Coyote

Author: Coyote aka Mike Stone (which is rumored to be me) Title: The Mare Summary: A young, exceptionally tall woman gets shunned in her home village for her large build. She retreats from her peers and starts tending the horses, discovering a strong attraction to the male parts and mating of horses. Some developments and further discoveries lead to her starting to believe to be a literal mare, accidentally being born into a human body. A belief that she will firmly hold onto and act upon, until she meets a centaur and everything changes. Feedback: Every kind of feedback and criticism is welcome. I'm especially interested in comments on my writing style, use of language and grammar, for I'm not a native speaker and my writing skills in English are just developing. Fandom: Original - Fantasy Pairing: Solo female and M/F (stallion/girl, centaur/girl) Warnings: Anthro (centaur), Beast (horse), D/s, Exhib (public nudity, shamelessness), Fingering, Fist, HJ (and titfucking and whole body masturbation), Hum, M/F, Minor2 (arguably), OC, Oral, Other (underlying bullying theme, stretching/bulging, unusual vaginal wetness, squirting, cum-addiction/cumsluttery), Solo, Toys, Voy, WIP, WS. Solo story or chaptered story: Chaptered ad currently in chapter five, which is about halfway through as far as I have planned yet. URL: http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600107024 As I said, I'd love to get opinions on my writing style as well as on the story itself. My first reviewer said something about the way I described the bestiality parts being suitable for readers not violently opposed to the concept, so maybe you'd want to give it a try, even if you aren't into beast that much. It starts out fairly light, too. Any insights helping me to get better as a wariter are appreciated. I'm not strictly an amateur anymore, for I've been writing stories in German for many years now. So I usually can relate to technical feedback pretty well. On a side note: My centaurs are horse-like on the lower half. Including genitalia. Also I don't attempt a realistic depiction of sex between horse and human, but I have reasearched the topic thoroughly. Any not strictly realistic descriptions are intentional. It's a fantasy world and I really wanted to make some stuff possible, just for the fun of it. Thank you in advance for giving me feedback!

Hmm... Comes out of the blue in my opinion... The explanation of the 'why' felt like info dump and didn't really convey insecurity. Though you gotta stick with the attitude of your characters and if she is usually lecturing, she shouldn't stop that here. So trying not to alter the general style, tone and direction, I'd suggest: “Well as you know, I am a priestess from the Demon country, as such I had lived a very secluded life and I don’t have many real friends. The only people that would see me from a day to day basis were the many guards that were there to protect me. Not many of them were interested in being friends with the person they were only there to protect, even the servants kept their distance from me as well as the general populace. So I never…” She trails off and looks down, her cheeks suddenly flushing from embarrassment. “You never?” “I-I never had a chance to… you know… kiss somebody…” she whispers. Quickly she adds: “Not that I don’t know how it works! Approximately…” “So, are you asking me to show you how it is done?” “Show me?!? No! I thought, you could… tell me a little bit more about it and then I could figure it out somehow.” “That doesn’t work out. Trust me, I tried that and when it happened for the first time I was completely frozen in shock. His tongue just…” “His tongue?” “Oh my…” “He will… use his tongue?” “Boys always do that. It isn’t that bad, you know. If you know what’s coming, that is.” For a moment they are both silent. “Shall I show you?” she softly asks, touching her friends arm reassuringly. She blushes even more and swallows hard, but then manages to nod. That’s just one approach. I’d put the more experienced one into a lead role and let her adopt the big sister teaches attitude. There can be more between the lines, though. I don’t know if you’re aiming at some girl on girl action here. Anyway… Get emotional! This is awkward, embarrassing and incredibly important to the reclusive one and the other girl can relate. She hopefully knows why her friend wants to know how to and remembers her first time clearly. Personally I’d prefer a more subtle approach without much dialogue, though. I’d put the reclusive one into a position like in front of a large mirror after the two of them talked about the guy she has a crush on. Then I’d give her inner monologue and let her muse about stuff like being pretty enough or whatever she can worry about regarding his attraction to her. Then she can think about the prospect of kissing him and why she doesn’t have any experiences with that - thus getting the explanation away without dialogue. The experienced one could then step up and brush her friends hair from her neckline or do something else to touch her reassuringly and also point out that she thinks her friend to be absolutely beautiful enough for the guy. Without any words they can communicate with their eyes through the mirror. The reclusive one full of anxiety and the experienced one reassuringly. Then it bursts out from her trembling lips, her eyes moistening: “I have never kissed before…” The experienced one reacts calm, maybe having expected that, and takes her friend by the shoulders, turning her around. “I’ll show you…” she says and then does exactly that right away, initiating a soft, tender kiss right on the verge of being passionate. You’re free to exploit it from here. The motivation of the experienced one isn’t clarified yet and things can heat up, get awkward or whatever you want. The reclusive one can even forget about the reason for the kiss and fall for it. Inexperience and a firmly leading hand can work wonders together. Hope that helps.

