Review responses for "Whoops" [The Loud House]

[GeorgeGlass]

Here's where I'll post responses to reviews of my The Loud House story "Whoops."

From ANON on July 23, 2016

Wow poor lincon now he has to deal with his sisters un intesional delema the older ones i undestand but why lucy is she mature alredy or did she had some kind of feelings for lincon that were inhance by the pheramon cant wsiy and see what you come up with for the next chapter

You’re correct about Lucy: She is only 8 years old, yet she clearly has been affected by the pheromone. This subject will be addressed (briefly) in the next chapter.

Thanks for the review!

Edited August 4, 2016 by GeorgeGlass

[GeorgeGlass]

From ANON on July 23, 2016

Awesome. Totally and absolutely awesome. Love that Lisa did not think things through and realize "Hey, the super-phermomone will probably work on me and every other female in the house as well!"

If Lisa were great at thinking ahead, the roof of the Loud House would probably have a lot more of its original tiles (although somehow that Frisbee and boomerang stick to it like glue.).

Glad you’re liking the story so far!

[GeorgeGlass]

From Fairy-Slayer on July 24, 2016

Chapter 1 is off to a great fun start. Good job on the narration and what a perfect way for a day off to suddenly turn into one of the most-embarrassing chores for a boy. (Though it sounds like he's fairly used to it by now, which makes sense.)

Even though Lincoln has been exposed to such things for a long time, I imagine that age 11 -- when a boy may be starting to make the transition from “girls have cooties” to “girls make my insides feel funny” -- is probably a particularly awkward time to be dealing with “girl stuff.”

Great work on the sensory breakdown as he made his way back to his room and smelled the pie, and then Luan's "unusual" way of wiping it off of his neck was the first not-so-subtle indication that something was awry in the Loud House. The way she got embarrassed and made a lame joke while making her escape was fun, and my thought is that she's still young enough where she's not as affected by whatever concoction Lisa cooked up for Pythagoras (or wasn't exposed enough to it... or maybe there's something else you're saving for later ).

Age is a little bit of a factor, but it's mainly just that Luan strikes me as having less experience with boy-girl stuff than Luna does. (After all, Luna tried to fix Lincoln up with a girl at his first concert, much to the boy's embarrassment.)

However it was awesome to see that Luna wasn't fighting the effect at all; and if not for getting the hint by then Lynn would have been fighting him out of his underpants if he hadn't been one step ahead. Cute of Lucy to be two-steps ahead and waiting for her favorite sibling with such a sweet poem, but luckily he was able to get her out without Lynn being able to bust in. (And the fact that Lucy was so affected, though still meekly, gives me a second hint about what you may have up your sleeve.)

You aren't the first reviewer to take note of the pheromone's effects on the prepubescent Lucy. This subject will be addressed in the next chapter.

Then Lisa showing up was fun because we didn't know yet whether she was making her move on the boy, though once she explained her predicament and Lincoln reminded her that human females would be affected by her chemical too then the use of the title was downright awesome.

Lisa has a classic case of Mad Scientist Syndrome: She gets so caught up in finding out whether something CAN be done that she forgets to consider whether it SHOULD be done.

Now I'm really looking forward to seeing how Lincoln will remain safe in such a known and vulnerable place in the house, or if he can make a break for it.

We shall see!

The only thing that's certain is that Clyde will be kicking himself when he realizes that he could have ditched the math tournament and "accidentally" gotten between Lori and Lincoln at some point. Oh well.

It might be for the best. Just being anywhere near Lori is enough to overload Clyde's brain; her throwing herself at him would probably necessitate a factory reset.

I toyed with the idea of Lisa confessing to having a crush on Clyde. (“I realize that the substantial difference in our ages makes such a relationship socially unacceptable, but there are very few boys my own age who both are physically attractive and know their way around a quadratic equation.”) I decided against it, though -- chiefly because Clyde doesn't appear in the story, so there wouldn't be much point in introducing the subject. Maybe in the next one.

As always, thanks for betaing and reviewing!

