Thundercloud's Review Responses

[Thundercloud]

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G.S.P. (Revised) Review of Chapter 13 From InBrightestDay on November 23, 2020
At long last, here we are.

Chapter 13

The story of the G.S.P. comes to a close with a pretty huge confrontation and immense revelations about our main character.  I can't even remotely discuss those outside of the spoiler section, but they do finally explain the mystery of who this woman is.

Yep,  it is quite an fight here. I suppose you know understand why I have been looking forward for us to compare notes about the final battles of your The Woman in Statue story and the G.S.P. There are obvious parallels since final boss fight need to play out with some basic structure to work. One of your reviews talked about anime style ending and I think that is quite on the spot. The final battle I am aiming for the in G.S.P. is not as much anime but more aimed at the superhero comics style of action….or maybe an RPG style of battle.

One thing I have been thinking about when I return to read the story  it is that my chapter 12 really has the final battle villain happening off screen so to say with focus on horror/erotic/character scenes. In chapter 13 I did reverse this and have a large part of the chapter devoted to actual battle while things happening to Fang and Avalanche that are ideas worthy to be chapters on they own are not given any screen time at all. As far as I can recall this not really any deliberate choice but just sort of happened as I was writing.

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As a finale, this does something interesting: it closes out the main storyline, the plot that's been running since the first chapter, but at the same time very much allows for further adventures should the author desire...which actually feels very fitting for a superhero story.

You are really building the case for why I should return to this setting with more stories forthe superheroes. Having a new generation of heroes doing superhero stuff while the G.S.P. heroes make appearances that shows what has happened in the twenty years since the original story is an idea that has clear merit.

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SPOILERS BELOW

Once again, it is amusing how superheroes end up facing just as much trouble from politics and bureaucracy as they do from actual supervillains.  Similar to Fang having trouble investigating City Hall due to her magical aura looking like a fire hazard, here we have the entire G.S.P. being shut down due to pure politics.  I definitely chuckled when they mentioned that nobody cares about them saving New York because it's not a swing state.

Good to hear that you chuckled...the reactions to New Yorks trouble this spring are making my joke about it not being a swing state a bit too close to the reality for it to feel comfortable to me.

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  Firefly's line about not expecting their tenure as a super team to end this way was pretty fitting, although how she said it...

"I always thought we would finally stumble into some kind of enemy that was more than we could chew. The team just getting shut down seems like an unsatisfying ending.

...I mean, this is kind of anticlimactic, sure, but getting taken out by a supervillain would mean you all get murdered.  This is more boring but, well, you live.  So, you know, silver lining.

It is not something I really touched in the story, but the intention when I created the setting was that permanent death for superheroes is not common. Not as extreme as the Marvel comics eternal circle of resurrecting heroes and villains and retrofitting everything to an entirely new plot, but the intention was that most superheroes eventually retire after losing one fight too many and feeling they have lost their edge. As for the villains they of course always survive to come back for yet another evil scheme.

When looking back at the story I realize that this aspect did not survive from storyboard to the real story. Over the story there are quite many villains and some heroes that bite to dust without the heroes really reacting on their death. Quite many of the kills can of course be attributed too Blade/Jennifer being quite savage and bloodthirsty, but the lack of reaction from the others suggest they are a bit jaded from seeing bad stuff happen between heroes and villains (and the unfortunate bystanders that dragged into it). A setting that developed in its own direction after my plan was done…

The reason for this long explanation was to show that the intention was for Firefly to except many in the team injured after a big defeat but she did not expect a total party kill as an expected outcome. Of course I from narrative viewpoint meant her comment as a setup for possibility that the heroes might run into something they cannot defeat.

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I also enjoyed the momentary speculation about whether or not Damien Primrose is The Omen Damien.

I wrote that part after learning that a female friend had decided to name her son Damien. Considering that it is not a Swedish name at all my only reference was the Omen movie and I was like why-oh-why?

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As this is the finale, it's fitting that everyone gets something to do.  Mindeye's new power lacks any offensive use, though, being better at intelligence gathering, so it makes sense that he has his finger on the pulse of events in DC while Avalanche is present for the actual battle (the demons have been established as being pretty much immune to telepathy anyway).

Speaking of that battle, the assault on the tower was great.  Everybody gets something to do, and the fight against Asthachak is seriously intense, blowing walls off the building and everything, and pushing everyone to the point of desperation with the demon lord’s sheer power.

I spent quite a bit time thinking about the risk of quite many of the heroes, including Blade, being a bit too Mary Sueish with powers that are just too potent for the ending to be thrilling. The solution was obvious when I realized that Blade’s power supercharged to the level of their enemy would mean that any hero would be in for a real challenge no matter their powers.

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Also there's this:

"The demon lord Asthachak!" the demon squealed.

"Talk to me, what can it do?" Jennifer urged.

"Everything, it is fucking demon lord.

I laughed so hard there.  I could freaking hear the mix of sarcasm and fear in that last part.

I think the further fight succeeded with showing that the demon’s warning was quite right. Against the Obliterator the team entered combat with something that is really dangerous but they have a plan for how to deal with the enemy and a very powerful ally. In the final battle the heroes have a shit plan and the reader has in the previous fight against the Obliterator learned how dangerous these kind of enemies can be.

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And then...man, this was a heck of a reveal!  It does answer how a demon got randomly stuck in Jennifer's body: it wasn't random, and this is the demon's purgatory, in a way, a path for her to seek redemption through displaying virtue on Earth, with the amnesia being a way to ensure her actions were pure rather than being motivated by self-interest.  If I'm reading this correctly, it caused a sort of dissociative identity problem, leading to the two different personas before the moment of realization at the end when they merge.

Actually it is more like that the one that put her there deliberately caused the two personas to avoid the demon falling back into bad habits just because she has expectations about how she is supposed to behave. Forcing her to talk to herself allow more possibility to introspection and making the right choices. I could certainly have done a better way to explain this to the reader.

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As a conclusion, there are still things left unresolved.  Where do they all go from here?  What does their future look like?  Where does Blade's career as a heroine go?  I actually rather like this, because it fits with the story structure I'd mentioned in previous chapters.

I have always wondered how the obvious sex orgy that follows the ending play out...but I decided that trying to end with such scene would lessen the impact of the victory compared to the open ending.

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I mentioned at some point that G.S.P. isn't structured like a novel, but rather like a comic book series.  I think this ending works very well for that.  It serves as a conclusion, since it brings the plot that started all of this (the monster attacks on New York City) to a close, and answers the question posed by the first chapter or two (what's going on with this amnesiac woman?), but the stuff left unresolved very much provides a sense that things can continue.  The team may no longer be government sponsored, but there's no reason they can't keep working together as superheroes.  Blade has learned why she's here, but her story is far from over.  Asthachak has been sent back to the demon realm, but given Blade's status as a demon who "abandoned" them, there may be lasting enmity that could drive a future threat, not to mention all the dangers a world of supers inherently presents.

In other words, this story is over, but these characters can all have further adventures, and those adventures would feel like an organic continuation, just like further issues in a comic book series.

All in all, I've quite enjoyed this, and if you do write more stories in this setting, I'll be back to read those as well.  No pressure, of course, and I know you have some other stuff you felt I would be interested in.

I might actually have something small in development...no promises it will be done in any reasonable time span of course but all your constructive thoughts about the stories have me started to consider doing shorter novels while I consider if I should do something longer.

[Thundercloud]

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The Tale about the Laughter of Azbezil (revised) Review of prologue From JayDee on November 18, 2020
Proglogue, (posted as chapter 1 on AFF)

A delightful surprise to have two reviews of this story waiting for me, here is some review responses.

