Thundercloud's Review Responses

[Thundercloud]

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Carmen Elisa Needs to Die
From JayDee on September 23, 2019
Chapter 4 – spoiler free comments – Another great part! 12000+ words of depravity, perversity and imaginative sex. It’s no wonder it takes a good while between chapters to get this amount of content out, but I enjoyed it as much as the previous parts. Some very hot sex in there!

Glad to hear that you enjoyed the chapter. Hearing your positive words about the chapter is a great pay off for the effort to work on the story.

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Spoilery comments –

…starting with the first section! Opening the chapter mid rape had me thinking that was going to be the concentrated part, but then Lydia turning the tables on that mercenary and killing him while Elenore was playing with her was unexpected (I mean, I expected her to kill him, but not like this!) and that bit with the rope pleasuring her was an excellent mental image. Helps I like the snuff fantasy stuff too I guess! Also, amusing reminder of Frank from the last part and how they’re going to make things even worse for him.

I had most of the story planned out before I started to work on it, but the episodes at Franks place was the thing I added to when I switched from 4 to 5 planned chapters. IMO it worked great to flesh out what kind of character Lydia are and the writing process was very fluent when I got the idea for how Lydia would prevail in the end. Seemed fair to have a scene to prove how badass she is even without her normal advantage. :-)

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The second section – I liked the mentions of Elenore’s increased pregnancy after the reference in the previous part, and the thought that the demon child inside her might be corrupting her more. She certainly seemed very eager for sex from beginning to end – and her telling Lydia how she wanted to watch her impregnate the noble lady was fucking hot. A fair bit of development on how they got into the city and had Navorre working for them, but it all made sense – and, heck, Elenore actually has serving experience, so she can fit the cover story fine as you remind us in the next part!

There is some world building in this part of the story. When I am done I need to look into reusing the setting for future stories.

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The last section – Well, prophesy is prophesy so gotta get them daughters knocked up… I actually laughed at the line about screwing Navorre being a chore, after all the other kinky stuff Lydia enjoys normally.

She definitely got issues about older people….in the first chapter she ran in trouble with the demon for hesitating about a 35 year old person. Good to remind the reader about this if it ever should matter to what happens in chapter 5. 

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But what an ending! Very hot scene, that got even hotter when Elenore got involved. I really like the whole corruption of a holy innocent theme anyway and this was smoking. I also really liked how she basically had to fuck right through the underwear, that was  another hot image!

Thank you. I am quite proud of how this scene turned out with making use of Lydia’s abilities but not making it too over the top.

By the way the scene as they try to come up with how to stage the attack quite literally match my work as I tried to decide where this part of the prophecy should come true. The blueprint of the story only included the actual outcome so I rejected quite many ideas for location before I found the one I used.

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So, yeah, overall really enjoyed it. Looking forward to part five in a few months!

I hope I will not have you waiting too long.

[JayDee]

6 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

She definitely got issues about older people….in the first chapter she ran in trouble with the demon for hesitating about a 35 year old person. Good to remind the reader about this if it ever should matter to what happens in chapter 5.

I’d forgotten that detail! Keeping in character continity is definitely the way to go though.

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By the way the scene as they try to come up with how to stage the attack quite literally match my work as I tried to decide where this part of the prophecy should come true. The blueprint of the story only included the actual outcome so I rejected quite many ideas for location before I found the one I used.

That’s some good use of the meta process within the story. After they’d talked it through the option they took did seem like the best option.

[Thundercloud]

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With the Mirror Came…
From JayDee on September 29, 2019

It continues! Was really happy to see another part of this one, too. It really didn’t take long to get back into Ronja’s world, and I still feel a lot of sympathy for her. Took me a good time to read, but that length means you fit in much more events and detail, and it’s good stuff! All of the sexual content was just hot as heck, with all of the variety this story has had!

I am honored by how quickly you read the chapter. Good that you seem to think that I have delivered good value for the page count.

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SPOILERY REVIEW BELOW. Warning. Spoilers.

I thought this was going to be the hottest scene until I got to the haunted building near the end – Ronja in full dog cosplay mode is incredibly hot, and John is convinced she’s into it all because of the notes and awkward situations so he doesn’t come across as an especially bad guy.

Nice that you liked the dog cosplay. Feel free to come up with more cosplay examples, I really dig the idea of the cosplaying but I does not have very many ideas for costumes in store for the upcoming chapters.

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Ronja’s reaction while watching her own porno was fuckin’ sexy – it’s definitely unclear how much of it is hypno triggers and how much is her own psychology.

Actually I am not too sure myself about her reaction there. Them adding more hypno triggers to make her slutty kind of makes sense...but so does her using the idea of hypno triggers as excuse when she feel the urge to go dirty.

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I thought it was funny her saying the note was a joke only for it to have been a “help with math” note –  and it was pretty awesome that the hypnotic state actually allowed her to retain the statistics knowledge and scrape a pass.

The reason for her succeeding at exam... you actually on an earlier chapter commented how harsh the ghost disregard for her studies was. This made me realize I need to be careful about abusing Ronja so much that she totally fail her studies. It is not like the status of her studies matter very much for the important plot of the story...but if she started to fail things that would by nature be a big thing for Ronja. Would be a shame if I must devote pages to her thoughts about that when I can come up with new ways she is dragged into worse sex.

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Maria’s playing with herself was fun, but it really kicked off when she was on the phone to Ronja – I really liked their non-pervy interractions as well, although it was extra sexy when Ronja was getting a little too frisky in public.

I liked writing Maria’s reaction here considering how the chapter ends.

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The original ghost’s “You are in quite a mess my little slave. Entering a haunted place without the mirror with you. The distance is too large so I cannot compete with the horny spirit that has captured you. You are on your own for now,” actually made me laugh – mostly because I was wondering just how he’d compete if the mirror was there, “Back off, Casper! This is my sex slave! You can have Julia, Jonathan isn’t bothered…”

You had be laughing a lot at the Casper part.

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Then with John apparently hearing that blowing in her mouth towards the end, I wondered if it was the same ghost somehow manifested in the haunted spot from the mirror. Power growing with time and everything.