[GeorgeGlass]

From ANON on July 25, 2016

The story is great so far and I can't wait to read more, I also like how you watch and get info from the show so you can use it in your stories like the underwear thing with Luna,

I only like to write fanfic about shows with which I am extremely familiar, because for me, part of the challenge and the fun of fanfic writing is in capturing the essence of the show that inspired it while finding ways to tell new kinds of stories (read: pornography) with the characters. So thanks!

anyway I think your other stories are great too but I hope to see more of this one.

Thank you! You will definitely see more of this one.

[Guest Anon]

Love it, can't wait for the next chapter. Please tell me it's soon!

[GeorgeGlass]

Love it, can't wait for the next chapter. Please tell me it's soon!

It's in beta right now, so yes, soon. And thanks!

[GeorgeGlass]

From ANON on July 31, 2016

Wonderful and awesome story.

Thank you!

I wonder what will happen when the girls come back to their senses.

We shall see... *rubs hands together*

From ANON on July 31, 2016

it's so good I hope it keeps going

Thank you, and it will!

[GeorgeGlass]

From Fairy-Slayer on July 31, 2016

DISCLAIMER: I'm the proofreader. Also, I intentionally am ignoring all of my story notes in hopes of not simply repeating myself to the author.

Chapter 2 – SPOILERS!

First and foremost, Lisa's line "I can do a lot of things," still haunts me.

My feeling about Lisa is that being four years old and the only genius in the family, she’s probably sensitive about people underestimating her. So that line seemed like something she might say.

It's clear that the chemical is affecting her, she knows it, and she's even willingly giving into the urges. Maybe she really can attenuate the horniness effect by giving in to them a little, but it true that highly intelligent people are better at rationalizing their emotional & primal feelings and actions. Even her keeping Lincoln trapped in the house, instead of sending him out the emergency slide before activating the blast shields, is suspect to me. (BTW, also hilarious work on having blast shields, especially since you hadn't heard of Rick and Morty when writing that.)

Cutting off all communications did seem like Lisa was concerned for her sisters' safety and reputations more than anything, but it just so happens that now Lincoln has no options for help other than her now, no matter what.

“Very sneaky, sis.”

That's a good point, and one that I hadn't fully thought through. I think I can use that insight to strengthen the next chapter, so thank you!

And I believe it's "Pretty sneaky, sis."

As for Lily, I thought she was going to get a complete pass (to the chagrin of people who wanted to see her involved), and I think you handled the delicate balance there with great elegance and fair satisfaction for everyone's tastes.

Thanks! I actually like babycon, but it didn't seem appropriate for this story. That said, I didn't want Lily to go unmentioned, either, so I figured the cutaway scene with the pacifier would be a decent compromise.

Lola's call was awesome, especially describing "a dash of menace" for her usual tone. Her dialogue had me expecting something good to begin with, but then Lincoln's priceless reaction and broken-up description gave me a perfect mental image of how the little beauty queen had prettied herself up for her dear brother; then the part about focusing on her wiggling bottom just to get more of a rise out of him made it even more delicious. (Also, talking with her butt is very much Jim Carrey approved.)

Being a literal beauty queen, Lola probably works (out) hard to look her best. And, no doubt, she has an exhibitionist streak. So I figured that exposure to the pheromone would make her want to show herself off.

The other girls' comments from outside the door were quite nice, with Lucy's being especially cute for her personality and Luna's boldness. Lana offering to use her handy skills to solve the problem efficiently was a nice twist, so I guess the girls don't want to get in trouble for breaking the house even if they end up breaking Lincoln. (His back, his sexual organs, his psyche, his will to live...)

Gotta take character moments where you can find them. I never thought I'd be doing so much with Lana in this story, but being the resident slob and fix-it gal, there's plenty for her to do. And thinking back to her caninesque behavior in “Undie Pressure,” I thought it would be fun to include a bit of that.

Nice soliloquy for this chapter, especially about it not being his sisters' fault except Lisa, though her trick to distract the other sisters and get him to her lab was priceless.

