Thundercloud

Mediocre writer….erhh...you have a bunch of experienced authors here that is giving you a number of reviews that say your writing rocks so please don’t listen too much to your inner critic. Every author make omissions and mistakes that we will regret or rewrite afterwards, that is why professional authors have professions producers. You are far ahead of the pack.
There are plenty of possible solutions. Perhaps the ground is so solid that she gets good leverage to stop the momentum, perhaps she is standing enough forward of the others to have space to end the momentum or as you suggest in your answer the car is more dropped on them than thrown.

Even more important I also think think that an actual angel doing heroic save of mortal are entitled to do miraculous things that would not be possible for an ordinary super hero. Allowing Luzurial to do the impressing save here without explaining the details is fair game IMO since the details is obviously not important for the scene, but the reason I commented about it is that is often good to think through the implications of what the hero can do so that you don’t end in a later situations when the reader wonder why she cannot repeat her feat of strength to save the day.

It is Uriel that is not part of archangels in Catholics and the Ortodox tradition. The others are the three named archangels out of seven that is supposed to exist. I have heard Michael and Gabriel mentioned in protestant services even if most books that mentions these are not considered good for canon use.
The reason I mentioned Masekat Atzilut is the angels you list as most alien is the upper level of angels in that source. The nine level of christian angels I think is most associated with Dante Alighieri today. All power to you if you want to use that in your story.
Personally I would not call the angelic hierarchy to be very Christian...more like medieval beliefs than anything anyone consider today. Micheal that command the forces of heaven on the hand is something that is directly mentioned in the book of Revalation. Does not make sense if he a low level angel..
Go with what feels best for you to make a great story. One plot device you could keep in store is that Luzurial can maybe not shapeshift after loosing her wings. Actually using medieval style Seraphs in you story sound like a headache…imagine how unstoppable they will be...

Good to hear that the chapter two already have improved descriptions. Honestly I was thinking on later chapters when I made my comment about better descriptions, I mostly recall the actual boss-fights so to say and not the smaller critters at the start of the story. Btw I plan to follow your suggestions and add a description for the prologue monster also, but I need to be in the proper mood first so it will most likely take a while.
*smiles* Yes it does indeed luck like she has terrible luck. It is not until the third chapter that both the reader and Jennifer start to get answers why Jennifer again and again ends in these kind of situations...of course the answer also open lots of more questions.
Thank you so much. I hope you will enjoy it.

Lol...Ned Flanders trapped in the mirror. I seriously cannot stop laughing. If I ever decide to do a parody of my own story that would be the way to go.

On a more serious note it is good that ghost comes across as evil. Basically there is meant to be no good redeeming qualites there, but just a very bored ghost that suddenly can take out all his built up anger on his poor innocent victim.
John is very much a decent guy that normally would never take advantage of his sister, but the ghost is working hard of convincing him that Ronja dig the thought to have sex with him. You can bet the ghost eventually succeed.

I am very proud of the master-trigger, and there will of course be plenty of hypnotic triggers coming up but that one is very nice.
Getting Ronja to participate in her degradation is an obvious way for the ghost to progress things. The thought that only anonymous dudes on the internet will be customers is of course bound to be proven wrong, that chapter is not written yet but I so look forward to that scene.
Having alternatives gives me as author more options. Basically the story contain enough material and kink for a number of separate stories,, but adding it together in the same story gives something that I hope is greater than the parts.
Great that you liked hypno-sex scene.

No problem at all. I am perfectly fine with writing the review again with adjustment for the changes you did. After all it is you who took the effort to rewrite the chapter based on my input.
I think there is a fine line between magical shield that is drained of power and willpower that deteriorate. There is also the interesting bit in the beginning of JayDees story when she spend effort to aid people who are tormented by the black force but afterward worry that this effort might left her weakened. For me this suggests that Luzurial in Whore of Heaven is spending some kind of magical/holy force to do supernatural stuff like resisting damage.

