Metroid: Descent Review Reply Thread

[evilcarebear]

Apparently I'm not supposed to review my own story, so I made this thread instead. I do find it funny that HunterOpera and I had the same problem at the same time though, I know that feel bro.

This story started as being purely for myself because I wanted to write my ideal Metroid porn story, since I couldn't find one already written. Well, that's not entirely true, Metroid: Downfall was near perfect to me, but the author has apparently stopped. You may have noticed the subtle similarities in the titles. I have never understood why on one (that I know of anyway) has done the most obvious and basic story for Samus: captured by enemies, and like all good porn villains they get their revenge through sex.

To anyone who is curious about my update schedule, it's kind of sporadic. I only write when I'm in the mood to write, otherwise it comes out painfully forced like my high school essays. Even then, I usually only write about scenes that I want to write about at the time, so this leads to a lot of scenes that I know the general order of, but need to connect later. These scenes are also usually not going to happen in the upcoming chapter, so this leads to a lot of half completed future chapters with disconnected scenes. Don't worry, it'll all make sense in the end, trust me I'm a fanfiction writer.

Speaking of which, this is my fanfiction ever, so everything I'm doing is experimental. In light of that, any and all constructive criticism is much appreciated. I'm hoping to improve by the time I get to later chapters, those are going to be very fun and I want to do them well. I know I have problems with comma splices and I have never fully understood the rules of how to punctuate around dialogue, but I hope it doesn't distract anyone.

On to the actual point of this thread!

DrkVrtx 2012-07-14 id # 3000046189 I think I'm gonna keep on eye on both versions of this, it'll be interesting to see how and where they differ. I'm assuming Melissa is going to pound Samus into submission...hehe

Yeah...that was the original plan, but I underestimated how much time having to write two stories would take. Also, I have no clear long term plans for the clean version, whereas I have the entire smut version planned out...mostly.

JViper 2012-07-14 id # 3000046191 Interesting build-up. Still, I'll wait for more to come as this first, as you said, was all setup and very little sexiness. Not even a description besides my memories of the characters is not what I expect on this side of fics. But this could be a good thing.

Descriptions is something else I can skip over easily if I don't think about it. If I can see it clearly in my head, why can't you audience!?

DrkVrtx 2012-07-16 id # 3000046215 Ah, the shower scene. I've read quite a few of these in my time lol. Still, if it works.

Liked the description of the Zero Suit, particularly you're reasoning as to why it's called 'Zero'. Don't think I've come across that particular explanation before, but it works quite well actually. One thing that seemed a bit strange was Samus being suddenly bothered by overhearing the two women when you established that she cared little for human social norms. Of course, it ties into the reasoning of why she would then wearing the Power Suit everywhere, but it still seems a little...off, so to speak.

I'd personally suggest spacing out chapter updates, just so that you have a legitimate way of keeping your fic on the front page consistently. More potential views/reviews/etc.

Yes, I took the easy way out. In truth I wanted some kind of smut in the chapter since two chapter without would be kinda weird and going all the way to be end of chapter 3 would have been loooong. The Zero Suit thing just came to me in a vision while I was mediating on a mountain. But seriously, as I was writing I was just trying to justify why the Zero Suit existed at all and I liked that idea the best. As for the overhearing the woman thing, I agree it was really out of character. I was tired and wanted to finish the chapter before my internet cut out. That is why I meant by weird forced writing earlier. If you didn't re-read the chapter, I replaced the scene.

HunterOpera 2012-07-18 id # 3000046234 Well, this is damn interesting so far.

If you ever wanna talk a little shop, let me know.

It's always good to know someone is interested. I honestly have no idea how to contact you. This is the only way I know, but it's not the most efficient method.

[HunterOpera]

As far as efficiency goes this isn't ideal, but it does let more voices get in on the conversation and that's always a plus.

I'm equally amused that we ended up here at about the same time. Bitamin/Porneater and I were workshopping Downfall ages ago - back when I was fairly certain I couldn't write smut and had little reason to try - but my desktop crashed since then and I've lost the details for that story. Sad, but true.

Do you skeleton your stories or have a general layout?