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The framing device is great! When there was the first interruption to the story it sort of threw me, but then when it continued happening it really felt like a tale told in a tavern of an evening. I hope the farmer comes back in future chapters to wind up the storyteller! And even there, you’ve got some interestingly mysterious threads – the similarly named inn, the guy with the gold – who we must assume comes back later.

That particular farmer was just used to allow me some foreshadowing at the end of the chapter, but there are more interruptions coming...some of them are meant to be funny.

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Then the story within the story  - good start! – I liked the way that there’s another layer of story within the story with the story told of the prophesy. Sexwise -when it happens, it’s hot! Pymaria’s an interesting character so far, and I really thought her father was a fun character too. Something so very fantasy setting about him.

I like the observation about the father and his Inn grounding the story as a fantasy setting.

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SPOILER REVIEW!

Some specific bits that I liked –

Bardium Strong-grip’s name and the general air of -retired-to-run-an-inn-but-badass – attitude her has about himself.

Someday I should really figure out what adventure that gave him his name...

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No wonder Prox was especially keen to put a good bit of distance behind himself before taking his ‘fuck the hot wench’ plan further. Not a very likeable guy – his plan was particularly sleazy and it seems he really didn’t have the skills to back it up long term- it was fucking great when Pymaria kicked him in the nuts so hard he passed out. Musta damn near receded his balls.

Pymaria’s dodging of assault in this chapter and the farmer’s reaction to the storyteller’s cockblocking really was pretty funny. Scary rich guy hopefully hasn’t chased him off for the rest of the chapters.

The giant Cyclops guy, I liked the physical description of when he got ahold of Pymaria, especially the mess he was making, but it sounds like physically going further would have put a shorter end on the story. And, ok, Prox actually does something vaguely decent for once in his life, but I guess that ends up breaking the magic binding so he fucked that up too. So fuck him!

Yep, he very much received what he deserved.

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The bound prince! Seemed like a good guy, right? I think the only thing that makes him suspicious is his talk of marrying a commoner to try and manipulate Pymaria – and she totally spots that too, brains and beauty! Even then, I didn’t really notice it until the castle when shit starts getting freaky. I assume with the attack being so unexpected whatever magic defences they might have had just got overwhelmed.

The attack is of course unexpected, but it is mostly the attackers packing a very serious punch. I put the demons in this combat since I did not want the bad guy to show off his full potential in the prologue ofthe story, but the demons also wrap well into the future story. It is not until the actual heroes of the story enter the action in later chapters that kingdom get defenders that really take a stand in front of the badguys.

To play fair I should probably also mention that when I revised the story I tightened up the prince’s dialogue quite a bit here based on feedback I have gotten over the years. In the original text it was not as cleverly done and was much easier to spot the plot twist in advance.

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The description of the violated princess, chained there and leaking sperm is brutal – she really comes across like she’s been badly treated and in kind of shock, but pulling herself together enough to make the suggestion about the signet. With her being alive and cream pied I am really not sure if she does get to live, or if she is dead as the King considers likely later.

Quite brutal, Ezame’s story arc does not start with any kind of feel-good vibes. As you have already read further chapters so you know that she will be around to impact the future plot even if there will be quite some time before she dare to do anything that makes impact on the more large scale plot.

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As for the king! Well, bad guy should have made sure he was dead. I’m guessing the fact that Pymaria is able to take him directly to the house of the elf who can help is part of the same blessing being detected throughout – putting her into the right places – meeting Plox, running to the stones, getting out of the castle and on – sort of pushing her in the right direction – alternatively there’s the possibility of the storyteller simplifying things! Works on a meta level.

The woman in the green robe’s shipping is so blatant, and it’s because she has no time for the subtle. Talking to the wounded Davrion, getting Pymaria to promise assistance, and a really potent aphrodisiac into the bargain. The effect of that on Pymaria was definitely hot, and the fact she’s going to get pregnant nine times… wowser, well, one way to build an army. The line gently mocking him about the hymen made me laugh  -with, not against! – His ability to keep fucking and coming sounds like the basis of a happy sex life, and certainly helped with the hotness of the scene.

Good that you enjoyed it. This whole chapter started quite bare-bones with brushing over the same events without much detail...a reader prompted me that the lack of detail in the beginning was breaking stylewise from the rest of the story. This made me realize I needed to make it into a proper chapter.

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Finally back to the storyteller and, well, I hope he lives to spend his money.

Enjoyed it!

Will read more as I can! And I saw from that exchange with InBrightestDay that you kind of keep track of reviews either way! I don’t, so if I’m owing reviews this must count towards them, and if I’m not, don’t worry about it, you’ve probably read anything of mine worth reading and I’m sure I’ll write something new and better some day you could always review that if I do. Or not. Is all good.

I can always reread some of your better stuff if I don’t find something old that catch my interest. As for the idea of doing review exchanges is not a rule or anything...more like a guideline.

Edited November 24, 2020 by Thundercloud

[Thundercloud]

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The tale of the Laughter of Azbezil (revised) Review of Chapter 1 From JayDee on November 22, 2020
Part 2 of what, I see from the old unrevised copy, will apparently be at least 17 parts.

Actually it is just 1 prologue and 15 full length chapters. The final part is an epilogue that wrap up the meta story at the Inn and explain some story aspects to the regulars at the Inn, but it is rather short.

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Ah! So it was clearly guided magic causing the events last chapter. I bet that was clear, too, and I just somehow misread the line. My bad!

Well...it was written for it to be kind of subtle while it happened to keep the tension up. The good thing with the story structure is that I get plenty of chances of review the readers of what has happened before (and to drop some very subtle clues in dialogue at the Inn).

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This one had waay more sex in it than the prologue with one of the scenes being especially hot. In some ways more of a ‘lie of a land, meet some of the people involved’ chapter, but still with some events occurring. Pretty awesome extended fight scene too.

It is indeed quite some characters with plenty left to enter the fray. When I does the forum updates of me having finished yet another chapter I actually include a list of characters that will feature in the chapter. Not sure if any forum users cares enough to pay attention, but just maybe there might be somebody that likes to know if their favorite hero and bad guy might be up for a rematch in the new chapter.

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SPOILER PART OF REVIEW

I guess the timeskip will just be to take it from the prologue to the story-proper and that there won’t be the kids of the kids and their kids continuing the saga? I could guess wrong though!

*Laughing*...if I ever get around to doing a parody of the story I will keep that imagine in mind. Part of the reason for me smiling is that your line made me start thinking about Terry Brooks that in every book/part-of-series introduce the kids of the previous generation and to a large degree they are pretty much the same characters over and over again.

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A half-elf sucking off an elf in the woods was pretty hot, but that revelation at the end that it wasn’t just the elf coming on her face/hair… and it wasn’t the first time. Kinky as fuck, but hot. Those wacky tricksters eh? Funny, too, I liked how the tavern got a laugh from it.

*smiles* Trickster indeed. Also a great way to show the reader the powers of his magic.

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The bit about Duwlon getting into crafts and home inventions while not being so good at magic/weapons I imagined him whipping out a crayon drawing, but it totally makes sense having a good tactical brain. Fate again trying to get them all the skills they need?

Very much so, each of the Entaro siblings getting one of skills-set needed to combat the danger of Azbezil.

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Also straight up hilarious that his first question in the next paragraph is about the wet hair – spotting patterns indeed :D  haha nice.

A certain trickster might have bragged some about it before...

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I quite liked Duwlon here. It feels like such a blatant information gathering exercise that you’d think “Well, this can’t be a spy! Spy’s are subtle!”

It is intended that somebody with Duwlon’s aptitude is quite good at reading the situation and finding way to get people to talk. Him also being one of the best actors of the siblings also helps of course.

