Need Help perfecting these Snippets

[SaigoKarasu]

My Opening Paragraphs:

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Rio pursued the remnants of Team Galactic desperately throughout Sunnyshore City with nothing but his sixth sense as his guide, striding blindly throughout the city like a bat following the distant echoes of his prey.

Rio drew out his PC Portable and cycled through his data files. He opened the folder of the person who was his only link to Cyrus and the remnants of Team Galactic: a girl who defeated the Team Galactic leader and his Commanders on top of Mount Coronet and helped Cynthia, Champion of the Elite Four, and his fellow “members” of AEGIS with the incident dubbed “The Mt. Coronet Incident” and, to top it all off, had defeated seven of the eight Gym Leaders of Sinnoh in a mere thirteen months.

Her name’s Dawn Berlitz, and she’s only twelve years old.

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I need help improving this so that'll grab readers by the throat and keep them on the edge of their seats.

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‘Crippled?’ she thought. Dawn let the hot tears flow from her eyes and stream down her delicate features. The nurse wrapped her arms around Dawn’s shoulder, whispering “It’s okay. Shhh. It’s going to be alright”. Dawn rested her head on her shoulder and threw her arms around her, digging her fingertips into the nurse’s back, clenching the inexpensive fabric.

She remembered the times he fought with Altair, showing off his new techniques in a vainglorious attempt to prove his superiority, even as a Piplup which she found so adorable. Every time she called him out to battle, he would strut his chest out, daring the opponent to try to land the first hit. Ever since he saw some nimrod wrestler shout, “This is my house!” while pounding his chest on television, he would emulate his gesture in every single battle to exhibit toughness and confidence in ability even when he was outmatched. As he evolved, his little displays only grew more and more dopey and exravagant. It didn’t matter, for she always found them to be so adorable.

Suddenly, something hit her.

She removed her hands from her eyes and looked at the nurse, the tears still pouring from her eyes. “Um, a ‘she’? He’s not a ‘she’.”

“S-she…um…gave birth,” the nurse replied.

The faint tick-tock on the clock fell silent. Stretched across the brindled darkness of the sick room, she lay bereft of will.

“We…don’t know if there will be any defects when the baby Piplup hatches. We saved the egg, but…it’s just…I’ve never seen them so distraught…so unsure of how to proceed. They had to cut her stomach open to save the egg.”

She had... sent an expecting mother out to fight. She... passed off the faded look in Trident’s eyes as... as mere happenstance, and... and she her child... robbed a mother’s precious blessing, her world, her... her happiness... of it’s future... Trident put her child’s life in her hands and... she had forsaken her. She had forsaken her best friend and... and her child, now, was...'“Why,” she asked as her eyes swelled up with tears, “Why didn’t I realize…”

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I desperately need help pulling this one off. Help me, please?

[Altari]

Hi Saigo!

It looks good but a bit rough. Here are my nitpicky suggestions.

He opened the folder of the person who was his only link to Cyrus and the remnants of Team Galactic: a girl who defeated the Team Galactic leader and his Commanders on top of Mount Coronet and helped Cynthia, Champion of the Elite Four, and his fellow "members" of AEGIS with the incident dubbed "The Mt. Coronet Incident" and, to top it all off, had defeated seven of the eight Gym Leaders of Sinnoh in a mere thirteen months.

This is all one sentence! Oh my! You're going to leave your readers

A person's brain can only take in so much data at once. We see a period, and our brains take a very brief pause to parse through all the information we've just gone through. If you give your readers shorter sentences, they'll keep up with the flow better and be more riveted. If you keep things long, then they'll spend most of their time trying to figure out what's going on instead of enjoying your story!

In this particular sentence, I see a few specific problems. I'm left wondering if this is all the same girl, or if we're talking about different people. Who helped the members of AEGIS? Who defeated the Gym Leaders? I should be able to read through this section very quickly and learn a lot about the girl.

Don't underestimate the power of a semi-colon! To English readers, a semi-colon may as well be a period. It issues a pause in between sections, and the reader takes time there to stop, think and realize what has just happened. Use semi-colons wisely though!

He opened the folder of the person who was his only link to Cyrus and the remnants of Team Galactic. This girl defeated the Team Galactic leader and his Commanders on top of Mount Coronet; she, during The Mt Coronot Incident, helped Cynthia, Champion of the Elite Four, and his fellow "members" of AEGIS; she, to top it all off, defeated seven of the eight Gym Leaders of Sinnoh in a mere thirteen months.

OK, on to the second part.

Dawn rested her head on her shoulder and threw her arms around her, digging her fingertips into the nurse's back, clenching the inexpensive fabric.

There are a few unnecessary details in here, and a bit more confusion.

Dawn rested whose head on whose shoulder? Who threw whose arms around who?

Is it important to know that the fabric is inexpensive? You have a very powerful moment here. Someone is crippled (your snippet doesn't make it clear who, but that's not important) and Dawn is incredibly shaken by it. Here, you want to grab your readers up and make them feel what Dawn feels. When you are in the throes of grief, do you stop to consider the quality of things around you? Most likely, you'll consider it's feel, it's texture, it's scent. Describe things as the person experiencing them would think of them.

Try to avoid unnecessary words. They often clutter a perfectly awesome sentence. "Had defeated", is a perfect example. You can get the exact same thought across by just saying "defeated". "Suddenly, something hit her." Something doesn't hit you gradually. It's repetetive to include "suddenly".

Returning to sentence length, this one is also a bit choppy

She remembered the times he fought with Altair, showing off his new techniques in a vainglorious attempt to prove his superiority, even as a Piplup which she found so adorable.

I can't make much out of this one. I lose it at "even as a Piplup".

The length and voice of your sentence will set the tone for the scene. You did an excellent job in these spots.

The faint tick-tock on the clock fell silent. Stretched across the brindled darkness of the sick room, she lay bereft of will.

I can feel the room. How quiet it is as Dawn takes in what she's just been told. How still the whole world becomes to her.

She had... sent an expecting mother out to fight. She... passed off the faded look in Trident's eyes as... as mere happenstance, and... and she her child... robbed a mother's precious blessing, her world, her... her happiness... of it's future... Trident put her child's life in her hands and... she had forsaken her. She had forsaken her best friend and... and her child, now, was...'"Why," she asked as her eyes swelled up with tears, "Why didn't I realize…"

She's frantic. The reader is really engaged by what is happening here. They can feel Dawn's despair and confusion. It drags out since it's all one, continuous thought, but that's alright. We see how jagged her thoughts are when she learns the news.