Metroid - the Bergman Affair feedback, comments, and workshopping

[Guest Sheeps]

I love how you portrayed Ridley, even more so because of what he implies about Samus' strength. I'm all too anxious to see the continuation of this story.

[HunterOpera]

Well, I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with Ridley. I had originally thought he would be used - if he made an appearance - as another sexually torturing obstacle Samus would need to overcome; it seems that's not the case though, or at least it won't be as simple as that.

> Ridley gets a bad rap as a villain, I think, and he really deserves better

In what way, as in how he is portrayed in-game/other people's stories? I always thought Ridley was pretty awesome, personally.

Oh, we'll get to see some Ridley taking advantage of Samus' current reduced state, but I see him more as a force of nature than anything else. It's implied in the lore that he's older than the Pirates, and that he kills them without hesitation or remorse. He's the most vile atrocity that Nintendo's ever come up with, and I want to take a look at his as an almost Cthulu-level threat. He's aggression and insanity and homicide warped to an unbelievable level, and my head canon explains his immortality in a way that I think is better than what we got in Other M.

Ridley gets to be more than anyone else on virtue of being Ridley. He's the Moriarty to Samus' Holmes, a villain only she can stop or even slow down. But we'll get to that. Two chapters out...

About Hermione Granger and the Bastet Collar

Darn it, I've really hoped it'd be a true NTR story.. You know, with stealing her from Golden Trio and breaking her mind, with betrayals and dark end..

I've got a couple of plans for that sort of story in other fandoms - one involving Claudia from Warehouse 13, and another for Utena from Revolutionary Girl Utena. I'm obsessive when it comes to the latter, and that one looks like it'll be another Bergman Affair level epic. The Warehouse 13 one would be about four or five chapters, more along the lines of Bastet. Which would you prefer?

I love how you portrayed Ridley, even more so because of what he implies about Samus' strength. I'm all too anxious to see the continuation of this story.

Thanks. I really want to get across the idea that Ridley is something else entirely, a madness that cannot be stopped or reasoned with, a cosmic abomination that only Samus has any hope of standing against.

And, of course, I get to write Samus' reaction to him. I really have to get back to this soonish.

[HunterOpera]

Regarding "Hermione Granger and the Bastet Collar," JK said:

Wow. Just...wow. Powerful stuff. Go Gin! Poor hermione. Great update. Bit disappointed there were no explicitly smutty details; but I'm just twisted. Would love to review more, but its hard to do on a phone. You rock. Hope you continue to play with the HP characters. x

I've been experimenting with allusion in Bastet Collar, seeing what works and what doesn't; my thought is to engage people's imaginations by providing just enough information and emotion to make it seem (erotically) horrible. Glad you're digging it - maybe I will post that Harry/Draco fic after all.

And we're all a little twisted here, I think.

Regarding "Hermione Granger and the Bastet Collar," Morgan said:

Idk why but this chapter literally made me sick to my stomach at times! It's just so messed up what Umbridge is doing! Please continue and have Ginny save her. ((((

Well, there is the concept of mindbreak, and that's what's going on here. Umbridge is abusing her authority in a way to trap Hermione, and then using something meant to heal to strip away Hermione's sense of self, destroying who she is bit by bit. It's pretty horrifying, really... and completely within Umbridge's character. It is sickening, taking someone as bright as Hermione and picking her apart like this.

As for Umbridge, I see her as being more banal than evil, washing away creativity, intelligence, and competence into a terrible cultivation of the status quo. She's an awful person. Her name actually means "offense," as in "I take offense/umbridge to that," and I always found that particularly fitting.

The current plan is to have this fic end at the same place as the canon Order of the Phoenix, so you can be assured of a happy ending. It's getting there that's going to be interesting.

[Guest zeek17]

I've got a couple of plans for that sort of story in other fandoms - one

involving Claudia from Warehouse 13, and another for Utena from

Revolutionary Girl Utena. I'm obsessive when it comes to the latter, and

that one looks like it'll be another Bergman Affair level epic. The

Warehouse 13 one would be about four or five chapters, more along the

lines of Bastet. Which would you prefer?

Too bad I'm not familiar with and interested in any of those fandoms. It seems that I have to settle for 'Basted Collar' as it is.

It's just that there was such a perfect setting..

