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Pippychick Original Fiction Review Responses

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To BronxWench on Fun in the Lower Dales:

Thank you! I am so glad you liked it :)

I’m also glad I got the ending right then, because I was afraid it might seem rushed, but I didn’t want to drag it out and lose the impact.


To Melrick on Fun in the Lower Dales:

Hello, and thank you! :) Your prompts were great and the story just materialised around them. I’m glad you enjoyed reading my interpretation.

Well Dressing is real, practiced mostly in Derbyshire, though I have taken some small liberties, since the floral displays are a lot more intricate and professional than I have described here.

Edited by dafdes

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For "Full House"

BronxWench 2014-03-28 id # 3000217333 Short, sweet, and sharp as a knife's edge. Lovely use of the prompt words, and quite chilling for a mere one hundred words.

Thank you for sharing that! :D

Thank you! :) I really wasn't expecting any comments on something that's just one hundred words. I'm glad that at least a little horror was present in it regardless of the word count. :D

Melrick 2014-03-29 id # 3000217347 Normally I'm not too much of a fan of drabbles and the like, but I actually quite enjoyed that. A very good use of the prompts in such a short space. Nicely done!

Thank you, Melrick! I'm glad I could please you then. :) I'll probably write longer things in future. It's so difficult to fit anything rounded into the word limit for a drabble.

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From BronxWench on 'The New Cut'

Oh, this is a deliciously chilling little tale, and you kept me on the edge of my seat until the very end. The use of the prompts was deft enough that I had to actually look for them, so seamlessly did you weave them in.Just lovely! :D

Thank you! :) I've got to admit, something about this one bothered me, and after a week I still couldn't put my finger on it so I gave in. But, everyone seems to like it, so maybe I'm just imagining things.

Eventually, I might write something that isn't centred on a pub... ;)

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Melrick 2014-05-09 id # 3000043320 I like a good ghost story! I haven't really written one - not like that - but I want to. Good job, and good use of the prompts; I had to remind myself what the prompts were, which means they were integrated into the story very effectively.

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it too, Melrick. I thought the prompts were blindingly obvious, but they were fun to work with. :)

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...Eight, Nine, Ten

Gslinger 2015-01-27 id # 3000224485 Clever but a sad story... along with life and a sense of self they should have given him a programed identity. It's even sadder because Artificial Intelligence will be true some day. Hopefully these creators will give these entities a reason and a purpose to live! G

Thank you for your comments :)

I think when true AI comes along, we'll have some tough questions to answer on what it means to be human.

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BronxWench 2015-05-15 id # 3000227037 What a haunting and evocative story you've given us in this gem. There is such a tremendous vulnerability about him, and I was so eager to see what he would find out about himself. I was not expecting the ending at all, but somehow, it was just right, an entirely fitting response to his situation, and one I understand.

You've really crafted a perfect tale, and I'm so glad you shared this with us!

Thank you so much, Bronx! :)

I'm so glad the ending was a surprise. I thought I had been horribly heavy-handed and obvious.

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Tahn has been reading parts of my back catalogue. So, here goes:

Wow. The way you don't mention the guitar was powerful. Touching piece that made me sad. Very well done.


Thank you :) I loved writing this. It felt sad, but sensual.

Whoa, ok, that was some trippy shit. Well done. I like how it looped back around.


Thank you again! Yes, it's a bit strange that one.

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Reviews for ...Eight, Nine, Ten

BY : pippychick


  • From CloverReef on October 04, 2016
     

    Wow, so dark. This was an amazing short story. Your writing style is very poetic without being overwhelming. Your sentences are crisp and clear, and yet so complex in a pleasantly artistic way. They're varied too, which is awesome. You don't suffer from any of my major writing pet peeves. So in all, colour me impressed! 

    I was a little unsure going into this, because I don't normally read things without a little m/m anymore, but this really took me by surprise. Especially the end [I won't elaborate and spoil anything for people about to read it]. It was just beautiful and so friggin sad! 

