Metroid - the Bergman Affair feedback, comments, and workshopping

[HunterOpera]

Regarding Hermione Granger and the Bastet Collar, MorbidFantasy said:

Just read the HP fic. Been putting it off because HP fanfics aren't part of my regular reads.
But ended up enjoying your piece immensely. Especially liked the latest twist that had Ginny being more than meets the eye.

Thanks, man. Was written as a favor to a friend, though it was fun to write and I might come back and write some more. The intention was to wrap it up with the fifth chapter and move on to other things - I've got that Street Fighter thing going (another favor), an idea for a fairly involved Utena story (massive fan of that anime), and some other small ideas on the backburner.

I also have a lot of editing and proper writing to do; half a novel has to be replotted and I wanna have that done in the next few days, but after that I've got four days of semi-vacation. We'll see where that takes us.

[Guest Guest]

Glad to see another update! I really like seeing Samus dish out some well deserved ass kicking, definitely overdue. That said, how much is left in the story? She's not exactly at her strongest right now what with her recent physical and mental torture, lack of allies, and now being robbed of her hearing. She's not out of the jungle yet and I can still see her getting thrown a hefty curve ball.

Also, I've been wondering this for a while and have to ask, what exactly is the status of Samus' power armor? I know she lost it at the beginning, classic Samus, but how does she get it back? I'm not sure if it's willed on, if she needs to physically find a suit and jump in it, or if she needs to find some sort of Chozo artifact to get it back... the rules surrounding her power armor we're never really clear to me (even in the games, mind you) and I'd appreciate an explanation.

I'm constantly checking for updates even if I don't write anything, looking forward to more!

[HunterOpera]

Glad to see another update! I really like seeing Samus dish out some well deserved ass kicking, definitely overdue. That said, how much is left in the story? She's not exactly at her strongest right now what with her recent physical and mental torture, lack of allies, and now being robbed of her hearing. She's not out of the jungle yet and I can still see her getting thrown a hefty curve ball.

Also, I've been wondering this for a while and have to ask, what exactly is the status of Samus' power armor? I know she lost it at the beginning, classic Samus, but how does she get it back? I'm not sure if it's willed on, if she needs to physically find a suit and jump in it, or if she needs to find some sort of Chozo artifact to get it back... the rules surrounding her power armor we're never really clear to me (even in the games, mind you) and I'd appreciate an explanation.

I'm constantly checking for updates even if I don't write anything, looking forward to more!

I figure she needs to blow off some steam. Also, it's Metroid - Samus is the only thing capable of stopping Ridley, though there might by other things capable of slowing him down. I'm really hoping that whole thing with him worked.

The desert arc was the halfway point - there's three arcs left, plus an epilogue. The woods are long past her, but Samus is still in a world of trouble and things are still going to go wrong for her. Melissa's got a whole whack of tricks up her sleeve still, and Samus is at a pretty massive disadvantage, but we'll get to that soon enough.

As far as I can tell, Chozo technology has a psychic component that makes it largely unusable to non-Chozo. They used nano-technology powered by will to make their machines work, which makes the suit is a psychic projection shaped by technology. Think of the zerosuit as a fetish (in the occult sense) - something that looks harmless, but if energy is channeled through it properly it allows certain things to manifest.

The thing manifested, in this case, is a suit of armor that can be improved with the application of other bits of dormant psy-technology.

I very badly need coffee right now. If that doesn't make sense, let me know and I'll aim for a longer (and hopefully more coherent) explanation.

and crafted through technology that lays dormant in the zerosuit until used.

[Guest Relativeh]

Chapter 32 was really well done. Always great to see updates to this story, really looking forward to the next chapter.

Really think you have the characters in the Metroid universe pinned down, and you've communicated that very well throughout the story. The plot moves along without bogging down and the situations all make sense and are honest to the characters themselves, which is a rare thing to see.