[HunterOpera]

Too bad I'm not familiar with and interested in any of those fandoms. It seems that I have to settle for 'Basted Collar' as it is.

It's just that there was such a perfect setting..

It is what it is. I do have an old HP fic lying around, so I might dust that off and post it - but that one was dark and twisted. Just sayin.'

[HunterOpera]

Regarding "The Bergman Affair," MorbidFantasy said:

Actually read your latest update the week it came out but I was in a reclusive state, swamped with real world chores and drained of creative juices (actual creativity, not the other kind of 'juices' hehe).

The amount of despair being inflicted upon Samus really hits home this chapter. I must say I was a little sad to see her finally give up but I agree that everyone has their breaking point, and Samus has already proven her inhuman resilience.

An excellent chapter and definitely in my top two favorite chapters, the other one being the cave bondage arc. I'll post a more in depth review and suggestions in the forums.

I look forward to the continuation of this piece, and hope you'll update it with more rigor than I myself have displayed.

Hah! I've been editing and writing things like a mad, mad monkey. Things have gone live on my end, meaning what spare time I have is severely limited - but I am experimenting with some things and am about halfway through the next chapter, with most of the next section re-plotted to go along with the ever-increasing amount of complexity this story is growing.

A certain character is going to bring up something in the chapters to come about Samus' mental state. Whether Melissa pays attention or not, well, we'll see. She's emotionally unstable and trapped by her own hubris; so far that hasn't hindered her much, but, well, Samus. Brannigan's got some juice left in him, too, but we'll see if our favorite bounty hunter can help him with that.

Everyone breaks, simply. It's just a matter of when and if they can pick up the pieces.

Feedback is one of my drugs (the other being five hour energy shots). More in-depth qualitative reviews definitely keeps me interested in this project, as it helps with the other stuff I've got going on.

[Guest zeek17]

It is what it is. I do have an old HP fic lying around, so I might dust that off and post it - but that one was dark and twisted. Just sayin.'

If it's completed then I'd be grateful. Otherwise do not bother youself. Old fics as a rule are too much AU to be worth waiting for updates.

[MorbidFantasy]

Gearing up to update Fat Man Chronicles within the week, so thought I'd check in on whether you're still motivated about this piece. It's a great piece, and I'd love to see you continue to weave it to a climactic conclusion.

Cheerios.

[HunterOpera]

If it's completed then I'd be grateful. Otherwise do not bother youself. Old fics as a rule are too much AU to be worth waiting for updates.

Even my older stuff tends to fit within canon, at least up til a point. Most stories provide enough of a sandbox to do that with, and if you're going to play you may as well play with all the toys...

Gearing up to update Fat Man Chronicles within the week, so thought I'd check in on whether you're still motivated about this piece. It's a great piece, and I'd love to see you continue to weave it to a climactic conclusion.

Cheerios.

That conclusion is coming - I've been swamped with more legitimate writering and various other bits of madness. I tend to write Bergman mostly while traveling, I find, and I've got a couple of big trips coming up. Expect updates in the next few weeks because of it.

Oh, on an entirely different tack, do you mind if I send you a pm?

[MorbidFantasy]

Oh, on an entirely different tack, do you mind if I send you a pm?

Lol no need to ask. Always a pleasure.

I keep changing the plot and rewriting the current FMC arc because my fancies keep shifting so what seems ok today comes off as mundane the next. Thought I'd have updated by now but nope, back to the drawing board.

[HunterOpera]

Lol no need to ask. Always a pleasure.

I keep changing the plot and rewriting the current FMC arc because my fancies keep shifting so what seems ok today comes off as mundane the next. Thought I'd have updated by now but nope, back to the drawing board.

What's crossing you with it?

I had similar issues with the Desert Arc for Bergman (which we're in now), but just realized it needed to be worse than what I originally intended and that meant making it longer (seven chapters now) to work out some of the character and plot kinks. I've got a lot to cover re: Ridley, Brannigan, Sylux, Keaton, Mia, Melissa, and Samus herself, so the things that happen in the next few chapters especially are crucial to where the story ends.

Hell, in proper writing form, I finished and deleted a novel several times because it didn't do what I needed it to and it ended up feeling forced, despite working within the confines of the overarching plot (third book in that series, of which there are now four and bit, and will be twelve when it's all said and done).