[evilcarebear]

That is indeed very sad, I had always hoped that story would update at some point.

As for planning out my story, yes I have a general outline that I made before the first chapter. In truth it's more of a working outline. If I think of something I want to incorporate or I think of a better idea, I'll move stuff around to make it make sense in the story line. However, there are certain main events that will happen no matter what, most of what I change is the order they happen or how they connect. The only thing I'm not sure of right now is how to end it, it's kind of up in the air right now.

What about you, just have a general idea in your head and go or write something down? Also, did you get into a writing binge recently or have some chapters stored up?

[HunterOpera]

I finished another novel and caught up with most of the my editing, and there were some techniques I wanted to experiment with before moving on to the next set of books; I'm finding that this is a really good way to fiddle around with story in a way that I'm not so used to. Fanfiction smut - who knew?

The Bergman Affair started out with a name, a concept, and a hatred of the story in the Other M. I liked a lot of the concepts and characters introduced in that game (and the gameplay itself, mostly), but I despised the execution of the narrative and wanted to play around with it a little. From there I looked at some of the baseline elements of Metroid itself - the enemies, landscapes, and themes that were part of the franchise.

So, right off the bat I knew I needed to depower Samus, that Samus had to be isolated and forced to explore somewhere she knew nothing about, and that she would have to rely on herself to grow more powerful as the story continued. There's no Chozo tech here, so she's being forced to rely on more primitive technology in my take on things. I also knew that each area would need a boss battle, but that I could play around with that a little...

After that I decided to look at things from Melissa's viewpoint, the idea of using pleasure instead of pain to conquer. This did have to be smut because I'm not comfortable writing smut and my previous efforts in that area have been terrible at best. I like to think it's working this time, which is why feedback is so important (special thanks to JViper and Drkvrtx, you guys rule).

Scenes were plotted around individual enemies for the Smut, though they've changed in the writing. The characters often do unexpected things, too, especially in the core plots - Dare was never supposed to pop up, and the Krikens were completely unexpected in the last chapter. I know where this story ends, but getting there is going to be a whole other kettle of fish, and if the story's end changes because of the story that happens I'll run with that.

I've got some research to do before I start the next book and I'm going to try and finish the Cavern scenes before that happens. Initially that was supposed to be a single additional chapter - boss fight, so to speak - but now it looks like it's going to be two chapters.

Ridley, when I get to him, will be at least three.

I'm kinda looking forward to where you're going with your story.

What've you got planned?

[evilcarebear]

Novels!? Longest thing I've ever written was a research paper last semester, though this is quickly catching up in length.

I initially planned to have pirates/Ridley get to her first through some form of trap, but decided it was too mainstream of an idea once I considered Melissa.

I was trying to make Melissa into someone who basically sees no hope in her life now and only seeks to ruin the lives of those she sees at fault for her ruined life by any means. Basically a foil for how I plan for Samus to deal with the situations she will go through.

Also a bonus of using her, since she has some of Mother Brain's AI (as I understood it, was a bit confusing to me) she should be able to understand Chozo tech and manipulate it. This can easily be used to depower Samus if she can study a Chozo upgrade, which as you said is very necessary.

As far as what is planned in the future, lets just say she passed to a few different enemies. This should happen first around chapter 5, then again around chapter 7, then a bunch of times after that (debating exactly how many I'll go into here) before finally landing with the last one who should have at least 4 chapters. I know I'm probably being annoyingly vague, After him I have a few possible endings in mind, basically either bittersweet ending or happy times ending.

On a completely unrelated note, while writing a few scenes for chapter 4, I discovered why having the villain explain their plans and how they did it is so popular, it's just too damn convenient a way to explain it. Needless to say, Melissa will probably fit the archetype of a typical Bond villain in that chapter.

[HunterOpera]

I see Melissa as being inherently entropic in outlook, too - her plans, I think, would involve ruining other people more than gaining anything for herself. I'm running with the theory that Melissa is a mental clone of Mother Brain and a physical clone of Samus; she lacks Mother Brain's memory but has her psychic power and intellect, but is now stuck with a physical body with standard human senses. Given that the Chozo made Mother Brain (the canaries really get around), it makes perfect sense that Melissa would be able to grasp and understand their technology in a way that the Zebesians never could.

