Guest All possible worlds

Review responses and open discussion for "I Summon the All-Seeing Eye" (Star vs. the Forces of Evil)

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Guest All possible worlds

I am going to use this thread to reply to reviews of the "I Summon the All-Seeing Eye" (Star vs. the Forces of Evil) fanfic, but I want to leave the first post for general guidelines and announcements:

  • First of all, while I wish people would leave a review on the fic itself first, please feel free to post any other comments, opinions and random thoughts relevant to the fic here. I explicitly encourage replies to my review replies to go on this thread.
  • If you have typos, plot holes, errors or confusing parts of the fic to report and do so here, I shall be forever in your debt :)
  • Plot suggestions and speculation are welcome, but I currently have plans up to at least chapter 5 of the fic and ideas for the overarching plot and themes beyond that.

Some teaser facts about the fic:

  • I am currently aiming to have it be compatible with the continuity of SvtFoE up to S02E20. Then I have to decide whether to split the timeline into an AU, have Star spend a chapter banging Ruberiot or Oskar on the rebound, or simply stop updating until season 3 comes out.  This, however, should not be a problem until chapter 5 or 6.
  • There is only one proper character left to introduce after the first two chapters and until chapter 5 or 6.
  • Other than the continuity thingy, your reviews fuel the speed at which a write. It is not even blackmail, that’s just how my motivation works ;)

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From Khorne117 on March 01, 2017
 

That was the best SVTFOE story i have read on this site hope you keep it going man

Flattery will get you everywhere! Chapter 02 is up since that review was posted and Chapter 03 is 95% done ;)

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From York on March 02, 2017
 

Continue 

Succinctness is clearly your virtue, and I shall not look at a gift horse in the mouth, but some specifics about what you liked (and didn’t!) would be great. Still, at least I know someone is reading :)

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From superlink on March 14, 2017
 

im loving this story so far and would love to see more of it,it would be awesome if you could have more hekka poo im a big fan of hers and there isn't enough of her around on the net unfortunately. also there were a few spelling errors here and there anyway keep up the great work im looking forward to more of this story.

Chapter 03 now has significantly more H-poo than originally envisioned, explicitly to cater to you (well, and because I love her too, even if this particular fic is not going to have her as a main character).

Maybe one day I’ll give you one different take on what happened during those 16 years… there is lot of material for Marcopo fics actually, one only needs to take up that challenge.

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By the way, superlink, if you see this and have the chance, please let me know which spelling errors you found and I’ll fix them. I just fixed a few I myself found on Chapter 2 just now. Pretty sure Chapter 3 will introduce a few dozen fresh ones, though…

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From GeorgeGlass on March 23, 2017

Just finished chapter 1 -- a promising start.

Glad you, specifically, liked it! Also, thanks for the very in-depth review, much appreciated. Looking forward to hearing your honest opinion on the next two chapters, and those to come, when you feel like it. I will probably go back and rewrite some parts when I reach the end of my first planned "plot arc", so feel free to mention parts of scenes you don't like as well (obviously I can't promise I will agree, but I'll definitely give those parts some thought).

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I like the onslaught of emotions that Star feels as she watches Jackie, from admiration to jealousy to attraction and back again.

Star's conflicted inner monologue is my favorite thing about this whole scenario, glad it surfaces through when reading. She is not getting a break from the emotional roller-coaster any time soon, either.

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I was a tad surprised that Jackie didn't take offense at Marco's "Do you do this often?" question, but on reflection, Jackie IS fairly unflappable. And Marco's stammering response to Jackie's version of the question was hilarious and a perfectly in character.

This was supposed to be a foot-in-mouth moment for Marco, and honestly, after "Naysayer", I don't think there is much Marco could say to Jackie that would shock her or piss her off. Maybe I should have Marco realize what he just said and have him stammer a bit more even before Jackie’s reply, actually (just edited in a version of this thought, but will re-read it tomorrow and see if there is a better way). But Jackie herself is not gonna let that bother her, she knows Marco well enough to not take his ramblings as an insult.