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Sounds like the Princess had had things really really rough since we last saw her. Married to a demon, with kids that could be the demon’s (or one of the other twos), could be Azbezil’s… and like 30+ years passed held by those fuckers. I’m certainly hoping she gets some measure of vengeance but maybe this is a bad-guys-win kind of world… too early to say.

They are very much Azbezil’s children, important prophecy stuff to fulfill and stuff like that...but there are a couple of chapters left until the heroes finds the prophecy itself.

As for the nature of the story I think I have given the game away to so when I said that InBrightestWay might enjoy the story. The bad guys will have plenty of success overthe course of the story and the heroes will be subject to quite a bit of brutal experiences but at the end of the day it is a story about how heroes combat evil and grow from the experience. The fact that the story teller can tell the story on the Inn is also kind of giveaway that the worst possible outcomes for the story will not come true.

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Also, smart way of showing his problem solving with the lever for getting the wagon out. one thing that jarred slightly, Tarben Agril says he is usually known as Tarben the Merchant, but later says if Duwlon is looking for work he should ask for Agril the Merchant – both are his names, but I wondered if it was significant, he’d suggest the one he isn’t usually known by? Like a code phrase to watch out for this fucker who turns up asking for him like that or something?

That is clever interpretation...but no...the intention was more here that Tarben Agril is used to be on first name basis with his customers but have realized that if shall be able to pass his business to his children he need to use the Agril name for the business.

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Back to the inn! The Storyteller getting annoyed about his possible tips and interruptions remains pretty funny. So we get a little more, it took place a long time ago in a country right, right, there. That makes me re-evaluate my earlier timeskip guess – if events could end up happening in the storyteller’s present. Definitely something going on with the serious fella with the gold.

*smiles*

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Enbon came across pretty badass for his part – even with his ‘aw crap’ moment when it turns out Zelak’s got all that demon size and strength – chronic hero syndrome to go rescue the girl – must have put the wind up Zelak to haves someone with a striking similarity burst in during his rape of the girl, and start a fight. It was a good fight though – felt a bit like the old style Robin Hood films where he’s darting about against the guards.

Trust that Zelak is very pissed about the development of the fight and wishing for a rematch. If you liked this fight I think you really will enjoy some of the later combats (mostly in parts I have sadly not manage to revise yet)

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With the sex scene, though it kind of came out of nowhere – and that line about how he “filled me with cum once” definitely felt like the tavern storyteller putting words in her mouth – it was pretty much the hottest yet – that awesome bit of cunnilingus before he manages to get inside her, then the spooning afterwards. Yum!

Maybe fate did intervene here and made things happening...

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The dwarves seeing right through Fenlyw’s true nature because he’s too fucking quiet was pretty cool. Great way to show that for all his training and skill there’s still loads to learn.

Elves fooling a dwarf is very hard in this setting. Without going too much into the mythology here each of the elemental races have an knack of spotting the magic of the other elemental races. Him being quiet here also helps them pinpoint him but it is mostly about their dwarven nature and him having elven blood.

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Was good to see that for all the cruelty Ezame is still unbroken in some ways, still kicking. Definitely wanting to see her get vengeance

Revenge is dish best served cold...especially considering the timespan needed for me being able to revise chapter 6-15.

[JayDee]

10 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

*smiles*

*Worries*

Interesting feedback on the feedback!

Getting onto reviewing the next part as soon as I can – I like to read them all in one go and sometimes twice through, and with the length it takes some chunks of time and I’ve been managing to write a bit more of a story just for me lately. I hope that’s ok for the delay!

[Thundercloud]

7 hours ago, JayDee said:

Getting onto reviewing the next part as soon as I can – I like to read them all in one go and sometimes twice through, and with the length it takes some chunks of time and I’ve been managing to write a bit more of a story just for me lately. I hope that’s ok for the delay!

Take the time you need. With awesome feedback like yours it is a sure delight to read.

[Thundercloud]

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The tale of the Laughter of Azbezil (revised) Review of Chapter 3 From JayDee on November 26, 2020

Chapter 3 – The Hidden Danger: The Lake of Three Flames.

Got kinda a complaint first: If you’ve got a pre-teen tasting her father’s stuff and then what you had next there should be a warning of this content first. I get that it isn’t especially sexualised, but it is what it is.

Sorry for this. I have considered making the scene even less sexualised so I can certainly see where you are coming from. If I could figure out a way to remove the event without losing the punch of how much that has changed by the end at the chapters by the lake I would not mind losing the scene...but the plot depend on some kind of sex magic happening here.

Following your feedback I think I will add an extra disclaimer at the start of the chapter that describe the situation and suggest how much text reader should jump ahead if they want to avoid the scene.

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if there’s more or similar with under-16/17 year olds in later chapters please let me know and I’ll hopefully manage to skip those parts. I nearly skipped here before seeing it was only a couple paragraphs.

There are no such scenes in rest of the chapters...except maybe if we are talking about things that happens off screen. In chapter 10 a under-16 year old will be kidnapped by a demon and never be seen again. The scene exist due to plot reasons but you don’t need much imagination to realize that the kids fate was horrible even it the bad stuff never is described.

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That bit aside, it was another entertaining chapter, a kind of stat building side quest in roleplaying terms, but also giving important information for later on. The main sex scene at the end was hot, and there were a few other lines that were sexy too.

Good to hear that you managed to enjoy the rest of the chapter.

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Enbon’s finally got some decent weapons too, so his next fight with one of those nasty princes might end up a bit more equal!

Assuming the bad guys don’t have even more powerful gear in store...

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SPOILER REVIEW Comments

I dunno why, but I really like your tavern business related scenes – like in the prologue with the old tavern owner feeling very fantasy setting here, Abend just feels very in the setting, from his willingness to screw them over before deciding they deserved their change, to his desire to serve his Lord and protect Trioni.

Obviously he is a very trusted subject of the Lord to have been given the duty to hide Trioni.

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Trioni and Larion’s discussion was fun too – Trioni perfectly happy to talk about getting herself licked with her boyfriend’s sister, heh. Larion coming out and revealing she wasn’t pregnant must have been a load off, although presumably with the comment she’s at her fertile time that may not last much longer…

I can think of smarter things to do than getting a bastard when you are hiding from the prince of the realm….

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For the maze itself, I didn’t quite understand why there was a blocked door for them – there was kind of a suggestion it was to make them try something that wasn’t their strength, but Enbon was mostly fighting people and getting annoyed.

The path he took was really about not getting seduced and be unfaithful to his prospect girlfriend. The maze presents him with fights is so he get somebody to save as pretext for the seduction attempt.

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Larion finding herself getting aroused and having her skirt yanked up was pretty hot – Kodol getting his clothes off so quickly was pretty funny – although you gotta feel for him, lured into a trap and died years before, then re-animated just to take a half-elf strength kick in the groin. Ouch!

He should have done better background checking before he tried to raid the maze.

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Helian going into the water and coming back grown up after a line in the future – did not see that coming! So, another time skip I didn’t predict… It’s a good way to get another adult character in though, and adult Helian sounds hot.

Quite important plot wise also...having six loyal children has not the same ring as seven children.

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As I mentioned earlier that whole section was pretty hot – the coupling with Helian on Larion’s face while their brother fucks her really works, with the magic control in the mix. The magic-hair-removal seemed kind of out of nowhere, but I guess in that future version of the cult Helian picked up some specific tastes as well as her duty…

If you ask me privately I have no real interest in shaved pussy since I find the natural look much more sexy...but the idea to use the magic effect to show off Helian’s magic was just too good to not use. 

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Does seem a little sad for Larion that she’s basically a magically bound slave to the sister she was trying to help. Hopefully she’ll be able to get some of her own back!