Not really a criticism, just an observation; sometimes I feel you hurry through certain sections that could be expanded with more detail. This may be for pacing reasons, but as an example of a story that makes excellent use of description while balancing it with other factors I'd point to the second half of the first chapter of Metroid Downfall:

http://www.hentai-foundry.com/stories/user/Vincent86/6678/Metroid-Downfall

The thing manifested, in this case, is a suit of armor that can be improved with the application of other bits of dormant psy-technology

Given MB's use of psychic control and manipulation, is this something we can look forward to her exploiting against Samus in the future?

[HunterOpera]

Chapter 32 was really well done. Always great to see updates to this story, really looking forward to the next chapter.

Really think you have the characters in the Metroid universe pinned down, and you've communicated that very well throughout the story. The plot moves along without bogging down and the situations all make sense and are honest to the characters themselves, which is a rare thing to see.

Not really a criticism, just an observation; sometimes I feel you hurry through certain sections that could be expanded with more detail. This may be for pacing reasons, but as an example of a story that makes excellent use of description while balancing it with other factors I'd point to the second half of the first chapter of Metroid Downfall:

http://www.hentai-foundry.com/stories/user/Vincent86/6678/Metroid-Downfall

Given MB's use of psychic control and manipulation, is this something we can look forward to her exploiting against Samus in the future?

Thank you. It's nice to know when the stuff I'm experimenting with actually works, and it's massively helpful to me.

I've always thought it's kind of important to get into a character's head when writing that character; I might not agree with the characters I'm writing, but they believe that what they're doing is right and if I can't get that across then I'm failing that character. I'm currently playing in someone else's sandbox, so it only seems fair to treat that sandbox with a certain amount of respect and decorum... which Other M failed to do. I'm glad that's coming across, too, because it means I'm doing my job as a writer.

Porneater was a great writer and I miss him. We actually talked about that story way back when, and his leaving was actually one of the things that got me moving on Bergman. What portions do you think I'm rushing through or need more description of? I've been trying to keep this balanced, so if I'm letting stuff slide I'd like to know where so I can fix the problem.

As to MB's psychic prowess, well, yes. She's already been assaulting Samus throughout the story - the Kaayes are basically transferring and amplifying her already terrifying power. Mother Brain could control the ecosystems of entire planets and tally the strategies and movements of entire starfleets. It stands to reason that MB's powers would be less than that, given that she's a flawed copy of Chozo engineering, but she'd still be comparable.

But we'll get to that.

[Guest Relativeh]

Thank you. It's nice to know when the stuff I'm experimenting with actually works, and it's massively helpful to me.

I've always thought it's kind of important to get into a character's head when writing that character; I might not agree with the characters I'm writing, but they believe that what they're doing is right and if I can't get that across then I'm failing that character. I'm currently playing in someone else's sandbox, so it only seems fair to treat that sandbox with a certain amount of respect and decorum... which Other M failed to do. I'm glad that's coming across, too, because it means I'm doing my job as a writer.

Porneater was a great writer and I miss him. We actually talked about that story way back when, and his leaving was actually one of the things that got me moving on Bergman. What portions do you think I'm rushing through or need more description of? I've been trying to keep this balanced, so if I'm letting stuff slide I'd like to know where so I can fix the problem.

As to MB's psychic prowess, well, yes. She's already been assaulting Samus throughout the story - the Kaayes are basically transferring and amplifying her already terrifying power. Mother Brain could control the ecosystems of entire planets and tally the strategies and movements of entire starfleets. It stands to reason that MB's powers would be less than that, given that she's a flawed copy of Chozo engineering, but she'd still be comparable.

But we'll get to that.

To be honest, you've been able to detail many of the antagonists better than the source material does. I had no clue about the backgrounds and personalities of Ridley, Brannigan, and Melissa before this series. Your construction of the characters and their nuances of speech and personality have really brought them to life. As a whole, the story feels very firmly grounded in a living, breathing world.

I brought up Metroid: Downfall because, in terms of its descriptive approach, it sits at the extreme end of the spectrum. It takes a sequence that could have been described in a dozen sentences and details it across several thousand words. It works exceptionally well, but it's probably not a coincidence the author ran out of steam after two chapters.

