Thundercloud

Thundercloud's Review Responses

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Like eight years since I posted on AFF but I have been busy writing while away. Some technical problems to get old account working so I had to start a new account, but hopefully it will be sorted out and I can get the revised stories up together with the old reviews and hit counts.

Meanwhile I will work at uploading my backlog of stories on AFF and giving responses on any reviews that people write.

Posted Original stories:
The Master Program
Carmen Elisa Needs to Die

With the Mirror Came…

G.S.P. (revised)

Tales of Deception

Scandinavian Tales:The Deal

The Tale about the Laughter of Azbezil

Edited by Thundercloud

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The Master Program
From JayDee on December 23, 2018

 

I really liked the twist! I won't say any more because even saying that is a spoiler because people who see this first will expect a twist. Ahh crap. I had to re-read a couple of the choppier bits to see what was going on, but it was a great fun story.

Also, really sweet that he didn't want to change her physically at all. Seems like that might have counted for a lot too!

Thank you for the greatly encouraging review. Considering that I am the author the information that there is a plot twist should not be such a surprise, but I really appreciate that you avoided spoiling the twist.

As for the parts that you needed to reread I am not totally surprised. With English as second language and uneven access to proofreaders there are bits that most certainly can be improved. I am glad you could enjoy it despite this.

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7 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

Thank you for the greatly encouraging review. Considering that I am the author the information that there is a plot twist should not be such a surprise, but I really appreciate that you avoided spoiling the twist.

As for the parts that you needed to reread I am not totally surprised. With English as second language and uneven access to proofreaders there are bits that most certainly can be improved. I am glad you could enjoy it despite this.

To be honest I have problems with the English in my stories and English is supposed to be my first language (although the local dialect is a bit different to the version shown by, say, Hugh Grant in Hollywood). When I review if there’s some awesome bit I like to say it’s great, but then I don’t want to ruin it for some other reader who checks the reviews before reading the story. It’s a fine line :)

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Carmen Elias Need to Die
From JayDee on December 31, 2018

***READERS - SOME SPOILERS IN REVIEW***

Let’s try that...

The starting of this was fun – the little story about why she’s really after Carmen made me smile, also “Lone blond warrior woman on the road with over sized swords always attract attention.” This is even more true in New York than it in fantasy societies, especially with a hilt produced in that fashion... and it’s an interesting take on the old magic sword formula. As more info gets revealed about the deal, and the demon within and that, it makes the sword a pretty interesting character in its own right.

In part 1 - I really enjoyed the scene where Lydia was using it while tonguing the mayor’s balls. The battle with the robbers was fun! Sudden gore and badassary with a blade. Gotta love that. Farmer at the end of part 1 just having a bad day, so far as his marriage vows were concerned.

Part 2 – It kind of builds that things are going to be painful for Elenore, so when she enjoys it all and the sword ‘plays nice,’ that’s actually a pretty cool bit! A good bit of demonically enhanced dickgirl action is right up my personal kink alley.

With the later scene, this line made me laugh out loud

"Quite obviously," I complained and abandoned the attempt. "You are good fuck but can forget about any discount with such limited staying power."

It’s a lot of fun when she gets to use the magic sword cock on Elenore too. Good idea for sneaking it past really.

I’ll read part 3 when it is up!

Thank you for the review. Looking at what you wrote I think you will like the upcoming chapter when it is done.

It could perhaps be interesting for you to know that I actually started this story years back and intended for it to be 4 chapters long, but I ran into trouble with the latter part of story when I things started to feel rushed. Trying to move the characters in position for the final part of the story meant too much of the text was spent on the wrong parts with no good final scene for the chapter. Recently I picked the story up again and realized I could fix the issue by retarget to 5 chapters so I could get room to expand the parts that felt rushed. The good news is that I got about 25 pages more written for the story that I can reuse for chapter 3 and 4, but there is still plenty of work left to be done.

Edited by Thundercloud

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Carmen Elisa Need to Die
From JayDee on January 12, 2019

***READERS - SOME SPOILERS IN REVIEW***

Part 3

Quite the emotional roller coaster this part! There’s the real sense of exhaustion at the start, then the anal rape.

The concept of the magic sword turning back to sword form and impaling the rapist to the ceiling was really imaginative. Just a great idea and image.

The follow up violence was all kinds of fun too – getting back on the turncoat sellsword was a neat idea, and the little line about him trying to pull the sword hilt from his throat with crushed hands with vividly brutal.

Pregnant Elenore also opens up some different possibilities; there’s that one reference to the demon baby inside her having influence. Would be interesting to see how that plays out more later.

The whole plot to break up Frank’s marriage and have him rape his daughter is really evil, but they do execute it really well. Lydia certainly seems to enjoy the sight of him raping her and her enjoyment if it is pretty infectious.

