Metroid - the Bergman Affair feedback, comments, and workshopping

[Aeyugn]

Just found this story and I’ve gotta say: it’s damn good. Had to register. Had to.

Thematically, I’m still hoping for a Samus victory, just to complete the pseudo-hero’s journey you’ve written. Great suffering should lead to great triumph, and all that. Plus, the potential reversal of roles (between Samus and her tormentors) would be so, so sweet.

Thanks for your writing, keep it up!

Edited September 9, 2016 by Aeyugn

[HunterOpera]

On 9/8/2016 at 6:07 PM, Aeyugn said:

Just found this story and I’ve gotta say: it’s damn good. Had to register. Had to.

Thematically, I’m still hoping for a Samus victory, just to complete the pseudo-hero’s journey you’ve written. Great suffering should lead to great triumph, and all that. Plus, the potential reversal of roles (between Samus and her tormentors) would be so, so sweet.

Thanks for your writing, keep it up!

 

Well, thanks, man. That’s awesome. That’s very very kind. 

The spoiler is, of course, that Samus is going to get out of this just fine. We’ve got one more chapter of her in misery and most of another after that, but then we’ll get into Samus saving first herself and then everyone else. That was the plan right from the start, and I’m hoping that the initial reversal plays out as well as I thought it would when I initially plotted this whole thing out. We’ll see, I guess.

Next chapter should be out either next week or the one after that. I want to finish this thing by the end of the year, so, you know, fingers crossed.

Regarding the Bergman Affair, ANON - Pew-pew said:

I like this story, this kind of bondage is my thing, but story wise I think it's waaay too long. They tried to broke her 3 times in one story and most chapters just showing her completley passive in slightly different surroundings.So great story kink wise, but I think 40+ chapters with the same theme a little bit too much.

Yeah, I’m inclined to agree. This thing is waaaaaaaaay too long. When I plotted this thing out it looked much shorter, but as time went on it developed into a whole different thing and became much larger: the Kriken subplot was supposed to wrap up quicker, the Ridley arc was supposed to be four chapters, Melissa and her crew were supposed to grab Samus a lot quicker… there’s a point where the story just kind of wants to do its own thing, and I’ve learned the best thing to do when that happens is get out of the way and see what develops. I’ve got no editor here, though, and it shows.

Thematically, I was aiming for differences in the method and meaning of the breaking involved. I’d say chapters 1-6 are closest we get to actual Samus, and then chapters 7-14 are the first attempt at a proper breaking. 15-25 are an entirely different kind of breaking from the first two: we have passive animal aggression giving way to circumstances and finally moving into sentient minds using the former two to try and attain a specific end. From 26-31 we get the worst thing in the universe going all out on everyone, forcing everyone else to unify against something terrible. 32-35 are about failure and weakness, and everything that comes after is a result of that weakness, right up until the end of Chapter 42 and the beginning of 43. 

As far as breaking goes: there’s a serious difference between breaking someone and killing them, and it’s tied to the sort of violence this story is about. This story was envisioned as a deconstruction of Metroid as a whole; making Samus weaker as opposed to stronger, limiting her ability to explore and trapping her in smaller and smaller circumstances, and replacing physical violence for sexual violence. I don’t think Samus has been passive, but I do think this is an arena she is utterly unused to fighting in, and it’s taken a lot out of her just to keep fighting. 

The cavern arc was the first time Samus really got the idea that she was in over her head, and the passativity that resulted thereafter, well, we’ll get to that. That was planned, and she is up to something.  

Still, glad you’re digging it and I hope the payoff works. I’m getting a little nervous about it, honestly, but buy the ticket, take the ride. 

Regarding the Bergman Affair,  ANON - Anon123456 said: 

Hey that last chapter (40) was good!

Thanks. It went on about twice as long as I had intended, but I think it worked out really well and should roll well into what follows. 

Regarding the Bergman Affair,  SailorNemesis said: 

Chap.40.  Good chapter, would appreciate some more normal rape but still sexy.  Some metroid sex and impregnation would be good.  Hopefully Samus will not escape at the end.

I hesitate at the phrase “normal rape.” Rape shouldn’t be normal, I think, but I get what you’re saying. 

Samus is going to get out at the end, but if you want to read about people getting utterly destroyed I’d recommend a couple other stories I’ve written on this site, specifically Masque’d Hawk and La Mariee. 

[Aeyugn]

3 hours ago, HunterOpera said:

The spoiler is, of course, that Samus is going to get out of this just fine. We’ve got one more chapter of her in misery and most of another after that, but then we’ll get into Samus saving first herself and then everyone else. That was the plan right from the start, and I’m hoping that the initial reversal plays out as well as I thought it would when I initially plotted this whole thing out. We’ll see, I guess.

Yeah, it’s pretty cool that you’re keeping the Metroid motifs in mind when writing this. It makes the story not just smut. Authors should always keep in mind the impressions and compositions of the original source material - I feel as though a lot of writers miss out on that.