    ~Clover

 

 

Thank you so much, Clover! :)

Wow… such compliments! *blushes* I don’t know what to say, except that I’m glad you enjoyed it, despite the lack of slashy goodness.

The Harry Potter one I wrote is in a similar vein to this, but a little more atmospheric. It’s not set in the world of HP, butthe world outside it, and it too deals with AI.

That too is sad. I suppose it’s something about AI that bothers me. It’s the other side of the coin from cognitive psychology. Know one, know the other. But what are we without our lifetime of experiences, without our formative years? Lonely, I think. If you take those things away, we don’t even have ourselves for company.

Thank you again!

 

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Reviews for ...Eight, Nine, Ten

BY : pippychick


From tcr on January 25, 2017
 

I’ve been trying to write something fresh and new, but it seems like every time I go to write something, it’s something that’s been said already, so, here goes...

Your style of writing is excellent.  It’s poetic, yet concise.  The varied sentences keep the interest of the reader and continue to keep things interesting.  This adds to the sadness at the end. 

I enjoyed the way you wrote your MC.  Starting him out as you did, it was a journey along the way, so it was sadder for the ending, after all this struggle.  Actually, in this way, it reminds me a little of Blade Runner...

In short...  Enjoyed this one, now to read your others.

 

Thank you so much, tcr! :)

I’m glad you liked it, even though I still feel my original work lacks some sparkle compared to my fanfiction.

The ending is sad, but to me inevitable. As we develop AI, we really should be considering the psychology involved, not just for ourselves, but for the machine, whether it ends up making use of an artificial neural network or something else. And of course one thing this story does is prove Turing right – any true AI must be a child machine, capable not just of learning, but of wonder and curiosity. It must have a natural inclination to imitate. It must grow up and mature…

At which point it will have surpassed most of humanity.

 

 

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Reviews for Full House

BY : pippychick


  • From JayDee on September 09, 2018
     

    I skipped back to what seemed to be the oldest non-locked prompt thread and saw this entry. This one lives up to your dark and disturbing profile warning for 100 words. A ray of light though for good old Redding, maybe, but still horrific.

Thank you so much, JayDee! :)

I remember writing this, and I really wanted to add description and atmosphere, but the word cound wouldn’t permit it. It was definitely good practice, though, and I’m glad I came out with something that works.

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Reviews for Fun in the Lower Dales

BY : pippychick


  • From JayDee on March 02, 2019
     

    WARNING –Review may contain spoilers. So scroll past. Real fast.

     

    The ending! Absolutely subverted expectations. It was literally a “Holy shit!” because I didn’t see it at all. Obviously I assumed he was doomed from the moment he ordered carling in a real ale pub. I also had a great sense of awkwardness and embarrassment as they’re winching out.

    Lordale might be fictional, but it absolutely captures a specific type of place – spot on in the pub atmosphere, and the friendly villagers –I understand there’s quite a few places where, if the old traditions didn’t entirely continue, they’ve certainly been revived. Definitely a few parish border walks going on, for example.

    The argument at the start and the reconciliation really rang true as well. Navigation can be so damn stressful, but those kind of arguments don’t harm a strong relationship.

    That slightly awkward moment for Simon where it looked like he was being clingy/jealous over the landlord talking to her felt pretty real as well – but at least he had the self-awareness!

    Both bouts of sex were hot – that little detail ‘she was always hot for it when she was tipsy.’ And just two people who know each others bodies enjoying each other.  Noticed appears to be a missing word “so he could his cock back into the grip” – if it helps!

    I guess the mystery is the scrap of obituary – genuinely just a coincidental bit of drawer liner? I guess him not having any brothers, and the fact there’s not even a name, is the big hint there that he’s just making something of nothing with the date.

Yay – thank you so much @JayDee – this has really made my day :wub:  

I’m glad it came across as authentic. I really don’t have much confidence in my original work, because to me it seems to lack some kind of sparkle. I’m slowly coming around to the thought that the sparkle I’m missing is the conscious echo of canon that’s involved in fanfic, and I should get over it. Reviews like this really help. :)

I’m really happy the punchline works too. It’s going back a bit, but while writing I was putting the clues in, and thinking: am I being too obvious here?

