Metroid - the Bergman Affair feedback, comments, and workshopping

[HunterOpera]

Not knocking tact at all - I just really like your fic and I want to know where it's going and what you've got in mind. "Hey, come check out this amazing thing I can't tell you about" is pretty much advertising in a nutshell, and I'm sold on whatever you've got coming.

Russia is kind of... Russia. It's a special place that only really makes sense from the perspective of Russia. Even their history is special in a sort of way that only makes sense because it's Russia. The various False Dmitris comes immediately to mind as the sort of madness that only could have happened there. Besides, it wasn't the Russians that beat Germany in WWII so much as the country itself; Russia trumps pretty much anyone in a land war by virtue of being Russia.

Highest possible recommendation on the Red Letter Media reviews. It's one of the funniest and most detailed deconstructions of anything you'll ever see, and one of the most helpful guides on how not to tell a story anyone could hope to watch. The fact that it's told from the perspective of an aging serial killer just makes it better. There's some awesome stuff there and it doesn't seem nearly as long as it is when you're watching it.

Edited November 25, 2012 by HunterOpera

[HunterOpera]

Oh, and I fixed a single word in the edit above; originally I wrote in "...and whatever you've got coming," which doesn't make any sense.

I need coffee. Then finish the next scene. Then, maybe, sleep.

[evilcarebear]

It's good to know at least one person will be looking forward to my story after a four month wait. I suddenly feel like a horrible person.

I decided to watch the review right now because sleep is for the weak. His voice, oh my god, his fucking voice. It's amazing. I couldn't stop laughing throughout the entire video just because of his voice. I'll probably have to watch it a second time to catch everything, but it really is incredible how little sense every single decision makes when you think about it.

Random side-note - Do you have any idea what these points are about? I apparently have a little over 2 thousand dollars in this site that I would like to put elsewhere.

Also what is this emoticon? WHAT EMOTION DO YOU REPRESENT!?!?

[HunterOpera]

I think we're entitled to write when we can here; this is supposed to be fun, not work, so there's no real schedule. You're not a horrible person in the least - a horrible person does nothing, or never works on something to begin with, or lies about the things they're doing. The complexities we're weaving come when they come. I'm just grateful the fic is still coming and still being worked on and I'm damn eager to have my mind blown.

I've watched each of the Star Wars reviews at least a dozen times over and it gets me giggling every time. The other stuff they do also tends to be pretty damn awesome; they get invited to conventions an awful lot and there's this one time that they were placed directly across from Jake Lloyd for three days. Hilarity ensues.

And I've got no damn idea what that money is or what we can do with it, if anything. Apparently there might be some sort of investment system...? I don't know. No idea. That emoticon is clearly an ass painted up like a clown, representing Doink the Clown, the failure of subtle fear as it devolves into a watered down, family-friendly mess.

On a side note, the next chapter - which will be called Keaton, for those that are interested - looks like it might become two chapters. Blech. I'll try and finish both tonight, but we'll see what happens and how long I can keep going. There's research and editing that needs doing and I'm still a little jet-lagged.

[HunterOpera]

DrkVrtx says:

I think we're getting back into Cave arc territory, in that I'm betting the scenes you plan on writing soon are going to have me depressed and aroused at the same time. This chapter made me real feel for our poor bounty hunter, and I think this line ' Through all the spunk it was impossible to tell if she was crying, but Brannigan liked to think that she was' was the real kicker. Also, I'd assumed that the all the options you'd have Brannigan/Melissa limit for Samus would be based around her ability to move/fight back; I definitely didn't see them forcing this particular choice on her.

Having to choose where she gets her pleasure...damn, you're cruel. And creative. I can already see some interesting possibilities for this particular brand of torture. I wonder how Samus will perceive the choices she makes, how she will view herself in the light of essentially bringing herself to a tailored orgasm time and again. And the Zoomers man...they're really getting their payback for all those times Samus casually blasted them out of her way, huh. Oh, have the mighty have fallen - at least for now. It remains to be seen how Samus is going to find a way out of this one, heck even if she does, will she still retain her mind? It seems she already beginning to question her ability to fight Melissa's nefarious tactics...

Samus is certainly having some difficulties with her current situation, but she won't be trapped in the forest like she was in the Cave Arc; Brannigan's seen those tapes and knows that Melissa values novelty more than repetition, which leads to the events in Keaton and the following chapter, which I'll be working on for the next hour or so. I'd like to finish this arc before getting back to actual work, but we'll see where that goes. Ms. Aran has a lot to think about regarding what's going on and she's been avoiding it until now; the next bit will force her to confront a few things before being confronted by one of her tormentors, which should lead to all sorts of fun.