For some constructive feedback: I feel as though the strongest part of your story so far was been the cavern arc. I’m not 100% sure as to why, but I think it’s where I most believe that it’s Samus. She was physically inferior (as in most of the games), but ingenuity saw her though it. It was this part that made me actively root for her. The arc was short, but the payoff was great! I can sense the same sort of tension building now that we’re towards the end of the story, and am hoping for the same sort of sense of victory,

I’d also like to humbly ask that you don’t make the ending abrupt. I think that it’s a real shame how many authors, published or otherwise, don’t quite seem to deal with ‘the return’. That is: the hero has won, but we, the readers, need to be able to see the results of the success. We need to see the effects on the hero, their world, and if appropriate, the villains. To put it succinctly, it’s not just about the journey, but also the destination.

[HunterOpera]

On 9/10/2016 at 5:41 PM, Aeyugn said:

Yeah, it’s pretty cool that you’re keeping the Metroid motifs in mind when writing this. It makes the story not just smut. Authors should always keep in mind the impressions and compositions of the original source material - I feel as though a lot of writers miss out on that.

For some constructive feedback: I feel as though the strongest part of your story so far was been the cavern arc. I’m not 100% sure as to why, but I think it’s where I most believe that it’s Samus. She was physically inferior (as in most of the games), but ingenuity saw her though it. It was this part that made me actively root for her. The arc was short, but the payoff was great! I can sense the same sort of tension building now that we’re towards the end of the story, and am hoping for the same sort of sense of victory,

I’d also like to humbly ask that you don’t make the ending abrupt. I think that it’s a real shame how many authors, published or otherwise, don’t quite seem to deal with ‘the return’. That is: the hero has won, but we, the readers, need to be able to see the results of the success. We need to see the effects on the hero, their world, and if appropriate, the villains. To put it succinctly, it’s not just about the journey, but also the destination.

 

Oh, gods, agreed. One of the biggest advantages of writing fanfic is that the whole world and the characters are already created for you, and people already feel a connection to that world and those characters. It seems a waste not to actually make use of what you’re given, and maybe even expand upon concepts the original text failed to live up to, like Other M. Have I mentioned how much I hate that game, and how what happened with AM2R only makes it worse? I’d murder someone to do an AM2R version of Other M – some friends of mine and I have been kicking around some ideas in that direction. We’ll have to see where we can actually do something with it.

Thank you. Thank you. It’s good to know that someone spotted that subtle shift in characterization, because that was intentional. It’s something I’ve been toying with in terms of devices in writing, and one of those things were the climax won’t make much sense without it. The story has hidden that since because Samus needed to hide what happened there since. So far as the tension goes, I need that it there and tight as violin strings, and I need to draw it out just a little further… another chapter or two… and then wham. I want visceral reactions from people when this is done, so hopefully I manage to pull it off.

The climax will be followed by three quick outros – one dealing with compassion, one dealing with justice, and one dealing with revenge. All of them will go into detail on how the events of this story have changed Samus and the galaxy she lives in, because I think journey and destination should be just as important as one another. A climax means nothing without a story before it, but a climax needs to show the weight it imposes on the narrative or it means nothing.

I’m hoping you dig it. The next chapter (Damara, if anyone is curious), should be up late this week or early next.   

[HunterOpera]

Regarding The Bergman Affair,  Newenglandee said:

Yeah, because I just LOVE it when bad guys succeed.

NOT! 

Good news, then, because next chapter is where this turns around. 

That said, you do understand how literary conflict works...? How about hearing the expression it’s always darkest before the dawn? The bad guys win until they don’t, because when good smacks down bad, bad doesn’t get back up. There’s a thing they discovered in wrestling of all places, where if heels and faces win an equal amount that the heels look weak. Bad guys need to win to make themselves look strong before ultimately failing at the climax of the story, and the next two chapters? They are the climax of this story. Melissa and crew are going down hard.  

 

 

[HunterOpera]

Regarding The Bergman Affair, SailorNemesis said: 

Mostly liking it, though I wish the sex scenes were longer.  I just hope Samus does not escape in the end.

Are the sex scenes okay in this one? I think this is as close to actual sex as I’ve written anywhere on this site, though there is some stuff coming up in Masque’d Hawk that might peak your interest. Is there anything in particular that you’re liking or not liking?

Samus is going to get away, as hinted at in this last chapter and pretty much through the entirety of this thread. Masque’d Hawk and La Mariee, on the other hand, won’t have good endings for quite some time. If you like the Berman Affair but want darker, those two might be more to your liking.  

 

Regarding The Bergman Affair, Anon  said: 

The constant up and down of almost escaping only to be torn down again and again is getting old. The fic feels like it's just being dragged out for the sole purpose of torturing Samus at this point. I'm not even sure what your end game is, is it that Samus escapes? Or is it just Samus ending as a mind broken slave? There barely seems to be anything left of her at this point so I'm not seeing any outcome beyond that. Disappointing given that I tend to favor turnabout with this kind of thing regardless of who's on which end. Still I'll keep watching even if it's just for closure at this point. 

Very well written in terms of getting people hooked though.

Oh, Gods, I know . The story kind of took over itself: this thing was supposed to be eighteen chapters, originally, and this is why writers need editors. I’m forty-two chapters in. More than twice what I intended. This was supposed to be like Reins of the Tomb Raider more than what it’s become. According to the file this fic is worked on in, we’re 103, 139 words long. This story is huge.

