The Ultimate Guide

[Guest Wolfgang_Krauser]

Someone whom reviewed my guide in the original comedy section asked me to post the last page of my guide here because in truth it's probably going to help you along the waywared path of the writer. I understand that this post is quite long, but if you have time to read it then I would be honored, if not then I never asked you to waste your time doing so. This is my first post on the forum and quite possibly my last as well, it's nothing personal I just don't like forums that much and don't really have enough time to spare for them.

********************************

Thank you for reading and I apologize for the inconvenience. This one is very long.

Ok, you’ve managed to slosh through all of my chapters up until now meaning that you have seen the various things that occur in what I consider to be god awful fan fiction, but here is where I’m going to level with all of you. The horrible truth is that I am utterly guilty of doing damn near everything I have written about. All of that horrible crap, story ideas, choppy sentences, grammar issues, gothy vampire fics, I have typed and posted with a content smile of smug satisfaction. When I started out I made the most shit infested fan fiction to ever secrete upon both fanfiction.net and AFF.net. Looking back on the bullshit I have read and written under a previous pen name makes me wonder what the hell I was thinking back then. Before I started this poorly executed guide I looked back at my oldest story under this pen name and just looked at the first chapter. No, it wasn’t just any look; it was an outright stare into the cesspool of my previously amateur artistic talents. I was complete and utter crap. Within four years of writing it has only been recently that I have become what I consider to be somewhat better then others.

In this final installment of the guide I shall take a new approach and hope to still come out of this looking like a clever prick. With this said, I shall cover the various things I have encountered in my writings and various common mistakes I have found in many others. Essentially this is an overview of the previous five installments with a few extra things thrown in. And in case you are wondering Mister or Misses Fan Of This Story, your chicken is on its way, so please be patient. Now on with the show.

Here is a carefully constructed list of the things you should and shouldn’t do when writing a fan fiction.

-1: For the love of god, if you have a black woman in your fic, don’t refer to her nipples as chocolate chips. This is neither racist nor offensive, but it makes you sound like an idiot. I understand that the female anatomy is astonishingly pointy and curvy and great to look at, but it doesn’t mean that you can start calling the certain areas of the body by cute pet names all the time. Besides referring to areas of the female form using food references just makes you sound like a hungry bastard with twisted priorities. This only works if you’re trying to be funny. i.e.: Whoopee pillows.

-2: If you post a chapter that has a man and a woman going at it wherein the woman says, “My cock feels great in your pussy.” then not only do you have a continuity error, but also a grammar issue that could have been easily avoided. I know this is going to sound stupid to you, but don’t just proof read your story, READ IT OUT LOUD. You’re eyes will skip over words because you know exactly what you meant to write, however when you say your sentences out loud word for word you will realize if they make sense or not. The green lines in Microsoft Word are great and all, but it doesn’t mean that they are right every time. Half the time it doesn’t sound as if any normal human being would speak with the proper grammar it gives you whereas other times it does. You have to decide for yourself.

-3: A big killer of fan fiction is when you use the word ‘and’ in a sentence forty three times. It works if you’re labeling Santa’s reindeer, but in a description of something huge and spectacular it just doesn’t work.

I.e.: “They made love over and over, until the night grew light and the birds in the trees chirped and tweeted and all throughout the land her screaming and heaving orgasm was heard.” Grammatically this is correct, but it sounds amateur and more importantly like crap. Sometimes all you need are a variety of words, but ones that people understand. Lets read this again with less easy junction words.

I.e.: “The two made rampaging love to one another until the night turned to day with the spectacular moans of ecstasy which were heard all across the lands, waking all the animals alike and shattering the mountains all around with screams of electrifying passion.” Okay that was pretty forced and beyond cheesy, but one just sounded better then the other.

However there is also a point where you can go overboard.

I.e.: “His throbbing piston of love rampaged violently within her fiery pussy as she screamed a brewing storm of bohemian rapture to blissful climax which brought the mountains around them crumbling and shattering until the final bursting thrust was delivered into her receiving womb and filling her full of warm liquid ecstasy.” Now I am all about using this sentence in a fan fic, hell anyone has full permission to use this one, but let me tell you something important. Using a line of this magnitude kind of sets the bar for the fic and only works if you write the ENTIRE fic like that. You can’t just write a story and then throw a line in with every piece of your heart, you need to throw your heart into the entire thing, or you’re not taking your own writing seriously.

