JayDee's Review Reply Thread (Buffy Subdomain)

[JayDee]

I have received a review on my story Pleasurable Evils, which is an Angel/Buffy crossover with a whole ton of pairings that don't really end well for participants, such as a Gang of Bringers X Wesley, Angelus X Fred, headless-but-not-dying!Dawn X Futa!Amy, and Angelus x Buffy x Evil!Spike and even others. It's been a long while since I wrote it, never mind even thinking about it, but I do know It was written as a request for DrBlasphemy, the mod who maintains the TSSA archive.

The only other AFF review I had was in 2008, with the suggestion that,

You should do a follow-up with Faith, Cordy, Connor, Giles and Anya exacting terrible vengeance on the two -- maybe Giles sodomizing Spike and Faith raping Angelus with a strap-on.

...and I don't know about anyone else, but it seems like a good idea for a story to me! Maybe one day, if I ever have the time. Thanks for the comment and feedback there, tengabyebye.

Anyway, the new review is from bitamin717 - Thanks for your review! Yes, I think bad guys tend to come out on top in a lot of my stories. I may have been adversely affected by the cartoons I watched as a kid where they almost never got a chance too. I do disagree over Willow - I generally enjoyed her character arc throughout the series, but while I didn't really care for Kennedy it was more because she felt shoehorned in, and I didn't really like that Tara had died. Tara was pretty cool. Um. Thanks again for your review!

[JayDee]

Holy fuck, I forgot I already had a Buffy review replies thread... Was just about to make a new one!

As soon as I saw Dawn as the prompt I wanted to write about Dawn Summers, but initially I was trying to do something with her as a Giant from the Season 8 comic series. Couldn't make it work so I had a think of themes I haven't yet re-used from earlier prompts, and what with Hobgoblin's futa heavy profile/status wotsits I recalled I haven't used "girl with a cock" since the yule prompt. Then it was "shall I do DG/M(probably Spike) or DG/F"? I went with Faith, because I haven't done a consensual DG/F story in, uh... since my old pen name actually. Wow, long time. Funilly, that was a BtVS story too.

I also thought of going for a title along the lines of "Dawnie's got a gun" and a summary like "using it for fun shooting", but the citations for the referenced puns seemed like too much work (an Aerosmith song and a wossname saying respectively. See??) Oh, and the child abuse subject of the song probably wasn't entirely appropriate for the pun. Um. I probably talk too much about the un-used ideas in these review reply threads, anyway, two reviews:

Matt C

I love it. Maybe you could do a second chapter with Willow and Kennedy taking advantage of Dawn's new... uh, appendage.

Thanks for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed it so much! Faith's not the sharing type, might lead to trouble if they did that

Cal

Haha, the key gets a shaft and Faith is shafted. There needs to be more chapters, knocking Faith up?

Thanks for your review, but curse you! I wish I'd thought to use a shafted gag in the story. It would have worked very well, dangmabbit As for knocking Faith up, well, unprotected sex with one of those very healthy Slayer metabolisms... sounds likely doesn't it?

Edited April 3, 2011 by JayDee

[JayDee]

'nother review on The Key's Shaft:

Fairy Slayer

Without even looking at the prompt word itself I knew exactly who the star would be (and great use of the word itself). I also laughed my butt off about Xander's jealousy because it implies that she showed it to him at some point. Also, I'm pleasantly surprised that there was no torture or such, but with the pure arousing hotness I'm not complaining one bit. How this change came about really doesn't matter to me because the story itself was fun.

This seems like a typo: "her face was flushed but arousal"

The details were delicious. It sounds like Faith sort of snuck up on her but Dawn was distracted enough with her "exploring" not to be shocked or scared. Then again, it sounds like she was pent up for a few weeks since she hadn't used it (well, except as you wrote). The idea of those two together alone is great, but you made it pretty terrific.

Thanks for your review! Yeah, Xander was probably off his lunch for that day, "What you got there Dawn, a ohmygod!" I don't always have dickgirls torturing folks My Josie and the Pussycats story had no torture! Heh, I getcha though and I am glad you found the story fun, and thanks a ton for pointing out the typo - fixed it! That was a left over from the original line about how I was going to compare her previous flushed embarressment with new flushed arousal but I needed the words for something else and deleted/re-wrote. Horny teenager not even jerking off? Yeah, she was pent up. One night away from spooging the sheets...

There's a whole buncha faith/dawn stories on there, go nuts

[JayDee]

The Key's Shaft:

BronxWench

Okay, I have another addition to my list of favorite lines of all time: "Nobody can control their kegel muscles like a slayer." Just perfect! And leave it to you to make futa fun!

Thanks! I hear they can also make their ears move without the rest of their heads. Top muscle control those girls

[JayDee]

The Key's Shaft. Necro'ing a review reply thread. Not like that. You're disgusting.

julpups

Alright, that was funny^^. Seems that the monks weren't as accurate as everybody thought.

Like your style and dialogs. Reading feels smoothly and imagination is stimulated. Good work!

The plot itself is... well, it made me laugh. :-P

Thank you for your review! Yup, this was definitely one of my more good natured and humorous stories. Nobody dies and Faith plays hide the sausage. Very decent of you to have a look and leave some comments, and I do hope I'll be able to do a take on the Willow challenge.

[JayDee]

Request here - http://www2.adult-fanfiction.org/forum/index.php/topic/61208-willow-gangbang-btvs-challenge/?hl=willow#entry382765
I've expressed an interest in this request and am hoping to complete it, and since I already have this thread for discussion on feedback on my BTVS domain stories I think it fits in for discussion of a future story too. Anybody else who has ideas to suggest* should feel free, though if the requester said they didn't like them they won't be used

I case anybody is reading this and missed that I write sick shit - reading further will encounter discussion of a proposed story about a gang bang rape of a character in the Buffy series. No lines from the story itself appear (unless I actually work in joke dialogue) but it is still possibly triggering content.

*About the story, not "Kill yourself. Do it. Do it now."

So I'm thinking I'll set it on the first full moon after Lover's Walk, before Amends, so Oz is still off working out his feelings about Willow and Willow is theoretically single. I like the idea of him smelling Willow covered with the come of 30 or so guys and the lingering smell of her own orgasms and arousal

Working title: Dude-bros Banged My Baby.

Yes, it's an anachronism, but I do porn not high art. If you want high art that looks like porn, go read Bukowski.

The guys will be a mix of college guys and guys in the senior year at Sunnydale high. Not including Jonathan. Well, maybe. But he'd be blindfolded as a prank. It's set before Dopplegangerland so Vamp!Willow hadn't scared shit out of Percy yet. Other gangbangers not to include Bill, Charley, Fred George or Ron. Willow's the only redhead at the party. Sunnydale wasn't "exactly a haven for the brothers" but I'll have a token black guy. I don't know if there was a single asian in the whole show. At least Whedon made up for it with all the Chinese in Fir... nevermind. Hey, maybe Malik from Not Another Teen Movie could crossover.

So, full moon. Oz asked Willow to leave him alone while he worked shit out, and was kind've harsh about her feeling shit wasn't his problem. I figure plot will be Willow in advisably tries to talk to him again prior to amends, as he's heading off for his night in the tomb. He rejects her again, really harshly, and she's hurt and maybe even a tiny part of her feels he's been too hard 'cos, dammit, all she did was kiss her old buddy Xander a little. Night falls as it continues to do (and the age of night, fuck, you'd think it would have a broken hip), and Willow's out at night which can be bad in Sunnydale.