… and still more respectful of Samus Aran than Other M. 

As for the final fate of Samus in this fic, we’re getting to that. I hope people like what I did with Melissa – the psychic martial arts thing has been built since the second chapter, and I think it turned out well. I’m a little biased, though, and I’m curious to see what other people think. Is this still well-written? Are people still hooked?

This past chapter (Melissa) and the next (Samus Aran) serve as my climax; the three that follow will be short outros, a look at the wider galaxy and the consequences of everything that happened in this story.     

 

 

 

 

[Aeyugn]

Just finished reading the updates! Technically well-written as always, but I think there seems to be a scene missing from either Melissa or Damara. Sort of an ‘all hope is lost’ kind of moment. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Hmmm. Maybe that I couldn’t really feel Samus’ humiliation? It didn’t seem visceral enough, I think. Not exactly the right notion, but close.

[HunterOpera]

On 10/9/2016 at 5:59 PM, Aeyugn said:

Just finished reading the updates! Technically well-written as always, but I think there seems to be a scene missing from either Melissa or Damara. Sort of an ‘all hope is lost’ kind of moment. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Hmmm. Maybe that I couldn’t really feel Samus’ humiliation? It didn’t seem visceral enough, I think. Not exactly the right notion, but close.

 

Huh. Reading over them again, I can see that. 

With these last few chapters I’ve been trying to dig into the last few layers of both my villains and my heroine, so there’s been some limited perspective in those chapters. You’re right, though – the technical stuff is there, but I needed to dig into their perspective of Samus more, their idea that she was a broken husk. It would have made the ending of Melissa and the whole of Samus Aran more powerful, I think, if I had done the thing properly.

This is why writers need editors, and why this writer needs more coffee. : p

 

[Aeyugn]

15 hours ago, HunterOpera said:

Huh. Reading over them again, I can see that. 

With these last few chapters I’ve been trying to dig into the last few layers of both my villains and my heroine, so there’s been some limited perspective in those chapters. You’re right, though – the technical stuff is there, but I needed to dig into their perspective of Samus more, their idea that she was a broken husk. It would have made the ending of Melissa and the whole of Samus Aran more powerful, I think, if I had done the thing properly.

This is why writers need editors, and why this writer needs more coffee. : p

 

But editors are pesky and never tell you what you want to hear!

Caught the latest chapter as well. I’m a little confused. I thought Samus was still wearing the Minus Suit (in Melissa)? My memory might be faulty, but I don’t think that she managed to escape from that particular entrapment yet, unless I’m misunderstanding how the suit works.

At any rate, greatly enjoyed reading the latest chapter, as you might’ve expected. But because I can’t let you leave feeling self-satisfied, have some pickiness: you use the phrase “ clucking to herself“ twice in this chapter, which of course makes the entire chapter literally garbage and entirely unreadable.

Thanks for the work you’ve put into this story so far!

Edited October 20, 2016 by Aeyugn

[HunterOpera]

17 hours ago, Aeyugn said:

But editors are pesky and never tell you what you want to hear!

Caught the latest chapter as well. I’m a little confused. I thought Samus was still wearing the Minus Suit (in Melissa)? My memory might be faulty, but I don’t think that she managed to escape from that particular entrapment yet, unless I’m misunderstanding how the suit works.

At any rate, greatly enjoyed reading the latest chapter, as you might’ve expected. But because I can’t let you leave feeling self-satisfied, have some pickiness: you use the phrase “ clucking to herself“ twice in this chapter, which of course makes the entire chapter literally garbage and entirely unreadable.

Thanks for the work you’ve put into this story so far!

 

That’s part of why we need them. The stuff that makes sense inside a writer’s head doesn’t always make sense to anyone else – having someone there to be “Hey, you, this makes no sense.” is helpful. 

Samus was still wearing the minus-suit, but the controls for it were tied into the central computer system of Melissa’s lab – a psychic o/s that Melissa was controlling telepathically. When Melissa went down, Samus was able to co-opt it and take control of the system and minus-suit both. The shower where the nanites are pushing out of her pores? That’s her getting rid of the thing. An editor, I think, would have made me make that more clear.

Glad you liked the chapter, though. I’ve been building to this climax since the beginning, and set up the psychic back-up system way back at the end of Cavern Arc. The ‘clucking to herself’ thing is what I imagine she does when she’s annoyed, having been raised by birds. I imagine there being a lot of oddities that are tied to her unique circumstances.

Three more chapters to go. Ye Gods. I might actually finish this thing.    

[HunterOpera]

Regarding The Bergman Affair, Anon Pew-pew said: 

Ha, I like your bad-ass Samus in 43 chapter. No bullshitting, strait to business. Also nice idea about backup, make a lot of sense for psychics to do things like that.

Yeah, I imagine she’d be pretty much done with everyone by this point. She’s not going to kid around – everyone is going down, and everyone present is so far beneath her in terms of skill or ruthlessness that there’s not really anyone that can stop her. Someone pointed out earlier that a large part of the appeal of this story is that the villains are far less capable than the hero, and are only able to take advantage due to circumstance. Once Samus was free and had some idea of what was going on, she wasn’t going to be stopped. 

