InBrightestDay

Oh, so he doesn’t just fight dirty; he pre-fights dirty!

That’s pretty much it! His spirit just isn’t in it after he realises she’s totally loving it. It’s probably the only funny part in the story, but that chapter is a crossover between Predator and Clueless (and for parts of it, Mortal Kombat) so… 
Rules? I didn’t think that far ahead. I was just trying to get all the lurkers talking. Failed, mostly. Should have gone with something like “Of your OCs who haven’t fucked yet, who would be most likely to fuck each other.” or something Naruto related.
But with no prior knowlege of each other, genre free, no prep match up: of Gogedheh vs
Kizzy – Is limited by the mostly-human-like form she wears. The way I think of her is that a lot of the abilities she would have in her true form are denied to her, in a way they aren’t for lower orders like an Angel or Archangel. I’ve assumed her true six winged always-burning form cannot exist on Earth without damaging the planet extensively, like having a mini sun pressed against it.  Trained humans can and do beat Predators in fights in the films – Dutch the mercenary, Harrigan the cop, and her flaming soul sword would be a fair weapon against his wrist blades and armor – and could probably deflect plasma blasts too, but ultimately he’s simply more experienced at hand to hand combat than she is despite her age (Staff officers… always got their asses stapled to a desk...) and so he might have the edge.
Shannon – Would simply assume she can seduce him (perhaps feigning reluctance if she deduces he prefers rape), get naked, entice him to fuck her and then eat his life during the act, leaving him a dried out husk. Quickest, easiest victory. She might even get off.
Lupa – She’s a bit like the vampire Cassidy from the old Preacher comics – she has the strength and the speed, but despite Kizzy making her and Kate undergo combat training she’s probably liable to get her head taken off, which would work as well as the old stake through the heart (as Buffy once said, “You’d be surprised how many things that’ll kill”). If she did get past his guard enough to drink a load of alien blood she could withstand a lot of stabbings and a hole knocked through her with the plasma caster to take him. The mersmerism would work if she could get the mask off him and then he’d be wondering why he was lying down and baring his neck. “Hey! Tastes like guacamole!”.
Kate – Is the kind of ferocious beast critter that Predators hunt anyway. Probably the weakest against him for all her own strength and speed and some training. I mean, this guy can take down Xenomorphs and the like, and in a lot of ways Kate’s just a metalhead with a party trick and the munchies. Still, if Danny Glover can take a Predator it could be evenly matched on the day if she was desperately ferocious enough. She’s fast enough to dodge fire at least, and she can take a bit of punishment from the wrist blades too, maybe enough to get him bleeding out before she did.
So overall except for Shannon (who once again would solve a problem by fucking it), I would really see it depending on how things went during the bouts if there was no pre-prep.
I pretty much just made the 1D version of Luzurial. You’ve made the 3D version! No, absolutely genre is key. Every rape fic ever written about superheroines shows that. Including the abomination that was DC’s Identity Crisis.
Unless it is a Chick Tract universe where at the very last second he accepts Jesus Christ as his Lord and Saviour, says sorry, and goes to Heaven while the kind hearted Roman Catholic who killed him to save humanity is thrown in the lake of fire for being the Wrong Sort.
I don’t know that he’d hate Hell anyway – they’d probably have him taking seminars.  “Agile Working, Degredation and You.”
...yeah, my money’s on the god dude to win those scraps. I mean, it’s not the fairest of fights unless your name is Surtur or something.
Heh, Blackbird, so he’s the kind who kicks the balls and pokes the eyes and gets the three count after the ref bump.

Sure! After he seduced his opponent the night before the match and dropped a couple horse tranquilizers in their drink. 

Yeah, that does kind of feel like an instant win move.
And he’s got a pretty badass name!