Meanwhile, some fellow seniors have been to a party at a frat house over on the college campus, and got challenged to find a high school girl to have fun with. She thinks she's just lucky they stop and say their driving over to the college to visit buddies see her and offer to take her safely home "after just picking something up" but it's Willow they've picked up. Her natural curiosity and desire not to offend gets her into the frat house, and a couple of the more eloquent college guys get her talking. No, they assure her, they don't worship snake demons or shit like that. Willow likes the seeming positive attention and apparent maturity of the guys she's talking too. Meanwhile, somebody jerks off over the back of her coat. Oh, there's a spillage, here, he'll go clean that for you. Anyway, one of the guys gets close enough for a cuddle and a kiss, and a feel, and Willow goes along with it until suddenly somebody's got their hand in her panties and there's a lot of guys around her and the language is moving from positive to degrading and Willow's intimidated and out of her comfort zone but the fingers do feel good and she doesn't say no. The intimidation/lack of asking makes it a rape scene, obviously, but without violence or pain. Avoiding drugging and alcohol and even real aggression, basically. They won't try and get Willow drunk or anything. Just rely on their being a good crowd of them around her. Which is basically even more evil.

That would cover the first 2000-3000 words. Maybe a little more. I get needlessly verbose on set ups.

Then, the initial fucking with Willow and guys partially clothed in the frat house den, a few cameras come out pretty quickly to cover the filming it part of the request, followed by everything in the warnings section of the request. I presume it's to be Willow doing to rimming rather than the other way round (ooh! another job for Jonathan!)

I think it might be interesting to try and fit in a DVDA double-blow and hand job section because Willow seemed pretty good at multi-tasking

All the guys human looking per request, but since it's a college campus on the Hellmouth a few of them are human-looking demons. No vampires - they wouldn't be welcome in a frat with demons, and they can't hold their booze. Be interesting to see about a couple of demon features though - excessive semen, maybe, bigger than average cock - or maybe using a demon-mixed lube ("Just like mother used to make. I do have 3000 brothers!" "Too much info, Jerry.") instead of KY that prevents soreness and rubbing-raw so that aspect doesn't become an issue. Have to see what the requester thinks on that side.

Anyway, a whole night of it through until the sun is coming up, at which point Willow is exhausted and has come a whole lot, so she's barely awake as they drive her back to where they picked her up and, word of Oz's werewolf nature having got out, drape her across a gravestone directly outside Oz's werewolf cage-crypt, maybe tie her legs up to the sides of a cross and leave her there to dry, so when he is human again he comes out to the sight and smell.

"You got pranked, bro!"

[pippychick]

Hmm... I think the intimidation/consent thing is the only way to do this without it turning in graphic forced gangrape. But I would add that in those early seasons Willow is that damn polite and unsure of herself I'm sure they could (very gently) successfully guilt-trip her a little when she (inevitably) does raise a protest. i.e. "But you did him!" "Why don't you like me?" etc and so on. I can see that easing into reluctant consent, especially if they're experienced enough to make sure she's enjoying it.

[julpups]

First of all *Yippieh*! RL is overrated anyway

As fate would have it, I have the coming week off from work and nothing planned. So basically I'll be on my couch, mouse in one hand and keyboard in the other, and only get up to answer the pizza delivery boy, to go to bed or to use the bathroom (or to take a beer from the refrigerator).

Plenty of time to nerd around to the heart's content. It's 6:15 pm now where I am located, so should I don't answer almost immediately during the next week, I'm probably sleeping.

As for the story:

I don't know how much 'dirty talk' is allowed in the forum, so I will use soft words like penis, vagina, aroused etc. If I did something wrong, please tell me.

I'm basically d'accord with the setting you came up so far. I won't interfere with your plot thoughts unless you ask me about something specific.

I want to clarify what I mean with the con/non-con stuff:

I don't like rape fics where the victim suffers through violence and/or open humiliation/degradation. It's nothing against this kind of story or the appropriate author. I just end up to feel too sorry for the victim and I don't think this is a right basic setting to enjoy a rape fic.

Especially when it's Willow, who is my favorite BtVS character, I just can't stand it.^^ She's kind of a soft spot. I do read non adult rated fics through any genres with her as main character on FF, AoOO etc. as well.

Important is that she enjoys it mostly and isn't traumatized, debil or damaged beyond repair in the aftermath. She will be freaked though; if she wouldn't be, I'd call that OOC.

So I'd agree with dafdes that a intimidation/consent thing is a good way. You could add something which lowers her inhibitions or increases her stamina like a misrouted spell from Willow herself. Something like that maybe, but that's up to you. Just nothing too heavy; she must stay in character (as much as possible) regarding her essence, manners and way of speaking etc.. Even during the act, so that the reader is always reminded 'Yep, that is Willow Rosenberg from BtVS... who gets screwed by 30+ men'

Again, the setting you have so far really appeals to me. I also like that some men will be given names and faces which will be recognized.

As for the rimming; she'll definitely gives plenty but she'll be also at the receiving end.

I actually had thought that she is introduced into the gangbang slowly thus similar to your approach. Means at first she is at the receiving end of the pleasure. You know, for example she sits on the coach, left and right of her a man, sweet talking how pretty she is, they start to softly grope her, then slow undressing, they grope her breasts, nipples, one goes down and licks her vagina next her rectum and then one of her hand is casually guided to a penis, after some time she opens her eyes the first after a longer time and a penis stares into her face, he coaxes her to take into her mouth, she's already so aroused that she complies, more men join her on the coach, they move to the floor etc. pp. and so on... An enhancing process.

As for the DVDA double blow double wank: I had to look at Urban Dictionary what that means. Yeah, foreigner and generally not that familiar with the terms... But definitely approved!

I'll go at bit more specific regarding some warnings:

Face-penetration: Preferred in every position known. Favored is the one where she lies on her back, her head slightly hanging over the edge and his testicles slapping/pressing against her nose/face (depends on the size of mentioned testicles, I guess)

Come-bath: Means how it sounds: belly, womb and bowels full with it, body from head to toe drenched in it and she's laying in a big puddle of it. So no realism here. There is plenty of come and immediate recharging as well. It's porn after all.

I just had a picture in my depraved mind where she is lying on her back on a low table, legs spread, knees to her chest, hip rolled up, hands reached down under her legs on her cheeks, spreading gaping vagina and rectum open, her breast jutted out, her head tilted upwards, her mouth wide open with tongue out and a soft smile on her face. The men gathered around her, furiously masturbating and pointing their... you know what I mean and how it ends.

I want to add come-feeding here: from a glass, through a hopper and directly from the source.

Gaping orifices: like in the average porn clips. For example, he's in a sitting position, she's sitting in his lap with her back to his front, he holds her legs apart while he penetrates her, he slips out, holds the orifice open and the camera zooms in.

That's all for now.

Uh, by the way: I'm not native English and still learning. Ask, when you don't understand what the hell I'm talking about.

Cheers.

[julpups]

Uh, what just came to my mind:

As for you being needlessly verbose on set-ups:

I don't mind! I rather like a long introduction and detailed build-up, as long as it is the small part compared to the sex.