The ghost growing more powerful…I wonder how that could have happened. ;-)

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And As I mentioned earlier the scene with this ghost was really hot – very inventive ghost sex, I especially liked how it got the fisting and fingering going, and then that ghostly oral, and Maria’s not-serious complaint! Quite the cliffhanger at the end though. Is it Mikaela for more blackmail?

Well I can understand where you are coming from since it is kind of Mikalea style, but it is not like she need more material for the blackmailing so I have something different planned. Without revealing to much I can maybe say that the location for the scene was not randomly chosen...I literally started with the block and started to look for possible ghosts connected to the houses there.

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The last scene… the ghost be getting a hold over John as a ‘sexual muse’ – it is just able to talk to him or does it extend some control? Random thought - If he likes to look at a reflected cock as he’s jerking does he have some bi-tendencies?

I actually saw article some while ago that discussed a survey when they found that quite many women does not react very much on the visuals of a cock even if they are like her how the cock is used during intercourse. On the reverse quite a few straight males needed the visuals of cock to imagine it was them fucking the girl when they were looking at porn. Kind of counter intuitive...but it does give an interesting possible explanation about different attitudes to porn between the sexes.

Edited September 29, 2019 by Thundercloud

[JayDee]

8 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

I am honored by how quickly you read the chapter. Good that you seem to think that I have delivered good value for the page count.

I thought I might have to go through in sections, but once I started it just flowed really quickly and I got through in one sitting!

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Nice that you liked the dog cosplay. Feel free to come up with more cosplay examples, I really dig the idea of the cosplaying but I does not have very many ideas for costumes in store for the upcoming chapters.

I’ll definitely try and think of some, but it is almost like you smacked it out the park with the first one! It’s definitely tough to think up costumes that would be destinctive costumes and lead to sexual situations. Maybe some kind of devil or angel girl costume? I just kinda like those themes.

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The reason for her succeeding at exam... you actually on an earlier chapter commented how harsh the ghost disregard for her studies was. This made me realize I need to be careful about abusing Ronja so much that she totally fail her studies. It is not like the status of her studies matter very much for the important plot of the story...but if she started to fail things that would by nature be a big thing for Ronja. Would be a shame if I must devote pages to her thoughts about that when I can come up with new ways she is dragged into worse sex.

Seems like a good solution! It works.

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Well I can understand where you are coming from since it is kind of Mikalea style, but it is not like she need more material for the blackmailing so I have something different planned. Without revealing to much I can maybe say that the location for the scene was not randomly chosen...I literally started with the block and started to look for possible ghosts connected to the houses there.

Fair enough! A new challenger appears!

 

[Thundercloud]

15 hours ago, JayDee said:

I’ll definitely try and think of some, but it is almost like you smacked it out the park with the first one! It’s definitely tough to think up costumes that would be destinctive costumes and lead to sexual situations. Maybe some kind of devil or angel girl costume? I just kinda like those themes.

Sexual situations is good of course...but I am also considering having more of a kind of comic relief scene. Ronja as super heroine might be fun....

15 hours ago, JayDee said:

Fair enough! A new challenger appears!

In about half year or so we will see if I got the scene to work.

[JayDee]

On 9/30/2019 at 9:23 PM, Thundercloud said:

Sexual situations is good of course...but I am also considering having more of a kind of comic relief scene. Ronja as super heroine might be fun....

Could be a chance to use costumes that they think will be sexy/slutty but then turn out not to be!

Like, maids outfit – but instead of taking it in a sexual way Ghost and John are baffled as she instead cleans the house and is too busy for any kind of sex.

Or a clown! Total obvious option, but instead of a halloween style slutty clown she just wants to make balloon animals or toss cream pies or fall over amusingly. “Clowns don’t have sex!” she says with a honk of her nose, or “you wouldn’t want clowns breeding. Soon… soon there would be more clowns than people!” until even the ghost is creeped out.

Cat costume! Expecting some kind of cat in heat antics like the dog costume, she instead push’s John’s glass off the table, shreds the curtain and shits in his shoe before sleeping across the back of the couch for six hours.

More sexual – A kind of emporer’s new clothes cosplay – say he was intending an actual cosplay but it accidentally got ruined, so she is hypnotised to believe she is fully dressed while naked. Or reverse – she thinks she is naked while fully dressed and is very embarressed.

Look, if I was any good at ideas I’d be writing!

[Thundercloud]

34 minutes ago, JayDee said:

Could be a chance to use costumes that they think will be sexy/slutty but then turn out not to be!

Like, maids outfit – but instead of taking it in a sexual way Ghost and John are baffled as she instead cleans the house and is too busy for any kind of sex.

Or a clown! Total obvious option, but instead of a halloween style slutty clown she just wants to make balloon animals or toss cream pies or fall over amusingly. “Clowns don’t have sex!” she says with a honk of her nose, or “you wouldn’t want clowns breeding. Soon… soon there would be more clowns than people!” until even the ghost is creeped out.

Cat costume! Expecting some kind of cat in heat antics like the dog costume, she instead push’s John’s glass off the table, shreds the curtain and shits in his shoe before sleeping across the back of the couch for six hours.

More sexual – A kind of emporer’s new clothes cosplay – say he was intending an actual cosplay but it accidentally got ruined, so she is hypnotised to believe she is fully dressed while naked. Or reverse – she thinks she is naked while fully dressed and is very embarressed.

Look, if I was any good at ideas I’d be writing!

The maid idea is actually kind of interesting...could work if I ever got around to the reach the weekend when there is a costume party. A scene when Ronja ignores Maria totally since she works as a maid could give reason for some interesting dynamics. Thanks for the good input. I will give it a thought.

[Thundercloud]

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Scandinavian Tales: The Deal
From JayDee on October 16, 2019
I did not see the way that was going to go at all. Very different story! Sex was hot, and I’m keen to see what happens next. Heck, I’m pretty keen to see what happened first to so change what Robin knew of her to what we see in the story. I did initially wonder if it was some kind of changeling situation.

Good that you liked it. Primary I started writing it because I felt that I considering the success of my Master Progam should write more stories without so many kinks.

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It feels like a very different voice being from Robin’s perspective as opposed to From the Mirror Came and even more so Carmen Elisa Needs to Die – though possibly this will end up with as many fantasy setting elements! It shows real range as a writer. Anyway I’m glad I finally had the free time to read it and look forward to chapter two.

