Help on having a first-person narrator describe his or her own voice without coming off as either a bad author or crazy first-person

[Wilde_Guess]

Hi all.

I’m looking for some suggestions/examples on how to have a first-person narrator describe their own speaking voice without coming off as either a narcissist or being written by a bad author.

Why?  In the one review I received on Riding the Lincoln Way, the reviewer stated that they believed the first person narrator spoke “robotically,” and in monotone.  That is the farthest thing from the way I “hear” that character speak, or for that matter any of the main characters.  While all the “under eighteen” characters speak “better than their ages,” they also possess and express the full range of emotions.

For example, in the first chapter, four characters actually speak.  All four have a “Chicago-midwest” accent and speak English.  The “under-eighteen” characters speak in a “natural” register appropriate for their given ages.  Otherwise, they match with the examples below.

Danny Dvorak (14)—Robert DeNiro in character in a Martin Scorsese film.   In real life when not acting, Robert DeNiro does (supposedly) speak like a monotone robot, so no joy there.  Danny is also just a little bit of a “wise-ass” and joker, despite his severe looking yet handsome face.  He is naturally outgoing.  He has a nasty temper.  However, since he grew up in a house with two redheads, he’s gotten used to not losing his temper, and thinking things through.

Michael Dvorak (13)—Joe Pesci, likewise in-character.  While he doesn’t hold grudges, he can become obsessed with things.  He’s naturally shy with strangers, but has had to “work” through that shyness more than often enough.  Once any “shyness” is done away with, he can be so enthusiastic that he literally takes you along for the ride with him.  His temper is near-legendary.  It’s also near-unpredictable, since his face naturally portrays happiness, even when he’s actually sad or furious.

John Dvorak (37)—Gregory Peck, especially in-character as Atticus Finch from the film version of To Kill a Mockingbird.

Delilah Johnson (16)—Lauren Bacall.

Thanks in advance. 

 

[Wilde_Guess]

Hi, Desiderius Price.

1 hour ago, Desiderius Price said:

I can’t fully answer this, but I’ll muddle through it

Well, suppose you could try one of those text-to-speech browser plugins, hear it spoken aloud.  Another idea is to vary the speech tags a bit, so more than “I said”, use “shouted”, “whispered”, “snapped”, “blurted” etc.  If they’re angry, add in something physical, slamming a door for instance.

Unless you’re a teacher or got kids in the age range, it’s going to be tough to get this “right”.  But consider the range of vocabulary, the complexity of the sentences, and whether they’re mature enough to consider the impact of those sentences before they utter them.  Obviously, it’ll get richer as they grow up.

Ough, kay?  Take a big chug of ‘F??kitol’ and write a full paragraph monograph or two it is, then.

I’ve also been double-checking the speech tags, and changing them up as I’ve revised.

Almost all the ‘under eighteen’ main characters speak at above their grade-level to well-above their grade level to at least some degree.  The one exception is three years old, and is the younger sister to one of the later-introduced main characters.  She’s mostly part of the background, but does speak when she shows up.

Reading back to the notes in the review-response, I’ll also try to feed some additional facial expressions in where I can...

[BronxWench]

I would be curious as to why the reviewer felt the narrator spoke “robotically.” It’s hard for me to decide what they meant by that. Is the speech pattern stiff and/or stilted, or does the reviewer find the narration to be lacking the spontaneity that generally occurs in verbal communication?

I almost never write in the first person, because it’s not my preferred method, but I have done it. It’s tricky, I will admit, to get the voice across. I do use actions, and I do have my narrator reveal his thoughts and emotions to add some clarity. But the biggest thing I do is to read my dialogue out loud. If it doesn’t flow from my tongue, it won’t flow in the reader’s (figurative) ears. But that’s simply my way of handling it, and I won’t ever pretend I know more than the next bloke about how to write.

[Wilde_Guess]

Hi, BronxWench.

1 hour ago, BronxWench said:

I would be curious as to why the reviewer felt the narrator spoke “robotically.” It’s hard for me to decide what they meant by that. Is the speech pattern stiff and/or stilted, or does the reviewer find the narration to be lacking the spontaneity that generally occurs in verbal communication?

I almost never write in the first person, because it’s not my preferred method, but I have done it. It’s tricky, I will admit, to get the voice across. I do use actions, and I do have my narrator reveal his thoughts and emotions to add some clarity. But the biggest thing I do is to read my dialogue out loud. If it doesn’t flow from my tongue, it won’t flow in the reader’s (figurative) ears. But that’s simply my way of handling it, and I won’t ever pretend I know more than the next bloke about how to write.

 

The review was from 2018, and only covered Chapter 1..  The reviewer hasn’t posted anything since then.  I’ve made minor edits to Chapter 1 and other chapters since then.  Since the Archive opened back up last month, I’ve also done and uploaded major edits on the first eighteen chapters, and I’m working through the rest.  So for all I know, I might have already fixed at least the worst of it without realizing it.

Since the one review is the only review, and since the review was generally favorable, I’m reluctant to delete it.  Yet, while I’ve worked on making the story on the page match the story in my mind, I’m not confident that I’ve actually done it.

Thanks.

[Wilde_Guess]

Since the last post, I’ve re-revised Chapter 1, along with Chapters 3 and 4.  I added voice descriptions to each character as they’ve appeared, along with their physical descriptions.  I actually should have done a better job with that in the first place, and I had been leaving readers ‘in the dark’ about one of the main character’s appearance for an entire chapter.

I’ve also been generous with my use of the thesaurus to vary the speech tags, and make them more accurate, as well as mentioning moods of the speakers.

Thanks, all.