KoKoa_B

KoKoa's Review Responses and Discussions- Original Works

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Maid for You:

 

From Tahn on January 23, 2018
 

Oh nooooes, she's gonna burn the house down, but what a way to go.

 

XD I thought I made it clear that the cooking was done…? 

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The Summoner’s Destiny:

From InBrightestDay on July 23, 2019

 

Chapter 1

This is off to an interesting start!  I can only imagine what the main character's husband is going through.  He goes to make her some breakfast or something and then when he comes back...

The VR Sensory was the latest of its kind and boasted of being the best virtual reality experience you would ever experience in gaming. They were right. It was very risky but the device connected to your brain, tricking it into thinking that what you saw and felt was real. It manipulated all of your senses really, and it was well worth the amount we spent on it.

This does seem a little familiar though...

I like that you played around with the things you do and don't know about someone when you play an MMO together.  You get to know their personalities, but things like their sex are actually very hard to guess at.  The bit with Tweety was particularly good in that regard, with J guessing that the player has to either be a girl or a sex-crazed guy...and it turns out to be a normal guy with (apparently) a normal level of self-control.

Speaking of the sex-crazed guys...

Most of them forget that actions done in the real world would register to this one, and it was really annoying to see a player jacking off.

That image made me laugh.

Death here means death in the real world. If you’re in a party, you better hope someone has a Phoenix Down to revive you before the battle ends.

There's that sense of deja vu again.  Kind of reminds me of a Specific Anime Offering.

Right now, others in the real world are being informed of the situation. Any attempt to remove the headgear will result in death for the player.

Okay, for real though, while I'm guessing this owes something to SAO (or this is a weird coincidence), I don't want it to sound like I'm criticising you or anything.  I have noticed important differences, including the fact that the players don't get to keep their avatars, but instead appear as their actual selves.  This actually raises a rather important question: how much of their characters' abilities do they retain?  I mean, I'm guessing from the title that J will still have her summoner powers, but does Tweety even have a bow anymore?

This all certainly has me curious, and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter!

Okay, wow LOL! Just so you know, every time I get an email saying that I got a review, I have a mini panic attack! 

First, I want to tell you that I literally laughed out loud at the “Specific Anime Offering”. Yes, I’m guilty of this story being loosely based off of SAO so no it wasn’t just a weird coincidence. When I finally started to binge the anime, I knew I wanted to write something on the lines of it before finishing the series but I didn’t want to use the actual characters. Talking to the mods about it, I was reminded that this has been done before (Jumanji, etc.) so I made the decision to make this Original instead of a fanfic.

The characters, at the time of the “entrapment”, do keep all of their items at the time. So, Tweety still has his bow, and J still has her abilities and summon monsters. 

One of these days I’ll come back to this story… and my other ones… >.> so thank you so much for the review! 

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2 hours ago, KoKoa_B said:

First, I want to tell you that I literally laughed out loud at the “Specific Anime Offering”. Yes, I’m guilty of this story being loosely based off of SAO so no it wasn’t just a weird coincidence. When I finally started to binge the anime, I knew I wanted to write something on the lines of it before finishing the series but I didn’t want to use the actual characters. Talking to the mods about it, I was reminded that this has been done before (Jumanji, etc.) so I made the decision to make this Original instead of a fanfic.

Oh, don’t worry, I think it absolutely works.  The “first episode,” if you will, was just very similar.  I don’t think you’re plagiarizing or anything.  As you said, Jumanji uses the same “trapped in a game” idea.

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The characters, at the time of the “entrapment”, do keep all of their items at the time. So, Tweety still has his bow, and J still has her abilities and summon monsters.

Got it.  That’s probably a very good thing, given what they’ll now no doubt be facing inside the game.

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One of these days I’ll come back to this story… and my other ones… >.> so thank you so much for the review!

And by the time you do, I might just have reviewed Chapter 2! :D  Seriously, just ask @Thundercloud; I’ve been reading his G.S.P. story veeery slowly for quite a while now.

Oh, and as for this:

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Just so you know, every time I get an email saying that I got a review, I have a mini panic attack!

I feel you.  Every time one of those review alerts pops up on anything I’ve written, it’s an “Oh God I hope I didn’t upset them...” feeling. :)

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3 hours ago, KoKoa_B said:

First, I want to tell you that I literally laughed out loud at the “Specific Anime Offering”. Yes, I’m guilty of this story being loosely based off of SAO so no it wasn’t just a weird coincidence. When I finally started to binge the anime, I knew I wanted to write something on the lines of it before finishing the series but I didn’t want to use the actual characters. Talking to the mods about it, I was reminded that this has been done before (Jumanji, etc.) so I made the decision to make this Original instead of a fanfic.

