Jokes

[Anonymous_Nanotyrannus]

This thread is just to tell jokes, that's it.

Clean jokes

Bad jokes

Dirty Jokes

Tasteless Jokes

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Getting Raped.

[Wicked_Kitten.]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway..

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[DarkCabaret]

Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed, one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating."

Her friend replied, "Don't do anything. Just ignore it."

The first girl said, "I can't."

Her friend, "Why can't you ignore it?"

The first one says, "Because he's using my hand!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

[Wicked_Kitten.]

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

** Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,

you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[Wicked_Kitten.]

Lesson 2

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized. “Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

** Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

[Wicked_Kitten.]

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Pouf! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Pouf! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up next,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

** Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say

[Wicked_Kitten.]

Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed

the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the

bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second

branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

** Moral of the story:

Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[Wicked_Kitten.]

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the

frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A

passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

** Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy;

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[DarkCabaret]

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

[Saitochan]

There was once a little African-American Child traveling on a plane with his father.

Suddenly, the plane starts having engine trouble, so it needs to lose some weight.

After throwing all the luggage out of the plane, it still needs to lose more weight, so a fly attendant gives the following message to the passengers: "Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, but we need to lose weight. We need to throw off passengers according to their ethnicity. We'll do this in alphabetical order. Could all the African-Americans please jump off the plane?"

The little kid turns to his father and asks him: "Daddy? Aren't we African Americans?" and his father answers him: "No son, we're not African Americans."

Then the fly attendant says: "Could all the black people jump off the plane?"

The kid asks his father again: "Dad, are we black people?" and the father says "No, we're not black people."

The fly attendant then says "Could all the colored people jump off the plane?"

and again the kid asks "Dad, aren't we colored people?" to which the father answers "No, we're not colored people."

Then the fly attendant asks "Could all the dark colored people jump off the plane?"

And the kid asks "Hey dad, we're dark colored people, right?" and the father answers: No son, we're not."

The kid loses his patience and asks his father "Then, what are we?

and the father answers him "Son, we're niggers, and we go after the Mexicans"

[Wicked_Kitten.]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to p!ss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled

around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that

large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I f*cking didn't"

[Wicked_Kitten.]

Three dead bodies turn up at the Woodstock morgue, all with very big smiles on their faces. Along with them comes a Inspector Andries to find out how they died.

'First body: David from Bishop's Court, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,'

says the Coroner.

'Second body: Andrew from Hanover Park , 25, won a million rand in the lottery, spent it all on cheap wine. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Smiley, a bergie from Gugulethu , 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken!'

[Wicked_Kitten.]

They live among us...

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where???"

***

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east,

and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

****

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

***

I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had a 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kg.

***

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car - it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot.

***

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain ripout every time she turned her head?" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no

matter which way the head is turned.

***

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"

***

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cutinto 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

******

What's really scary is...

not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!

[Animedevildog]

Whats grosser than gross?

Having a dream that your eating cottage cheese and then you wake up to find your grandmother sitting on your face!

Whats grosser than that?

You like it!

Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken!

[Animedevildog]

This guy walks into the bar and sits down to have a pint of bitter. The bartender asks him how his night went.

"It went great! I found this woman down by the railroad tracks and took her home with me. I fucked her in the bed, I fucked her on the floor, I fucked her on the counter, I fucked her on the kitchen table..."

The bartender shakes his head. "You have all the luck. Tell me, what did she look like?"

The guy looks up and says, "I don't know. I never found her head."