Having a male lead is kind of a refreshing change. Not like it is first story I have written with such…my Azbezil story does for instance both feature male and female lead characters in the later chapters. Actually it does suffers from Martinesque style of changing points of view...so maybe it does not count properly.

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SPOILER HEAVY COMMENTS/THOUGHTS BELOW

Given the theme of old stories having some truth in them, I wondered if Frida’s name was meaningful with it apparently originating from the name for a Goddess?

Goddess...actually you had me kind of surprised here. I suppose you mean the Norse goddess Freya that seems like sometimes in English is called Frida...but for me as a Swede that name would translate into the Swedish name Freja (the Swedish name of the goddess is the same name). The name Frida is medieval name with the meaning “the beutiful” or “the beloved” and does not have any connections to any goddess from what I recall. I know a couple of woman named Frida, but it is not a very common name today.

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It was the description of the way she saw Lisa out half naked in the half growth forrest that initially had me wondering if she was somehow replaced with some kind of supernatural person looking like her, (“Quick! Check round back in case it’s a hulda with a mask!”) but when it got to the later part of the story and Robin’s dream it definitely seemed to indicate there was something else going on. Me trying to second guess the author!

I do have a planned story for a hulder in the Scandinavian Tales series...if this is that story...nope...I need to get used to the english spelling first. The proper name in the scandinavian languages is huldra and each time I see the name hulder I stumble hard.

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The descriptions of Lisa waiting at the door and virtually jumping on Robin were just great. I liked his iittle clumsy moments too as he’s dealing with the unexpected.

Not like in the movies when they have surprise sex and somehow ends in perfect synch and the woman’s back turned toward the camera so they don’t have pay her extra for frontal nudity. Not that real world sex does not play out like that also but I tried to think how I would react if something happened to me...

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Him making the deal and then realising it cuts both ways before Lisa confirmed it seems to set up things going not quite as he might hope.

Yep, he is about to learn the hard way how that will backfire.

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The dream was well written – the trolls seem like interesting characters, cruel and malicious but perhaps they’ll honor their details. I guess I take the implication that what Robin saw was really happening somewhere, especially when he awoke with his dick down her throat. I can think of at least one person who might like to see Robin get it on with that twice-as-tall-as-him troll woman.

If you have not done it you can check the wikipedia page of John Bauer https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Bauer_(illustrator)

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Lot of pregnancy risk! Always fun

Very fun.

Thanks again for the good and useful review. Especially useful when starting a new story.

[JayDee]

7 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

Good that you liked it. Primary I started writing it because I felt that I considering the success of my Master Progam should write more stories without so many kinks.

I guess some folks like variety and some don’t! Or maybe it was the specific “guy thinking he had control” kink of that story that proved popular?

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Goddess...actually you had me kind of surprised here. I suppose you mean the Norse goddess Freya that seems like sometimes in English is called Frida...but for me as a Swede that name would translate into the Swedish name Freja (the Swedish name of the goddess is the same name). The name Frida is medieval name with the meaning “the beutiful” or “the beloved” and does not have any connections to any goddess from what I recall. I know a couple of woman named Frida, but it is not a very common name today.

So is Frida both beautiful and beloved? :D

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I do have a planned story for a hulder in the Scandinavian Tales series...if this is that story...nope...I need to get used to the english spelling first. The proper name in the scandinavian languages is huldra and each time I see the name hulder I stumble hard.

Fuck it, you could just write Huldra. Or even Skogsrå, it says here. Those who know Hulder will understand you’ve used the Scandinavian word in a Scandinavian tale, and the rest will just go with what you’ve used (You could even have the narrator or author’s note say something like those ignorant English speakers listened to that Orkneys dialect...)

Also says here “It was said that any human man who has intercourse with the Skogsrå becomes an introvert, as his soul has remained with her.”

Jesus Christ, they’re fucking their way through the D&D community.

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If you have not done it you can check the wikipedia page of John Bauer https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Bauer_(illustrator)

Nice to see that the wikipedia vandals haven’t claimed there’s a John Bauer Interrogation Technique involving painting trolls at people until they crack. Poor guy, though, he wasn’t old at all when he died was he?

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Thanks again for the good and useful review. Especially useful when starting a new story.

No problem! It looked interestingly different. Sorry it took me a week or so to get to it!

[Thundercloud]

14 hours ago, JayDee said:

I guess some folks like variety and some don’t! Or maybe it was the specific “guy thinking he had control” kink of that story that proved popular?

The impossibility to know what the reader thinks...unless the write good reviews like yours.

My point of view is pretty much that if I enjoy reading a wild range of levels of kinks there are bound to be other that enjoy such too. Having a really good plot twist at the end of the story like The Master Program does cannot be negative.

14 hours ago, JayDee said:

Fuck it, you could just write Huldra. Or even Skogsrå, it says here. Those who know Hulder will understand you’ve used the Scandinavian word in a Scandinavian tale, and the rest will just go with what you’ve used (You could even have the narrator or author’s note say something like those ignorant English speakers listened to that Orkneys dialect...)

*smiles* Thanks for the advice.

14 hours ago, JayDee said:

Also says here “It was said that any human man who has intercourse with the Skogsrå becomes an introvert, as his soul has remained with her.”

Jesus Christ, they’re fucking their way through the D&D community.

That applies to LARPers too...hmmm...american LARPer visiting nordic style LARP and runs into a real Huldra.

14 hours ago, JayDee said:

Nice to see that the wikipedia vandals haven’t claimed there’s a John Bauer Interrogation Technique involving painting trolls at people until they crack. Poor guy, though, he wasn’t old at all when he died was he?

I agree...actually died on lake Vättern is quite a repeating event. It is a very large lake.

[Thundercloud]

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The Tale about the Laughter of Azbezil (revised)

From Poison Chamomile on November 05, 2019

This was a very captivating tale with interesting characters. After chapter 2, I had to leave a review. Aside from some grammar errors (run-sentence, comma splices, passive voice), it was a fun read. Keep witing. Cheers!

I am very grateful for you providing this review for my story. By chapter 2 you have seen quite many of the characters so it is great that you like the cast of the story, but I am proud to say hat there is much good to come. The heroes will need quite a lot of more tricks to save the day when the villains make more of an appearance in the later parts of the story.