As to the psychic stuff, there’s some snippets in the lore that supports this idea. I just decided to run with it, and thought about what warrior-psychics would be like and the things they would do to better cope with the horrors of war. It also explains why Samus is able to deal with repeated trauma and scale that would shatter most minds – she regularly fights Cthulhu-level threats without batting an eye, and having back-up sanity would explain a lot of how she copes. An army of soldiers given that ability would be terrifying. 

Glad you’re digging the story, and hope you like what comes next. 

 

 

 

[Aeyugn]

52 minutes ago, HunterOpera said:

That’s part of why we need them. The stuff that makes sense inside a writer’s head doesn’t always make sense to anyone else – having someone there to be “Hey, you, this makes no sense.” is helpful.

Yep, used to be one IRL, but then I became an engineer. No idea how that happened though.

Thanks for the clarification with regards to the minus suit, helpful stuff. The climax was well done – I especially like the swift action. It really shows that they really couldn’t have competed with Samus physically. I’m curious about what the long-term effects of this ordeal is going to have on Samus personally. The galactic backdrop is nice, but I find I get more invested in the smaller world rather than the larger.

[Mirana]

So I’ve been following Bergman Affair for a few years now and I decided to actually sign up and comment now that one of my favorite stories is over. I’m not a fan of bad endings but to be honest, I would’ve LOVED to have seen a bad ending for this one. I liked the thought of Samus staying as a pet for those 2. But seeing as that won’t happen, I’m now hoping for a badass Samus to kinda pull a reversal for them. It would be quite fun to read about Sammy and her 3 pets.

 

I will say that I never expected the psychic stuff to happen. It was a total ‘woah’ moment for me. I know you mentioned that it was hinted at from the lore but it was pretty well done on your part!

 

On 10/20/2016 at 8:52 PM, HunterOpera said:

Yeah, I imagine she’d be pretty much done with everyone by this point. She’s not going to kid around – everyone is going down, and everyone present is so far beneath her in terms of skill or ruthlessness that there’s not really anyone that can stop her. Someone pointed out earlier that a large part of the appeal of this story is that the villains are far less capable than the hero, and are only able to take advantage due to circumstance. Once Samus was free and had some idea of what was going on, she wasn’t going to be stopped. 

Ha, too true. Probably a reason I’m a big fan of the Bergman Affair.  

 

Also, Reins of the Tomb Raider was a great read as well! Really loved what you did there. Glad someone took revenge for her though Drasha  was arguably my favorite character and involved in my favorite scenes aside from Lara. 

 

So now that these 2 are done or just about done, what are your next plans?

[HunterOpera]

On 10/20/2016 at 6:56 PM, Aeyugn said:

Yep, used to be one IRL, but then I became an engineer. No idea how that happened though.

Thanks for the clarification with regards to the minus suit, helpful stuff. The climax was well done – I especially like the swift action. It really shows that they really couldn’t have competed with Samus physically. I’m curious about what the long-term effects of this ordeal is going to have on Samus personally. The galactic backdrop is nice, but I find I get more invested in the smaller world rather than the larger.

 

Given the backup psychic copy of herself, the long-term effects wouldn’t really exist – the trauma for her would be like a story she heard from someone else in pretty graphic detail, but there’s enough separation to keep her, essentially, herself. I figure that’s how she stays sane despite everything that has happened around her; you’d need to somehow corrupt the backup to really break her, which is something I might explore in the future.

Kinda gotta agree about the galactic backdrop. I wanted to give a larger context for consequences out in the universe outside of Samus and play with the characters in her world. It worked, I think, for most of the villains: Melissa and especially Brannigan, and I think the corrupt parallels of Damara/Sylux worked out rather well. There’s tragedy there, a good deal of pathos that I could play with, and that’s one of the reasons that the intimacy of those small moments worked. I need to do more to develop the side characters outside in the universe to give them that same intimacy, but I kept focusing on Samus because that’s where my interest lies.

I also wanted to work in Alyx/Samus/ComicCaptor’s character Mia Xen because I really dig his work. 

[HunterOpera]

On 10/23/2016 at 4:08 PM, Mirana said:

So I’ve been following Bergman Affair for a few years now and I decided to actually sign up and comment now that one of my favorite stories is over. I’m not a fan of bad endings but to be honest, I would’ve LOVED to have seen a bad ending for this one. I liked the thought of Samus staying as a pet for those 2. But seeing as that won’t happen, I’m now hoping for a badass Samus to kinda pull a reversal for them. It would be quite fun to read about Sammy and her 3 pets.

I will say that I never expected the psychic stuff to happen. It was a total ‘woah’ moment for me. I know you mentioned that it was hinted at from the lore but it was pretty well done on your part!

Ha, too true. Probably a reason I’m a big fan of the Bergman Affair.  

Also, Reins of the Tomb Raider was a great read as well! Really loved what you did there. Glad someone took revenge for her though Drasha  was arguably my favorite character and involved in my favorite scenes aside from Lara. 