As I made the challenge, I figured it would be among characterization and plot the strongest challenge to make a long, explicit, detailed even a bit exzessiv gangbang, without it becoming boring after a while, because everything repeats itself at some point. To keep it varied. This is the difference of fiction and a video-clip regarding porn I'd say. To keep the reader on track, the author has to be creative to stimulate the reader's imagination.

I'd really hate it if you'd write the first three men have their goings on Willow and then comes:

'Six hours later, Willow lay on the floor in a big puddle of cum with a huge smile plastered on her face...'

I mean what the fuck?

That would be almost as bad like when somebody writes a blowjob and the man refused to come in her mouth, he rather wants to come 'inside' her. She then asks him uncertainly if she does it wrong, whereupon he assures her that she's just too talented my sweet-doodeldidoo... It's fiction! The man is allowed to come more than once! The women do so either.

Human-lookalike demons would be nice. Could explain the huge amounts of come better than really productive prostates...

And I missed your working title by the first reading. Oh my god! That could also be the story title. I wouldn't mind!

[JayDee]

Now's probably a good time to mention I am a very slow writer, so unlikely to be finished by the end of the week - as an example, the last Mortal Kombat story I did took nine months, still once the plan is in place it becomes chipping away at it, and this shouldn't be that long. I think I can manage around 10000 words, probably split into a couple of parts (first part ending with Willow naked), but that is still very rough at this stage.

And also, on way of speaking, my weak point is dialogue. I'll try for Buffy-speak and whedonesque phrasing, but that may be the weaker side. I can probably cover for it by having Willow's mouth full a lot.

OK, pornstar levels of semen - I figure it's gonna be easy enough to use a little demonic influence in Sunnydale, but not necessarily violent/nasty demonic influence, "So you're like a good demon? bringing the come in?" to paraphrase a later episode.... A mixture of humans and demons is fine, because a lot of demons aren't especially bad - like Clem or Doyle from Angel. Might even have the human frat guys being the bad influence on them, so maybe even the reason the high school guys were sent for a girl was because their buddies in the frat had had some demon potion supposed to make 'em last longer but it was more effective than expected and they had to unload a lot fast and it was that or fill every sock on campus.

That'd work, and again with the "stops abbrasions/soreness" side effect means no physical harm for Willow besides maybe loss of appetite (since she'll be well fed) and tiredness for a few days. Still gets the rape tag though, because the very second someone touches her it's over that line, and it's not gonna end up with her loving all the guys or suddenly a bimbo slut or something.

On the other hand, with 25-30 guys (it might be a variable number, coming and going [/some pun intended] to keep Willow busy, they don't really need instant recharge or the guy who yelled "Shotgun asshole!" would be there all night, what with it being porn and all. Blow a load, grab a beer, play some original Playstation, come back to rub one out over her tits... actually, Willow liked computer stuff, could definitely have a scene where she's playing say Tekken 3 against someone while double penetrated. And winning

Come feeding - At least one thing a frat can be relied upon to have is beer bongs. And the best thing is they can use them for new pledge hazing for years afterwards.

What are you thinking on the general hygiene level of the guys - I figure to the start of the evening they, like Willow, would be pretty clean and fresh for the most part with everyone getting a little sweaty towards the end of the night. Some folks like less clean participants in the gangbang though, so I can do either. Lots of come does have a bit of a smell though.

dafdes - I kind of like that point on the early character, "You did the nasty with 30 guys?" "I was being polite!" "Yeah, like a British Ambassador!"

I might even find I can do an expanded versions of that specific outline on the come display you've got there too if it seems to flow well enough when I'm actually writing - with appropriate credit and your permission of course if it is a total expansion. It might be nice to finally use the expression "fucked goofy" and not have Disney on my ass.

I'll have a few more things to ask, I think, to check what you prefer on different things, other tropes that tend to turn up in this kind of fic which I can try and put a different spin on. Like bodywriting, or tallymarks, or how you'd prefer the story to treat Willow's virginity or possibility or pregnancy or like any shame over all the orgasms or more "Ooh! this is neat!" kind of thing. Because I know a lot of folks have different ideas on what they like, and I figure when I do a request I need to try and get it as close as possible to what the requester likes! Which, actually, is sometimes as scary as hell and leaves me shivering and afraid. But not this time!

So, yeah, prep stage, still be a while before there's more than bare bones on it though. Thanks loads for your and dafdes further thoughts.

[julpups]

Still on my couch, so a relatively quick reply.

Don't worry. I didn't expect you to be finished in one week, I'm just exited I have something to do during the next days. I was looking forward to a quiet week with lots of lazing around, reading fanfiction, playing video-games, watching movies (both porn and 'movies'). Now I can wholeheartedly nerd around about BtVS and porn, so expect several posts from me and don't be surprised or feel pressured when I'm replying fast to you. I do have a RL, just not next week.

About story-length: 10.000 words sound decent, but more would be cool. I offer my help to anything non-creative to support you.

When the introduction is around 3.000 words, make the sex around 8.000 and the aftermath around 1.000. But it's too early to measure it right anyway.

About way of speaking: I considered your dialogues in 'Pleasurable Evil' and 'The Key's Shaft' alright, though I've read 'Pleasurable Evil' only until Willow was torn apart, then I had to quit from shock. As I mentioned: Soft spot.

Just don't neglect dialogue altogether. Narrator only stories are always so arduous, especially in a foreign language. ^^ But I'm confident you'll be doing alright.

I like the demon potion thingy. You could add a temporary infertility caused by it. That put at least the guys at ease. I'd figure they wouldn't want a child to deal with either.

For Willow's ease though... hmmm... beside that she's very smart, she tends to be flippant, especially concerning magic. Maybe she forgets about a possible pregnancy in the throws of passion. She can be horrified later in the aftermath. Would actually fit to her character. She often acted first and was sorry afterwards. They're are not starting with vaginal penetration; at that point she is aroused sufficient...

The lubricant issue is cool and I don't mind the rape tag. It IS still rape actually.

The gangbang being actually a party, with coming and going (/pun understood and laughed) guys, drinking beer, playing video-games etc. is pretty cool and provides for variation. Approved!

As for guy hygiene/looking: The guys should be clean and decent looking. Not necessarily solely athletes or model types, rather a reasonable mix. After all, Tara, Oz and Kennedy weren't the Cordelia or Angel types either but Willow was attracted to them. Their tools should be above-average in length and girth (seven to nine inch) where the demons provide the big guns.

They're normal looking, showered, wearing fresh clothes and boxers and important (!): their assholes are clean in advance, not licked clean by Willow!

During the act, it's clear that they'll become sweaty and will inevitably come into contact with some come on Willow's body here and there, but Willow's the only one who is a mess afterwards. Cum smells, that's okay.

Uh before I forget: Do you want to include Warren Mears? Please don't... that would be a huge spoiler for some reason. *brrr* If you include him, then only as the guy who is even more pitiful than Jonathan. As far as I understood you, Jonathon get's at least to eat out her ass. Warren can stand guard outside or something...

As for the expanded come display: If you mean more come-play, like letting her lick the come from the floor or putting tubes in her holes to fill her up with more of it thus everything come-wise is okay. When you have further stuff in mind, it's okay too, but no scat, vomit, watersports or bloodplay! The only fluids are come, sweat, the occasional spitting on her face during fellatio, and the inevitable virginal blood after her deflowering. Some saliva from her during deepthroating is okay, too, but not so much and NO vomiting.