“Wait, she’s into this?  This is not how this is supposed to go...”
That’s also something I should have asked about.  Are we going with Death Battle rules where neither combatant can know about the other(s) before combat starts, and weaknesses can only be exploited if there’s a way to find out about them?  I mean, what you just did was to think about both scenarios, so I suppose that works too.
  Genre affects a lot.  Clever tricks and badass powers work in normal stories because it makes the heroines look cool, but it can’t be allowed to work in a rape/torture/snuff fic because it would get in the way of the rape, torture and/or murder, so the genre of the crossover these OCs find themselves in is kind of vital.  Heck, given that we kind of share a character now (she’s your character, but we’ve each written one story with her), I can factually state that Luzurial has found herself in the same situation (metal chains/tentacle attached to arms/arm) twice and has used the same solution (focus power onto chains/tentacle until vaporization/melting occurs).  It doesn’t work in your story and it does work in mine specifically because they’re different genres.
Of course, that might backfire in the long run.  I’m fairly certain that if you rape a Seraph and then destroy her material form, you’re definitely going to Hell.  I mean, rape and murder are Hell-worthy offenses to begin with (so this guy’s already damned like five times over), but that’s only going to make it worse.

You kidding me?  This is what the internet is for!
I don’t yet have stories up (soon, though), so I feel I can’t start talking about OCs without spoiling future stories.  If I start discussing Chloe versus Yua...well, that’s going to require knowing who Chloe is and it’ll spoil the hell out of Yua.
Are you getting in on this, though?  You’ve got a crapload of stories.

Yeah, that does kind of feel like an instant win move.
And he’s got a pretty badass name!

In my fics, I think the obvious choice is Loja, but that’s because he’s a god and can just rip anyones soul out of their body and stick it in a cockroach. But if we’re talking like human OCs, I think I’d put my money on Blackbird. He’s not the strongest, not the most skilled, but he’s a survivor, and he will fight fucking dirty. 

I know the term! – not from the comics, but from the paperback books that came out ages time ago (looking it up, I think I read ‘em around 1994 when they came out!), seems they shared a universe with the comics/possibly novelisations of ‘em. I didn’t use the terms and naming from that universe in my story as I specifically based it on the film portrayals (Predator 1 and 2) I’d seen. I hadn’t read the books in a long time so was too hazy. I see what you mean, he is an OC for sure, but in a way it was just me slapping a name, libido and sexual sadism on one of the nameless types from the films so I wasn’t thinking of him as a properly original character. He counts for sure though!
In Predator 2 the mask had an alternate mode for the meat freezer warehouse place where the infra-red wasn’t working to see the government guys, so Lupa being room temp wouldn’t matter too much The hypno effect would likely be negated by the mask in the way, too.
So could he take the pack? Well, that would depend. He only went against non-superpowered foes when I wrote him. The later stories Deathstalker wrote expanded on his ingenuity at facing considerably more powerful beings and winning, so if Deathstalker was writing him, probably he could take all of them. If I was writing it…
My gut feeling is that he could take most of them because that’s basically what he does – if he knew enough about them to decide they were worth the hunt he could prepare effective weapons such as silver for Kate, or binding circles and the like. In the story I wrote he met someone with a sex drive almost comparable to Shannon’s and it confused the hell out of him. So if she just straight up let him fuck her and he didn’t understand the danger despite his preparation she could simply kill him with sex as part of her Succubus abilites.
If they were hunting him because he was on an Earth hunt but he didn’t know about them, he would have a far tougher time of it for sure, at least to begin with. Also it would totally depend if the fight was taking place in a rape/snuff fic or a good natured supernatural adventure
 

You kidding me?  This is what the internet is for!
I don’t yet have stories up (soon, though), so I feel I can’t start talking about OCs without spoiling future stories.  If I start discussing Chloe versus Yua...well, that’s going to require knowing who Chloe is and it’ll spoil the hell out of Yua.
Are you getting in on this, though?  You’ve got a crapload of stories.

It’s the internet. We can have discussions like this. Obviously if you’ve already written yer OCs fighting you have an answer for them, but what about the ones who haven’t fought? What then? Who wins?
 