Furthermore, whatever plot he planned out never gets a chance to develop. If the ongoing, multi-faceted story you've put together followed the same style, the end result would probably be gigantic, and impossible to read.

That said, I am a big fan of that kind of descriptive style, though I have no idea how to fit it into a story without bogging the pace down. In terms of pacing, I think the idea a moment went by too fast only flagged itself up to me a couple of times. Once, in an earlier chapter when Brannigan finally captures Samus, and then in this most recent chapter.

Melissa has been watching Samus' travels across the planet for a long time now. In the latest chapter, she finally (and literally) gets her hands on her, and maybe that was a moment that could have been drawn out more, given its significance to at least one of the characters. If the perspective character is experiencing that situation in minute detail, it's probably safe for the reader to as well

Then again, it's hard to judge this without knowing what's coming. Maybe there's something much bigger coming further down the line, and this was simply a teaser!

And, as a big fan of situations where a character's greatest strengths become their weaknesses, I'll be very interested to see what comes out of this psy-technology/suit talk!

[Guest Relativeh]

Hmm. It wasn't the a Brannigan chapter I was thinking of, sorry. Will have to go back and find it at some point...

[Guest Relativeh]

Oh, this got cut off from the end of the post for some reason, but the conclusion was that I'm a huge fan of your writing and really looking forward to seeing more of it!

[HunterOpera]

To be honest, you've been able to detail many of the antagonists better than the source material does. I had no clue about the backgrounds and personalities of Ridley, Brannigan, and Melissa before this series. Your construction of the characters and their nuances of speech and personality have really brought them to life. As a whole, the story feels very firmly grounded in a living, breathing world.

I brought up Metroid: Downfall because, in terms of its descriptive approach, it sits at the extreme end of the spectrum. It takes a sequence that could have been described in a dozen sentences and details it across several thousand words. It works exceptionally well, but it's probably not a coincidence the author ran out of steam after two chapters.

Furthermore, whatever plot he planned out never gets a chance to develop. If the ongoing, multi-faceted story you've put together followed the same style, the end result would probably be gigantic, and impossible to read.

That said, I am a big fan of that kind of descriptive style, though I have no idea how to fit it into a story without bogging the pace down. In terms of pacing, I think the idea a moment went by too fast only flagged itself up to me a couple of times. Once, in an earlier chapter when Brannigan finally captures Samus, and then in this most recent chapter.

Melissa has been watching Samus' travels across the planet for a long time now. In the latest chapter, she finally (and literally) gets her hands on her, and maybe that was a moment that could have been drawn out more, given its significance to at least one of the characters. If the perspective character is experiencing that situation in minute detail, it's probably safe for the reader to as well

Then again, it's hard to judge this without knowing what's coming. Maybe there's something much bigger coming further down the line, and this was simply a teaser!

And, as a big fan of situations where a character's greatest strengths become their weaknesses, I'll be very interested to see what comes out of this psy-technology/suit talk!

Thanks; I've been trying to make sense of things within the Metroid universe and following things to their logical conclusions. The antagonists in particular were tricky, given that Samus has a tendency to obliterate whatever happens to be in her path, but I wanted to draw on characters that were already developed and follow their paths to logical conclusions, or the nearest thing I can think of. I like to think I'm treating the source material with respect, even if the characters are having a rough go of it.

Ridley has no set background; all we really know is that he's immortal and older than Samus, with hints of him being older than maybe even the Chozo. We do know that he's pretty much evil and madness incarnate, and that he's happy to sacrifice the lives of those following him if it means he gets to kill more things. The idea of him being a malignant thought-virus came from Other M and is, I think, a better explanation of what he is than the idea of that Little Birdle thing they had running around. That game made so little sense... Melissa alone, as a concept, deserved so much more than what that game gave her.