As for grammar errors I think you might want to stay clear of the original story until I have revised it properly. :-) There is quite a lot to fix when I revise the language I wrote 15 years ago and your review helps a lot with the encouragement to continue working.
 

[Thundercloud]

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The Tale about the Laughter of Azbezil (revised) Chapter 4

From Poison Chamomile on November 10, 2019
I very much enjoyed your new chaper. It was full of excitment! I like the direction you are taking the story - that it explores the children's adventures.

Thank you for the support. There is plenty of adventure left for the siblings before they get a chance to learn the secret about Azbezil’s laughter.

Basically the Hidden Danger story arc will come to end after the next chapter, but after that there are two more story arcs before the story wraps up.

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The interactions between the story teller and the audience offers humor.

Thanks, these interruptions are plenty of fun to write. It also gives me the chance to highlight stuff for the readers that would be hard to fit in the normal flow of the scene.

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I must offer caution on the incest scenes - I'm not a fan of those but I can read them for the sake of the story. Keep on  writing.

Good that you managed to enjoy the story even with these scenes.  Considering the characters involved there obviously going to be some more such scenes in later chapters but I can promise you that it will not go over the top. Far too many natural pairing between characters that not incest like.

[Thundercloud]

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G.S.P (revised)

From InBrightestDay on February 08, 202

Chapter 12

Well, holy crap!  A lot of stuff happens in this chapter.

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  We have the return of an old plot thread, and I'm glad I waited to comment on it until/unless it came back.  In addition, there's some nice comeuppance for a superhero abuser, a revelation about our main character's past and a legitimately frightening supervillain fight.  At long last, there's the promise of the final confrontation in the next chapter.  Looks like we're in the endgame now.

Yep...this chapter is very much setting up the endgame. The heroes are proved to be the superior super hero team, but things are going to get bumpy since there are consequences to how they won the day in chapter 12.

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My only criticism is that a large part of the supervillain fight is discussed in a rather detached manner, rather than us being "in" it, so to speak.  Aside from that, very well done, and I can't wait to get to the last chapter!

I totally understand where you are coming from. I will comment more in the spoilers part of the review response.

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SPOILERS BELOW

The bit with Fang searching City Hall was cool, showing her using her new magical abilities, and also pretty funny, showing a superhero confronting the worst enemy there is...bureaucracy!  Seriously, I found myself giggling when Fang's powers reacted to the dark magic in the building with illusory flames and the security guard was like "Sorry, can't let you in there; you're a fire hazard," so she just had to knock him out.

Good that the scene worked like intended. I wanted Fang to show off here here so that the reader gets an impression of how potent her new powers are before they are really needed.

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Boy am I glad I didn't talk about the Mernosh subplot and waited to see if it came back, because I was pretty far off on that one!  See, back when Fang decapitated her, I thought that Mernosh had been possessed by a demon while in cryosleep, that the incorporeal thing that escaped her body was the possessing demon and that Fang had just killed an innocent woman.  Thankfully, that wasn't true, as this chapter reveals that Mernosh sold her soul while in cryosleep for the ability to control her powers, and that the thing that escaped her body was a ghost.

I made it ambiguous in the previous chapter to leave the reader with some uncertainty if the Thundercloud dumping Mernosh for Jennifer was fair of if he was doing something kind of shady. I also had plans for it to allow me to show Jennifer ‘s rather weird reaction to Thundercloud’s actions, but honestly I don’t think I quite succeeded there. Jennifer’s reactions are hard to write in a good way.

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Another thing that made me laugh was this bit where Fang explains where she's been:

“It is complicated, but essentially a werewolf summoned me and taught me magic. After that I had to use my own abilities to defeat the ghost of Thundercloud's former wife Mernosh that had taken control of the Deputy Mayor to be able to do all kinds of bad things,” Fang said.

Only in a superhero story can you just casually explain that's how your day went!

I agree, but I would argue Fang’s personality play a role here too.

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So now we get to the Obliterator.  At first, I thought the name (the Bikini Monster) was kind of funny.  I know it's a reference to the nuclear tests at Bikini Atoll, but it gave me the image of a monster wearing a bikini, which was rather amusing.

A quite deliberate pun that is setting things up for surprising the reader when the horror of the chapter comes...

Educating the readers about what happened at the Bikini Atoll is also a worthy goal. Did you know they used 23 bombs there after moving the people away...insanely enough the inventor of bikini knew about this and deliberately chose the name since of bomb testing done there.

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Then we got to the Knighthood's fight with the thing and it stopped being funny.  I thought, given that Mech had tried to kill Fang, that I'd enjoy seeing her and the others get taken down a peg by the Obliterator, but once it got into Mech screaming as the monster raped her and her teammates being unable to even hear her, it went way past feeling like karma and I actually felt pretty bad for her and Hyper.  In spite of what they did, I'm glad they survived the fight and were rescued (and that what they were hit with was only a false pregnancy).

I actually have considered to write a follow up story when Hyper realize it was a fake pregnancy a couple of years later. Actually I think the false pregnancy spell is one of my most evil ideas ever...

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Speaking of the Obliterator sequence, something you've been consistently good at throughout the story is showing how utterly terrifying psionics can be, whether it's the invasion of privacy, the abuse of consent or, in this case, the way the Obliterator uses its mental powers to cause the Knighthood members to ignore their teammates' cries for help or to fight and kill each other. 

Thank you for input. It makes me very glad since this was pretty much one of the core objectives when writing the story.

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Couple that with Jennifer fleeing through the city while the monster blows houses to bits while chasing her, and that whole sequence is really unnerving.  Nice quick thinking on Jennifer and the demon's part to hang onto the rubble and the Obliterator throw them away (also really nice last minute save by Eagle there).

Thank you. It is an action sequence I am quite proud off.

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It was also pretty nightmarish, although in a different way, watching Megaburst sexually abuse Firefly.  The seeds exploding in her vagina definitely made me cringe, thinking about the injury that would cause.  I did like how she managed to trick him into confessing to raping her on tape, though.

Thank you. The best part of it IMO is that Megaburst does it partly by mistake. Gives some perspective on the bitterness of Firefly for not been given fair handling by the press and fellow “superheroes”.