[HunterOpera]

DrkVrtx said:

What was it this time then, writer's block or real life? Both, perhaps? Ha, either way it's good to see an update. It's certainly been a while.

I don't necessarily have much to say here. I enjoyed the chapter, and despite the gap between this one and the last, it was fairly easy to get back into the swing of things, so to speak. I so suppose the thing that I missed from this is that we didn't get to see anything from Melissa's POV. I'm curious to know why she is reacting - if at all - to Brannigan's treatment of Samus.

That, by the way, was handled pretty well. There is a sense of true hopelessness to her situation, to the point where I caught myself thinking 'Damn. Is this it for her? Has she finally lost?' But then comes that little moment near the end of the scene, where she holds on just barely to her sense of self, and it makes me think that perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. A long, dark tunnel. I don't think you're ready to give Samus her freedom and vengeance just yet, amirite?

Real life. I've been writing, editing, and helping some people with various projects and its devoured my time. There was also nothing I wanted to experiment with, technique-wise, but I've currently got a little breathing room and some structure I wanna toy around with, so back to the Bergman Affair we come.

Speaking of structure, this next section of story completely exploded on me, more than doubling in length from what it was supposed to be. The Desert Arc was supposed to be three or four chapters of a thousand to fifteen hundred words each, but it's going to be much, much longer because of Ridley and what's going on back on Daibon and elsewhere. We'll get to that... the next chapter should go up in the next couple of days.

Your words and the reviews I'm getting are the reason I'm writing this at all. The page views are nice (and ego-boosting!), but it's good to know that the things I'm experimenting with in this story are working; I can turn around and use them elsewhere and it makes everything I do better.

There's about six pages of notes I've got for this story to remind of who is where, what they know, and what they're doing. It's a handy little document that makes it easy to slip in and out of writing this and various other stories; one of the novels I'm working on right now has about twenty-two pages of notes and that's just growing, but it's important, I think, to keep track of the small details.

As for Melissa, well... we'll get back to her not in the next chapter, but the one afterwards. She's not doing so well right now and we'll get into why when we go visit her, but suffice it to say that she's having some problems. Brannigan is having a good time, though, and Samus...

Well, you're right about Samus having a ways to go yet. Shit, as they say, is very close to getting real.

[Guest DrkVrtx]

Yeah, feedback is the writer's lifeblood. I always try to leave something for the stories that take my interest. Page views are all well and good, but hearing from the reader is always the more satisfying option.

The Desert arc was meant to be four chapters? Looking at it now, I've no idea how you would've condensed it so. It's a strange and wonderful moment when an idea suddenly blossoms like that though. You realise there are so many avenues to explore and wonder why you'd wanted to limit yourself. And as for note making, that's something I've recently started doing myself, and it's so useful I want to facepalm for not doing it earlier. It's so easy to lose track of smaller details when you're keeping everything in your head, and it serves as a place for you to throw your ideas at and just see how or if it will work out.

I just realised that I meant to say 'I'm curious to know how Melissa is reacting' not 'why'. *facepalm* But iirc, she didn't take well to Ridley's appearance, did she? I wonder if we'll be seeing some sort of confrontation between them?

[HunterOpera]

I occasionally try to squeeze too much story into too small a space, on one notable occasion trying to get eleven books into a trilogy. That was... messy. I do, however, live for those moments when the story takes over and just starts writing itself, and Bergman's done that. At this point I have to see this through to the end; I know where it's going but I'm just as curious as anyone else to see how the story will get there.

And, from one writer to another, take notes. Always take notes. Anytime you name a person or a place make a note of it and jot down a sentence to describe or or what that person or place is. Organize your notes however you see fit, but keep track of everything you can - it makes for a more cohesive world overall and helps with the writing process.

Melissa and Ridley have a confrontation coming, but Brannigan and Samus have one coming first. Just sayin'...

Hey, that chapter is done. Should I post it now? I rather think I will.

(Don't mind me. Been using coffee as a sleep substitute since Thursday)

[MorbidFantasy]

Oh god, the new chapter in Bergman's affair.

I feel really guilty for not remembering a lot of the details regarding the overarching plot. As was with the other chapters, the writing is solid and story is good, but my mind pretty much makes a beeline towards the super sexy scenes with Samus.

