This is a review exchange thread!

[Madlyn0Hattie]

Title: Dresden Files: Collapse to your Needs.

Genre/Group: A through F > Dresden Files, The >

Summary: Harry Dresden hasn't been with a woman in three years. Fallen Angel Lasciel offers herself to him, but Dresden is determined to resist. How far must she go to succeed?

Warnings: COMPLETE, HJ, Language, M/F, Oneshot, UST, WD

Link: http://books.adultfa...hp?no=600094334

I've just left a review for this.

I have exactly two stories- no preference for which one is reviewed.

Title: Nothing Left to Win

Genre/Group: TV Shows -> Alice (Syfy)

Summary: Hatter and March have a nasty history, which March wants to revisit. Hatter is willing to comply, as long as it keeps Alice safe. Hatter/March sex, Hatter/Alice feelings.

Warnings: Angst, Bi, Bond, COMPLETE, Exhib, Humil, Language, M/M, NonCon, Oneshot, Oral, RapeFic, Violence

Link: http://tv.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600095755

Title: A Triangle Has Three Sides

Genre/Group: TV Shows -> Alice (Syfy)

Summary: When you've been around as long as March has, you got to enjoy breaking people. He's never had two people to play with who were so stubborn about it before.

Warnings: Abortion, Anal, Angst, AU/AR, Bi, B-Mod, Bond, BP, CBT, D/A, DP, Exhib, F/F, F/M/M, Fingering, Fist, H/C, HJ, Humil, Language, M/F, M/M, Moresome, NonCon, Oral, Other, Preg, RapeFic, Rim, Rom, Slave, SoloF, SoloM, Spank, Tort, Toys, Violence, WIP

Link: http://tv.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600095872

I realize that NonCon isn't everyone's cup of tea, and that it's a small fandom (these two are literally the only stories there), but I'd really appreciate anyone who looks at them. I'll even do a direct review exchange- that is, you review my story, and I will review one of yours in turn.

[Madlyn0Hattie]

Dropped off a review for you. I enjoyed this one and may take a look in on your other story, but that 'abortion' warning has me kind of leery.

Well, that's what the warnings are for. We haven't gotten nearly that far yet, if you'd like to take a peek, though I've got warn you, it's shaping up to be a long, dark, dark, dark story. I can't emphasize the 'dark' enough. It's a story about a bored, functionally immortal sociopath trying to break people with sex just to see if he can. Trying to see an end that isn't near-crippling codependency for Hatter and Alice is hard, and I've never written a downer ending in my life.

[Aysha c.c.]

Hi Im Aysha I reviewed FairySlayer's Cheeky Girl Story Link: http://cartoon.adult...hp?no=600092647

Review Link: http://cartoon.adult...ad&no=600092647

I thought it was a good story so if you like fem slash loli give it a read.

Ok here are the stories I would like reviewed in the order I would like to have them reviewed in. Thank you.

Title: Teen Titans and A sex-fiend

Genre/Group:DC 'Verse Cartoons - Teen Titans

Summary:Raven finds a book and learns an unexpected lesson, One she has worked hard to avoid.

Warnings:Anal, Angst, Bi, BP, Contro, DP, F/F, Fingering, F/D, loli, M/F, MiCD, Minor1, Minor2, OC, Oral, Other, RapeFic, Rim, TF, WIP, WS. Some warnings aply to later chapters most actually.

Link: http://comics.adultf...hp?no=600060924

Title: Dragon Ball Z the lost episodes

Genre/Group:Anime/Games Archives/ Dragon Ball Z/ Het - Male/Female

Summary:Puberty hits Gohan just before leaving for Namic and Bulma is the only Dr. that can help.

Warnings: DP, HJ, M/F, Minor1, Oral, Other, WAFF, WIP

Link: http://anime2.adultf...hp?no=600023837

Title: Ben Ten, He Saw It

Genre/Group: Cartoons/ +1 through F/ Ben 10

Summary: Ben walks in on Gwen and sees somethng hes not suppose to. and it gose from there.

