Metroid - the Bergman Affair feedback, comments, and workshopping

[HunterOpera]

So, this happened...

Hello,

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Thanks,

Danyealle

Adultfanfiction.net Archive Moderator

... which is entirely fair and my fault for not reading the ToS as well as I should have. Thanks, Danyealle, and I'm certainly going to take you up on your advice.

The Bergman Affair is an experiment for me in writing things I'm not comfortable with - fanfic, sex scenes, and keeping chapters under two thousand words. One of my colleagues asked me to experiment outside my comfort zone, and, well, this is the result. I'm taking the chance to fool around with formatting and the like, as well, and I'm curious to see if it's working at all.

Feedback is very much appreciated and kind of necessary from my end, so I'd appreciate whatever people can give me as far as plot progression, storytelling, and character development go - is the stuff I'm trying to do working?

The conversation thus far has been :

JViper

It would be a shame if one of the best Metroid fics to stay without any review. Especially since you're improving chapter by chapter.

The story is a little disjointed as it has been repeating the same pattern of a little plot before and after the scene itself which is the longer part. So it can get a bit tedious due to the structure you choose since the scenes are so much better.

I think you found a nice voice for Samus and seeing her dish out the pain after the deed has been incredibly satisfying, especially because said deed has been really hot most of the times.

Looking forward to how this develops.

DrkVrtx

How this is without more reviews baffles me. This is a very intriguing fic, and there are times when I'm not sure whether to be sickened or aroused. Each chapter just ramps it up, so to speak. The little digs at Other M and Sakamoto most certainly drew smiles from me, but I have to say that without a doubt, my favourite moment(s) so far involve the Kaayes. I like the fact that they still had a residual effect on Samus even after she had dealt with them. After Draygon though...well I have no idea what you have planned on top of that, short of literally ripping Samus apart >_<

Anyway, I will certainly be keeping an eye on this. Hope you plan on continuing it =)

Me

JViper - Glad you're enjoying this so far; I should have the next bit of it up this weekend. I'm more comfortable writing plot than outright sex, so it's sort of gratifying to know that I'm hitting the mark there. I honestly wasn't sure. There is an actual outline I'm working off of, so the bits of story will veer more into out and out smut as this goes on, as the MB I'm writing definitely has an insidious plan in mind.

DrkVrtx - I have no intentions of ripping Samus apart. She's one of my favorite characters in fiction, but it just so happens that I'm a bit of a sadist and this seems like a decent place to indulge those urges while experimenting with style. I'm not done with the Kaayes - not by a longshot - and I'm really not done with the many digs I have planned at Other M and Sakamoto, as both deserve everything they've got coming.

Sort of got caught with some contract work but I've given myself some breathing room, so I'll see what I can come up with for this. First scene of the next chapter is already done, next should be done by morning, and then we go from there.

I like to think I'm treating Miss Aran with more dignity than Other M did, but that's not exactly difficult.

Glad you're both enjoying this so far and hope you continue to enjoy what I've got coming.

Drkvrtx

The idea of Samus primitively dressed in leaves makes me laugh, such a far cry from her usual attire. I had to look up what a Kago was, I was reading that passage thinking 'Um, what on earth is that thing again?' Fascinated to see what exactly you have planned for Samus this time, I admit that I'm a little apprehensive for our favourite bounty hunter though lol

Me

I sort of found the idea of primitive attire fitting, especially with what Melissa has planned for her. I'd love to see somebody do art of this; I can write but not draw worth a damn and I lack the patience for GMOD and the like. Glad you continue to like it - I'm editing the next bit and most of the way through the bit after that.

As for feeling apprehension, well, I'm sure she'll be fine.

Any feedback and criticism would be appreciated. I just want to make sure that the devices I'm trying to use are working so I can use them in my other works.

Thanks in advance,

HunterOpera

[HunterOpera]

DrkVrtx

Oh, the humiliation. Our brave bounty hunter conquered by the lowly Zoomer. The only way this could be worse is if it had been a Geemer.

The Kago/Kaayes 'torture' is cruel but in a completely different fashion to, say, the Draygon encounter. Being brought just to the point of release continually over the duration of several days seems to be quite the maddening experience of pleasure and pain. However, seeing as Melissa is intending to 'punish' her (what on earth does she consider her previous machinations to be? lol), I have to wonder what she has in store to provide Samus further discomfort. Also, it seems the influence of the Kaayes has infiltrated certain political circles? Hmm, you certainly aren't finished with them yet, have you? : p

l always thought the Zoomers were a little weaker than the Geemers, though I might be wrong. I guess I'll just have to go and play a little more Metroid, so, um... no loss, really. The idea for that actually came from porneater/bitamin in some talks we had way back when, so I'm glad that scene worked out.

Melissa - as I'm writing her - is insane in a way that puts her on par with an eldritch force of nature. I'm trying to get across the idea of a massive intellect being trapped in a body that can't quite handle that degree of processing power, but that sheer mental power not being able to process sensations that the rest of us take for granted. Let me know if I'm getting that across; I like to think I am but that doesn't mean it's carrying over in the writing as much as I'd like it to.

