Cuzo's Rant #3

[Cuzosu]

I...have mood ring eyes. The only explanation I can think of for why I have mood ring eyes is genetics, and even then it doesn't entirely make sense because presumably someone in my family would have it to a greater or lesser degree as well...right? And the closest are my dad, grandfather, and one of the twins (maybe also the youngest brother, but if so I don't recall seeing it yet), whose eyes merely change shades. Green-gray, blue-gray, gray.... Their eyes change very little compared to mine.

So. These mood ring eyes of mine. Apparently they scare some people (and some people think it's neat, but they're fairly few and far between, I've found). And I'm not quite sure why.

Silver...means I'm spacing out, in a trance, or thinking about something fairly hard. I was walking from a class to lunch with a friend one year, and he, with his bright bright blue eyes, was creeped out because my eyes turned foggy silver. It probably isn't very nice of me that I found it amusing...but I did.

Blue...means I'm calm, content, happy, or feel either like I'm at home or otherwise where I need to be.

Gray...the darker it is, the more I've set my mind to something. The more I'll hold whatever line I've drawn. It's a measure of my will, shown in color for all the world to see. (Well, maybe not so much in color...but you know what I mean. )

Yellow...I have this ring of wild wolf yellow that circles my pupil (similar to the darker ring that circles the iris, though the latter is always gray or blue). Wild is, I feel, the appropriate word choice because the mood this yellow signifies is feral. Literally speaking, it's my inner berserker wanting out. When I'm in a good mood, it can be barely visible.... But when I get angry, the circle widens and darkens, and it can turn from wolf yellow into a dark, dark brown...or into black.

Brown...means I'm angry and barely holding my temper in check. I've only had verbal confirmation of this twice, but both times I was close to fully losing it and going berserk and trying to kill people, so it's a color I prefer my eyes not to be. I've had people try to tell me (my dad included) that these anger issues were something I should work on, but the thing most people don't understand (again, my dad included) is that I've been working on these issues my whole life. I spent nine years with his wife making that task harder than it should have been, and he didn't exactly help with that. My mom told me when I was young about her own issues with the berserker problem, and my grandma on the other side had similar problems but more toned down...and I'm reasonably sure the male bloodlines contributed some blood-lust of their own. So I knew I'd have to work on it, and keep it controlled...and still, I've fully berserked once and half-berserked another time, and the only reason my dad's wife is still alive is because when I berserked I literally could not move. Thankfully for her, I managed to regain control before I could move again. (She, of course, doesn't realize how lucky she is.)

Black...means I've fully berserked. The odd symetry in this is that, speaking from experience gained when I berserked that time and couldn't move, what I feel when this happens (and see) is black waves rolling me under, like I'm on a sea shore and went out too far. If I don't keep my head up, I'm berserk and out of control. I didn't know anything from my body except the pain and lack of air, but that's normal to feel when you've just sustained rib damage. *shrug* Well, I've got enough self-control that I've only lost it twice in nearly two and a half decades. Not bad, I think, all things considered.

Green...this is the one I posted this to rant about. It can mean I'm feeling mischievous, or horny, or both. And, while the mood-ring-eyes thing is neat most of the time because it's really, really obvious when I'm getting angry...there are (admittedly few and far between) times when I'm not up for play that I do feel mischievous, and when my bf tries to play with me then, it pisses me off. I don't...I don't want to expect more than is realistic from him, but sometimes I wish he could at least ask before he started trying to play with me! (Of course, watch, the second he did, I'd complain that he was taking too long when I wanted to play. I feel hypocritical about that.)

My eyes have also been seen (so I'm told by friends who have seen me in a number of moods over the years, and by my bf) orange, red, and purple.... A light purple, the color of Cheza's eyes from Wolf's Rain.... I have no idea what moods those colors signify, but still. Strange, strange eyes.

The only color that is just one color in and of itself which has never been seen in my eyes is pink. (Except when I had pink eye, but that's not color changing, that's illness. )