Tallymarks as in cutting her? Then no. No blood.

Bodywriting not like they draw lines with a marker on her body each time they come in/on her. But when they finally have finished with her, they can write with a red lipstick in huge letters something like 'gangbanged' (I think you can think about something more profound) on her chest before they place her in front of Oz' crypt.

About pregnancy I told earlier. The virginity issue could be sweet out-talked/conciliated? Have you an idea?

The scariest story I have read so far, was a BtVS story on AFF about Buffy and Dawn being put under a thrall from Willow and Tara in S06. They loosed their maturity and independence and behaved like toddlers. Willow diapers Buffy, sings lullabies etc. Complete free of the gross warnings. There is a faint kiss on Buffy's shaved pussy, but it's rather meant as affecting nuzzling. And some inevitable scat, because hello? Diapers? But I found it utterly disturbing. I don't remember the name and it was a few month ago.

I forgot the sex-toys warning: They can penetrate her with dildos in various sizes or let her walk around with a butt-plug during a break or something like that. But no gynecological instruments or such scary stuff^^

Edited February 6, 2016 by julpups

[JayDee]

I'd never even considered that! *surreptitiously puts speculum and enema kit back in toy box and makes shooing motions at the pre-med frat boy characters* I mean, if they can't get some gaping going with... uh, digits and phalli then they aren't trying. To avoid any offence to passing readers with this being on the forum I'll try to use more technical terms too.

No, no, no, I didn't mean tallymarks with cutting, this is a totally gore free story, I was thinking with marker pens, that's why I put it after bodywriting, kind of a sub-catagory - I don't think I've used it in a story myself, but as I said I've been thinking over gangbang tropes that can be used in any fresh ways.

If you do find a story on AFF that doesn't have needed warnings, and don't feel like politely raising it with the author or they don't listen, then raise it with one of the moderators and they'll raise it with the author. They're good at stuff like that and I think there is an adult baby tag too. With the suggested title I wasn't meaning Baby like an adult or other baby, but in the slightly sleazy "Gimme some sugar, baby" type way a frat boy who is also a Bruce Campbell fan might say, as a take on Oz's "Dingos Ate My Baby" band name (which was likely obvious, but I don't know if they translated that differently or whatver!). Hmmm... with the rimming, maybe "Dude-bros ate my baby's asshole" might even work.

If I do write in Jonathan I was thinking of giving him the largest male genitive organ, like everybody's having a laugh 'cos he's got a mouthful of Willow's anal orifice and presumably whatever seminal fluid is dripping off and then sudden someone yanks his pants down and holy shit he's like an advert for subway. With extra mayo. And the previous biggest guy at 9inches is suddenly on his knees pulling a "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!". But no ridiculous size male organs, and I probably won't be giving too many specific measurements anyway, unless it really fits an especially gratuitous bit of porn style writing.

I wasn't planning on using Warren, but Jonathan was a character in S3 and could easily have been on campus to visit someone from the year above who went there to play with their D&D group or something. On his way back, Percy West sees him out the window and has the idea of blindfolding him and getting him in to orally stimulate Willow's previously penetrated posterior passage in a typical example of jock/nerd social interaction. Percy's more academically minded Uncle Herbert would not approve.

How about a magic dildo, possessed by a former frat brother who sadly died pulling an epic prank? Or maybe just had a heart attack from an undiscovered congenital heart defect while committing an act of self-abuse over an erotic spell book. Too silly? I'm just throwing porn at the wall here to see what sticks, to paraphrase Cave Johnson.

On the length - except for the prompt fics, I don't write stories to set lengths, but thinking on things I've done in the past that seems about what it will come to. That said, a previous 10-on-one gangbang story I wrote was around 9000 words (Over!). So when it gets going it could be longer, but probably not three times the length.

On virginity - Since it's a blood free story, no hymen tearing or whatnot and she'll be aroused enough that as long as the guy eases in there won't be internal tearing. I figure the first organ might get slipped in before she realises it's going too and then, no use crying over spilt semen. Might be interesting to have her not know who the first guy is, due someone in front of her face, if you follow.

Another thing I try and ask for requests which some people have an answer too and some don't -

Are there any words in porn that a total mood killer for you, and any you particularly enjoy seeing? Like, if one of the frat guys is giving a bit of commentary on what he's doing, during an attempt at dialogue, would it kill your arousal if he said muff or "her flower" (Thanks Monica) That kind of thing. Or should it just be come or can guys/narration refer to jizz/spooge/spunk/Coors Light/semen/baby batter etc etc And some readers find spefic terms very hot.

And feel free to toss in as many more ideas/comments as you like, I'm not pressured. It only becomes an issue when a story is nearly finished and then someone says "Can you also show X" which would be like, a massive re-write or 5000 extra words. One requester did that and actually got pissy when I said no. I will let you know when I am started on first draft - I'm PM you chunks of text rather than post on forum because of the rules around that, but you can always comment here.

OK, running out of time again and it looks like I have a review to reply too, so I'll sign off again. Thanks for talking all this stuff out, it can be a pain to do a request if you don't know what someone likes - especially if it gets to posting stage and only then they're like "No, wait, that character blows. And not in a good way."

[julpups]

As for bodywriting: I'm okay with it, just don't exaggerate it. Don't cover her body for example with names of the guys under each attached a list like:

Johnny:

Mouth : 3

Vagina: 4

Rectum: 2

Percy:

Mouth: 5

Vagina: 6

Rectum: 8

Fisted: 1

etc.

She should appear thoroughly fu- ummh ummh 'loved' and not like a clown.

They could occasionally draw funny pictures on her body with their come though.^^

I'm totally okay with your Jonathan bits. I kinda liked him anyway and he deserves a tiny ego-boost.

As for Warren: If I remember right, he was introduced into the show as a former Sunnydale High student. So technically he is around. I like the idea of him being the looser who has to keep cave outside, looking for police or other intruders and stuff. He never is allowed to touch or even to look at Willow (he doesn't even gets a copy of the video^^) which boosts his later misogynist attitude because even Willow rejects him dismissively, although she is already totally into the action.

But it's up to you. If you can't think of something or don't want to, I wouldn't mind. Better no Warren at all than inadvertently too much Warren.

I won't mind a magic dildo. Are they length- and girth-shifting?

That Willow won't know who actually deflowered here and consciously not notices the actual deflowering appeals to me. I don't see the first guy asking her -"Are you sure?"- anyway.

As for turn-ons and -offs in terms:

I'm okay with most of them, just nothing regarding the excluded warnings like scat, watersports etc. What I mean is: Don't let the English exchange student say- "You know, I had eggs and beans for breakfast."- while she eats out his anal orifice.

In regards to come-feeding I like terms like: "Here comes your dinner, bi***."

And keep it varied. The guys don't behave all the same. Where the one is very vocal, the other one can be rather silent. He just grabs her, holds her down while he penetrates her posterior furiously accompanied with an occasional grunting.

Willow though shouldn't be much vocal in nasty terms. She won't scream all the time:

"Oh yeah, f*** my tiny little teen ass****... oooh I love it."

It should be more like:

"Uh uh uh uh yeah yeah uh UH UH Oh god! I'm coming uh uh..." And much keening.

Or like:

"You like that, huh? Bi**?"