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The bit about Marco using Star's bras to practice unhooking one shocked me a bit, chiefly because I thought Marco's boundaries were better than that, but on the other hand, it was cool to see that the bad-boundary problem isn't Star's alone.

Heh, honestly, I had my doubts about that part too. But I needed an explanation for him knowing how to unhook Jackie's bra that was both plausible and embarrassing, and, as you said, they both have boundary issues. Remember, Marco once tried to read her diary, and another time he followed her on a date in disguise. His respect for boundaries is shaky in cannon too, just not compared to how far it goes the other way around ;)

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And the part right after that, where Star says that no teenager has the right to be as cool as Jackie is being during her first time, was absolute gold (because it's exactly what I was thinking, too).

Shameless lampshade-hanging. Also, Jackie *is* too cool for a 14 year old in the show itself. Don't worry, she will get to have character flaws in this story, just not many yet (I don't think she has any major ones in cannon, but much less time has been devoted to her than the main two, and there we are mostly seeing her through Marco's eyes, so...)

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As for the sexy bits, Jackie telling Marco exactly what she was going to do with him was especially hot -- and probably compliant with California's "Yes Means Yes" law. :)

Consent *is* sexy :) Although, this being a fic, it might get a bit murkier than *that* down the line (nothing drastic, just, equivalent to the level of murkiness of what Star does in this Chapter, or a small bit past that depending on how you feel about the next two). For now, I wanted Jackie and Marco to be as caring for each other as possible and able to have some humorous banter while at it, all while still being horny relatively-inexperienced teenagers.

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And for whatever reason, I just loved Star yelling "Just fuck already!" And the ending was great: Not only was Star's vicarious-sex experience sexily creative, but I liked the fact that it showed us where she draws the line in her voyeurism.

Star Butterfly: 1 part bad-boundaries, 1 part impulsive decisions, 3 parts actual love and respect for her friend. The question is, will her horniness get the better of her to where she crosses her own lines? Read more to find out ;)

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I did notice several errors that spellcheck can't catch (eg, shinning for shining, relieve for re-live, jealously for jealousy) and some phrases with extra or missing words (eg, "messed everything again," “a lot a more composure”). (If you want, PM me and I'll give you a complete list.) But these didn't get too much in the way of the fun.

PM Sent! Thanks so much for taking note of those. I'd make some lame excuse about it not being my native language, but I have been chiefly living in the anglosphere for more than five years already, and writing in English online for longer than that... I just suck at spelling, ;) … at least you didn’t get the version that had “hearth” everywhere instead of “heart”

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I'm glad I saw your review response thread on the AFF forums and learned of this story's existence. Looking foward to reading on!

Looking forward to your reviews. And also to Chapter 12 of Star's Crossed Lovers! (*in Marco's 'don't go' whisper tone* "...don't make it the last Chapter")

Edited by All possible worlds

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From superlink on March 24, 2017
 

another great chapter im loving how the story is coming together.also there were a few spelling errors here and there anyway keep up the great work

[I believe this one was on Chapter 03] Glad you are still enjoying it, and hope the spelling errors don’t ruin it for you :) Anything you send my way in that regard, I’ll try to fix. If you are in it for the plot, hopefully you like Chapter 04! If you are in it for the smut, then stick around for Chapter 5 (and it will have plot too, of course).

Edited by All possible worlds

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From thatguywiththeface on April 10, 2017
 

This is amazing. I love how you fit everything around the events of the episodes. I hope that keeps up for Face the music and Starcrushed. Everyone feels in charcter. On that note, Tom's an asshole. He is just the worst and I love it.  

Thank you for the praise, glad you enjoyed it so far! As for fitting the plot of the two part finale, well… I think at this point it is pretty clear I have to diverge from the main timeline before the end of Starcrushed, at least if I want to continue this for long. That’s all I can say for now, but hopefully you won’t be too disappointed! :)

“Tom’s an asshole” is the unofficial subtitle of Chapter 05. I mean, he is not, you know (capital E) *Evil*. He is a jerk with a heart of… like… rusty copper or something like that ;)

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From GeorgeGlass on April 24, 2017
 

Chapter 2:

I like the idea of Star wanting to be punished; it seemed in character for her. But I also was pleased that Star didn't fall for Tom's attempt to seduce her in a moment of weakness.

