Bible Porn

[Guest Knorg]

I see there are only ten fics in Bible section of adult-fanfiction.org, despite the huge number of smokin' hot babes throughout - The Queen of Sheba, Jezebel, Mary Magdalen - and hot guys in loincloths or leather.

I guess some of it might turn up under the historically based fiction section, depending on point of view and evidence available, but otherwise I was thinking when I get back to writing again - as I feel sure I will do when my Muse returns from Vegas with my savings (she promised she would) - I ought to take a crack at expanding the Bible section of the website.

I read the entirity of the King James version a few years back, but I think before I started I'd re-read relevent sections from one of the versions translated into a more modern idiom. It's hard to toss the thees and thous around without partially imagining everybody with a North Yorkshire accent, where they still show up.

One idea I've been knocking around for a while is about a guy with a time machine blasting back two thousand years, appearing in a blaze of light before an impressionable young Nazarene girl and BAM! she's pregnant but told she's still a virgin. Could be good for a crossover with Back to the Future (using the train from the end of BTTF III), I reckon.

The other option is to take the basic plot of one of the steamy sex scenes already in the Bible, and re-write it with a modern take or new characters. Since I don't really go for incest, maybe instead of Lot's daughters seducing him in the cave, he could drunkenly get taken advantage off by some shepherdesses (or goatherdesses - what is the feminine of goatherd? Is it just Goatherd? a question for the writer section possibly...)

Anyway, just rolling off some thoughts about that section.

[Keith Inc.]

Or a modern couple reenacting something out of the Books...specific or general.

"Okay, now, your whole city has been slaughtered and i've taken you back home as a sex slave."

"Oh, baby."

Or choreograph a modern scene where at least one character keeps seeing it as a parallel to a scene in the Books, kind of like the flashbacks on the old Kung Fu show.

"As long as she kept her legs spread, it was as if the sun was frozen in the sky, like that battle in Joshua."

[Guest Knorg]

Good ideas all. With the parallels especially you could probably get a lot of milage in humour pieces from more incongruous comparisons.

[foeofthelance]

Who has been letting Keith play in the Bible section? I now have the strange urge to email that, anonymously of course, to several people in high standing...

[EveKnight75]

Keith: Those two are funny. Now I have to think of reviews. How about you write something sexual and give foe something to really e-mail?

I'd contribute something more to this thread, but I've never been a Christian at any point in my life so I haven't read the Bible.

[Guest Frijola Verda]

Not just sexual, deviant.

What Daniel really did in the Lion's den, Moses and the Burning Bush (a bunch of Edomites with Crotch Rot.)

You could also do some really funny shrinks with the Apocrypha.

[Guest Knorg]

I can't say I've ever been a genuine Christian, but I was young and somebody told me it had smutty bits so BAM!

[Solaris]

Here's an idea, the scene where Lot (I think it was) offers his virgin daughters to the men of Sodem so they would ignore his guests would be a good story to write. There has to be one man or two in there who would take the girls and screw them and not the guests that Lot has within his home.

Beth

[Ginevra]

Parts of the Bible are really good reads. And I think grossly misinterpreted. Speaking, of course, as someone who was raised to be Episcopalian, but could never quite swallow the whole Cult of the One God line.

I'm particularly fond of the story of Eden. The temptation of Adam and Eve and their resultant expulsion from the Garden of Eden sounds more like a coming of age tale to me rather than some terrible evidence of "Original Sin." I don't see how the majority of Christians take such a misogynistic view of the myth.

Adam and Eve are childlike and innocent. They are unclothed and unconcerned by their nakedness. The serpent tempts Eve with "forbidden" knowledge. If you take the knowledge to be carnal knowledge as well as good and evil, then it makes for some interesting implications. It is only after eating this fruit that Adam and Eve become aware of their nakedness.

They cannot remain in the Garden, for they are no longer children. And they must, like children everywhere, go out into the world and make their own lives and their own decisions. And of course, to have sex and make babies...