"Uh huh"

*slap* *slap* *slap* (don't display sounds like I did here, at least not much. I find that rather annoying, especially in spanking fics. It's just for emphasizing purpose.)

"You like when I'm treating you like a whore?"

*grunt* "yeah... yeah..."

They can pressure her to dirty talk though.

"Say it!" he demanded. "Say you love to get fu**** by thirty dudes like the bi*** in heat you are!"

As for 'muff' and 'her flower': the latter sounds rather like a belittlement. Something what maybe Pippi Langstrumpf would say. Or is it supposed to be a real nasty term, colloquial-wise?

Concerning narrator/dialogue:

The narrator should not be as vocal as the characters regarding strong terms but rather more descriptive. I don't mean that you use romantic circumlocutions like 'member', 'shaft' or 'nether folds' etc but don't use the colloquial terms the characters use in dialogue. Keep it neutral, terms-wise, by using the common explicit terms like cock, asshole, pussy, cunt etc and describe explicitly how her anal orifice looks like or how her throat bulges out during fellatio etc.

[julpups]

Uh I forgot:

No choking! They can hold her down on her neck/throat and stuff. But no cutting off of her respiratory system. It kinda reminds me every time of David Carradine and his 'little accident' which is worse than a cold shower.

*Edit: Though I realize that deepthroating is a cutting off of respiratory as well.

Just not with their hands or strings and stuff.*

Edited February 7, 2016 by julpups

[JayDee]

Thanks for the language guidance there - if any terminology makes it into the first draft that you don't like I can always change it anyway, but it's good to get an idea before I start. The thing is Willow's terminology probably would be more like Pippi's, at least until she learned some more. Well, Willow likes learning so I'm sure the frat guys can teach her!

I just looked it up, seems like Warren was over at tech college in Dutton after a single semester at Sunnydale, so safely out the way. I figure there's enough sex to do without bringing him in just for character bashing Jonathan got a huge ego boost in the episode Superstar! I might use Parker as well he was probably a Freshman that year, since he's disparaging about 'em the next year.

I don't usually add sound effects of the *slap* variety and I don't tend to write out a lot of grunts either just because it comes across as repetitive and mostly isn't all that close to real sound anyway. I'll try and put in some for the request though! Actually, the occasional convoluted circumlocution is also kind of my style, but again I can knock it out if you don't like it in the first draft.

I just figured the ghost guy could basically appear as non-corporeal except for the dildo! Not sure if it would work. The other idea is a self moving idea - everybody is having a rest so they leave Willow with a couple of magic sex toys. Willow likes magic!

[julpups]

Sorry, I thought you were referring to the guys with saying 'her flower'. For Willow though it makes sense and is okay.

Yeah, but Jonathan's 'ego-boost' backfired spectacularly and he was left even more pathetic and pitiful than before.

I agree with the sound effects. If at all, then only very seldom and well placed for emphasizing. Usually it's better to write 'she grunted' instead of *grunt* anyway.

e.g.:

Quote from the story 'Restless Nights' by Inell, BtVS S02 Angelus/Willow:

...

"Mmmmmmm, you're a good little c*cks*cker lover," I say smiling down at you and you just grunt your reply, too busy at your craft to pause.

...

I didn't mean that I don't want circumlocutions, just that you don't have to use them. I've read good stories using both, straightforward and circumlocution wording. The effect can be the same, it depends on the author.

Why not coaxing Willow to 'play' with her magic toys in front of them? Speaking of teaching, they could throw in suggestions what she should do and say. But at later time not right at the beginning. They order her in various positions, shoot close-up photos and film it. And when she is about to come, some guys stand up, masturbate and ejaculate on her. Something like that maybe.

I was thinking about the DVDA double blow double hand-job thingy. I like it and would be thrilled when you include it, but I was wondering about the logistics behind such an act with so many participants. You know, with the many limbs and hips and the limited angles for optimal penetration.

I thought of one position, where two men lie on the floor, two men stand on both feet while the other four would stand each on one feet...

Willow would be on her knees bent over. Very tricky and risky that they end up in an inextricable tangle on the floor. Have you already something in mind?

Edited February 7, 2016 by julpups

[JayDee]

I figured using a couch. A couple of the skinnier/better hung guys sat side by side, pushing their junk upwards, with Willow kneeling towards/between them, two guys stood up behind, two guys behind the couch having a sword fight in Wilow's mouth, and then two stood/kneeling on either side of the guys on the couch for handjobs. Lots of lube and easing in, and porno logic on stretching. It'd probably come a lot later on in the story, with guys trying to one up each other doing stuff they'd seen or heard about in pornos and Willow being a trooper and going along. A few of them would probably not enjoy so much the physical stimulation of the DVDA all-hands-on-dick as the concept and the sight - because it wouldn't be that easy to thrust properly with the angles needed anyway. That make sense? It's going to be a first gangbang for the freshmen/high school guys, and some of the demons too. An easy wipe leather couch would be essential I figure. Don't want to get it too much into naked Twister territory.

"This guy's got a gag cock!"

Willow frowned, and asked "What's a gag coMmphh"

I've gotta stop wasting creativity on joke dialogue. Moving on.

I suppose the terminology the guys use will depend on their own personalities as you've commented early. Some won't say much at all. Jonathan wouldn't say anything degrading unless twisted into it, one might even start joking around with silly over the top terms, but it wouldn't be in seriousness, just to see if he could make Willow laugh with her mouth full, say. Someone like Parker who is a total asshole would probably just dump a load and then leave to meet the next girl he's got a date with and tell her he loves her. One guy, hell, it might be his first time beyond third base, but most of them will need a decent level of experience at least so that they keep Willow well stimulated too. Rather than keeping track of how many times they come, it might even be a nice twist for them to try and keep track of Willow's. On a tangent, given your list of acceptable fluids, would that put a porn-tastic "squirting" scene out of the picture?

For filming/close ups - Handicams and a few 35mm cameras for stills, maybe one digital camera. I won't get into the technical side too much. Hey, they can get Jonathan to help them edit the footage afterwards! Make it more professional looking, since there won't be many AV club guys there

One thing I'll try and do once we've got the ideas talked out is write out a bullet point run of what order the bigger set pieces are going in, should stop things getting mixed up when I start to write.

[julpups]

Definitely better than my scenario; it doesn't look too silly and is more stable.

An idea to improve the angles:

Make it a bigger couch. You know, those where you rest on not by sitting but by lying. Those where the seating-area is much bigger in depth. I don't know the word.

In German it's called 'Liegesofa'.

The two guys responsible for her vagina, lie on their backs side by side with their heads resting on the couch-back. They are slightly turned to each other with their inner legs straight side by side and their outer legs spread outwards, knees bend and in the air. They're rather skinny so their hips won't be in the way to put the penises abreast too much. The spread legs give their a better angle for upwards thrusting. What they're lacking in body mass they compensate with very long and thick manhoods and big and heavy testicles (they could be two of the demon fellows). I kinda like it when the balls move up and down from the momentum by upward thrusts, makes it kinda nastier. Willow is straddled over both skinny waists, her legs each outside of the guy's outer legs, chest to their chests and bend over to expose her rectum. The two guy's responsible for the anal pleasure are rather bulky in figure and well-hung as well. One mounts her, so he is bend over her back, her and his after are on top of each other. The other one kneels behind her. As you said two guys sword fighting behind the couch and additionally the last two on the sides for the handjob.