-4: The reviews you receive are meant to be constructive criticism, or else we wouldn’t have reviews as an option. Lets say you have a story that you’re quite proud of and have received a bundle of good reviews for it, but then out of nowhere someone tells you that you have either fucked up, or that there is something immensely wrong in your fic. These issues are brought up because people noticed them at some point or another and as an author you are held responsible for correcting these mistakes and I’ll tell you why.

Think about this for a moment, you have just written a story and have posted it on a medium that allows free viewing world wide and as an artist you are selfishly asking people to take time out of their lives to view your art. The painful truth of this is that by writing you aren’t doing anyone any favors, you are simply causing them to waste their time with your art and if you do a good job then they won’t mind and even enjoy reading your stories thus providing you with support, because that’s the only pay around here. If someone disagrees with your art then that is fine, because every one has their own opinion and preferences. However when you start attacking other authors or deleting reviews with this bullshit notion of being a ‘struggling or misunderstood artist’ then you need to grow up and take a heavy dose of reality.

There is a controversial photo from 1989 called Piss Christ, which is a photo of a wooden crucified Jesus Christ inside a bucket of piss. Now personally I don’t really approve of this photo, not because its Jesus but more because its piss, but that is my personal opinion and since this photo claimed an alarming amount of international attention, then that must mean that someone out there liked it. Hell, the picture is actually quite pretty, but the thing that ruined it for me was that I had this awkward feeling of finding the color of piss beautiful if looked at properly.

Have you ever received a review that when you read it you can practically hear the snide tone of the words? Some people just come off as an asshole when they review, but remember that they have taken the time out of their day to give your story a view and just failed to be entertained by it. When receiving these you should decipher it so it reads as constructive criticism. I once received a review that said plain as day, “we’re taking this story off our favorite list. Fuck you.” This sounds like an asshole thing to say, but giving it a moment of thought I realized that I had failed to update the fic for over a year. As a result it was my personal failure as an entertainer to do the simple task of entertain. It isn’t the end of the known universe if you get a bad review on your story, just read it and either mentally discard it, or evolve from it, just don’t be a whiny pussy about it.

-5: If your idea for a story sounds stupid to you then it is probably going to sound stupid to every one else. This doesn’t necessarily mean that it is going to be bad; you just have to formulate it into a way, which is both interesting and flowing. I found out that even though my grammar had been atrocious for one of my fics, it still got a lot of positive feedback because I kept it interesting. Readers will forgive you as long as the story is good, and as long as you keep going at it your spelling and grammar will become better and better with time. We readers will always be forgiving as long as you keep going with it.

There is one thing that burns my ass like nothing else though. This is sort of going back to reviews, but it’s about those people that post a story on this site, get a bad review and try to justify their crappy story by saying, “Well I don’t write for other people, I just write for myself and my own personal pleasure.” Bullshit. If you just write for yourself then why the hell are you posting it for the whole fucking world to see?! It’s these jerk weeds whom I keep poking fun at in all of the previous chapters. If your fic turns out to be crap, then learn from your mistakes and eventually you’ll have a wide reference book in your head of all the stupid shit you shouldn’t do. Only a true moron tries to hide behind bullshit notions and refuse to admit, “Hey, I’ve fucked up. Now how can I fix this?” For Christ sake, President Nixon was able to stand up in front of the entire world on live television and say, “Well guys, I’ve screwed up.” and here some anonymous people hiding behind anime pen names on a porno fan fiction site can’t do it, because they’re too scared to show some humility with an image that hardly even exists. There is something cosmically wrong with that.

Those were my big five issues and I hope you’ll take away from it what you will, but if you’re just scrolling through this at a fast pace in order to find out what I’ve written about a chicken, then that’s fine, it just means I’ve been talking too long. If you have been intrigued then you’re in luck because the chicken is going to be put off for a little longer.

-Two points I can’t put anywhere, but here.