Samus has a lot of intense fun coming her way, so we'll see how that works out.

Her idea of punishment is up now, though really the fun is just beginning. We're heading into the climax of the caverns now, which was initially meant to be a single chapter but will probably end up being two - there's a lot of character and plot progression coming up and I kinda want to give it all time to do what it needs to.

And, yes, I've got plans for the Kaayes. Terrible, terrible plans. They were initially going to be a minor plot point but they're just entertaining to write and they work with the overall narrative in exactly the way I need them to. I'm sort of wondering if anyone is going to catch the references made in the name of their home planets or if that one was just a little too obtuse...?

[HunterOpera]

J Viper:

Somehow I managed to miss these last updates. Anyway good work in advancing the plot. And poor Samus can't even catch a break, It's one situation after another, not that I'm complaining. I'm genuinely curious as to how she's going to escape this and how Anthony's part develop. I've been loving the journey, so keep it up good sir.

Also, saw that you responded to me in the thread, thank you. Sometimes just like the author the reviewer miss the attention.

Nah, just kidding.

I'll try to be a little more timely in my updates; it depends on my writing/editing cycle for other projects. This project was designed to be an experiment on multiple levels, but I'm sorta caught up with other projects and the thing I do to relax from writing is experiment with writing (or read. Or play video games. Or go for long long walks...).

Melissa was detailed and terrible plans for her sister that Samus, as she is, probably isn't going to like very much. Ms. Bergman the younger's goal is galactic conquest (of course), but on a more personal level the enslavement of the Hunter for reasons of her own. Anthony and Keaton also have a lot of things coming their way, all of which will tie in to what our favorite bounty hunter is going through.

Glad you're like the story so far... and feedback is very much appreciated. Feedback is necessary, especially on experimental works like this one. Besides, I've always enjoyed frank and open dialogue, but apparently the review thread is not the place for it.

Thankfully, we have these wonderful forums.

[HunterOpera]

EvilCareBear:

I'll admit, your story is the reason I chose Melissa to be the first villain in my story. I initially planned something else, but I liked the idea. That said, I enjoy your characterization more than mine. I've always been fascinated by characters who believe themselves to be in the right and want to 'convert' the hero to their way of thinking and I think you pulled that off really well. As for the sexy parts, I think you do a great job as well, they are always really hot. Overall, great job and I look forward to future updates.

I'm kinda glad you did - Melissa is a great concept, better than Other M deserved, and I'm enjoying you're take on her. I'm aiming for a sort of giddy manic genius, whereas your take of her seems more subdued and jaded but just as bright and thoughtful. Who were you thinking of using before?

Villains, I think, should never know they're the bad guys. Very few people walk around kicking puppies and declaring themselves evil - the most interesting villains are the ones that are doing terrible things for the very best of reasons, and I wanted to play with that a bit not only with Melissa, but with Madeline, Sakamoto, and Keaton himself. I'm glad that's coming across well.

Also glad you're digging the sexy parts. I was worried about those, truth be told, because I've always believed that I utterly suck at writing sex scenes.

[evilcarebear]

I know how you feel about having trouble writing the sex parts, every time I write the plot around it first and leave a blank space to fill in later when inspiration strikes. The most difficult part to me is that you are describing an inherently very repetitive action, so the only real solutions to me are change what is happening frequently enough to not be repetitive or focus on the sensations of the action more than the actual action itself. It's something that is difficult to do for me, and currently the only reason chapter 3 is not up right now.

[HunterOpera]

I'm definitely aiming to describe feelings more than activities, but that holds true for writing in general. It's feeling and emotion that give actions context, and without context there's no way to connect to much of anything.

Should you need a beta tester, feel free to send it to HunterOpera@gmail.com. I think conversation here is good, though, for the simple reason that it gives other people a chance to join in. Feedback is king.

[HunterOpera]

EvilCareBear and I did some beta reading for one another, and while I can't speak on his behalf I know that his input made my story stronger - he corrected a couple of discordant phrases spoken by various characters and kept the story flowing. He also had a couple of comments and questions that I'll address here, in the interest of sparking conversation with whoever cares to join us.

Vogl thinks Samus is a guy? Hahaha, soon he will know what Metroid players felt back in the day

I totally remember that sense back when I beat the first game in under an hour - wait, Samus is a girl? This is awesome! Totally worth the play through and the multiple endings. The original guide paints Samus as utterly mysterious, and later additions to the mythology make it clear that Samus' identity is not known by very many people. We know she served in the GF military, but I figure that Adam destroyed all records of her service after she left, probably at her request.

Further, given the destruction of K2-L, it's not likely that anyone would know who Samus Aran is from that angle. She is, in effect, Batman in space.

I'm curious, is this how he (Vogl) saw it at the time of (chapter contact), or in retrospect? Basically wondering if Melissa had been able to influence him before contacting him.