Kodol is not the only one that should have done more background checking.

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I hope you're not offended by my comment at the start. That bit kind of came out of nowhere and made me feel really bad and I thought I'd be honest in the review. Otherwise a really solid chapter.

No problem at all. A honest review is way better than anything too polished.

[JayDee]

12 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

Sorry for this. I have considered making the scene even less sexualised so I can certainly see where you are coming from. If I could figure out a way to remove the event without losing the punch of how much that has changed by the end at the chapters by the lake I would not mind losing the scene...but the plot depend on some kind of sex magic happening here.

Following your feedback I think I will add an extra disclaimer at the start of the chapter that describe the situation and suggest how much text reader should jump ahead if they want to avoid the scene.

There are no such scenes in rest of the chapters...except maybe if we are talking about things that happens off screen. In chapter 10 a under-16 year old will be kidnapped by a demon and never be seen again. The scene exist due to plot reasons but you don’t need much imagination to realize that the kids fate was horrible even it the bad stuff never is described.

I’m really, genuinely, absolutely not offering any criticism of what you wrote, or having it in your story, or you! Some folks have different tastes and some stories just want to be told a certain way. It was solely about the need for the warning, so I absolutely appreciate you tossing one in. Thanks for the info on the rest of it as well – implied stuff isn’t such an issue, for example I can just imagine that the demon randomly decided that the kid should go to bording school in another world, grew up ok, and ended up woking in one of those shops that sells magic items that is never there when you go back. I mean, take my story ‘Whore of Heaven’ – Eparlegna takes over a chunk of city and everybody dies which implies babies got eaten. I just didn’t think about it, or whatever. Implied stuff doesn’t really hit the same as explicit! Thanks again for the new disclaimer, is appreciated.

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Good to hear that you managed to enjoy the rest of the chapter.

Absolutely did!

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I can think of smarter things to do than getting a bastard when you are hiding from the prince of the realm…. 

Well, sure, but she does seem quite horny given how quick she was to jump bones in the cave so I wondered if the fertility was foreshadowing

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If you ask me privately I have no real interest in shaved pussy since I find the natural look much more sexy...but the idea to use the magic effect to show off Helian’s magic was just too good to not use. 

I totally get where that comes from– I had the same wanting to show off an idea in my Shokan story, with literally razor sharp nails… it’s like “Bush is cool, but this description sounds neat!”

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Kodol is not the only one that should have done more background checking.

Background check tho…

“The water could cure your sister.”

“That’s good.”

“It will also turn her into a sex obssesed cult member from the future.”

“That’s bad.”

“The sex’ll be pretty great though.”

“...that’s good.”

...sorry, Simpsons.

 

Edited November 27, 2020 by JayDee

[Thundercloud]

9 hours ago, JayDee said:

Thanks for the info on the rest of it as well – implied stuff isn’t such an issue, for example I can just imagine that the demon randomly decided that the kid should go to bording school in another world, grew up ok, and ended up woking in one of those shops that sells magic items that is never there when you go back.

Actually that does sound like a kind of funny story idea.

A demon that hunts good people to make sure they are not around to do good deeds. If he kill them they will reborn so better to keep them alive and semi happy away from people they could save…

9 hours ago, JayDee said:

Background check tho…

“The water could cure your sister.”

“That’s good.”

“It will also turn her into a sex obssesed cult member from the future.”

“That’s bad.”

“The sex’ll be pretty great though.”

“...that’s good.”

...sorry, Simpsons

*smiles*

Checking the number of times somebody decide to lock away good magic behind death traps might be a good start...but the Simpson style decision is also have merits if you want lots of sex.
 

[Thundercloud]

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The Tale about the Laughter of Azbezil Review of part 4 From JayDee on November 29, 2020
Chapter 4 The Hidden Danger – The Secrets of the City

Not that it matters much...in case I sound confused about the chapter numbers….after I expanded the prologue to be a full chapter-length it gets kind of confusing. The Secrets of the City would logically be chapter 3 of the main story. With AFF numbering the parts I ended with “4. Chapter 3 The Secrets of the City” and that sounded kind of iffy so I changed it to “4. The Hidden Danger  – The Secrets of the City” since it belong to that story arc (that would be a stand alone book if I ever got around to self publish the story). I am totally fine with you calling it chapter 4 since it is obviously chapter 4 on AFF in practice but mentally it is still chapter 3 for me so I might confuse myself a bit when I talk about the chapters.

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Another solid part, providing info, showing the preparations. There’s one absolutely brutal kick and some great funny bits here!

Thank you for the encouragement. I like how you call it preparations…it is kind of telling that after 4 parts Cymari Entaro had still not been given any real scenes…she is up in the next chapter. There are also some important characters introduced in part 6 but after that all major characters will have been added.

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SPOILER PART OF REVIEW

Fenlyw getting pissed off during the debate and making the desert illusion was pretty funny. It’s not much of an argument but it sure is convincing!

The benefit of being the favorite son, you don’t need to play fair while debating. I also thought that it might be good to show the reader that his illusions cover all five senses since this kind of potent Illusion magic is not quite standard in most fantasy settings.

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I guess the conflict between them over who should be leader could have bad implications later – worse even than having one daughter as a pervert sister-slaver – on account of being all divided makes it hard to unite against the bad guys?

You will have to wait and see...that particular conflict plays out mostly in the story arc named “The War of Sorrow” so it will be quite some time until you get to read it.

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Glarin… I mean he’s a bit of a little bastard but you kind of have to admire him hiding his manipulation under directness. Azbezil’s reaction to him pointing out he was there just for the gold was pretty cool, “Yup, he’s direct, he just wants the gold” without any idea the dwarf is banging his daughter. – that said I thought the idea of him working on a way to turn the magic armour against its owner was pretty cool and original. Ezame getting incredibly wet and loving that big dwarf dick was, well, at least that part makes her happy!

Little bastard...try to tell that to a dwarf and survive.

As for Ezame starting to like the experience her previous sex partners are kind of lowest of the lowest and making sure the Glarin stays around is her only shield from further abuse from her uncle and a certain demon so she has plenty of motivation to look for good things in the current setup.

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Talinda getting a break from the faces full of elf and half-elf sperm there… Getting her down in the street and just raping her face seems like ol’ Iffer painting a target on his back there. He got out thieved by Talinda so maybe not the brightest?

Probably not the brightest thing...but Talinda’s hands is also kind of tied by her needing to get into the circle of thieves. Killing high ranking members of the thief’s guild when you are newbee in the guild that stole and spent his money is obviously not the way to get in good graces of the leader of the guild. Talinda returning the money would probably been the more wise choice.

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This line here “Talinda still had got the taste of Iffer's sweat and seed ejection in her mouth and was in a foul mood.” Just really liked it for some reason. As unpleasant it seemed for her that kick in the crotch for her brother… OW! Dude must have nuts of iron to keep straight after her and keep talking. Maybe the real toughest brother! Unless the next bit starts “…and since the kick, Duwlon was the newest sister…”

I doubt that Enbon or Fenlyw would have allowed the kick to connect so we will never know….or perhaps not in a very long time.

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Feel bad for that one boy called Sod. Presume it doesn’t mean anything there, but in English it can have unfortunate implications even with the clean meaning! Or maybe it does mean something there and it isn’t only carts he gets in mud holes. Also, another laugh out loud moment at Duwlon’s thought reaction here –.

The intention here is Tarben Agril offfically means that it play into the meaning “grass”...but I also meant it to show to reader a bit about who Tarben Agril is when he has given the boy a short name that is not very nice.