So now that these 2 are done or just about done, what are your next plans?

3

Thanks! I really did end up doing this for the feedback and to figure out what worked and what didn’t, so people like you are the reason this story kept being written and is finally (finally~!) complete. 

If you’re looking for more bad end stuff, I’d suggest looking into La Mairee  and especially Masque’d Hawk. Those two are kind vicious. As to Samus keeping Damara, Melissa, and Madeline as pets, well, I couldn’t find a way to justify it. Rape is inexcusable; it’s not the act of a hero and is the antithesis of a heroic act. Samus is a heroic figure, so her keeping the three of them for (what? revenge?) wasn’t going to work. I could see her being mystified by Madeline and certainly killing Sakamoto, but Melissa and Damara are innocents acting out of the pain of their own suffering. Samus, as a hero, would know that and try to make things right with them. As a fictional character she’s a better person than I am, I think, and someone worth aspiring to be. We can see this play out in the Return of Samus  (or AM2R, if you were lucky enough to nab it) when she lets the baby metroid live; there’s more to her psychology than simple violence.

And thank you for the psychic stuff. I really wanted that ‘woah!’ moment, so it’s nice to know that worked.

As for what’s next… I’ve been chatting with a couple of people and sorting that out. I kinda stumbled into continuity while writing Reins, and I’ve got a sort-of Mass Effect story that I’m a few chapters into that could be fun. Over the holidays we’re going to try and suss out whether some of the things we want to try would work and so there’s a bit of research going on right now. I would recommend copying anything other than Bergman and Hermione that you want to keep for, um, reasons.

More on that as it develops.    

[HunterOpera]

Regarding The Bergman Affair, DeathWings500 said: 

I can't believe we're finally reaching the end, especially after that enormous hiatus of yours. I was pretty sure this story was dead and would remain a sort-of-bad-end and then I decide to read it again today outy of nostalgia only to discover that there's been multiple updates.

And what an update it was, with Samus FINALLY, after FAR too many dragged out chapters turned the tabble on her captors without having to resort to a Deus Ex Machina like back with the whole "Ridley Out Of Nowhere!" thing.

Ultimately, looking back on the entire fic, my favorite part kinkwise still remain the Bestiality. Probably because they're the only part that are 100% uniquely Metroid. And by that I mean that while bondage, brainwashing and petplay can be found in many media outside of Metroid, where else are you going to get these peculiar beasties ? Only in Metroid, that's where.

Also, the whole politic plotline thing just kind of made my eyes slid right over it every time it showed up. =P

All in all, this was a pretty good ride. Kind of dragged its feet in the middle but the start was really awesome and got me hooked and the last arc was nice enough with an absolutely satisfying ending.

Great job there.

PS : UPDATE THE GODDAMNED HENTAI FOUNDRY VERSION ALREADY!

 

I know, right? Ye gods. This story is over a hundred and six thousand words long. It took for goddamn ever, but it was always going to get written. I love Metroid too much, and there’s so much stuff in that universe that just gets mentioned in passing and never gets developed. I hope I did a good job of that, sort of touching on the whole porn-with-plot thing. I hope it was satisfying. Sounds like it was.

The Ridley arc sort of took over itself. The character did things that made sense for the character and mythology, but he became monstrous and unbeatable; a big part of the Metroid lore is that only Samus has ever really beaten him; Samus’ mom sacrificed herself and her whole world and it barely slowed him down. Samus needed to be the one to end him but I couldn’t figure out how given the circumstances she was in. Brannigan should have stayed dead, I think.

And, yeah, the Metroid-centric stuff was definitely the strongest. I think the cave and forest arcs were some of the best kink-wise, though I like to think the character stuff worked to make the later chapter enjoyable, too. I suppose it depends what you’re after, and I wanted to sample a whole smorgasbord of Metroid goodness while pushing Samus to her limits. I think I succeeded. I’ve been chatting with a couple of people about maybe doing a remake of Other M, AM2R-style, using the mythology and backdrop hinted here. I’ve got a treatment written up for a whole trilogy, really. It’d be interesting to try and make it.

Glad you liked it, though. It was a hell of a ride and I’m glad you dug the ending. We’ll see how it ages, I guess, and see where the writing goes next.

PS : the reason I don’t update the Hentai Foudary version is that the story loses formatting every time I post there. I got sick of fiddling around with it to no avail; here, I can copy/pasta and do some minor tweaks and then it’s over, but there it ends up an unreadable block of text. It was driving me nuts. So. Yeah.     

[HunterOpera]

Regarding Masque'd Hawk, DeathWings500 said: 

I think this should warrant a Torture tag rather then just BDSM, D/s and Rape, because this go well past it and it wasn't a nice surprise for me.

Yeah, I think you’re kinda right. This story is vicious and a much more literal and complete deconstruction of a character than any of my other works.

Give me a few minutes and I’ll fix it. Sorry about that.

 

[HunterOpera]

Regarding the Bergman Affair, ANON - Pew-pew said: 

Ha, you actually ended it, mad man! What can I say? It was long but plesant ride, it's a great story non the less.

