gossamersilverglow

This is one of my newer, favorite reviews to my story Buried. The words in between [ ] are from the actual story itself. "[Warning: Hints at date rape drugs, rape, murder, and torture.] Lovely. [Jamie Anderson's head was pounding as she opened her bleary eyes, waking to pitch black darkness, an odd earthy smell, and a piece of hair tickling the tip of her nose.] like I said with “Time loop”, this sentence is brimming with adjectives and it is a mouthful. Try separating it into several smaller ones and you should be good to go [she frowned shaking her head] try “She frowned and shook her head as she…” [Drinking is bad] this line made me laugh for quite some time. It’s like the big fire bear coming into your room and shouting “ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT WILDFIRES!” [she paused, hoping for an answer, "come on, this isn't funny.] try [she paused, hoping for an answer. “Come on, this isn’t funny.”] [she drew in a deep, shaky breath as her eyelids started blinking rapidly over her blue eyes, blew out, took another breath, and repeated before responding. "Who is this?] It’s Jigsaw. Welcome to Saw Fifteen, bitch. I like how you explain things about Jamie’s personality and backstory in dialog, like how she asks “is this some kind of senior prank?” ["No, you stupid bitch! Get the fucking lighter."] I laughed here too XD I like this unknown asshole [Little whores are so predictable.] story of my life I need a drink. Oh wait, I can’t have a drink, because according to Jamie, underage drinking is the devil’s hobby…I have to ask myself why this guy hasn’t raped Jamie already if he already raped her friend. Or did he rape her friend? {The reviewer asks this because I do NOT write detailed rape scenes--just mentions of the actual word rape--it's sole purpose is for the benefit of the killer and the plot} [some real Hostel shit] laughed here too. Is that the movie that inspired this scene? Interesting. Haven’t seen it. Don’t plan to. Okay so this story is pretty fuckin amazing, and I do NOT say that a lot. The ending totally floored me. I did NOT see Jamie’s death coming because it seriously seemed like she would be the main character. Excellent, EXCELLENT job switching it up. Just…wow. I’m speechless." I would consider this a pretty perfect review. I get some constructive criticism and the reader clearly enjoyed it. This is to my more recent story Macabre: The Gothic Boutique. Just my favorite parts though, it was a very long review that had some constructive criticism involved (which I have everything fixed that was suggested now): “Let me just say before I get into the review, that when I read the summary to this story I immediately thought it sounded like such a badass idea. So I can't wait to see how you handle it. Also, since you say this is a really rough draft, I'll try to point out typos and technical stuff to help you in the editing process. {Which was done and that’s what I cut out} I think what really shines the most in this chapter is the relationship between Annabelle and Maggie. I particularly enjoy how you give them each their own quirks and habits, like Maggie's cleanliness, or Annabelle's obsession with Halloween. The whole thing about the credit card was done really nicely, too. I love how they have these little inside jokes between them, like "the big one." That not only shows how close they are, but it also shows the reader that there's much more to their relationship than what we see on the surface. One thing my creative writing professor told me was that it's not really important to show the reader 100% of everything about a given character or a situation, but to just convince them that 100% exists. So only showing them 10% of a character isn't necessarily bad, so long as it feels like there's an existing 90% that we might never even see. This is done by, like I mentioned above, giving really specific examples and quirks to your characters - like the kitty litter in Annabelle's apartment, and Maggie's rich father who's a total tightwad. Very good job with that; you explore their relationship really well. I also think you provide enough plot and character to make the reader want to keep reading, and this definitely doesn't give off the impression that this will be a dense story. Seems like it'll be a pretty easy, light read, which I think is effective and makes sense, and it will most likely appeal to your audience. You don't bog the narration down with backstory or info-dumping either, which I appreciated. You build on Annabelle and Maggie's characters very gradually, helping me ease into things without a wall of information I'll have to digest first. So thank you for that. ” Here’s another one from my story Time Loop: “Well, this wasn't what I was expecting at all! I loved it though, it made me feel all weird and tingly at the back of my neck while I was reading it. The atmosphere you created was really fantastic I thought, it made me really feel cold, as though I was being watched. Your really good at creating an emotive response from the reader, I think (from me, at least) and I'm glad you didn't reveal whatever it was that killed them all in the end. It made it a lot darker and thrilling to not really know. It gives the reader the opportunity to cook up something horrific in their own mind, and that's clever of you, because everyone is afraid of different things. It would be something different for everyone. I know a few of your reviewers have said they felt the characters and their relationships were a bit bland, and to begin with I felt Dani was very cold to everyone. As the story progressed, however, I felt like that was deliberate on your part. Her feelings towards them altered accordingly with each time loop, which I think is right considering the ending. They needed her to grow so they could all move on, and you handled that really well. The relationships were bland in the beginning, but that was because Dani was trying to stay distant. I felt like this was best illustrated by her relationship with Tommy, which became more and more important to her as the story went on. Reading it a second time, I felt that this bit was really clever of you: "Dani, this is not your fault. Accept it so we can move on. We all need to move on," Anna continued. "We need to get out of this-this purgatory and move to a better place. Please can't you understand that this is not your fault? None of us have ever blamed you for this." "Anna!" Tommy scolded, glaring at her so intensely that Dani looked startled at the exchange. When I first read it, I very vaguely thought to myself, 'What's he shouting at her for?' but it was such a passing blip, I didn't think much of it at first. The second time I read through though, it made a lot more sense, and I felt that it was great writing for you to hide that, something that seems so obvious to me now, and bury it in such a way that the reader doesn't necessarily notice the strange exchange right away. Very clever! The story itself was really original, and I really enjoyed it. I had no clue what to expect at the beginning, but I was pleasantly surprised by how you decided to end it. It's not often you get to read such a well rounded story with such a limited word count. You're really good at trimming the fat when you write, I think. You tell us what we need to know and it's always very on point. Good stuff! Looking forward to reading more of your work!” Those are my favorite, more recent ones.