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This section of the chapter (the Obliterator sequence) also brings me to my only criticism.  The G.S.P.'s fight with the Obliterator, getting it attached to the rocket and launching it into space, is described via a reporter talking about it.  I kind of wish we had gotten to see it; to be with the G.S.P. team members as they did this.  Hearing about it from the reporter does show that the superheroes are public figures and give a sense of the people watching this stuff from their homes, but I still couldn't help wanting to be there for that scene, rather than being told about it.

I toyed with the idea of doing a full scene and even begun writing it at one point, but it looked like the page count would be huge with the full action scene included so I eventually went with the current news coverage of the final fight.

Something I actually have been considering to do is to break out chapter 9 and 10 into a separate stand alone story since these events kind of break the flow of the main story and instead add more heroes vs demon fight towards the end. Problem is just that this would leave the presence of Avalanche kind of hanging and her use of powers in chapter 11 would seem even more over the top for the reader.

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Of course, that is my only criticism of the chapter, and after that sequence we get a really great scene where Mindeye and Avalanche put Megaburst in his place in truly glorious fashion.  I especially like Mindeye's technically true statement that he isn't attaching any mental probes because of the whole question and answer power he has now.  Avalanche deflecting any seeds Megaburst tries to throw and making it just look like the wind is a nice contribution.  I'm assuming she was also the one who made him soil himself.

Yep, it was all Avalanche’s doing. You might be interested to know that this was the scene that I added to story after your feedback about the shortcomings of the previous chapters. Originally the Megaburst sequence ended with Firefly getting his confession on tape and him quit being a superhero. Problem was just that this left this villain free to continue his abuse of females and go into being an official villain so it never felt quite satisfying. The added scene where Avalanche is proven to have learned to restrain her powers work great on giving Megaburst the ending he deserves.

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Finally, the truth about Jennifer's demon comes out, at least to Fang, and we head to the tower for the final battle.  I'm looking forward to reading it!

I hope you don’t will not be disappointed.

[InBrightestDay]

16 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

I also had plans for it to allow me to show Jennifer ‘s rather weird reaction to Thundercloud’s actions, but honestly I don’t think I quite succeeded there. Jennifer’s reactions are hard to write in a good way. 

Yeah, she’s a rather complicated character.  Dealing with both the amnesia element and the demon sharing her body is a heck of a challenge for a writer.  For what it’s worth, I think you’ve done a fantastic job with her.

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A quite deliberate pun that is setting things up for surprising the reader when the horror of the chapter comes...

Well it freaking worked!  And wipe that evil smile off your face!

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Did you know they used 23 bombs there after moving the people away...insanely enough the inventor of bikini knew about this and deliberately chose the name since of bomb testing done there.

I knew about the extensive testing, but I did not know about the name.  That is a very weird thing to learn, and it does make me wonder what the inventor’s thought process was.

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I actually have considered to write a follow up story when Hyper realize it was a fake pregnancy a couple of years later.

Would the heroes actually wait that long to tell her?  I mean, I know she’s an enemy and all, but I feel like someone would say something after like a month.

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Thank you. It is an action sequence I am quite proud off.

It was really cool!  It has some great descriptions (the house exploding into splinters is a visual image right out of an action movie, and the dome of black energy the Obliterator releases is a creepy yet cool image), and that quick thinking Jennifer and the demon do to save their lives there is really neat.

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I toyed with the idea of doing a full scene and even begun writing it at one point, but it looked like the page count would be huge with the full action scene included so I eventually went with the current news coverage of the final fight.

I see where you’re coming from.  It’s basically the same reason I broke WitS Chapter 9 into two parts, because what I have as Chapter 9 now is over 11,000 words.  There is definitely something to be said for not making a chapter too long.

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Something I actually have been considering to do is to break out chapter 9 and 10 into a separate stand alone story since these events kind of break the flow of the main story and instead add more heroes vs demon fight towards the end. Problem is just that this would leave the presence of Avalanche kind of hanging and her use of powers in chapter 11 would seem even more over the top for the reader.

Obviously this is up to you as the author, but I think keeping Chapters 9 and 10 in the story works.  In my opinion, reading G.S.P. is less like reading a novel and more like reading a comic book series, with each chapter as an issue of the comic.  Therefore, we have story arcs, but plots can come and go every few issues.  The through-line for the story is the cast of characters we’re following, watching the G.S.P. grow together as a team and so on.  So taking an issue or two to develop Avalanche works, in my opinion, given this story structure.

Again, this is ultimately up to what you think is best as the author.  I’m just giving my opinion.

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Yep, it was all Avalanche’s doing. You might be interested to know that this was the scene that I added to story after your feedback about the shortcomings of the previous chapters. Originally the Megaburst sequence ended with Firefly getting his confession on tape and him quit being a superhero. Problem was just that this left this villain free to continue his abuse of females and go into being an official villain so it never felt quite satisfying. The added scene where Avalanche is proven to have learned to restrain her powers work great on giving Megaburst the ending he deserves.

Wow.  Well, thank you!  I did love the scene, and I agree with what you said there, that if he just quit being a superhero, he would still be a superpowered rapist loose on the streets.  I think having them deal with him in a more definite fashion was a good move to make.

Anyway, it’s on to the finale now (for both our stories, amusingly), and I seriously doubt I’ll be disappointed.  You’ve shown a real talent in handling the superhero action scenes!

[Thundercloud]

20 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

Yeah, she’s a rather complicated character.  Dealing with both the amnesia element and the demon sharing her body is a heck of a challenge for a writer.  For what it’s worth, I think you’ve done a fantastic job with her.

Thank you. I am literally dying to learn what you think about the actual ending when it is revealed what is really going on with Jennifer.

20 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

Would the heroes actually wait that long to tell her?  I mean, I know she’s an enemy and all, but I feel like someone would say something after like a month.

I really doubt that Hyper did stay in NY after her traumatic experience so it would makes sense that Hyper never would get the warning about what is going on with her body.

20 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

It was really cool!  It has some great descriptions (the house exploding into splinters is a visual image right out of an action movie, and the dome of black energy the Obliterator releases is a creepy yet cool image), and that quick thinking Jennifer and the demon do to save their lives there is really neat.

Thank you.

