Man, I'm depressed.

[DarkInuLord]

It all started about a week ago.

One of my girlfriend's friends from school was doing one of those retarded webcam things (Like Stickam) and he told her to chat. She linked me to it, (Thank god.) and eventually he told her to get on her webcam. She did. Two minutes in he starts hitting on her, so I talk to her over MSN and tell her that her friend is pissing me off.

Now you see, she's got a mic too, and the stupid site had voice as well, so the guy running it goes "Why'd you get quiet all of a sudden?" and she says, and I quote. "My friend doesn't feel well." Now, that made me think "What the fuck?" you know, I can see being shy when we first started dating, I let it go without a word when she referred to me as "My friend." when talking to people.

But our anniversary was last month, the 29th, it's been over a year and she's still telling her FRIENDS that I'm just a FRIEND.

Okay, sure, that's not such a big deal, I'll let that go, just a little frustrated. Won't bring it up because she IS a shy person... Around me.

Well, five minutes later the guys in the channel are trying to get her to camwhore and act slutty like the fifteen year olds they're used to. Well she doesn't. (I really wish I could think it wasn't just because I was in the room, but that's really what I believe.)

Well since that day, she's been talking about wanting to look good for other guys at school. O...Kay... Fine, yeah it's a girl thing, self esteem and all that, even though I think she's beautiful no matter what, and doesn't need makeup or slutty clothes. I guess girls need more than just their boyfriend's opinion on it. I'll let that go.

Today, she starts talking about guys that she thinks are cute, and how she hugged one of them 'because he was sad'.

Right, sure, I'm fine with that, a friendly hu-- Wait what did you just say?

"HE probably doesn't like ME that way though." ... So what, you think of HIM as more than a friend?

For fuck's sake she's been talking about this guy at least once a week for about two months, and as far as I can tell he's just a loud, obnoxious 15 year old boy who does dumb things to try to act cool. She talks about how she thinks he's cute, and she "used to" have a crush on him. She says this like she thinks I forgot what she said a few months back.

It's sort of burned into my memory because of how bad it hurt when she said it.

"If Cole asked me out I might be tempted to say yes."

Gee, that was a thoughtful thing to say, surely that isn't going to hurt me at all, I mean, do I mean that little? We've dated a year now, does it mean nothing? I mean, I'm careful with what I even THINK because she gets mad/depressed if I say FF7 sucked, or that one of the characters is dumb and overly cliche. She gets upset when I say that the PS3 has no games, or that it'd be a waste of $599 US dollars to get one. Though it's completely alright to say something like that?

I mean, I asked her the other day, why do the opinions of OTHER guys matter more than MY opinion? She said "To make me feel better about myself." and I accepted that.

I might be reading too far into it, I mean, she's not slutty or anything, I'm her first boyfriend, and I've treated her well, I don't yell or even type in caps when talking to her. She's really closed to everyone, or so she says, but the way she talks about her male friends like that, she doesn't SEEM 'closed' like she is with me. She said she still doesn't fully trust me. IT'S BEEN A YEAR, but she wants me to trust her.

I've been cheated on once already, how could I trust anyone fully, ever again? Really, if she does just up and leave me for this bastard friend of hers, I swear to god I give up on all of humanity, since she's the only one who shares the same views as me on ANYTHING. EVERYONE disagrees with me, besides her. We like the same things, I mean, she's the only reason I set an alarm, she's been my muse for multiple stories and pictures, but it just seems like she's interested in everybody EXCEPT me. On MSN she'd rather talk to her 'friends' than me, and has completely ignored me for several hours while talking to other people, not even replying with a half hearted 'lol' after I type a full page, trying to get a conversation started.

Just... God... I have this friend, we sort of go to eachother for our relationship problems. (She's like 24 and her girlfriend is my age.) We're a lot alike, even our problems are similar. Our girlfriend's both seem more interested in everything else, even though we devote all of our time to them. Honestly? I really wish my girlfriend was more like her, but straight.

I've found myself thinking, on more than one occasion, that if she weren't a lesbian, and both of our girlfriends left us, I'd ask her to be my girlfriend. I mean, I know it's a weird thought, I'm not even attracted to her to be honest, and she's scary 90% of the time, but when she's being her real self, that's almost everything I"d want in a girlfriend.

But she has a lot of money, and I'm piss poor. Don't think it'd ever work, haha, that and I'm hoping for at least another year with my current girlfriend, and that I'm reading too far into everything that's going on.

