First Times at Bayville High

[DrunkenScotsman]

Awesome - now a dialogue is opened, and I can explain some of my creative choices. I sincerely thank you for taking the time to post the above.

I won't really get into Down Under much here, since this is a thread for FTaBH; Down Under's done and I don't plan on a sequel. (I'm sure you're relieved to hear it. ) I'll freely admit that that story had some flaws, flaws resulting from me trying to weld two different story ideas together into one. I'm sorry you didn't like it.

Regarding Amara: Your points about her acting like a regular teen in the series are taken. That was a creative decision by the writers of that show, one which I find a little odd. So I jettisoned the "regular teen" angle in favor of the royalty angle, which I thought would be more interesting because there are so many other "regular teen" girls - Jean, Kitty, and Rogue (goth, yes, but not outside the norm), of course, but also Jubes and Tabby. That's half the teenage female cast of Evo, so I made a purposeful deviation with Amara and Nova Roma, drawn from 616 but with an Evo spin. (I have just now edited my AN in her chapter using the above as explanation, so everyone else can see it if they take issue w/ my characterization choices.) I tried to keep the aspects of Evo Amara that worked, like her 'fish out of water' aspects. Unfortunately, the Marvel database isn't much help in her case ( http://marvel.wikia....ma(Earth-11052) ), but she does at least get a few episodes of focus.

Which brings me to Rahne, who gets a few scenes where she's doing nothing more than running around or catching frisbees or whatever, with few (zero?) lines. Since she gets almost zero characterization in the show, that means anything's technically fair game - a carbon-copy of her 616 personality, or a religious zealot, or what I went with (exhibitionist w/ few inhibitions, all w/ naturist overtones).

I double-checked her Marvel database entry too ( http://marvel.wikia....r_(Earth-11052) ), which does indicate that she got pulled out of the Institute at the same time as Jubilee, which I had forgotten - I had thought she stayed but just didn't get any dialogue. I'll see if I can't work an explanation into the upcoming chapter 5.

Earlier in the thread, I explained where I was coming from in regards to my own methods of writing accent - thicker than most people, but in a way I think better reflects what is actually said. When it came to the Scots slang, I actually ended up veering more toward general UK slang that I've heard from the mouths of some Anglo students I've had in my classes and that I've picked up from watching BBC. From my (admittedly amateur) study of linguistics, the advent of TV has helped to spread the standard spoken dialects - standard American English in the States, Received Pronunciation in the UK. (I actually wish I could've found a handy guide to Scots-specific slang like the one I found for Aussie slang that I used for Down Under.) In general, everyone uses a lot of slang, especially teenagers and young adults; I guess I didn't expect that to need explanation.

You said you're filling in where Evo doesn't cover, and where I haven't covered yet, w/ 616 info. For the purposes of my story, at least, DON'T do that. There are some explanations that have to wait for later chapters; I don't want any reader to taint their expectations by resorting to 616 canon. I'm not using 616 beyond the minimum necessary for any AU (which Evo technically is, really). Sometimes, like Amara, I even have to deviate from Evo a bit in order to tell what I hope is an interesting story, in which cases I only ask that you roll with me. I'll try to do better about leaving more hints about things, but I make no promises about where within the story they happen, in which case I ask for patience (and maybe some rampant speculation).

I definitely don't want you to stop reviewing, nor do I want you to stop critiquing what you think are the weaknesses of my writing; getting feedback is the only way I'm going to improve. The paragraphs about Amara and Rahne in your post were way more useful to me than what was in the reviews you posted at the time; I think that's because what you posted above was a lot more specific in detail, and you spelled out exactly what you didn't like - which is so, so useful to a writer. However, what you said in the most recent review came across as a personal attack - specifically, being told to "just stop with any kind of accents from now on," because of how much effort I put into understanding speech and into giving each of the characters a unique 'sound', is just as bad as telling me to just stop writing (which I am glad you specifically did not do, and said above that you did, in fact, actually enjoy my writing).

Edited March 20, 2012 by DrunkenScotsman

[Daye]

But that's just how I FELT about the story from reading it. So I really hope this Daye won't verbally attack me again for saying any of this (just seems that everythign I say pisses this person off not like I wanted to nor will I start a flame war over it, they have their opionion and if they like it, fine with me not like I'll attack or have attacked that person personally after all)

OK so I was unsure whether or not I was going to reply to this or not until I saw this bit about me personally. So I'll just say this; I've never 'verbally' attacked you at all. Since this is a text based medium.

Secondly and more seriously, if you feel I have personally attacked you I apologise. That was not my intent. I often disagreed with the opinion you've expressed in your reviews, sometimes very vehemently but I have always tried to say only that I disagreed with your opinion and then explain the reasons why I thought they were wrong. Attacking your argument and not you personally but if I have stepped over that line I am sorry.