Melissa's been at this for a while, as we shall see. I'm cackling like a maniacal loon over here. I figure about six months have passed since the destruction of the bottle ship, and maybe seven since Melissa escaped. At least, that's where I began my story. It's entirely possible that Melissa's been working even longer than that - I guess I'll learn more about that as the story develops.

They're (the Kaayes) hologram projectors too? Did she breed different ones for different purposes?

Nope. The Kaayes amplify psychic signals sent through them. Melissa's using them to extend the range of her already ridiculous psychic abilities; one of those abilities just happens to be psychic projection. Melissa can basically send her will anywhere she can place a Kaayes, though most of the time her knowledge of what's going on there and her manipulation of people and events is subconscious - she needs to be aware of something to focus on it, which is why there's monitors keeping track of Samus, and why she projected herself to Vogl. The limits of her power will become a little more clear as the story progresses, which is part of the process.

I sort of put her in the same league as (comics) Saturn Girl or (comics) Professor Charles Xavier, maybe even a little higher. She's terrifying and completely insane.

Mother of God. She took control of the whole (kriken) empire? Are the Kirken controlled by a single hive mind, similar to Mother Brain, that she could take over? Or does she have that powerful of influence?

She's just that powerful. The canon reason that everything attacks Samus on Zebes is that Mother Brain took control of the whole planet. In Other M, Melissa managed to take control of the entire bottleship when panicked. When she's actually trying to focus her power, well, she's on an entirely different level than most people are capable of understanding.

Scary, no?

I think I need to brush up on my Metroid lore. Am I supposed to know who they (the Vhozons) are yet?

Yep. They're from Hunters, the same place the Krikens came from. The Vhozons are represented by Noxus, a rival to Samus and a bit of an overbearing bastard. The entire species are supposed to be Lawful Good Paladin types. I figure they're mental discipline would make them a hard fight for Melissa, who simply has better things to do that try and break through their defenses.

I just thought about this, how long has this been going on exactly?

Since the Kago got her? About fourteen days. Not that she knows that.

Pardon me while I cackle maniacally. I wanted to be one of three things when I was a child - a pro wrestler, a professional writer, or a Bond villain. Occasionally I like to indulge in all three.

I may have missed some descriptions earlier, but I'm not quite sure how she is positioned. I've assumed she's laying down on her back, with her arms and legs in the Kago's woven. Again, may just be me not remembering.

Double checked this and tried to clarify in the text of the most recent chapter - Samus is bound so that her stomach is lying on the hive, her arms and legs splayed around and down the length of the outer cage. Sorry for the confusion.

I like that Samus describes them as bugs, it makes a lot of sense. She would have to dehumanize them so as to not feel anything while killing them. It also shows a bit of racism (speciesism?) which she is bound to have.

I like speciesism. I think she'd be fairly accepting of most species, but there's absolutely nothing but hate for the Zebesians in her. The other characters have also exhibited bits of prejudice all throughout this narrative, which is another issue I'm sort of having fun with.

Alright, off to eat, plot, and read. I'll finish up this section before moving onto the next writing project I've got, but if anyone has comments or questions I'll be happy to respond to either here.

[HunterOpera]

DrkVrtx says:

Hmm, I left after reading Ch11 slightly depressed haha. I guess the fact that intelligent, sentient life forms have been introduced into the mix makes Samus' circumstances really hit home. In all the previous encounters, I'm able to somewhat wall off the fact that Samus is being abused and taken against her will due to the perpetrators being far far from human. The Zoomer/Kago/Kaayes encounter became increasingly disturbing as it continued, however. IIRC, the encounters up to that point have lasted a chapter, with Samus rising up to cut down whichever creature bothered her at that particular time, but now we see her seemingly well and truly stuck.

"Samus Aran screamed, pulling on her bonds, shaking as she tried desperately to free herself."

This line bothered me in particular, it's certainly not what I expected Samus to do, even in her predicament. I don't know...it gives me echoes of Other M's Ridley scene. Perhaps that was your intention. Though I suppose in this case, her reaction is more justifiable, as she's literally stripped down, weakened and defenceless.

Well, now that Samus has encountered the Zebesians - who actually look like they know what they are doing and why as well as how to truly humiliate the esteemed Hunter...I suppose I should get used to this depressed feeling in preparation for future chapters. It's well written, and I do and don't like it, if that makes sense : )

Hmmm. Well. I don't think Samus has well and truly given up just yet. Circumstances have worn her down somewhat, and she's not in a good place, but she isn't nearly as beaten as the Zebesians and Madeline think. I have no intention of Other M'ing her in this story, and by my reckoning I'm not quite two thirds done, so clearly other things have to happen so that this can continue. Broken Samus simply isn't Samus - she isn't the sort of person to break, though this is a new battlefield for her and she's definitely playing catch-up in a war she's having trouble with.