I often enjoy using the occasional ‘big’ word in my stories, because they usually help beef up a scene for me, but there is on big word that has been abused beyond any measure of reason. *Nostalgia* Maybe it is how the powerful sound of ‘N’ mixes in nicely with the scientifically sounding ‘ostalgia’. Maybe this is used simply to make ones self, sound a lot smarter then they really are. It wasn’t until I thought of this word just now that I realized I have no mental definition for it and knew only that it was a state of feeling and nothing more. Since I’ve seen the word used on a lot of angst fics, I assumed it was an angst word. So I went to dictionary.com and found a definition. “A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past. Also means to be in a state of homesickness.” Finally, by looking at this I now know why it is used in every tragic romance vampire fic. I ask only this, please stop using a single overused word to describe something that could easily be a junction start to find out more about your characters. I don’t mind the word personally, but if you have a chance to dive deeper into your characters, or scenery then I suggest that you take it. You can even say something or someone is nostalgic, but at least back up why things are that way. In my opinion it is just the lazy way man’s way out of potentially writing something beautiful.

Ok, I just needed to get the nostalgia issue off my chest, now over here we’re going to learn something important. I don’t care if your spelling sucks, I don’t care if your grammar is bad, and I don’t care if your feelings are hurt when you get a bad review. One of the lovely things about this site as well as many other places is that people volunteer to beta read your fics and find all of the little mistakes. They will help you if you ask nicely. If you get a bad review don’t immediately go onto a live journal or what ever and start bitching about it, do something about it. Find out where the fuck your faults are and develop them. If your story progresses too quickly then go back and find out where you can throw in some meat n’ potatoes. Wisdom is found when one shuts up and listens to what others have to say.

-Naming your fan fiction. I am going to tell you something that’ll knock your socks off. At first most people judge a fan fiction by its title and summary, meaning that people will only take your fic as seriously as how you title it. I’ll give you a good example here from my personal life. I go to collage and someone made a very serious short film, with a very serious theme, with a very serious message, but no one took it seriously because when they named it they purposely misspelled the entire title by changing all of the letter S’s with the letter Z. Everyone was expecting some sort of stupid gangster spin off, but where given something completely different. As a result of this, the person didn’t even get any close into the qualifying at the film festival, because no one could take it seriously. It was shot wonderfully and the right amount of tact was used to show the disturbing truths of the story, but everyone brushed it off because of an ill thought out title. This doesn’t just stand for movie making but for all forms of entertainment. Think of a powerful title that just wouldn’t have been read if changed. The Lord Of The Rings: This promises fantasy and adventure. Dragonlance: The shittiest collection of books in the known universe, but you wouldn’t guess it because it has a cool name. A Brief History of Nearly Everything: Exactly what you’d expect it to be and extremely interesting. Fight Club: Expect some teeth to be knocked out. Now let’s try some shitty titles for great books and films. Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?: When the movie was made on this book the title was promptly change to Blade Runner. The book for Total Recall also had a bad name, Remember It For You Wholesale. He Died With A Felafel In His Hand: Great movie but you probably didn’t see it because it sounds stupid. Another movie that was loosely based off a book called Ender’s Game was called Starship Troopers. Do you understand what a title does? It can either invite someone in or push them away.

Onto More Serious Issues

-How human beings talk to one another. I’m not sure how much experience you have in talking to your own species, but they hardly ever directly tell you what they want. There is always some round about way in which we do it. If we’re sad, then we look depressed and say it’s nothing. If you need help answering a question then you usually start with a greeting. It’s hard to explain in words but just think back to all of your conversations on this day and just think about how often you looked at someone and told them exactly what you wanted right away. “How was your day?” Response: “I’ve had better.” Translation: “It sucked and I want you to sympathize with me.”

Or, “I wear all black because I’m in mourning for my own life. I am a tortured artist who talents go unnoticed in this unaccepting society.” Translation: “LOOK AT ME! I HATE BEING A LOSER! I’LL DO ANYTHING, JUST PLEASE LOOK AT ME!”