Edited March 5, 2012 by Daye

[marvelfan98]

Hey!

First I just want to say I really like this story. It's actually one of my favourites that is currently being written along with Festival of X. Although to be honest I don't feel the last chapter was your best but I'm really looking forward to reading more.

Anyways I mostly wanted to say it seems like a lot of people are really hard on AgentG, and to be honest I do find that his reviews often seem harsh and I usually have a very different opinion from his. Often when he reviews my stories I find it feels a little offensive. But the way I look at it is he wouldn't continue to review if her didn't continue to read, and i doubt he would continue to read if he didn't at least in some way enjoy the story. In fact usually after the initial feeling of his reviews being insulting I find them to be some of the most helpful as he is one of the few people who will openly address your weaknesses. Just thought I'd share my opinion on this.

Looking forward to reading more. Thanks

Edited March 6, 2012 by marvelfan98

[DrunkenScotsman]

I certainly prefer to give folks the benefit of the doubt, but the very existence of trolls proves that some people will read something they hate just to flame it. I hope AgentG will forgive me for having begun to fear he was one; his taking the time to post above, and the contents of the post, indicate to me that he isn't.

[Guest Agent-G]

Well first to Daye, it's okay now. It's just that every time I said something it seemed you went after what I said. It got to the point when I started to rethink even reviewing anything at all because 'the attack dog might snap at me again..." lol, sorry but that was how I was starting to think about it but I'm getting over it.

To marvel sorry if I hurt you man, you're one of my best friends for years even back when you wrote under a different penname so that's the last thing I ever wanted to do.

Now as for 'enjoying' the strories...that might be a little too strong a word. Honestly you really don't have much compeition on this site as hardly anything decent gets updated anymore it seems. Plus I'm not into m/m stuff so that's like over half the fics on this site gone lol. Although I should warn you that after how pissed I was after that last story I was thinking of putting you on my black list, if I had known you were the same author as last time I most likely wouldn't have even started reading this as it had left a very bad impression on me.

I will admit this story is very much better but yeah it still has some faults just not as bad. If I can give some advice, for accents less is better sometimes. You don't have to make things super thick, even the voice actor for Rogue in the show wasn't from Mississippi so her accent wasn't as thick as it might be. Just little things like words that end in 'ing' you take out the g and put in an ' to replace it. For (eye) sounding letters or words replace with 'ah' and that pretty much is all you really need to do. A little here and there and it gives the impression of that sound but not going overboard. If your still not comfortable then maybe just don't write accents, plenty of people do this and it's the simpliest way to make it easy for everyone to understand.

Also if you're doing Evo, the Marvel channel at Youtube put up ALL the episodes online so you can easily watch episodes over again for a quick references if you need it. You can do something like look up epsiodes summaries on wiki then check it out on youtube and view certain parts to help you out.

[DrunkenScotsman]

Cool, thanks. I've been rewatching the series again on Hulu, and just haven't made it all the way through yet, so sometimes I'm having to go by memory.

I appreciate the input regarding what to do w/ Rogue. I was born and raised in the South, so believe me when I say "Ah know how Southerners lahk ta talk." When I get to her chapter, I'll probably do something along the lines of what I did with Rahne's chapter - keep the word choices for flavor, not spell out the words the way they'd sound aloud but write them as she would mean them in her head.

If FTaBH has earned back enough of your trust, you might also like my story "Solo Shots." It's in a similar vein to this one, but in a different universe. I also have "Heat of the Moment," a het-fic set in the movieverse, which I think is my best work on this site.

Edited March 8, 2012 by DrunkenScotsman

[Guest Agent-G]

Okay from the set up of the next chapter with Kitty and Kurt I can't read this anymore, I hate cheating as I think betrayl is one of the worst and unforgivable things a person can do, don't know what I'm getting at? You forgot that by this time Kurt had a girlfriend since last season with Amanda. The only way for this to work is if you state that somehow they broke up but if that was true Kurt would be pretty down that epsiode given that the first girl to EVER like him broke up so I can't believe that. So yeah, this I can't see working in a realistic way now since you have no real set up to explain how Kurt slept with Kitty and NOT betray his grilfriend at the time.

[DrunkenScotsman]

I'm still watching my way through. One of the things I'm looking for is the result of Kurt/Amanda, b/c there's an episode where he's outed as a mutant to them and they forbid her to see him anymore: "The Toad, The Witch, and The Wardrobe." Checking the episode listing, TWW happens 3 episodes before "Cruise Control" with an unspecified amount of downtime between - potentially plenty of time for him to get over her, esp. since it's Kitty who he's had a crush on since they met. Further, "Cruise Control" was aired out of order, several episodes after where it was written to be, giving even MORE downtime. So I think it's doable.