Promised I would… it just took longer than I expected. 

Thanks for reading and enjoying it. 

 

Edited December 22, 2016 by HunterOpera

[HunterOpera]

Regarding the Bergman Affair,  EvilCareBear (!!!) said: 

God damn you, actually managing to finish your story. Mentioning me in the acknowledgments. I'd look like an ass if I didn't write a review now. You have any idea how old the password is for this account? Took me literally several minutes to figure it out. Thank god this site doesn't have a lock out after a certain number of attempts, that would have fucked me. And now it has the nerve to recaptcha me, even after I logged in. Point is I've sacrificed a lot for you, so this comment better be put up on your fridge.

Now for the actual post-mortem itself, since you have now finished this beast (fuccckkkkkkkkk youuuuuu). Imma be straight up honest with ya for this, because I hate empty platitudes.

"Great work, keep it up!" Go fuck yourself. Anyway.

I'll start off with the good, I'm not sure I believe all your talk about this being your first plunge into writing porn. You tricked the filthy masses, but you ain't pulling the wool over my eyes son. Nah, this isn't no novice work. Actually, it has been awhile since I read the beginning. I'm sure these rose-tented glasses are reliable.

Probably my favorite part is your general expansions on Metroid lore, nothing stuck out to me as silly and I thought all the additions were good ones. Even if unnecessary (l'll get to that later). Ridley speech patterns sticks out to me as particuarly nice, has a very odd cadence to it, forces you read his lines differently in your head.

In my opinion the story peaked with the zebesians, brannigan (btw holy shit what a minor character to bring out, he's in some cheesy comics as a Samus fanboy if I remember right) and right after Ridley. They all had Samus acting like Samus, actively looking for ways to turns the tables and escape. That's what I'm wanting out of a Metroid story and you delivered there really well. Honestly I think the story would have been strongest if Samus had successfully escaped after Ridley was dealt with, it was at that point I was on board and rooting for Samus to win.

Now I gotta rag on your ending a bit. I think I understand what you were going for, Samus being so overpowering it wasn't even really a fight, but that was over way too fast. Had no real gradification to it, was just over. It'd be like you finally got with the girl of your dreams after months of buildup and you jizz in your pants while she's taking off her shirt. I think you should have let the physic fight with Melissa be more in depth (maybe Melissa allows Samus into her mind in an attempt to fuck with her in a maze-like setting and what Samus needed was to get past that initial barrier) but mainly it needed a reason why this situation was unique that Samus could overpower Melissa. Because at the end my main question was mostly just why Samus didn't do this earlier. Seems it would have saved her a lot of trouble. Oh yeah, and then the physical fight with Damara could and should have been more drawn out. It shouldn't have been a struggle for Samus, she still should dominate the fight, but even the most kind hearted person would indulge in a little "No, actually I'm much better than you and I'm going to show you we're not even in the same league" after what she went through.

The galactic politics was the weakest point of the story by far, and not because it didn't have sexy times. It just didn't tie in with the main arc of the story at all and felt sort of like I was reading a completly different story, just sort of tacked on. I'm pretty sure you could cut out all of it and the main story would still make sense. Not to say it was bad or not enjoyable, you had some really cool ideas in there and the writing was strong, but it just felt completly unnecessary. I think it would have been better as it's own side story. Actually I had a similar idea for my story, my plan was for Samus to sort of worry about the general state of the galaxy throughout the story while she was out of commission, but never get any news about it. Then at the end she finds out that everything's basically the same, maybe some new taxes to cover the expansion of the galactic navy to better combat the pirates. Just as sort of a "the galaxy is bigger than the adventures of Samus Aran".

Oh yeah final note, Mia Xen. Come on now. What's the old saying? Just you can do something doesn't mean you should. We all know how that worked out in the famous documentary Jurassic Park.

I'm hoping somewhere in this rambling, incoherent mess I made a point. So in summary: Great work, keep it up!

 

I missed you, too. It’s good to see that you’re still out there. If it helps, I showed this comment to my cousin and he printed it out and stuck it on his fridge, so there’s that. And it means that you’re back on site, so maybe we’ll see more stories from you...? I’m still a massive fan of the Descent and would have loved to see how it all connected and developed. It was gorgeous stuff, and something I go back to often.  

This actually is my first real effort at writng pron. There was one earlier (and much more terrible) attempt a decade ago that was done to shut someone up, but this was the first time I applied any sort of writing process to the process of writing pron, if that makes sense. Bergman Affair was plotted out, thought about, considered. There was a skeleton and a treatment, actual research done, a careful selection of creatures and study done of Samus Aran as a character and Metroid as a franchise. I wanted to pull this apart, wanted to respect it, delve deep into the lore of the franchise and really dig into the meat, the bones, the marrow. I think I succeeded, so yay?   

Also, I write like a bastard. Novels, screenplays, essays, role playing games, board games, poetry, pron… it’s kind of what I do. I’ve got processes and techniques that I use to get stuff done and I’ve been slacking over the past number of years, writing articles instead of the stuff that actually matters to me, and using pron as a testing ground for techniques I want to use in the novels. Because of Reins, though, I think I’m going to end up writing more pron because I want to see how far that rabbit hole goes. We’ll see what the new year brings. 

