Riding the Lincoln Way Review Response and Author Commentary

[Wilde_Guess]

It took a while, but I received my first review, which I will respond to in the next message.

Author: Wilde_Guess
Title: Riding the Lincoln Way
Summary:  Danny Dvorak is a 14 year old Harley fanboy and honors student getting ready to start Lincoln Way Central High School in New Lenox, Illinois, in the summer of 1982. He has silver eyes, a silver tongue, and his issues have issues. His almost 14 year old brother and classmate has turned from closest friend to something else entirely. His new girlfriend has more issues than he does, and her younger sister is dating his younger brother. Will Danny make it through adolescence and High School without getting bad grades, a haircut, or the spanking of a lifetime?  The story is currently ‘slow-paced’ because a lot of things are happening around Danny.  The pace will pick up.
Feedback: Feedback and constructive criticism much appreciated.
Fandom: Original
Pairing: N/A
Warnings: Abuse Anal Bi HJ  HC Inc MF MiCD Minor1 Minor2 MM Oral Rim Solo Spank

Solo story or chaptered story: Chaptered story, 12 of ??
URL:  http://original.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600108829

Thanks.

 

[Desiderius Price]

Congrats on the review, that’s pretty fast, actually.  (I find reviews to be few and far between with my stories.)

[Wilde_Guess]

Arian-Sinclair wrote a review to Chapter 1.

Arian-Sinclair, I had not seen the term “demisexual” before I read your review.  Yet, at least as far as homosexual attraction goes, it fits both of the Dvorak boys, particularly Danny.  Out of the ten school-age protagonists, only ONE is actually a “full bisexual.”  However, out of those same ten, only two will have exclusively heterosexual encounters.  Those two will only have one partner each, and they are NOT partnered with each other.

I will need to “improve” the descriptions of Danny’s tone of voice and inflections.  While he is not quite as expressive of emotions as Michael, he does express as well as feel the full range of emotions, whether in private conversation or otherwise.  The comparison that keeps coming to mind for me would be to compare Danny to Robert De Niro and Michael with Joe Pesci

Thanks.

Edited January 26, 2018 by Wilde_Guess
corrected number of school-age protagonists

[Arian-Sinclair]

1 hour ago, Desiderius Price said:

Congrats on the review, that’s pretty fast, actually.  (I find reviews to be few and far between with my stories.)

He was lucky enough to come across me and I was lucky enough to come across that story. Next up, chapter two! I normally wait until I've caught up with a story to review, though, so that was a bit new for me.

1 hour ago, Wilde_Guess said:

Arian-Sinclair wrote a review to Chapter 1.

Arian-Sinclair, I had not seen the term “demisexual” before I read your review.  Yet, at least as far as homosexual attraction goes, it fits both of the Dvorak boys, particularly Danny.  Out of the nine school-age protagonists, only ONE is actually a “full bisexual.”  However, out of those same nine, only two will have exclusively heterosexual encounters.  Those two will only have one partner each, and they are NOT partnered with each other.

I will need to “improve” the descriptions of Danny’s tone of voice and inflections.  While he is not quite as expressive of emotions as Michael, he doe express as well as feel the full range of emotions, whether in private conversation or otherwise.  The comparison that keeps coming to mind for me would be to compare Danny to Robert De Niro and Michael with Joe Pesci

Thanks.

Thinking on it now, I suppose quasi-demisexual would be slightly more accurate as a description of the sexuality. This is the first good inclusion of incest I'd read in a long while, which is surprisingly hard to find with all the talk I hear about it. I'm excited to read on to see more characters come into play throughout the story.

I'll keep those comparisons in mind. A good way to add on just a little to his tone of voice would be to describe his facial expression when it changes around when he's about to start talking as well as right after before moving onto what subsequently happens. Don't slather too much into it or it'll come off awkwardly, but just giving a little bit on little changes in his expression can bring out a little bit, however slight. Visual cues are good with showing how a character is feeling and to show little bits of facial expression can help to liven what you're telling he's feeling. A blank slate on facial expressions make it easier to hear monotonous speech. Particular adjectives help much more for that. An example would be "He spoke decisively." having one imagine a stern tone and a characterisation that he is the type to have his mind made up, whereas "She spoke hesitantly." gives the impression of a girl who is either very shy or is worried about the reaction of the person she is speaking to. Adjectives are amazing tools in the world of writing to add a little expression into how a person speaks. There are so many adjectives to choose from, so choosing careful!y determines how the character ends up sounding.

[Wilde_Guess]

4 hours ago, Arian-Sinclair said:

...This is the first good inclusion of incest I'd read in a long while, which is surprisingly hard to find with all the talk I hear about it. I'm excited to read on to see more characters come into play throughout the story...