Warnings:COMPLETE, Contro, H/C, Inc, loli, M/F, Minor1, Oral, Other, PWP, Rim

Link: http://cartoon.adult...hp?no=600093503

Edited June 23, 2012 by Aysha c.c.

[gossamersilverglow]

Reviewed Ch. 1 of Ben Ten, He Saw It. The way the story was set up though was that all the chapters were in one chapter. So I hope reading just the first was okay since it was a genre I’m not overly familiar with.

My review to Ben Ten, He Saw It Ch. 1:

So the introduction is all run on. It’s kind of a choppy, never ending sentence. I would suggest rereading it and shortening it. Not only that, but add some detail other than the sexual ones. Like what color is the towel she grabbed for? How about some condensation on the mirror or the shower door, remnants from the hot shower? It doesn’t have to be a lot, a simple, well structured sentence goes a long way.

Anyhow here are some typos to correct: “Gwen stepped out of the shower wrapped her hear in a small hand towel and then rapped herself in a regular bath towel…” Comma after shower, hear should be hair, another comma after towel, rapped should be wrapped and there should be a period where I put the ellipses. When you’re listing two or more things each item should be separated with a comma. Next: “The bath towel was just wide enough to cover her from her small budding ten year old breast, to her just starting to widen hips, stopping about an inch below the line of her ass.” Noticed I capitalized the *T* in making it a new sentence. There should be a comma after ‘to cover her,’ if only to make it flow better…fix those mistake and this sentence wasn’t that bad. It has a lot of potential.

“Gwen opened the bathroom door and walked out into the open living space of the rust bucket, knowing that Ben and gram paw hade each gown to do their own thing.” This sentence is telling us the living space is a rust bucket instead of showing us. As a reader, we don’t see what you see as a writer, so you have to describe it. I’ve never really heard of a living space as a rust bucket though, a pigsty maybe, but rusty? Maybe use a different word. The last part of the sentence goes way over my head and I can’t make any suggestions because I just don’t understand it. At first I thought you just misspelled grandpa (or maybe it was intentional?), but like I said, I’m just not sure.

“She hadn’t felt like going out so she had decided to stay and have a shower while the guys were gown; her shower had taken much longer than she had anticipated…” Gown should be gone. Be careful with your use of semicolons because sometimes it’s just an excuse to make the sentence unnecessarily long. I would suggest putting a period after anticipated and starting a new sentence with Ben. That sentence isn’t so bad either. It’s another one that shows some potential, but needs a few more descriptive words.

You use semicolons way too much. I find that if you can’t properly place it than a period usually works just fine. I’m guilty of using them too much and not even properly, so I know. Then a reviewer told me that bit of information and I’ve changed my ways. Now when I see it’s bothersome. Consider this suggestion.

“He took a few deep breaths*,* enjoying the feel of the cold air filling his lungs.” Nice. Sometimes a little description goes a long way!

“Ben turned into the living area expecting to see Gwen geeking out on her computer, instead for a short time he wasn’t sure what he was seeing.” I enjoyed the way you used ‘geeking’ in this sentence.

‘Whoa dude, she’s ten should she be cussing like that’ was my first thought, but I’m guessing there isn’t going to be a giant time skip making her of age and that she’ll be having sex with Ben? I’m over it.

It feels like someone completely different wrote this next group of sentences: “It was a statement of fact and at the same time a venomous accusation, not a question. Her embarrassment had reached a level she had never known in her life, and Ben was just standing there, staring at her, and not blinking.” I was genuinely surprised after reading that and then I was stumped. If you can write like that I think maybe you need to go over the rest of chapter one and make it like that.

Overall, I’m not big on her being ten and I don’t remember seeing a loli (I assume that’s what this means) warning for this particular fic. I would suggest including it. Keep writing!