You know, I try telling myself it's all my imagination, but it's not helping.

I should really have listened to my other friend when she said "Ah love, you don't know the terrible drug you're messing with."

And this rant only made me feel slightly better.

Edited May 8, 2008 by DarkInuLord

[cu-kid9]

You know, the last time you ranted about your GF, I thought to myself, "Yeah, I knew a girl like that once." She played games with guys' heads, got into relationships only to ignore her boyfriend to flirt with other guys in front of him (or behind his back and tell him about it later...and I'm really not sure what's worse), and let one of the best guys ever get away from her simply because she was doing that dumb girl thing. What is that thing anyway? I've never understood it even though I'm a girl (maybe this is why I don't get along with many girls...).

The thing that gets me is here you are being a good guy, trying to make things work, and she turns around and says she might consider dating another guy if he ever asked her out?! My gut response is to tell you to break up with her because those kind of head games are bullshit and no one should have to deal with them. All those things she says and does are immature, selfish, and disrespectful. I'm not trying to rag on her. I don't know anything about the situation other than what you've talked about, but something is seriously fishy when she won't even admit that she has a boyfriend.

Her thing with how she looks is just one of those things. She'll either grow out of it or be crazy about it forever. Really, she should want to look good for herself (and maybe for you ), but there isn't any reason she should be telling you that she wants to look good for other guys (disrespectful).

And surely she's not the only one out there that agrees with you on things. Not to mention, what fun is it if you agree on everything? Personally, I like being around people who have different views on things than I do - it makes conversations much more interesting (I even learn things sometimes). Sometimes I even play Devil's Advocate just to get into a debate over something.

There's a whole lot more I could say on this, but, honestly, it kind of aggravates me (not your rant, just the situation in general). I think I might actually be pissed off for you.

[canterro]

I think that making her uncertain about your attitude might work. It worked with me

It really makes me sober when I realize that the person I love (although I tend to forget about it sometimes) is not given once for forever... When I see that I can just lose someone because I behave not appropriately I immediately stop.

So it's better to let her know you don't like what's going on but stay cool, not showing too much emotions...

I'd be scared that you're slowly giving up on me. This is a good tactic to make the girl aware that she has to work on your relationship constantly as it won't last by itself

Good luck

[Saitochan]

I think that making her uncertain about your attitude might work.

I agree with canterro. Try acting a little like you don't care, to see what she does. If she dumps you and goes with some other guy, then I doubt she's worth a damn (sorry, I'm not trying to piss you off or anything, but that's the way I see it). Or, if you want to try a more direct approach, ask her to tell you exactly what she feels towards you. If she avoids the question, gives you one of those damned "I don't know" or even hesitates while giving you an answer, I'd seriously consider dumping her right away (OK, maybe I'm just a bit intolerant... never mind about the hesitation thing). It's just not worth it to give everything you got to a relationship that might be going nowhere.

You say she's only shy around you? Does she behave differently with her friends than she does around you? Mabye she IS just shy, or maybe she just can't get herself to trust you. Try talking with her best friend to see if he/she can help you out.

Maybe she's just looking for attention (probably), or using you for some end (I surely hope not, I hate it when that happens). I doubt she'd do all that if she really loved you, but human beings are really complicated, so I've got no way to be sure. There's not much more I can say... anyway, I hope it helped you out.

[greenwizard]

My advice... you deserve better. You had a rant of something she did a few months ago. Everyone told you she was going to do it again. Well, she just did it again. And this shit is just going to keep happening over and over again. The question you have to ask yourself is... is she really worth it?

I'm not trying to be mean, only honest. There really is something fishy about telling people you're her friend. And talking to you about other guys... She's probably trying to make you jealous. That isn't ever going to stop. And her feelings are NOT more important than you're own. Somebody constantly hurting you like this is not a relationship.

Sure, my boyfriend and I fight. We hurt each other sometimes. But then we make up. You don't seem like a bad guy to me. You're worth more than this. She's having her cake and eating it too by you letting her do this shit to you and not saying anything because it might upset her. YOU'RE UPSET. What she's doing is emotional abuse plain and simple. You aren't imagining things. Whether or not she's doing it because she's a manipulitive bitch, or is just too immature to be in a serious relationship I don't know because I don't know her. But either way, it doesn't sound like she's worth your time and energy.