Thanks, I appreciate it. I probably missed this at first because I didn't know what it meant. What was this fan fiction from anyhow? I'll be happy to. I tend to abuse the word 'though.' Drives me crazy when I reread my stuff. @Aysha c.c. If you want to give me a way to contact you I'll send over my comments for the rest when I can get to it. @AliTwivira Aysha's post was a response to the review I'd given her. So technically before you can request a review you need to give one to one of my stories. Basically, you review a story from the previous post (one that actually had a request not a reply to a review) then you request one for yourself. This is how it continues. Of course I'm no Mod, I don't want to step on anyone's toes. Just thought I'd point it out.

Reviewed Ch. 1 of Ben Ten, He Saw It. The way the story was set up though was that all the chapters were in one chapter. So I hope reading just the first was okay since it was a genre I’m not overly familiar with. My review to Ben Ten, He Saw It Ch. 1: So the introduction is all run on. It’s kind of a choppy, never ending sentence. I would suggest rereading it and shortening it. Not only that, but add some detail other than the sexual ones. Like what color is the towel she grabbed for? How about some condensation on the mirror or the shower door, remnants from the hot shower? It doesn’t have to be a lot, a simple, well structured sentence goes a long way. Anyhow here are some typos to correct: “Gwen stepped out of the shower wrapped her hear in a small hand towel and then rapped herself in a regular bath towel…” Comma after shower, hear should be hair, another comma after towel, rapped should be wrapped and there should be a period where I put the ellipses. When you’re listing two or more things each item should be separated with a comma. Next: “The bath towel was just wide enough to cover her from her small budding ten year old breast, to her just starting to widen hips, stopping about an inch below the line of her ass.” Noticed I capitalized the *T* in making it a new sentence. There should be a comma after ‘to cover her,’ if only to make it flow better…fix those mistake and this sentence wasn’t that bad. It has a lot of potential. “Gwen opened the bathroom door and walked out into the open living space of the rust bucket, knowing that Ben and gram paw hade each gown to do their own thing.” This sentence is telling us the living space is a rust bucket instead of showing us. As a reader, we don’t see what you see as a writer, so you have to describe it. I’ve never really heard of a living space as a rust bucket though, a pigsty maybe, but rusty? Maybe use a different word. The last part of the sentence goes way over my head and I can’t make any suggestions because I just don’t understand it. At first I thought you just misspelled grandpa (or maybe it was intentional?), but like I said, I’m just not sure. “She hadn’t felt like going out so she had decided to stay and have a shower while the guys were gown; her shower had taken much longer than she had anticipated…” Gown should be gone. Be careful with your use of semicolons because sometimes it’s just an excuse to make the sentence unnecessarily long. I would suggest putting a period after anticipated and starting a new sentence with Ben. That sentence isn’t so bad either. It’s another one that shows some potential, but needs a few more descriptive words. You use semicolons way too much. I find that if you can’t properly place it than a period usually works just fine. I’m guilty of using them too much and not even properly, so I know. Then a reviewer told me that bit of information and I’ve changed my ways. Now when I see it’s bothersome. Consider this suggestion. “He took a few deep breaths*,* enjoying the feel of the cold air filling his lungs.” Nice. Sometimes a little description goes a long way! “Ben turned into the living area expecting to see Gwen geeking out on her computer, instead for a short time he wasn’t sure what he was seeing.” I enjoyed the way you used ‘geeking’ in this sentence. ‘Whoa dude, she’s ten should she be cussing like that’ was my first thought, but I’m guessing there isn’t going to be a giant time skip making her of age and that she’ll be having sex with Ben? I’m over it. It feels like someone completely different wrote this next group of sentences: “It was a statement of fact and at the same time a venomous accusation, not a question. Her embarrassment had reached a level she had never known in her life, and Ben was just standing there, staring at her, and not blinking.” I was genuinely surprised after reading that and then I was stumped. If you can write like that I think maybe you need to go over the rest of chapter one and make it like that. Overall, I’m not big on her being ten and I don’t remember seeing a loli (I assume that’s what this means) warning for this particular fic. I would suggest including it. Keep writing! __ I have other stories but I’m looking for reviews for only two right now. I hope it’s okay that I don’t list all of them though. Also these are my original stories, not fan fiction. I don't remember reading that this was exclusively fan fiction, but if I'm wrong I apologize. Title: Macabre: The Gothic Boutique Genre: Romance/Supernatural Warnings: None so far Summary: The only place in the world where you can host a vampire, participate in a full moon change with a werewolf, and take a walk on the wild side in Fairy Land. Buy one event, at $299.99, get one free, plus the opportunity to win another on October 31st. For the full Halloween experience, come a week early. Each event requires an entire week of your time. Link: http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600106457 Title: Buried Genre: Horror/Thriller/Romance Warnings: Rape, mentions of date rape drugs, violence, gore, torture, language Summary: What is a friend? A single soul dwelling within two bodies…what happens when one of the two disappears? Would you look for them? Would you fight for them if they were in danger? Would you die for them? Link: http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600105289 Thanks!