__

I have other stories but I’m looking for reviews for only two right now. I hope it’s okay that I don’t list all of them though. Also these are my original stories, not fan fiction. I don't remember reading that this was exclusively fan fiction, but if I'm wrong I apologize.

Title: Macabre: The Gothic Boutique
Genre: Romance/Supernatural
Warnings: None so far
Summary: The only place in the world where you can host a vampire, participate in a full moon change with a werewolf, and take a walk on the wild side in Fairy Land. Buy one event, at $299.99, get one free, plus the opportunity to win another on October 31st. For the full Halloween experience, come a week early. Each event requires an entire week of your time.
Link: http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600106457

Title: Buried
Genre: Horror/Thriller/Romance
Warnings: Rape, mentions of date rape drugs, violence, gore, torture, language
Summary: What is a friend? A single soul dwelling within two bodies…what happens when one of the two disappears? Would you look for them? Would you fight for them if they were in danger? Would you die for them?
Link: http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600105289

Thanks!

[Aysha c.c.]

Reviewed Ch. 1 of Ben Ten, He Saw It. The way the story was set up though was that all the chapters were in one chapter. So I hope reading just the first was okay since it was a genre I’m not overly familiar with.

My review to Ben Ten, He Saw It Ch. 1:

So the introduction is all run on. It’s kind of a choppy, never ending sentence. I would suggest rereading it and shortening it. Not only that, but add some detail other than the sexual ones. Like what color is the towel she grabbed for? How about some condensation on the mirror or the shower door, remnants from the hot shower? It doesn’t have to be a lot, a simple, well structured sentence goes a long way.

Frist let me say thank you for going into such detail. This was actually the first story I ever wrote. It was about seven years ago and my dyslexia was in full force. It has taken a lot of hard work to overcome it, and it still takes a lot of vigilance to make sure it doesn't show its ugly head.

Now, as to your review: Yes you are right, the introduction is one big run on. I will revise, thank you. As for the details you bring up. If this were a true story and not a pwp you would be quite right, those details would add an extra layer of depth to the story, however this is a "porn without plot" so I just don't think that kind of detail in this area of the story is necessary. Thank you for the suggestion anyway.

Anyhow here are some typos to correct: “Gwen stepped out of the shower wrapped her hear in a small hand towel and then rapped herself in a regular bath towel…” Comma after shower, hear should be hair, another comma after towel, rapped should be wrapped and there should be a period where I put the ellipses. When you’re listing two or more things each item should be separated with a comma. Next: “The bath towel was just wide enough to cover her from her small budding ten year old breast, to her just starting to widen hips, stopping about an inch below the line of her ass.” Noticed I capitalized the *T* in making it a new sentence. There should be a comma after ‘to cover her,’ if only to make it flow better…fix those mistake and this sentence wasn’t that bad. It has a lot of potential.

Again you are right about all of the points you make her, and I will make these corrections. As a dyslexic it is often difficult to see certain kinds of mistakes and I appreciate them being pointed out, such as (hear and hair) it is likely I would never had seen that without your help.

“Gwen opened the bathroom door and walked out into the open living space of the rust bucket, knowing that Ben and gram paw hade each gown to do their own thing.” This sentence is telling us the living space is a rust bucket instead of showing us. As a reader, we don’t see what you see as a writer, so you have to describe it. I’ve never really heard of a living space as a rust bucket though, a pigsty maybe, but rusty? Maybe use a different word. The last part of the sentence goes way over my head and I can’t make any suggestions because I just don’t understand it. At first I thought you just misspelled grandpa (or maybe it was intentional?), but like I said, I’m just not sure.

Actually this sentence is telling you that the living space is in The Rustbucket as that is the nick name of the R.V. that Grandpa Max drives. That's the kind of thing you only get if you watch the show, but I should have capitalized it and made it one word. As for gram paw (should be one word) but yes I did it like that because that is how Gwen pronounces the word in the show. I will however address the other misspellings you pointed out.