Came here since InBrightestDay ping:ed me...actually got kind of interested in your story but I think I need to watch more of the real anime show first since it is on my list to watch and don’t want to spoil it.

12 minutes ago, InBrightestDay said:

And by the time you do, I might just have reviewed Chapter 2! :D  Seriously, just ask @Thundercloud; I’ve been reading his G.S.P. story veeery slowly for quite a while now.

Considering the average length of my chapters I think you have a fairly good speed and each review seriously deliver.

12 minutes ago, InBrightestDay said:

I feel you.  Every time one of those review alerts pops up on anything I’ve written, it’s an “Oh God I hope I didn’t upset them...” feeling. :)

Lucky for you that the review alerts works...I have not got it to work so I need to log in of AFF to learn if I have a review. That is a drag.

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For Don’t Jump, Chapter “Freeze”, here’s the recipe for the Vodka Freeze (Since this is an 18+ site, I will say that I do not condone underage drinking):

1 ½ oz vodka of your choice

1 oz blue curacao

½ oz fresh lemon juice

3-4 oz Sprite (or lemon-lime flavored soda)

½ cup ice

1 lemon twist or wedge for garnish

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For Don’t Jump:

From Thundercloud on August 30, 2020
 

I decided to read this story since InBrightestDay earlier pinged me on the forum in your review thread so it kind of suggests he thinks your stories are worth while to read...I am glad to say that he was right. I really like the story you are building even if it takes a   while to get to the actual sex (not really a complaint but perhaps answer why this story has so few reviews).

I think the interaction of the character is great and on plenty of occasions you give the reader the chance to read between the lines when stuff happens between Tamara, Thomas, Ryan and guess what the character really meant and in later chapter we get verification.

Things to improve is that it takes a fair while until we get a visual description on how Tamara looks. I am not really the ones to complain about this since I often forget to add the visual descriptions until the last edit of story, but in this case I had to kind of readjust my mental image of Tamara in the later chapters and that hurts the reading a bit. I also think it is kind of shame that Tamaras lady friends don't figure more in small scenes to flesh out her social life for the reader.

Thank you so much for the review! Alright, on to answering things!

  1. I’m really hard on myself so I don’t want to believe that InBrightestDay tagged you because they think my stories are worth anything but probably the other way around! I’ll have to hunker down and scroll through both of you guys’ stories to return the favor. I’m horrible when it comes to reading as a whole: I’ll do nothing but read for four months straight or not read anything for a year…
  2. I came onto this site after the little purge that FFN did on Mature works. At the time, I only had one fanfic series and believed that was Mature because of the language (now that I’m more experienced, I’ve realized that my Lyght series is most definitely SFW...). So, writing smut is still a new thing for me; not too many of my stories will be in your face from the first chapter. But again, being on here for so long, I have realized that most readers are here for the sex and when it’s not present in the first two chapters, they leave the story alone. Also… I tend to only update once in a blue moon because my muse hates me…
  3. I find it funny but thrilling that you said I give readers a chance to read between the lines because that was not my intention lol! Like, I have no idea how to do that on purpose, I just, write. I am glad that you’ve pointed that out though! I also suck at foreshadowing so keep that in mind…
  4. As far as the visual description of Tamara. That was sort of done on purpose because I have no idea how she looks my damn self! Another thing that I am awful at: I either info dump a character’s description or you get little to nothing- there is no in-between with me. I mean, I tried to scatter her basic looks throughout the entire story; I’m rereading it now and have seen two parts where I tell the readers her skin tone and her weight. I think there’s three mentions of her hairstyle but unfortunately, that’s it.
  5. Her social life was definitely done on purpose to actually show how little social life she has. Yes, she has friends but they are [spoiler for those who are not caught up] more associates than actual friends. This is, unfortunately, an ongoing theme in most of my books where my MCs either have shitty friends or they have only one or two besties. And are socially awkward to where their social life is itty bitty. Tamara actually attempts to beat herself up for how socially awkward she is throughout the whole story, always wondering why she has the little friends that she does have.