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Tysania cutting through every rom-com convention going as the hard-working career woman, instead of slow seduction her sister’s like “bone him!” and she’s like “ok” heh, it seemed a little sudden, but presumably the little sis knew her were enough that she guessed how it’d pan out.You do cover her talking lots after all. Tysania’s irritation when Duwlon just comes straight away on his first time was pretty funny – although sounds like she gets as much as she can handle the rest of the night.

Probably more than she could handle. I wanted the scene to show that Myan is quite perspective about her big sister.

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Also nice bit on him completely truthfully describing himself as a prince in disguise to appeal to her noble fantasy.

Actually that is a bit of foreshawowing here...not Duwlon’s smartest moment if you ask me.

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Bwa ha ha, two more really funny bits – the General getting smacked from the deception, and that cry of “Catch the nude girl with the sack!” (and it isn’t even a futa story! :p) When word of that gets around she’ll have to pay her 10% for sure…

I had loads of fun coming up with that scene. Getting both to show how quick Talinda is think  when in trouble but also that she makes plenty of beginners mistakes.

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So… was that demons Talinda was listening in on? Feels like that implication from him killing the paladins. And those 13 fresh ones… not gonna be apples is it? Another bastard here I suspect. Good way to drip feed some more information to the reader without info-dumping it.

Yep it is demons...in a previous versions of the story the name of the general was given so the reader could match it to the prologue...but when I revised it I realized that Talinda herself should have learnt the names from Pyrmaria and that made it kind of hard to explain how she could dare going there if she knew it was demons so I cut the names. The story about the paladins might be worth to remember until a certain scene in part 6 of the story...

[JayDee]

2 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

Little bastard...try to tell that to a dwarf and survive.
 

Reminds me of how in Discworld ordering a “short” in a Dwarf bar was recorded as suicide by the watch and not murder.

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Actually that is a bit of foreshawowing here...not Duwlon’s smartest moment if you ask me.

Yes, given how much money his new buddy is making from the king’s army trade dropping hints about being an enemy possibly not the wisest come to that.

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Yep it is demons...in a previous versions of the story the name of the general was given so the reader could match it to the prologue...but when I revised it I realized that Talinda herself should have learnt the names from Pyrmaria and that made it kind of hard to explain how she could dare going there if she knew it was demons so I cut the names. The story about the paladins might be worth to remember until a certain scene in part 6 of the story...

My memory is terrible! They could be walking knee deep through paladin parts and I’d be like “Was that mentioned before?”

[Thundercloud]

On 11/29/2020 at 6:49 PM, JayDee said:

Reminds me of how in Discworld ordering a “short” in a Dwarf bar was recorded as suicide by the watch and not murder.

It is a very good joke...I have actually seen it reused on a LARP when a character died and report read suicide by six crossbow bolts.

On 11/29/2020 at 6:49 PM, JayDee said:

My memory is terrible! They could be walking knee deep through paladin parts and I’d be like “Was that mentioned before?”

I think it might be all the looking-for-foreshadowing that is the reason...

[Thundercloud]

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The Tale about the Laughter of Azbezil (Revised) Review of The Signet Ring from JayDee on November 29, 2020

Two reviews in one day! Hitting a writer’s block on my writing again gave me some free time

Sorry to hear that, hopefully you will back on track soon.

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SPOILER REVIEW Comments below.

I thought it was pretty cool also how Cymari tried talking to the Hydra and then, when it didn’t work, just shooting it in the eyes. Short fight but effective! The mention of the statue of the very short king – made me wonder if one of the dwarf’s ancestors had been doing his Mother behind his father’s back. Family tradition, knocking up humans!

Fun thought...but no the dwarves are very rare. The common knowledge is that dwarves are extinct except very small clusters of survivors that is dwindling in numbers due to low numbers. Eventually the main group of dwarves are set to return...but that is another story than the current one.

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The tomb itself comes across creepy, with the apparent depredations of previous tomb raider/grave robber types. Given Cymari’s thought about the Hydra not being a serious threat the thought is that it just moved into the opened tomb rather than being set there?

It is mostly Cymari being very cocky about her bow ability. Outperforming elven rangers can do such things to people...the Hydra was placed by Azbezil to prevent people finding out about the prophecy.

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Then, the full prophesy – sounds like things are going to get pretty brutal for all involved – With the Three Flames – some of these guys seem pretty wise, hopefully they won’t all be taken in by Larion’s enslavement? Well, fifteen chapters I guess we got a lot of violence to come!

Yep, there is some serious ground to cover before all parts of the prophecy had been completed. In this revised version I actually added a few details to the prophecy hat was not included in the original version of the story. Hindsight make it much more easy to fitthe prophecy with the upcoming chapters.

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Cymari getting knocked down and the description of hands groping her was pretty awesome  - out of nowhere horror!

The best kind of jump scare when you don’t expect it coming.

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Wow, looks like my comment on the forum was wrong! They aren’t making good money from the army, they’re barely breaking even and Duwlon’s dropped a hint to a fervent follower of the evil king… Well, probably good he is fleeing then…

You can imagine my grin when you made the comment on the forum...

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Glarin just not giving the remotest shit about Madel is pretty fucking funny. Out comes the Warhammer and not a care in the world. That whole scene is pretty great – probably the high point when Madel tries to boast about his sword and Glarin’s faced worse and still doesn’t care. The dismissive “lad” really sells it. Fuck it, sod all the half elves, let the sex dwarf conquer the kingdom himself…

I thought it nice to have this scene so that the readers get a reference when they see Madel using his sword later in the chapter.

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Cymari, the raven haired ranger bound naked to the statue of a Queen is a red hot opening. Gotta be said. The actual rape by ghosts scene is super well written – not the first ghostly scene like this from you that I’ve read – but when they’re getting that mixed pleasure/pain from her, dripping wet and groped it’s all hot as fuck. The weird thing possessing her, well, probably a bad sign in the long run? Great scene here though, one of my favourite so far along with the Trioni in the cave one!

I was looking forward to hear your thoughts about it, it is clearly a JayDee compatible scene.

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Fazdelimina’s a vampire is it? I was thinking this was going to be the king’s seer, but clearly all about putting one over Talinda from what the demon says – I guess believing her true love dead might see her opening her legs to others, which’ll go bad later when she sees him again? Heh, is this going to be what causes the really big break between humans and elves despite the existing war?

The king’s seer will not make a appearance until the next chapter. As for the question I can see where you are coming from with your guess about her as vampire, but she is in fact a minor demon. You know vampires being nocturnal and so on.

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Ok, Madel’s more of a badass when not facing mighty Glarin – that was a great little fight with the Hydra! Dude ends up naked but at least he won.

His spells protect him, but not his gear since his magic is mentalism based.

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Helian’s sex magic not all bad then if she’s using it to enslave the bad guys too! That whole corruption bit, with her getting more control as he fucked her, was pretty hot too. I liked how they just knocked the other soldiers asleep too – Come to investigate fuck noises and survive it! – but it’s like, it’s easier to like these guys when they aren’t butchering folks like the bad guys.

I am actually quite fond of the Helian...not her fault that ended up like the she did with far too much of the-end-justify-the-means for her own good.

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The mention of how the tomb is just blown away on the surface in the future in the next bit – makes me wonder if the warning Cymari didn’t hear was “to survive don’t leave while the wards are active!” At least with larger groups of soldiers camp followers are often around so Helian meeting her ‘boyfriend’ works – soldiers who didn’t believe he was with her would likely think she was just a local prostitute anyway.

BWA HA, sorry I had that thought before reading the next bit where Cymari sees her and thinks she’s a whore. That’s great! Also, total badass moment again after mentioning how good she was with a bow to finally see her just dropping as many soldiers as she can, as well as using it to trip the wards and survive. Hopefully it isn’t smelling too much like her asshole.