And this was indeed a super sexy chapter. I love how "stand" means on all fours like a house pet. The sex scenes with Brannigan is fantastic, so here's to hoping you'll keep updating so my fantasies stay afloat.

While the dirty part of me would like to see Ridley eventually get his hands on Lara, the story teller in me is saying that you should reserve your best ideas for Brannigan and Melissa, and keep any participation from Ridley condensed and sweet.

I'm enjoying this fic so much that I have to consciously keep myself from borrowing too many ideas from it for FMC, as well as a new TR fic I'm working on using the 2013 reboot as canon.

[Guest Guest]

I like the short interval between these updates and judging from this passage, "then, with a screech, the sky caught fire and horror descended on tourmaline wings." shit is about to get too real. I'm looking forward to it.

Do you think you could post a summary connecting the dots of what's been going on in the plot?

[HunterOpera]

Oh god, the new chapter in Bergman's affair.

I feel really guilty for not remembering a lot of the details regarding the overarching plot. As was with the other chapters, the writing is solid and story is good, but my mind pretty much makes a beeline towards the super sexy scenes with Samus.

And this was indeed a super sexy chapter. I love how "stand" means on all fours like a house pet. The sex scenes with Brannigan is fantastic, so here's to hoping you'll keep updating so my fantasies stay afloat.

While the dirty part of me would like to see Ridley eventually get his hands on Lara, the story teller in me is saying that you should reserve your best ideas for Brannigan and Melissa, and keep any participation from Ridley condensed and sweet.

I'm enjoying this fic so much that I have to consciously keep myself from borrowing too many ideas from it for FMC, as well as a new TR fic I'm working on using the 2013 reboot as canon.

I know, right? That really got to me, too, and I know exactly where the next few chapters are going. I've got some editing to do, and then I'm going to try and hammer out the next chapter or two over the course of this week, because, well, Ridley. I really want to play with the idea of an intelligent, immortal, malignant space dragon and how he reacts to the only enemy he's ever had worthy of the name being caught where she is.

Brannigan has his issues, but he's also very good at everything he does. The things he's done to Samus, reinforced by the Kaayes, should stick around for the next little bit and will be a problem for her until the very end of this little fable. Brannigan, on the other hand... well, he's about to have a bit of a bad day.

And feel free to borrow as much as you like; Samus and Lara are two very different characters and would react to these circumstances differently. I'd be interested to see how Ms. Croft would deal with some of the things Brannigan is putting Samus through, and can think of a couple of your existing scenarios where that sort of thing could happen. Also, now looking forward to your take on the 2013 game, because that game is freaking awesome.

Glad you're enjoying this, though. It's a hella fun to write.

[HunterOpera]

newenglandee says:

Will you quit doing this to her?! It's not erotic. It's just stupid and out of character and a waste if a kickass female. This isn't princess freaking peach we are talking about here!

No. And I think I've done a better job writing Samus than, say, Other M... not that this is setting the bar particularly high.

Less flippantly, there are those that are finding this erotic, and good on them for doing so. This is a fantasy for them and an experiment for me, and I think it's working out for everyone concerned - including Samus, at the end. Eroticism is a matter of personal taste, so different people are going to get off on different concepts or ideas. It simply is what it is.

If it's stupid, how so? I think I've got a pretty good grasp on Samus' character and how she'd respond to different stimuli (no pun intended). I don't think there's too many things that can threaten her physically, and she's currently facing an enemy that is intelligent enough to know that. Melissa is trying an entirely different tactic, and thus far it's working out great for her (more on that later).

As for wasting a kickass female, well, how? Samus has managed to in the past and will again in the future kick all kinds of ass. She's one of those people that really can't be stopped once she gets going, and while I'm exploring an inversion of the tropes commonly associated with Metroid, I'm doing so in a way I don't think is wasteful in the least. If you disagree, well, that's cool, but details would be appreciated.

Samus' fierceness, independence, and capacity is part of what makes her attractive, because there is nothing in this world sexier than competence. Putting her in a situation she's utterly not familiar with and watching her thrive...? There's drama to be had there, and that's what I'm aiming for.

[HunterOpera]

I like the short interval between these updates and judging from this passage, "then, with a screech, the sky caught fire and horror descended on tourmaline wings." shit is about to get too real. I'm looking forward to it.