Occasionally, some of the others could try to push one away to get to a hole ("Man, others want a shot too!"), or try to drive a wedge between them to jerk off on her.

As for squirting: She can of course have much self-produced lubrication, so that the guy who ate her out has his mouth, chin and nose covered in her juice. But the actual squirting is reserved for the males. There you can let off steam how you desire. The one can fire huge amounts with much pressure and fast tempo while the other has to come close to her, holds his member on her forehead (e.g.) where it rather oozes out and runs down her face.

I wrote the warning 'cock-whipping' in the request. They could coax her to kneel on the floor with her face turned upwards. The guys are gathered close around her and whipping their shafts on her face and tongue. The purpose of that scenario is to have a proper intro or outro for the video. You know, how it is often in those trailers of porn-clips. Just an idea.

[JayDee]

I don't know that there's a specific name for that couch type in America, I figure the way to cover it (besides having a German exchange student for exposition) is just to have several couches of variable quality and maybe mention that one as the biggest/deepest. Mention couples have used it as a squashed bed before, something like that.

Sounds like the cockwhipping would fit more at the end than the start, especially with them working up to to the first sex. It's not a term I think I'd heard before, but I get what you're meaning about it. Can probably have a couple of guys referenced as pulling out to ejaculate and shaking off against her too earlier on. I haven't actually seen a lot of porn clip trailers! I had a very slow internet connection for many years and so didn't watch a lot of video online. I've seen a few pornos though, so I figure I can cover the whole theme. As a whole I think I'll be approaching this story as more of a porn-film styled take than my usual porn fics. It'll make it a little different to what I've done before.

Talking of dripping down the face - semen in the eyes stings a lot and this is aimed at being a physical suffering free fic. I was thinking they could maybe have a little water nearby to wash out Willow's eyes now and again, and while aiming aiming at every other part of her (you always get at least one foot fan) avoiding the eyes. What do you think? Or just gloss over the stinging if you'd prefer.

Also - actual cropped screencap without any editing beyond the crop. Because I have a dirty mind.

[julpups]

Thanks for the screencap!

If you take a German exchange student, then take one from North-Germany. Superficially viewed, they have dry humor (similar to Brits with irony, sarcasm & cynicism), appear a bit grumpy, are sometimes unintentionally funny, short-sentenced and deadpanning (actually a bit like Angel without the pained look and the handsomeness). I can provide some German terms here and there and help how Germans formulate if they try to speak English. But if at all, then just as a small sub-sub-sub-sub-plot-aspect since most readers won't understand it anyway.

And no rolling 'r' please; that are the Austrians.^^

Oh, and don't Mary Sue me! That would be pretty much overkill.

So back to seriousness:

Yeah, the cockwhipping would fit at best at the end or the mid-end.

The occasional pulling out and ejaculating on her body followed by an absent shaking off is hot and approved.

I like the idea with the occasional eye-washing. It would also be a measure to stay in her good graces when they're gentle with her here and there. You're right, the fic is not supposed to make Willow physically suffer (much). I figure the same applies to the deepthroating and facefu***** parts which makes the eyes red and tearful as well.

While we're at it, have you thought about gag-reflex and cutting off oxygen?

She could have no, or a very weak gag-reflex since it isn't told otherwise in the show. Or she will be taught into it. What do you prefer?

For the oxygen: Either we take the easy way, like many porn-fics do, and breathing through the nose is possible while a penis is locked to the hilt in her throat or they pull out regularly to let her breath. She should be able to hold her breath for an over-average time-span though. I like the facefu***** going on for a while without interruption.

*Edit*:

As for the manners of the guys: I already like how you want to approach it with first the sweet-talking, cuddling, fondling then crowding etc; how you had described in your first post.

You could add to the humiliation-parts, twisted sweet talking parts too (well it's actually humiliation too).

Like:

***

"Oohh, what's this? That are some cute little titties you've got there." He gently pulled on her nipple.

"Hey guys!" he shouted. "Don't you think this beautiful slut has fantastic tits?"

"Yeah!"

"Awesome!"

"Come on sweetie," he coaxed her gently. "Show them. Don't be shy"

Shyly she turned around and jutted her breasts out, provoking the crowd the cheer and to whistle in approval. Willow blushed and looked down. ***

Yeah I know, I suck at it; but I hope you get what I mean.

Edited February 7, 2016 by julpups

[JayDee]

I actually quite often have tiny jokes in my stories that would only mean something to one person in a million, like onetime a pun based around Chaucer's use of the word quaint. I don't write real people in though. I did that for one guy, turned out he'd used his real name. And his sister's. And so I just stay away from real person stories. I was just thinking, who better than a German to explain a German term if used! I'll make a note not to include any jokes that rely on stereotypes of Germans "Otto Normalverbraucher whipped out his blutwurst and penetrated Willow with ruthless Teutonic efficiency" Ok that's enough needless offensiveness.

Probably best to have a sort of porn-styled sped up training of the gag reflex. A sword swallower can use a sponge on a string to train fairly quickly, but this is a porn fic so can compress it into a night. The guy blow won't even make it into Willow's throat, then when Willow's laid back on the couch with her head over the end someone'll slide on in there until the whole coin purse on the forehead moment. All part of the increasing the intensity throughout the night for what's happening. After a while someone can go until she's quite red in the face - contrast/compare hair etc - and then she'll have time for a bit of panting and catching her breath. I don't want to write the same blow job a dozen times with different guys Can always talk about breathing techniques learned during meditation while practising stilling her mind with training at the magic, too. If only to see if a witch reviews to point out they aren't any good for blowjobs and do not in fact exist. Before turning me into a newt.

A certain amount of red/eyes watering is ok for realism and probably as rough as the story will get. I see that different to the stinging though, because it doesn't have to be bad or painful, especially if the story reached a point where she's trusting the guys not to choke her unconscious or do something that makes her fear for her life, while the stinging would be just pain.

I'll try and get a bit of a bullet point plan in the next couple of days, and then the first thing after that will be writing the intro. I sometimes write chunks of text to go in later, or move things about, but usually try as much as possible to start at the start with my writing.

Edit - I hadn't seen the edit when I did the above - I might be able to fit in something like that! Maybe have a couple guys pretending to stand up for Willow to get a little closer. They aren't that nice, some of them.

Edited February 7, 2016 by JayDee

[julpups]

I will always wonder how of all things 'Otto Normalverbraucher' has made it to a such a common term regarding 'German' among the Anglo-Saxon population on this planet.

Literary it means Otto-average-consumer where 'Otto' is the name of one of the biggest catalog companies in Germany. You could find 'Den Otto Katalog' nearly in every household around 15 years ago. But since Amazon & Co. they have a though existence and are barely holding up.

Back to porn:

Somewhere in the middle they could do a blowjob or rimming chain/line/queue. Means the guys line up and Willow has work to do. Not all men, maybe five to ten, and you don't have to explicitly go through everyone individually, but, you know... more to fill the night.^^

Hmmm... cock-swapping; means the shaft penetrates a few times, then pulls out only to be immediately replaced by another, who thrusts also a few times, pulls out and is replaced by the first again and so on, interrupted just with an occasional close-up on the gaping orifice.