Star taking impulsive bad decisions and then feeling like shit about them is a recurring pattern in this fic, and of course if she is going to seek something from Tom is punishment (and comfort/absolution). I sometimes worry I am making the normally very happy-go-lucky Star too angsty here, but, honestly, she was pretty angsty during the particular Season 2 arc I am basing all of this on, so…

 

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I had never considered the potential erotic applications of Hekapoo's self-duplicating ability, so I enjoyed her one-woman foursome with Marco -- and that she could do it while yet another copy was speaking with Star. (In that scene, I also liked Star’s little joke to herself about “arose.”)

I considered having even more Hekapoos, but it did not seem anatomically feasible… Food for thought: if she does the same trick by herself, is it an orgy or just masturbation? (Hekapoo’s sex life, like Moon’s, is probably something Star should not think too hard about)

 

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I did notice some language problems; I'll PM you about those.

I am forever in your debt!

 

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Also, the use of “I mean” outside of dialogue was confusing and, thus, distracting, because the reader doesn't know who is speaking.

I see what you mean. That is there as part of a series of “verbal ticks” that try to be particular to the POV character (e.g. Star for the first three chapters). But I also realize I am using the third person for every pronoun except the “I” in “I mean”. Not sure “She meant” works there, might just have to remove those altogether. Will review this with the other language/spelling errors when I get them. Thanks!

 

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Nonethless, I will enjoy reading on.

Glad to hear! Hopefully the spelling errors don’t ruin things too much for you, and hopefully you like the plot when it starts picking up!

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From GeorgeGlass on May 14, 2017

Some comments on chapter 3 (spoilers below):
-I noticed some language issues; will PM you about those.

Thanks once more for this! I have (finally) had a chance to edit that Chapter and incorporate the corrections (as well as those you sent for Chapter 4!). In fact, I am re-reading the whole thing to get me back up to speed with the details of my own plot for Chapter 9. Sorry for the long absence!

 

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-Nice use of the phrase “reckless and irresponsible” early in the chapter to evoke the very first episode of the show.

I kinda love taking phrases from the show and re-using them as callbacks :). In fact, I have three Chapters planned already where the titles are nothing but that sort of thing, since at some point I ran out of punny titles while outlining.

 

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-I enjoyed the way that Star and Marco beat around the bush when Marco talks about his dreams, so that it takes a while to get the answer to Star's real question: whether Marco ever has sex dreams about her.

Well, originally I wasn't sure of the answer myself... but is better this way, in the long run. Good that their (relative) awkwardness here is enjoyable.

 

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-I LOLed when Heakpoo showed up and summoned the big bucket of popcorn.

Glad you enjoyed it. Something told me that being discreet about it wasn't going to be Hekapoo's thing...

 

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-Good twist having it be Star’s dream instead of Marco's. (Or maybe a shared dream with Marco? I suppose we'll find out.)

Well, note that they both *remember* the dream, as does Hekapoo. The thing is, neither knows the other remembers too. So they both think it was (only?) their dream.

 

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-I'm intrigued by Jackie's musings at the end about Marco and Star, and what's behind those feelings (particularly given Jackie's confirmation in that same scene that she's not into girls). I have to wonder whether this might result in a happy ending for all parties.

Does it present a possible solution? I daresay it does (read on to find out more ;) ). Is it going to automatically be a happy ending? Well...

 

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From GeorgeGlass on June 10, 2017

Chapter 4 may not have been porny, but it certainly was interesting, not least because it is more integrated with an episode of the show than any of the previous chapters. Some additional thoughts:

I honestly loved doing that "episode from a different POV" bit. Might do the same for another episode in a yet to be written chapter, but I am still not sure (as in: I am sure I'll incorporate plot points from that episode, but not sure I'll do it this exact same way).

 

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—I liked Star’s little argument with herself about how to act around Marco when he came back the next morning.

Yup. For someone that impulsive, a lot seems to go on between her ears, does it not? ;)

 

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—The mention of Janna's pink bed sheets was gratifying, given the girl's secret fondness for pink.