Have you ever struggled with something, looked at someone you wanted to have them help with it, but just sort of kept trying in hopes that they’d notice and come help without being asked? People do this all the time. When was the last time someone came up to you and said with all seriousness, “I’m short/fat/angry/annoyed/tall/skinny and I want you to talk to me until I feel better.” In a sense we do say these things, but we rely on implying things and letting other people fill in the blanks, because if we didn’t then we’d all sound like needy robots. When writing dialog just keep in mind that you can say one thing, but imply another. I don’t think I can stress enough how much I hate deadpan speech, but I do know that I can help prevent it.

“Hey Harry, I wanted to know if you’d like to wax my ass?” Herminie asked. “Why yes Herminie, I would love to wax that ass of yours.” Harry replied.

“What do you want from me Draco?” Harry asked. “Your mouth around my cock Potter.” Draco replied. (Actually I like this one.)

Ron looked at Harry and asked, “What is the square root of 841?” Harry then responded with, “Will this lead to sex?” to which Ron replied, “Yes.” And Harry answered “29.”

One other thing that kills your story like no tomorrow is writing it like a Shakespearian play. Two things, I don’t care how much you love Shakespeare, or how many Shakespeare festivals you’ve taken part in, the guys stories are old, boring and need to be replaced with something new and by new I don’t mean a remake of Romeo and Juliet with Leonardo DeCaprio in it. We have so many modern authors that do so much more interesting works that I think it’s high time we stopped obsessing so much over Shakespeare. I don’t remember old Willy writing something nearly as captivating and controversial as The DaVinci Code. I don’t believe he’s responsible for the smash hit Phantom Of The Opera and I’m almost positive he had nothing to do with the worldly embraced Harry Potter series. The second thing is that all the wonderful verses and poetry are great and all, but it all goes to hell when you script the characters!

Harry: “Enter me, enter me, ooh yeah, enter me.”

Draco: “Yeah bitch, take it bitch, I want you to take my fat cock bitch.”

*Draco plunges his penis, which he calls ‘The Hammer Of The Gods’ into Harry’s love socket.*

This looks like IRC you idiots! People who write like this needs to go lick some electrical sockets! This is just down right fucking lazy! I don’t care if it’s ‘your style of writing’ because it looks like shit! This style only works if you’re writing an actual play that is going to be performed and adapted from at some point. We have a scripts/plays section in the original section full of a bunch of talented authors who like to write real, but not quiet socially accepted yet, plays. No one is going to act out, or adapt from your fucking Harry/Draco slash fic unless they’re in the privacy of their own home! So stop it!

-Swearing is my friend and savior. Ok, if you have to swear in your fic then at least know when to do it. I know that when you’re with your friends, saying ‘fuck’ is damn near the national pastime, but think on this for a moment. If the characters in your story are all constantly swearing then doesn’t that take away from something that you could have added in your story? Not many people are actually bad for this, but there are the occasional stories that sort of make you go, “Well, this is getting kind of repetitive.” I only really bring this issue up because I know I used to be bad for it myself. Before I used to just make a character say ‘fuck’ or ‘shit’ to get an emotion across, but nowadays I take a step back and think, “Well, what if this character is too angry that they can’t actually think of something to say? Should I describe their anger for extra effect, or should I just leave the curse word in?” Sometimes it’s better to leave the curse word in, I’m just saying that you should be mindful of it when choosing your words.

-Their There, They’re. Honest mistake but here’s a tip. T-(Heir)-personal. T-(Here)-location. (They’re)-You shouldn’t screw this one up. Just a tip, that’s how I remember it and always using it appropriately, makes you look smart.

The Chicken

Remember up above when I said all that stuff about taking the worst idea in the history of ever and writing well to the point where it becomes both interesting and captivating? Well, I’m about to practice what I preach, so here’s a story about a man who falls in love with poultry and just for the record this is a Harvest Moon fan fic. If you wish to skip this lovely story then I will place the deliciously quirky stars at the beginning and end. Also listening the Goodnight Julia really helps set the mood for the story.

******************************

-Dear Old John-

Old man John was shoveling the walkway of snow at his bountiful ranch when a dreaded all too familiar feeling of longing swept over him. It happened from time to time, an image of his now deceased wife would come to his mind and make him remember all those long years of loving each other. She had gotten the breast cancer and by the time they had found it, it was too late. Old John was now alone in the world with nothing more then friends from town and the acres upon acres of withered corn surrounding him. He dried his tears on an old oily hanky he kept in his pocket that was usually used to wipe the tractor grease from his hands ever time he had to fool around with the engine. The most painful part about his loss was that he and his wife Emma had waited until it was too late to try and have a child, so after her death he couldn’t have that pride of being a father to a lovely little girl with pigtails, or a little boy that would grow into a man and one day take over the farm.