Uh the beer-bong you've mentioned a few posts earlier is approved by the way. The needed huge amount of come could have been gathered previously before Willow showed up and been stored in some buckets. You said something about a demon potion which increases their libido, stamina etc where I suggested that it could also cause temporary infertility. In addition it could increase the semen production (which is actually weird: it makes infertil but increases the semen production) essentially, particularly right after the ingesting.

Or they're just so depraved that they always have some buckets ejaculation in their refrigerator, just in case.

Sorry, I have totally forgot about that. If I don't reply to something specific from you, consider it as approved. My receptiveness is sometimes a bit low.

*Edit*:

So a last one before I go to bed:

I spend the most of the day with watching different kinds of porn to measure what I like and what I don't.^^

A slight adjustment concerning squirting:

I just watched a lesbian porno where she was brought to orgasm by her participants hands, four-fingers-deep and roughly jerking. When she had climaxed she 'squirted'; but it was more like, I don't know... splashing? I'm trying to find the right term. It's more like oozing out in rather over-average amounts and through the rough and jerking hand-motion, some drops are flying around. It was accompanied with wet jerking sounds and loud and frantic pleasure-screaming. That is actually hot and you can use it, but I don't like it when she comes like a man, amount-wise, pressure-wise, distance-wise.

Saliva:

The lesser nice guys can occasionally spit into her face during a blowjob as a further sort of degradation. But occasionally and in small amounts. And no yellow, green or another color. Just normal spit as in transparent.

As for Willow and saliva production during deepthroat; no messiness; strands of spit which are connected from her mouth to the penis after he pulled out are okay (and natural) and she can even push out a bit more spit which runs down her chin. I mean e.g.: He is lodged to the hilt and holds her for a while and then he pulls out roughly and fast. The sudden movements creates a mix of a gagging and burping sound followed by too much spit in her mouth which she pushes out. But not this messy deepthroat stuff which exists, where deliberately her whole face is coated (especially in the 69 positions) with white bubbly saliva, nearly vomit. That's just gross.

Okay, good night.

*Edit #2*

Good morning!

I have found this. Is actually from 'Gingerbread' and also completely unedited. Because I have a dirty mind, too.

*Edit #3*

Man, her face is so expressive.^^

*Edit #4*

No more screencaps for now but a few more thoughts:

Creampie:

Though there obviously will be oozing out of all orifices, which is okay and wanted (lubrication), please don't make her hunker down and let her press it out in some sort of disguised scat action. I don't claim that you would, but since you're willing to write almost everything nasty, I thought it would be better to rule it out.

But there can be a close-up at the end, maybe before the cockwhipping, of her holes filled with come for video-purposes.

Angel:

I just thought it could be funny to include Angel with a mini-mini arc into the story. Not as participant, mind you; I thought about something like:

He walks the night for demon-hunting near the frat house and smells the sex and come. He's curious, tracks the smell down and ends up in front of the building. Angelus likes to peep and so does Angel, though he feels guilty about it. So he peers through the window and sees Willow in full gangbang. He is shocked but intrigued (He never get's any after all; damn curse!) He watches a bit further and after he is semi-assured that it's consent he becomes guilty for peeping on his one-and-only-love's best friend. He retreats to his mansion and broods.

Could explain why he always seemed a bit awkward and uncomfortable around Willow and only barely talked to her. And it would put the whole 'Puppy' issue in 'Doppelgangerland' to a new perspective.

Not meant as character bashing but as a little funny insertion. I like his character, especially in AtS S01-03.

What do you think?

*Edit #5*

Another one.

Concerning a possible German exchange student and your mentioning of including something tiny which only means something to one in a million:

Willow is Jewish; I don't know if it was mentioned in the show if she can speak/understand Yiddish. Anyway, some forms of Yiddish have a lot in common with German regarding vocabulary and pronouncing. At least I think so. Please don't sue me if I'm spreading a myth and wrong facts.

I thought of to have a German student, who occasionally slips unconsciously back to his mother language in the throws of passion and Willow is able to understand most of it and sometimes even tries to answer accordingly. You know, some kind of strange sex-talk where the others are confusedly scratching their heads. It could be rough, nasty, funny or altogether that doesn't matter.

About how his character should be, I would leave to you. He can be one of the open meanies, the disguised with sweet-talking meanies or the rather compassionate/considerate/tentative type since he is a bit unsure of himself with being in a foreign country (not speaking of the Hellmouth) thus an outsider and all.

I could be helpful by translating figuratively.

e.g.: "Suck my d*ck, b*tch!" would be "Lutsch' mein' Schwanz du Nutte!" (lit.: "Suck my tail you h**ker!")

But he keeps to be a background character, means he seldom and randomly pops up and then goes back into his corner (fig.). We don't want to chase away the majority of potential readers who wouldn't understand it (with this being an English-speaking forum and all).

To avoid any mary-sueing, which would be awkward and a tiny little bit abject too, don't make him about six feet tall, brunette, green-eyed, around twenty pounds too much weight and bulky, then we're golden (okay, you can't be for sure^^).

I'm too old to pass as High school/college student anyway.

But to put you at least at ease for sure with the name (should you want to name him):

forenames: http://www.firstnamesgermany.com/

surnames: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_the_most_common_surnames_in_Germany

They are pretty up-to-date and realistic, so you won't end up with Hans-Peter Müller.

Masturbating as in hand-jobs/finger-f*cking:

Approved. I like the picture of Willow jerking him off and pointing his shaft at her open mouth; and as I mentioned above, finger-fucking on her with that kind of 'squirting' and with her keening and screaming is pretty hot.

Oh, and no fisting. Four-fingers-deep is enough, with this story being physical-suffer free and all.

As for BDSM: a random spank during anal sex is okay, also to cuff her hands behind her back with handcuffs during a particular blow job when it's consent. But nothing further like bondage or full spanking-sessions etc.

*Edit #6*

I just keep going if you don't mind.^^

About the looks of Willow's vagina, breasts, after and anus (color, form etc.) and overall her naked body:

Some older Playboy pics of AH give a good impression about texture, color, freckles etc. about her naked skin below the shoulders But their aren't any nude pictures, so since I implied earlier that I like a descriptive narrator who not only says that there is a p*ssy but also describes how it looks like and what it does (i.e. gaping rectum exerts and relaxes after anal sex, vagina leaks out juice etc, moving throat-muscles during swallowing etc.), I'd like to give you an imaginary description.

Do you wish a description per text from me (I'm not so good at that) or should I rather send you a few screencaps per PM? Only if that don't offend you. Would be some close-ups, randomly picked from the net.

And do you know something else what wasn't mentioned yet (for including or excluding)?

Oh and in addition to cock-swapping - hole-swapping: Means he does her from behind (i.e.) and alternates from hole to hole.

Edited February 8, 2016 by julpups

[JayDee]

That’s a lot to think about, I’ll try and cover it all here – as I say feel free to keep adding stuff in until at least the story is bullet pointed/written and I’ll get onto replying/writing as I can. I still don’t have as much free time as I’d like

Otto Normalverbraucher – Otto is one of those names that comes up as stereotypically German, like Herman, Fritz or Hans. And I’d totally call the character Max Koch if I used him.

Rimming/blowjob queue – Yep, think that would work. Would fit in well with the penis swapping idea, I think – Willow fluffs the guys up, but none of them ejaculate and afterwards they have a game of ring-a-ring-a-Rosenberg.