I originally decided she had to have something pink, something bondage-y and something stolen from Marco, and went from there.

 

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—The revelation about Ferguson’s secret love of furry porn puts his desire to be the school mascot in a whole new perspective.

Well, that episode is where I got the idea for that in the first place. Ferguson's fursona is the Awesome Opossum, and no power on Earth will compel me to write any more about that particular topic…

 

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—The big one: One of the signs of a good writer is the ability to subtly get you thinking in a certain direction and then, while you're still thinking, take you in that direction. Star’s thought at the end that it would be less painful to see Marco kiss Jackie if Marco had meant to hurt her, about how much easier it would be to deal with if Marco were an asshole, had me thinking, “Oh man, this would sure be a bad time for Tom—asshole extraordinaire—to show up.” And then bam, there Tom was. Well played, sir.

:D!! Glad the Tom entrance was so well received, hopefully his role in next chapter sticks the landing just as well.

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My comments on chapter 5 (SPOILERS below):
-Some of Star’s dialogue with Tom seems a little stilted, like when she says, “Maybe I am indeed a bad person.” IMO, that doesn't quite sound like her.

Well, Star is supposed to sound not like herself in the first scene of this chapter. She is hurt, somewhat in shock, and altogether in a pretty dark place. Not least of it because she hates the way she feels and blames herself for feeling that way. It is sort of relevant to the scene, since in her normal frame of mind she would not be able to wield the kind of dark magic she unleashed on Tom. I don't think I spoil anything if I say that will be touched on again at some point ;) That said, I wonder if there is something I could change to make it clear that Star is truly supposed to be out of her normal emotional range here, on purpose... or if I went so far overboard that even an "out of it" Star would not speak like that.

 

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-It's nice to see a different, non-asshole-ish side of Tom. (And you gave him a last name!) But I should have known he'd return to his seductive ways before long.

Heh, I didn't name him. His last name is cannon from 'Star and Marco's Guide to Mastering Every Dimension'.

As for his non-assholish-ness. Well, Tom is definitely a pretty big jerk, as the ending of the chapter proves, but he is not without a good side. Just imagine how bad the average jerky guy you know would be if he had: the anger issues that come with being a fire demon, the entitlement that comes with being royalty, and the social skills that come with not having a single real friend before Star. Plus, you know, growing up in Hell must do a number on your personal values. The weird thing with Tom is that I have been accused of making him too much of an asshole, not enough of asshole, too broody, not broody enough... etc. He is a complex character in cannon, that’s for sure.

 

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-I liked your description of Tom's eyes as “opaque windows to an inscrutable soul.”

Thanks! He is, well, a demon. By nature, there is an unearthliness to him, independent of his behaviour or feelings. We are also going to see a lot more of that, by the way :)

 

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-I also liked Tom's line, “I don't need you to love me, or even to like me, just to want me.” It suggests that Tom knows what is a realistic hope and what isn't. (And yet even that hope is dashed, and it is gratifying to see that he feels genuine pain when it happens.)

Well, yeah, he is not an idiot. Still, he miscalculated even then. He got hurt by Star, he hurt Star, Marco hurt Jackie, and likely Marco hurt himself too. This chapter is fun like that! :P

 

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-The way that Star cycles through roles and partners in her mind while she's having sex with Tom is interesting, not least because it makes me even more curious about what Star really desires in her heart of hearts.

There is more to it than Star being indecisive... but I do enjoy how her emotions and sensations get jumbled right before it all comes crashing down.

 

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-The ending seems abrupt. Marco shouting Star's name when he is with Jackie seems like too big a revelation to have so little lead-in. It would have been interesting to see what was going on in Marco's mind in the moments leading up to that one.

All in good time. Again, there is more to it than Marco just changing his mind. We don’t get a Marco POV for a while...

 

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In any case, looking forward to the next chapter.

Glad to hear!

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From amdrag on June 26, 2017
 

I wanted to say that I really like the direction you've taken the main relationship. It doesn't just feel like a setup for a bunch of porn scenes; it feels at least somewhat realistic. The doubts and insecurities of all three characters have a bit of weight to them, which makes how they're going to deal with things in the future all the more intriguing.