Psychology is a science, too.

That also seems to solidify the fact that the pheromone induces actual heterosexual mating, not just a desire for sex or orgasms. The girls could easily give themselves or one-another all of that if pure horniness was the only effect. Man, I'm again impressed with Lisa's abilities, considering how much specificity there is to the chemical's effect.

Girl can formulate, yo.

The whole "Lana the bloodhound" bit was played out beautifully, in perfect cartoon style to the biscuit at the very end. Good thing she can't bark out the phrase that Lisa's got her hand on Lincoln's butt or that door wouldn't last an instant.

It may not last long in any case...

So much for my big thought about how Lisa would try to counteract the chemical: After Luan's embarrassment when she licked the pie off of Lincoln, I wondered if perhaps the lemon (or something else in the pie) was interfering with the pheromone a little and that it would turn out to be a clue of how to make a suppressant that would last until the pheromone wore off. Now, judging by Lisa's exposition, it does seem that the girls do have moments of semi-lucidity about their actions after the fact and be capable of a little shame. (But what's incest without shame? )

Yes, good thought about the lemon, but a lemon gag and a lemon-based antidote in a lemon fic would be more citrus than I could handle.

But yes, the girls are not completely out of their minds. This actually makes them a bit scarier; mindless sex-zombies can't, for example, grab an electric screwdriver to take a door off its hinges.

So I guess for now the part about "a Loud pounding" won't just apply to Lisa & Lily's bedroom door.

Yee-hah!

Thanks for another awesome chapter and making me crave more.

You are more than welcome!

[GeorgeGlass]

From Lunarsilver on July 31, 2016

Maybe the girl genius only had time to make one cure for her so she can focus on making more and made something for Lincoln to help satisfy all the girls urges like giving him twelve inches and thick as a wrist with enough energy to satisfy all his sisters holes and when the girls See Lincoln new endowment they're all eagerly submissive after the girls are cured they had the memories erased but Lincoln and his new endowment and energy is permanent. is this idea ok

I've already got the events of the rest of the story pretty well planned out, but thanks for the suggestions.

[FairySlayer]

First and foremost, Lisa's line "I can do a lot of things," still haunts me.

My feeling about Lisa is that being four years old and the only genius in the family, shes probably sensitive about people underestimating her. So that line seemed like something she might say.

I meant especially in the context of the pheromones' ever-increasing effects on Lisa as the story goes on, even though I know it was meant (and understood) like you say. I should have been clearer that I found it menacing in the face of her being not just an underestimated super genius but a potentially sex-crazed super genius.

And yes, a lemon antidote would be an irony overload, and perhaps even more ironic since lemons don't have that much iron in them.

Edited August 2, 2016 by FairySlayer

[GeorgeGlass]

And yes, a lemon antidote would be an irony overload, and perhaps even more ironic since lemons don't have that much iron in them.

Okay, I deserved that.

[GeorgeGlass]

From triphordy on August 03, 2016

i really love the way yo made the occupant of the loud hose retain thier original characteristics, like lincoln reading comiics in his underwar, luan lame jokesa and lisa extensive sentences, it really made the story more interesting. cant wait for more.

Thank you! Being faithful to the characters is always a top priority for me, so I'm glad it's working for you. More "Whoops" soon!

[GeorgeGlass]

From ANON - Awesome so far. on August 08, 2016

A great start! Can't wait for more. Feels like an actual episode.

Thanks! I consider that high praise.

Unlike Lincoln I would totally be okay with getting the girls' period products.

My feeling is that even though Lincoln has had a lot of time to get used to that kind of thing, being on the cusp of puberty (along with his peers) probably introduces new awkwardness to having to deal with anything opposite-sex-related.

Where did you come up with the idea for this story?

Being big on writing incest fics, it became clear to me shortly after I started watching The Loud House that it was pretty much the ideal fandom for that sort of story. And the fact that one of the Loud sisters is a mad scientist opened up a lot of possibilities for plot devices to get some Loud-on-Loud sex going in a plausible way (by cartoon logic, at least).

