Review Replies - Stormborn

[BronxWench]

pittwitch 2012-03-10 id # 3000045456 Well done, wench. Well known to you that I don't game, so this world is completely unknown to me. You've drawn me in and I can't wait to read more. Thanks for sharing, PW

Thank you! Honestly, I really expect this one will be a bit of a sleeper - old game and even older author, and all that. But I do intend to finish this one, eventually.

Holly_Storm 2012-10-02 id # 3000046710 I have very much enjoyed this story...will you be continuing it?

I do intend to finish this, and have just been dragging my feet. I will get there, I promise!

[BronxWench]

Holly_Storm 2012-10-04 id # 3000046723 Yay, another Chapter! It seems you have gone pretty deep into the lore behind Neverwinter as well. I'm going to be greedy and say more please!

Thank you! I'm a huge Forgotten Realms geek, and I enjoy reading works from this 'verse as much as I do writing fiction based there. I'm glad you're enjoying my take on this story arc, and I promise I'm hard at work on more chapters.

[BronxWench]

Gslinger 2012-11-05 id # 3000046976 GReat Story really well done, read 11 Chapters.... can't wait to read more! Gslinger

Thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying it, and there's definitely more.

[BronxWench]

wanderingaddict 2013-01-06 id # 3000047334 hey yo Bench, it's been waaaaaaaaay too long since I've read this story. also I've never left reviews? omg that was crap of me, I'm sorry!

so, I'll start from the beginning again and go in sections of 10 chapters each. sound fair? alright, well, I have to say that reading these first ten chapters really made me want to play the game again, even though I really hated it and totally thought it was crap on my first playthrough. it's just fun to see the set-up of the village elaborated on, to read about Daeghun's little rituals and what he does wandering the marsh. it really fleshes out what was a sadly blank character. also, having the first few chapters just be from his perspective really helped to bond with him and his frustrations, while slowly setting up that Tae is a strange girl - even to a wood elf raised by wild elves (who themselves were apparently raised by wolves or something because holy shit Daeghun your interpesonal skills are TERRIBLE). gotta say though, making her a spirit shaman was BRILLIANT. it really drives home her connection to the Mere - where before it's just kinda like "really Daeghun? the entire Sword Coast is at your disposal and you choose to raise a child in the derpiest backwoods-barely-above-hillbilly area with only one road into town and that road is IT?"?

it really makes the place feel like home to her, that was a very nice touch. I can see why she'd actually fight to defend it, instead of just rolling my eyes and being like "Who cares about a backwoods "village" that has barely fifty - if that - people?" plus the spirits and hints of a fallen civilization here at the start of the story make a very nice setup for the overarching King of Shadows thread that's there in the first game.

I can't really think of much criticisms, other than that perhaps Tae is a little too... callous? with regards to her relationships with other people. like, it's sort of hinted to her by Storm that there will be a battle here, so I can see why she'd be prepared, but overall she's not really... upset or anything. on the one hand, it fits, because as a spirit shaman she knows that Death is not the end and in a lot of ways it's just sort of a revolving door, but on the other she is just 16 and these are her best friends that have died here and she is suddenly leaving the Mere for the first time in her entire life. it's totally not fitting of her character to be destroyed or floored or anything, but there's very little mention of her personal reaction to these event. her laying with Bevil in the ruins is kinda the best and worst of this, because you accurately show her intense surprise and it's clear why she would lie with Bevil, but it's less clear like... whether she ever found him attractive and backed off for Aimee, or if she feels guilty (on Aimee's behalf), whether she's shocked she's done sometihng with Bevil that she never did with Webb.. just some personal reactions.

but I totally dig those and would insert those everywhere into every story so I'm really not the best person to comment on about that. I'll get to the next 3 secotions in the upcoming week here.

Hey! Life gets busy and you have a great deal going on, so no worries about not reviewing! As you can tell, it hasn't seemed to have daunted me. ::grins::

I've always hated the way the game left so many NPCs as ciphers, and especially some of the NPCs that can really shape a PC, like Daeghun. Sadly, the writers managed to take the NPCs they tried to flesh out and turn them into caricatures instead, but that's what you get when you sell out. I have to confess that the spirit shaman thing was part of why I started this fic. It was a challenge to myself to take a potential Sue and see if I could write her as a non-Sue. I'm not sure if I've succeeded, but we'll see....