My favorite part is when they scream for shields instead of doing another suicide charge and she just observe they have put the whole camp within range of her longbow and she continues to slaughter them. Eventually she would have had to become creative when she ran out of arrows, but is what you have siblings for.

[JayDee]

13 minutes ago, Thundercloud said:

Sorry to hear that, hopefully you will back on track soon.

Thanks and eh, it’s just me. Sometimes I do good at writing and sometimes It just don’t do nothing. I do hope I finish it tho, even just for me! Sorry. haven’t got the last part of the Hidden Danger yet, hopefully not long!

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The king’s seer will not make a appearance until the next chapter. As for the question I can see where you are coming from with your guess about her as vampire, but she is in fact a minor demon. You know vampires being nocturnal and so on.

Hey, Hashtag Not All Vampires! :p Dracula walked around during the day!

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My favorite part is when they scream for shields instead of doing another suicide charge and she just observe they have put the whole camp within range of her longbow and she continues to slaughter them. Eventually she would have had to become creative when she ran out of arrows, but is what you have siblings for.

That’s when you take the Hot Shots Part Deux route and start shooting chickens from the bow!

[Thundercloud]

On 12/1/2020 at 9:32 PM, JayDee said:

Thanks and eh, it’s just me. Sometimes I do good at writing and sometimes It just don’t do nothing. I do hope I finish it tho, even just for me! Sorry. haven’t got the last part of the Hidden Danger yet, hopefully not long!

I look forward to hearing you input, so please you time and chose an occasion when you are feeling up for fantasy.

On 12/1/2020 at 9:32 PM, JayDee said:

Hey, Hashtag Not All Vampires! :p Dracula walked around during the day!

The vampires in Blade use sunscrean...not sure that what I am trying to prove by that observation. Trying to avoid to make a Twilight reference maybe.

On 12/1/2020 at 9:32 PM, JayDee said:

That’s when you take the Hot Shots Part Deux route and start shooting chickens from the bow!

I was actually thinking more about tricks like when she summons mist...but the hot shots scene is also a funny solution. I am sure that is why Azbezil went for the Hydra solution instead of putting chickens there.

[JayDee]

Look, that chicken's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!

[Thundercloud]

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The Tale about the Laughter of Azbezil Review of Fairy Hunting From JayDee on December 05, 2020
The Hidden Danger: Fairy Hunting

The finale to the first section! Lives up to it’s title and while I’m sort of repeating myself it had yet more funny bits and sexy bits! There’s some great incest stuff In here, both actually and roleplay. And they get some sage information. Looking forward to the next revised part!

I am glad you enjoyed it. Your input will make wonders for the work morale when I work with revising the chapter named The Great Council.

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SPOILER Review bits – comments and that.

Sounds like Larion is starting to enjoy her enslavement? I liked the little details about her thinking lustfully about her sister and checking out her ass.

The answer is perhaps depressing...but all Helian’s victims suffer a change of perception to make it easier to keep them spellbound.

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Also, cool detection spell she has running and pretty funny on Helian’s comment that she can’t just go around kissing the one she suspects of not being human so didn’t learn that magic. Shame though – maybe if she’d kissed one he’d turn back to a frog…

Or turned into a frog herself…

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Fuck Radjini and her soldier friends. Burning kids “because its war”. I get it, their generals and king are dicks, but coulda deserted… Heh, good job generating a hate on for a character only been there a few lines. Those body-part monsters sound pretty cool. Kinda a flesh golem thing going on there. I guess they have some sort of sedative on their claws for folks to drop on minor wounds.

Evil conquest by mindless slaves is so totally overrated….the danger of Azbezil coming from people like Radjini doing his evil deeds is much more fun. As for the monsters they will return in a later chapter that is currently not revised.

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Pootanck… another cess pit of a character! His reactions to not caring because he’s old and will be dead was kinda funny. I liked how Helian has the magic to just retie her clothing when the sex approach doesn’t work. When Pootanck identifies he’s had human girls does that mean he recognises them as half elf despite their covered ears or just in general? This bit explains the title at least! Also funny line about how it’d be a miracle for Helian to appear anything less than sexy.

I would not surprise me if the dirty bastard has done the dirty with elves too, but no he does thus not realize they are half elven but is busy thinking about fairies.

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Kapri – tall, blonde, big sword, tough bounty hunter – hitting a lot of buttons for InBrightestDay there - Put her in the future and she could go after Metroids :p Magic guidance again putting someone where they need ‘em, or the storyteller cutting out searching? I liked the descriptions of her though, and the image of her in the magicked armour being tormented by the fairies with insects. The fairies just staying back and laughing at them was pretty funny – obviously no fear of being captured there… hopefully they haven’t seen the part title.

Actually it is not big sword but a more obscured weapon called a War Mattock….but I realize I sometime during the way managed to kill the final character of the weapon name. Anyway it is two handed axe often used in as a dwarven weapon in many settings, like a pickaxe but with heavier weight to chop things off. Far to heavy to be used as weapon in the real world, but useful here to show off her potential...at least if the reader recognize the weapon (and I don’t misspell the name):

I suspect you are right about InBrightestDay...if he reads the story I think he will finding quite a lot to like about Kapri and her future plot lines.

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Poor ol’ Duwlon – first cockblocked by Enbon, and then Fenlyw’s awesome footstep illusion to get away without him tracking him. That was a really neat idea. The “looks like I just did” reply funny too!

Quite understandable why his siblings thinks he is not their favorite brother.

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Funny as hell Talinda trying the daughter line on Harper himself – but Lord Harper turning out to have an incest kink added something to the blowjob – it was a hot scene and Talinda taking her time and playing with his balls and that it was fun.  I also laughed out loud at the line she had of how she’d only  beat his wife up gently if needed, after Harper explained the bad fate if she died. Sounds like no real bad feeling with Nanac either – did he just kick her out of his lands because there was better thieving elsewhere?

I suspect there is quite a story there between Nanac and Harper...but I never got around to write down the details.

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Larion’s speedcast was badass! Heavy spell, too, knocking the soul right out. When Helian got back in her body there and Larion was mind-controlled to lust for her it was a real change – that bit of footplay and using the magic to get her kissing Kapri also came across as hot. On the one hand I feel bad for the character being enslaved, but you do write it sexily. Looks like not the best idea to try pitching recruits with any old guy around listening in to report back tho,

Basically they are both speedcasting but Helian have longer lasting spells. Also showing Larion’s spell having quite a big potential is good to build up for the ending of the chapter.

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Ol’ rich ebony guy seems to know the score – I guess it’s a while yet before we find his story/connection to the storyteller and lack of memory?

Quite some time...can’t say more without spoiling things.

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The Helian/Larion scene was really hot – only thing I noticed was that ‘lovely’ seemed a bit repetitive.  

Thanks forthe input, I will look into it when I get time.

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Helian’s though about how they got what they needed but the sex was too good to stop another funny bit - That sister fisting was hot as fuck with Larion wanting it harder. Also, funny ending when the fairies attack them with magic insect feeling. Can’t say Kapri didn’t warn them!

I had loads of fun to writing this sequence….they should indeed have listened to Kapri.

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Zelak’s still not having much luck with his half-siblings!

He is maybe suffering a bit of Worf-syndrome in this part of the story. One more fight when he did not get to employ his magic, but in a about two chapters he will appear in a situation when he get chance to use his magic.

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That bit of magic was really awesome against the demon. Helian’s gangbang magic sounds like something worth seeing – but probably a bit difficult for this kind of thing.

Remember that in a previous chapter had a certain person on the Inn boosting about having fought a number of Paladins and priests. This is parallel scene I thought about in my previous forum post.