20 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

Obviously this is up to you as the author, but I think keeping Chapters 9 and 10 in the story works.  In my opinion, reading G.S.P. is less like reading a novel and more like reading a comic book series, with each chapter as an issue of the comic.  Therefore, we have story arcs, but plots can come and go every few issues.  The through-line for the story is the cast of characters we’re following, watching the G.S.P. grow together as a team and so on.  So taking an issue or two to develop Avalanche works, in my opinion, given this story structure.

Very interesting observation. Myself I have also been thinking that there really should be 13 chapters for a story with such a theme. Thinking about it like an issue of a comic reinforce that thought.

20 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

Anyway, it’s on to the finale now (for both our stories, amusingly), and I seriously doubt I’ll be disappointed.  You’ve shown a real talent in handling the superhero action scenes!

I say the same about your story...not quite ready to review chapter 9 of your story yet but with one more read you will get my review.

[Thundercloud]

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Carmen Elisa Needs to Die From JayDee on June 14, 2020

Part 5 – mostly spoiler free review ‘cos it is the ending after all!

Yay for the nice reivew. Thanks you for the very quick response on me posting the final chapter...almost as if you was sitting and waiting for me to post. This reply by the way turns up a couple of days later after a work week that was kind ofthe worst possible kind.

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Wowser! I didn’t expect that ending although it certainly does seem a fairly appropriate one. The demon is presumably laughing its ass off at that outcome.

I totally agree about the demon laughing at the outcome. It would be interesting to learn what kind of story ending you expected...maybe you could send it over PM to spoil things for other readers?

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Finally we meet Philip and I guess overall things go worse for him rather than better, but at least he got something nice out of it. Briefly. The later explanation of the actual history between him and Carmen and Lydia absolutely made some sense. I guess he really picked the wrong person to go gold digging with!

He got five years with Carmen so he got more than one nice thing from it...before things turned out rather horribly. Could also be worth to mention that I deliberately left it unclear of what happened eventually with Philip. There might be a story worth telling there...

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I thought the fight between Lydia and Lady Netter was the most badass bit – the other fights were much more one sided. Wouldn’t have said no to a fuck scene afterwards (there was enough left!) instead of what happened but of course time was a major factor so I totally get why it went the way it did.

Thank for the fair description of the fight. I think this really is one of my most badass fight scenes ever. Considering the killcount of lead character in my G.S.P story that says a lot. BTW...I am not sure if you are joking about the possibility of fuck scene afterwards. Quite sure that is not something that I would want to read.

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Nadia getting bred on her own table after the demon avoids or sees through her tricks was fuckin’ hot too. Witchery didn’t help there in the long run, but it’s cool how she and her sister get to act at the end and Lydia’s realisation.

I am glad that you like it.

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Overall a great little story and I am glad to have read all five parts!

Lol...little story…quite fair assessment compared to the length of some of my other stories. From another perspective is this story like around 60k words or something like that. Maybe I should self publish some day since it is a fair length for a novel...except there is always room for improvement without a beta reader.

[JayDee]

On 6/17/2020 at 11:51 PM, Thundercloud said:

Yay for the nice reivew. Thanks you for the very quick response on me posting the final chapter...almost as if you was sitting and waiting for me to post. This reply by the way turns up a couple of days later after a work week that was kind ofthe worst possible kind.

Just lucky I happened to check in the forum and see your promoted final part and had the time free to read it Sunday morning I hope ya have had a better week this week and have a better one next week.

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I totally agree about the demon laughing at the outcome. It would be interesting to learn what kind of story ending you expected...maybe you could send it over PM to spoil things for other readers?

There’s a spoiler tag right here on the forum!

Spoiler

I think I probably expected either the demon itself to appear somehow, or for a “getting away scot free” ending! That turn-about ending works great tho’

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He got five years with Carmen so he got more than one nice thing from it...before things turned out rather horribly. Could also be worth to mention that I deliberately left it unclear of what happened eventually with Philip. There might be a story worth telling there...

He could go to Hell, rescue anybody needs rescuing. And not look back at the last minute ‘cos that didn’t work out so well for Opheus.

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Thank for the fair description of the fight. I think this really is one of my most badass fight scenes ever. Considering the killcount of lead character in my G.S.P story that says a lot. BTW...I am not sure if you are joking about the possibility of fuck scene afterwards. Quite sure that is not something that I would want to read.

Heh, we’ll say I was jokin’ ‘bout afterwards.

 

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Lol...little story…quite fair assessment compared to the length of some of my other stories. From another perspective is this story like around 60k words or something like that. Maybe I should self publish some day since it is a fair length for a novel...except there is always room for improvement without a beta reader.

More of a turn of phrase really, but yeah 60k is thoroughly long!

Anyway, happy to have reviewed and read alla the parts

[Thundercloud]

On 6/19/2020 at 4:52 PM, JayDee said:

Just lucky I happened to check in the forum and see your promoted final part and had the time free to read it Sunday morning I hope ya have had a better week this week and have a better one next week.

The difference between now and then is spelled “vacation”.

On 6/19/2020 at 4:52 PM, JayDee said:

He could go to Hell, rescue anybody needs rescuing. And not look back at the last minute ‘cos that didn’t work out so well for Opheus.

Not a bad idea for a story...but I was thinking along the lines of Fitzgerald’s “Show me a hero, and I'll write you a tragedy.”

It makes sense that there eventually need to be a hero to try to make things right when the demon appears and there are plenty of reasons why this particular character might care a lot about what happened and have a story to tell.

On 6/19/2020 at 4:52 PM, JayDee said:

Heh, we’ll say I was jokin’ ‘bout afterwards.

No worry really. Honestly I have read stories where such scene would have fitted well, but I am guessing there might be some readers around that are a bit wary about checking stuff that makes JayDee talk about such things...I think there is plenty of darkness in the story. With a lead character that is evil or suffering from severe amorality depending on your point of view bad stuff happens but there are also a number of places when I decided against using more severe abuse to not obscure the story. The scene with the rape of the witch for instance could been used a lots of more violence, but I decided that having her put up less resistance made it work better.

On 6/19/2020 at 4:52 PM, JayDee said:

More of a turn of phrase really, but yeah 60k is thoroughly long!

The funny thing is that I started writing this with the aim to make something shorter than the epics that I normally get involved with. Problem was just that the story concept gave me such good ideas that the scenes kept adding themselves and scope keep growing.

