Naruto Beta reader needed

[SirGeneralSir]

this is my first time requesting for one, but all im asking for is some one to tell me if what they think.

was the story clear, how did it read, was it interesting etc.

do note that there is/will be violence, sex and other actions that may be questionable, i just dont know what they might be right now.

im doing this to try and better my writing skills so being honest works best.

[And Your Little Dog Too]

im doing this to try and better my writing skills so being honest works best.

How much honesty can you handle? I can certainly give you my opinions, but you won't like me very much after I'm done.

[SirGeneralSir]

How much honesty can you handle? I can certainly give you my opinions, but you won't like me very much after I'm done.

i like brutal honesty as long as its respectful.

eg: this was wrong (bla bla bla) but it was understandable as (bla bla bla)

in short im just asking for some one to be a polite ass .... yes i do see that as an Oxymoronic *sp* thing to say

[SirGeneralSir]

i should also note, that i have a minor case of Dsylexia, meaning some words i dont see it as X because it looks alot like some thing else, most of all if its a long word.

[HalfFallenAingyl]

i should also note, that i have a minor case of Dsylexia, meaning some words i dont see it as X because it looks alot like some thing else, most of all if its a long word.

I'm interested, as long as you wouldn't mind spelling corrections. I'm....rather anal about spelling :-p

[And Your Little Dog Too]

I've been watching the kids, so I haven't had much writing time this weekend. I'll just post comments in sections. My goal is not to supply endless lists of rules, but to point out why those rules can make and break the story.

Okay, so what makes a story good? Ask most people and they'll say, "A good story needs to be...good." Or great, or well-written, or has a certain quality, or something equally as useless.

What makes a story good is it's ability to suck the reader into it's world and not let go. That's it. The things which create this state are the Holy Grail of writing. The things that can get between the reader and the story are well-known, however.

Capitalization:The first thing that pulls us out of the story is the word "Woods" which is capitalized. Immediately, the reader must stop for a moment and ask, "Is this place special?" And it's not; the reader soon finds out that it's just a place in the forest. There are many other moments in this story that the reader finds unexpected capitalization. Each time, regardless of whether you're a grammar fascist or not, the brain must store a mental note to keep track of the inconsistency. Too many of these and reading becomes a chore.

The Fix: Adopt a single, consistent capitalization policy. Good online grammar resources are Grammar Girl (http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com) and, for British English, the BBC Style Guide (http://www.bbctraini...sstyleguide.pdf). Even if you wing it and use your own policy, make sure that you use that exact same policy everywhere.

Sentence and Paragraph Structure: The next thing is the structure of the sentences and paragraphs. Almost all of the paragraphs are single sentences, all strung together with commas. There's nothing grammatically wrong with this, I guess, but it's very tough on the reader.

Image going out to the store to get a couple of doughnuts. Just as you start to close the door behind you, your wife says, "While you're out get some milk. And a can of tuna. And some cookies, those kind I like. Well, not that kind but those other ones, the ones with the stuff on them. And some toilet paper. And...." An hour later,you're lugging four heavy bags up the stairs. As you struggle to reach for your doorknob, you realize that you forgot to get the damned doughnuts. That's what the way-too-long sentence feels like.

TheFix: Break up the sentences into simpler parts, each focusing on a single action or reaction. You can combine actions when the rhythm of the sentence needs it, but you can't lose by keeping things simple. The paragraph/sentence...

The ninja seeing this dishonorable act before him filled his heart with anger as he made three quick slashes across the mans back cutting thru his spine while the tip cut deep enough to reach his heart and lungs, forcing him to let go of the woman, he then kicked the bandit off the cliff with blood splattering his boots and the ground around him as he fell to his death screaming all the way down, the ninja was just about to offer his hand to the woman to show her he meant her no harm when a Kunai with an exploding note attached to it flew into the cliff's edge.

...is really hard to slog through. Breaking it up, it can become...

The ninja, seeing this dishonorable act, felt his heart fill with anger. He made three quick slashes across the bandit's back. The powerful cuts severed the bandit's spine and tore open his heart and lungs. Those wounds forced the bandit to let go of the woman. Still enraged, the ninja kicked the bandit off the cliff. The spray of blood splattered his boots and the ground around him. The bandit screamed all the way down.

The ninja offered his hand to help the frightened woman stand. A kunai flew into the cliff's edge and stuck into the fractured rock. His eyes opened wide when he saw an exploding note attached to it.

In this way, each sentence is free to concentrate only on getting the doughnuts. When the single action is simple enough or needs a little company, you can add the milk and your wife's cookies to the shopping list. She'll appreciate that.

More to follow-->

[SirGeneralSir]

Thanks for the tips and help.

because im a little Dsylexic, showing me what i did wong is better as to just sayin *rule .... and ..*

because to me that means nothing, when i can see what i did wrong then i get the *oh shit* factor and then i can correct it from there.

once again thanks for the help.