I hope this answers things and I’m glad that you gave this story a try! Also, I should’ve reminded people that this is a first draft of the story. I’m going to go through and make a couple of changes but that’s up in the air because I have no intention of making this a published story. It was something that I wanted to do during Inktober to try to kick myself into writing more: to try to get myself to write a chapter a day. As you can see, it didn’t work :lol:

Edited by KoKoa_B

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20 hours ago, KoKoa_B said:

Thank you so much for the review! Alright, on to answering things!

I’m really hard on myself so I don’t want to believe that InBrightestDay tagged you because they think my stories are worth anything but probably the other way around! I’ll have to hunker down and scroll through both of you guys’ stories to return the favor. I’m horrible when it comes to reading as a whole: I’ll do nothing but read for four months straight or not read anything for a year…

Feel no pressure about returning the review favor. I try to be good citizen and from time to go hunting for stories that have few or no reviews, but mostly I focus my reading time on those who had written a review about something of mine. If you find some story of mine that sounds interesting I would be delighted if you give it a shot, but what I write is not for everyone so no hard feelings if you don’t. If you are unsure about a particular story you can always drop me a PM, InBrightestDay did so for my G.S.P. story that he thought might or might not be his cup of tea...by now he has read and reviewed everything but the last chapter.

20 hours ago, KoKoa_B said:

I came onto this site after the little purge that FFN did on Mature works. At the time, I only had one fanfic series and believed that was Mature because f the language (now that I’m more experienced, I’ve realized that my Lyght series is most definitely SFW...). So, writing smut is still a new thing for me; not too many of my stories will be in your face from the first chapter. But again, being on here for so long, I have realized that most readers are here for the sex and when it’s not present in the first two chapters, they leave the story alone. Also… I tend to only update once in a blue moon because my muse hates me…

I don’t know about the preferences of most readers...the number of reviews is always way lower than the number of readers so honestly I think we at best know what a tiny minority of the readers prefer. I assume there are many readers here that are okay with visiting AFF and read stories they enjoy but not being comfortable enough to register an account to state their opinion.

As for the matter of you writing smut I think the sex scenes in later part of the story are quite good. One of the reasons I mentioned the upcoming sex in the later chapters is by the way that it is not totally rare for stories to have story tags for planned chapters that the author never came close to write before they lost their steam. A review that verify the story will end with actual sex can at least not lessen the likelihood that somebody check the story.

20 hours ago, KoKoa_B said:

I find it funny but thrilling that you said I give readers a chance to read between the lines because that was not my intention lol! Like, I have no idea how to do that on purpose, I just, write. I am glad that you’ve pointed that out though! I also suck at foreshadowing so keep that in mind…

In my experience quite many authors add the foreshadowing on later edits when they know what they need to foreshadow about. In your case I suspect you get it right because you have rather well developed characters so you can step into their perspective.

20 hours ago, KoKoa_B said:

As far as the visual description of Tamara. That was sort of done on purpose because I have no idea how she looks my damn self! Another thing that I am awful at: I either info dump a character’s description or you get little to nothing- there is no in-between with me. I mean, I tried to scatter her basic looks throughout the entire story; I’m rereading it now and have seen two parts where I tell the readers her skin tone and her weight. I think there’s three mentions of her hairstyle but unfortunately, that’s it.

I think it is quite fine to let the reader add the details in many situations, but adding the details over the story needs to be done with extra care. Maybe a possible simple solution would be that you add a reference to her hairstyle in the first chapter or something similar. It is rather short opening chapter so you have room to add some visual details without slowing things down too much.

20 hours ago, KoKoa_B said:

Her social life was definitely done on purpose to actually show how little social life she has. Yes, she has friends but they are [spoiler for those who are not caught up] more associates than actual friends. This is, unfortunately, an ongoing theme in most of my books where my MCs either have shitty friends or they have only one or two besties. And are socially awkward to where their social life is itty bitty. Tamara actually attempts to beat herself up for how socially awkward she is throughout the whole story, always wondering why she has the little friends that she does have.

I am not suggesting that you should change anything about her personality, but that maybe these other characters could be used on more occasions. Possibly to highlight that Tamara is socially awkward.

20 hours ago, KoKoa_B said:

I hope this answers things and I’m glad that you gave this story a try! Also, I should’ve reminded people that this is a first draft of the story. I’m going to go through and make a couple of changes but that’s up in the air because I have no intention of making this a published story. It was something that I wanted to do during Inktober to try to kick myself into writing more: to try to get myself to write a chapter a day. As you can see, it didn’t work :lol:

I would argue that it is the final story that matter and not if it took time to write. At least I try to tell myself this when I realize I have stories that I update about once or twice each year when things are progressing good.

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