On 6/19/2020 at 4:52 PM, JayDee said:

Anyway, happy to have reviewed and read alla the parts

Thanks again for the reviews. They mean a lot to me. Like I mentioned before in an earlier review this is a story that has always got good ratings but very little actual feedback  

[Thundercloud]

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With the Mirror Came.. Review From JayDee on July 03, 2020
Chapter 8 – spoiler warnings for review!

Whoo! You’re on a roll lately.

More like two stories who have struggling to get past the finishing line and I decided to synch the release since I managed to solve the final problems with the chapters about the same time. Nowthe pipeline is kind of empty.

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Back to pre-pandemic Stockholm we go.

Yep, it is very pre-pandemic. Going by things that happen in the story it is not entirely obvious when it is set but it is meant to be 2010-ish. A careful Swedish reader could probably narrow it down to 2010-2013 since the Ronja and Maria at one time talk about the kid that died at the tunnels of Slussen 2009 and Beckomberga hospital was redone into flats in 2013. Maybe I should add some refrences to the ash cloud in the previous summer...or maybe more the story to 2011 to avoid the issue.

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And the cliffhanger of who has caught them is revealed! I’m glad I didn’t have a bet on The Scooby Gang on vacation. In many ways they’re lucky it wasn’t an American government building – at least they didn’t get shot! I did half wonder If it was gonna turn into a guards on girls gangbang but they turned out to be honest joes! Good on ‘em,

I think it is fairly accurate description on what would happen with two white girls in Sweden. Persons from the Middle east or Africa would most likely suffered a much worse treatment.

Speaking about my writing process you might find it fun to know that the plot with government building was not part of the original plan. I started with go looking for which famous ghost location I would use and decided Axel von Fersen was the one. After quite some writing I happened to walk past the street and saw the government sign on the door. First it looked very mysterious to me since it is an ordinary house until I realized the backside of the house is turned towards the old libarary. I have not in fact visited the back yard between the houses so there is a degree of fiction here but it was a too good plot twist to not use.

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Genuinely can’t tell if the ghost does find the police involvement an issue or just used it to get more out of Ronja. Now I start worrying about Maria reading the site and getting upset with Ronja – I guess Ronja could always claim it was just her fantasy tho?

I think I can draw them further down before the revelation of all the secrets.  Cannot say who will surprise the other one the most...but it is sure to be a great scene to write.

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Ghost’s method of scaring the police into crashing was pretty effective, and that description of him panicking the chasing cop into firing wildly was cool! I think it’s partly that we just get the sound effects so it’s more atmospheric if that makes sense.

Good that the scene worked like intended.

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 That one line about Ronja thinking of squeezing Maria into her clothes. Heh. She ain’t so innocent that Ronja girl :p

Innocent compared with later in the story seem to hold for every single chapter....

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Maria’s self examination while waiting was hot – something about that line of remembering the fingers in her ass. She has a new interest! Totally makes sense she’d be keen  on taking a shower too. Running around naked and the rest of the evening’s activities got her grubby!

Getting it from Maria’s POV so we can’t hear the ghost talking to Maria works well.

I am very satisfied with Maria POV part. I am toying with the idea to include John’s perspective in upcoming chapters.

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That awkwardness over the mirror and then the feeling that the ghost is probably suggesting some perverted things, but Maria’s up for it an spreading herself! It was also really hot the way it started with Ronja masturbating under her skirt as Maria watched. Super sexy.

Thank you.

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Then I did laugh a little at Maria’s reaction to just how many sex toys Ronja had. It’s like her girlfriend had levelled up in the perversion – and this is while she has her hypnotised and is looking for something to stick in her ass!

*smiles*

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Fucking loved how she didn’t forget her desire for a shower either. Sorts Ronja out in the bondage, goes and has that damn shower! That’ll teach Ronja to just give her a blanket when she needs to get clean

She should have joined her girlfriend in the shower.

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The fuck session was also really hot. The lesbian stuff in this story has been great overall. When Ronja finally gets to lick, and using the mirror to watch them fucking… and I loved that reasoning for leaving Ronja in the straitjacket.

Really enjoyed part 8!

Thank you for the great encouragement. I very much appreciate the review.

[JayDee]

20 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

More like two stories who have struggling to get past the finishing line and I decided to synch the release since I managed to solve the final problems with the chapters about the same time. Nowthe pipeline is kind of empty.

Time for something completely knew or do you think you’ll start on a Carmen sequel or similar?

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Yep, it is very pre-pandemic. Going by things that happen in the story it is not entirely obvious when it is set but it is meant to be 2010-ish. A careful Swedish reader could probably narrow it down to 2010-2013 since the Ronja and Maria at one time talk about the kid that died at the tunnels of Slussen 2009 and Beckomberga hospital was redone into flats in 2013. Maybe I should add some refrences to the ash cloud in the previous summer...or maybe more the story to 2011 to avoid the issue.

Unless the actual year is necessary to the story it’s probably safe to keep on keeping the way you have been – helps stop it get too dated later on! :) I mean, except for the careful Swedish readers.

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I think it is fairly accurate description on what would happen with two white girls in Sweden. Persons from the Middle east or Africa would most likely suffered a much worse treatment.

Lot of that around, sadly.

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Speaking about my writing process you might find it fun to know that the plot with government building was not part of the original plan. I started with go looking for which famous ghost location I would use and decided Axel von Fersen was the one. After quite some writing I happened to walk past the street and saw the government sign on the door. First it looked very mysterious to me since it is an ordinary house until I realized the backside of the house is turned towards the old libarary. I have not in fact visited the back yard between the houses so there is a degree of fiction here but it was a too good plot twist to not use.

Ha! That’s pretty funny but also cool.

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I am very satisfied with Maria POV part. I am toying with the idea to include John’s perspective in upcoming chapters.

Will it be super masturbation heavy?

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She should have joined her girlfriend in the shower

I do get why she didn’t with that whole soreness going on down below. Probably would have come out dirtier than they went in as the poet had it.

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Thank you for the great encouragement. I very much appreciate the review.

No probs! It’s an entertaining story.

[Thundercloud]

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Time for something completely knew or do you think you’ll start on a Carmen sequel or similar?