[DarkInuLord]

I think that making her uncertain about your attitude might work. It worked with me

It really makes me sober when I realize that the person I love (although I tend to forget about it sometimes) is not given once for forever... When I see that I can just lose someone because I behave not appropriately I immediately stop.

So it's better to let her know you don't like what's going on but stay cool, not showing too much emotions...

I'd be scared that you're slowly giving up on me. This is a good tactic to make the girl aware that she has to work on your relationship constantly as it won't last by itself

Good luck

... I wish... Even after all of this, I don't want to lose her.

You say she's only shy around you? Does she behave differently with her friends than she does around you? Mabye she IS just shy, or maybe she just can't get herself to trust you. Try talking with her best friend to see if he/she can help you out.

Maybe she's just looking for attention (probably), or using you for some end (I surely hope not, I hate it when that happens). I doubt she'd do all that if she really loved you, but human beings are really complicated, so I've got no way to be sure. There's not much more I can say... anyway, I hope it helped you out.

She only seems to be shy around me, she's always so huggy and touchy with her friends, but really... Distant when we're alone.

I give her ALL of my attention, not even intentionally, but when she shows up I drop everything I'm doing just to talk to her.

My advice... you deserve better. You had a rant of something she did a few months ago. Everyone told you she was going to do it again. Well, she just did it again. And this shit is just going to keep happening over and over again. The question you have to ask yourself is... is she really worth it?

I think so... She's been there for me for a lot of things, and when she's not talking about other guys or some shit we have a lot of fun... When she finds the time to actually talk to me. We've been up some nights until 6AM just talking and laughing over mics online.

Sigh.... I don't even know if she'll get on after school to say hi today. She's going to help those guys she said were hot with a play. Yeah, makes me completely not paranoid, and she'll probably be gone until 10PM again.

[Saitochan]

She only seems to be shy around me, she's always so huggy and touchy with her friends, but really... Distant when we're alone.

I give her ALL of my attention, not even intentionally, but when she shows up I drop everything I'm doing just to talk to her.

I think so... She's been there for me for a lot of things, and when she's not talking about other guys or some shit we have a lot of fun... When she finds the time to actually talk to me. We've been up some nights until 6AM just talking and laughing over mics online.

Well... if that's how things are going, then let me suggest you something else. Tell her that you don't like how your relationship is going and just try to be friends with her. Maybe then she'll actually start treating you as a FRIEND instead of as... uhh, well, as whatever the hell she's treating you like now. If you have such a good time with her, but don't like her being so distant, try following my advice, and maybe find somebody else for a romantic relationship. Maybe then she'll stop making you jealous as well.

But believe me, I know how tough it can be to be "just friends" with a girl you like, especially if you've been together for a while. It's happened to me before (twice), and its not like I'm trying to depress you or anything, but it's been like taking a journey to hell (twice). But who knows? Maybe It'll work out better for you.

[DarkInuLord]

If we did become "Just friends" I'd just become more depressed, especially since she could get another boyfriend at the drop of a hat, without doing a thing. Yet it would probably take me months, if I was even trying. Even then, I don't think I could even trust anyone again.

[Shinju]

I'm so sorry you are depressed. I'm also kinda angry at your girlfriend. I mean, you either are the one for her or you are not. If she is not sure she should tell you so so you can move on and find someone who is worthy. She can't just keep you hanging on like some stray dog.

[DemonGoddess]

I think a good part of what you're dealing with is a fair bit of immaturity on her part. I agree with everyone else, you know. There's a time when it becomes more than enough, the behavior, and it either needs adjusted (i.e. she needs to grow up a bit), or you need to move on, no matter how much it hurts initially.

Playing mind games with someone who is in a relationship with another is just one of those things that points to the overall immaturity factor. Obviously, this girl isn't ready to commit to any form of a serious relationship, whether just dating or something more.

Then there's the distance you're saying she displays with you, but not her friends. If anything, it should be the other way around. If she's affectionate with her friends, she should be (in a healthy relationship) more affectionate with you privately. At the very least, she would be showing the same to you as to her friends.

Something else that you should consider, is that one should be as happy at being alone, and comfortable with themselves BY THEMSELVES, as they are when in a relationship. Because otherwise, then you'll find yourself in a relationship just because you don't want to be alone.

