Guest Rockin Posted July 2, 2006 Report Posted July 2, 2006 New York can be like a Jungle; it’s unpredictable, alien events, and danger levels are at random each day. Our families show the same tradition as mother animals. They bath, teach, and respect their cubs at all times. The grocery stores are fruit trees, the doctors are the healing herbs, and the criminals are the animal’s worst enemies. Like notorious gangs, hyenas follows in packs and strikes helpless animals in numbers and claws. But like lions, they fight other packs to claim their kingdom. Like animals, people fight to survive in order to live another day. Like each type of animal, these people have a special skill. Like each group of animals, these people have a place in life. Unlike an animal, these people are unpredictable. This is what separates the New Yorkers…and the animals. ----------------------- I hope you like this poem. It's my first poem in years, so I want your opinion on it.
Guest Agaib Posted July 2, 2006 Report Posted July 2, 2006 Not bad at all. I'm not sure I can completely relate to New York because I've never been there, but your poem sounds good ^^.
EveKnight75 Posted July 11, 2006 Report Posted July 11, 2006 I am a New Yorker peering at this in confusion. Just how does this relate to New York City? I mean, I guess I can see how it relates to the untrue stereotypes, but not how it relates to New York as it truly is.
Guest Rockin Posted July 14, 2006 Report Posted July 14, 2006 I am a New Yorker peering at this in confusion.Just how does this relate to New York City? I mean, I guess I can see how it relates to the untrue stereotypes, but not how it relates to New York as it truly is. Alright, I'll explain. And no disrespect, as I am a New Yorker and this is how I vision it. You see, New York is the biggest world trade and place of attraction in the USA. It's known as 'The City That Never Sleeps.' Each day, something happens in the US (Mainly New York), and it's sometimes hurtful incidents or conerning New York itself, hench the [unpredictable, alien events, and danger levels are at random each day.] At New York, some of use got supportive families (especially moms). They help us to be a better person in life, which [Our families show the same tradition as mother animals. They bath, teach, and respect their cubs at all times] kicks in. Just like humans, animal moms support their children at all times and helps them make them stronger. [Like notorious gangs, hyenas follows in packs and strikes helpless animals in numbers and claws. But like lions, they fight other packs to claim their kingdom.] This means that gang members (Bloods, Crypts, DDPs, etc.) go around and are either stealing or picking on little or weaker people who can't fend for themselves (or in some cases, can't fend themselves good enough). Eventually, there's gonna be a rebel in the group and will be trying to fight the current leader for leadership. [Like animals, people fight to survive in order to live another day.] In life, because of the random activites that happens in burrows (usually Bronx or Matthatten), we try our best to fight these problems in order to live another day. Some challenges we face are nearly impossible to beat, but we keep trying. [Like each type of animal, these people have a special skill.] No matter how bad people might think you are, EVERYONE has a skill everyone is greatly at. It's our job to find it. [Like each group of animals, these people have a place in life.] Look at the last one, but in a different form. [unlike an animal, these people are unpredictable.] If you read the story about the hunter hunted for the man, you'd get this. If you don't, I'll tell you. Imagine a animal's mind like a combat computer. You know it's moves, when it'll stike, and knows it can't create any tricks. That means your opponent is predictable. If your opponent was a human, then it'll be another different story. You don't know how he exactly thinks, and even if you did, chances are you still won't read his mind. More so, the opponent could actually create tactics with a plan A, B, and C. I hope I said it clear as I could ^^
EveKnight75 Posted July 18, 2006 Report Posted July 18, 2006 Actually, that clears things up a lot. Thanks. The truth is, there are times when I get fed up with the stereeotypes. The worst part is when people randomly come up and start asking me about my experiences with gangsters, or some idiot blames all the crime in the U.S. on N.Y.C alone. We New Yorkers are unique folk, but we lead normal lives. Any poem that can reflect both of those aspects is a good one.
Guest Mike256bit Posted July 18, 2006 Report Posted July 18, 2006 I feel safer in New York than I did back in Pittsburgh. I love it here. And while I didn't exactly agree with the image, I do like the structure of your poem. Especially here: Like notorious gangs, hyenas follows in packs and strikes helpless animals in numbers and claws. But like lions, they fight other packs to claim their kingdom.Like animals, people fight to survive in order to live another day. That reversal -- where you start leading with the animal imagery versus the human imagery is nice and help keep the poem's overall nuance together. I agree with Eve, though. This sounds less like the uniquely New York picture and more like a summarization of all major cities. This could be London, Chicago or even Philadelphia. What's explicitly New York, here? It's a good start.
Guest Rockin Posted July 20, 2006 Report Posted July 20, 2006 I feel safer in New York than I did back in Pittsburgh. I love it here. And while I didn't exactly agree with the image, I do like the structure of your poem. Ahh, thanks. Like I said before, its the first poem I've made in several years. I agree with Eve, though. This sounds less like the uniquely New York picture and more like a summarization of all major cities. This could be London, Chicago or even Philadelphia. What's explicitly New York, here? I believe this line is Like each type of animal, these people have a special skill. It's the closet line to me that actually shows the picture of New York. Legends were born more then they were raised in New York. Lots of famous people were very famous when they brought their special product or skill to New York. Lots of people be saying the same line, especially when it comes to business: "If you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere" Let's not forget. New Yorkers are tough to please, possibly the toughest. If you have a powerful skill, and it works in New York, then you got a really good shot of making it somewhere else. Good Example: President of Nintendo. My picture of New York may not be exactly 100%, but it's at least close to it. ^^
StoryJunkie Posted July 20, 2006 Report Posted July 20, 2006 before poetic, at least try for eloquent. This is drivel. you put it down as it came out of your hand, and it shows. each sentence is only an idea, not really poetic, so to speak. its like the thing in your head before you start to draw an outline. you want all these elements in it. but how to say it? none of these words are memorable. Your voice is passive nearly all the way through the tone is preachy. you can do better. start with line one: New York can be like a Jungle; it’s unpredictable, alien events, and danger levels are at random each day. think of what a jungle is like. close your eyes and see it, feel it. get rid of "can be", "it is" "are at" what is a better way of saying that? How about: "the jungle of New York, unpredictable, alien." (saying it's unpredictable and then saying the danger levels are random is like saying the same thing twice. its redundant) think of IMAGES write what you see, not what you THINK you see. redo it. I'll be waiting with my red pen.
Guest Mike256bit Posted July 20, 2006 Report Posted July 20, 2006 Ow, StoryJunkie just rocked my face off!
Guest Rockin Posted July 21, 2006 Report Posted July 21, 2006 Alright storyjunkie, I'll try and fix it so it'll be better. Speaking of the poem, I've entered it in the contest. Guess what? I just got a letter from them today. They said I'm in the semi-finals! ^^I could win cash and gift prizes, not to mention the annual grand prize of $10,000 ^^. My poem was also chosen to be in a publication book. Yeah Beiotch! XD So yeah guys, wish me luck. I might b the youngest one in there ^^
Guest Alien Pirate Pixagi Posted July 21, 2006 Report Posted July 21, 2006 Uh... what contest? Cause, there are quite a few out there and hate to kill you momentum but I can think of one where EVERYONE who enters becomes a semi-finalist.
StoryJunkie Posted July 21, 2006 Report Posted July 21, 2006 Once, Long Ago, In the Before Time: yeah, I entered a poetry contest like that once. They published my "poem" and then sent me a bill for the book they put it in.
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