Your Samus and mine seem to have a lot in common and little to do with the personality depicted in Other M, which I think says a lot about her having a perfectly reasoned and reasonable persona prior to that game. It also means we're treating her better than Other M did.

Which games are you drawing from? I'm going with as much of the mythos as makes sense for my narrative, which is why Dare is in there, and Keaton, and Sylux. I'll get to Noxus soon and maybe Gandrayda, but it's Ridley I'm most concerned about. I need to make certain that he's terrifying, so here's hoping. I should have the first bit of the final cavern chapter up this weekend - what's your update schedule look like?

And, yeah, the monologue is convenient and a good tool, and it works with a certain kind of grandiose villain. Melissa functions with it for the simple reason of intelligence - she wants you to know that she's smarter than you, but she also believes that there's nothing you can do to stop her. She's also, in many ways, a perfect foil for Samus.

Have you read Alyxcaptor's Metroid comics over on DeviantArt?

[evilcarebear]

Most of my knowledge of Metroid comes from the Prime series, never played any of the earlier ones. (I know, I'll set up the stake to burn me on) I was planning to incorporate all of the other hunters from those games, space pirates/Ridley (of course), a few of the basic enemies from the games, and an entire 'arc' will be entirely outside of any established Metroid lore, just something I assume would exist in that universe.

My take on Samus' view of Ridley is a combination of intense fear and hatred. It's something she struggles with daily (I hinted at it in chapter 1 with the scrunchie reminding her of her home planet, and thus Ridley destroying it) but to see Ridley in front of her would easily make her lose it. If I had written the Ridley scene in Other M, she would have been shocked at first of course (she did see him die on a planet that blew up after all) before quickly setting into a single minded need to kill Ridley at any cost. The end of the fight being Samus using a power bomb to finish a wounded Ridley off despite the protests of Anthony/Adam telling her it would destroy the room. She would be the direct cause of the destruction and Anthony's supposed death (him surviving still doesn't sit well with me) and she would take it as further proof as to why she needs to isolate herself.

And yes, I have actually seen his comics. I think he does a great job given the limitations of gmod (using head swapping to have a pseudo nude Samus model was clever). I like his presentation of Samus' personality, though he does seem to change how powerful she is to fit with plot points. Overall I enjoy it, look forward to when he continues it.

Another comic I find hilarious is called Systems of Entertainment by HeartGear on deviantart.

[HunterOpera]

The Prime games were awesome. I'd recommend adding Zero Mission, Super, and Fusion to that list, as all of them were awesome. I look forward to seeing what you come up with as an extension to your Metroid mythos - there's been some incredibly creative takes on Metroid fiction that I've read in the past that add to the story and feel, so hit us with what you've got. I also dig your take on the Ridley/Samus battle from Other M. Run with that as opposed to canon - your idea is better than what was in that game.

I loathe the way they told the story in that game so very much.

He's apparently going to start season two near the end of this month, which is something I'm looking far too forward to. And SoE is goddamn brilliant; that Koopa watching over Samus is a great little foil for her.

[evilcarebear]

What was the original purpose of this thread? Oh yeah.

JViper 2012-08-12 id # 3000046389

Well good Sir, I stand corrected.

Not only your description was good, but you managed to even start the action in high gear. Just wished there were more action with Samus zer suit. I mean, the soldiers just went straight to take it off of her. No rubbing, grinding, humping or anything =( I guess that's just my fetishes taking over. Otherwise, the story is coming along very nicely and I'm intrigued as to where this is going so I won't be reading the ff.net version at least until this is over.

Thanks for the good read and keep'em coming.

I really tried to pay attention to the descriptions, so it's good to hear you enjoyed them. Funny thing about the Zero-Suit, I debated about it disappearing or having the soldiers remove it, but in the end continuity won. I already established the Zero-Suit worked the same way the power suit did with the mental link (I don't see another way of getting it on or removing it honestly) so if one went the other had to go with it. This story won't finish for a while, based on my current pace I would say at least 5 months. Thanks for reviewing and don't worry, I intend to finish this no matter how long it takes.