InBrightestDay

Next up, without a doubt the longest review. Shh! Don’t be mean to the guy who came up with it! He might be reading this. About Kevin’s actions in general, the funny thing is that while he’s not a self-insert in the traditional sense, a lot of what he says and does comes from me going “Well, what would I do if presented with this situation?” So, for instance, what does he do after he finds out the mystery woman is recovering upstairs? Well...I guess I’d go out and buy her some flowers and try to introduce myself, so that’s what he does. She’s holding up amazingly well, considering what she’s been through. Most humans would probably be a lot worse off than she is, but something I realized while reading your story is that she’s very, very tough, both physically and emotionally, so while she’s hurt and upset, she’s still holding herself together. However, after what she went through, both before and after being put into the statue, any semblance of pride has completely inverted, and now she has some self esteem issues, which is why she couldn’t bring herself to give Kevin her real name at first; she doesn’t feel worthy of using it with him. Ultimately, though… That moment is, to me, an example both of Kevin’s empathy and of Luzurial allowing herself to be vulnerable. He doesn’t really know who this woman is or what she’s been through, but he knows he can’t let her cry herself to sleep or face nightmares when she does drift off, and holding her hand is really all he knows how to do for her, based on his own experiences as a younger kid. For Luzurial’s part, she’s been a support system for others in the past, and in your story she tried to stamp down her own emotional vulnerability in an attempt to help other people. Her taking Kevin’s hand and telling him her real name is her accepting that whether she thinks she deserves it or not, she wants someone to reassure her and tell her that things will get better, and maybe that’s okay. And on a meta level, I just wanted to see Luzurial experience a level of peace after all her suffering, so it was a personal moment for me. Granted, I suppose this entire story is a personal moment for me, but still, the H/C bits are particularly so. Actually, I kind of feel like we inadvertently worked together to co-write a giant Hurt/Comfort fic. You did a bang-up job on the hurt, so I only needed to go for the comfort. Off topic, but that is actually one of my favorite Trek characters. They may only have hired Jeri Ryan for hotness, but at some point it obviously dawned upon the studio that she could ACT, and Seven ended up with a lot of great moments throughout the show (in my opinion, anyway). That was something I always wanted in the story. Kevin is, after all, an eighteen year old boy, with all the associated hormones, and Luzurial is, following on from your story, this kind of intense, preternatural beauty, deeply sensual without actually trying to be, so it’s natural for him to feel attracted to her, but I didn’t want him to come across like a creeper, so he accepts that yes, he thinks she’s hot, but then refocuses on trying to help her, because it’s just the right thing to do. Kevin’s not an action hero (in spite of a scene or two in later chapters), but what he does have is a good heart. This has been kind of an incredible thing for me too. I never expected that the answer to “Can I write a happy ending to your rapefic?” would be “Go for it, and show it to me when you’re done,” and that even after it took me so long to write it, that I’d finally be able to show it to you and have you actually like it! Sometimes the internet is an amazing place.

I mean, if you read Whore of Heaven, it never gets any worse than that. The flashbacks are to the events of that story, after all. I was thinking more of another reviewer, whom I’ll get to shortly, potentially getting upset. As for Little Brother’s Lesson, Ryan is 18 and his big sister Cindy is 23, so no Minor1 or Minor2. Like I said, it was posted first on Literotica, where all the characters have to be at least 18.

This is happening way faster than I’d anticipated. That’s not a bad thing, though! Let’s kick this off with what I think is chronologically the first review. Well, this is either going to be a very happy review or a very unhappy one. Happy it is! Thank you so much for the kind words. Since this is my first story here on AFF, and given what it’s a sequel to, I was pretty nervous as to how it would be received. Granted, upset reviews may come later, when Luzurial’s PTSD flashbacks start and the disturbing imagery really kicks in, but this was a really nice first review to get! More is definitely on the way. Out of the story’s nine chapters, I’ll have eight of them done by the end of tonight. I’m planning to update this once per week, so hopefully Part Two will be up next Monday! Be careful saying that on the first chapter. Things may get less intriguing for you as we go along, but I do hope you’ll continue to enjoy it. I don’t have anything else planned at the moment that’s going to be as long as The Woman in the Statue, and not all of them will be to your tastes, but I have two other stories that I want to have on this site. Little Brother’s Lesson is already up on Literotica, but I figure I’ll post it here too. It’s a brother/sister incest story (like I said, not for everyone), which will eventually have two sequels: Our Secret and Ever After, to complete the story. The Spider House may be more up your alley. It’s about a teen named Cody who starts falling for his neighbor Yua, who lives in the neighborhood haunted house and may or may not be human… If I can have that one ready for one of the AFF Halloween parties, it may be my contribution. At any rate, thank you again for your kind review!