Honestly I don’t think getting these things consistent between your stories matter very much to your story but from an author perspective I think that making the character too impervious to harm can make it harder to create situations when the reader worry about the character.
It is your story so no problem if you think this should be general knowledge. I was not expecting Kevin to be interested in weapons, but if it is general knowledge then that thought is not as relevant.
Quite many settings invent a setting-specific word for these kind of things to not get too much baggage from other stories. If you like the name then continue to use it.

On the other hand...why do they write holy inscriptions on the weapon and expect them to work if they don’t think they are dealing with enemies of their faith? I think if mysterious being  appeared on our earth and we discovered holy symbols hurt them we would pretty soon talk about them as demons or devils.

No problem at all. I am perfectly fine with writing the review again with adjustment for the changes you did. After all it is you who took the effort to rewrite the chapter based on my input.
I think there is a fine line between magical shield that is drained of power and willpower that deteriorate. There is also the interesting bit in the beginning of JayDees story when she spend effort to aid people who are tormented by the black force but afterward worry that this effort might left her weakened. For me this suggests that Luzurial in Whore of Heaven is spending some kind of magical/holy force to do supernatural stuff like resisting damage.

Honestly I don’t think getting these things consistent between your stories matter very much to your story but from an author perspective I think that making the character too impervious to harm can make it harder to create situations when the reader worry about the character.
It is your story so no problem if you think this should be general knowledge. I was not expecting Kevin to be interested in weapons, but if it is general knowledge then that thought is not as relevant.
Quite many settings invent a setting-specific word for these kind of things to not get too much baggage from other stories. If you like the name then continue to use it.

On the other hand...why do they write holy inscriptions on the weapon and expect them to work if they don’t think they are dealing with enemies of their faith? I think if mysterious being  appeared on our earth and we discovered holy symbols hurt them we would pretty soon talk about them as demons or devils.

There is an obvious connection between the pen name and character, but unfortunately it is not more exciting than me needing a pen name when I started writing and the superheros code name fit my personality quite well so I just decided to use that.
The comment about the appearance of the monster is very on spot. It is intended to be armored being where you cannot tell what is inside the armor but I never really provided any visuals in the prologue. The  monsters that appear later in the story have better descriptions, but the one in the prologue could use some improvement.

As for the scene when Thundercloud is sent flying you are not the first one to react in exactly this way. The superhero that is so invulnerable that he lets himself be distracted by thoughts of sex while he is looking for super powered alien is meant to be funny and I think I succeeded. Upcoming chapters will give more details about the super heroes, but first they need to catch up with Jennifer that need to figure out who she is before she consider becoming a super heroine.

Actually I think there is plenty of reason for the readers to worry that somebody will get hurt even if they expect Luzurial to be immune to their weapons. The reason much of that worry was lessened for me was the scene with PDD that told about the upcoming attack that lets you know they will comes with guns blazing and is aiming to kill Luzurial. Having her dead at in this point of reason does not make sense so I cannot help discount the possibility they will kill her.

Possibly I might have been more on the edge if the PPD intended to injure her and capture her. PPD agents talking about the risk that the entity might be using mind control on innocent bystanders to make them act as human shields and they must be ready for making the hard choices would also work wonder to make the reader more nervous about the PPD making a mistake even if they are unable to hurt Luzurial. Another possibility would have been to have kept it hidden from the readers that the attackers are PPD and letthe readers imagination run wild.

It could also be worth to mention that as I recall Whore of Heaven Luzurial takes quite many injuries as she is tortured and I had no expectation of her being immune to the Gungnir. What if Luzirial does not have active invulnerability but need to raise her magical defenses to hold off the attack. A scene where she senses something is wrong, tries to raise her magic protection but the Gungnir is so powerful that she is sent tumbling despite her magic protection would IMHO work great.
The players doesn’t know PPD are not the antagonists when reading this and that it all was a misunderstanding sound like a good chapter climax.
I think the rub is that I don’t understand why Keving would now this. Not aa big problem but something
I would probably have gone with “demon of Class A” is or something similar. Apothesis sounds very holy to me.

