Society TOO hard on Moms?

[Guest Adara]

I read this article this evening and wondered about it myself.

Article: What's the real measure of a 'good mom'?

I started thinking and wondered, "Hey, actually, moms have always been held to too high of a standard." In all honesty, I wouldn't say this was anything new. Be it one's own mother or mother-in-law, we never quite do things the way they, "should" be.

I also think of what society expects of the modern woman. Most of it is self-inflicted of course. We girls tend to over-extend ourselves in everything sometimes in an effort to be EVERYTHING to EVERYONE.

So when is it enough?

I personally care little for my mother's way of doing things. I've gotten into SEVERAL heated arguements over what I should be doing and when I should be doing it.

So what do you think ladies? Are we driving ourselves insane over being the "best mom"?

[Guest Yhitzak]

Wow, is that article *interesting*. I also find it a bit dangerous because the author states that society puts pressure on women to be the 'perfect' mother without defining the idea of 'perfect' or explaining (in *any* capacity) just how, why, or when this occurs. A very important facet of this topic went unaddressed in this article: just what is this society that is putting this pressure on women? What *in* this society is telling women that they have to be the 'perfect' mother? From my own observations, it is any given woman's expectations of herself that lead her to make the decisions that she does; I've never met a woman who willingly submitted to this 'social' view of the 'perfect woman/wife/mother' or even just accepted that this is the way that things are just because someone (this 'someone' includes the media) says so. This is to say that any woman's desire/inclination to be a 'perfect' anything comes entirely from within that individual person.

A few months ago, Atlantic Monthly published an article entitled, 'Rhymes With Rich," which was a review of a book by a high-class woman about motherhood. The review and the letters that followed it were quite telling about this subject, and I found it *quite* enlightening. Here is the URL; I hope you find it entertaining if nothing else.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200605/mommy-wars

I'm not entirely sure that just anyone can view it (I'm registered on the Atlantic site), so if you can't, it was the May 2006 issue.

Please do discuss this more in-depth; I'm horribly intrigued with the idea.

[Guest Adara]

Honestly, I do think women do it to ourselves. I mean, after all we let people get as far as WE let them.

But I think that advertising has TONS to do with it too. I mean, I don't know about you guys, but here's an example;

Have you ever seen a recent Bounty Paper towel Commercial where a little boy is looking for something in a kitchen drawer? We don't know what the kid's looking for but it becomes irrelevant when he finds a pretty big rubberband ball.(I loved those when I was a kid)

He then proceeds to have the BRILLIANT idea of bouncing it IN the kitchen and causing a mess. Of course, mommy dearest sees it, and of course, because she LOVES cleaning up after her wild and free youngin' she uses a bounty sheet and cleans up after her kid while he goes out and plays.

I don't know about you guys, but if my kid did that, hell, he'd be cleaning his own bloody mess. Not all commercials are such blatant bullshit, but they're usually geared in the same direction.

It's getting to the point where moms MUST be able to handle a full time job, handling ALL of their kids' activities, take care of their SO AND have time for herself all at once.

Any mother who can't is somewhat looked upon like the fat girl at the prom with her dad. So what is a "good mom" what makes a "great mom"? I ask myself. Then it occurs to me...in the end, I don't give a crap what my mother, grandmother, sister-in-law blah blah, says about my parenting or lackthereof.

If my child is well behaved, polite and meets the stands of appropriate behavior I've taught them, I'd say I did a pretty good job. Of course, I'll know it when it comes out of their mouthes. Because at one point or another, those kids grow up. When they do, we'll either hear, "Thanks Mom...you were great..." or "....." We'll know whether we've done good or not. Until then...I think moms deserve the benefit of having a few chances to screw up.

That's meh thought anyway.

[Oishiichan]

Yhitzak you have to be a subscriber and pay for access to the entire article otherwise you only see a small portion of it.

I am a mother of two boys, one behaves politely and considerately of others, while the other is often times very rude and selfish. Does this mean I am a bad or good mother. I use to think my older childs behavior was a reflection of something I had done wrong. It took me years to figure out quite simply that he choses to be that way and there is nothing me or anyone on this earth will do to make him change unless he himself so desires to. A lot of people view children as these clean slates that we write behaviors and attitudes on by giving them examples of ourselves. Then when those turn sour we blame the parents. What a lot of folks forget is that there external influences in children's lives, relatives outside the household, neighbors, kids at school, books, magazines, television, and so many other things that influence children. Not only that there are studies that show some behavior can be inherited with some traits behavioral skipping generations in much the same manner as genetic appearance is affected.