The webrowser ate my reply when I was about to post it...anyway I am not totally decided yet. A Carmen sequel kind of demands a good twist at the end and I don’t have any developed ideas for that. Another option would be a superhero story as sequel to my G.S.P. story. All the good feedback from InBrightestDay has made me start thinking about possibilities. Another obvious candidate is The Tale about the Laughter of Azbezil where I so far has only revised the first third. Considering how much feedback that story managed attract despite my lower grasp of English language it is shame the rest of the story is not done properly.

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Unless the actual year is necessary to the story it’s probably safe to keep on keeping the way you have been – helps stop it get too dated later on! :) I mean, except for the careful Swedish readers.

I have an idea for sending the girls on a vacation abroad and in that scenario the ash-cloud would kind of obvious frame of reference. Maybe I should just send them by train and avoid the issue...

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

Will it be super masturbation heavy?

I can understand where you are coming from after reading this chapter but there is lots more coming considering the cosplay Ronja has agreed to do for him and John being convinced they are in mutual agreed lets-break-the-rules-of-step-siblings-and-fuck relation.

3 hours ago, JayDee said:

No probs! It’s an entertaining story.

I am glad to hear you say that. I will be looking into reviewing something in you backlog later this week.

[JayDee]

18 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

The webrowser ate my reply when I was about to post it...anyway I am not totally decided yet. A Carmen sequel kind of demands a good twist at the end and I don’t have any developed ideas for that. Another option would be a superhero story as sequel to my G.S.P. story. All the good feedback from InBrightestDay has made me start thinking about possibilities. Another obvious candidate is The Tale about the Laughter of Azbezil where I so far has only revised the first third. Considering how much feedback that story managed attract despite my lower grasp of English language it is shame the rest of the story is not done properly.

Your grasp of the English language is better than some peoples. I mean, I went to Kentucky once.

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I have an idea for sending the girls on a vacation abroad and in that scenario the ash-cloud would kind of obvious frame of reference. Maybe I should just send them by train and avoid the issue...

Ah, yeah, makes sense. Or they could go on an arctic cruise!

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I am glad to hear you say that. I will be looking into reviewing something in you backlog later this week.

No need, honestly! I don’t expect reciprocal reviews especially since I was going to read it anyway. That said, if you’re really keen on reviewing, InBrightestDay has a short nosex piece under books The Least I Can Do inspired by the original ending to my Whore of Heaven story! That’s not had a review from anybody but me and you’ve read WoH so you’d probably get something out of it Thanks either way and I look forward to whatever comes next!

[Thundercloud]

2 hours ago, JayDee said:

Your grasp of the English language is better than some peoples. I mean, I went to Kentucky once.

Amazingly enough I did not start with my current skills. I encountered my English teacher about 6 years after the last class and thanked him for his good lessons and he had no memory of me at all…looking at the texts I wrote back then that was probably quite fair. It is safe to say that I learned the bulk of my knowledge after school.

The Azbezil story was written between 2001 and 2006 and I have improved quite a bit since.Going by the reviews it was first of my stories that had a really good plot, at one point I even got a significant group of people to answer a survey what they thought about the story, but when I check it now I see lots potential for improvement.

2 hours ago, JayDee said:

No need, honestly! I don’t expect reciprocal reviews especially since I was going to read it anyway.

We can say I do it because the other authors of AFF should get the message...I am big into reciprocal reviews. *hint* *hint*

2 hours ago, JayDee said:

That said, if you’re really keen on reviewing, InBrightestDay has a short nosex piece under books The Least I Can Do inspired by the original ending to my Whore of Heaven story! That’s not had a review from anybody but me and you’ve read WoH so you’d probably get something out of it Thanks either way and I look forward to whatever comes next!

I already have that story on my possible-to-read list, but have not reached it yet. I also try to alternate around new authors on site so I don’t just read my favorites AFF writers and there is never enough free time for erotic writing/reading with family life intruding.

[Thundercloud]

On 7/6/2020 at 7:52 PM, Thundercloud said:

I already have that story on my possible-to-read list, but have not reached it yet. I also try to alternate around new authors on site so I don’t just read my favorites AFF writers and there is never enough free time for erotic writing/reading with family life intruding.

I recalled why I never got to actually read The Least I can Do….I was looking for this before since you mentioed it in one of your stories (Jude’s Tale) but came to conclusion that it was not posted online yet. With other words...thanks for the tip that it is located in the books sections of the archive.

Edited July 7, 2020 by Thundercloud

[Thundercloud]

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Reviews for Tales of Deception - An Anor Dan Masin story
From Poison Chamomile on November 14, 2020

After a few reads, I'm leaving my comments.

Sorry for you having to wait for the response, I have been kind of busy with private stuff and had totally missed that you put a review for this story.

I take it as a compliment that you had read more than once before leaving your comments.

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Thank you for the note in the beginning which provided context. Having the story open with the real Lish trying to comfort the shaken up couple was a great intoduction.

Actually this detail of the story was provided in the main story by Mmmmm, but I agree that it is a good setup. One of the reasons why I accepted the request to make a contribution to this story was the setup.

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Mala's line, "I second that request but could we for once skip those embarrassing stories about how you used to party with my wife before I met her," made his fate even more tragic. The Lish lookalike's blank response to the memories served as great hint. Kerry's subject about having children provided another great hint.

Kerry's actions were very hot and very sick, yet they added to her unbalanced character. Even the elf-demon refused her - which was comical. The elf demon's dry wit and cruel humour was a refreshing way to use character depth.

Great that the character interplay worked as I intended it. IMHO the behavior of Kerry is very creepy, good that came across as hot also. If you want more of her you should check the original story. Mmmmm uses her charming personality quite well.

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Faux Lish's line, "what kind of reputation would I get if I sent the elfdemon back without getting any pussy," earned a few chuckles.is

*smiles*

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The sex scenes between Drana/elf demon were incredibly steamy. Drana's escape attempts from the circle and her concern for her husband, proved her resilience throughout the ordeal. Loved the twist at the end when Drana broke the spell circle. Great symbolism with the candles and wedding ring.

When I wrote it I had a plan for a follow up about the wedding ring when the main story was done. Sadly the author never finished and I missed to ask the author for permission to use the characters more before I lost contact with the author.

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Overall, this was a sexy and fun PWP.

Thank you for the encouraging review.