“We’re gonna rock rock rock rock with the ROCK!” The Green Angels’ lyricist was really earning the big bucks.
I suspect he might not have been a fan of Metallica
“Well, this rock music can’t get any worse after Black Sabbath.”
*Hears The God That Failed*
“I was wrong.”
This here is one sweet gooey WAFFy post. Which I’ll ruin with flashbacks to the old I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream point and click game. I never got around to reading the story; I should do that sometime, it is meant to be an absolute classic.
The next reviews being for Whore of Heaven I suspect where I will not take offence if you have some harsh words about Luzurial’s treatment.
I thank you for your time! I have replied also

Reading them is a weird experience for me.  For Christians, Chick is like our racist uncle or something, so generally they’re deeply embarrassing to read, but sometimes they’re so bad they’re hilarious, and Dark Dungeons is definitely one of those.
That image actually came to mind; the McCallisters’ basement kind of did feel like a hellmouth.
Almost certainly, but that’s the Catch 22 of that story.  If Luzurial had done that, she wouldn’t be the likable character that she is, which is actually what I was getting at with the “I can’t imagine why...” comment.  Under essentially the same circumstances (oral rape), Luzurial was crying at that point, and her thought process could probably be summed up as “please make it stop,” while Miharu’s is more like “this shouldn’t be possible, but it tastes even worse than the food of the white savages!”  One of those draws immediate sympathy, while the other...doesn’t.  Couple that with the generally lighter tone and Drew’s inherent loser status and there you go.
I mean, if you ever want someone else to take a look at the story (just for perspective), I’d be happy to do so.  I’ve really appreciated your feedback with my story, after all.

Yeah, I’ve actually been working on that.  I keep alternating between the brief “what is this?” summary (Kevin’s never liked that creepy statue in the park...) and what I call the “paperback” summary, that is, something like what you’d see on the back of a novel.
Kevin’s never liked that creepy statue in the park.  It’s sad, it’s disturbing and, as he finds out one day, it’s not a statue at all.  The woman he finds inside is enigmatic, beautiful...and hurt in ways far beyond the physical.  Taking her home, Kevin attempts to help her heal, but she’s not the only thing to come back from the past.
That’s my best attempt so far, anyway.
Was Shannon having some thoughts about her commanding officer?
Kate: At this point I’m worried she’s going to end up drunk-dialing Astrid.
Lupa: Can succubi get drunk?
Shannon: I’m gonna find out!

Well, that is where the Fleshlight people got the name from.
I appreciate the compliment, but don’t go overboard here.  I lack your talent for economical storytelling, for one thing (thus far, in terms of word count, The Woman in the Statue is five times the length of Whore of Heaven, and I’m not done yet.  Granted, I could also blame that on the action scenes, but some of it is definitely down to me getting somewhat more verbose.
 
Oh, don’t worry about that.  As it happens, I made the reverse typo (“Had I just discovered you’re work now...”); I just managed to fix it quickly.

I actually just had to write that because I didn’t want to spoil anything, so I couldn’t really say who Luzurial was or anything like that, and similarly to Part One, I ended up making the summary Kevin’s PoV.
It absolutely makes sense, and I’ll try to give more of a sense of threat to the end of it there.
Oooooh that is such a compliment that I am seriously tempted to take it.  I’m trying not to get a swelled head, though, given that Luzurial would no doubt have some words for me about Pride.
The spellcheck here has some odd standards concerning contractions.  Didn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t, etc. all come up as misspelled, and yet you’re, they’re, it’s and don’t do not register that way.