And the best part...? She doesn't know it's Melissa. Not yet. She's learning the rules of engagement on this world and concentrating on fighting the wrong enemy the whole time. I can't wait until she figures that out; that's going to be a fun section to write.

We'll try to save the depressed and focus on the aroused, but, well, no promises. Samus has a lot to go through still and once I'm finished the Forest Arc I'll have hit the official halfway point. It'll be interesting to see how much more changes from my initial treatment, I think, especially given who's going to hammer his way in to the story during the next arc.

[HunterOpera]

So, yes, two chapters instead of one. There's too much stuff to cover before we get to Brannigan, both in terms of what happens to Samus and what's going on off-world, for me to have covered everything in that last chapter. So, as is increasingly the norm for the Forest Arc, my planned chapter is split in two. The skeleton for it is complete and the first third is mostly done... I've got some things that need doing that don't involve writing, but I'll still try and have it up tonight or tomorrow.

Oh, and does anyone want me to cover what happened to Brannigan? I can do a flashback chapter if anyone wants one. Let me know.

[MorbidFantasy]

I vote no on flashback, for the reason that you're work in present tense has been completely informative regarding plot progression. The only flashbacks I would think necessary would be brief snippets inserted while in media res, like Brannigan torturing Samus, then day dreaming a little about the time she wronged him, then torturing her some more in the present.

Look forward to your next chapters. Have to say it's inspiring to be able to see the works of another author who I seem to share similar tastes with.

[HunterOpera]

You're right, I think. The temptation of back story is to make it all plain, but Brannigan is just as interesting without the full details, which wouldn't add much to the Bergman Affair as a whole. I might write the flashback anyway and post it elsewhere, but I don't want to interrupt the flow of the narrative.

And it's always gratifying to meet like-minds and talk a little shop. I think we're at our best when we get to discuss our crafts with people we respect, people that get where we're coming from and what we're doing.

[Guest DrkVrtx]

Poor Mia barely started her mission and she's already on her knees. Gotta -love- them Kaayes man, they make things so much simpler. I see what you mean by this arc differing from the Forest arc; Samus' unfortunate encounters don't seem to be as lengthy - at least in terms of how you're writing them. And it seems Brannigan is on his way to confront her directly? I wonder what his intentions are, I don't think he has it planned to kill her - well at least not immediately. Perhaps he intends on taking front row, VIP seats to the Everything And Its Mother Screws Samus Silly Show. I'm sure he'll be the surprise guest too.

You know, when all is said and done and this story is finished, you need to write a bonus chapter where Samus does nothing except stomp on the planet's population of Zoomers. Heck, she should lock 'em in a cage, return a few favours and squirt all over them every few hours...actually, no, don't write that. But still, Zoomers above Samus in the food chain? What is this madness?! It cannot be tolerated!

By the way, thanks for your review, and yes it is TP's Zelda I'm using. The next part of that story will be from Samus' POV, so in that way you'll get to 'see' Zelda, so to speak.

[Guest DrkVrtx]

*differing from the Cave arc*

derp >_<

[Guest Sheeps]

I'm rooting for you Samus, give it time, the planetary self-destruct button and a ship will come to you, it always does.

[HunterOpera]

DrkVrtx - I'm pretty sure that Samus, when all is said and done, is deadset on returning to YS7-23 and personally driving every last species on it to extinction before extinguishing the core and bombarding the rock from space. To say that she's angry would be an understatement, but she's pragmatic enough to realize that vengeance is currently outside of her grasp. Squirting all over the Zoomers would be an empty gesture, as they're animals being controlled by something else, and I think Samus would consider herself better than such an act.

This will change. The Sheeps is right. Besides, the narrative of Metroid demands Samus inflicting massive scales of destruction on whatever crosses her; it's only a matter of time.

Mia goes down so easily because she isn't Samus - Samus at least has some training in psionic warfare, what with her suit operating as much from will as anything else. Mia and most other people do not, which is one of the reasons that she and the Kriken fell so easily to Melissa and the Kaayes.

(On a side note, I'm wondering if anyone is ever going to get that pun, or the references encoded in the planet names)

You're right that Brannigan is on his way, though what's going to happen when he arrives is going to be significantly different from what we've seen in that Samus will now have someone she can fight and lay blame to, even if she isn't in the best position to do so. This will take us from the Forest Arc and into the Desert Arc, where things are going to go in a very different direction for everyone as we introduce another important element to the Metroid franchise as a whole and try to undo more of the damage Other M inflicted on us.