For the story itself… the lore in Metroid is so damn cool and underused it drives me insane. There’s a host of characters, a host of motivations and politics and I totally failed at making any of it interesting for the same reason Federation Force failed as a game: it doesn’t involve the main character of the series. If Samus had somehow been involved in tracking down Melissa through Vogl, if she’d been at Daibon, if I’d done this any other way. Well. It infuriated me while playing Other M, the way they flew in the face of everything that the rest of the series had established about Samus and her world, and then I fell into the same trap by not making her the main character in those sections. I might revisit the idea of Samus as secret agent on Daibon later, either for pron or not. It would fix a lot of the lag, I think. We’ll see.

Ridley was a blast to write. He really is one of the most evil characters in video games as a medium, and criminally underused in general. He’s vile and insane, the Joker as an immortal space dragon, and I wanted to dig into his psyche and it led to a cadence as broken as he was. His chapters were some of the darkest things I’ve ever written, and I think I cheated out of them. Another thing I’d change were I to write this again.

And as to Samus being Samus… if there’s one thing I did utterly right here, I think it was that. Samus has a clearly defined if subtle character; she’s quirky but ruthless, capable of compassion but also able to face down horrors that would shatter lesser minds. She’s fascinated and fascinating, brave, has very little use for other people, clever and cunning, strong as only those who have faced down atrocity can be. It’s one of the big reasons that Other M rings so hollow, I think.

The reason for Samus choosing to attack Melissa then was that we’ve never seen Samus initiate psychic communication, but we do know that the Chozo based most of their technology on it. I’ve got a theory that’s one of the reasons she loses her power-ups – the armor is a psychic manifestation and she forgets things, the specifics of the psychic technology that the Chozo perfected. To that end, the Chozo had the same issue and that’s why they’ve got their Chorizo statues all over the place; they had quick reminders for their soldiers and explorers back when they were space-faring conquerers. Samus couldn’t spring her trap until Melissa made contact with her mind, but once that contact had been made Melissa didn’t stand a chance.

As to Damara, I just thought Samus would be tired and angry. I don’t see her being the sort of person who plays with her prey: she’s very much the sort to go in for the kill without preamble, and someone like Damara is still dangerous. Samus wouldn’t mince time or words, I think.  

It says something about my writing (I need an editor) that this wasn’t clear in the text. Sorry about that.   

And I’d love to see more of Metroid Descent . Again, I love your writing. Just saying. 

Mia Xen actually did have a point; I wanted to create a parallel between her and Damara, with Mia being what Damara could have been without the interference and corruption of others. I needed a character that could work as a foil for her and couldn’t find one in the lore, so Alyx/Samus/ComicCaptor was kind enough to let me use his. Also, she looks like FemShep and yum. So there was that. Problem being, Damara and Samus were entirely absent from Mia’s parts in the story, so that isn’t clear and doesn’t work. It’s sloppy writing.

It’s interesting to me that this story was a response to missed opportunities and I’m now griping about the missed opportunities in my own story. Not sure what that says about me.

Really good to hear from you, though. What’ve you been up to?   

[HunterOpera]

Regarding the Bergman Affair,  salarta said: 

Good work and thanks for the shout-out! It ended nicer than I normally go for, and I'd hoped to see more of Samus made into "lowest in the food chain" but I enjoyed what was there.

Thanks, man. Sorry for the delay – I actually responded to this back when I responded to EvilCareBear, but the forums lost that response somehow. Sorry for the delay and thanks for your patience. 

I’m a fan of your work, so it was gratifying to get feedback from you – I’m a fan of your writing and was always curious as to where Sex Core would have gone, and, of course, we’ve talked about Federation Farce already. I like the psychology of your stories, the way you dig into characters. I also think it’s important to thank the people that take time to read and review; I’m doing this for the reviews, trying to figure out different techniques and whether or not they work. The stuff you do does, which is why I keep coming back to it.  

Reins of the Tomb Raider set a few things in motion, fiction-wise, that I’ll be exploring as this year trucks on. A lot of that will work towards a “lowest in the food chain” mentality, closer to what’s happening in La Mariee and  Masque’d Hawk. Those tales might be a little more of what you’re looking for.  

 

 

 

[evilcarebear]

What have I been up to recently? Puking my brains out. Don’t get the flu. Only upside it that it does make you appreciate feeling normal afterward though.

More generally I’m now a professional software developer. Which is still weird to think about even though I’ve been at it for about a year. This does mean I don’t have a ton of time for stuff outside of work, so it’s almost certain I won’t do anything with Descent, it’s just much too big to get back into. I do however have two much smaller ideas I think would be fun, they’ve been bouncing around in my head for awhile, would like to get them down. But man, I wish I had the same drive to write as you, I can think of ideas all day that I think are super cool and interesting, but actually writing them down is tricky. I have a bad habit of demanding everything be perfect on the first pass before moving on. Which sort of stifles progress.