How about that ending! Lucas’s arrival and those cuffs were a real twist. I am looking forward to part 4. It’s a fun little story, Sorry it took a little time to get around to reading the new part.

That was certainly a really detailed review of the scenes in the chapter. You walk as fine line by talking about the scenes without really spoiling them too much, but I think you handle it very well. It is great for my inspiration to get to hear your thoughts about the scenes. Thank you a lot.

It was really fun to read the “emotional roller coaster” description since quite a good part of the chapter is reused from the my earlier attempt to write the story. In a story Like “With the Mirror Came..” there is plenty of room of developing the gradual adjustment of the characters as things go constantly worse, but with the Carmen story I really need to make the sentences count since I am aiming for the more quick and fun kind of story with less advanced plot. You seem to have enjoyed quite much of the chapter so the rewrite seems to have paid off.

I hope that you will enjoy what I have planned for the pregnant Elenore when they reach their destination (btw you mixed the names, I adjusted it when I copied it here) . One of the reasons of adding more travel time to this chapter and the events at Frank’s place is make sure the timeline of pregnancy fit with the rest of the story. Still some minor scenes that need to be developed but I am really looking forward to write the planned upcoming major scenes and the actual ending of the story.

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Sorry about the name mix up – I wanted to copy and paste the character names (except Frank!) for the review to make sure the spelling was right. It looks like I still had Lydia’s names copied when I’d meant to change it to Eleneore’s for that comment.

For me with reviews I sometimes worry too much about spoiling and so it’s just basic “Wow, I liked the fucking!” and sometimes I try and cover specific bits or quote lines that really appealled to me. I’ve never been any good at constructive criticism so I am generally looking at positives and not seeing negatives!

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No worries about the name mixup. I am used to readers struggling with my names since working with the story “The Tale about the Laughter of Azbezil”. In that story I really went over the top with weird spellings. ^_^

In recent years I have been using quite many Swedish names (feels natural when stories take place in Sweden but also in fantasy stories). The name Elenore is used by 5138 Swedish woman. It is version of the greek Helenē and means shining light. If I understand correctly it was quite popular name about 100 years ago in USA, but not as much today.

I find your reviews very helpful so if you started bad experience has improved your skill a lot.

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With the Mirror Came..
From JayDee on January 24, 2019

Chapter 1 review – Some spoiler bits because otherwise my reviews tend to be “Yeah, liked it.”

Paragraph one, establishing a love of dogs right away. Foreshadowing? Well, we’ll see... Decently detailed intro, you’ve got Ronja’s physical description, details of family relationship, the interest in the self-hypnosis and the urban exploration all coming in without overloading.

During the exploring I though the dialogue over Maria being left with the dildo “used”, and Ronja joshing about a ghost was funny. Whatever bad things come from them taking the stuff, well, they really should have remembered not take stuff while exploring. Bad form, that is. Take nothing but pictures and all that. The mirror is almost glossed over with the dildo talk, yet the implication from the title is that it plays a bigger part. Nicely understated!

With certain spooky elements like the mention of the ghost I guess a gratuitous shower scene is pretty apt. Can’t blame John for his reaction at seeing her naked given her physical description. Certain hints of step-cest ?

That masturbation scene is hot! Seriously. It’s a really good one, some lovely detail and using the mirror to check herself out added a fun extra kink. Her little fantasy too, pushing herself over... As for the mirror, will absolute power corrupt absolutely? I guess we’ll find out. Really fun little self-play there though.

And then, wow, WOW, a little accident, removal of leggings and Roy the wonder dog. There’s something incredibly hot about him going to work with his tongue while his owner is oblivious. “Just sniffing” eh? That danger of getting caught, too, there against the wall, the sense of wrongness and dirtyness but still enjoying the feeling. Great section.

Heh, poor John getting a flash of ass and dropping the spice bottle. Poor 16 year old probably got a bit shocked there!

Then the ending, with the filthy porn emails she can’t quite get rid of... I guess the suggestion is that Ronja will end up doing some of the things she sees in the porn? A bit of foreshadowing?

So by the end of Chapter one there’s those growing hints of something that may be supernatural (strangely cold mirror, coincidence &  fantasy or porn and reality) or may just be mundane eg the webcam could be remotely controlled... we readers don’t know yet. Just don’t know.

It took a bit of time to read but I’m glad I’ve started as I’m interested to read more of Ronja and Maria, and John (...and Roy) and some sizzling erotic writing in there too.

Shame to see over 1000 hits and no other reviews, but that's AFF for you.