I'm also giggling like Melissa at the "Everything and it's Mother" comment for the simple reason of Melissa herself; she is Mother Brain and she technically did create everything on the planet and she will, of course, have her own sensual duel with her sister. I don't know. It made me chuckle.

As for Samus being on the bottom of the food chain, well, that's entirely the point Brannigan - and Melissa via him - are trying to make. This is a battle of wills and they're assaulting Samus' self-image and identity, shaping her on a battlefield of their making. Samus has never fought anything like this before, but that doesn't mean she can't win and doesn't mean she doesn't see a way out. I'm kinda hoping I can get people to cheer when I do get to that point, which will be the second to last chapter of this fic. Just sayin.'

You also nailed Twilight Princess Zelda's voice. Awesome stuff.

[MorbidFantasy]

Oh god I had to reread chapter 20 twice to pick up the details. The first read through was clouded by my own enthusiasm to bite off the whole thing in one go.

So now even if Lara is allowed to walk she'd have slimes crawling all over/inside her underneath her armor...hot damn.

Also interested in seeing where this Mia thing goes. She kinda succumbed very easily, but that is to be expected as she's not in the same league as Samus.

Is Melissa planning to keep Madeline all to herself? There seemed to be a lot of implicit finger work involved between the two but I'd love for a more concrete scene involving Madeline, as my overall impression of sections with her can largely be summed up as "Melissa's attention focus on Madeline...she cums."

Which is fine by me as it gives my imagination room to improvise.

What of the man on the floor? Would be interesting to give him occasional glimpses of mental clarity, at least if he interacts with Samus or any other character at some point.

[HunterOpera]

Melissa's got some serious plans for both Madeline and the man on the floor, as we shall see. You'll get a few more details on the Bergmans in the next few chapters, though that'll get interrupted when he shows up and spoils everything, throwing the galaxy into chaos as only he can.

You hit the nail on the head with Mia succumbing so easily and I'm glad that's coming across - Mia is pretty damn awesome, pretty much the best the Federation has right now, but she's no Samus. Besides, training for psychic combat is hard to come by; it's one of the reasons that the Vhozon are such a threat to Melissa's plans. But we'll get to that, too.

Seriously, if people aren't standing up and shouting in that second to last chapter, then I've failed this story.

Really happy that you're digging this as much as you are. I'll try and have this section done by the new year, but no promises; I've got another fic to write for a friend, a novel to write and another to edit, and a couple other projects on the go. I'm damn eager to get to the next area, though, as there's some writering techniques I want to try out and that's going to be the perfect place to test them.

[HunterOpera]

on the Subject of Hermione Granger and the Bastet Collar, Kain wrote:

I...I do believe i like this. More please ;D

I'm glad you you like. There's some things I'm working with here - emotional triggers - that I wanted to experiment with and won't be able to do properly in the Samus fic until the next area, where they'll be used in a very different way. I'm about a quarter through the next chapter on that fic and the skeleton on the next Samus chapter is done, but I've got a lot of editing and things to catch up on this weekend. Maybe tonight or Monday. We'll see.

Hermione is going to stick to five chapters. I'm actually working within Order of the Phoenix continuity, meaning that Bastet Collar should work as an insert for the actual text.

[HunterOpera]

on the subject of Hermione Granger and the Bastet Collar, RavenJedi wrote:

Oh, I like! There are very few Umbridge dominating Hermione fics and I've always wondered why. Umbridge just loves having control over people and you know she would see someone like Hermione as less than a "real" witch. Loved how she though Hermione was unworthy to even control fully with an Imperio curse.

I love how you used Draco to put the idea into her head. (Would love for him to pop up again. Draco, an 8.5 is a pretty high score.) Umbridge picked the perfect ammunition to control Hermione too. I'm looking forward to more detailed sessions.

BTW, I tried the link you posted at the top of the chapter, but it went to another story review post.

P.S. I didn't even know what a bastet was and now I'm very interested to see where you take that aspect. Poor Hermione.

I've been kind of curious about that, too. There's a handful of moments in modern media where I just find myself going "well, that's not suggestive or anything," and then nothing happens. On one hand it's annoying, but on the other it opens up a wonderful series of possibilities for the lot of us to take advantage of. Umbridge is a horrifying character because she's very much more real than Voldemort, who represents a more abstract and philosophical atrocity. Umbridge is just plan banality, a bully with a friendly demeanor, the person who undermines growth, change, or intelligence for no other reason than she thing she ought to. Someone like Hermione represents everything Umbridge loathes, so it makes for an interesting dynamic. I'm exploring that sense of things in the next chapter a little more with someone she also loathes but can't do anything to, which should make things worse for Ms. Granger.