Not sure about the rest of the country, but there are well dressings at places like Hope and Eyam, and I don’t think they ever really stopped, just that people lost interest until relatively recently. It does seem to have been co-opted by Christianity, though, which has  probably helped keep it alive to be fair.

Thanks for telling me about the typo too – I’m off to fix it now!

 

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Some places kept the old stuff going all through – there’s one place been doing a creepy-as-fuck hobby horse thing for centuries – but half the time you find yourself in some tiny village where they’re talking about the ancient tradition only to follow with “...and some pissartist hippies started it again in ‘78, and we kept it going because it’s an excuse to dress up and get shitfaced.”

It definitely worked. As in “Punch the air, holy fuck, that’s great!” worked.  

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Reviews for The Pollution of George Farrow

BY : pippychick


From JayDee on March 04, 2019
 

SPOILERS. PROBABLY. TL:DR  - Enjoy the story for psychological horror and tragedy!

Thanks for taking my randomly thrown out idea and writing a story from it. It is, and I say this as a compliment, pretty fucked up. I can see how it wouldn’t be everybody’s cup of brackish water, but it certainly isn’t boring. It builds at just the right place without any real sense of threat at first, like his odd sensation is just an old man being annoyed, before getting bleaker and bleaker until that long-term ending.

Taking it from a river spirit to being an actual ancient all-water elemental really made it into a serious threat – that bit where he’s asking ‘why me’ and all it says is why not you first? It’s like the rest of us are boned too – after all, as the other deaths show.

When the greyhound racing was introduced at the start, and the mention of him having the money making idea, my expectation was he’d be one of those assholes who treats greyhounds like shit and then dumps them when he’s done with them, but George’s relationship with the dogs came over a lot more than that – little things like keeping them at home, and spending leisure time with them, and his genuinely tragic reactions both to the phone call and then after the x-ray. I really felt all that, and his realisation how much he’d valued them. Got to me that all did.

Ok, so you didn’t have gobs of gore you wanted, but the description of his leaves filled wound which kept re-appearing definitely has an element of that, made me cringe thinking about that one- even more than passing pebbles and silt!

The section towards the end, starting You won’t die Look... and ending with it repeating Pretty... is some especially  amazing writing, it covers the whole scale of the thing, and George’s realisations, and that plea for forgiveness that goes ignored...

I think the biggest psychological cruelty was where it made him think it was all a dream, and Liz was still alive, and Coll at home... and then letting him think he was succeeding at ending it only to be a dream referenced at the end.

You did a great job with a tossed out throwaway prompt than I ever expected anybody to bother with. I hope others give it a try and end up feeling as unsettled as I do right now. Thank you!

Thank you so much, Jaydee :wub:

I really didn’t expect to get an in-depth review like this, and you’ve made me very happy. :)

As I said in the author’s note, I really didn’t like George at first. I think in some ways this is why it took so long to finish this. I kept wanting to bash him for lots of things (for instance, I’m pretty sure he reads the Daily Fail), and then I had to calm down and think: yeah, but it’s his point of view, so just stop it.

I also had the ending almost from the start (the “pretty” bit), and I really liked that, so I had to try to make the journey there and get it to work somehow. I’m glad that it does work a bit, even if I couldn’t write all the gory bits. Maybe I’ll leave that to the Master… :worship:

Thank you for letting me use your idea! You’re awesome!

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Reviews for The Pollution of George Farrow

BY : pippychick


From InBrightestDay on March 09, 2019
 

Well, JayDee lured me back to the site with a new chapter of Fate of a Fagottist, so I might as well get this review written as well!

I really enjoyed this one, and it honestly surprised me, because I thought this was going in a very different direction.  The early "corrupted nature" and body horror elements made me think of The Bridge, but this steered neatly away from that and by the end, I understood why you put this in Angst instead of Horror.