Do you think you could post a summary connecting the dots of what's been going on in the plot?

Shit is about to get real. You have no idea; we're two chapters into the seven chapter Desert Arc and Samus' nemesis has just shown up, with her in her present state... to say I'm going to have some fun with this is an absolute understatement.

As the writer I kinda feel nervous about doing an out-of-character connect the dots, especially when someone in story is close to figuring out most of what's happening. If a reader feels like trying to put it altogether, well, that'd be kind of cool. It'd also help me see what it is I'm doing effectively and what I need to improve on, because this story is an experiment in storytelling competence.

Glad you're enjoying this; should be more later this week.

[MorbidFantasy]

Can't wait for the new updates.

True story, I read "Sylux", started to write a review begging for more Brannigan/Samus scenes then refresh to find that you uploaded "Brannigan", so had to change my last comment midway through typing it.

Here's some additional thoughts on "Brannigan".

Introducing the commands (sit, stand, beg, down) in one chapter, letting it settle with the audience, before taking full advantage of it the next chapter. Very functional move.

My interpretation of what you've written so far is that Samus is drifting in and out of brief moments of defiance and progressively longer moments of defeat/subservience. The description of what Samus is feeling is very useful, at least demonstrating that she still has the willpower to have thoughts.

Depending on how Ridley is making his entrance I don't know how much more time Brannigan will have Samus to himself, but I'd love to see Samus forced to learn more commands. Alternatively, start having other people use the commands on Samus that Brannigan just taught her, to show that those commands are becoming more universal (like a trained dog) rather than just kowtowing to one person's will.

[HunterOpera]

Can't wait for the new updates.

True story, I read "Sylux", started to write a review begging for more Brannigan/Samus scenes then refresh to find that you uploaded "Brannigan", so had to change my last comment midway through typing it.

Here's some additional thoughts on "Brannigan".

Introducing the commands (sit, stand, beg, down) in one chapter, letting it settle with the audience, before taking full advantage of it the next chapter. Very functional move.

My interpretation of what you've written so far is that Samus is drifting in and out of brief moments of defiance and progressively longer moments of defeat/subservience. The description of what Samus is feeling is very useful, at least demonstrating that she still has the willpower to have thoughts.

Depending on how Ridley is making his entrance I don't know how much more time Brannigan will have Samus to himself, but I'd love to see Samus forced to learn more commands. Alternatively, start having other people use the commands on Samus that Brannigan just taught her, to show that those commands are becoming more universal (like a trained dog) rather than just kowtowing to one person's will.

Can't wait to get them up. Should finish the next chapter and most of the one after that later today, so we'll see about posting them. The next one is more set up for the chapters to follow with Samus, but I'll try and balance that out with Mia Xen and the Kriken. We'll see how that goes.

That description of Samus' psyche is exactly what I'm aiming for, so I'm glad that's coming across. She possesses a strong mind - she has to, considering who she is and what she's gone through - and I really wanted to put her willpower to the test here. It's working out well so far, I think, and everything that's happened so far is going to give me more tools to play with in the future.

As for how deeply ingrained the commands have become, well, we'll get to that.

Shortly.

[HunterOpera]

DrkVrtx said:

3000047882 I...I don't even know what to say. The opening to this chapter...damn, you nearly had me reaching for tissues! Explaining the commands that Brannigan uses in the prior chapter was definitely a good decision, because everything that happens in this one just becomes all the more vivid because of it. And when I say vivid...okay, calm down. (I am so going back to re-read that when I've finished this review.)

It's very interesting to see what's going on in Samus' head. I like that you set up for her trying to refute the idea that Brannigan is her 'master', but yet the slip of the tongue occurs anyway. It seems that it's harder for her to think of him as 'enemy' in comparison. The reality that she inhabits is slowly but surely becoming only that which Brannigan wants her to see. His control over her appears to be absolute, and he is gradually breaking her down, giving her no space or time to recollect herself.

As Samus mentions herself, if she had but a moment to herself, a moment to think with actual clarity, Brannigan would be finished. He knows this as well as she does. So, while it may seem as though he is absolutely dominant over her, I personally see a hint of tension. If Brannigan gives her the room to breathe, he has doomed himself. But perhaps he is already doomed; Ridley is here.