It is great fun to hear your impressions after the first chapter. Makes me think me think on those years ago when I started to plan the story. When I reread it myself I knew so much about what will happen that my perception about the foreshadowing parts turns kind of weird if you get how I mean. For instance I am still proud of the the scene with Roy in the first chapter, but obviously that is not last seen of that dog and not recalling the other scenes takes active effort.

In case you wonder I have by now overrun the initial plan for the story by lots. There are other stories where I really planned the whole story before I begun to write, but with this story I never expected to come up with so many great ways to mess with these characters before I began writing it. The final ending of the story is decided, but that path there depends very much on feedback. Only downside with working this story is that each chapter takes a ton of time to write since the characters has experienced a lot and it takes serious effort to keep track of things.

It will be very interesting to hear how you think later chapters deliver, there are quite many kinks not covered in the first chapter.

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Roy seems like a hecking good boy and It’s great there’s more of him coming. As it were.

I hope the final ending isn’t too dependent on feedback, if I’m the only one reviewing. There’ll never be an ending in that case! I can absolutely see how it must take a lot of time and effort though, that first was, what, 9k+ words so there’s literal hours of writing time in there. Takes a good while to read, too, but I’ll try and get part 2 read before too long.

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9 hours ago, JayDee said:

I hope the final ending isn’t too dependent on feedback, if I’m the only one reviewing. There’ll never be an ending in that case! I can absolutely see how it must take a lot of time and effort though, that first was, what, 9k+ words so there’s literal hours of writing time in there. Takes a good while to read, too, but I’ll try and get part 2 read before too long.

No reason to feel such pressure. You might so far be the  lone reviewer here on AFF. In total I think the story has gathered feedback from about 8 persons, but a few has reviewed more than one chapter and most important my beta reader has reviewed every chapter.

You are right about it being 9k+ words...it is about 9300 words...if I make a guess that would mean it is a bit shorter than my average chapter...

 

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With the Mirror Came..

From JayDee on January 26, 2019

Chapter 2 – review contains spoilers.

Another fun part. As with Chapter 1, whenever Ronja is playing herself it comes across sexy as all hell. What feels like more sublte foreshadowing in there too - and less subtle, in Roy's case.

Looking at specific bits -

Heck of an awkward morning for poor Ronja; no clean dry panties and the worrying realisation she might have trance-ordered bondage gear. Still, we’ve all been there. Sounds like a fun batch of gear as well. Though short, the following masturbation scene with her oblivious to the webcam focussing in is pretty hot. It’s like the reader is drawn into the camera’s voyeurism.  But oh! She has new panties after all! Well, I suppose panty-flash fans may demand it. I’ve heard they’re an active bunch.

...oooh, unexpected shocks. Ouch! And yet another embarrassing situation with the handyman seeing her. Heh, those modified panties do sound like they have some potential though. And Maria sounds like she might have been overdoing things with her second hand sex toy.

The whole scene in the gymnasium, then the store room, is just about perfect. Loved the build up with her working out and getting hornier and hornier thanks to that accidental dose of aphrodisiac on her clothing, and then getting caught and photo’d and coerced into the 69 with the Asian assistant teacher. It’s just an incredibly hot scene, with Ronja not able to quite keep herself quiet as she comes and really getting into her first time with a woman (though I guess her first oral was Roy?)

One thing I would say though is that you might consider a trigger warning because of the elements that it implies she only agrees to the sex because the aphrodisiac is making her intoxicated, and the teacher has taken the obscene photos and basically says she has to have sex to stop them being spread. While this kind of content is a-ok in my book, it really can upset some readers if they come across it unexpectedly, especially if something similar has actually happened to them (with a different intoxicant to the fictional aphrodisiac.) This isn’t a criticism of the content! I liked it!

Heh, And I guess I see what you mean with the beast stuff being back in part 3, with Mark off to NYC to see the... uh, to hear about the sights.

"Sure, I can take care of him if you provide me with the right equipment," Ronja said.

Hey, I bet Roy’s got the right equipment all on his own, am I right? Red rocket blasting off again! Sorry, sorry. With all the hints there’s a good air of mystery around Maria’s night time escapades. Ronja thinks it’s the dildo, but it does keep the reader interested that it might be more.

The theory she has at the end that it might be John messing with her, well, it sounds logical, but it feels definitely that there’s something supernatural going on  - you’ve got the clues there for the reader – the weird fantasy of Maria masturbating with the dildo, the strange text again from the hospital, the fact that the fantasy correctly has Maria’s new hair like a remote view... yeah, I’m taking the something spooky going on.

Also, I laughed out loud both with Ronja being caught playing with herself in John’s room, and then him trying to catch her but failing because his hand is down his pants. It just struck me as incredibly funny!

I am looking forward to part 3!