“She hadn’t felt like going out so she had decided to stay and have a shower while the guys were gown; her shower had taken much longer than she had anticipated…” Gown should be gone. Be careful with your use of semicolons because sometimes it’s just an excuse to make the sentence unnecessarily long. I would suggest putting a period after anticipated and starting a new sentence with Ben. That sentence isn’t so bad either. It’s another one that shows some potential, but needs a few more descriptive words.

You use semicolons way too much. I find that if you can’t properly place it than a period usually works just fine. I’m guilty of using them too much and not even properly, so I know. Then a reviewer told me that bit of information and I’ve changed my ways. Now when I see it’s bothersome. Consider this suggestion.

Yes I do to this day tend to abuse the semicolons and I am trying to get better about that but they are kind of like potato chips for me, one just isn't enough. lol. Thanks again for pointing out the misspelling.

“He took a few deep breaths*,* enjoying the feel of the cold air filling his lungs.” Nice. Sometimes a little description goes a long way!

“Ben turned into the living area expecting to see Gwen geeking out on her computer, instead for a short time he wasn’t sure what he was seeing.” I enjoyed the way you used ‘geeking’ in this sentence.

‘Whoa dude, she’s ten should she be cussing like that’ was my first thought, but I’m guessing there isn’t going to be a giant time skip making her of age and that she’ll be having sex with Ben? I’m over it.

It feels like someone completely different wrote this next group of sentences: “It was a statement of fact and at the same time a venomous accusation, not a question. Her embarrassment had reached a level she had never known in her life, and Ben was just standing there, staring at her, and not blinking.” I was genuinely surprised after reading that and then I was stumped. If you can write like that I think maybe you need to go over the rest of chapter one and make it like that.

Overall, I’m not big on her being ten and I don’t remember seeing a loli (I assume that’s what this means) warning for this particular fic. I would suggest including it. Keep writing!

Well I'm glad I was able to surprise you in the end, and that you liked that part. When it comes to a ten year old kid cussing like that, I think that most people tend to underestimate the language skills of kids. I have been royally cussed out by an eight year old.

The Gwen character is a confident/mature (for her age) type, and I think, under these circumstances would have called Ben a fucking pig!

The warnings for this story are clearly marked as loli and minor 1. and have been for over a year. This story is really about the sexual tension that can build up between siblings/cousins with out them even realizing it. I know for a fact that, from personal experience, that this kind of sexual situation does develop with kids, as a preteen I was very active with the girls in my neighborhood so I don't think that this story is at all a stretch. Especially in modern times.

You did a wonderful job reviewing this chapter, and it is my hope that you can overlook the fact that the characters are ten years old, I would love to get some feedback on the descriptiveness of chapters two and three, and of course any misspellings you care to point out.

As a reward I think I will likely read The Gothic Boutique as I really cant handle "Rape, drugs, violence, gore, torture."

I will endeavor to do as well as you, when I do the review.

[gossamersilverglow]

As a reward I think I will likely read The Gothic Boutique as I really cant handle "Rape, drugs, violence, gore, torture."

Thanks, I appreciate it.

The warnings for this story are clearly marked as loli and minor 1.

I probably missed this at first because I didn't know what it meant.

Actually this sentence is telling you that the living space is in The Rustbucket as that is the nick name of the R.V. that Grandpa Max drives.

What was this fan fiction from anyhow?

You did a wonderful job reviewing this chapter, and it is my hope that you can overlook the fact that the characters are ten years old, I would love to get some feedback on the descriptiveness of chapters two and three, and of course any misspellings you care to point out.

I'll be happy to.

Yes I do to this day tend to abuse the semicolons and I am trying to get better about that but they are kind of like potato chips for me, one just isn't enough.

I tend to abuse the word 'though.' Drives me crazy when I reread my stuff. @Aysha c.c. If you want to give me a way to contact you I'll send over my comments for the rest when I can get to it.