...A good way to add on just a little to his tone of voice would be to describe his facial expression ..

...Particular adjectives help much more for that...

Thanks again for your kind words.  When I was growing up, I actually knew  a pair of brothers involved in such a relationship, though not well.

As for the facial expression and voice tone, that is part of what I need to work on, for all of the characters.  I have started to do this, but I do need o work much harder on that for this story.

[Arian-Sinclair]

28 minutes ago, Wilde_Guess said:

Thanks again for your kind words.  When I was growing up, I actually knew  a pair of brothers involved in such a relationship, though not well.

As for the facial expression and voice tone, that is part of what I need to work on, for all of the characters.  I have started to do this, but I do need o work much harder on that for this story.

No problem. It's my honest opinion opinion, and I believe that's the best kind of input. If someone's just talking shit without saying anything on what they thought of what could be done to improve things, then that's not something that needs to be there as "criticism".

 

Practice makes close enough to perfect. Keep at it and I'm positive you'll have each character sounding as you imagine them sounding. It's good that you're trying. Some out there would just give up and trash something just because it's not good enough in their mind. This may be of good use to you and help you with showing your characters' voices through your writing. That site is absolutely amazing and has more articles aside from that one that have all helped me in my writing in both writing in general and RP.

[Wilde_Guess]

On 1/26/2018 at 11:16 AM, Arian-Sinclair said:

No problem. It's my honest opinion opinion, and I believe that's the best kind of input. If someone's just talking shit without saying anything on what they thought of what could be done to improve things, then that's not something that needs to be there as "criticism".

 

Practice makes close enough to perfect. Keep at it and I'm positive you'll have each character sounding as you imagine them sounding. It's good that you're trying. Some out there would just give up and trash something just because it's not good enough in their mind. This may be of good use to you and help you with showing your characters' voices through your writing. That site is absolutely amazing and has more articles aside from that one that have all helped me in my writing in both writing in general and RP.

I just read the linked page.  To my advantage, the protagonists are only about four years younger than me.  On the not-so-good side, in their version of ’real life,’ my protagonists are all pushing 50, hard.  I don’t remember all the ‘slang’ from then, and I didn’t use it then.  The site is a good one, though, and I’ll keep reading through it.

The entire school-age ‘ensemble’ will be introduced by Chapter 17, and ‘revealed’ in Chapter 18.

[Arian-Sinclair]

37 minutes ago, Wilde_Guess said:

I just read the linked page.  To my advantage, the protagonists are only about four years younger than me.  On the not-so-good side, in their version of ’real life,’ my protagonists are all pushing 50, hard.  I don’t remember all the ‘slang’ from then, and I didn’t use it then.  The site is a good one, though, and I’ll keep reading through it.

The entire school-age ‘ensemble’ will be introduced by Chapter 17, and ‘revealed’ in Chapter 18.

You could Google the slang of that time period. I always Google for particular ways of speaking when writing out a character from a time period I am unfamiliar with the slang of. I am aware that people from an era such as the middle ages never used contractions such as "don't" or "can't", so writing a character who comes from that time frame would not go around using such words, instead speaking out all words that the contraction was formed from. Aside from that, that time did use words that today are very rare to hear spoken and would likely need taking a look in the dictionary to find out the meaning of. That fascinates me.

[Wilde_Guess]

Thanks.  “Number 10” is pouting at me right now.  She was about to give her first blow job when I switched windows to read and answer your response.  Have you gotten past Chapter 1 yet?

Thanks.

[Desiderius Price]

46 minutes ago, Wilde_Guess said:

I just read the linked page.  To my advantage, the protagonists are only about four years younger than me.  On the not-so-good side, in their version of ’real life,’ my protagonists are all pushing 50, hard.  I don’t remember all the ‘slang’ from then, and I didn’t use it then.  The site is a good one, though, and I’ll keep reading through it.

The entire school-age ‘ensemble’ will be introduced by Chapter 17, and ‘revealed’ in Chapter 18.

So, you’re eighteen, right?    

[Wilde_Guess]

2 minutes ago, Desiderius Price said:

So, you’re eighteen, right?    

No, and I’ve only driven through Mokena.

[Arian-Sinclair]

2 hours ago, Wilde_Guess said:

Thanks.  “Number 10” is pouting at me right now.  She was about to give her first blow job when I switched windows to read and answer your response.  Have you gotten past Chapter 1 yet?

Thanks.

I started reading the second chapter. I haven't finished it yet, though.

[Wilde_Guess]

I’m still working on this story, and have posted up to chapter 34.  I am also re-doing some of the earlier chapters so that I have backups of them and to fix some continuity errors.  I look forward to any constructive criticism.

Thanks.