Good point with the idea to have a trigger warning about her getting intoxicated...do you think I should invent my own story tag (since OTHER seem kind of pointless and none others match, the AFF story codes really take a dictionary to understand) or should I just add a line about it on the top of chapter?

Actually it could be worth mentioning that the intention for the scene is for it to be a case of blackmail  more than crazy powerful love drug. So far in the story the blackmailing situation is a returning plot element (guess who will be back for more) while the aphrodisiac will probably not see much use. I had some ideas of earlier, but found other things to interest me when I continued the story.

The double meaning of the right equipment was not intentional from the start. When possible I want the story scenes rooted in reality and quite obviously it is pain to have dog at home without supporting equipment. As an example you see quite much in porn that does not make sense from a realistic perspective with all the anal play without proper preparations. Unfortunately this seems to cause an infinite number of story scenes where it is clear from the plot they did not have time to prepare for the anal sex...quite disturbing for me when I read such. 

Glad you liked the scene in John’s room. I have great fun writing all the “fan-service” events with the step brother since it is fun to change the situation so it is the girl that push and push for sex instead of the guy. Of course it is not intentional from Ronja’s side, but how should  poor John know that. Eventually a horny young man is bound to see a pattern after a while and then the really fun part starts...

As for the matter of Ronja’s experiences in sex there are more detail in the third chapter, but you are right that she does not have lots of sexual experience when the story starts. Ronja’s envy of the popular girls in class in the beginning ofthe story is intended to place her as the kind of girl that long for sexual contact, but not really daring enough to act teasingly enough to catch attention. Then things start to happen and Ronja is forced to get used things she could not imagine before.

Edited by Thundercloud

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A line about it at the top of the chapter might be the way to go. If the intention is that she’s blackmailed into sex, well, you might need the rape tag since coerced sex isn’t consensual. If she really is forced into things later, well, it’s probably going to come up as a trigger for folks. Possibly worth asking one of the archive mods to read it over and see what they think! So far as she aphrodisiac heh, I think we’ve all been there where you have an idea to use and then other stuff that feels way better comes up and it can end up virtually forgotten.

I was just joking around about Roy’s equipment. Making a double entendre when it wasn’t actually there! Absolutely, looking after a dog you really need the dog leash, water bowl, food bowl, the right food to go in the bowl if the dog has specific dietry requirements, dog treats, bedding, the list goes on and on! Although as a working dog Roy ought to be pretty well behaved I imagine? I guess I’ll see in the following chapters.

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I added a line about the aphrodisiac at the top of chapter. I also added a couple of more story codes. I personally think rape for the blackmailing situation is a stretching things...on the other hand I do for a later chapter on another story archive have the story tag “Non consensual sex” and rape might be closet alternative among the AFF story codes so no harm in having that story code.

The other codes I added was 3Plus and Bi that might be minor aspects of the story considering all the kink in there, but somebody might have bad experience about such so why not add those story codes also.

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The Master Program

From InBrightestDay on January 28, 2019

I'd like to apologize in advance, as I won't be going into much detail about the story so as to avoid spoilers.

I really enjoyed this.  I saw from your profile that you're Swedish.  I'm guessing based on that that English is your second language, and there are parts of the story where that shows.  However, at no point was I unable to tell what was going on (which means your English is better than my Spanish), and like I said, this was still very fun to read.

While the sex was pretty hot, I think what really made me love this story was the way David acts.  I'm trying to avoid spoilers here, but stories where people receive the power that David is offered usually make me uncomfortable, since they call consent into question.  The way David handles it, however, is very sweet and shows how much he really does care about Amanda, and the ending was absolutely wonderful.

All in all, this was a lot of fun, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your stories!

Great that you liked the story. It is not like each review need to be certain length to valuable. It means a lot for me that you liked it.

English is indeed a second language for me, but some of the language mistakes can probably be attributed to lack of sleep. It is damn hard work to improve the language during later editing, but sometimes the alternative is not to write at all if I skip the late writing sessions.

Speaking of other of my stories…considering what you have written in other reviews there are some of stories you should stay clear of...for instance I really doubt you would like Tales of Deception that is brutal enough that I got actual flame from a reader that did not read the story codes. My story Carmen Elisa Need to Die is also not meant to be a feel good story, the lead character is not a nice person by any measurement. On the other hand I have written a number of stories where the heroes prevail in the end so if you are looking for stories with an upbeat ending there are worse authors. Feel free to drop me an PM if you hesitate about if reading any of my stories and need input on how to understand story codes (single scene or something recurring) and if the story ends upbeat or depressing. 

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39 minutes ago, Thundercloud said:

English is indeed a second language for me, but some of the language mistakes can probably be attributed to lack of sleep.