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I’d thought the court seer was as evil as the king, but he doesn’t seem so bad? I mean, besides from letting him know about the artifact that’ll likely let the demons rampage…

Being able to view the fate of Azbezil and keep working for him require a special kind of devotion, but as for villains in this story I suppose he is not the most evil one.

[JayDee]

17 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

I would not surprise me if the dirty bastard has done the dirty with elves too, but no he does thus not realize they are half elven but is busy thinking about fairies.

 

It was the dwarf where they said he’d gone too far. “But she had such a lovely beard!” he cried.

...I kid I kid.

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Actually it is not big sword but a more obscured weapon called a War Mattock….but I realize I sometime during the way managed to kill the final character of the weapon name. Anyway it is two handed axe often used in as a dwarven weapon in many settings, like a pickaxe but with heavier weight to chop things off. Far to heavy to be used as weapon in the real world, but useful here to show off her potential...at least if the reader recognize the weapon (and I don’t misspell the name):
 

Well, today I learned! I knew what a Hattock was, weirdly enough, but not a Mattock.

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I suspect you are right about InBrightestDay...if he reads the story I think he will finding quite a lot to like about Kapri and her future plot lines.

@InBrightestDay does like them big blonde armoured bounty hunter types.

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Thanks forthe input, I will look into it when I get time.

Lovely!

Have a good’n. I hope yer writing writes easily for ya.

[Thundercloud]

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Review for Scandinavian Tales: The Deal From KnightmareKingUnlimited on February 09, 2021
I loved your writing style. I will admit I don't know much about Scandinavian mythology but thought the story was interesting. Keep up the good work

Thank you encouragement. I am planning to eventually write the next chapter, but other stories have been stealing the attention of muses.

[Thundercloud]

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With the Mirror Came.. Chapter 9 From JayDee on June 01, 2021
Chapter 9! It’s been great fun getting in with the characters. I’d say my favourite sex scene was the one she watched on the computer screen from when she was in the trance, but going for that washing machine trope was pretty hot for all that seeing it appear made me laugh some.

Glad that you enjoyed the washing machine scene...I don’t know how many revisions of the scene that I deleted before I got my act together and made the scene work.

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There seemed to be an issue with the formatting with a few lines somehow splitting down onto the next line, but I don’t know if that’s just a firefox thing or if it shows for you too – might be worth checking, example:

I think I caused those linebreaks when the AFF editor was messing with the formating and I tried to fix it in a hurry. I did I quick read through and fixed those visible in the editor. Thank you forthe tip.

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SPOILER THOUGHTS –

I was thinking that it felt really realistic for her to wake up and comment on how sleeping in the bondage left her aching, and then it felt like foreshadowing too when it turned out John both railed and fisted her while in the trance. No wonder she woke up so sore with that kinda rough stuff! Still cute seeing her interactions with Maria, her one true love tho’! Per above, was really hot to see her masturbating first to herself in the bondage and then the description of John fucking and fisting her. Is all the raw sex the ghost’s attempt to breed a new body? Good thing she doesn’t get puppies really…

When the ending comes you will now. Not many chapter left now, but lots of words to write.

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Maria’s subplot with agreeing to make the porno for Mikaela – I hope she is able to get one over the blackmailer. I mean, the ghost is a supernatural pervert. Those dead guys are probably morally dubious anyway, but Mikaela’s human and supposed to be in a position of trust. Am interested to see what Maria comes up with for her though!

I will perhaps feature that scene in the next chapter.

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So… so… Julia’s reaction. Does she fancy some of dat Ronja? Is one of the reasons she does very little in the way of sex with guys, and just flirts etc for drinks’n’ that because she’s really not that interested in them? I guess the costume party is her chance? I can’t imagine the ghost would object? :D You do have ghosty keen for Ronja going after all.

I have not decided really about Julia. The basic character is a tease that uses her great looks for favors, but there is always room for a deeper reason.

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I also liked how Mark turning up was a chance for Ronja to remember fucking the dog, and the later mention about how apart from the surprise buttsex she was pretty fucking happy with the feel of it all. She’s an animal lover, it’s all hot the way you write it!

I actually had foreshadowing for this in the first chapter with a picture of dogs on her wall. I also realize that I probably spent 8 chapter without revisiting the visuals of the room.

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John’s fiancée fantasy – it actually sounds like it’s kind of wholesome! Marriage and romance in the air! But it’s totally perverted, so is all good. I thought it was cool and funny the way the character made Ronja giggle so much. Slapping and playing with her ass/pussy when she was preparing was a cool touch, and I liked the messy feeding bit, too.

I was inspired by the movie The Secretary when I wrote that scene.

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Straight up laughed out loud when Ronja got herself genuinely caught in the washing machine and John literally called out the trope, but then when he took advantage of it it was actually really hot and not a joke, because of the hypnotism and her being genuinely trapped rather than the fake stuck in version.

Good that you enjoyed it. That was the single most difficult scene to write. I don’t know how many revisions I did before I got my act together.

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The fuck on the bed, with her coming really hard, is still a strong scene and image, and him rawdogging his step-sister again! It is good stuff, I just liked the first two better. And then the look of the ghost in John, suggesting rather than needing a new body, he’s maybe slowly getting John’s?

Anyway, great part!

Thank you for the encouragement.

[JayDee]

22 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

I think I caused those linebreaks when the AFF editor was messing with the formating and I tried to fix it in a hurry. I did I quick read through and fixed those visible in the editor. Thank you forthe tip.

I’m glad it was a quick fix! If I could face looking through my stories there’s probably a few there too.

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I have not decided really about Julia. The basic character is a tease that uses her great looks for favors, but there is always room for a deeper reason.

Oh, sure, deep inside!

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I was inspired by the movie The Secretary when I wrote that scene.

I saw that one, but it was ages ago so I mostly just have a vague idea they got a happy ending.

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Thank you for the encouragement.

No problem!

[Thundercloud]

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Review of The Tale of the Laughter of Azbezil – The Great Council From JayDee on June 06, 2021
The Time of the Prophesy – The Great Council

Couple of very hot scenes in this one, and one that feels like it was going to start being a scene but wasn’t and was instead kinda funny! The scene near the start with the communication between father and daughter after so long was also really kinda wholesome/sweet. Must be more hopeful for the Princess. My first thought when I saw the size of this after the recent chapter for the other story was that you must have been insanely busy, and then I remembered this is one you wrote before you’re updating/improving and it didn’t seem quite so a herculean task, while still a lot of work.

Considering the revising took me one and half year I can verify that it was a lot work. The basic plot of the second half of the chapter is about the same...but there was far too much telling instead of showing in the original story. The information from Ezame for instance was just info dumped on the reader without any real scene for context. The chapter also used to start in the domains of Lord Harper with Midiilon arriving there and the switch to the council happened almost directly before the events with the Apinion couple. The good news is that one of the revised scenes will go into the next chapter so I have some work finished already...I also have good reason to believe that the rest of the chapters of the Time of the Prophecy will be more easy to adapt since they are more coherent when read them.

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SPOILER/More detailed thoughts:

Still some real mystery over the storyteller. With him not remembering his past/his own name there’s even a chance he could have been involved somehow in the old events? I liked the comment about how they always interrupt him when he gets going.

Good thinking...but I actually cut a reference to the audience figuring out how many hundred back the story took place. The humans that are still around (if they exist) need to be very special...elves and possibly halfelves on the other hand.

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When Glarin’s not there “This morning, the servant girl came much quicker than usual.” – sounds a bit offensive about Glarin’s technique. :p I kid, I kid. Good thing that tough dwarf wasn’t there -had it been arranged for him not to be there, given he went to the palace in the first place as part of his deal, or was it just coincidence?

There are reasons for the dwarfs absence...the next chapter will have some hints considering that chapter also describe events that happened during the great council.