[Daye]

Umm. I'm pretty sure Amanda was supposed to continue seeing Kurt even without her parent's permission Cos what teenage girl wants to date someone their parents approve of anyway?

Not that I care that much if you change things for fanfiction purposes myself.

[DrunkenScotsman]

As far as I can tell, she just kinda dropped off the radar. If someone can point me to a late S3 or a S4 episode where she appears, I'd appreciate it.

[Daye]

According to imdb she didn't appear after Toad, Witch And Wardrobe. Then again she didn't appear very much between Shadow Dance and TW&W when they were definitely supposed to be dating anyway.

[MarvelMaster616]

Just reviewed your latest chapter. I thought it was pretty good. I'm glad you made an effort to deal with the Kurt/Amanda relationship. It didn't seem to fit in some respects, but it was still an enjoyable read. So who is next on the docket? Any clue yet? Or are you going to make us wait with bated breath? lol

[DrunkenScotsman]

I've had the story planned out since I finished Amara's chapter. But yes, you're just gonna have to wait and see. I apologize in advance for the lengthy layover, though - April's gonna be brutal. I've got 5 major projects due.

Edited April 5, 2012 by DrunkenScotsman

[DrunkenScotsman]

Hm. Looks like someone's pulled AgentG's reviews off the story. I'm gonna guess that it was AgentG himself giving up on the story entirely (based on previous post about similar action on different story).

AgentG, I'm sorry you don't like my work. No hard feelings - artistic differences happen, and at least we can have open dialogue here or in other forums.

[DrunkenScotsman]

Daye, my man, I just read your review. I hate to say this, but you read the last line exactly backwards. Maybe I should rephrase it for clarity?

[Daye]

*re-reads* Dang, I did get that entirely backwards. My bad. It's not unclear the way you've said, my brain just fails at reading comprehension sometimes. lol.

[DrunkenScotsman]

It happens to everyone. You're usually so on-point, though, that when your response doesn't match what I meant, I start to wonder if I ought not revise.

MarvelMaster: Sorry I haven't replied to your review yet. Busy, busy. You're right about the quick emergence/tabling of what happened to Wanda. When I'm in the writing zone, sometimes, the story can get away from me a little bit, bring in elements I hadn't planned to touch on. What Magneto had done to Wanda is, to me at least, pretty appalling; exploring all the ramifications of her discovering it in the timeframe of my story, after they've built more good memories together, would be another fic entirely. I don't know how much more I'll get into it during FTaBH, since that plotline is tangential to what I'm doing here.

In season 2, the episode "Hex Factor" introduced Wanda. It also was the episode where Mystique started posing as Professor X, remaining undiscovered through the end of that season or the beginning of the next - the event I'm calling "M-Day" in Evo continuity. From the "Hex Factor" episode (which I'll admit I haven't watched in a while), I didn't get the impression that Prof. X's visits were common knowledge, and/or that anyone else besides maybe Logan or Storm knew who he was visiting. At any rate, all the other possible misdirections the others mention in-chapter were just my thoughts on how someone like Mystique might execute such a deep-cover infiltration and leave lasting "damage," in that even long after the impostor's been ousted they don't know how much she might have erased or altered.

Thanks to both of you for sticking with this story. I plan to update soon, and I look forward to your thoughts on Jean and her infidelity.

Edited June 11, 2012 by DrunkenScotsman

[MarvelMaster616]

Heya, sorry I haven't posted here in a while. I just placed a review for your latest chapter for Fast Times. It was definitely one of my favorite to date. You're one of the few writers on adultfanfiction that tells really good Jean Grey/Cyclops stories. I think it also helped that you didn't have to do an accent with this chapter. lol But I just wanted you to know that I'm still following your series and I'm still interested in your work. I hope you continue and I appreciate all your support for Festival of X and my X-men Supreme tie-ins. I recently updated Festival of X and it did involve Jean Grey as well, namely her and Bobby. I hope in the next chapter you touch a bit more on how Scott and Jean's relationship developed after that. I'm sure the other girls are probably interested in their sex life more than ever. lol Please keep up the good work and thanks again for your support.

[DrunkenScotsman]

Thanks for the reviews, guys. One thing I really wanted your thoughts on: when some of you thought that the Kitty/Kurt chapter would involve Kurt cheating on Amanda, there was some concern expressed; what about with Jean/Scott involving Jean cheating on Duncan? Do you, the reader, give her a pass on judgment, since Duncan's a jerk and everyone, in and out-of-universe, knows it; where Amanda's a sweetheart, well-liked by the residents of the Institute and by many (maybe not most) fans? Did the chapter's flow and ambiance make you forget, if only for a moment, the context of what was happening?

[Daye]

Intellectually I Know cheating is bad. But generally I don't pass judgement on people for having sex in a porno fic.