For the moment, this is just for The Woman in the Statue, but I figured I’d use this thread for my other stories as well, once I actually start posting them. Edit (2021): I figured it might help people who stumble upon this if I linked to my stories, since I have several originals now. The Woman in the Statue My flagship story, effectively, and my most popular so far. Kevin frees a mysterious woman from her magical prison. Yua & Cody After Party – Yua and Cody have their own private Halloween celebration Parlor Games (co-written with JayDee) – some unpleasant men break into the wrong house. Social Distancing – Yua and Cody cope with the COVID-19 pandemic. Aldreda & Elis Moonlit Snow – Paladin Aldreda and her squire Elis escort a caravan, and grow just a little bit closer along the way.

Oh, so he doesn’t just fight dirty; he pre-fights dirty!

Yeah, that does kind of feel like an instant win move. And he’s got a pretty badass name!

“Wait, she’s into this? This is not how this is supposed to go...” That’s also something I should have asked about. Are we going with Death Battle rules where neither combatant can know about the other(s) before combat starts, and weaknesses can only be exploited if there’s a way to find out about them? I mean, what you just did was to think about both scenarios, so I suppose that works too. Genre affects a lot. Clever tricks and badass powers work in normal stories because it makes the heroines look cool, but it can’t be allowed to work in a rape/torture/snuff fic because it would get in the way of the rape, torture and/or murder, so the genre of the crossover these OCs find themselves in is kind of vital. Heck, given that we kind of share a character now (she’s your character, but we’ve each written one story with her), I can factually state that Luzurial has found herself in the same situation (metal chains/tentacle attached to arms/arm) twice and has used the same solution (focus power onto chains/tentacle until vaporization/melting occurs). It doesn’t work in your story and it does work in mine specifically because they’re different genres. Of course, that might backfire in the long run. I’m fairly certain that if you rape a Seraph and then destroy her material form, you’re definitely going to Hell. I mean, rape and murder are Hell-worthy offenses to begin with (so this guy’s already damned like five times over), but that’s only going to make it worse.

What about your Yautja OC? I never read the story (Snuff aversion and all that), so I don’t quite remember what you said his name was, but there’s no way he wouldn’t try to take a spine or skull from one of Kizzy’s Pack, which actually raises some questions: is Shannon vulnerable to a plasma caster? Does Lupa’s undead body mean she’s invisible to his infrared vision (she’s the same temperature as the background, after all), and do her hypnotic vampire powers work on something from another solar system? In case the name is unfamiliar, by the way, Yautja is what the alien big game hunters from the Predator franchise call themselves. It’s never said in the films, to the best of my knowledge, but it comes from the Alien vs Predator comics, and the movies haven’t said it’s not canon yet!

You kidding me? This is what the internet is for! I don’t yet have stories up (soon, though), so I feel I can’t start talking about OCs without spoiling future stories. If I start discussing Chloe versus Yua...well, that’s going to require knowing who Chloe is and it’ll spoil the hell out of Yua. Are you getting in on this, though? You’ve got a crapload of stories.

I also like how the chart in the back of one panel lists “Hard Rock” as everything from 1961-1971, which includes Elvis and the Beatles. So “Can’t Help Falling in Love” and “Let It Be” are Hard Rock. One wonders what he would have thought of Metallica. Yeah, it’s kind of ironic that I read the story trying to avoid one where the female lead dies, and walked into I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream. On the other hand, that bonded to me to Luzurial right quick. As a discussion of Hurt/Comfort fics once said: Speaking of which, while it’s going to be about a week, for my next reviews, I’m just going to address this to the Archangel Luzurial, P.O. Box #77, Chandler Memorial Park, Los Angeles, California 90023: Got it, and I’ll get back to you shortly.

Reading them is a weird experience for me. For Christians, Chick is like our racist uncle or something, so generally they’re deeply embarrassing to read, but sometimes they’re so bad they’re hilarious, and Dark Dungeons is definitely one of those. That image actually came to mind; the McCallisters’ basement kind of did feel like a hellmouth. Almost certainly, but that’s the Catch 22 of that story. If Luzurial had done that, she wouldn’t be the likable character that she is, which is actually what I was getting at with the “I can’t imagine why...” comment. Under essentially the same circumstances (oral rape), Luzurial was crying at that point, and her thought process could probably be summed up as “please make it stop,” while Miharu’s is more like “this shouldn’t be possible, but it tastes even worse than the food of the white savages!” One of those draws immediate sympathy, while the other...doesn’t. Couple that with the generally lighter tone and Drew’s inherent loser status and there you go. I mean, if you ever want someone else to take a look at the story (just for perspective), I’d be happy to do so. I’ve really appreciated your feedback with my story, after all.