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As I said above, Ezame getting to communicate with her old father again was pretty wholesome, for both of them really. I bit more suspense, too, because as soon as a mind reader is able to get a look in again the jig’s up, or even before then when she has Glarin’s child and it’s obviously not Uncle Az’s. Definite suspense there.

This scene is like I mentioned one of those that I added. Having the heroes understand better how dangerous opponent Lombadiel Iglack works wonders to explain why they need to be so careful and not get into an open fight with bad guys.

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Talinda getting stuck in the wardrobe had echoes of a lover hiding from the partner coming home, so it was funny to me that she was watching a cheating wife instead. That see-through-the-door magic was a really nice touch to keep it from her POV but still allow more detailed description of the fucking going on. Midilon actually being crap at sex in this setting and Retalia just banging him to get back at the husband was also a funny image – Talinda able to see her basically bored, heh. Midilon’s not even any good at oral if Retalia couldn’t be bothered?

A nasty pair of vipers...they will return later in the story.

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Just realised, with Retalia basically existing so far to be getting back at her husband for herself and for Azbezil it is appropriate her name is Retalia as in Retaliation – intentional, presumably?

Not sure if had the word play in mind when I chose the name way back...but I have thought about it later.

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TBH, Lord H is getting off likely with just being cucked and maybe having his wife dripping around court – Lord Apinon got a much harsher fate.

It is very important to show what kind of raw deal Azbezil delivers to his followers.

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The bit I referred to as starting being a scene and ending funny next – Talinda drugged and helpless and Lord H ready to take what she wouldn’t give him, and the dirty old bastard can’t even get it up. Then compound that with his wife’s lover finding him and making the crack about his relationship with his daughter Too funny!

Did you realize that Midilon earlier boasted about having drugged Lord H so he would not have reason to visit Retalia’s bed chamber…

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The scene with Lady Apinon receiving oral from her husband was super hot. At first I thought it might be someone pretending to be her husband with an illusion. Had no idea he’d been swapped out when it got dark until the end. That was a pretty nasty way to go – choking out on the floor as he hears his wife fucked and loving It. Any reason why Madel didn’t blow a load in her? Too many pregnancies already?

Having a child at that point would have exposed Madel from being proved to be the father and thus revealing he was present when the king’s peace was broken.

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Seems like a solid way for Azbezil to deal with someone who opposed him, tho’ Any of the others who disagreed with anti-elf magic will likely hold their tongues. The description of the scene in the mirror with Katin apparently masturbating and an invisible cock opening her was a lot hotter than I would have expected. Kinda like a ghost fuck/invisible man thing from the mirror POV.

*smiles*

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Really not Lord H’s night! Took a right beating from Talinda, and I suspect if the King chooses to have a mind reader check his story later it will likely not help it hold up – although at least it’ll prove he wasn’t working with the elves like he was worried!

The saving grace is that Azbezil’s mind reader has lots of minions to keep track off. The demon need to spend magic power to read minds and Azbezil thus have to chose where it provides the most benefit.

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Not sure was up with the tattooed corpse in the sack – was that covered previously or is it something we’ll find more on later?

It will be explained later.

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The final gang rape was also very well written. Quite the mental image with her bound like that and them blowing their loads inside, getting fingers in and the rest. 16 guards! She’s lucky they didn’t all get a go. Interesting use of magic to get them fighting amongst themselves – I liked the note that they had a natural resistance against it, but once one snapped the rest kinda went along. Seemed like the way some war crimes happen!

It is a very useful spell. The even more useful spells will feature in the upcoming chapters. *evil grin*

[JayDee]

20 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

Considering the revising took me one and half year I can verify that it was a lot work. The basic plot of the second half of the chapter is about the same...but there was far too much telling instead of showing in the original story. The information from Ezame for instance was just info dumped on the reader without any real scene for context. The chapter also used to start in the domains of Lord Harper with Midiilon arriving there and the switch to the council happened almost directly before the events with the Apinion couple. The good news is that one of the revised scenes will go into the next chapter so I have some work finished already...I also have good reason to believe that the rest of the chapters of the Time of the Prophecy will be more easy to adapt since they are more coherent when read them.

Has there been anything major you’ve cut out in the revision? Entire subplots, or sex scenes, or anything like that, or is it more of a re-ordering and changing from tell to show like the example here?

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Good thinking...but I actually cut a reference to the audience figuring out how many hundred back the story took place. The humans that are still around (if they exist) need to be very special...elves and possibly halfelves on the other hand.

Half-elf: “Yes I’m 400 years old, but I still like to fuck. Get yer pants off big guy.”

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It is very important to show what kind of raw deal Azbezil delivers to his followers.

It’s the kind of thing can bite a tyrant in the ass! I gues he doesn’t care with his power and demons.

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Did you realize that Midilon earlier boasted about having drugged Lord H so he would not have reason to visit Retalia’s bed chamber…

I did see the line, I didn’t realise it was that kind of drug! (brand name Floppicoxin… ahem) I think I assumed more like a fatigue one. D’oh.

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The saving grace is that Azbezil’s mind reader has lots of minions to keep track off. The demon need to spend magic power to read minds and Azbezil thus have to chose where it provides the most benefit.

Ah, fair enough. I hadn’t thought about that. Makes sense!

 

[Thundercloud]

35 minutes ago, JayDee said:

Has there been anything major you’ve cut out in the revision? Entire subplots, or sex scenes, or anything like that, or is it more of a re-ordering and changing from tell to show like the example here?

Nothing major that needed to be axed so far. One minor example would be that the previous version had more of Talinda and Retalia having to spend time together before they arrived at the court...but eventually it did just resolve to the scenes I kept in the new version so it was kind of pointless. Another example would be an Inn discussion that I realized fitted better with a scene from the next chapter than just randomly following the story teller talking about kind of related things. One thing I actually  changed was lord Harper going into a fight with Talinda, in the original he was more interested into getting Talinda in bed and did not really talk about how her identity was a danger to him.

35 minutes ago, JayDee said:

Half-elf: “Yes I’m 400 years old, but I still like to fuck. Get yer pants off big guy.”

Have you seen My Elf Girlfriend on College humor? A wonderful take on the horny elves trope that is good for quite a laugh.

35 minutes ago, JayDee said:

It’s the kind of thing can bite a tyrant in the ass! I guess he doesn’t care with his power and demons.

Yep, the witch king will pack a punch when he eventually gets around to fight.

35 minutes ago, JayDee said:

I did see the line, I didn’t realise it was that kind of drug! (brand name Floppicoxin… ahem) I think I assumed more like a fatigue one. D’oh.

Maybe I can tweak the dialogue to make it clearer. IMO it adds quite a bit to making the scene even more funny.

[Thundercloud]

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With the Mirror Came… From AlexC on July 19, 2021

Twisted but so hot

Thank you for the encouragement.

[Thundercloud]

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With the Mirror Came…
Chapter 1 From Wilde_Guess on February 26, 2023

I have just started reading Chapter 1 after seeing your promotion on the forum.  So far, the story is very well written and interesting.  I put it on my "recommended reading" and "reading now" lists so I don't lose it.  I definately plant to read the entire thing through, at least as far as you have it written.

Thank you for the encouraging review.

If you liked the beginning I have good hope that you will that later part of the story to be good. I have learnt a couple of new things during the years I have been working on the story. It is not finished yet, but the endgame is getting close enough that I have started to map out how the story ends.

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I haven't visited Sweden.  However, your background descriptions so far are quite good, and help me envision that I am in Stockholm while reading your story.

I hope you will get the chance to visit Stockholm, it is quite a lovely place. Especially if you stay clear of the more scary places where the lead characters go urban exploring.