:yes: That very thing happened to me this morning.  I typed into the beginning of a chapter that the characters “are own by JayDee.”  That should, of course, have been “are owned by JayDee,” and my only defense is that I was just waking up when I typed it.  Anyway, I went back and fixed it.

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considering what you have written in other reviews there are some of stories you should stay clear of...for instance I really doubt you would like Tales of Deception that is brutal enough that I got actual flame from a reader that did not read the story codes.

Ouch!  Sorry about that.  I always consider it my fault if I skip the codes and then get upset.  I will definitely be sending you a PM about the story I’m interested in, though.

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22 hours ago, InBrightestDay said:

Ouch!  Sorry about that.  I always consider it my fault if I skip the codes and then get upset.  I will definitely be sending you a PM about the story I’m interested in, though.

It was actually rather funny situation. Tales of Deception is a tribute to another authors work and at the same week I got a “You nailed the tone perfectly” from the original author I also got the flame from a user accused me of subverting the characters I borrowed from the other story.

Thanks you for the PM. I hope you will enjoy the G.S.P. (revised) story. 

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With the Mirror Came..
From JayDee on January 30, 2019

Part 3 – Review  - a bit spoilery etc etc

The opening with the urban exploring – why it keeps going badly really makes sense later on in the chapter, initially it feels like maybe she’s just panicking and getting lost or mixed up, even with the laugh that could just be another homeless druggy. Going back and reading it again after the later reveals actually adds a bit more to it. I guess it looked a bit bleak for Ronja before Maria’s big damn heroes kick! That was kind of cool.

I liked how it set up the shower, the dildo talk, and then the hot screwing – it’s almost like they’d have gone for it even without the spell at that point. Ronja and Maria make a great horny couple. Just those two having sex in different ways and different places is pretty damn cool. I think the later outside sex scene was probably just slightly the hotter of the two – mostly because of Ronja doing her best to keep attention on her and hide Maria from the pervy Mikaela and her camera. It’s pretty hot that she’s putting on a show like that.

Then skipping back a little, Part 3 is when we get the reveal that it isn’t just hypnosis/computer hacking/John messing around. I see the name Tomas Andersson I wonder if he’s living in the mirror or in the matrix. Some of his abilities do kind of feel like someone hacking the matrix... No, joking aside I get that it’s just a common name – Ronja’s “That was a mundane name” helps with the context for sure. The guy’s a total dick. I kinda hope he gets his comeuppance one of these chapters! We’ll see, I guess.

On the other hand, some of the stuff he pulls is pretty funny  - playing the animal porn in the background on the phonecall for one, and messing with John by giving him a flash up Ronja’s skirt for another. Poor John – he’s got his spell to watch dildo fun and he keeps getting inadvertantly flashed by his step sister, but so far all he’s got is a calloused hand.

For the ending I’d normally be saying this was the hottest scene, but that outside Ronja/Maria one just pips it. That dirty mirror ghost with his bondage/hypno combination – I liked how Ronja decided she could just go ahead and enjoy it since she didn’t have the responsibility, and Roy seemed like he had a great time. Also “Ronja felt faint as she thought about the humiliation if her brother found her covered in dog cum and bondage gear,” is just a great line.

The beginning of the chapter is certainly bleak for Ronja...our talk about an earlier chapter also made me realize that this scene with Ronja, even though that Maria intervene before things get out of hand, might be a scene that uncomfortable for people who have experienced anything similar.

Great that you liked the outdoor scene, my earlier reference of the blackmailer coming back for more should have some context by now. The  relationship between Ronja and Maria is of great use to ground the story so that the more kinky bits mean something real for the characters.

As for the names it is meant as a bit of a joke. The name Andersson is used by like 2.7% percentage of Swedes compared to Smith that think is used by less than 1% of the Americans. When I saw the Matrix the first time I could not help laughing when I heard his name that sound so utterly mundane to a Swede.

The question if he will get is comeuppance is still undecided...but I think there is a certain inscription on the mirror that Ronja should have paid more attention to.

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16 hours ago, Thundercloud said:

The beginning of the chapter is certainly bleak for Ronja...our talk about an earlier chapter also made me realize that this scene with Ronja, even though that Maria intervene before things get out of hand, might be a scene that uncomfortable for people who have experienced anything similar.

Absolutely – I think you’ve probably got the right tag at the start now.

Given the mundanity of the name in Sweden I will do my very best not to crack Matrix jokes in the reviews of the remaining chapters. Unless they make me laugh when I think of them.

 

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G.S.P. (revised)

From InBrightestDay on February 01, 2019

So it took me a while but I finally got around to this!

Okay, first off, this made me laugh.

"Stop worrying, we will just run if the monster gets here.

This will end well.

Actually, it does end well, which kind of adds to the joke.