I actually just had to write that because I didn’t want to spoil anything, so I couldn’t really say who Luzurial was or anything like that, and similarly to Part One, I ended up making the summary Kevin’s PoV. It absolutely makes sense, and I’ll try to give more of a sense of threat to the end of it there. Oooooh that is such a compliment that I am seriously tempted to take it. I’m trying not to get a swelled head, though, given that Luzurial would no doubt have some words for me about Pride. The spellcheck here has some odd standards concerning contractions. Didn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t, etc. all come up as misspelled, and yet you’re, they’re, it’s and don’t do not register that way.

Yeah, I’ve actually been working on that. I keep alternating between the brief “what is this?” summary (Kevin’s never liked that creepy statue in the park...) and what I call the “paperback” summary, that is, something like what you’d see on the back of a novel. Kevin’s never liked that creepy statue in the park. It’s sad, it’s disturbing and, as he finds out one day, it’s not a statue at all. The woman he finds inside is enigmatic, beautiful...and hurt in ways far beyond the physical. Taking her home, Kevin attempts to help her heal, but she’s not the only thing to come back from the past. That’s my best attempt so far, anyway. Was Shannon having some thoughts about her commanding officer? Kate: At this point I’m worried she’s going to end up drunk-dialing Astrid. Lupa: Can succubi get drunk? Shannon: I’m gonna find out! Well, that is where the Fleshlight people got the name from. I appreciate the compliment, but don’t go overboard here. I lack your talent for economical storytelling, for one thing (thus far, in terms of word count, The Woman in the Statue is five times the length of Whore of Heaven, and I’m not done yet. Granted, I could also blame that on the action scenes, but some of it is definitely down to me getting somewhat more verbose. Oh, don’t worry about that. As it happens, I made the reverse typo (“Had I just discovered you’re work now...”); I just managed to fix it quickly.

I eventually realized I was just going to have to feel my way through the scene, experimenting a bit and trying different lines to see what worked best. It’s not as comfortable as when a scene just comes together in my mind, but sometimes it’s necessary. Absolutely. Shannon almost feels like an angel with a very active libido. I’m guessing that libido was part of the problem, though, given that nobody had started asking questions about the whole celibacy thing yet. Well, there’s something to be said for not trying to write something you’re unfamiliar with. With stuff like BDSM, after all, there’s always the risk of writing it wrong and making people who are actually into it roll their eyes. Speaking of which, while your American slang is usually spot-on, I did notice this: Admittedly, you could have been referring to a stick with fire on the end of it, but if you mean the electric variety, over here we call those flashlights. An odd term, I’ll admit, but I think it has something to do with their early use by the military for Morse code. I’m genuinely curious. When you came up with Sarsa’s name, was that where it came from? I’m an oddity in that regard, I know. Had I just discovered your work now, I probably would have just scanned down to Twinpregnation, thought of you as the guy who wrote the sibling romance story and never gone anywhere near Whore of Heaven. But it was ten years ago, so… On an amusing side note, I just polished up the “confession” scene and added a bit where Kevin and Luzurial just hold each other for a little while after she stops crying. I’m going to say that didn’t have anything to do with what I was reading, but by the time these reviews are done, there’s a chance I’ll have to go back and delete a bunch of superfluous hugs from my story. Luzurial: Not that this isn’t nice, but why do you keep doing it? Kevin: I don’t know; I just keep getting this feeling that you really need a hug. Actually I had this rather interesting thought, which I’m going to use if you don’t mind, that some sections of Hell may have been built up to emulate the paradise the demons were cast from, like on some level they miss home and are trying to create something kind of like it. No problem! It was a lot of fun to read!

Ironically, it's the reverse. I have a connecting scene to write before we go into the barrier, where Kevin, Abdul and Calista all basically say “we’re main characters too, and we can’t just stay here while you do all the cool stuff!” Or it might be more about how Kevin would be worried sick if he waited outside, etc. It’s definitely one of those things, though. Well, for whatever reason, I’m having trouble making the words flow, so I must sit and stare intimidatingly at my laptop until words appear on the screen. Oh, it won’t take months. Given that both our stories happen or start on January 1, there is no way I’m not posting Part One before the end of this month. That actually raises a rather interesting question about the definition of the word “pure” in these circumstances. One stereotypically assumes it refers to either celibacy or abstinence from drinking or something like that, but another way to look at it is in terms of a sense of focus. After all, the definition of “pure” often has to do with something not being mixed with anything else, so this may instead refer to dedication to cause or to the degree to which her protective responsibility/compassion drives her character. Not that Shannon would read it that way, of course. “Listen to me, Shannon. Innocent lives are at stake if I don’t make it to Comic Con.” Well, there’s a crossover. Also, the image of Kizzy and Lupa walking through the con, with a hand coming out of nowhere to grope Lupa and her nonchalantly breaking it without slowing down is hilarious.