Lots of fodder there, but I'm too caught up in my own plot bunnies right now...

[Guest Knorg]

Here's an idea, the scene where Lot (I think it was) offers his virgin daughters to the men of Sodem so they would ignore his guests would be a good story to write. There has to be one man or two in there who would take the girls and screw them and not the guests that Lot has within his home.

Beth

That's a story the slashers could have a shot at too, like two people writing the story from different angles; the m/f angle tells the story of Lot's daughters heading off for nights of passion with Sodom's few bi/straight men (with neither the guys nor the girls able to believe their luck), and while Lot is distracted or shocked that there were a couple of straight guys, a slasher could write the story of a couple of leather daddies or bear-types seducing the pretty boy angels behind his back.

[Keith Inc.]

How about you write something sexual and give foe something to really e-mail?

You know, I've always wondered why Noah got so upset at being seen naked by his son, Ham.

What if Ham was gay? It would explain the 'Ooh, ooh, ICKY!' reaction. Or overreaction. Some of the guys i've sailed with had similar outbursts at the suggestion that since one man in ten is gay, and they lived in a 9man bunkroom, the chances were better than zero that...

I can't write gay porn. Anyone wants to use the idea, feel free.

BUT...if Ham was less than interested in the procreation of the species, then his wife, nameless in scripture, would have had a lot of free time on the Ark.

What sort of devilment might she have gotten into?

I've kind of wanted to do a Unicorn story in Lamia, but hadn't worked up the nerve. But if, um, let's call her Dumkina, were more than usually lonely, what with her entire family and all her friends having been drowned, and her husband doesn't touch her...

Would bestiality be worth an email?

And far more important to a review whore like me, would it be worthy of COMMENT?

[Keith Inc.]

Okay, then.

The plot bunny is in control.

I should really make hasenpfeffer out of the bastard.

WIP: http://books.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600093423

[Solaris]

That was really good, Keith!

I liked it very much and I reviewed it.

Beth

[Keith Inc.]

Wow, and i haven't even gotten to the porn yet.

Thanx!

[Guest Knorg]

The only thing I had time to look at so far this morning was the disclaimer, and that made me laugh.

Will definitely read and review the whole thing

[Keith Inc.]

(from review) Good slow build up as well, and that has to be the first ever unicorn horn-job I ever saw!

Oh, just wait and see.

[Solaris]

*covers mouth to stop the laughter*

Those two chapters has to be the best beast loving that I have ever read!

Well done, Keith!

Now to wait for the next chapter.

Beth

[Keith Inc.]

Six chapters, now, one left. Not bad for two days of work.

[Acal]

The bible has smut??

I went to a catholic school, and i never knew that!

[Keith Inc.]

A number of christains seem undereducated about the contents of the Books.

You'd be amazed at how many times people who graduated a The Books study course accuse me of making up details like Noah taking 7 pairs of some animals, or being aboard the ark for a year.

[Keith Inc.]

Okay, all done.

Any concrit about conflict with the Genesis account would be appreciated.

[Guest Knorg]

You might get conflicting concrit from people going off different translations of the Genesis account, or the startilingly different original Hewbrew.

But again, will read the rest later and review. All in all, awesome idea and well executed so far though.

Acal: Nuns always leave out the juicy bits.

[Keith Inc.]

You might get conflicting concrit from people going off different translations of the Genesis account, or the startilingly different original Hewbrew.

Ah.

So, i should add a disclaimer like: "This speculation on the Canaan Curse Question is based on an interpretation of the King James version of the Books. Anyone with concrit based on another translation, version, or language can go suck it."

Y'think?

[Guest Knorg]

It's better to cover your ass - maybe some of the people who actually know their bible stuff and versions enough are slightly obsessive...

[Keith Inc.]

Cool.

I'd love to break into the 500-review club with The Books porn...