He had thought of remarrying a few times, but every time the thought occurred the painful image of Emma would enter his mind and then the even more painful truth would come to him telling him that he was now too old for any of that. He’d worked on the farm all his life building it up from scratch with hard work and over the years his back became strong, but his face lined and hair grayed with old age. The only things left to look youthful in him were his ever-boyish blue eyes although with heartbreak and loss they were slowly becoming pale and lifeless. Even despite his misfortune he went on hard doing what he’d always done all his life, he plowed the fields, looked after the horses, and grew a prosperous garden of sweet fruits and delicious vegetables.

With each passing year he would take part in all of the festivals, from the New Years festival of fireworks, which he helped excavate and mine for materials used in making the explosive light show. In the Springtime Starry Night festival he would more then willingly remove a section of what could have been profitable crops and set up a wide selection of hand made wooden chairs and a fire pit up on the big hill on his farm and let anyone who wished to come in and enjoy the night of shooting stars. He had deep love for this festival because almost thirty years back it was where he met Emma. There was the yearly horse races where he’d always enter his favorite horse Jasper, there was the Pumpkin festival where he’d grow great giant pumpkins with a magical fertilizer the harvest spirits once gave him as a gift for saving one of them from drowning in a rocky river on a windy day. Then by far his most favorite festival was the one at the end of the year. It was the one meant to give all friends alike a gift from your heart and eat a grand feast. Every year he would grow turkeys big and fat and give them away almost for free to every one in town and even to some just passing by.

All the folks in town new good Old John for being the kind hearted man he was, but many would ask, “Well why did his poor old wife have to die like that?” and it was a question well deserving of an answer because she was the one that took all of the sour out of John and turned him sweet. If anyone deserved a happy ending it would be her, she should have died at a ripe old age in a nice warm bed with grandchildren all around. It was also said that Emma was an angel that even god couldn’t wait to take up to heaven, a good hardworking woman that would have done anything for anyone. So when people started asking this question and asking why dear old John had to go through with it like this, unknown to them a certain somebody was listening, but not someone any of them could see. The goddess of the harvest had watched over John and his farm for many years and thus watching all the good deeds he did without pay or prosper. He just did it because it was the right thing to do.

On a wintry night just passed the fence to the town John was walking back from the pub with a cup of hot coffee in his hands towards home when something extraordinary happened. He hadn’t seen it coming, but a large horse drawn wagon went speeding by him along the icy dirt roads and clipped him on his shoulder and sending him flying towards the ground with the hot coffee spilling everywhere. He hadn’t known if he were unconscious or not, but when he opened his eyes he was staring up at the eternally deep black sky and watching the snow fall gently all around him without a hint of a sound around him. His entire body felt oddly warm and when he pushed himself up to his knees he felt little pain. He breathed softly watching his breath billow out in front of him for a moment while collecting himself, and then out of the corner of his eye he saw something lying on the road between all of the wheel and hoof tracks. He crawled over to it with almost a lazy pace and found beautiful little chicken with pink tipped feathers and a beak of gold. The poor thing had been trampled on when the wagon went by and as if by a compelling force of nature he picked the thing up and gently tucked the still breathing bird into his warm dark jacket.

Although he felt no pain he found it difficult to walk home, but when he arrived he immediately went to work bandaging up the wounds and setting a small splint on its broken wing. The poor bird was a mess but it would pull through in the end, so Old John took out his old oilskin cowboy hat, set it on the floor upside down, put a soft blanket inside and lay the bird on top. The bird slept quietly as John started blowing out the lanterns all around his house and when he was done he stripped down to his long johns and went to curled up in his cozy bed wishing someone special were with him.