Keep it up bro!

Will do!

[GeorgeGlass]

From ANON - thundermoonbear on August 17, 2016

WOOT WOOT! Good to see you're back at it. Hopefully, more people start showing some love to this show. The story pool is really small right now, but I have faith in rule #34.

Hey, if it couldn't be counted on, they'd call it Suggestion #34.

I really like how well you translate the characters to keep them believable in your story.

That's what I'm all about, homey! Well, that and the humping.

A thought to consider, do you recall the episode (chore and peace, I think?) Where Lisa was riding a tentacle from a monster she created as it helped her clean the house? Just a thought, might be fun to experiment with that one.

I rather wondered at the time whether that was an underhanded homage to Japanese tentacle porn. I wouldn't put that past the people who wrote the "You know, I'm noticing a complete lack of balls in this room" bit.

Thanks for the comment!

Edited August 19, 2016 by GeorgeGlass

[GeorgeGlass]

From Fairy-Slayer on August 18, 2016

The formula in chapter 3 may have been Lisa's plan B*, but I give it an A+. I knew something was up the moment she said Lincoln had to receive the formula because the problem was with the sisters. (Sure, the injection could have made him register to the girls as "not a man" or something, I suppose, but this is a lemon after all. )

I won't tell Luan you said that. It would hurt her feelings.

Also, great to hear her "I can do a lot of things" again, especially in this context.

Honestly, I probably wouldn't have thought of repeating that line if you hadn't said something about it in your review of chapter 2.

The intensity of the girls' desire for him was portrayed fantastically, so matter-of-fact and even with the realization that it was wrong. Lori saying as much and then ignoring it until after the first turn with Lincoln was great, and even better that with them knowing that all of the other sisters were watching eagerly too. No jealousy is certainly a plus, and the way Lori and Leni were able to get back to normal afterwards was a good sign. (Then again, that hamster is still on the loose in the vents, so…)

Besides, the fact that they came to their senses right after orgasm doesn't mean that their desires won't come back. Much as in real life...

Good thing Lisa included some anti-anxiety medication in the "save Lincoln's ass from dying from too much ass" formula. The bit about them being Catholic was perfectly timed and just a beautiful thing.

Just makes sense, doesn't it?

The bit about Lincoln being smooth was cool too, but given his life situation he would have some good instincts when it comes to making girls happy apart from sexually.

Especially his sisters; we've seen a lot of evidence on the show that he knows what makes each of them happy.

Leni's talking would drive most people to softness, if not insanity, but he made it work.

Boy can speak Leni.

The bits of detail for each climax are a sweet payoff for all the wonderful build up to now, and being to-the-point works well with so many girls lined up and waiting.

Yep. Lots of lady Louds left to...darn it, I can't think of a word that means "satisfy" and starts with L.

Great job on so many little jokes throughout too. Having Luna provide a soundtrack to the event was funny, and Lola's remark about Lana's overalls was fantastic. (I'm glad you ignored the first rule of Fight Cloud in this case. ) Lisa's bits of humor were great too, especially the flavor of the special painkiller for the occasion. (Good thing too because regular NSAIDs can dull sexual response.)

I might write a The Loud House story in which the sex isn't constantly broken up by jokes, but this ain't that story.

Best of all, you've left me satisfied but still wanting so much more. Thanks for another great installment of this happy tale.

You're most welcome! Thanks for betaing and reviewing!

*Speaking of "Plan B" I hope Lisa can whip some up for her older sisters so they don't end up having even more kids in that cramped house.

Hey, now, no spoilers...

[GeorgeGlass]

From blackshadow on August 24, 2016

great story

Thanks!

i am guessing lori regrets what she has done

She's conflicted at the very least.

but i am guessing not all of the them will regret it i hope even after they all have their turn with lincoln they will still want him in the same way

We shall see.

and i hope the story will keep going after they have all had their turn with lincoln

No spoilers.

i am enjoying it

I'm glad. Thanks for the comment!