This was also really funny to me:

"Sorry, I should have paid more attention," Thundercloud screamed towards the com unit as he tried to figure out in which direction he was falling.

There's something so very superhero about saying "Oops!  My bad!" as you're punched through the air that I can't help but laugh.

We don't get to see much of the actual G.S.P. in this chapter, but the section with them is really just the prologue anyway, so presumably they'll pop up more in later chapters.  I did notice that the one we see the most of here is named Thundercloud.  Any relation to your pen name?

One thing I might criticize is that we don't really know much about what the monsters look like.  We know they have claws and an exoskeleton, but are they humanoid, insectoid or something else entirely?  I kind of assumed they were roughly human-shaped for this chapter, but I was curious.

Something I really like is the technique you used to introduce Jennifer.  We have this action scene with the monster smashing into a car, and it looks like this woman is just collateral damage...and then we are informed that she's the main character.  That's pretty cool.

The stuff at the hospital is simultaneously erotic and rather scary.  I actually thought at first that Jennifer was telepathic in addition to her healing ability, and that the whole Master/Slave thing was just her telepathy picking up on the creepy doctor and nurse, but it became clear over the course of the chapter that something else is going on.  I also like the mystery of who this woman really is, and that scene of her fighting her way out of the hospital was really fun.

All in all, I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter!

There is an obvious connection between the pen name and character, but unfortunately it is not more exciting than me needing a pen name when I started writing and the superheros code name fit my personality quite well so I just decided to use that.

The comment about the appearance of the monster is very on spot. It is intended to be armored being where you cannot tell what is inside the armor but I never really provided any visuals in the prologue. The  monsters that appear later in the story have better descriptions, but the one in the prologue could use some improvement.

As for the scene when Thundercloud is sent flying you are not the first one to react in exactly this way. The superhero that is so invulnerable that he lets himself be distracted by thoughts of sex while he is looking for super powered alien is meant to be funny and I think I succeeded. Upcoming chapters will give more details about the super heroes, but first they need to catch up with Jennifer that need to figure out who she is before she consider becoming a super heroine.

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With the Mirror Came.. Chapter 4

From JayDee on February 04, 2019

Chapter 4 review  WARNING CONTAINS SPOILERS.

Well, ended up being longer than expected to get to read this! That’s because the only day I wasn’t writing myself I was getting drunk because of what I had written.

Well, it certainly starts where it left off! I hope Roy has access to a lot of clean fresh water. The poor guy must be dehydrated! Ronja’s been getting fucked senseless all night, but seems to have enjoyed the experience which is pretty cool – it’s neither her fault nor Roy’s, so she got what she could out of it. Definitely feel  like seeing the ghost get his comeuppance though, he is such an asshole and easy to dislike! The way he’s messing with her clothes and shredding poor Maria’s skirt... I get being stuck in a mirror is boring, but what a dick! Of course, you need a bad guy like that to make this kind of story work which makes him perfect for it. Wouldn’t work with Ned Flanders.

Lol...Ned Flanders trapped in the mirror. I seriously cannot stop laughing. If I ever decide to do a parody of my own story that would be the way to go.

On a more serious note it is good that ghost comes across as evil. Basically there is meant to be no good redeeming qualites there, but just a very bored ghost that suddenly can take out all his built up anger on his poor innocent victim.

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Ronja’s humiliation when John comes in, and the description of what he’s seeing, especially all the cum over her pussy, is all very well written. With him up masturbating all night watching Maria, I guess Ronja’s lucky he’s too drained to try and take advantage – plus, he does seem like a more decent guy than the ghost. It feels like he’s not really taking the spell’s power seriously, even though he’s getting the visions, at least until the end of the chapter...

Also, wow, that hypnotic trigger to make her call Roy master – it’s a neat touch and suddenly there’s a bit of suspense as to what else triggers might make her say.

John is very much a decent guy that normally would never take advantage of his sister, but the ghost is working hard of convincing him that Ronja dig the thought to have sex with him. You can bet the ghost eventually succeed.

I am very proud of the master-trigger, and there will of course be plenty of hypnotic triggers coming up but that one is very nice.

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With the discussion about the clothes later –I like how the ghost’s got it all worked out – but it was quite funny how his main thoughts were around the videos he’s wanting Ronja to star in, and what makes the scenes more realistic. He’s like a repressed porn director or arthouse guy, it makes him seem a little bit nerdy although still sinister – after all extending financial control over Ronja is another nasty thing he’s got.

Getting Ronja to participate in her degradation is an obvious way for the ghost to progress things. The thought that only anonymous dudes on the internet will be customers is of course bound to be proven wrong, that chapter is not written yet but I so look forward to that scene.