There’s a few writers on here who are definitely far cross that line seperating them from the cheap nasty pornographers like me. They’re putting out seriously talented writing. I was going to start naming names but then I’d miss someone out and it’d be awkward. Also as at least three or four of them are site staff it would look like I was asskissing. But the point is, your current work reminds me of that level.
Thank you also for your reviews on the two parts of Miharu Sarutobi Must Resist! – I really appreciate them, and I am not just saying that. Thanks for letting me know about the times it made you laugh – really went for a jokey tone in a few places so I’m glad it came across well!
Yeah, sorry about that, me not being entirely clear. Ol’ Eparlegna’s just there in the flashbacks. Maybe I ought to go for a more pompous setting name like “The Books of Kizurial.” Otherwise I’m just gonna steal slumber-verse from you :p
Equal opportunity bigotry! It’s still un-PC but everyone gets a fair share.
Thank you! I think Dreneparssa was the last backwards demon name I came up with. Guy’s a total dork!
I’ve seen a whole bunch of chick tracts over the years, and I realise this isn’t entirely the point, but some of them are hilarious. I don’t know that I got all of the intended value from them to be honest. Weirdly enough there’s a Chick Tracts section on AFF, with a Dark Dungeons fanfic.
Makes sense! They’re both just mean spirited offensive stereotypes of COD players. I’d forgotten I’d used the COD GOD wording twice tho’ The fact that I’ve written stories around Valve point’n’shoot games like Team Fortress 2, Half Life 2 and Left 4 Dead but portray dickish COD players twice over may suggest a certain amount of anti-COD bigotry. Probably correctly.
Heh, maybe Miharu got a saving throw or something.
The crown’s more like the way a glass coke bottle narrows towards the end, but with rounding at the tip like you see on the top of some metal fences. Drew’s a bit less hardcore than his Daddy.
It still makes less noise than that one the family had in Home Alone! You got to get some benefits out of being a demon. Like how Shannon has literally never had to buy a drink for herself in any bar or club.
I think he was just impressed by her enthusiasm and willingness to be taken hard over and over. She might even have been the one who summoned him in the first place to unleash him on others and played to his pride enough that he left her basically what she was when he first met her – mentally screwy but physically ok. Perhaps Luzurial would have got an easier ride after all if she’d submitted immediately.
He might have just recently eaten a group of ravers off their heads on MDMA or something.
The less likely but possibly funnier possibility is that another considerably less intimidating demon was engaging in a bit of ID theft/demon catfishing and pretending to be Eparlegna. Such things likely wouldn’t go down well with the old bastard, but nobody said demons were all smart in this setting. Case in point of less than top intellectual brilliance: Drew.
When you’re playing a game and half the rest of the team have swastika symbols in non WW2 games and shout racist abuse every time they get killed… yup that’s FPS online play.
I expect all the jokes, and the fact that Drew is considerably less threatening and actually pretty pathetic probably account for it – As you said further up the review –
A bit less than Eparlegna’s wish to see the entire world in his dominion with an angel bound in a statue and suffering for all eternity for opposing him.
Drew’s demon junk actually tastes better than Wendys chicken nuggets.
The guy’s a moron! Plus, he has anger control issues, and when he couldn’t get her off he kept attacking her with force which then made it worse. So an asshole as well as a moron. Well, that or all the guides he read had been written for “how to please an extreme masochist” topics. 
Miharu: And don’t you forget it, baka!. Now get me a Asahi while I play the new Final Fantasy!
It’s okay except on a full moon and then the washing comes out dirtier than it went in.
And Janet just carries on regardless
If Shannon can manifest a cock for a story where there’s a gay guy who likes bottoming, Eparlegna can manifest some tentacles for background flavor in a story with a Japanese character! Although thinking about it, I’m sure I was intending that they were a variant on the old stone tentacles used for restraint in Whore of Heaven, only being used much more actively - maybe formed from the flesh of other victims or just something else. He’d still be the one directing them after all, and presumably he can choose to get sensory feedback even if they aren’t attached to him.
Well, that, or it really is another demon pretending to be him. Could explain why Drew is such a loser.
At the point Drew’s thinking anal is kind of gay even his demon half is basically face palming. I am 90% sure that the whole “Miharu hating and despising anal, and then coming from it and ending up having a lot” was one of the basic elements requested by Devil_PS for the story.
After about six months he is totally her bitch, and Janet’s probably hacked off because she’s got another damn teen living in her basement, she never got to unleash Drew on Mrs Jenkins, and none of the demons are answering her booty call summonings anymore.
Thank you once again! I’m glad you didn’t end up suffering through something too terrible expecting more slumber-verse shenanigans at least. A few good laughs probably makes it much more worthwhile.
There’s one 1000 word prompt story I haven’t posted with Lupa under a silence spell and Shannon, (Mentioned in this post!) where I decided that I didn’t like Lupa’s characterisation as being happy at killing. I much prefer her as snarky or outright bitchy and happy to bruise flesh and break bones, but not happy killing people at all (as opposed to, say, Kate, who’ll kill and chew on anyone who deserves it like good ol’ Jeb). I might one day post it as a “non canon” or “imaginary story!” to steal from DC silver age, or maybe even try and re-write it to feature Kate instead of Lupa. Reason I am mentioning it is just to throw out there if you’d like me to send it to you to read, with it being slumber-verse related? If not, no worries!