Beer-bong – “Chug! Chug! Chug!” chanting never seemed so sticky. Honestly, it doesn’t make sense for the spunk potion to include infertility – so the semi-healing lubricant can be the spermicidal element, and all the guys/demons not shooting blanks.

Probably just the one semen bucket – could even cover it being the result of an initial dosing of the potion being blowing a heavy stay-fresh load, so everyone has a gulp of potion, contributes to the bucket and moves on to await the evening fun. Could say they’d been intending to wedge the bucket over the door of the chess club. I’ll think about that. You can pretty much excuse that kind of thing saying a wizard did it.

The squirt thing – that might well have been a mix of whatever lube they had on set. It’s a porn-fantasy element, to be sure, but this whole story is based around porn fantasy tropes.

Saliva – Whatever is being drooled will be pretty thick and white because of the sperm content! No vomit, though, I got that. One day I shall write a story with a Roman Shower warning, but it won’t be this one

Screencaps – Yep, with a dirty mind one can screencap people in all kinds of smutty ways. Great actress playing Willow, though, I agree.

Creampie – Well, there’s the other lubricant being used too. Honestly, with the sheer amount of semen being ejaculated in this story it’ll come out on its own accord. Yes, very sensible to rule out anything you don’t want to see. It wouldn’t be out of character for me to write something in completely oblivious to the horrified reactions of the readers. Or completely amused at any rate. Any more stuff you don’t want included, say it!

Angel – I could add it as a ‘nice to have’ but unless the idea of him seeing Willow getting banged is especially arousing to you, I think it maybe it could detract from the porn. Everybody is going to find out anyway thanks to the bestselling tape they’ll make from which Willow will get a good share of the royalties etc. I’m reminded of his irritation in Angel, “Not a Eunuch!” he can get laid, it just can’t make him really happy! I’ll wait and see how that part goes, if it seems to fit in. I did kind of have an idea in the back of my mind that Buffy would be off distracted with a mope-a-thon to explain why she wasn’t wondering where Willow was.

The German Exchange Student – was a joke about exposition! Honestly, though, with the best part of 25-30 guys to try and give some character too, it’s fine for one of them to be over from the old country. Max Koch it is then. Maybe.

I don’t think Willow ever really used Yiddish terms in her speech, maybe it would simply make more sense for her to have a knowledge of German given her high education and time spent doing Scooby gang research in old books requiring an amount of language training. She’s really smart!

So far as language goes –I’ve found a lot of readers don’t much care for “gratuitous” foreign languages. If I am not fluent enough myself, I tend to put something in brackets to show a reader it is another language – it was that or have a Japanese character just say Nintendo a lot. Sure , I’m writing the story for your tastes but I can’t write fluently in German! I’d say the best option would be for me to write some dialogue in English translation for Max, but it in brackets, have Willow understand/others confused etc for that effect and then you could simply translate it for your copy of the story – and I can make changes to the English if the sentence structure doesn’t quite ring true.

The story is set in December 1998 – how were you passing as a college student 18 years ago? But, no, I’ll totally not write you into it. No real people!

No fisting? Well, fair enough, it’d probably be a bit sloppy anyway once she reaches Ginger Goo Girl status. Good thing to mention it as I say above, as fisting is the kind of thing I slip in. To stories.

Bondage/Random spank – These do seem the kind of guys who would slap an ass and say “Who’s your Daddy?” don’t they? Hadn’t really thought of including any at all so far as bondage goes, but sure, again variety, if one of the guys has a fantasy about a cuffed girl then this seems the night for him to live it. Then the others tell him to stop being a selfish asshole because they preferred when she had free hands.

Ok, think I’ve covered everything, hope my thoughts are clear!

....December, yeah, they’ll have to make sure they don’t leave nude Willow too long for Oz, it gets down even in California. Figure they can leave her with her clothes/purse in a bag and on a thick rug in case he doesn’t show quickly.

[julpups]

My last Edit (#6) overlaps with your post, I think you missed it.

When you're done with the bullet pointing/writing I'll proceed to small suggestions/comments/proofreading and such.

Hey! I could've been the annoying little brother who sneaked to the frat house per trunk-taxi. Seriously though, I forgot about the time travel. Back then I was too young, now too old.

The Angel part isn't necessary for the arousal; maybe just as a short break to take a breath (or to wash your hands or to apply some antiseptic ointment ). 'cos who watches a gangbang porn-clip in one go? They tend to be rather long.

But it's not necessary and subordinate. If at all, maybe one or two paragraphs and only if it fits.

Drooling sperm is okay, but I figure her mouth is usually empty, pre-climax-wise, since she's supposed to swallow every fluid immediately down which finds its way into her oral-orifice. Unless they're currently making her gargle it or ordering her to hold it until everybody has finished filling her mouth with salty goodness (I couldn't deny myself that comment) and then they 'allow' her to swallow (and ask her if it was 'good'). But in that case won't be a penis down her throat.

What I meant is there is messy and unmessy deepthroating. Messy means that she produces much saliva and let's it deliberately 'drool' out. The thrusting of the penis as a similar effect than a mixer has on cream. It turns white, thick and what I find so gross; there are forming big bubbles which are coating her face, especially around her mouth, and on the penis. And in the 69 position with her on bottom, it runs up her face and eyes. It's just Ewww.

But while I'm at 69: I already told you my favorite facef*ck position for her (on her back, head hanging over edge) and I encourage you to add any other position which comes to your mind; not just oral... anal and vaginal etc. likewise. But I digress, I also like the 69 position with her on top. He's eating out her forbidden fruit and love-tunnel simultaneously while she is sucking him by constantly going deeper and deeper. When it becomes frantic, he reaches forward under her arms and grabs her head on either side, holds it in place, and thrust furiously and deeply upwards with his legs spread and (again) his balls hurling up from the momentum and slapping against her nose/face. When he orgasms, he thrusts upwards and presses her head down at the same time and holds it during the climax. In addition, to make it more nasty, she can reach with her arms under his thigh and pulls them up while supporting his hands by pressing her head down, her nose buried in his testicles, face turning red, her eyes rolling back, some snot shooting out of her nose (not much and transparent!). Understood?

This can be combined with the penis swapping with one kneeling behind and one in front of her of course.

As for the Creampie, it will flow out that's out of question. I mean no deliberate *shitting out*.

Edited February 8, 2016 by julpups

[JayDee]

Yep, I’d missed edit 6.

Honestly, if I can’t describe genitalia or bodies I shouldn’t be in porn writing. I should stick to poetry about furniture. I’ll write it up as it comes and if there’s bits with more detail needed then let me know and I’ll pep ‘em up at that point. I’ll just make a note that you’re keen on lots of detail on the look of things!

Hole swapping sounds like a good way to spread bacteria. I guess that lube lotion can have an anti-bacterial quality! In a related point, Clerks 2 tells us that in the heat of the moment it’s ok to go ass to mouth. What’s your thought on that?

Following post – Ok, I’d not got that you want everything swallowing right off. I’ll keep it as clean as possible in that respect. Drenched with semen and a little saliva, but otherwise clean. 100% bile free. What if someone spills beer on/over her? Or food? Or gives her a slice of pizza with, um, special sauce?

Can put in a 69 I should think. They’re pretty porn standard.

Just trying to think if there’s anything missed you might like or not like... Big red bush? Felching? (no, I got it, no shitting out ) I dunno... I have to run again now, should get to check back about the same time tomorrow!