Draco is always fun to write. There's "fic-Draco," who is suave and sophisticated, and "canon-Draco," who very much is not. I'm aiming more for the latter with his characterization in this, and he will certainly show up again in the third chapter and then every chapter onwards. The 8.5 quote is a reference is the "Very Potter Musical," which is... something.

A couple friends of mine have been enjoying these fics as much as other people seem to be, so that means I'll probably flit around with them a little more. I've got ideas for stories and it's fun to play in someone else's sandbox, plus I get to experiment with form and technique and see how people respond to it. Feedback for these fics is vital to me, and the more detailed the better. That said, I kind of want to focus the feedback and responses in a single area for ease of access and a greater exchange of ideas, which is my whole purpose for writing these things in the first place. The Bergman Affair is the longest thing I'm likely to write here (seriously, it should be done by now and it's currently expanded itself to forty-something planned chapters), so it gets to be my focus. Cool?

P.S. I'm a mythology nut. My home is pretty much a library and I like to play with the myths, forms, and psychology of character and events. Umbridge would definitely feel comfortable using a Bastet theme to control people, and Hermione, well, she had that thing happen to her in the Chamber of Secrets. I don't see any reason not to take advantage of both. ^.^

Edited December 8, 2012 by HunterOpera

[HunterOpera]

Regarding Hermione Granger and the Bastet Collar, Kain said:

Well this is just getting better and better. So i assume this will stick to Hermione/Umbridge? although Draco may have given Dolores the push i would love to see Umbridge slowly break Hermione down without assistance. And the spanking scene(which is very hot mind you) had me do a small double take.......is out dear golden Gryffindor Hermione Granger perhaps a bit of a masochist? :D

and very nice touch with the Bastet.

I make no promises as to where it's going, though this story is plotted out from beginning to end. Draco will definitely be back (as of next chapter!), as will Snape (though probably not how you expect). I'm glad you liked the spanking scene; I wasn't sure how it would read once written. I've been experimenting with a couple of ideas in how to convey stuff, sort of an emotional invocation thing, so I'm glad that's working out.

Hermione strikes me as a bit of a masochist. Could just be me.

And next chapter begins and lives in Bastet. (insert maniacal cackling)

Glad you're liking this, though. Keep reviewing and I'll keep writing.

[HunterOpera]

Regarding "Hermione Granger and the Bastet Collar," Gruffard said:

Oh cliffy. I am looking forward to what is next.

Good. I should have the next chapter for both stories up before Christmas. I'm considering posting a third, as well. We'll see.

Regarding "Hermione Granger and the Bastet Collar," Ray Said:

Great story so far. Mostly because it's pretty much the only one out there as far as I can tell with Umbridge directly abusing her authority in the school, instead of leaving it up to Draco and the rest of the inquisitor squad (it think it's called that.

Looking forward to reading more.

I think they were called just that, a clear throwback to the Inquisition - which no one ever expects. I have plans for Draco here but I doubt he'd like them very much; I'm attempting to work in continuity, which means that this has to end with the actual canon of the fifth book intact. Also, I don't think Umbridge would willingly abdicate her power to anyone; she strikes me as the sort that can delegate but very much enjoys micromanagement.

Three more chapters in this story. Another twenty in Metroid. Dare I do the long one...?

[MorbidFantasy]

still awaiting your update Hunter. Myself just got back from vacationing and am back into crunch mode with TR as well as my legit writing project.

Cheers to you and the new year m8.

[HunterOpera]

Hey, man, happy new year.. how you doin' and how's the legit writing coming?

I got a little derailed by head surgery I ended up having on Christmas Eve. I survived it but, tragically, my desktop did not. I'm responding on my shiny new desktop, which is doing me a world of good, but it's been a bit of a thing.

I'm currently playing catch-up on my latest legit project and a couple of other things on the side that I'm writing for friends, and a little something I need to have up and running at the beginning of March for reasons (Emerald City Comic Con). I went over my notes for Metroid and Hermione earlier tonight, and I've got a skeleton in place for a couple of other characters I wouldn't mind exploring. We'll see what happens.

[HunterOpera]

Regarding "Hermione Granger and the Bastet Collar," blade10 said:

Wonderfully written piece that I cannot wait to see how it ends

Thanks. I've had a couple oddities in the last days of 2012 and the first days of 2013, and they've slowed me down a bit. I'll try and have something up for this and my Metroid fic by the end of this month, but I have a massive backlog to catch up on, so we'll have to see what happens.