I think that’s pretty good. It’s got some good emphasis on what is the meat of the story, the recovery of Luzurial and her relationship with Kevin. It feels – and this is just my reaction at reading it – that maybe the end could be punched up in some way, to have a greater sense of foreboding or threat if that makes sense. I’m sure it’d be fine as it is though.
I mean, it’s Shannon. She wasn’t always a succubus but she sure was always Shannon (Edit: Although she had a different name!). No doubt such thoughts were contributing factors in her fall, particularly if someone else already on Lucifer’s side in the early days of plotting noticed an unguarded admiring glance, a flush of skin or a lip bite, or even came across her top secret carefully hidden “Things I’d like to do with Luzurial” ‘diary’.

“I’ll have slippery nipples, a mouthful of angel’s tit, a slow comfortable screw against the wall, sex on the beach, slam a red-headed slut and a white russian, and then I’ll go out and have some cocktails.”
Bob: “Guys guys! Imagine if you could fuck your flashlight!”
Jake (who already has one handle first up his ass): “That’s so unrealistic, Bob.”
They’re completely different things really. Mine was a PWP rapefic that was as long as it needed to be to fit in the cruelty and terrible cop jokes; basically mine was just porn. Yours is much more like a proper novel with some erotic elements and so the increased detail, the character interactions and disucssions, and background descriptions, the alternate events happening away from Luzurial, all add immeasurably to the experience. Yours is literature.
I feel I probably should spellcheck forum posts, but I always just never bother. I’m lazy, me.

Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. And then when you’ve finally got through all the blood, sweat and tears of getting it just right you have to write a summary to draw in the readers.
And that could be a hell of a conversation with Kizzy some day.
“I just wish we were allowed to screw back in the old days, you know? I was totally happy there apart from that even though I was like, the humblest of the host.”
“What do you mean?”
“Duh. That fucking celibacy command that came down from you Seraphim. The Creator gave Luzurial a rack like that, and then said hands off. It’s the deal with the tree in the garden and Eve loving figs all over again.”
“That.. that wasn’t… My friend, I tell you truthfully I never knew of any order given for celibacy. Though there was always one of the cherubim who debated most strongly in favor of it, no argument would have made us issue any order contrary to the Creator’s creation.”
Later
“Hey, Kiz, why’s Shannon eating a big tub of ice cream and crying?”
My badly written BDSM really hurt the masochists. So they demanded I write more.
Thanks for raising this! I always appreciate little pointers like this. For this one example I think I’ll keep it as it is because it has a faint echo of the phrase “carrying a torch for someone” and she isn’t carrying one. I have to make my own fun. I think I did know the term Flashlight from all the media I consume, but always worry about mistyping it as Fleshlight.
Yeah, Sarsa’s lack of imagination does mirror my own. I think I may have seen the bottle in a room in Fallout New Vegas.
Chances are none of them are really superfluous! Plus the interractions you’ve written for them are so natural and realistic – that’s one of the many reasons I think folks who give it a chance on AFF will love it. I mean, some right bastard of a writer put her though absolute hell so a little comfort is no bad thing.
No doubt with billions of years they’d have done a bit of redecorating! I suspect it would be more the demons of Shannon’s attitudes rather than the likes of Eparlegna.
Even so, I thank you for the reading and the feedback. And also for writing the superior-in-every-way sequel to Whore of Heaven.