And yes, part of the reason she's not quite as distressed by death is her connection to the spirit world and her knowledge that death is only a step on the path. The rest is both immaturity and the fact that she wasn't raised to be terribly in touch with her emotions. I can't see any child raised by Daeghun, no matter how much time they spent with the Starling family, being able to grasp emotional subtlety. So, yes, she was certainly surprised when she and Bevil had a quick tumble in the ruins, but it was more likely because she'd never considered him as a bed partner. One of the areas that her journey will make her grow is in learning to cope with emotions and attachments, or at least I hope I'm managing that. If I'm not, I trust you'll kick my ass and tell me so. The irksome thing about fan fiction is that you often begin with a character or plotline that makes the MC largely a Sue/Stu to begin with, and getting past that to find the flaws and person beneath is what makes it fun. At least for me, anyway.

But, thank you for taking the time to leave a really thoughtful review. The feedback is how I'm going to continue to grow as a writer, and I truly appreciate the time and consideration you've put into this.

[BronxWench]

RogueMudblood 2013-02-17 id # 3000047616

I want to say this first: I am not intimately familiar with this world. Having it presented to me in the way that you've done, bringing these characters to life with such realism, is perhaps the best introduction I could have to this realm. I find myself intrigued, and I wanted you to know that.

Chapter One

You do an excellent job in conveying the speech patterns of your characters. I like that you extend that into your prose as well, so that there's no loss of the atmosphere you're shaping.

Tae'uomi is a very observant eight year old, to recognize that it wasn't her presence on the Mere which had concerned her father. And I adored the way that Daeghun dealt with Georg.

Chapter Two

You had me snickering at the very dad response to the need for young ladies' under garments. Priceless!

I find it telling that it's always a woman who has the temerity to address the sternest of men. It's also always satisfying to me when the women can admit that they had made improper assumptions and apologize for their misconceptions. I do like that he's willing to set her mind at ease, especially given the familial relationship gradually evolving between Retta and Tae'uomi.

You did very well showing Daeghun's insecurities while maintaining his regal air.

I'm enjoying the intrigue you're weaving here.

Chapter Three

Daeghun is such a male. It says quite a lot, however, that Tae'uomi is familiar enough with his mannerisms to know that he's only being himself.

You've done very well capturing both the enthusiasm and the fears of a child. Her comments about the lizardfolk as well as her overall demeanor and thoughts of 'adventure' reflect this very well.

Bringing up the danger she will face at the end of the chapter introduces a new element into the story. Up to this point, you've maintained an air of curiosity, and it's intriguing that you're now changing that to reflect the darker elements that are sure to come.

Chapter Four

Such conversations as you have the two of them engage in are never easy for the parent. I like how you demonstrate her candor. Her openness is so typical of a child, and so very well done, especially in the way she responds when Daeghun pulls her out of the water. I don't begrudge him his reaction - I certainly would have been terrified had my child simply stopped breathing underwater. I adore her statement, though:

“I never breathe the water. It doesn't feel nice.”

I must say I love that you introduce us to the information as the characters learn it, rather than throwing everything in at once and leaving us overwhelmed. Thank you for that.

Chapter Five

While necessary, it tugs at my heartstrings that he has to leave her. The way you introduce this mysterious shaman is intriguing - at once I'm not sure where his path resides, nor where he will lead her. Does he walk on the side of angels or is he of the devils of the world? You have her show her trepidation, yet at this point, I'm uncertain if that is at the initial situation itself, or if it is of Grigorei overall. I adore that you have her demonstrate such strength at the end of the scene, though.

Her near-death experience - the pain of having her relive those moments - that was heart-wrenching. I find that I'm glad, in a way, that she'll not have to remember those moments with such clarity yet.

I'm afraid that I must stop here (you already have forty more chapters posted, so this will take me some time to read through!), but I do fully intend to come back to this in the near future.

Thank you for sharing, and happy writing!

I'm going to start with a huge thank you for your incredible review. It's just amazing to me to have someone who isn't familiar with the fandom dive right in and tackle this monster of a story. It's not even until Chapter 9 that I actually begin on game content, these first chapters being my notion of a back story to help it all make sense.