I know you said you thought George was horribly unlikeable, but I think you may be selling yourself short.  George is a deeply flawed individual, but he actually has a lot of sympathetic qualities.  He may make money off his dogs, but it's clear by the end of the story that he really does care for them, and he may describe his relationship with his wife early on as mutual toleration rather than love, but his reaction when she dies shows otherwise.  Even his bitterness at the newer, environmentally responsible businessmen doesn't keep him from admitting that they're right.  He simply doesn't like being used as an example of what not to do, which is an entirely understandable reaction.

What really impressed me about the story, though, is the comparison you draw at the end between George and the elemental.  In many works, nature spirits billions of years old would be portrayed as either completely inhuman or wise and mature, but the elemental's actions show that it's actually more similar to George than it first appears.  This is most obvious with regards to the "pretty" comparison, and how each side sees that there is "so much left" of the other, but there's another aspect to it.

George was aware of the impact his cost-cutting was having on the environment, but he chose to ignore it for selfish gain.  The elemental is no doubt aware of the environmentalists, and it could reveal itself to humanity at large and work to help itself and the life it has nurtured through the eons, but instead it chose petty revenge.  George claims he didn't know about the effects his company had back in the day, but he knows that's an excuse.  The elemental says that "all are complicit" but it starts killing George's dogs, which as nonsentient animals are most definitely not complicit, in order to torture him, which reveals "all are complicit" to be an excuse for what it's doing, similar to George.

It's fitting that, in spite of the elemental covering the entire planet, in the end the it and George are portrayed as being alone together.  Beyond just being bonded by suffering, they are more alike than either of them would care to admit.

Overall, I really enjoyed this, both for the creepy buildup and for the surprising character piece at the end.

Thank you so much, InBrightestDay! :)

I am not sure I deserve these reviews, but I’ll try and answer your points, so here goes:

I’m afraid the lack of body horror later in the story is entirely down to my own limitations as a writer. I wanted to put it in (I’d been looking forward to that very thing), and I had no compunction about inflicting it on the character, but I found I couldn’t do it without losing the emotional and psychological resonance. I mean, Guy N Smith is one of my heroes, and he can do this with ease. He’s written a number of favourite gory horror scenes, and it kills me that I can’t emulate him. In the end, I had to begin with a little, and heavily hint at more later on, which is kind of personally disappointing to me.

George is unlikeable to me because he’s an out and out capitalist, and I’m the complete opposite. Writing his pov – sympathetically – for me, required some pretty hefty suspension of belief. I still feel dirty. *shudders*

As to the comparison, I think I did say the elemental is also an emissary. It was probably created just for this, to communicate some kind of dissatisfaction. That likely meant it was able to relate to George on a much smaller, human, and more petty level.

I’m glad you liked it. :hug: I have to admit, though, I was much happier with how ‘The Price’ turned out. This was difficult, but I think it was also good practice. In time to come, I’m sure I’ll realise I learned a lot from it.

Thank you! :wub:

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On 3/4/2019 at 9:55 PM, pippychick said:

Thank you so much, Jaydee :wub:

I really didn’t expect to get an in-depth review like this, and you’ve made me very happy. :)

I hoped the opening line wouldn’t upset you, it was my reaction at the end!

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Thank you for letting me use your idea! You’re awesome!

Thank you for taking an idea I’d never have gotten anywhere with and making something of it!

 

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18 hours ago, pippychick said:

I mean, Guy N Smith is one of my heroes, and he can do this with ease. He’s written a number of favourite gory horror scenes, and it kills me that I can’t emulate him.

Wait, Guy N. Smith is a personal hero, and there is not one giant mutant crab in this story?  You betrayed us all, pippychick!

No, seriously though, that’s actually really cool, and I seriously need to finish reading Night of the Crabs at some point.

As for the lack of gore being a failure of yours as an author, I don’t think so.  Stories don’t need to be gory to work, and in my opinion the buildup here is far more frightening because of what we don’t see.  The elemental was terrifying when we couldn’t see it, because while part of me was just imagining a blob of water, another part of me was only half-picturing something else, a terrible, nebulous image that I didn’t want to bring into focus because of what it might look like.  In addition, the mention that before he died, George barely resembled anything human, coupled with the “gifts” we’ve seen him receive is replete with uncomfortable possibilities.