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Another bit that struck me as amusing – Mikaela’s line about how Ronja’s style of dress will basically make it pointless to blackmail her. It’s got kind of an exasperated air to it. Yeah, she’s taking advantage too, but a threesome with her Ronja and Maria sounds hot, so with her being a blackmailer you can see why she goes for it – it fits the character you have established for her really well. That sneak shot of Ronja bending for the envelope was slyly done, too. She’s a heck of a professional pervert is Mikaela. While the ghost is pretty creepy, with Mikaela is more amusing despite the blackmail theme, because of how many times she’s taking advantage with pictures, and stuff like her being chased off by Roy earlier.

Having alternatives gives me as author more options. Basically the story contain enough material and kink for a number of separate stories,, but adding it together in the same story gives something that I hope is greater than the parts.

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The scene with Jonathan is really hot –how she has to keep her hands on the table, and answers that she’s been fantasising, but the best bit is when he makes her think there’s other students watching and she just can’t see them and it gets her off quicker. That kind of mind play is surprisingly hot. I really enjoyed it.

...and then at the end of the chapter John gets hit with the spell and suddenly he has a lot more understanding of what he’s been doing. Heh, Maria gets to believe too with that image of him dildo’ing himself. It’s a good scene at the end although the earlier one with Jonathan is the hottest in the chapter. I really liked that line "Maria, stop sucking if you hear me stop moaning," it’s great! Making sure he doesn’t get too selfish while getting blown by his stepsister’s girlfriend. It’s also funny how it goes from Ronja trying to bring up the idea of the threesome with Mikaela to actually having one with John.

All in all another quality chapter with a smoking hot hypno-sex scene.

Great that you liked hypno-sex scene.

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G.S.P. (Revised)

From InBrightestDay on February 07, 2019

Chapter 2

You were definitely right about the improved descriptions for the monsters in later chapters, with the C-class getting a nice detailed one very quickly.  I especially like the bit during the attack where the C-class reaches for Jennifer and you describe "Its painfully thin body leaning forward in a weird fluid motion".  There's something really creepy about unnatural movement, and I liked that you included that detail.

Good to hear that the chapter two already have improved descriptions. Honestly I was thinking on later chapters when I made my comment about better descriptions, I mostly recall the actual boss-fights so to say and not the smaller critters at the start of the story. Btw I plan to follow your suggestions and add a description for the prologue monster also, but I need to be in the proper mood first so it will most likely take a while.

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As for Jennifer's part of the story...

With a metallic click the handcuff locked around her arm. His hand continued to search her for weapons. His hand stayed longer on her breasts than was needed. Jennifer struggled to keep her face even.

God, this poor woman cannot catch a break.  I'm half convinced that in addition to rapid healing and the psionic shield, the worst luck in the world is one of her superpowers.  I mean, at the hospital, out of all the doctors and nurses she could get, she gets the ones who want to kidnap her and turn her into a sex slave.  Then, out of all the NYPD officers she could run into, she gets the one who wants to molest a suspect, and another one who's willing to ignore said molestation as long as it doesn't drown out the radio.  Then she gets the clothing store clerk who wants to perv on her while she changes, and then she gets picked up a creeper with some kind of strange mechanical device.

Honestly, Jennifer's string of bad luck would be hilarious if it weren't also frightening.  The creeper with the camera-like device is particularly alarming, and I am curious to see whether he represents the villainous group the G.S.P. is worried about.

*smiles* Yes it does indeed luck like she has terrible luck. It is not until the third chapter that both the reader and Jennifer start to get answers why Jennifer again and again ends in these kind of situations...of course the answer also open lots of more questions.

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I should also mention that I'm really enjoying the action scenes so far.  You have an impressive ability to describe choreography; it's almost like watching a movie.

Looking forward to the next chapter!

Thank you so much. I hope you will enjoy it.

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G.S.P. (revised)

From InBrightestDay on February 12, 2019

Chapter 3

Well, we learn a lot in this chapter!  First, we learn the source of the creepy voice in Jennifer's head (though she's significantly less creepy now than she was earlier with all the slave stuff) and possibly much, much more.  The demon warrior/hunter is pretty cool, and with the new knowledge Jennifer has a new superpower now: energy blades!

Yes, there is quite a lot revealed in this chapter but on the other hand you get none of the answers for the deeper questions about why Jennifer has been dragged into this situation.

Nice that you like Jennifer’s energy blades. I am pretty proud of my version of this classic theme with the twist that prolonged use will kill her. 

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The demon's influence might also explain Jennifer's horrible luck.  Perhaps the demon is subtly guiding her to people who will take advantage of her in order to feed on sexual energy.  Then again, the demon seemed surprised by what happened with the dominatrix, so maybe it's something else.