But back to your story – that is after all what this thread is supposed to be about. I see what you mean now with Mia being a foil for Damara, that does make sense after having it pointed out. I can’t help but feel like there was more you initially wanted to do with her/ the kirkin empire, but then cut down on later because of scope creep. Also, you are 1000% correct about FemShep. FemShep x Garrus best romance.

As for the ending again, I see what you mean about Samus not being one to toy with her opponent and it does makes sense for her character. It just not nearly as fun.

However, I still think I’m right about the psychic fight. If the physical fight is a quick takedown, then the mental one needs to be much more in depth and detailed. This is the climax of the story, all bajillion words have been building up to the moment Samus turns the tables and escapes. It can’t just be a quick “and then Samus wins”. It makes it seem… cheap? I don’t know. I still strongly feel the mental fight with Melissa should have been more, it’s a really good idea that deserved being expanded on.

[HunterOpera]

On 1/5/2017 at 9:10 PM, evilcarebear said:

What have I been up to recently? Puking my brains out. Don’t get the flu. Only upside it that it does make you appreciate feeling normal afterward though.

More generally I’m now a professional software developer. Which is still weird to think about even though I’ve been at it for about a year. This does mean I don’t have a ton of time for stuff outside of work, so it’s almost certain I won’t do anything with Descent, it’s just much too big to get back into. I do however have two much smaller ideas I think would be fun, they’ve been bouncing around in my head for awhile, would like to get them down. But man, I wish I had the same drive to write as you, I can think of ideas all day that I think are super cool and interesting, but actually writing them down is tricky. I have a bad habit of demanding everything be perfect on the first pass before moving on. Which sort of stifles progress.

But back to your story – that is after all what this thread is supposed to be about. I see what you mean now with Mia being a foil for Damara, that does make sense after having it pointed out. I can’t help but feel like there was more you initially wanted to do with her/ the kirkin empire, but then cut down on later because of scope creep. Also, you are 1000% correct about FemShep. FemShep x Garrus best romance.

As for the ending again, I see what you mean about Samus not being one to toy with her opponent and it does makes sense for her character. It just not nearly as fun.

However, I still think I’m right about the psychic fight. If the physical fight is a quick takedown, then the mental one needs to be much more in depth and detailed. This is the climax of the story, all bajillion words have been building up to the moment Samus turns the tables and escapes. It can’t just be a quick “and then Samus wins”. It makes it seem… cheap? I don’t know. I still strongly feel the mental fight with Melissa should have been more, it’s a really good idea that deserved being expanded on.

 

Ugh… I hear flus are terrible. I try to avoid them, myself, but then manage weird injuries and events. It’s a trade off, I guess? Heal quickly and well, man. 

I know exactly the feel you’ve got when writing. I’ve been working on a couple of different things where I’ve ended up scrapping novels because they weren’t what I wanted them to be, so… best advice I can give there is write. Be protective of writing time and don’t edit on your first draft – keep another document open and keep notes as you go, but just get the damn thing down on paper. I like your ideas; I’m curious to see what your version of Melissa would have gotten up to after she dumped Samus off. Put anything down on paper just to deal with the terror of the blank page and see where story takes you.

So far as Mia and Damara goes – yeah. I was trying to do a thing where the two of them would go on parallel arcs while doing very different things, Damara’s unhealthy response to her tragedy running against a more healthy response from Mia, but the b-plot was smothering the a-plot and wasn’t nearly as interesting. It got cut, because, well, it didn’t need to be there. The only thing that really stayed was Phantoon coming out of nowhere because that’s what it felt like in Other M, and I fucking hate Other M.

I’m working on a Mass Effect story. We’ll see how that goes.  

As for Samus… I couldn’t justify her character toying with anyone even after what she’d been through. I try to write people in-character with fanfic because I think that’s sort of the point: it’s what I like about your work and a lot of the other authors that I read on this site, the grasp of a character’s psychology. It would have been more fun, but it also would have been jarring. Maybe in another story I can try and get her there, but hopefully one that doesn’t take as long to write. 

The more I think about the psychic fight – yeah, it should have been longer. That needed to be more of a climax to set the stage for the anti-climax of the physical battle; I think it might have worked best as its own chapter, and now that I’m thinking about it I can see ways to have made that interesting. Maybe in Round II? 

[Guest Sazbi]

Any chance of a possible prequel/spin-off of Reigns of the Tomb Raider?  More specifically on Drasha?

[HunterOpera]

On 3/22/2017 at 5:03 PM, Guest Sazbi said:

Any chance of a possible prequel/spin-off of Reigns of the Tomb Raider?  More specifically on Drasha?

Yep. 

I’m not done there.

[HunterOpera]

Regarding Hawke Fade Away, DiD_Luv said: 

Love the series and how it builds slowly and relentlessly, looking forward to new chapters!

Thank you. I was beginning to wonder… ; p 

Hawke’s become one of my favorite characters and I wanted to delve into her story a bit, sort of play with some of the same themes I was experimenting with in Bergman while playing with fantasy-lore and some different writing techniques. I like to think it’s working well, but confirmation is always a good thing. 

So, thank you, and I’ll try and have more before the weekend – at the latest, though, we’ll get through the Merrill chapters next week.