I am very curious to see how Ridley will react to the circumstance Brannigan has trapped Samus in. She is the only being worthy of being called his equal, and Brannigan has felled her. However, will Ridley respect the manner in which he has done so? Somehow, I doubt it. Ridley deals in blood and violence, and Brannigan hasn't and likely could never beat Samus if they fought one another on a level playing field. We'll see, I suppose. Part of me yearns to see more of Brannigan's torture of Samus, and another wants to see him get his incredibly violent comeuppance (I hope it's incredibly violent ).

Lastly, I keep feeling bad for ignoring this aspect of the story in reviews because the scenes with Samus are so engaging, but with Keaton being able to influence Sylux as a Kaaye would - even for a moment...is this suggestive of something later down the line? Because I would think that Melissa would want to bring Sylux under her thumb considering the power he can wield. Or am I reading too much into it?

I'm really glad that worked out. I like to use a stream of consciousness style of prose to indicate when emotions have crippled a character's reason, and that's definitely happening with Samus right now. When it's done right, I find it sort of triggers an immediate emotional sympathy with the reader; Hunter Thompson was a master of writing like this, and Neal Stephenson, John Steakley, Aaron Golden, and Patrick Rothfuss all use the same technique to devastating effect in their works. I've been experimenting with the nuts and bolts of that for a while, so it's good to know that's working out.

Samus herself is a silent but complex figure; the inferred character we get from the games (excluding Other M) is someone who is very much on control of herself and her environment, has an excellent head for tactics, a grim sense of humor and sympathy, and a hermit-like desire for self-reliance. I imagine her existence to be rather hermit like; she's very much the solitary bird of prey that her upbringing made her, grounded by the compassion, courage, and integrity of her human parents.

In short, she's intelligent, predatory, and very confident in herself. Finding herself in the situation she's currently in...? That wouldn't sit well with her, and Brannigan, Melissa, and Ridley all know that. The former two are already taking advantage of that to break down her psyche, and as for the latter, well, we'll be getting to him. I don't want to get too deeply into Ridley's psychology on the forums, at least not until we get there in the story. There's a lot to play with there, too, as he's just as complex as Samus is and her perfect enemy.

Going to stop there. We'll talk more about Ridley very soon, I suspect.

You're not reading too far into this at all. The Sazins are a species from a home-brew RPG a friend of mine built and that hypnotic command is something they can do, but it doesn't stick like it does with the Kaayes. My friend and I have spent a lot of time working out how the Sazin thing works and how it would differ from the Kaayes or someone like Melissa, who is terrifyingly powerful.

We'll get to that, though. Keaton is just as predatory as Samus, but he fights in a very different arena. Vogl has no idea what he's fucking with.

For that matter, neither does Melissa.

[Guest DrkVrtx]

I've already got a good amount of interest vested in this story, but the way you're talking about Ridley is making me yearn all the more for updates. It's not often that I've seen him portrayed well, but in the instances that I have he is a terrifying character.

*Sits and waits impatiently*

[HunterOpera]

I've already got a good amount of interest vested in this story, but the way you're talking about Ridley is making me yearn all the more for updates. It's not often that I've seen him portrayed well, but in the instances that I have he is a terrifying character.

*Sits and waits impatiently*

Well, the first Ridley-centric chapter just went up, with another to follow this week and more coming this month.

What do you think thus far?

[MorbidFantasy]

Preferably Brannigan will survive Ridley, but I can see why he wouldn't.

The problem with Ridley as Samus's abuser is that he is too powerful. Even without the kaayes and all of the planet's wildlife and fauna, Ridley can easily subdue Samus even in her prime, assuming she does not have her suit with her.

The appeal of Brannigan dominating Samus is that if both were facing off on even footing with their gear, Samus would come out on top, every time. It's the tipping of the power scale between the two that makes Samus's subjugation all the more humiliating. It took days of invested wearing and tearing down Samus before Brannigan could control her to his whim. It would be a shame to see all that go to waste if Ridley immediately takes over and kicks an already weakened Samus around. It's taking candy from a baby, and altogether a lot less arousing.

But you have the writing chops, and Ridley by himself is a solid character to base any story off of, so I defer to your choice of narration. I just hope Brannigan doesn't die too quickly. He was a lot of fun to read.