Fucking Halloween Party was great fun to write! Still worth a read for folks who want some slightly spooky succubus sex without the kind of horrific death found in some of my stories. Nobody even gets a nosebleed. Someone does get a finger up the ass, but overall it’s a positive learning experience.
Thank you for the review! I am also happy to hear your getting some progress down after the screen glaring.
It might never get released! I mean, purely on the unliklihood of me never getting around to the story. At worst it’s “I’m really sorry if I’ve hurt your feelings. Yes, I did get a blowjob but I never dreamed someone as awesome as you was interested in me when I did, please don’t dump me… ” at best it’s “You want a threesome with her involved? Well, I mean, I love you, Jen, but if you really want it I guess we can try and find her…”
I am glad ya liked it though, it’s pretty feel good right? Shannon as a succubus would probably only have ensnared souls that were going to Hell anyway. She was never the cruellest of the fallen. Had things been a little different she may never have fallen at all.
I did have a look and there’s like 33 hits on google, and I don’t honestly know if the porn guy was before the original writing of the story (rather than the current loading date) or not. A little bit of interracial that was entirely good natured anyhow. They had fun! Hopefully the good cap’n met a decent guy afterwards and was really happy.
Thanks! It seemed better than my first thought of looking at the BDSM gear, rolling her eyes and muttering ‘amateurs’. Introducing a sex dungeon in a story and only using it for background would probably enrage Chekov, mind.
Thanks again! Just think how strong the spell would have been if she’d been able to source some IRN-BRU. (This joke only applies for the people of Scotland.)
Yeah, Sarsa’s just her pen name! (There was a bottle of Sarsaparilla in the room when she came up with it.), but she wanted You to believe you had power over her. “Writers are liars,” as Neil Gaiman wrote in The Sandman, although he may have been lying. Poor old Astrid, and all she did was mock the fanfic. So, you can imagine that COD troll was not likely to be having a romantic handholding date after his flame. Rumor has it they found bits of him in 18 states. Including Kansas. And those bits were all still alive. 
I guess one thing with a story like this is that for 99%+ of the readers who choose something like it they’re unlikely to have previously chosen Whore of Heaven and so it wouldn’t any flashback moments for them, it’s just a threat with the dramatic irony of knowing she’s not a real angel. For the less-than 1% of you who did read both, well, flinching isn’t unreasonable
Shannon’s one of the all round nicest characters I ever came up with but I guess at the end of day she’s still one of the fallen who rebelled against the throne and was cast down into Hell. That’d intimidate most people, especially on a first date.
The thing with beauty is that it can always in the eye of the beholder. There are those who absolutely love the aesthetics of death. And for the others, well, say you’re soaring high over the plains and forests, the cities and lakes, you can find beauty in what you see as long as you don’t look too closely.  Maybe. I think I probably just thought it was a nice image.
Yeah! Well, as long as Astrid doesn’t mind that total lack of monogamy or occasional cock thing. To be honest, those might be deal breakers.
Thanks for your feedback on this! It was a fun one to write and I remain pretty happy with it so It’s cool to hear you liked it.

If you don’t read Fucking Halloween Party any time soon it’s all good, it’s mostly just Shannon solving a problem by fucking it anyhow. If you’ve got the time and motivation to write, then write, I say!
Get your story storied, and if it takes days or weks or months I’m sure the ending will be sensational when it comes. I really hope it gets a lot of reads and reviews because the chapters I’ve read so far were really really good and you deserve that recognition.
I was thinking of other lines around Kizzy’s nerdy fandoms, say if Shannon was filling in Lupa on Luzurial more some time,
“Do you know how pure you have to be to be known as ‘The Pure,’ in Heaven? Like, really pure. I bet even Kizzy fiddles her expenses.”
“Huh?”
“You ever notice how many times she goes to look for evil threats to humanity at science fiction conventions?”
“I went with her that one time. Those neckbeards were evil. ‘Know how many wandering hands I had to break in that crowd? Anyway, there some some asshole she was tracking. Drew or something.”

I haven’t noticed any contradictions yet.  I mean, we really didn’t get much of a sense of her in TSPoED before the action started (which was by design, given the way that first chapter was structured), so it was only later on, specifically here, that we as an audience could start getting a sense of what her disguise personality really is.  The detachment thing really makes sense, again factoring in her lines in TSPoED, and she does seem very businesslike.  This chapter also explains what you mentioned earlier (off the forum), about her being willing to make harsh sacrifices for the greater good.
She’s a rather interesting character; in a way, it’s appropriate she’s into Star Trek, because she sometimes feels like an alien character, which makes sense.  Angels aren’t aliens in the extraterrestrial sense, but they very much are in the nonhuman sense.
You are most welcome!  I’ve read one particularly good second person story before (it was a Resident Evil Ada-centric story over on fanfiction.net), but the second person PoV didn’t feel integral to the fic; it would have worked just as well in first or third person.  This is the first story I’ve read where the second person PoV is so thoroughly taken advantage of for both comedy and storytelling in general.
It may take me a couple of days to get to Fucking Halloween Party, just so you know.  I’m trying to make more headway on my story.