The beginning of the chapter is certainly bleak for Ronja...our talk about an earlier chapter also made me realize that this scene with Ronja, even though that Maria intervene before things get out of hand, might be a scene that uncomfortable for people who have experienced anything similar.

Great that you liked the outdoor scene, my earlier reference of the blackmailer coming back for more should have some context by now. The  relationship between Ronja and Maria is of great use to ground the story so that the more kinky bits mean something real for the characters.

As for the names it is meant as a bit of a joke. The name Andersson is used by like 2.7% percentage of Swedes compared to Smith that think is used by less than 1% of the Americans. When I saw the Matrix the first time I could not help laughing when I heard his name that sound so utterly mundane to a Swede.

The question if he will get is comeuppance is still undecided...but I think there is a certain inscription on the mirror that Ronja should have paid more attention to.

Great that you liked the story. It is not like each review need to be certain length to valuable. It means a lot for me that you liked it.

English is indeed a second language for me, but some of the language mistakes can probably be attributed to lack of sleep. It is damn hard work to improve the language during later editing, but sometimes the alternative is not to write at all if I skip the late writing sessions.

Speaking of other of my stories…considering what you have written in other reviews there are some of stories you should stay clear of...for instance I really doubt you would like Tales of Deception that is brutal enough that I got actual flame from a reader that did not read the story codes. My story Carmen Elisa Need to Die is also not meant to be a feel good story, the lead character is not a nice person by any measurement. On the other hand I have written a number of stories where the heroes prevail in the end so if you are looking for stories with an upbeat ending there are worse authors. Feel free to drop me an PM if you hesitate about if reading any of my stories and need input on how to understand story codes (single scene or something recurring) and if the story ends upbeat or depressing. 

Great that you liked the story. It is not like each review need to be certain length to valuable. It means a lot for me that you liked it.

English is indeed a second language for me, but some of the language mistakes can probably be attributed to lack of sleep. It is damn hard work to improve the language during later editing, but sometimes the alternative is not to write at all if I skip the late writing sessions.

Speaking of other of my stories…considering what you have written in other reviews there are some of stories you should stay clear of...for instance I really doubt you would like Tales of Deception that is brutal enough that I got actual flame from a reader that did not read the story codes. My story Carmen Elisa Need to Die is also not meant to be a feel good story, the lead character is not a nice person by any measurement. On the other hand I have written a number of stories where the heroes prevail in the end so if you are looking for stories with an upbeat ending there are worse authors. Feel free to drop me an PM if you hesitate about if reading any of my stories and need input on how to understand story codes (single scene or something recurring) and if the story ends upbeat or depressing. 

I added a line about the aphrodisiac at the top of chapter. I also added a couple of more story codes. I personally think rape for the blackmailing situation is a stretching things...on the other hand I do for a later chapter on another story archive have the story tag “Non consensual sex” and rape might be closet alternative among the AFF story codes so no harm in having that story code.
The other codes I added was 3Plus and Bi that might be minor aspects of the story considering all the kink in there, but somebody might have bad experience about such so why not add those story codes also.

Good point with the idea to have a trigger warning about her getting intoxicated...do you think I should invent my own story tag (since OTHER seem kind of pointless and none others match, the AFF story codes really take a dictionary to understand) or should I just add a line about it on the top of chapter?

Actually it could be worth mentioning that the intention for the scene is for it to be a case of blackmail  more than crazy powerful love drug. So far in the story the blackmailing situation is a returning plot element (guess who will be back for more) while the aphrodisiac will probably not see much use. I had some ideas of earlier, but found other things to interest me when I continued the story.

The double meaning of the right equipment was not intentional from the start. When possible I want the story scenes rooted in reality and quite obviously it is pain to have dog at home without supporting equipment. As an example you see quite much in porn that does not make sense from a realistic perspective with all the anal play without proper preparations. Unfortunately this seems to cause an infinite number of story scenes where it is clear from the plot they did not have time to prepare for the anal sex...quite disturbing for me when I read such. 
Glad you liked the scene in John’s room. I have great fun writing all the “fan-service” events with the step brother since it is fun to change the situation so it is the girl that push and push for sex instead of the guy. Of course it is not intentional from Ronja’s side, but how should  poor John know that. Eventually a horny young man is bound to see a pattern after a while and then the really fun part starts...