[GeorgeGlass]

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From ANON - on August 29, 2016

Awesome first chapter. The dialogue was kept very in-character and I hope you can maintain it through out the story.

 

Thank you! In-character dialogue and behavior are a high priority for me.
 

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I also love the buildup you have going, though I hope it doesn't take to long for the Loud sisters to get their hands on Lincoln

 

I think you’ll be satisfied with the outcome. The Loud girls certainly will be.

Thanks for the comments!

Edited August 31, 2016 by GeorgeGlass

[GeorgeGlass]

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From ANON - ANON on September 07, 2016

This is the greatest story i have ever read,

 

Wow! Thank you!

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this story is just as good as another comic i read, called Lincoln Louder (check it out!) but sadly i think got abandoned but is quite a long nsfw story.

I’ll have to give it a look some time.

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I love the loud stories that include all the sisters and this was very entertaining to read and kept me wanting more. I hope you make more stories after you finish this especially ones like these!

Oh, yes, I already have a couple more ideas for The Loud House stories. Stay tuned!

[GeorgeGlass]

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From ANON - Big Brother on September 17, 2016

Poor Lincoln, haha.

 

Indeed.

 

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From ANON - Big Brother on September 17, 2016

Now Lincoln has no way out.

 

“The only way out is through.” --Robert Frost

 

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From ANON - Big Brother on September 17, 2016

Great chapter.

 

Thanks!

Edited September 17, 2016 by GeorgeGlass

[GeorgeGlass]

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New review for Whoops from Lunarsilver

So Lucy wants her mouth, pussy and ass stretched so wide open that Lincolns dick is the only one that can fill it and make her feel like a virgin every time as she squeezes him like one too, cool.

You and I would seem to have a very different understanding of what “make love with me” means.

[GeorgeGlass]

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New review for Whoops from Dragonking23

Really well put together story

Thank you! More story to come.

[GeorgeGlass]

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Chapter four was a lot of fun with a few of the more feisty girls getting their turns. Luna's intense jam session was quite nice and sweet in its own way. You captured her personality well in her dialogue, especially the lyrics references. Hitting Luan with the pie was genius, plus even more fun with a little food sex to start off lots of oral action.

Food-sex is really not my thing, but it just seemed so appropriate for Luan that I was willing to venture outside my comfort zone to write it.

 

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Lori's subtle nudging in that direction was brilliant, though the Luan jokes we did get were quite fun and very much in-character, even in this special situation. Wrestling Lynn for dominance definitely made their session much more fun and satisfying, for both of them I'm sure but also for us.

 

 

Now that part I really enjoyed writing.

 

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It's very in-character how much thought Lincoln is giving to make each sister's turn all the more fun, even if mainly just trying to satisfy them all quickly so they won't rip him apart. Still, it's so sweet that the girls may still want him sexually even after the pheromones wear off.

You left off at a perfect point too, building a lot of anticipation with Lucy's serious statement, plus showing her eyes for emphasis was brilliant and sweet.

 

I thought about Lincoln pretending to be a vampire, or maybe just "playing dead" (hey, maybe rigor mortis DOES give a guy a de facto hardon), but all of that seemed too predictable. Then I thought, "What if underneath it all, Lucy is a romantic?"

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BTW, you accidentally left in the descriptive paragraph about Lincoln needing to tally his own Hail Marys even though you'd converted it to Lincoln's narration just before. (I figured it was a good idea to keep an "as-posted" copy too.)

 

In the words of Lisa Loud, "Whoops." I've fixed it now.

 

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Thanks for another lovely, sexy installment of this fun tale.

And thanks for another delightful review!

[GeorgeGlass]

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From ANON - Big Brother on October 13, 2016

“I need you to make love with me.” I love this line.

 

Thanks! I wanted to end the chapter with a bit of a surprise.

[GeorgeGlass]

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From Saint_Wanker_Kris on October 15, 2016

So, Lisa's the a less assholery version of "Dexter"... I guess she's far more sociable than the redhead used to be, though, she apparently is as irresponsable as the "original" cartoon genious.