How does this not count? Where's the difference if I describe a vagina as looking like a fig and telling the reader that they look like it to me in first person? Btw. a fig is a fruit from northern Africa. A banyan. Ficus benghalensis. In German 'Feige' (meaning fig) is a common synonym for vagina. And I still stand by my assertion that you can use as many food related metaphors as you like, if you do it right. The problem isn't the metaphor, but the male tendency to view bodies as a collection of parts, while women tend to see them as a whole. In general compliments (being descriptive in dialogue) should be referring to a woman as a whole to get received well, while you always can compliment a man on just parts of his body and get a favorable reaction. Am man getting told that his chest looks awesome will proudly push it out and grin, a woman will look at you questioningly and if you don’t elaborate will either think to herself or ask you: “What about the rest? Is my chest the only thing you care about? Am I some kind of supporting frame for my breasts in your eyes?” If you want to compliment her on her bits, better make sure you have to say something nice about every single part of her. Whether you should start with her inner beauty and intelligence or can begin with something on the outside depends, though… And regarding the ‘making fun of’ thing. It’s really a subconscious thing. Consider the difference of the following sentence, if spoken by a man or a woman: “I love fucking and do it pretty often.” Spoken by a man it implies a womanizer. Spoken by a woman it conveys sensuality and will not automatically be viewed as a proof for promiscuity, even if that turns out to be the case. The same words are received in a really different way. Just keep that in mind when writing and make use of it. And also keep in mind the psychological differences. A woman will be much more willing to view self-mockery as a sign of confidence. A man usually takes things like that more literally, for everything that makes the opponent (and all men are opponents on some level) look weaker is appreciated. If you doubt that, try out the following: Start a fun talk about sexy stuff in a mixed group, subtly bring up the penis size issue and direct it at some of the guys, bringing them to express their alleged feelings of contentment with their equipment. Then admit to be meagerly packed with a confident smile and watch the reaction. It’s priceless.

I assume that 'without thought' really means 'without planing', right? I really can't imagine writing without thinking. I'm thinking way faster than I could ever type or even speak. Usually I develop a scenes basic outlines pretty fast in my head and write them down, modifying the details on the way. I don't always plan ahead, though. And that leads to several stories getting stuck at some point. I'm trying to accustom myself to a way of more pronounced planing, practically outlining a longer plot in advance. If I'm lucky, I will enter flow when I pick up writing and the details get pieced together without much effort.

Admittedly I was hoping for that.