@AliTwivira Aysha's post was a response to the review I'd given her. So technically before you can request a review you need to give one to one of my stories. Basically, you review a story from the previous post (one that actually had a request not a reply to a review) then you request one for yourself. This is how it continues. Of course I'm no Mod, I don't want to step on anyone's toes. Just thought I'd point it out.

Edited August 6, 2013 by gossamersilverglow

[DemonGoddess]

gossamersilverglow is absolutely right in how this topic is supposed to work

[Aysha c.c.]

I wanted to let you know that I have read chapter 1 of Macabre, and I think it a really good start on a really good idea for a novel. The only real detractor I see is how long you make the reader wait to find out the main character is female. It kind of makes the character seem like a guy with a granny fetish. EWE!

I will do a full critique of the chapter, but I wanted to give you my general impression because I have been a bit busy. When I have finished writing the critique I will edit this post.

What was this fan fiction from anyhow?

It is from the original Ben 10 cartoon series. If you have Netflix you can watch it on there. The original is the one where they are 10 years old.

@Aysha c.c. If you want to give me a way to contact you I'll send over my comments for the rest when I can get to it..

If you could send it to me in a PM (privet message) that would be great. thanks!

@gossamersilverglow, I decided to send you a PM.

Edited August 16, 2013 by Aysha c.c.

[Diizoid]

I read and reviewed all of gossamersilverglow's Macabre: The Gothic Boutique.

Review: Chapter one - You had my interest hooked at the summary. Thereafter I kept reading for the good build up, introduction of Annabelle's 'voice', opinions, and slight flaws. Her reservations about spending such a large sum of cash in one fell swoop is quite understandable. She feels *real* in a way that I haven't read from a character in far too long. Maggie is equally well played so far.

Chapter two - More good stuff. The description of Macabre is thorough enough without going overboard to get a clear picture. Their reactions to James continue to play out rather well - he *has* to be a vampire given the setting.

Only errors I spotted were when Annabelle says she noticed the man behind the counter. You're missing an "on" in the description just beforehand. Another error seems to be the usage of world instead of word from Maggie a few paragraphs later, and a missing usage of "you" when Maggie asks about the shop taking Mastercard.

Chapter three - The word "either" is used a bit too quickly near the start - first in describing Dr. Sutter's eyes, and then almost immediately afterward in the next paragraph when mentioning Annabelle's. Just something that jarred me out of the narrative for a few moments. Also, Annabelle mentions James' eyes turning from blue to black twice within several paragraphs.

This chapter was a bit less of an impact, I suppose. Not sure why, but my interest dipped a bit and didn't return quite to where it had been throughout all of the first two chapters. Having Annabelle actually take note that something is wrong is good for her character, but it just didn't connect as well. Not quite sure why.

Still! Bring on chapter four! I want to see where this goes.

------

I've got a couple of stories in particular that I'd appreciate some reviews for;

Title: Lessons in seduction
Genre/Group: Books > A through F > Eragon
Summary: While training with Oromis, the old elf realizes a critical flaw in Eragon's lessons. Thereafter he sets about rectifying the younger Rider's ignorance. Warnings for future chapters!
Warnings: D/s, HJ, MC, M/F, Oral, WIP
Link: http://books.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600095328

Currently just build-up, but still.

Title: Dresden Files: Collapse to your Needs.
Genre/Group: Books > A through F > Dresden Files, The >
Summary: Harry Dresden hasn't been with a woman in three years. Fallen Angel Lasciel offers herself to him, but Dresden is determined to resist. How far must she go to succeed?
Warnings: COMPLETE, HJ, Language, M/F, Oneshot, UST, WD
Link: http://books.adultfa...hp?no=600094334

Mostly build-up, teasing, and a far shorter climax than I would have preferred, but I wrote this one a while back and I think that inexperience probably shows.