I'm looking forward to more of your stories.

Thanks! This review made me really happy! Because this is one of the main things I am aiming for!

*Chapter 9 Spoilers below*

As someone who has had a similar sort of relationship before, I wanted to portray a main poly relationship where: a) the whole relationship doesn't come out of nowhere as a plot twist, b) doesn't magically solve all issues between the characters, and c) doesn't include characters suddenly coming out as bi and attracted to the other two just for the sake of completing the perfect triangle. I see that kind of thing all the time in porn fics, and honestly, sure, it is hot and I don't really mind it too much in the context of a short erotic fic, but it leaves me cold as far as the plot part of a long story.

So, I tried to do things differently here: a) the fact that Jackie is poly/poly-curious is hinted at very early in the story, so is not a full on plot twist coming out of nowhere, even if I did try to milk the misunderstandings there for all they are worth, b) it solves some problems and creates others, doesn't magically make Star less jealous, Marco less insecure or Jackie feel less weird about herself, c) Star and Jackie are both mostly-to-completely straight.

There are definitely things I know I am not being realistic about. Either because the setting is high fantasy, or because is porn and all the characters are unreasonably bold and horny. But getting the main relationship right was the whole point of Part I, ever since I realized it wouldn't be a one-shot story about Star being a magical voyeur!

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From TanisMC on September 12, 2017
 

I have really enjoyed the story.  I can't wait until the next chapter comes out.  I spent all of my free time reading the last couple of days. The sex is good but the plot is great.  Thanks for the story and please keep writing. :)

Glad to hear! There you go, two new chapters, just for asking nicely ;)

Ok, confession time: I had mistakenly allowed this version of the fic to lag behind another version posted elsewhere, partly due to seeing little activity on it on this site, and partly because I feel it has slowly moved away from being a true work of erotic fanfiction, into a fanfiction that just happens to have a lot of explicit scenes. Seeing your comment pushed me to update it here as well, sooner rather than later, and I solemnly promise I shall keep the two versions in sync, at least for the reminder of Part II (and post a at least a link to Part III as *that* comes out). Apologies for the outdated fic, but hey, it means there are now two “published” chapters you haven’t yet read! Glad you are enjoying the plot, even as the porn proper takes the backseat somewhat.

Edited by All possible worlds

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Guest ArcDragoon

I do hope that you continue to update here.  As much as I could probably love without the explicit scenes, unfortunately I feel like they have to be in it. The way that your explicit scenes are written, it is character development; and as much as you could probably do it some other way, I don't think it would be as fun. I love the plot, I really do, but the explicit scenes are appreciated since it isn't just smut for smut sakes. There is a purpose to your writing and I do hope you keep it up. As proof that you don't just write it as smut, you did give us the implications between Queen Moon and Hekapoo without showing us it. Which I appreciate, it let's the readers know who's actually the main characters of the written piece and since there will be little to any character development for the adults between the sheets I'm glad you left it out as unnecessary. 

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Heh, funny thing to comment, given what is on Chapter 15 (and, as promised, updated here within 5 min of any other version online). But hopefully you agree this is still an instance where the sex does serve the plot somewhat. 

Either way, my main point is that you are right to some extent, which is why there isn’t a PG-rated version IStASE anywhere online. The other version is word for word identical with the one on this site, not counting the author notes (also, note that this is why a FF.net version is unlikely). The fic going forward will also continue to have explicit scenes (there should be one more in Part III, not counting the one in Ch15). Is just that as it goes on, the explicit scenes are being de-emphasized. If you go back to Part I, there are plenty of chapters where the sex scene is, lets say, the center-piece of the chapter, and there is one such scene in almost every chapter whether central or not. In Part II there are less explicit scenes and I only think there is one chapter so far where you can really consider the sex scene to be a candidate for the chapter’s “main” scene (it is certainly not chapter 15, in fact the “non-explicit” romance scenes near the end are more important, as are a few of the fight scenes). For Part III, I have only one explicit scene already in mind. There will likely be more than one, but for reference, when I was planning Part II, I knew way in advance it would have at least 3 explicit scenes, the final version will have 4 (vs 9 such scenes in as many chapters for Part I).