I don’t think I explain it in detail, or rather when I get into showing the answer to Jennifer’s bad luck there has been so many chapters  that there seemed to be little reason to explain something that have not mattered for so long in the story. If you keep reading you might eventually guess the intended answer even though Jennifer never makes the connection.

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The fact that someone else is summoning demons also might explain the monsters: the "aliens" might actually be bestial demons summoned by mistake.

Accidental summoning of demons...wouldn’t you say it sounds like lots of trouble.… :D

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Finally, we got to know Eagle a little this chapter and...to be perfectly honest, he's coming across as kind of a douche thus far.  First he watches the doctor violate an unconscious woman and does absolutely nothing other than think "well, that's unfortunate," and then he peeps on two people having sex.  The other G.S.P. heroes seem like good people, but I guess every team has that one member...

Yep, very true about every team having  such character....in this case he is team leader.

Edited by Thundercloud

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With the Mirror Came..

From JayDee on February 13, 2019

PART 5 review – CONTAINS Spoilers

Kind of a happier starting here to part 4, even if Ronja’s got her concerns over everything. I really like reading Ronja and Maria as a couple and you always seem to nail their sex with hot description. It’s also cool that with all the fucked up stuff happening to her Ronja’s finding she really loves Maria. That’s just sweet. Little things like her ‘shyly’ asking to cuddle, and later on ‘She wanted herself to be the nice girl that Maria thought her to be.’  Also, licking her stepbrother’s cum out of her girlfriend is a hot little kink. So, yeah, romance and hotness making a good combo in the opening.

Great that you like the relationship. It is always a blast to write their scenes.

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Jonathan’s still an asshole –even the ghost seems to have more sense and restraint – sure, we don’t know if he’ll stick to the deal but at least he made one over the Hypnoslut videos. Jonathan seems like he doesn’t have limits. Still, the whole hypnosis kink is pretty hot and as Ronja noted it only works because she fantasised about it, so, eh. Also, the way Ronja was excited to get some nice stockings. That was neat, and, as nasty as he is, giving her a compunction to lick her own buttplug (after washing it... ‘cos it isn’t that kind of story :p!) was an amazing idea – which I guess mean’s it is your amazing idea! Good job there.

Evil grin...Jonathan is very much given something to toy with that he cannot handle. Still imagine the rush if a gorgeous girl revealed she desired you and arranged for you to have full control of her every action, there would be plenty of people who would loose perspective in that situation.I am still considering what will happen when Jonathan finally screw up and reveal the kinky stuff he has been doing to his official girlfriend. That will be fun to write. Given that Ronja detest the girlfriend that dynamic has potential.

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The hypnotic mute trigger is another hot idea – when she comes and it makes her scream silently, that’s sexy as hell – the whole fuck scene there is great. As good as the last one. The way he leaves her at the end, cuffed, plugged and jizzed on – it’s all great stuff! More showing Jonathan as an asshole too, doing the things he doesn’t really understand and then Ronja can’t speak. I did start to wonder though – does he actually think it’s all non-consensual and he’s really forcing her with hypnotic triggers (so far as it isn’t her desire/fantasy making it work), or does he think she sent him the email of what she wants him to do, and she’s feigning reluctance and actually enthusiastically pretending the triggers are making her do things, basically that she’s sexually roleplaying a ‘hypnoslut’? If that’s the case and he thinks she’s consenting he’s much less of an asshole – basically another victim of the ghost. Just thinking about alternate character interpretation really.

Good question. Jonathan is not meant to be brightest one around, but given how got control of Ronja he have reason to believe he is acting out her desires. He believe Ronja actively arranged for him to get control of her and in chapter 4 he used the tell-the-truth trigger to ask her if wish him to take advantage of her sexually and basically get the reply that she desire it but that she want him to force her and not give her any choice about the matter. Not many guys that would keep perspective in that situation.

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I actually laughed at the ghost’s slight exasperation in wanting to do more recordings but he can’t due to the temporary muteness thing.

For the scene at the end – I like how John’s basically got this note and comes in to play the role Ronja supposedly wants him to play, double checks she’s into it, and then makes she gets a lot out of it too – while with Jonathan she kind of gets something out of it as a byproduct. Then he lets her out of the bondage afterward – I bet he’s finding the days when he didn’t keep finding his stepsister in heavy bondage an increasingly distant memory.

I hopefully will get onto part 6 a little quicker – I have been busy writing and re-writing myself, but this is a great fun story with lots of differing interesting elements and some great hot ideas. Still want to see the Ghost get beaten in the end.

Thank you for the great encouragement. I will keep your desire for the Ghost beaten in mind, but at a basic level the story is about corruption of Ronja and friends so a possible win at the end risk being very pyrrhic in style.

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