As his eyes closed for a deep sleep he could have sworn he heard a soft gush of wind through the windows, but it wasn’t enough to keep him awake and slowly he sunk into the warmth of sleep on the cold winter night. At first things were fuzzy, his vision not quite catching whatever it was that they should have been seeing, but what was for certain was that it was a starry night atop an empty hilltop on a farm that would one day be wonderful. His eyes finally focused and he was watching someone off in the distance coming towards him. It was a beautiful woman with airy dress that floating gently with the wind. John’s eyes widened as he worked frantically to straighten his chestnut brown hair into a more appropriate manner. He adjusted his bow tie with fruitless efforts making it only more of a tangled mess, so much so that he almost didn’t notice the smooth hand that touched it. He looked up nervously at a woman with fiery red hair and said, “E-Emma! Y-you came.”

Emma smiled warmly as she finished tying the knot into a perfect bow. “Of course I came. You asked me remember?” She sat down on the grass and invited him to sit next to her. “Well, aren’t you going to show me the stars?”

John hurried beside her with rigid panic and suddenly he was at a loss for words. “I… uh… well…” As he struggled for words she started giggling softly. “What’s so funny?”

She gave him one look and said, “You’re afraid of me, aren’t you?” John looked away from her and up at the stars. He closed one eye and pointed at the north and as he did so he saw that his hand had slowly become ugly with age. He looked at both his hands and watched them become large with calluses and etched with nicks and scars. His hair had become gray and his face lined. He then looked at Emma who had also become old, but still maintain an untouched beauty. “So why were you so afraid of me then?”

John laughed under his breath and said, “I was just this hot headed bum only thinking about myself, and there you were this stunning lady looking at me with those green eyes. What was some fool like me suppose to do, but fumble over his own tongue? How about you? Why did you come? I was so rude when I asked.”

She ran her hand along his well-shaved cheek and shrugged. “I got caught in those baby blue eyes of yours.” The two sat closely together watching the shooting stars go by with their heads touching, but as the silence filled the air John started to cry and Emma wrapped her arms around him. “What’s wrong?”

The tears started running out of him swift and all he do was say that he was sorry. “I’m sorry I let you down Emma… I did everything I could I swear it…”

She rubbed his back soothingly and fixed him with a loving smile. “I don’t blame you John, I know you did all you could.”

“Oh, god I miss you so much. I’m trying to be the best man I can be for you, you gave me that Emma and I ain’t ever going to forget it. I do everything I can to be good, so that I end up with you when I go. I know it’s selfish, but I never want to let you go again.”

Emma wiped a tear from her own eye and still held onto John tightly. “You were always a sweet man John, I knew that from the start, but you’ve got to stop beating yourself up because of me. You’re a big man with a big heart, so I want you to follow it as best you can, ok?” John nodded with red eyes and burnt cheeks. “Good, now what say we get married?”

As John blinked the night sky turned to day and there he was standing at the end of a long red carpet fighting with that impossible tie and trying desperately to comb his chestnut brown hair into a more appropriate manner. The doors at the end of the hall opened and he froze as he caught a glimpse of an angel dressed in white coming towards him with green eyes and a smile all pointing directly at him. As she approached she reached an arm out towards him and before he knew it she was tying the impossible knot into a bow and all he could say was, “I can’t believe you came…”

She smiled warmly and took his hand in hers. “Of course I came, you asked me remember?” Suddenly John became relaxed, not nearly as rigid as before, but calm and collected. He was now married to the woman perfect for him and he was on his honeymoon with that perfect woman. It was a wild night of passion and mad love. The way they held each other so close would be remember throughout their bodies for a life time and more. Their souls connected for eternity even when their bodies would become one with mother earth. John looked carefully at his beautiful wife and her hair was spread across the bed as if being blown by holy currents. The woman he would love now and forever…

A content and ruffled looking chicken with pink tipped feathers jumped out from beneath John’s covers and waddled back to its oil skin roost with what would only be described to anyone one whom had the divine luck to see it, a look of victory and self satisfaction. Now well fertilized the bird went on to do the job it was meant to do.