As I've said before, it's hard dealing with game fandom characters who are often expected to be somehow larger than life to cope with the plot line. I tend to think it's the flaws and how a character copes with them that can be more appealing, and that's where I have tried to go. If I've succeeded, then I'm delighted, but if I haven't, I know you'll let me know and that's even better.

I'm even happier that I am managing to make the fandom intelligible. I really did want to try and avoid the huge infodump that can occur, and there's the corresponding issue of being so familiar with a 'verse that I can forget to mention certain things. Obviously, so far, so good, but do poke if I get vague or overly informative.

And again, thank yo so much for reading and reviewing.

[BronxWench]

wanderingaddict 2013-08-08 id # 3000048633 oh okay, I think in my last review I said that it seemed Tae'uomi seemed to adjust "too fast" to all the death? yeah that was a chapter too early it seems. in terms of the meta, a *little* more of that exposition distributed throughout the earlier chapters, like maybe just a little more about how it was hard for her - as a kid - to distinguish between the dead and the living would have been appropriate. there is the suggestion of that, I know I know. it might just be my own perspective - I so RARELY think of "spirits" as in any way "once-living" or human. part of that is that I watch a shit-ton of anime so I have a much more "they're kami" perspective whenever I even hear the word spirit so all the mentions of her listening to "spirits" in the earlier chapters made me interpret it more as her listening to wackadoo, kami-type creatures that are fish-like and crazy extensions of the natural world, not so much the spirits of the departed.

so, the next chapter where she meets Amy's ghost and all was way solid. and then, continuing on from there, the stuff with the passing of her mentor and everything else really helped bring it all together to convey her cavalier attitude towards what would normally be a heavy topic for most people. some of the continuing stuff I only vaguely remembered, but I was pleased as punch to see her take the diplomatic routes with the lizardfolk! personally I liked the lizardfolk in Shadows of Undrentide and I've always liked lizardfolk in general. they're a neat fantasy race that I feel never gets done justice, and being able to resolve things realistically - in a way that doesn't create, say, cold-blooded swamp-stalking hunters intent on executing every human they see (since what other reason would they have to live for if their entire tribe, in a land with human kindgoms on all sides, was wiped out?). I liked resolving the tense scenes peacefully, and lawlz, I forgot how much character Shandra had! damn she was a bright star in that first game. some of the other characters though... man. I totally forgot all about Elanee and her creepy watching/waiting thing. come to think of it, I don't really remember a huge middle chunk of that first portion of the game. and I never beat it actually so the ending will be news to me!

I am really liking her interplay with Sand, however. I mean, on the one hand it's like "okay, girl, you're like, what, 16? sand, dude. duuuuuuuude. she's sizteen, and you're an ELF. HOW old are you? your picture makes you look like the Agent Smith from the Matrix's age, which for an ellllllllf, duuuuuude. come on." hah!

but then, I know, I know, she's not REALLY just sixteen since she's an ancient reborn spirit and whatever not. also I suppose he realistically doesn't have much of an idea as to her exact age, since she comes out of a hard area and is a genasai and all that so she could be at that mysterious, indiscriminate kind of age where it's like "16 or 45? who can tell!" in which case damn she better thank her parents for their hella good looks! haha damn though, here I was just commenting in my previous review how she'd have learned more emotion had she been raised by wolves instead of Daeghun and then she gets mad enough at Sand to hurl a mug at his head. it's neat to see her get her feathers ruffled, especially when *I* was starting to get a bit irked by how often Sand called her "child" and "girl". lawlz! aww and she even picked out a nice tunic to wear too! hah!

waddict! You have no idea how much this made my day. After three days of jury duty, and then finally getting sent home to find out that my computer was stone dead, rushing out to buy a new one, and staying up too late to try and get myself to a state of functionality on the new computer, this was exactly what I needed this morning. One of your wonderful reviews.

I'm glad you're enjoying this and honestly, I never got the need to fight the lizardmen all the damned time, either. West Harbor coexisted all this time with the clans, and there was no reason for anyone to barrel in there and be aggressive, in my opinion. I'm glad that worked!