As for the matter of Ronja’s experiences in sex there are more detail in the third chapter, but you are right that she does not have lots of sexual experience when the story starts. Ronja’s envy of the popular girls in class in the beginning ofthe story is intended to place her as the kind of girl that long for sexual contact, but not really daring enough to act teasingly enough to catch attention. Then things start to happen and Ronja is forced to get used things she could not imagine before.

No reason to feel such pressure. You might so far be the  lone reviewer here on AFF. In total I think the story has gathered feedback from about 8 persons, but a few has reviewed more than one chapter and most important my beta reader has reviewed every chapter.
You are right about it being 9k+ words...it is about 9300 words...if I make a guess that would mean it is a bit shorter than my average chapter...
 

That she survived seems more like the outcome from her healing ability rather than you pulling any punches.  Of course I should not be complaining about uncanny healing abilities of characters,  my character Jennifer from the G.S.P. story is very much over the top on recovering from injuries. In you story it is at least explainable from the start how she can have such amazing healing power and resilience to injury.

As for the nature of demonic bad guys I am sure fan of tentacles and have included them on a number of places in my stories. The problem with tentacles story wise is they don’t have weak spots so to say so the bad guy does not really expose themselves when they use them. It if of course possible to imagine the heroine over power tentacles, but then why use the tentacles in the first place…

As for the beast tag on my story, do remember that the story tags are for all the chapters. There is one beastly scene evenat the beginning of the story, but the good beastly stuff is in chapter 3 and forward.
 

Don’t worry about it. I was not expecting lots of sex and in many aspects the best erotic scenes are the ones when the story makes the sex count so to say.

Don’t worry about it. I was not expecting lots of sex and in many aspects the best erotic scenes are the ones when the story makes the sex count so to say.

Yes, I guessed the idea came from the picture, but to actually execute the idea in the good way you did takes skill and effort.

No worries about the name mixup. I am used to readers struggling with my names since working with the story “The Tale about the Laughter of Azbezil”. In that story I really went over the top with weird spellings.

In recent years I have been using quite many Swedish names (feels natural when stories take place in Sweden but also in fantasy stories). The name Elenore is used by 5138 Swedish woman. It is version of the greek Helenē and means shining light. If I understand correctly it was quite popular name about 100 years ago in USA, but not as much today.

I find your reviews very helpful so if you started bad experience has improved your skill a lot.

Thank you for the review. Looking at what you wrote I think you will like the upcoming chapter when it is done.

It could perhaps be interesting for you to know that I actually started this story years back and intended for it to be 4 chapters long, but I ran into trouble with the latter part of story when I things started to feel rushed. Trying to move the characters in position for the final part of the story meant too much of the text was spent on the wrong parts with no good final scene for the chapter. Recently I picked the story up again and realized I could fix the issue by retarget to 5 chapters so I could get room to expand the parts that felt rushed. The good news is that I got about 25 pages more written for the story that I can reuse for chapter 3 and 4, but there is still plenty of work left to be done.

I don’t have any great preference about single chapter review or multipart reviews. Looking back at my own track record I think one review for each batch of chapters that I read is the normal thing I do, but seriously the one taking the trouble to review things should have the final say about this. Getting good reviews is so rare that no author should complain about such.

As for your story I agree with the choice of keeping the story in the current version and use my suggestions for future stories. I look forward for what you will come up with.

Thank you for the greatly encouraging review. Considering that I am the author the information that there is a plot twist should not be such a surprise, but I really appreciate that you avoided spoiling the twist.

As for the parts that you needed to reread I am not totally surprised. With English as second language and uneven access to proofreaders there are bits that most certainly can be improved. I am glad you could enjoy it despite this.