When Old John awoke in the brisk chilly morning he felt nothing short a blissfully satisfying happiness. Today he felt he could take on anything the world threw at him and more at that. He felt the surge youthful vigor rush through him like a hot wind on a summer’s day. He took a step out of bed and noticed two things quite peculiar to him. The first was that his bed was covered in pink tipped feathers, which he assumed he must have tracked in while stumbling around in the dark the night before, and the second being that it was colder then usual in his house. He put on a heavy housecoat and walked into the living room to find out why it was so cold. Another two things caught his eye that seemed remarkably out of place. The first was that the front door was slightly open with the tracks of a chicken etched in the snow just outside and the second was the giant egg left inside of his hat on the floor. Old John bent down to take a closer look at it and in short he was blown away. The egg was the size of his head, maybe bigger, no defiantly much larger then his own head.

Suddenly the thing cracked and John fell backwards in surprise. The huge egg started wiggling from side to side like something big was trying to break free. All he could do was watch in fright as the egg let out a shattering crack that split it right down the middle. Things went quiet for a moment, but then a rush of cold wind came through the open door and knocked the egg over onto its side. The egg split apart slowly leaving two equal halves open and rocking slowly as if something balanced in each one. Slowly John got up and crawled over to the shells with caution, but just before he could see what was in them his hand touched a small piece of the shell on floor and diverted his eyes just long enough to see the writing on it in small fiery red letters. ‘From Emma with love.’ John’s eyes became wide and he rushed to the egg to see what was inside and then he saw the gift Emma had left him. In the shells of the egg there laid two sleeping babies, one wrapped in pink cloth and the other wrapped in blue. Another note was found this time on a card close to the baby in pink. He opened the card slowly and read it with care. ‘Dear John, if there were ever a man I would want to raise my children it would be you. I know we waited too long, but here’s our chance to leave a legacy. I won’t ask you to take care of them and raise them right because I know you’ll do a fine job without me telling you. I named your daughter Sammy; I’ll let you name your son.’

John looked down at the two sleeping babies and with a new found joy he brought them close to old face and said, “My children… My beautiful children…” He cried for what felt like the thousandth time that morning although this time he cried with shear joy. “Don’t you worry Emma, I’ll raise them right and I’ll teach them everything I know. Thank you… Thank you so much….”

********************

Ok, a bit lengthy, but I’m proud of it. I could have pleased someone by putting a lot more detail into the reproduction process with the chicken, but hey I like lime over lemon. Besides talk about a mood killer when dear old John starts ramming poultry. Anyways if you took time out of your day to read that then I thank you and I also hope you see that you can take something as mind numbingly stupid as some salty old bastard having sex with a chicken and turning it into something rather nice. To blow my own horn I give my story the Hank Seal of Approval.

-Now for the final words

Fantasy: To all of those wishing to write a fantasy fic, do yourself a favor and take Margaret Weis out of your fucking life. I tried reading the Dragonlance books and I just couldn’t. Normally this wouldn’t be so bad, but the fact that it was being read to me by an audio book changes things a little. Yes, it was so unbearable that I couldn’t even LISTEN to her nerdy ass fantasy books and this is no easy feat. I understand that it is based in the world of Dungeons and Dragons, but for fuck sakes don’t write down your nerdy ass D&D sessions composed of 30-50 year old people and call it a god damn story. I have played D&D in my lifetime, that’s right I to am the fabled nerd, but at least I know when something just shouldn’t be put down on paper. I know there are more writers for the Dragonlance series, but I can’t even begin to rate them because Margaret Weis did them the horrible injustice of burying the series for me on before I could even come close to theirs. Fuck you Margaret Weis and fuck all you people that think making a porno fan fiction out of your D&D game is a good idea!

Horror: Stop; just stop with the guy stabbing people in the face with a goddamn weed whacker. I think we have all become somewhat diluted in our horror movies, especially when movies such as Scream get the honor of finding a place in the horror section. Watch an old movie called Black Christmas; it was the one that redefined the slasher horror genre. Let me just share with you something I have picked up. The psychological aspect of the mind is forever far more frightening then the physical horrors in front of us. You want some good horror stories then I suggest you take one H.P. Lovecraft into your life this instant. This will at least help you set up a base of standards in your writing, the next would be to figure out how you make a horror porno fic without involving either vampires or rape. I understand that vampires are a crowd favorite, even I love them, but the sadly misunderstood and love struck vampire angle is getting a little overworked. The rape side of it is just a little too dry for me, not because I’m an insensitive asshole, but again because it gets overworked.