Now you average mom doesn't know what her grandparents or even the fathers grandparents were like especially if the child is adopted, or she was artificially inseminated at a sperm bank. This is by no means an excuse for bad parenting, but it is an example of how our children are not exact copies of us and how we behave no matter how much society would like to deem it so and push us to believe as well. There is a lot of pressure on women, and single fathers to be perfect parents and perfect examples for our children to teach them how to behave and be perfect themselves. the problem with perfect is quite simply that one persons perfect is another's version of flawed. It is probably why perfect was never defined in the first article to begin with. Each religion culture, community has its own ideal and not everyone will agree with it. So we try to fit all these ideals and we can't because they contradict with our true inner selves to the point of making depressed stressed out slugs.

[Guest Big Samurai]

I guess I'll offer a male point of view.

Being a mom is hard. My sister has four children, and I've got no idea how she deals with all of 'em at once. (My house looks like a disaster area after they come to visit, more often than not.) Even when I sit one or two at a time, they wear me out, and I'm a fairly energetic person. Doing a mediocre job as a mom probably takes a ton of effort, and a good job -- well, that's Herculean.

Moreover, even if you're the best mom ever, that won't prevent your children from turning out bad. "Virtue is not hereditary," the proverb goes, and some kids just seem to be destined to go the wrong way. It's enough for a mom to try her best, because, really, that's all you can ask of a person, isn't it? Sometimes, even maximum effort doesn't prevent failure.

I think the tendency to blame moms -- and, perhaps, parents in general -- for the failings of their children is a side effect of the whole 'self-esteem' movement that was big in the 1990s. The worst aspects of that movement basically teach children to avoid taking responsibility for anything. As long as you feel good about yourself, all is well, and, if you don't feel good about yourself, then it must be from some external problem ... like, say, your parents or your peers. ... Suffice to say that it's bullshit, IMO. If a boy robs a grandma and / or shoots one of his buddies in the head, it's not because his parents didn't love him, it's because he fucked up.

Got to give credit to my own mom, though. She taught me well, even though I think I'm the reason she went gray as young as she did.

EDIT: Yay, Post #700!

[StoryJunkie]

I take my example from the Lion King where the mom grabs the cub and licks em.

The animal kingdom has much to teach us.

LOL sry, couldn't keep a straight face. I'm just glad we survived this far without loosing any. The greatest tragedy has to be a small coffin.

[Guest Yhitzak]

Damn. I was afraid that was the case. Sorry.

I was thinking about this thread after I read it yesterday, and I was thinking about the time I did at a children's amusement park last summer. I sincerely doubt there is a better opportunity to watch parents with their children than when they are doing some sort of leisure activity. It was horribly amusing to me to watch parents who were -by my standards- apparently (please pay attention to the qualification of my grammar) good parents with these horrifically bad children, and I would think to myself, "Sometimes, I guess the apple falls pretty far." There was, of course, every other sort of parent and person imaginable, but my point is made.

Facing reality, having children means having another human being to take care of and watch grow. Though we're all different sorts here, I think we can all agree that humans are peculiar animals, and that each and every human is unique. It is this uniqueness of person that makes raising children very, very difficult. I also think that it is because of this variation in person that standards are set, both by an individual and a larger society. Going back to my statement about raising another human, I think it's simply within our nature as humans (or animals; can anyone really decide?) to project our own wants and needs upon others, especially our children. More than anything else, I think that the desire to be a 'perfect' parent (and this does extend into the realm of fatherhood) stems from our own desires to give our children 'better than what we had.'

Childhood is -without a doubt- the single most traumatic time in life. When most of us sit about with our friends or families and talk about our childhoods, we tend most to remember the horrible times, the tragic events, the moments of lost innocence. In our consciousness of our own tragedies, we somehow become vigilant on behalf of our children, imagining that if we intervene at soccer practice, our child will be spared the horror of coming up second.

[StoryJunkie]

yeah, everyday when my kids go out that door, I say a small prayer which has become a password so sacrosanct that they now do not leave unless I say it, even if they are burning with hatred. Life is uncertain. Mothers and fathers are blamed equally when things go wrong, but in some cases the best of all worlds, and the child still goes askew.

"There, but for the grace of God, go I." sort of thing. In this society, where the psychological ramifications of every word you say and every action and inaction are put under the microscope, we often forget that sometimes we are just helplessly caught up in a current that seems to have no rhyme or reason.

Just do your best and be good.