You!: 5, aka The One Where I Couldn’t Think Of A Title That Fit
Thank you for ths review also! I went with that purely on rule of funny. And at least he noticed Kizzy’s serenity and probably started to assume before getting a faceful of Shannon being Shannon. 
Kizzy’s attractive – The sheriff in Blood on the Hay found her pretty enough – but she’s wearing a Star Trek t-shirt and Docs and all businss at that moment, while Shannon has the simple white dress, the halo-like hair and the stunning smile and the rest. Plus I did just think it was funny
Thank you! I think with Kizzy, I tended to view her as having been quite seperated from humanity before she came down on Earth and so she’s ended up ‘living’ her chosen disguise personality (which she presumably had some help constructing) more than. say, an Archangel might, while still being the Seraph underneath. I dunno, there’s probably other stuff where I contradicted that. I do that a lot.
Also, I really like how those lines came out too. Not my worst writing for sure!
Thank you!
 
Yeah, I see what you’re getting at. I guess Tyrone made the right choice rather than trying to fight or run, or side with Sarsa, although Lupa might be somewhat less happy once her thirst subsides slightly. That’s why I! would start with her chapter.
They had a word limit of 1000 words when I originally started doing the prompts, but this was removed later on. I stuck with it for You! partly for continuity and partly because I was having a great deal of trouble finishing anything and it felt like an achievable limit. Absolutely it could do with a longer and more detailed ending, especially as Tyrone would have enjoyed a few rounds with Shannon before dying, but I think I just about justified it by him deciding Sarsa needed to be sent to Hell quickly, and Lupa being really thirsty. I mean, not really, but close enough.
Thank you one final time for the reviews on You! I like how it turned out overall and so I’m glad you and others did too.

Oh, don’t take that as me getting genuinely upset.  I mean, Burroughs was born in 1875 and Tarzan of the Apes, the first book, was published in 1912 (though the two dozen sequels continued being published into the 1940s), so of course it gets racist from time to time.  I always just saw that as a thing I was going to run into reading really old books, but I completely get why it’s a deal breaker for a ton of other people.  I just made that little outburst as a joke about the second person format.
On an amusing tangent, while Burroughs could be very backwards in his books, he occasionally ended up rather forward-thinking as well.  In the novel Pellucidar (the second book in said series, oddly enough), the main character and his love interest are backed up against a sheer cliff face, and he thinks he’s going to have to coach the delicate woman into climbing down...and then turns around to find her already having climbed halfway to the bottom.  The main character, and thus Burroughs, then takes a moment to speculate that perhaps the reason women of the 1915 surface world aren’t like that is not an inherent limitation of being female, but is instead because of cultural conditioning.
It’s not like the whole book is like that or anything, but that was an idea weirdly ahead of its time.
Too late!  I finished it last night.  You’ll get a review at some point, but for the moment, just know that it made me laugh quite a few times.

That’s exactly it.  I didn’t want to get in trouble if AFF had a policy of not posting reviews by chapter once the story was completed.
Okay, I was drinking something when I read this, so it’s a good thing I’m on my phone at the moment and didn’t get soda on a keyboard while laughing.

Wait, what?
Hey, I’d read it.
 
Given the second part and the people skills problem, maybe she was supposed to learn about friendship.  I’m now picturing Kizzy writing a “Dear Creator” letter after every one of these adventures a la “Dear Princess Celestia...”  Of course, with Shannon as a friend, those letters are going to get hilariously NSFW very quickly.
It does sound more like the idea of punishment via reincarnation (as you said, though, reincarnation traditionally allows the possibility of redemption in your new life).  I suppose I wasn’t looking at it that way partly because of my own religious background, and partly due to the fact that the story elements place it pretty squarely in Judeo-Christian territory.  Still, you’re not the first person to combine elements from those religions with Buddhist or Hindu concepts.
Bernice is probably fine, all told.  She was shot in the head, which is a pretty instantaneous form of death (and she seemed not to have noticed what was happening to her body just beforehand), and given that she died assaulting a demon in an attempt to help an archangel, I don’t think there’s much doubt where she ended up.  Honestly, the most unpleasant thing to happen to her after that was likely spending the next three quarters of a century to 100 trillion years becoming increasingly alarmed at not seeing the angel she was trying to help.
So what you’re saying is that this is a...*dons sunglasses* ...loose canon.
I apologize for nothing.