When I first told her that her lady bits looked like a rosy fig, she shot me a funny look and rolled her eyes. It took me about two hours, in which I showed her what I usually did with ripe figs and why I really loved them. After I was done and held her in my arms, letting her catch her breath, she looked at me again. I took a while for her to speak up. “A fig?” she asked. I nodded. “And you always do that with figs?” “Can’t resist.” “Well… okay then.” Nowadays she’ll still secretly punch me and openly roll her eyes when I talk about vaginas generally resembling figs to anybody. Then she’ll shoot me that other look and I know exactly what I will have for dessert later. Most likely before dinner… I also stand by my assertion that a good writer can get away with virtually everything. It's really a matter of style and the characters you develop. I agree that the usual apples, peaches, melons and other cliché comparisons are completely overused, though. Regarding making fun of people: Trying not to make fun of men makes you a good person. And a very controlled one, too. Admittedly I find it hard not to make fun of my gender, for we are born so incredibly handicapped and still don’t doubt to be the epitome of evolution. Unless you cut of our balls or the dick happens to be small-ish, which completely erases said feeling of superiority. Using this as evidence it is arguable the head really is the seat of consciousness. There apparently are some synapses interwoven into the spermatic ducts… But honestly… think about it: Nowadays it is considered rude to make the jokes I grew up with. Most of them are sexist and targeting women. On the other hand it is considered smart not to take the own maleness to seriously. The media and the whole society are programmed this way and even intelligent people usually react to deeply rooted stuff like that instinctively. Plus being willing to make fun of oneself always leaves a nice impression. So it’s really a trick of sorts, but one somebody really being stuck up about oneself wouldn’t use. Then again I can’t really tell if that’s enough. I can’t stop understanding women as a whole the way I do and more often than not my chauvinist characters aren’t really compelling. So maybe I’m jumping into conclusions here. The best advice I could give is really the most ‘strenuous’ and most rewarding: If you want to rite in a way appealing to women, go out there, make friends with as many women as possible and sit down to listen to them. Be a nice person, show interest and don’t take every opportunity to get laid, instead gaining trust. When you finally get invited to events that are usually ‘girls only’ you will actually hear exactly how women want their sexual fantasies to be described. Just take mental notes and you’re fine. See you in five to ten years…

It's really a matter of style. I agree that some things are generally viewed as bad, but that's mostly due to overuse. Apart from the anatomical impossibilities, of course… (First of all: Everything I say is a generalization. All women are individuals, as are men. There are huge differences, but there admittedly are similarities, too.) You have to decide if you want to write realistically or over the top. There are lots of women out there who actually like ‘over the top’ and don’t get offended by cervix penetration, two foot dicks and Y-cup breasts, who also happen to lactate and of course stand by themselves without ever needing a bra. If you want to write stuff like that, you just should be upfront about it. You don’t need to mention it specifically, but you have to show it through your style. The whole thing has to be a little less than serious. That said it isn’t that hard to write realistically in a way appealing to the female reader, but it’s more effort. You have to stay away from typical male clichés, of course. Measurements are useless, for they are to precise. A good course of action is to not use them at all. A large cock is a subjective description. Ten women (or generally ten readers) will give ten different measurements if they were asked to describe a large cock. One general secret in appealing to female readers is to speak appreciatively about the female body without showing it off. Being vague is encouraged, because (again generalized) women are usually more willing to use their imagination. They often can live with a ‘beautiful’ face, an ‘appealing’ bosom or a ‘sexy’ butt. If you get more specific, to have to make sure to have their attention thoroughly in your grip. Which is the sole secret, by the way. If a more critical woman isn’t caught up in your story deep enough when you get to the nasty bits, you can only hope for good luck. Maybe your descriptions will be to her liking and she’ll enjoy it - or not. You have to catch her way before that. Call it foreplay, if you like. It’s as important here as it is in bed with her. Women are generally more emphatic than men and they can relate. Begin a story with introducing a character or more and make them persons a reader can relate to. Make them people the reader gets to know and hope that they like ‘em. If you manage, you have already won. Alternatively you can choose a topic of interest, but honestly: I don’t often see men pick any. In erotic literature the men are interested in sex and the women are interested in the interpersonal relationships, which can INCLUDE sex, but can’t be limited to that. So it’s all about the characters. If they are interesting enough, you can later get away with frit-references, absurd cock sizes and even lots of spunk. Cervix-breaking is a killer, though. Most women had their run in with something bumping their cervix to hard and that’s about as pleasant as something shoved into the butt when the sphincter cramps. (Which, by the way, is the most important reason for the right description of anal sex. Many women also know THAT feeling - thanks to an idiot in their life - and if you want them to enjoy written anal sex, you have to soften them up, get them to relax and cautiously prepare them by increasing stretching, just like a real woman with bad experiences has to be prepared for real anal sex.) I could go on, but I’m not even sure if anybody can relate to the things I have already written. Just one secret tip at the end: Make fun of men. Women aren’t by any means nicer persons than men are. They make fun of us, just like we do regarding them, but they are more subtle and the world currently frowns on male sexism. Sexism against males is something completely different, though. Make fun of men, even of your male main character. Show that you can laugh about yourself and that you aren’t obsessed with the male superiority and your female readers hearts open up much more easily.