Comedy: The best place to start because trying hard is the worst thing you can do. Just go in and have fun with it, throw in some kung-fu towel action and someone’s bound to find it funny. It’s easy to hit a funny bone in someone because there are so many things we find funny. When I finally got around to reading 1984, a very serious book I’d like to add, there was a line in it that nearly made me piss myself. Winston in checking out this fat ladies ass, which is described in a way I never could have thought myself, and the response that followed was the perfect follow up. “Beautiful? She’s a yard wide at the hip!” Eh? You didn’t laugh… Well I guess you’d have to read it yourself…

Angst: Should be obliterated from the dictionary. I really can’t stand a story where the main character just walks around pissing and moaning 24/7. If you want somebody to be crying while you fuck them then you have issues and need to see someone with either a PHD or a back alley that’ll give you drugs to sedate you from existence.

Sci/fi: I want to say ‘Don’t use Star Trek’ but I know it won’t go over well. The great thing about sci/fi is that you can now stretch the imagination pretty far with technology, like plutonium-powered vibrators for instance. Just try not to be too nerdy guys…

Western: Watch a show called Deadwood and two Clint Eastwood movies. The Good The Bad And The Ugly, and Unforgiven. Throw in some cowboy sex and you’ve got something happening. Brokeback Mountain was a shitty-gimmicked movie so stop talking about it.

Yoai: You know how I’ve always bashed yoai in every previous installment? Here’s a piece of horrible truth for you. I’VE WRITTEN ONE TOO! So I’ve got equal say is this shit. The biggest problem with these is that all the guys in them talk like they’re a bunch of weak limp wrist faggots. It is not impossible to have someone who is both manly and prone towards the same sex. Your yoai fic doesn’t always have to be the march of the rainbow apocalypse!

Yuri: Same as the above, however a woman in a men’s sports jacket and suspenders is actually kind of sexy.

Romance: Often confused with comedy. These are the most sexually driven fics, so please don’t screw this up. Yes you can aspects of comedy in them, but lots of people lose track and get derailed on this one, so stay focused.

Bondage: Personally I’m not into that, but it’s a popular section, so this little bit is for the readers more then the writers. If you’re not into then don’t fucking read it, let alone review it. If there is some twisted thing you read about happening in the bedroom that you’re uncomfortable with, then don’t bitch about it! Just leave.

Finally, one for the readers: Look it’s cool that you read people’s shit and stuff, but don’t think you can just take a shit on someone’s fic just because it doesn’t sit right with you. If there’s a problem with something, like grammar or plot holes, then use some fucking tact when you tell them. Authors are constantly putting our their entertainment free of charge so that maybe one day someone will look at it and be entertained. I am disgusted with some of the people reading this shit, the one that pisses me off the most is someone making a review for the sole purpose of saying they hated the character pairing. This isn’t YOUR story, this is the AUHTOR’S story, and the author will have the pairing however they fucking well please. Another favorite of mine is any variation of, ‘This story sucks.’ Look if you can’t come up with anything more constructive then three simple words to express any concerns you have with someone’s fic, then clearly you’re too fucking dim to have an opinion that matters! I got a review for this guide that blew my socks off a while back, not because it was stupid, but because it was best damn review I’ve ever received. This person didn’t tell me I was great, but informed me that I had managed to offend them and how I could have approached this guide with better intentions, but went on to say that I’m still a good writer. They first pointed out the bad, which I took to heart and then they pointed out the good that made me keep going. This is using the review button responsibly and I just want to say, thank you for being tactful and mature.

That’s the final word, now go write something and if you fuck up, then keep going until you get it right. You can be professional at anything, even as a fan fiction porno writer, just show some goddamn pride in your work. Party hard people.

(As a side note I re-read this post and saw the spelling errors I made. No point in changing them now, besides I like to think of them as quirky character flaws as oppose to outright fuck-ups.)

[StoryJunkie]

you are right, that was damn long

But, informative. It is a pet peeve around here, let me say, since some of the earlier threads were about fics so bad that they HAD to be written by someone underage. Many teeth were gnashed here. Sorry you won't be here long, you seem like you'd fit right in.