And not wanting to put words in people's mouths but I bet You're right, this will go down better because a) Duncan's a pratt and b) Scott/Jean is the only correct pair for Scott and Jean as per every incarnation of the Marvel verse apart from that one bad movie.

I figure this chapter was pretty faithful to what little character Jean had in Evo. Spiting Duncan by being with Scott was pretty much exactly what she was going to do in Shadow Dance only Taryn got in the way first.

[DrunkenScotsman]

It's funny you put it that way - I was toying with the idea of having her cheat on Duncan intentionally, instead of it happening organically. I decided w/ the "it just sorta happened" approach because it feels a bit more "innocent" - second-degree adultery, if you will.

[Daye]

Lol. That's a good expression. Yeah, I think that was better than calculated cheating. Which makes Jean look like a manipulative bitch,

Not that Jean as a manipulative bitch can't work but that's usually in Scott/Rogue Fics. *subtly implants subliminal message so you write Scott/Rogue*

Edited June 21, 2012 by Daye

[DrunkenScotsman]

You never know...

[DrunkenScotsman]

Just saw your reviews of the most recent chapter, gents. Thanks so much for your continued and vocal interest in the story. I wish more readers would leave at least one review (like marvelfan98), but oh well.

Daye: I don't wanna give away too much, but Danielle's story will mark a shift in tone/mood. It might last the rest of the fic; it might just be her story. And I f---ing LOVE Order of the Stick.

MM: Your points are well-taken. I think maybe the piecemeal delivery of each of Jean's tidbits might not have helped. I also remember thinking as I wrote it all, as I wrote Jean being this big bundle of seeming contradictions, "this might be a bit more complicated than necessary." I'm gonna try to break it down below, so you can see where Jean's coming from, and you can maybe suggest ways I might clean up ch. 9.

1. Jean had a ton of guilt about cheating, though that doesn't take away from the fact that it was really good sex.

2. Duncan apologized for his behavior and mended his ways temporarily. Jean rewarded him with sex - classic positive reinforcement, though not that intentional on Jean's part because...

3. Jean also had sex with Duncan to soothe her conscience, especially by letting him think she was a virgin. Though dishonest, she saw letting Duncan have bragging-about-defloration rights as a form of atonement for her infidelity.

4. Jean also also had sex with Duncan because, at the time, she was still attracted to him and she wanted to experience sex again. (This part is probably the least clear in the chapter.)

5. After "Mainstream" and "Blind Alley," she's dumped Duncan and started a relationship with Scott. They decide to abstain from further intercourse until they're married.

6. Jean comments that it was "Scott's idea" as a form of penance. To me, at least, the idea itself, and the idea coming from Scott, are pretty consistent w/ how I've written them thus far, and w/ how they're portrayed in many continuities.

6a. Scott brought up the idea to soothe his own guilty conscience. Also, it's a form of training for their willpower, so that neither of them does anything like that again. (This is Scott we're talking about - train all the things! )

6b. I imagined Jean's tone when telling the other girl's it was "Scott's idea" as implying that she wasn't thrilled about it, but was willing to deal for his sake. (This might also be a good spot for revision suggestions.)

7. Jean also commented that she and Scott "make do" without intercourse. She left it vague, not wanting to discuss it w/ the other girls; fortunately, the conversation moved on and none of them asked. Plenty of real-life couples, of course, "make do" without intercourse at various times for various reasons, so it didn't seem all that far-fetched to me when I wrote it.

I was aiming to explore how one bad decision might lead to a series of other questionable ones - all to make up for the first one - especially for someone like Jean (and Scott - let's not forget it takes two to tango).

Does that address most of your questions? How might I incorporate more of that into the chapter (without Jean going on a long spiel - I'd prefer a more organic information flow)?

Daye, feel free to weigh in on all the above as well.

Edited July 23, 2012 by DrunkenScotsman

[DrunkenScotsman]

Thanks again, gents, for your feedback on the latest installment. I appreciate the support, and the knowledge that my writing has affected you enough for you to comment.

I almost couldn't go through with writing this chapter. Though I planned the girls' stories from the start, I almost, at the last moment, decided to make Danielle's story happy and fluffy (and I would've gone back and changed the previous chapter appropriately). Even though she's a fictional character, I hated having to do that to her... though it was good practice, I guess, for stories of a more-ambiguous nature.

The ambiguity was mostly intentional, since I wanted to reflect Danielle's mixed feelings about the kinda-sorta-maybe-rape. She's hurt, confused, and worried about the future, just when things were starting to look up for her. I will admit that the whole 'first shower together' part drew from my own experience; it was quite magical, actually. We almost did it, but stopped ourselves. So this chapter is a darker take on that, but it let me express in writing how I felt at the time.

Anywho, I'd definitely be glad to revise it a bit (or the previous chapter, for that matter) if either of you have specific suggestions.