It's also been about fourteen days since the Kago initially got her. She's exhausted and a little stressed. I understand your difficulty with that line and, in retrospect, I probably should have gone with "roared" instead of "screamed." I was trying to convey anger and not fear - I'll have to be a little more careful about that in the future, and it's for that very reason that I'm writing this in the first place.

Your reaction makes perfect sense, but I wouldn't count Samus down yet. Just sayin.' We've got a long way to go before this thing reaches its conclusion.

[evilcarebear]

I can definitely say that your beta reading helped me out a lot. After almost every comment, I re-read the section and wondered how I thought that made sense when I wrote it. Having someone point out a specific part really helps to look at something more clearly.

As much as I love the idea of Samus being Space Batwoman, and how much sense it makes, I'm going to have to directly contradict it. Two plot points rely on her being fairly well known and I don't think I can rework that. Ironically, another plot point relies on her NOT being recognized. It'll make sense in the end...hopefully.

It appears your Melissa is somewhat more powerful than mine. Only by an order of magnitude. I see her powers as being more localized and needing a good amount of time to take full effect. Melissa will explain her powers fully in chapter 5 if all goes according to plan, via monologue of course. I think this difference is a good thing, variety is the spice of life.

[HunterOpera]

Everything makes sense inside our heads; that's why it's vital to have someone else actually edit your writing. A writer is inevitably too close to what they craft.

Canon states that her identity - hell, even her gender and species - are known to only a select few throughout the cosmos. We are, however, writing our versions so we can do whatever they hell we want, provided it makes sense in what we're writing and respects the mythos we're writing in. Go wild. I think both of our stories are qualitatively better and more true to the characters in the Metroid mythology than Other M was, so have fun.

And agreed on all counts.

[HunterOpera]

Ah, so retribution is at hand - quite literally, in fact. Samus discovering the knife and finally getting her hands on it brought a smile to my face too, though I have to wonder just how Samus can overcome the Zebesians in her present state. She's clearly exhausted and worn out, physically and mentally, but despite the supposed hopelessness of her situation, she doesn't forget who or what she is.

She's been trapped in this particular circumstance for what, about 5 or 6 chapters now? I don't think that the story has stagnated at any point during that, in fact I think it's really come into its own. The things Samus has gone through in there have blurred the line between disturbing and arousing, and sometimes I think I'm enjoying it a little too much lol. The scene with the Zebesians before Samus discovers the knife, for instance, is just...hot, and I'm wondering to myself why I'm not hating them with passion for what they're doing. Well, I'm sure they'll be getting their comeuppance soon enough ^^

Speaking of that, after this, again I have to wonder what's next for Samus. Kraid? Ridley? Metroids? Shriekbats??? And of course, Meliisa seems to be piecing together her plan and progressing at a frightening pace; I doubt she brokered peace between the Kriken/Federation for honest, reputable reasons. I'm interested to see what she ultimately has in store for Madeline, too.

Sorry for the length of time between chapters - I'm on a contract gig right now, so most of my attention is there. Between day job, trilogy, and burning wrecks on the side of the highway my life has been sort of interesting lately.

That out of the way... I'm glad you're continuing to like this little experiment of mine. I'm sort of looking at this as almost a deconstruction of Metroid tropes, but a few things have to remain true to my story for it to work within the greater context of Metroid's narrative. Other M failed to do this, I think, which is one of the major reasons Other M failed as hard as it did.

Samus needs to win, ultimately. She needs to save herself because the idea of other people saving her runs contrary to her nature and the nature of narrative. I think it's why the Other M Ridley scene seemed like such a betrayal of the character and the franchise... and I don't think I'm done with the Zebesians, but to be honest this story is taking on a life of its own.

As for what's next... well, I have plans. Terrible plans. (insert maniacal cackling here). Brannigan's our next big sub-boss and if you liked what the Zebesians were doing you'll love Brannigan. And Melissa's terrible plans are moving forward exactly as she wants them to; nothing in this story so far has run contrary to her expectations.

Glad you're liking this and I'll see about posting more soonish.

[Guest HunterOpera]

JViper 2012-11-04 id # 3000046973 Nice to see this was not dropped. Even better that we're past the gauntlet of the last few chapters, they were good but they were starting to become a little difficult to read through. Too much action and despair makes it difficult for me to pay attention. Glad we've moved on. I do get an ominous feeling from the end though and although not versed in the lore of metroid that much, I'm very much excited to see where this is going. Keep up.

This story won't get dropped. I'm an obsessive when it comes to narrative and this story's taken root in my mind, which means I'm going to ride this strange fable through to the end. It's honestly going places I never expected; Brannigan was not in my original notes at all, but he's quickly becoming one of my favorite characters in this mess and I'm looking forward to when he confronts Samus directly a little later on down the line.

I'm glad you decided to stick through the cave chapters; I'm trying to add a sense of exploration to this as an echo of the mythology that it comes from, so the skeleton I plotted out when I started this contains different levels/sections. The caves were designed to be harsh and mostly impersonal, but each environment will run with its own themes. Hopefully, you'll find the forest a little easier to digest, though it will not be any easier on our favorite Hunter.