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I’m glad you liked it. :hug: I have to admit, though, I was much happier with how ‘The Price’ turned out. This was difficult, but I think it was also good practice. In time to come, I’m sure I’ll realise I learned a lot from it.

While I do think that The Price was scarier overall, I think this really worked in its own way.  Heck, you may have already learned a lesson from it: how to write from the PoV of someone whose personal philosophy you disagree with.

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Reviews for The Pollution of George Farrow

BY : pippychick

From tcr on March 14, 2019

 

 

Wow, that was bloody intense.  Not in a highly action oriented way, but in the entire situation.  In your wording and the atmosphere you created.  It was superbly written.  And I found it to fit in with the prompt line quite well (although JayDee may think otherwise).

The character of George...  Honestly I liked the evolution.  He started off, to me, as an unsympathetic douche, then shifted, quite reasonably to less douche, then average, then sympathetic (in his own way).  And the way you did it was fantastic.  Word choices and descriptions helped this transition elegantly.  (In some ways, it reminded me a little of Stephen King's Thinner.)  And that's a bonus.  I do like the twist at the end, too.  I won't say it here, but it was a good way to usurp expectations I had going in.

Despite not being in there long, too, i felt the connection between Liz and George strongly too.  You did an amazing job, the subtleties of their relationship and the backstory there, it's too bad the events that transpire.  And the dogs...  My heart just...  Animals, my weak spot.

Now for the setting.  I like the beginning and ending, and the tie that binds them together.  I think it was a great touch and a nice little foreshadowing to his change.

All in all, excellent work.

Thank you tcr! :)

Wow… I have reminded someone of Stephen King. I have now reached the pinnacle of my powers, lol. Chuffed to bits about that, especially since I do love Thinner. It’s a great horror story.

Aww… no dogs were hurt in the writing of this story. :hug:

I’m glad that the relationship with Liz came through, and that you saw that echo in the  beginning and the end. Thanks again!

 

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Reviews for Demonizing Angel

BY : pippychick

From tcr on March 14, 2019

 

 

Best disclaimer ever.  Nuff said there.

One point I think might have been an interesting addition to it: if you had used singular “they” for the beginning intro to the characters, I think that would have been interesting.  And then, when they change over to female, they could be switched to she.  It would add to the idea of “neutral” and, shall we say, for less that you have kind of hinted on.  And the idea of switching forms (as hinted by the line “She wondered what form Demon had taken, and then with a smile decided to let it be a surprise for later.”)

I do love that touch of history in there.  That little bit of information that grounds the world of Angel and Demon, and make the story real.  And, having my love of history, almost sounds like the Thirty Years War.

Love the description of the form Demon took.  Mmmmmmm.  Wonderfully delicious and beautifully written.  And Angel's look.  Wow!  Two sexy women!

The foreplay between the two from Angel's viewpoint was well done.  It was both hot and written with just enough hardness to show Demon's personality.  Thumbs up, thumbs way up!

And Demon's viewpoint continues it.  And gives more of a sight into her own psyche.  Definitely loving the build up.

And chapter two…  bit of a twist, but an interesting and compelling twist.  Demon loves Angel and, from the sounds of it, Angel loves Demon.  A message of the complicated nature of good and evil and the ever convoluted attempts to differentiate them?

It was hot to the end.  And an interesting take on religious themes.  I definitely loved the Aramaic in there, too, very nice touch.  Definitely a fantastic piece of writing and I certainly hope you come back to it

Thank you for this review too tcr! :wub:

I think that if I rewrote this, I might try that very short beginning part without the use of pronouns at all, which would make it a smoother read.

From what I remember, I was creating an entire mythos here, represented by Angel and Demon. I’m sorry I didn’t continue it in some ways, because they were good candidates.