I'm as sure that it does really happen, as a male can be. I haven't witnessed it in person, but I have spoken to women who did it and have no reason to doubt what they told me. My general impression is that there isn't as much reasoning behind it, as you might think. It apparently can be something that just happens, if the dynamics between the friends are right. A conversation like the follwing doesn't need to take place or may even be the real myth: 'We should totally try making out. In case it happens any time soon with whomever I wanna be prepared. - Yeah, let's try you tilting your head left and me to the right first...' One particularly detailed depiction I got completely centered around the awkwardness of realizing what was happening. The two girls had been close and touching beyond what would normally deemed appropriate in a friendship was firmly established, but not pronounced. It was just a tad beyond the boundaries, though. Embracing while sleeping in one bed and just touching breasts and enjoying the warmth, maybe brushing a nipple every now and then very lightly, but nothing more. Pretty innocent stuff. When kissing came up as a topic, it was a natural to try it, because normal kissing (lips on lips for a moment) was firmly established behavior. It was the difference of actually opening the lips and a touch of a tip of the tongue that made the eyes snap open and bring on the sudden awkwardness. That was the moment I got told about: Gazes locked, faces centimeters away from each other, quickened breath hitting trembling lips. New feelings mixing into the established friendship and casting exciting, yet dreadful shadows. A loss of innocence and fear of growing up and losing something. The one asked: “Are we…?” The other answered: “Dunno…” The first one replied: “Then we aren’t.” The other one again: “Okay…” Then they kissed again and delved deeper into it, because they had deduced that they ‘weren’t’, so it wasn’t a problem. Linear logic would have taken much longer to figure that out and also would have left doubt, if they ‘were’. Fortunately women are born with a far more pragmatic and effective form of logic already programmed into their brains (yes, I’m serious) and so can get around without bothering with analysis if necessary. As for the question what exactly they ‘weren’t’ or were afraid to ‘be’, one answer of the grown up woman who had been one of the girls was: “Crazy.” The other said: “Lesbians.” I can’t describe the way they then looked at each other. Ten years later linear logic managed to let them feel shamed for something they never before cared much about. Being sure that they ‘weren’t’ had been much better than clarifying what exactly was meant. I really envy women for that ability. Logic sucks! Of course that’s one example of many. There can be perfectly reasonable discussions about the pro’s and con’s of practicing before doing it with boys and leaving a bad first impression. And there are adventurous girls who embrace the whole thing for it’s own sake. Kissing is fun, after all. Plus girls are usually not raised quite as homophobic as boys and often find it easier to embrace our species natural bisexual tendencies. But honestly: If you let two female characters discuss the topic using the usual approach, you will raise suspicion in your readers. It’s just too cliché, because guys love that fantasy. If you want compelling female characters, the best approach is to stay away from things that guys can relate to. Let them act ‘as only girls can act’. Even if that’s bullshit from an objective point of view, we’re talking about writing here, where things have to be better than real. Hope that helps. ;-)