Really just kinda glad you're digging it. You keep reviewing and I'll keep writing.

[Guest HunterOpera]

DrkVrtx 2012-11-22 id # 3000047058 Ah, so Samus finally gets away from the Zebesians and co. - and ensures no one lives on to tell the tale. Good to have you back, Samus...ah, but wait, what is this? Captured by Spore Spawn?! Oh well, at least she got one peaceable chapter to herself. I wonder if Melissa plans on bringing Samus directly to her soon; it seems like she is bringing all the pieces of her vast puzzle together, so perhaps we'll be seeing a confrontation between them shortly? Either way, I am as interested as ever to see what you have in store for our favourite bounty hunter.

***

As if Melissa would make it that easy... Samus is still Samus, though, and I've kind of laid the groundwork here for a surprise way further down the line. Samus' experiences with the SporeSpawn will not be anything like what happened with the Kago, I assure you - we're working with very different circumstances and themes from one section to the next, an internal exploration as much as an external one.

Melissa herself has overlooked one very crucial element who will make his presence felt very soon. No one in story is going to like it very much, but I hope you guys dig it. I'm giggling nearly as much as Melissa does just thinking about it.

Hope the story continues to hold your interest; keep letting me know what you think. Feedback keeps me writing this; I'll finish it regardless, but I really am experimenting with some tropes, ideas, and prose in this narrative, so people letting me know when things are working keeps me invested. Your words are very much appreciated.

Alright... back to the writering. More chapters up when I'm done tuning them.

[MorbidFantasy]

What's up Hunter? First I'd like to thank you for the review on my TR fic. I'm glad it still holds interest after nearly an year of inactivity.

The truth is I've been continuing to write chapters for it, but I keep scraping them later because for some reason I just don't fancy them a few days after the initial draft. At this point the graveyard for n'er2B-published arcs and plotlines for FMC is literally over 50000 words. The graveyard for never to be published aff fics in general...that could fill a novel at this point XD.

The newest five chapters were part of a single expose that was written in one sitting over massive amounts of caffeine and sudden enthusiasm. In fact the plot revolving Ivan/Vasily had little to no initial planning and were all spur of the moment inspiration. The only edits I made after the first draft was one quick grammatical proof read.

I can't believe I've never read your fic up until now. I've been a big fan of Metroid and Samus, even though I've never played the games before having never owned a gamecube and not really being into the Wii, which is also why I never acted on my own impulses of writing a Samus fic since I lack the canonical intimacy with that universe.

Okay onto the review, which i'll also post in the fics review section:

I absolutely loved the imprisonment arc. Loved the way Samus is subdued through shear numbers of psychic and physical restraints. I read all the chapters in one go and was sorely disappointed when I reached the end.

The fact that Samus's views on sex is unconventionally liberal and is immune to the psychological trauma of rape is a big hook for me. I especially like how you described her as for the most part being open to the pleasure even though her logical mind is telling her that it was being used to condition and own her.

Taking away her jumping abilities leads me to believe that you eventually want the only position for Samus to be in that isn't punishable to be for her to be on all fours. The gradual limitation of her movement without actual restraints is a fantastic idea, and I look forward to seeing what you have next for her.

I must admit that in my haste to continue the sex scenes, I skimmed over the overarching plot line in the rest of the galaxy, and had to backtrack after hitting the end to pick up the missing pieces, but that was of my own volition and not that your writing's fault.

End review

More thoughts/questions.

1. You mentioned that you're trying to keep your chapters short and under 2000 words. Why is that? My general rule of spacing for chapters is circa 3000 words and no less than 2000. Do you think 2000 word chapters are easier to digest and won't lose the attention of readers? Maybe I should take a leaf out of your book.

2. Do you have an overall length for the entire story in mind? How set in stone is the length/X chapters of Samus's gradual subversion and training until she meets Melissa? When that happens roughly what percentage of the full story will have transpired? Have you decided whether to end this story on a positive note (ala Samus saves the day) or negative note (enslavement)? I'd be happy with either one but have you decided yet?

3. Also, I have a feeling you were deliberately implicit, but is Dr. Madeleine being physically molested by her daughter or is the pleasure that I'm reading purely psychic in nature? Is she naked under that blanket? You may have mentioned it at one point but off the top of my head I don't believe it was made clear.

4. I'd really like to see something erstwhile happen to the hapless male captive. I get that after the first few chapters his mind has all but turned to jelly, but you mention him being there often enough that it seems like he should do something more than just be there.

[HunterOpera]

MorbidFantasy writes:

I absolutely loved the imprisonment arc. Loved the way Samus is subdued through shear numbers of psychic and physical restraints. I read all the chapters in one go and was sorely disappointed when I reached the end.

The fact that Samus's views on sex is unconventionally liberal and is immune to the psychological trauma of rape is a big hook for me. I especially like how you described her as for the most part being open to the pleasure even though her logical mind is telling her that it was being used to condition and own her.

