This is one of my newer, favorite reviews to my story Buried. The words in between [ ] are from the actual story itself.
"[Warning: Hints at date rape drugs, rape, murder, and torture.] Lovely. [Jamie Anderson's head was pounding as she opened her bleary eyes, waking to pitch black darkness, an odd earthy smell, and a piece of hair tickling the tip of her nose.] like I said with “Time loop”, this sentence is brimming with adjectives and it is a mouthful. Try separating it into several smaller ones and you should be good to go
[she frowned shaking her head] try “She frowned and shook her head as she…”
[Drinking is bad] this line made me laugh for quite some time. It’s like the big fire bear coming into your room and shouting “ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT WILDFIRES!”
[she paused, hoping for an answer, "come on, this isn't funny.] try [she paused, hoping for an answer. “Come on, this isn’t funny.”]
[she drew in a deep, shaky breath as her eyelids started blinking rapidly over her blue eyes, blew out, took another breath, and repeated before responding. "Who is this?] It’s Jigsaw. Welcome to Saw Fifteen, bitch. I like how you explain things about Jamie’s personality and backstory in dialog, like how she asks “is this some kind of senior prank?”
["No, you stupid bitch! Get the fucking lighter."] I laughed here too XD I like this unknown asshole
[Little whores are so predictable.] story of my life I need a drink. Oh wait, I can’t have a drink, because according to Jamie, underage drinking is the devil’s hobby…I have to ask myself why this guy hasn’t raped Jamie already if he already raped her friend. Or did he rape her friend? {The reviewer asks this because I do NOT write detailed rape scenes--just mentions of the actual word rape--it's sole purpose is for the benefit of the killer and the plot}
[some real Hostel shit] laughed here too. Is that the movie that inspired this scene? Interesting. Haven’t seen it. Don’t plan to.
Okay so this story is pretty fuckin amazing, and I do NOT say that a lot. The ending totally floored me. I did NOT see Jamie’s death coming because it seriously seemed like she would be the main character. Excellent, EXCELLENT job switching it up. Just…wow. I’m speechless."
I would consider this a pretty perfect review. I get some constructive criticism and the reader clearly enjoyed it.
This is to my more recent story Macabre: The Gothic Boutique. Just my favorite parts though, it was a very long review that had some constructive criticism involved (which I have everything fixed that was suggested now):
“Let me just say before I get into the review, that when I read the summary to this story I immediately thought it sounded like such a badass idea. So I can't wait to see how you handle it. Also, since you say this is a really rough draft, I'll try to point out typos and technical stuff to help you in the editing process. {Which was done and that’s what I cut out}
I think what really shines the most in this chapter is the relationship between Annabelle and Maggie. I particularly enjoy how you give them each their own quirks and habits, like Maggie's cleanliness, or Annabelle's obsession with Halloween. The whole thing about the credit card was done really nicely, too. I love how they have these little inside jokes between them, like "the big one." That not only shows how close they are, but it also shows the reader that there's much more to their relationship than what we see on the surface. One thing my creative writing professor told me was that it's not really important to show the reader 100% of everything about a given character or a situation, but to just convince them that 100% exists. So only showing them 10% of a character isn't necessarily bad, so long as it feels like there's an existing 90% that we might never even see. This is done by, like I mentioned above, giving really specific examples and quirks to your characters - like the kitty litter in Annabelle's apartment, and Maggie's rich father who's a total tightwad. Very good job with that; you explore their relationship really well.
I also think you provide enough plot and character to make the reader want to keep reading, and this definitely doesn't give off the impression that this will be a dense story. Seems like it'll be a pretty easy, light read, which I think is effective and makes sense, and it will most likely appeal to your audience. You don't bog the narration down with backstory or info-dumping either, which I appreciated. You build on Annabelle and Maggie's characters very gradually, helping me ease into things without a wall of information I'll have to digest first. So thank you for that. ”
Here’s another one from my story Time Loop:
“Well, this wasn't what I was expecting at all! I loved it though, it made me feel all weird and tingly at the back of my neck while I was reading it. The atmosphere you created was really fantastic I thought, it made me really feel cold, as though I was being watched. Your really good at creating an emotive response from the reader, I think (from me, at least) and I'm glad you didn't reveal whatever it was that killed them all in the end. It made it a lot darker and thrilling to not really know. It gives the reader the opportunity to cook up something horrific in their own mind, and that's clever of you, because everyone is afraid of different things. It would be something different for everyone. I know a few of your reviewers have said they felt the characters and their relationships were a bit bland, and to begin with I felt Dani was very cold to everyone. As the story progressed, however, I felt like that was deliberate on your part. Her feelings towards them altered accordingly with each time loop, which I think is right considering the ending. They needed her to grow so they could all move on, and you handled that really well. The relationships were bland in the beginning, but that was because Dani was trying to stay distant. I felt like this was best illustrated by her relationship with Tommy, which became more and more important to her as the story went on. Reading it a second time, I felt that this bit was really clever of you: "Dani, this is not your fault. Accept it so we can move on. We all need to move on," Anna continued. "We need to get out of this-this purgatory and move to a better place. Please can't you understand that this is not your fault? None of us have ever blamed you for this." "Anna!" Tommy scolded, glaring at her so intensely that Dani looked startled at the exchange. When I first read it, I very vaguely thought to myself, 'What's he shouting at her for?' but it was such a passing blip, I didn't think much of it at first. The second time I read through though, it made a lot more sense, and I felt that it was great writing for you to hide that, something that seems so obvious to me now, and bury it in such a way that the reader doesn't necessarily notice the strange exchange right away. Very clever! The story itself was really original, and I really enjoyed it. I had no clue what to expect at the beginning, but I was pleasantly surprised by how you decided to end it. It's not often you get to read such a well rounded story with such a limited word count. You're really good at trimming the fat when you write, I think. You tell us what we need to know and it's always very on point. Good stuff! Looking forward to reading more of your work!”
Those are my favorite, more recent ones.