Why The Human Race Is Doomed!

[Guest Alien Pirate Pixagi]

The following is from an email I got from a friend years ago that I just found. I decided to add snarky commentary ^__^

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sear's hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.

(You see, sir, what had happened was. I was sleep walking, and totally missed the label…)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(FIVE FINGER DISCOUNT!)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

(…right… HEY! I TOLD YOU! YOU WERE DOIN’ IT WRONG!)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(No thanks, I like my dinner frozen hard as a rock. But thanks for the suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."

(:: blink blink :: Shit…)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

(A la McDonald’s coffee)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

(No thanks, I LIKE burnng large parts of my body!)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(Cause you know, some little kid’s gonna run into a tree trunk with his trike and die a horrible death. I could only hope.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(What part of “Sleep Aid” do we not understand here?)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

(Do not use in Outer Space.)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

(The other use being punishment for your significant other cheating on you)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

(Really? I thought it contained fish!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(How about we remove that label and see what happens.)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(NOW! WITH MY TRUSTY WARNING LABEL I CAN FLY!!!!)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(On second thought, go ahead.)

[Guest Alien Pirate Pixagi]

I had a friend who once said "Take the warning labels off of everything and let Darwinism take it's course!"

[Guest chibi4president]

Ha ha! That reminds me of my driver's license test study guide:

Do not park:

-In an intersection

-On a railroad track

A stop sign is a red octagon with white letters which read "STOP." It is an indication to come to a complete stop.

If people have to be told this, they really shouldn't be driving.

[Iggy_lovechild]

Ah! I remember these! I still love the Japanese word processor warning the best.

This reminds me of the suicide hotline signs posted not just near the local train station, but posted practically on the freakin' tracks. As if it matters by that point...

[Guest Adara]

I loved these! As far as the intersection though, it's just as stupid as when people are told NOT to block an intersection. I wonder if it was the cursing out they got or the 350 dollar fine that got them to re-think their "position."

[Guest sailorplutogundam]

My favorite was a lady who ran a stop sign and crash into someone because" she waited long enough"

[Guest ChibiShiva]

You know what they say? That they put those labels because people were stupid enough to try it out?

On a mattress: "Warning - do not eat."

So you tell me that somewhere, somehow, someone ate a mattress?!

Unknown Block of Lead (One Ton) "Do not eat or inhale, if so induce vomiting."

... IT'S A FUCKING TON!!!

Ansell Condoms: "Do not return used condoms to the manufacturer through the mail."

No. Comment.

This label defies explanations.

[Guest Evil_Labs]

Ansell Condoms: "Do not return used condoms to the manufacturer through the mail."

No. Comment.

That was the day Harry, in the Mail Receiving Department, quit. Forever.

[Guest jedi30]

Captins log star date unknown I've landed on an unknown planet and there appears to no signs of intel. life thus I am returning to the ship and go looking for the ideot who told me about this place. so much for hot intel. chicks on this planet. lol

[Guest Double]

Best topic yet. Thanks for the laugh.

It's sad to think that some people are stupid enough to try things some of the things that the warning labels warn against. It's like that lady who sued McDonald's because she spilled hot coffee on her lap and complained that she wasn't told that her hot coffee was actually hot or something to that effect.

But the people that I feel sorry for are the ones who invented or sell the products and get sued by people who do stupid things.

I can only imagine the the guy in the legal department of the mattress company on the day that he got notice that they were being sued. "What do you mean someone tried to eat their mattress. I warned Bod that he shouldn't have gone with that advertistment, 'It's like sleeping on a mashmallow.' It figures that someone wanted to try it out."

[Guest Alien Pirate Pixagi]

You know what they say? That they put those labels because people were stupid enough to try it out?

On a mattress: "Warning - do not eat."

So you tell me that somewhere, somehow, someone ate a mattress?!

Unknown Block of Lead (One Ton) "Do not eat or inhale, if so induce vomiting."

... IT'S A FUCKING TON!!!

Ansell Condoms: "Do not return used condoms to the manufacturer through the mail."

No. Comment.

This label defies explanations.

...

Sad thing is, I once saw a fic that made about as much sense as that warning lable.

Anyone remember Denis Leary's standup when he was talking about the warning label on cigerettes?

And the matress one reminds me of Animaniaces. "Once Randy Beamer told me that his mom was having a dream about marshmallows and when she woke up her pillow was gone."

[Guest Nympho]

I gotta go with the "Mencia Mentality" for this one. Dumbasses in the government keep helping dumbasses get older so they can become horny dumbasses and make more dumbasses.

Dee dee dee

[Guest Adara]

I gotta go with the "Mencia Mentality" for this one. Dumbasses in the government keep helping dumbasses get older so they can become horny dumbasses and make more dumbasses.

Dee dee dee

So I guess the moral to this story is: Stupid people shouldn't breed. We should start a petition...lol

[Guest Adara]

Lol, well, perhaps there should be a rating system put in place. Certain classes of stupid people should not breed. Not to say they shouldn't be allowed, but perhaps given something on Gov't letterhead stating how ill-advised that course of action would be. LOL