[cu-kid9]

Something else that you should consider, is that one should be as happy at being alone, and comfortable with themselves BY THEMSELVES, as they are when in a relationship. Because otherwise, then you'll find yourself in a relationship just because you don't want to be alone.

I don't know how many times I've told my friends this. It's heartbreaking to watch people jump from one crappy relationship to another just because they're terrified to be by themselves. It goes along with the whole, it's hard to love someone if you can't love yourself.

[greenwizard]

I think we all have our limits. I have a friend who was with an abusive husband for a long time. Then she left him when she caught him cheating. That doesn't make sense to me. As soon as a man raised a hand to me, not only would I have left, but I would have fought back.

You say you don't want to be just friends with her because it would hurt to watch her get a new boyfriend while you have no one. It really does sound like you are only still with her because you have low self esteem. You may not see it that way, but an unpartial third party can. If it helps, I don't think you're a bad guy. I think you really do deserve better.

[DarkInuLord]

... I love her, I really do, and I'm not just staying with her because I don't want to be alone. I want this to work, I want her to realize she's being immature and needs to work on things just like she asks me to. But then this whole subject came up just now, and I lol'ed.

"[18:41] <Grace> you pedo"

I'm still being called a pedo. D: Her birthday is in TWO DAYS, come on!

... :: Edit :: =/ She's been 'helping with a play' for three days now. The first day she got on before she had to go to it to say hi, and got on when she got back to say goodnight.

The second day she emailed me (From the play, apparently.) and said she was sorry she couldn't get on.

Today I didn't even get an email, and her birthday is the 11th, I really hope she's done with the 'play' by then so I can wish her a happy birthday. =/

Edited May 10, 2008 by DarkInuLord

[canterro]

Don't be the one who is begging and waiting for attention.

She will respect you only if you respect yourself.

Let her fight for you. And if she doesn't want to, give it up. I know you love her and it's not easy to let go... But the real relationship must be based on something more than one-sided effort. So check it out, think it through thoroughly, without lying to yourself. Try to judge her justly - maybe she behaves okay, but you feel uncertain? - and make a move. It'll geting worse and harder to give up with time and growing attachment.

Good luck

[Shinju]

Here's some practical advice, read and memorize The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene. Oh yeah, and never let her know that you read it.

[greenwizard]

I still say cut your losses now, but maybe I've been burned one to many times myself. But she really won't change unless you take some sort of action. You could always try confronting her. If she doesn't take you seriously, then she doesn't love you.

I know how it feels. I've been hurt too many times to count. No relationship is perfect, but there are signs to tell you when to get out. What if this Cole guy asks her out a few months down the line. She said herself she might go out with him. I'm not trying to make you more paranoid, but these are the things you have to consider. I don't trust easily either, so I understand completely what you're going through. You want to trust her. But from everything you've said, it doesn't sound to me like she's done anything to earn your trust.

Maybe breaking up with her will give her a major wake up call. Then maybe after she's matured a little, you can try it again. There is no law that says if you break up with her now you can never see her again. If she really does care for you at all, she'll go out with other guys and realize what she lost by playing mind games.

[DarkInuLord]

Maybe breaking up with her will give her a major wake up call. Then maybe after she's matured a little, you can try it again. There is no law that says if you break up with her now you can never see her again. If she really does care for you at all, she'll go out with other guys and realize what she lost by playing mind games.

The one thing that really keeps me believing she still loves me, and just doesn't think before she talks. She said that if I ever broke up with her she "Won't be able to find another guy like you." and well, yeah, that keeps me going.

It's just those small things she says every once in a while.

[DarkInuLord]

Double posting to vent a little...

Well I haven't heard from her at all in four days. But I remembered that her deviantart page is in my bookmarks and she sometimes messages me on there if she can't get online. Offline for: 2 days.

I haven't heard from her in 4. She was on 2 days ago but never said hi? Never even replied to my email? I mean, I'd understand if she just didn't message me on deviant art, and she used a computer without MSN on it, and couldn't get to a phone, and was stranded in a desert for four days, but my email was a reply to the one SHE sent me saying her internet was down. It's not like it's hard to type "Msn.com" and check your email... Sigh, I think she's avoiding me, I'm expecting her to do something where she doesn't have to face me personally, like email me or text message me from her new boyfriend's cellphone saying she's breaking up with me. =_= That's how it worked last time. "Oh hi, I don't think we're working ou-- No babe it's no one, shhh. I don't think we're working out, bye." I'm expecting something like that again.