I am not de-emphasizing the sex scenes out of any dislike for them, I like them plenty, and will continue to include them when they fit the story, as I hope they often do. I just feel I somehow meandered away from “this is an erotic fic” into “this is a fic with erotica”. If most readers on this site are fine with finding a “porn fic” that suddenly transitions into being a fic that happens to have sex scenes sprinkled every few chapters, then I am happy to keep updating here as well :P

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Guest Lord of Pancakes

I just finished reading your story so far (Chapter 25) and I absolutely love it! I really hope you continue.

I don't really have any feedback other than: PLEASE DO A JACKIE, STAR AND MARCO THREESOME!!

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On 8/10/2018 at 5:29 AM, Guest Lord of Pancakes said:

I just finished reading your story so far (Chapter 25) and I absolutely love it! I really hope you continue.

I don't really have any feedback other than: PLEASE DO A JACKIE, STAR AND MARCO THREESOME!!

Glad you like it! It rarely gets a response on this site anymore. Two bad news and two good news, though, milord.

The first bad news is that I often fail at updating the AFF version of this fic, compared to the AO3 version. Sorry about that.

The first good news is that your comment prompted me to update here, and now there are 5 more chapters for you to read, with both versions ending Part III at Chapter 30!

The second bad news is that, out of those five new chapters, only one includes any actual porn :rolleyes: (that’s part of the reason I don’t update it here that often, it is a very rarely pornish porn fic at this point...)

The second good news is… well, you’ll see ;)

Edited by All possible worlds

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Hey, APW. I wanted to apologize for my long radio silence regarding this fic. The truth is, while I liked the novelty of a story that works in tandem with the episodes, I ultimately like a story to have a plot arc, and a story that is at the whims of what happens week by week in canon can’t have that. But I’m glad some folks are enjoying it. 

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Hey George,

Glad to read you! Hope all is well!

No apology needed! Nor any justification, really. I actually owe you a few comments on Multiversity too (I didn't drop it for any particular reason or anything, I just sort of fell behind on it due to other stuff...)

On the other hand, the irony is that I Summon the All-Seeing Eye has very much departed from canon quite dramatically since either Chapters 6-7 or Chapter 13 (depending on what you count as "departing" from canon), and it has an ongoing Season 3-incompatible plot, which the first few chapters got edited to properly foreshadow. The current chapters are super plot heavy. Which ironically makes it maybe less of a good fit for AFF (of the last 5 chapters, only one qualifies as proper erotica :rolleyes:).

Sorry, I am mostly rambling above, not trying to say you should read it if it wasn't otherwise holding your attention. I did always enjoy your comments on it, but I honestly prefer radio silence than you feeling that you are reading it out of any sort of obligation.

That said, in case I can manage to tempt you, without giving any real spoilers, this is what IStASE looks like around the end of Part III :whistle::

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Tom announced that this was the last dimension before reaching Hekapoo's domain.

Jackie's educated guess was that no-staircase meant a lateral move to another hellish dimension, and going upwards meant going back to the world of the living. A theory that seemed to hold as Marco performed his finding ritual again, at Tom's request, and it guided them all towards one of the stair-connected doorways.

It was barely wide enough for their winged horses to go through.

"Everyone, dismount after you are on the stairs, I'll stop the spell then," Star shouted as she made it through. Her horse vanishing as soon as it landed on the steps behind the door. The princess simply jumped down on the stairway as this happened.

"Man, Star." Marco was the second to land. "Are you sure we can't fly up the stairs too? They look really long."

"Oh, they are excruciatingly long," Tom offered helpfully. "But, like I was saying, if we fly too far away from the steps, they will vanish, and we will have to start over again. You really need to walk them all. There is no other way."

"This really is hell," Marco complained, overly dramatically. Star and Tom laughed, as did Jackie once she caught up to them.

"Come on dude, a little exercise never killed anyone," she pointed out.

 

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