As for Brannigan, I knew I wanted to throw in a failed Hunter from the outset, and I remembered reading about him way back in Nintendo Power. He seemed a good fit, and I needed away for him to survive; in canon, he's actually fed to the Metroids after failing to capture and hold Samus. The idea of Melissa having some instinctual access to some of what Mother Brain knew, and remembering Brannigan because of it, became an idea that made him even more interesting as someone to pick up.

Which brings us to Melissa. She's fascinating, tragic, and terrifying. Her insanity and inability to handle her sense, to say nothing of her intelligence, emotions, and psychic power, makes her one of the most fun characters to right in this whole saga. I'm as interested in seeing where she takes all this as you are; again, I have a general idea of where this is going, but it keeps flitting in all sorts of weird directions.

It's good that this feels like a living, breathing world. Means I'm doing my job as a writer, which is the most important part of this exercise. The techniques I'm mucking about with here are working, which means they should work elsewhere.

Over-description can kill a story damn quick, especially of physical acts. It's the emotional impact that I find has a greater pull on people, so I tend to aim for that - though there are times when dwelling on the physical makes for a more dramatic, and therefore better, approach. It's a difficult line to walk along, and I've ended up writing and re-writing entire scenes because of it. I need them to work and take the story in new directions, so I'm not just repeating myself endlessly.

Length also becomes important. I try to keep these things short, like five to six hundred words per scene (which I'm failing at pretty severely). I wanted to limit the chapters to fifteen hundred words to make them easier to read and easier to write, but Plot keeps happening and I keep having to balance out characterization with smut and action. Brevity is the soul of wit; I really don't want to waste anyone's time, but there's a lot of story to tell and a lot of things to keep balanced and flowing. It's actually kinda fun.

It was important, I think, to give Samus a chance to fight again.

That said, I think I still have the plot skeleton for Downfall somewhere. I might actually end up dusting that off and exploring it as a follow up to the Bergman Affair, if there's interest and if PornEater wouldn't mind. There's some other directions I could take that story in now, and it might be fun to write that out once this is done. We'll see.

I'd agree that the moment of Melissa finally getting her hands on Samus being one of importance, and one worthy of exploration. We'll get to that, believe me, but this wasn't the time to do it. In terms of character, Melissa is worried about Ridley and needs to deal with the Hunter before she can put the things in place that she needs to keep him away. Out of character, I knew that Samus was going to get away and I didn't want to betray reader expectation. Anti-climaxes can be a rollicking good time, but I've got a few of those planned and we've had a few happen. Better to space them out, and make sure that those moments that should matter, do.

As for all talk of psychic power in general, and Samus' control of the suit in particular, I reserve the right to laugh maniacally later.

Really glad you're liking this. Your feedback is invaluable for the actual writing I'm currently doing. I'll try and get some more of this done when real life isn't completely insane (it is right now, but all in good ways); I'd like to at least be through this arc before the new year.

[Guest Guest]

So is Chapter 32 the last one?

[HunterOpera]

So is Chapter 32 the last one?

Nope, we're far from done. We're just starting this arc.

I'd love to tell you how many chapters are left, but this story has taken on a life if it's own. It was only supposed to be twenty-four chapters long initially, but now I'll be lucky if I'm done by forty. It's doing all kinds of things I didn't expect, which is fun and lets me know I'm doing this properly.

There's two arcs left after this one, and an outro/epilogue. That's what's planned.

[MorbidFantasy]

looking forward to what else you plan on doing to Samus, hehe.

[HunterOpera]

looking forward to what else you plan on doing to Samus, hehe.

So am I. Melissa, Damara, and Madeline have to be in a position to do things to her first, but we'll get to that.

[Guest Sheeps]

Whatever happened to PornEater? He said he was working on part 3 for Downfall and then he just disappeared off AFF and HF without any notice. Damn shame if he's really gone for good, Downfall is brilliant and I've actually been keeping my hopes up that he'd come back to pick up where he left off.

[DemonGoddess]

He posted this to his profile in March

• Bio
  

  28/03/2012: I'm probably not gonna write any more porn stories from now on. It just seems like a waste of time to me now, sorry to any fans I may have had.