Taking away her jumping abilities leads me to believe that you eventually want the only position for Samus to be in that isn't punishable to be for her to be on all fours. The gradual limitation of her movement without actual restraints is a fantastic idea, and I look forward to seeing what you have next for her.

I must admit that in my haste to continue the sex scenes, I skimmed over the overarching plot line in the rest of the galaxy, and had to backtrack after hitting the end to pick up the missing pieces, but that was of my own volition and not that your writing's fault.

Which is pretty damn high praise. I've got a huge amount of a respect for your writing, so this is more that a little flattering. I'm glad you dug the Cave Arc; it was hard to tell if I was getting the proper amount of erotic horror across, so I'm increasingly glad that it looks like I hit what I was aiming for. I'm definitely not done with the psychic/physical restraints, but we'll get more of those in the next few areas; the forest has its own dangers, which I hope you're enjoying just as much.

Psychology is one of the more important things, I think, when it comes to writing any sort of scenario, and especially anything involving passion. You've always been very good at this with Lara, getting into her head and making her responses and reactions believable in even the worst circumstances that befall her. Samus Aran had a bit more of a unconventional upbringing, being raised by a highly evolved but declining species of birds. I doubt she even saw any other humans after the attack on her homeworld until she was in her mid to late teens, so it stands to reason that a lot of our cultural taboos and expectations simply wouldn't apply to her. I'm glad that's coming across.

Melissa and Brannigan are just getting started on redefining what Samus can and can't do - the chapter I'm working on now takes things to what I hope is a rather twisted turn. Brannigan is more than a little bitter and Melissa more than a little twisted; what they have in store for Samus should be more than a little interesting. I hope you continue to enjoy it.

And it's good to know the writing is strong - where do you think the overarching plot is going? I'm just curious to see what people think of the seeds I've been planting since the beginning of this story.

[HunterOpera]

What's up Hunter? First I'd like to thank you for the review on my TR fic. I'm glad it still holds interest after nearly an year of inactivity.

The truth is I've been continuing to write chapters for it, but I keep scraping them later because for some reason I just don't fancy them a few days after the initial draft. At this point the graveyard for n'er2B-published arcs and plotlines for FMC is literally over 50000 words. The graveyard for never to be published aff fics in general...that could fill a novel at this point XD.

The newest five chapters were part of a single expose that was written in one sitting over massive amounts of caffeine and sudden enthusiasm. In fact the plot revolving Ivan/Vasily had little to no initial planning and were all spur of the moment inspiration. The only edits I made after the first draft was one quick grammatical proof read.

I can't believe I've never read your fic up until now. I've been a big fan of Metroid and Samus, even though I've never played the games before having never owned a gamecube and not really being into the Wii, which is also why I never acted on my own impulses of writing a Samus fic since I lack the canonical intimacy with that universe.

Okay onto the review, which i'll also post in the fics review section:

I absolutely loved the imprisonment arc. Loved the way Samus is subdued through shear numbers of psychic and physical restraints. I read all the chapters in one go and was sorely disappointed when I reached the end.

The fact that Samus's views on sex is unconventionally liberal and is immune to the psychological trauma of rape is a big hook for me. I especially like how you described her as for the most part being open to the pleasure even though her logical mind is telling her that it was being used to condition and own her.

Taking away her jumping abilities leads me to believe that you eventually want the only position for Samus to be in that isn't punishable to be for her to be on all fours. The gradual limitation of her movement without actual restraints is a fantastic idea, and I look forward to seeing what you have next for her.

I must admit that in my haste to continue the sex scenes, I skimmed over the overarching plot line in the rest of the galaxy, and had to backtrack after hitting the end to pick up the missing pieces, but that was of my own volition and not that your writing's fault.

End review

More thoughts/questions.

1. You mentioned that you're trying to keep your chapters short and under 2000 words. Why is that? My general rule of spacing for chapters is circa 3000 words and no less than 2000. Do you think 2000 word chapters are easier to digest and won't lose the attention of readers? Maybe I should take a leaf out of your book.

2. Do you have an overall length for the entire story in mind? How set in stone is the length/X chapters of Samus's gradual subversion and training until she meets Melissa? When that happens roughly what percentage of the full story will have transpired? Have you decided whether to end this story on a positive note (ala Samus saves the day) or negative note (enslavement)? I'd be happy with either one but have you decided yet?

3. Also, I have a feeling you were deliberately implicit, but is Dr. Madeleine being physically molested by her daughter or is the pleasure that I'm reading purely psychic in nature? Is she naked under that blanket? You may have mentioned it at one point but off the top of my head I don't believe it was made clear.

4. I'd really like to see something erstwhile happen to the hapless male captive. I get that after the first few chapters his mind has all but turned to jelly, but you mention him being there often enough that it seems like he should do something more than just be there.

... and I got here to reply to a response and found an even larger one waiting for me. Kinda flattered, really, so let's get to this.