And yes, Tae has a temper, and Sand lives up to his name sometimes. Going by game canon, she should be about 18 when she reaches Neverwinter, but she's still vastly younger than Sand, and he loves to play games. It's inevitable that they will butt heads, since anyone that can survive being raised by Daeghun is not a doormat and Sand is used to Duncan, who's like shooting fish in a barrel. Tae is attracted to Sand, but that doesn't mean she'll take shit.

And Agent Smith meets Elrond, I know! I really would love to have been sharing a Thermos with the artist who did Sand.

[wanderingaddict]

heh, I'm glad I could brighten your day a bit! I wanted to add a little more, since that review was only 6 chapters or so and I do need to set these up in sections of ten (for my own sake so I don't lose where I am).

just to get this part out of the way, and because it's something I always... um, try to consider? or at least examine critically; there've been a number of places where someone not versed the games could really get lost. I say this partly because this is new to me in general; I don't usually read anything from fandoms I'm not well-versed in (and usually if I'm approaching something new I go and wiki the thing beforehand just out of my own curiosity). obviously there are some things that can sail overhead whenever a person steps into something they don't know, and there are a bunch of places where your own additions actually add a ton! having Elder Navean know Grigori is really fitting, ties the Circle and Elanee to the actual plotline (instead of having them just be random side-cahracters where the PC is like "k, why the fuck didn't you druids fix this yourselves 20 years ago?" and whatnot), and also gives depth to the all the characters involved in general. it ties the Mere to Neverwinter, which in turn keeps the swamp relevant (again, instead of being the backwater dump that nobody should logically care about).

hah, I know I keep reiterating that point, but god damn that just annoyed me so much about the game. the Neverwinter Woods, which in the first game was one of the most extensive, enthralling areas, is right nearby; Neverwinter City AND Luskan are both explored (to a degree, at least) and yet we keep getting told this crappy murky swamp, that was crappy and murky since EVER, is "important"? tsk.

anyways! yeah it keeps it relevant - there are people there, it's not a worthless strip of land that could sink into the sea and literally nobody would notice was missing, and your tying your OCs to these NPCs really adds a lot of depth. where it falls a little flat - and I know this is mostly a matter of convenience and brevity on your part - is like when Tae and Elanee are talking to Navean at the Sky Mirror and it goes like "Hi Navean!" and he's like "lol Hi Tae!" and then it just cuts to "after his speech, Tae went on with her day" and I was like "lol wait, waaaaaiiit! I DON"T KNOW WHAT HE SAID OMG"

so yeah, I mean, I'm just poking a little fun at that part there. it wasn't like bad or anything, and I know these were written an age ago, but it's happened a couple times thus far and being inclusive for those who don't know a story is something I try really hard for so yeah. just wanted to point out that matter there. I mean, it was probably something super bland and boring and "dire" (and I use that word loosely, because I don't recall feeling interested or invested in anything even once that entire game), and totally appropriate to skim over - but maaaaybe not skip entirely? just something to consider in your future writing, if you ever catch yourself doing it.

otherwise it is pretty need to see what even minor fleshing out of these characters can do. I really cannot stress enough how much I hated them. all of them. esepxially after Hordes of the Underdark, and playing other, GOOD games like Fable and Summoner and rpgs that made you like the side-chars. to have these assholes just keep fighting and bickering and none of them were interesting or unique or even really that friendly? it was just like gaaaaaaaaawd damnit could you twits shut up for thirty seconds?

so yeah, all the little interactions are what really brighten my day with this story. like Elanee pulling Duncan away when he's about to freak out on all the soldiers in his inn, or whenever Tae and Neeshka have their little sistery-thing going on. it really adds a lot to them! oh yeah, too - one other complaint; Duncan is a half-elf and yet he calls Elanee "lass" - it makes sense with Kelgar and Sand, Sand because he's totes high and mighty and all that and Kelgar because that's how he talks, but at that time for Duncan, who's like at most equal-ish to Elanee in age, it's a little like "eh?" particularly since she's a pretty elf woman giving him attention and I know that I never, ever want to call a girl who's attention I'm enjoying something that would imply I'm old enough to be her father. it's just a line that feels like it was written too-strongly from Tae's perspective, you know?