Hermione's shifted slightly from my original plans, but nowhere near as bad as Metroid. It should still stay at four chapters, and the ending is still the same, but there's been a couple of character driven points that have altered from the plot I had in mind. It'll be interesting to see if it works.

[HunterOpera]

Regarding "Hermione Granger and the Bastet Collar," Gruffard said:

I am a sucker for happy endings. I hope Ginny saves her. Be interesting to see Hermione recover from these events.

So am I. Ginny's got plans - I see her as one of the more mentally competent characters in the HP universe, maybe not as intelligent as Hermione but just as clever as Fred and George. What surprised me was how the story deviated from my original notes - there was some stuff with Draco and Snape I had planned but they didn't fit here, so we'll hold off til next chapter.

And we'll get to the recovery.

Regarding "Hermione Granger and the Bastet Collar," Kain said:

awesome, Ginny to the rescue eh? Would be quite a trip if she got hit with he imperius as well and was put into the same situation. Double the fun eh.

Oddly, I wrote a Harry/Draco centric fic for an ex that had something similar happen, but way the heck after Deathly Hallows. I might go back to edit and post that at some point, as it's currently sitting there not being read by anyone and I thought there was some clever stuff there.

[HunterOpera]

Regarding "The Bergman Affair," salarta said:

I haven't posted before, but I've been silently enjoying the fic and I'm glad to see a new chapter. While there's a lot of good stuff here, my favorite part was making the slimes into Samus' predators and expounding the point that she's been reduced so low that she's the prey of absolutely everything no matter how slow or weak it is. Brannigan screwing with her, picking her up and dropping her back off at the beginning again was enjoyable, but I kind of wish it involved more of Samus trying to deal with being surrounded by nothing but predators and always at risk of a slime catching up to her and taking its fill of her. Anyway, looking forward to the next chapter.

So was I - this was originally developed as a thing to experiment with, but it has since turned into a sprawling epic of its own. I'm friends with a publisher who's been thinking about doing a 32-bit side scroller based on some of the ideas here, because we both agree that there's so much that could've happened with Other M that didn't. It's monstrously frustrating, as a fan and an author.

I wanted to play somewhat with the tropes inherent to the Metroid games, and one of those was a different feel for each of the various chapters - the jungle was about reducing Samus to prey by taking simple things away, and the next section will explore similar ideas but in a very different way. I hope you like that... we've got one more scene in the jungle before we head off into the desert and things begin building towards a conclusion.

Glad you're digging this so far, and hope you like what's to come.

Regarding "The Bergman Affair," DrkVrtx said:

Hmm, would that be Ridley coming back from the dead yet again? Can't think of anything else with the kind of description offered, though I find it strange that Melissa reacted the way she did if it is indeed Ridley. And it appears to be that people quite liking making pets for themselves in this universe, huh. Samus, Mia Xen, the as of yet unnamed man Melissa keeps around...wonder which of them will find their senses again first.

I've got some ideas about Ridley that tie into the manga and make him the monster he should be. Here's hoping that comes across in the writing, and we'll be exploring that and the concept of evil and Evil in the next section of the story. Ridley gets a bad rap as a villain, I think, and he really deserves better - Samus is really the only thing that's ever slowed him down, so we're going to look at why that is from both his perspective and hers in the next section.

Samus needs a chance to shine again, too, especially given the stuff coming her way. It's going to be a while from one moment of awesome to the next, but that last one should be worth it. In the meantime, we might get the Hunted proving to her captor why she was called the Hunter. Just a taste of what's to come. And Brannigan, for all his flaws, has his own moment coming.

As for the pet thing, well, I have a bit of a fetish. Anyone reading my other fic would be able to tell you that... Mia Xen's got a couple moments coming her way, too. I giggle every time I check my notes and come across the identity of the captive man.

[Guest DrkVrtx]

Well, I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with Ridley. I had originally thought he would be used - if he made an appearance - as another sexually torturing obstacle Samus would need to overcome; it seems that's not the case though, or at least it won't be as simple as that.

> Ridley gets a bad rap as a villain, I think, and he really deserves better

In what way, as in how he is portrayed in-game/other people's stories? I always thought Ridley was pretty awesome, personally.

[Guest zeek17]

About Hermione Granger and the Bastet Collar
Darn it, I've really hoped it'd be a true NTR story.. You know, with stealing her from Golden Trio and breaking her mind, with betrayals and dark end..