Fatman Chronicles is always going to hold interest for me; the various twists and turns - to say nothing of the sex scenes - have always been a bit of an inspiration for my writing here and elsewhere. I have a tendency to pick the structure of narrative apart (just ask EvilCareBear) to figure out what works and why and, just as importantly, what doesn't work and why. FMC always veers on the side of works, so it's been one of those things that I go back to time and again to pick apart and make sense of and enjoy.

And I know what it's like to write something and despise it almost immediately after. Not sure if you're familiar with Dethklok, but band frontrunner Nathan Explosion has deleted a number of albums on the basis of not thinking they were good enough. I've done that with entire novels and scripts; one book in particular ended up getting written seven times from start to finish before I was happy with it, and it still has to go through the editing process before it goes anywhere near a publisher. I've also got a couple of ideas for other experiments for this site that I keep wavering on and not doing anything with: there's been Utena, Catwoman, and Guinivere stories that have just gone nowhere, and a weird Harry Potter fic that I really should do something with if I ever find the time. For the moment, though, Bergman is a pleasant enough distraction from everything else I'm working on.

Like Ivan/Vasily, Brannigan was a spur of the moment thing. So were the Kriken. This story is going off in directions I never intended when I originally plotted it, and it's forced me to look over my old notes. The core story is still the same, and the key characters are still doing the things I expected them to do, but circumstances keep shifting. I've been happy with how things are going, though - inspiration is just always a fun thing to run with and I'm digging what's going down in your writing, what with how Lara's enemies have turned her ally against himself and her.

If you've got an emulator you can find the old Metroid roms online and play through them; I'd recommend it. Super Metroid is outstanding, with Zero Mission and Return of Samus also being excellent. The Prime series are some of the best games of their period and still hold up well - I'm actually in the process of replaying them now. All good times if you can get ahold of them. I tend towards the obsessive end of things with concepts, ideas, or narratives that I like, so my knowledge of Metroid canon is kind of ridiculous, but I think that's helping the overall narrative in the Bergman Affair, so there's that.

And I would have loved to see what you would have done with Samus Aran.

As for questions:

1) I'm actually running through a couple of novels right now and editing a few more, so that takes up a lot of the time that isn't devoured by my day job. I also have a tendency to veer off into tangents, so the friend that got me to actually do this (out of spite, no less), challenged me to keep things short. Since the last short story I wrote clocked in at 33 125 words, it was thought that limiting me to 2 000 words would speed things up. Alas... I'd rather tell the story properly, or maybe the story would rather be told properly. Whichever, the two thousand word limit tends to get broken with alarming frequency.

2) The story was designed to go through six major areas, with four scenes in each and two chapters at the beginning and end to wrap things up. This did not happen. Jump was not supposed to be it's own chapter, but it is. The flow of the story has sort of taken over, which is a good thing for the writing and the narrative and annoying for my earlier notes (not that I'm complaining - I love it when a story starts using me to write itself). I'm a big believer in writing being a lot like shamanism, a sort of controlled schizophrenia.

A simpler answer would be that I plotted out the scenes and chapters but I'm more than willing to expand on ideas as they present themselves and go wherever the story wants to take me. I know what the ending is and what it's going to take to get there, but there seem to be more and more detours cropping up along the way. Provided those detours work with already established mythology, I'm more than happy to play with them and see where they go.

3) Madeline Bergman is being both physically and psychically molested by the clone that considers itself to be her daughter. Melissa, like Samus, did not have a conventional upbringing and despite appearing human is very much not, but she's now having to cope with human sensory input with a mind that was not built for that. A lot of things don't make any sense to her, so she's doing the best she can. I'll be revisiting Madeline and Melissa's relationship again shortly, but for now I'm kinda focusing on Brannigan and his arc and transition.

4) I have plans. Oh, I have plans. That guy, that guy right there? I have plans.

[MorbidFantasy]

Still, is Madeline NAKED, I GOTZ TO KNOWZ. She's one hot milf.

[evilcarebear]

Search your feelings Luke, you know the answer.

®Disney

[MorbidFantasy]

= ="

It's probably written somewhere in there I just don't want to search through the haystack...would rather reread the sexy bits in the cave and...tame ma DRAGON

[HunterOpera]

Hey, EvilCareBear, good to see that you're still out there. Where you been and what've you been up to? I'm pretty sure Disney will do a better job with the new movies than Lucas did. I collect bad movies, and the prequel trilogy was awful. Half the fun of this experiment is trying to fix the damage to the Metroid canon that Other M inflicted.

And, well, let's just say that Madeline would be pretty cold without that blanket.

Next chapter is pretty much done and I've got two-thirds of the one after that complete. It's what comes after that's going to be an interesting little bit of writing, so there might be a delay there... but I've noticed that there tends to be a break in this story between areas and area bosses before we move onto the next scene; not sure why that is, exactly.

The forest differs from the other two in terms of build, too, which is something I'll want to talk about after posting the next two chapters. I want to make sure the themes and concepts I'm trying to work in come across properly.

