woman will bleed after a lack of foreplay and rough penetration, so maybe it is as simple as societies that are too shy to talk about sex and nudity with their kids will increase the risk that the first sex is a bad experience.

I agree with most of what you said. But I wanted to point out that my use of the word 'membrane' is correct, since the word membrane refers to something that could be considered a lining. And I also want to point out that I said 'break' since it's delicate flesh, I did not say 'penetrate'.

I was just saying there are girls with hymens, to let people know the 'trope' could still be deployed, but to be accurate to life, it should be done so in a much more subtle manner.

[WarrenTheConey]

16 hours ago, Mikey said:

This brings me to think that it could be a good idea to write her fantasizing about sex; whatever the way she has been exposed to it.

This might stir up her sex drive would also level up her expectations about her first time.

Would it be a good concept to have a girl with a high sex drive that exudes through her natural attributes and charms, but that she only commits to a few partners.

Maybe she does not intend to be that charming, but it is through the eyes of the beholders that it is shown : like she has the impression that she is often stared at or the way the people are talking about her, assuming that she is what she is not.

If you're asking for my opinion, It looks like a good idea.

If you're having trouble describing your character, I could suggest a writing exercise I like to do, if you'd like.

[Mikey]

11 hours ago, WarrenTheConey said:

If you're asking for my opinion, It looks like a good idea.

If you're having trouble describing your character, I could suggest a writing exercise I like to do, if you'd like.

Go ahead.

I am always eager to learn.

[WarrenTheConey]

13 hours ago, Mikey said:

Go ahead.

I am always eager to learn.

When I make a completely original character, I ask myself, what do I absolutely want from this character? Then I write down a short list of thing what I want from that character.

--- A girl who is comfortable with her sexuality.

--- She has some exposure to sexual concepts.

--- She has no first hand experience with sexual activities.

Then for each one of those things, I make a list of all the thing things I can think of, that could be associated with them.

+++ A girl who is comfortable with her sexuality.

--- She could be an irresponsible girl, only interested in having fun.
--- She could be a very responsible girl, who believes that if she practices safe sex, then she shouldn't worry about what society thinks.
--- She could be open about her sexuality to others.
--- She could prefer to keep her sexual experiences to herself.
--- She could dress provocatively.
--- She could dress modestly.
--- She could have one partner who she is very active with.
--- She could start with one partner then leave that partner for another in a short amount of time.
--- She could have multiple partners, who she meets at different times.

+++ She has some exposure to sexual concepts.

--- She could have overheard her friends talking about their sexual experiences.
--- She could be in a position to spy on a couple and their intimate time together.
--- She could be interested in shows or books that often show suggestive things.
--- She could have access to some form of pornography.
--- She could take an interest in masturbation as entertainment or stress relief.

+++ She has no first hand experience with sexual activities.

--- She could have seen someone naked in person, but nothing else.
--- She could have handled a person's body at some point for some reason, but nothing beyond touching.
--- She has had absolutely no sexual experience at all.
--- She had a partner before, but they only held hands, kissed and cuddled.

Now we can remove what we don't want, keep what we like and build on our character further, by thinking about what we can infer about the character, from the things we decided to keep.

I also do this when I'm trying to make a story. It's a simple thing that I do, but I hope it can help you.

Edited September 15 by WarrenTheConey

[Mikey]

I does actually help alot too.

Thank you Warren

Edited September 15 by Mikey