[MorbidFantasy]

He posted this to his profile in March

That's very upsetting.

I have a feeling that's what happened to Wierdmeijin too, when he took down his "The Fifth's Long Week" story, which was one of my favs on AFF.

I do get that some authors not only grow tired of writing fanfiction, but also grow to dislike their previous work so remove them from the site for that reason. I myself garner a lot of scorn for my earlier works on this site even though I don't take them down.

[DemonGoddess]

Wierdmeijin hasn't been active for years. Not sure why

[Guest Zippy]

Here's to hoping The Bergman Affair gets a special Christmas update Very excited to see the chapter number climb up from 32, especially with all the teasers from the author here!

[HunterOpera]

Here's to hoping The Bergman Affair gets a special Christmas update Very excited to see the chapter number climb up from 32, especially with all the teasers from the author here!

Sorry for the delay. Been working ninety hour weeks for the past couple months, and it's been driving me a little crazy(ier). Looking at updating soon, presumably after I have a chance to sleep.

I miss sleep.

[HunterOpera]

Regarding the Bergman Affair, MorbidFantasy wrote:

Still awaiting an update to this excellent fic. It seems as though Lara has seen the worst (Ridley's torture). I wonder if you're going to up the ante somehow or maybe focus on undoing the psychological indoctrination now, or keep it around as a lingering aftereffect. Would love to hear from you in the forums in any case.
Cheers.

The idea from here is to get into lingering psychological and psychic indoctrination, with physical reinforcement of a proscribed roll - provided that Damara, Melissa, and Madeline can recapture a very angry and capable Samus and protect themselves from suffering another Ridley incursion. We've also got to move back to Daibon and see what's going on with Keatan, Mia Xen, and all their friends. The worst part is that I've got the next few chapters skeletoned and haven't had time to flesh them out properly.

I need to take a day and just write; I will try and be a little more active on the forums, though.

[Guest Relativeh]

Can't remember if this was mentioned before, but really like the way the later part of Samus' journey is an inversion of her usual progression through Metroid games. In Super Metroid, Metroid Prime, et al she's used to incrementaly becoming more agile and more powerful; higher jumping, grappling hooks, and gadgets like the morph ball. In the Bergman Affair, at every defeat she suffers after emerging from the cave she is gradually restricted, losing all her previous abilities and mobility. The reversal is really well done!

[HunterOpera]

Can't remember if this was mentioned before, but really like the way the later part of Samus' journey is an inversion of her usual progression through Metroid games. In Super Metroid, Metroid Prime, et al she's used to incrementaly becoming more agile and more powerful; higher jumping, grappling hooks, and gadgets like the morph ball. In the Bergman Affair, at every defeat she suffers after emerging from the cave she is gradually restricted, losing all her previous abilities and mobility. The reversal is really well done!

Thank you. It's something I tried to work into the narrative flow, so I'm glad that's been noticed. Every arc was designed to be an inversion of a Metroid trope/s. There's only a couple I'm not willing to bend: (1) that Samus is the only thing that beats Ridley, and (2) Samus always wins eventually.

[MorbidFantasy]

Hey Yo! Nice to see you active again Hunter. So when's the next chapter coming out? I know I'm just as guilty of chronic procrastination but seriously, been holding out for a continuation of your fic for a while hehe.

[HunterOpera]

Hey Yo! Nice to see you active again Hunter. So when's the next chapter coming out? I know I'm just as guilty of chronic procrastination but seriously, been holding out for a continuation of your fic for a while hehe.

Sorry for the delay - real life has been devouring my time like a starving man at an all-you-can-eat buffet. I'm gonna do a short one-off to get a simple character deconstruction out of my head in preparation for more Bergman, then get on to Bergman and hopefully wrap up the Wreckage Arc before the end of May. It's been way too long since I've worked on Bergman, and I wanna get this up and moving again.

[Guest Sheeps]

Glad to hear that Bergman will be receiving some attention again soon!