[Guest DrkVrtx]

I like the idea of restricting Samus' options bit by bit. 'Jump' made me wonder just how ridiculous it would be to not be able to jump in-game; I suppose some Morphball bomb trickery would be in order, but alas Samus does not have that luxury here. With that being said, I'm wondering what options Brannigan/Melissa plan on taking away from her. I imagine talking/fighting are among them, in which case I assume Samus is going to end up crawling on her hands and knees at some point with grunting - or perhaps screaming with pleasure - as her only means of communication. Considering all that Samus has already had to endure, I'm impressed that you continue to come up with new ways to torture her poor private parts.

I forgot to mention in my review that I really liked how you portrayed Kriken speech; it's very distinct and unique, though I imagine it must be slightly annoying to type out. I'm interested to see what becomes of sending Mia into their territory, my perverted imagination is imagining perverted things, but perhaps sexy time is limited to Samus' encounters...Well, perhaps not. Melissa seems to be giving her 'mother' something or two to think about ever few chapters. Also, and finally, yay all these updates! Keep 'em comin' : )

[evilcarebear]

Holy crap this has two pages now. I'm not sure why that blew my mind. Don't judge me.

Also, yes I am still alive. I have been busy lately with school and work, but I'd be a dirty lying communist if I said that was why I've made little progress. It's really been because I can't write for crap unless I have inspiration to. For a while it's been if I have inspiration to write - I can't, and if I can write - I have no inspiration. To make everything worse, on those few times I could and wanted to write, I had this idea. It's an awesome idea. Trust me you guys, it's gonna blow your frikkin minds. Problem is, I can't seem to think of anything else and it can't happen for at least two arcs. Thus little progress that is worth keeping on the next chapter.

As for the Disney thing, I just find the whole situation hilarious. I choose to believe Disney saw the Star Wars dance game on the Kinect and said to Lucas "Stop... just stop. Give us the damn thing before you hurt yourself."

[HunterOpera]

DrkVrtx:

Glad you're continuing to enjoy and comment on my little experiment. There's a couple more steps to Brannigan's restriction of what Samus can and can't do - and while you're right about rendering her unable to attack (that'll come), the effects of this are as much about form as function. Brannigan and Melissa are trying to strip Samus of her most basic powers and agencies and it sounds like I'm getting that across all good and proper-like. The next bit after Zoomer II will deal with the idea of sensation itself as a torture method - I'm kinda hoping to experiment a little more with erotic despair before going into full throttle terror in the next area.

I'm also glad you liked Kriken-speak (Krikenese? Krikish?). There was more than a little thought about how they would talk, and why - I wanted to portray something alien that would hint at a completely different psychology than what we're used to. I play a lot with language (it's almost like I'm a writer or something), and inventing ways to get across different sorts of psychology is important. People give a lot of themselves away by the words they use and the tones in which they say them, and even basic rules of grammar and syntax betray much of the worldview inherent to the people using that language. I find that wile area of psychology and development increasingly more interesting as I get older, the ways in which language defines reality and thought.

Mia Xen is a creation of Samus/Alyx/ComicCaptor, and I've got permission to use her. Expect the very best kind of terrible things to happen to her very shortly. Madeline's also got some fun times coming towards her; sexy time is not limited to just Samus, though most of it will be inflicted upon her for the simple reason that this is a Metroid-fic and Metroid is about Samus Aran, her journey, and her progression as a character.

I like to think that this story treats Samus and crew with more respect than Other M did, but your mileage may vary.

[HunterOpera]

EvilCareBear:

I'm just as shocked we've moved into two pages as you are, though I'm certainly digging it. I grinned when I noticed that for the first time and I look forward to the possibility of three pages, though I'd prefer it if we kept the quality of these responses going to that point and past it. Quality, I think, is so much better than Quantity.

And now you're just being a terrible tease re: your fic. I hope you find the inspiration you need to get there, though in my experience if you write what you want to you'll find ways to retcon yourself to that point, often using the point you want to get to for the inspiration of how to get there. I've written a couple of novels using that method, and the next area of this story is probably going to run on that idea.

Your headcannon regarding Disney's purchase of Star Wars is now my headcannon. I love the idea of Disney kind of looking at Lucas and going "No... just, no. It's okay, just put the Star Wars down. That's a good Lucas." Have you seen the Red Letter Media Star Wars reviews?

[evilcarebear]

I've always been an advocate of quantity over quality myself. Just ask the Germans over in Russia during WW2. Checkmate.

Yeah, upon re-reading I realize you are correct. I could have been a bit more tactful and less 'look at this amazing thing I can't tell you about' . Oh well, what's done is done, it's not like there's a - wait what's that? There is an edit button. Huh... interesting. I'm still not changing it.

I have heard of the Red Letter Media review, but I have not seen it myself. Mostly because I've heard it's even longer than the movies are. That someone can talk about how bad a movie is for longer than the movie lasts speaks volumes.