I’m glad it was hot…. that’s honestly the most important part. :)

You’re very good to me, and kind with these reviews. Thank you :hug:

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8 hours ago, pippychick said:

Thank you tcr! :)

Wow… I have reminded someone of Stephen King. I have now reached the pinnacle of my powers, lol. Chuffed to bits about that, especially since I do love Thinner. It’s a great horror story.

Aww… no dogs were hurt in the writing of this story. :hug:

I’m glad that the relationship with Liz came through, and that you saw that echo in the  beginning and the end. Thanks again!

 

Lol.  And the British side shines through.  I had to read your line about chuffed to bits twice.  Lol.  Being honest, if you really expanded this out (not saying you have to, it's fantastic as is), I think it would surpass King.  So, there's that.

I would hope no dogs were hurt...  I'd be so betrayed.  ;)

And yep, the bookends you wrote were excellent and really showed how much he has changed and how much his torment has suffered him.

(And thank you, Pippy, for sharing!)

8 hours ago, pippychick said:

Thank you for this review too tcr! :wub:

I think that if I rewrote this, I might try that very short beginning part without the use of pronouns at all, which would make it a smoother read.

Awe, made you blush :) .  You're welcome for it.  :) .  If you decide to rewrite, let me know, I'd definitely want to read it.  And, honestly, I think the lack of pronouns would work just as well.  

8 hours ago, pippychick said:

From what I remember, I was creating an entire mythos here, represented by Angel and Demon. I’m sorry I didn’t continue it in some ways, because they were good candidates.

I’m glad it was hot…. that’s honestly the most important part. :)

You’re very good to me, and kind with these reviews. Thank you :hug:

It was well written.  I'm sad you didn't continue it.  I really want to read more of these two.  And it's an intriguing mythos you have so far.

Lol.  Hot is good.  If it's not what is needed in the scene, it falls flat.  You delivered on it all the way through.  :2tubs:

It's easy when the writing's great, Pippy.  But you're welcome all the same.  :hug:

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Reviews for Awakenings

BY : pippychick & Melrick


  • From JayDee on May 19, 2019
     

    You folks have done a good job of setting the scene and building up the sexual tension there. Ray's definitely showing an interest isn't he, but knowing how inappropriate it is, while Nina just seems to be getting into him. I guess it's lonely on the farm. There's a bit of a twist there with the reveal of her actual age - I'll give the future chapters a miss because it's gonna be too young for me, but I wanted to leave a review on part one because it's very well written.

    I was trying to work out where it was set - I initially thought Britain with Pippychick's past stories set there, but then there's kilometres for distance and mention of new guy's pants, but also arse - so Australia on behalf of Melrick?

Hey @JayDee :hug:

Thank you so much for this review, and I completely understand about the minor2, it’s why the tag is there. For me, it is kind of fun recalling my younger self so that Nina can borrow her for a bit (I was terrible).

I’m glad the build up comes across well, nevertheless.

@Melrick and I added the setting to the summary, because you gave us a reminder.

I know I have so much catching up to do reading-wise (covers the ears of fate), and with any luck, this week could be my week, because I am really looking forward to it! I’m sorry I’ve been absent for such a long time now.

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They do say that writers should write what they know. That’s why I write about a werewolf. No exactly, that’s what the codes are there for! There’s about half the Minor2 stuff I’m fine with and half I avoid, but I’d never criticise folks who do want to write or read it. You’ve both got a good story starting there and I hope it gets a lot of reads and reviews.

Also, about the setting – I genuinely thought I’d somehow mis-read the summary :D it’s easy to miss a word if you’re reading fast, and purely coming from some of your past stories I’ve read being set in Britain I had that mental image. After both kilometres and arse had appeared I figured it had to be the land down under instead, but until then I wasn’t sure.

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Reviews for Awakenings

BY : pippychick & Melrick


  • From Ivor_Biggun on May 23, 2019
     

    A rea;;y good read so far. I love the build up, nice little twist in age. I look forward to further chapters

Thank you for your review!  I expect we’ll be posting the next chapter soon so I hope you can stick with it. :-)

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