 

Oh, yes indeed. Like Dexter, Lisa has a classic case of Mad Scientist Syndrome: She’s so focused on what she COULD do that she forgets to consider whether she SHOULD do it.

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I must confess that Lincoln persona is slightly annoying with his tendency to break the fourth wall. Which apparently is canonical, and done in a more humorous sense.

I don’t mind the fourth-wall breaks on the show, but I had to ask the advice of the folks here on AFF about how best to make it work in the story. It was on their advice that I decided to use a different font and indent the text to indicate when Lincoln is speaking.

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I guess I'll have to get accustomed to it, at least you do it with some modicum of sense and the commentaries end up adding more to the story than substracting or breaking the pace, which is good.

Thanks! I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t just window dressing.

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Apparently you're going with a slow burn story, good. At least you're not jumping ahead into the sex, as I might need to get the gist of every character and their traits. The video you left helped a lot, but I prefer to read and grasp them.

I began writing this story because I liked the plot and setup even more than the payoff (ie, the actual sex).

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I commited the mistake of reading other stories before yours, to compare... and Good Lord... the angst, the fandom is already filling with a good amount of angst, which is... kind of tiresome in the long run, especially as the authors hasn't updated in a while, or doesn't seem all that interested in updating or advancing further than they already are.

The angst thing is weird to me, because Lincoln doesn’t strike me as being any more prone to it than your average cartoon character.

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Then, there's the other story, which apparently the author is bitting more than he could deliver with a frustratingly slow story that's trying to give way too much attention to too many characters... which is why I'm hoping you don't commit the same mistake, the series seems interesting, not as much as SvsFOE, but apparently good enough for a laugh or two, and obviously, a good amount of porn.

Given that The Loud House is a lighthearted comedy (with some messages about family thrown in), I really don’t want to deviate too far from that tone, even with the addition of sex.

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Let's see how you manage to deal with so many characters, and not make it bothersome or downright boring.

It ain’t easy! This thing has turned out to be a bit more of a marathon (for me AND Lincoln) than I anticipated—mostly because I was so focused on the setup that I didn’t think about how much payoff there would have to be. I guess I’m a bit like Lisa that way.

 

[GeorgeGlass]

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From Saint_Wanker_Kris on October 15, 2016

Hell... you're going to get a lot of flak due to how young some of the characters are.

 

Probably no more than I got for my Phineas and Ferb stories, though. I’m used to that by now.

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Now, It's interesting that Lisa is actually far more sociable than the usual trope of boy/girl genious/prodigy. Her lisp/tick is also quite adorable when it comes out, and you do it well enough without overusing it.

Thanks! That’s what I was going for, because I started reading a story in which Lisa’s lisp was visible in every line of her dialogue and that made it almost unreadable.

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Now I wonder, how aware are the girls of what they're doing? It's just a mindless desire, or the pheromones are overworking their sexual drive to such a extense, that they actually don't care about what they're doing, they just want release, and Lincoln is obviously the only male available.

It’s powerful, but not mindless. More discussion to come.

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Also... I'm quite curious, it's slightly improbable that from such an amount of girls, none of them had displayed so far homosexual/bisexual desires. Is Lincoln the only one that's going to get pursued? It seems so... Also, I'm quite curious why the pheromone doesn't affect him, I mean, while it's devised to enhance his own, the girls are in overdrive... they should be expelling their own mutation of the pheromone, or their regular one with such a huge amount of girls... he should at least be slightly affected, though, he's full of chemicals right now due to his panic, so I guess that's countering some of the effects.

Lisa’s formula was designed to make her female mice want to mate with the male one. She didn’t want the females to just lez out on one another rather than mating with Pythagoras, so she made the formula very targeted. Also, it didn’t occur to her that Pythagoras might be freaked out by the sudden megadose of attention from the females.

Responses to your other two reviews are forthcoming. Thanks for reviewing!