[hellagoddess]

To be completely honest, it doesn't sound that good.

My thoughts on the subject had changed as I read each post from the start. Originally I thought she might be having thoughts about other guys, but was onto it enough to stay with the nicer one, however after your last post - I think...well...it's more a case of cutting your losses and leaving her before she leaves you.

I could possibly understand her behaviour because she's young and immature and if the relationship length had been shorter - then it wouldn't be such a thing to worry about. But you've been dating for a year - that shows a stronger attachment and therefore makes her behaviour far more serious.

Though I've been single for almost 7 years now, I still remember what it's like - and no contact for 4 days to someone you're supposed to have an intimate relationship with? That tells me she's found something else to be interested in. I'm sure you're fantastic (so don't blame yourself for this, no matter what you do), but some girls can't help but be bitches. Sorry man, that's just my opinions. Hopefully I'll be wrong.

[greenwizard]

Yeah, it does sound like one of those guys she was talking about asked her out. And don't take this personally. You do seem like a great guy, and it really is her loss. She's just too immature to realize what she has.

[Saitochan]

Sigh, I think she's avoiding me, I'm expecting her to do something where she doesn't have to face me personally, like email me or text message me from her new boyfriend's cellphone saying she's breaking up with me. =_= That's how it worked last time. "Oh hi, I don't think we're working ou-- No babe it's no one, shhh. I don't think we're working out, bye." I'm expecting something like that again.

Man, I totally get what you're saying. Last time I was in love, the girl I wanted kept avoiding me, but I just couldn't figure out why. So in the end, I gave her what she wanted and just walked away. Been alone ever since.

But... what the hell do you mean by 'last time'? Has she done such a cold and cowardly thing to you before? I sure hope you're talking about your previous girlfriend, because if you're not, then your actual girlfriend is a bigger bitch than I originally thought.

[DarkInuLord]

Man, I totally get what you're saying. Last time I was in love, the girl I wanted kept avoiding me, but I just couldn't figure out why. So in the end, I gave her what she wanted and just walked away. Been alone ever since.

But... what the hell do you mean by 'last time'? Has she done such a cold and cowardly thing to you before? I sure hope you're talking about your previous girlfriend, because if you're not, then your actual girlfriend is a bigger bitch than I originally thought.

Past girlfriend, I was 15, she cheated on me with an 18 year old mexican guy because he bought her cigarettes. Shit sucks.

=/ I really hope this girlfriend's internet really is down, probably didn't pay the bill or something, but I haven't seen her since the second day she was 'helping with a play', and she emailed me once, from the 'play'. After talking about how cute one of the guys was.

So I'm really worried about it.

[cu-kid9]

=/ I really hope this girlfriend's internet really is down, probably didn't pay the bill or something, but I haven't seen her since the second day she was 'helping with a play', and she emailed me once, from the 'play'. After talking about how cute one of the guys was.

So I'm really worried about it.

I guess I just don't understand why you tolerate this sort of behavior from her. Four days? I'm all about having space in a relationship, but honestly. Even I would at least expect a phone call. I wouldn't be worried about it - I would be furious (well, maybe not furious...but probably really freakin' mad). I'm not saying that you should be controlling or jealous. But, since she obviously doesn't get how a relationship works and has no respect for your feelings, I would definitely establish boundaries (for both of you of course)...would have established boundaries, anyway. At this point, I'm not really sure if saying, "Hey, look, you can't just leave me hanging for four days without even a 'Still alive, love ya,'" is going to help. It seems that she's pretty much figured out that doing what she does is okay (did you even get to talk to her on her birthday?).

If I sound harsh, I apologize. I just wrapped up a conversation with a friend of mine and, after hearing "I don't get why she just can't love me!" for three hours, I'm a little anti people who treat their significant others with so little regard

[DarkInuLord]

Yeah, I never got a hello on her birthday, I emailed her like twice.

And she didn't even have her friend say hi, which she probably would have if her internet was really down.

[canterro]

Uhm... what about making a move first?

It hurts less, I suppose.

Think, judge, and decide. Maybe you should end this before she does? You'd see her reaction, by the way.

I don't persuade you to do that, I just think that you should consider it.

Emotions are emotions; they are strong, they overwhelm us sometimes, but they don't kill. It's your reason that will tell you if it's worth continuing.

Take care