I haven’t noticed any contradictions yet. I mean, we really didn’t get much of a sense of her in TSPoED before the action started (which was by design, given the way that first chapter was structured), so it was only later on, specifically here, that we as an audience could start getting a sense of what her disguise personality really is. The detachment thing really makes sense, again factoring in her lines in TSPoED, and she does seem very businesslike. This chapter also explains what you mentioned earlier (off the forum), about her being willing to make harsh sacrifices for the greater good. She’s a rather interesting character; in a way, it’s appropriate she’s into Star Trek, because she sometimes feels like an alien character, which makes sense. Angels aren’t aliens in the extraterrestrial sense, but they very much are in the nonhuman sense. You are most welcome! I’ve read one particularly good second person story before (it was a Resident Evil Ada-centric story over on fanfiction.net), but the second person PoV didn’t feel integral to the fic; it would have worked just as well in first or third person. This is the first story I’ve read where the second person PoV is so thoroughly taken advantage of for both comedy and storytelling in general. It may take me a couple of days to get to Fucking Halloween Party, just so you know. I’m trying to make more headway on my story.

Oh, don’t take that as me getting genuinely upset. I mean, Burroughs was born in 1875 and Tarzan of the Apes, the first book, was published in 1912 (though the two dozen sequels continued being published into the 1940s), so of course it gets racist from time to time. I always just saw that as a thing I was going to run into reading really old books, but I completely get why it’s a deal breaker for a ton of other people. I just made that little outburst as a joke about the second person format. On an amusing tangent, while Burroughs could be very backwards in his books, he occasionally ended up rather forward-thinking as well. In the novel Pellucidar (the second book in said series, oddly enough), the main character and his love interest are backed up against a sheer cliff face, and he thinks he’s going to have to coach the delicate woman into climbing down...and then turns around to find her already having climbed halfway to the bottom. The main character, and thus Burroughs, then takes a moment to speculate that perhaps the reason women of the 1915 surface world aren’t like that is not an inherent limitation of being female, but is instead because of cultural conditioning. It’s not like the whole book is like that or anything, but that was an idea weirdly ahead of its time. Too late! I finished it last night. You’ll get a review at some point, but for the moment, just know that it made me laugh quite a few times.

That’s exactly it. I didn’t want to get in trouble if AFF had a policy of not posting reviews by chapter once the story was completed. Okay, I was drinking something when I read this, so it’s a good thing I’m on my phone at the moment and didn’t get soda on a keyboard while laughing.

Wait, what? Hey, I’d read it. Given the second part and the people skills problem, maybe she was supposed to learn about friendship. I’m now picturing Kizzy writing a “Dear Creator” letter after every one of these adventures a la “Dear Princess Celestia...” Of course, with Shannon as a friend, those letters are going to get hilariously NSFW very quickly. It does sound more like the idea of punishment via reincarnation (as you said, though, reincarnation traditionally allows the possibility of redemption in your new life). I suppose I wasn’t looking at it that way partly because of my own religious background, and partly due to the fact that the story elements place it pretty squarely in Judeo-Christian territory. Still, you’re not the first person to combine elements from those religions with Buddhist or Hindu concepts. Bernice is probably fine, all told. She was shot in the head, which is a pretty instantaneous form of death (and she seemed not to have noticed what was happening to her body just beforehand), and given that she died assaulting a demon in an attempt to help an archangel, I don’t think there’s much doubt where she ended up. Honestly, the most unpleasant thing to happen to her after that was likely spending the next three quarters of a century to 100 trillion years becoming increasingly alarmed at not seeing the angel she was trying to help. So what you’re saying is that this is a...*dons sunglasses* ...loose canon. I apologize for nothing.

Thanks for the warm welcome! For the purposes of future reviews, back on fanfiction.net I tended to leave one review per chapter (not duplicates, mind you, just leaving a review of each chapter as I went). Is that okay here, or would you prefer that for completed fics I just leave one review for the whole thing? I ask because some of the stuff I plan on reviewing is multiple chapters long. I ran into the same thing with my sibling romance story over on Literotica. The version you reviewed was actually an improved version, as a lot of the stuff about the siblings’ backstory was added while rewriting it. Even now, I’m still seeing things with that story I want to change.