BoobsWriter's Stories Feedback and Planning Thread

[BoobsWriter]

OK, I've decided to create this thread for discussion regarding my stories.

I will try my best to leave a response here for anyone who comments on my AFF work.

Here's what I've got so far (including the reviews I replied to...)

MF 2016-04-11 id # 3000052459 Latest chapter was... well... a little too on the nose in my opinion. The male characters are a little too one note in their lechery and crudeness. The stereotypical Asian accent was also more humorous than it was probably intended.

That being said, I dig the setup, as well as the DOA crossover. I do hope that in future updates there's more nuance to our male villains, so we can differentiate between them.

Cheers. JViper 2016-04-11 id # 3000052460 Another great chapter(6). Things seems to be going to be over the top from here on out, but it's a good over the top so far. I wasn't expecting a crossover in this story, though. It shames me not to have realized that with the name drop last chapter, but somehow I thought it was just a coincidence.

This version of the DOA girls seems more 4th wall breaking, I guess. Which is fine, since I don't imagine a teenager being able to subjugate both Tina and Rachel in the physical department. Then again this is erotica. As long as things don't turn too self-insertion-y or too mary sue-ish I'm digging the new angle.

I don't know if I can credit Zip and Alister's actions to sexual frustration. I hope they get at least one redeemable thing on the whole story. I'm not sure if it's just me, but one thing hotter than a Lara who doesn't want to do the sexing, is one who actually want to do it. So maybe we can have some glimpses of that later on, as I imagine this is all setup to make her "break".

I know it's already announced but I think a sexual battle is better than plain violence. I kinda wish you went the sexy game route on the condition from Itagaki, instead of a fight. Even if it is oil wrestling. The violence on top of the humiliation is a bit too much if the only thing Lara did was tease her employees. Now if you showed a really malicious tease from her, then my opinion would change. But this seems undeserved so far and I can't help but want to see Zip and Alister get the shit beat out of them instead of wanting them to fuck Lara.

I'm hooked and intrigued as to where you'll go with the story. And the broken English from Itagaki was comedy gold. DrkVrtx 2016-04-11 id # 3000052461

"RADIES AND GENTREMEN!"

Some might call foul on the stereotypical Engrish but it gave me a good laugh; humour and sexy time work together well so I definitely appreciate that. Speaking of sexy time, that Limo scene from Chapter 5? I'm all about that. Love your descriptive sequences, like I've said before it just paints the picture so well and your version of Lara is undoubtedly smoking. Besides this, the only other stories that have been able to paint such a vivid, sexy image of her for me are those written by PornEater, so personal kudos on that. I would like to see some kind of small victory for Lara here soon though, keep a sense of tension present between her and Zip/Alistar. Lara's a very wilful character and I think it would take more than a bit of (admittedly advanced) tech to 'break' her, as it were. Still, this is your story and you seem pretty invested so I'll just sit back and let you get on with it. It's top notch stuff thus far and I'm enjoying what's on offer.

Sammycolt 2016-04-12 id # 3000052462 Hope this doesn't make me look too much like a suck-up, but personally I disagree with some of the criticisms the other guys uttered. While I agree that Lara should get some wins along the way I don't feel like you portrayed the male characters too "on the nose". I feel like the atmosphere you're going for here is pre-reboot Tomb Raider, with Lara much more in badass-mode than the new, more sympathetic version of the character, so in that respect I think the male "villians" of the story fit it well in their characterization. Plus, it is a porn-parody after all, so making Zip and Alastair rather horny and taking advantage of Lara seems like a logic choice. Not that I want to condone their behavior in real life, but I think in the early chapters it was established that Lara did drive them mad and her teasing was far from innocent (she did grab Zip's dick for example), so I can see them building up a lot of frustration over years of this and in a porn-pre-reboot-Tomb-Raider, I could absolutely act the way you described them.

In the future, I'm sure you have some kind of twist for the fight in mind, so it will be sexy rather than a pure beat-up and I'm itching to see some Lara-action!!!

Overall, this is PornEater-level writing, which is the biggest smut-related compliment I can think of! Really glad you're writing this! mty14 2016-04-12 id # 3000052465 I'm not sure why you spent the first four chapters subtly building up to the moment when the two of them finally get their hands on Lara only to subvert it completely and totally pull the rug out from under us. That was very disappointing.

Other than that fiasco, this is quite good. FuckUSay 2016-04-12 id # 3000052468 Let me get this out... I HATE Alistair and Zip.
'not too mean?' I'm scared to ask what you think is.
GREAT writing... but I have no sympathy for these two assholes. HunterOpera 2016-04-16 id # 3000052473 Okay. This is gonna be a little long, but bear with me. I'm wordy.

There's an old truism that writing comedy and horror are pretty much the same thing. When I saw horror, I'm not meaning gore or jump scares, I'm talking deep-seated dread. The idea is that both comedy and horror are rooted in tension, the build to an eventual climax. I've heard people argue that the same is true of porn, though there are very few professional examples of this: the stereotype of wham-bam-done is far more prevelent than I'd care to admit, and it's dull. This? The story you've written? This is a strong argument for porn as art, following that sense of tension from one scene to the next, setting up specific punchlines and following through with them to build up to a larger climax. This is awesome.

You've also done a great job with Zip and Alister, establishing what their motives are and how they were able to trick Lara. They could be sympathetic if they weren't so terrible, each of them a conniving bastard, and their actions are made so much worse by the trust Lara put in them. The situation they've put her in is fantastic; it reminds me a lot of an old story called the Axis of Tantilus, but while the villains their were terrible on a world-wide front and were villains from the start, yours are worse for their simplicity and treachery.

Lara herself is well written, a perfect mix of fury and dignity being fought for under circumstances in which she has no control. It's incredible, thrilling, and I keep wondering if there is any way for her to escape this. Her employees have turned her body into a prison for her mind, and I have the sense that Itagaki is just going to make things worse.

This is incredibly well put together, and I'm can't wait to see what happens next. Xcinergy 2016-04-18 id # 3000052481 Excellent work so far, as much as I'm anxious for the story to progress the pacing is done rather well. JViper 2016-04-28 id # 3000052508 Awesome chapters! I'm really glad you went with a no "bruises" battle. Some authors get a little too out of control on their fights and frankly Lara is more of a gunslinger than a fighter, so it would feel pretty strange if she was winning fights against martial artists. Leveling the field to chokes only was a good step in this direction.

Otherwise it was a pretty by the book fight. Nothing much to comment on it. It was hot imagery, no denying that, but it was also kinda predictable with its plot twist. I liked the ambiguity though. I'm not really sure if the DOA girls are being fully controlled or if it's a more soft blackmail type of thing. Alister conversation got a little bit cut at the end. Even if most of it could be understood.

The best part of the chapters was Christie's BJ. I think it's only the third sex act since the story began. This is one of your qualities as writer: keeping the sexual tension high even though there's few scenes of sex proper. I'm loving it.

Curious to see where things will go now that the plan has gone south. Alister isn't the rescue guy, so we're probably going to have to see Lara fight from inside. If she gets out. I can see some punishment to Zip too. I'd love to see the guys getting their dues, but I understand they're the guys of the story and they're probably be submitted to some kind of sexy torture or something. Still at least wipes off the smile of their faces, like when Christie kept denying Zip his orgasm.

Overall, loved the chapters and can't wait for more! FuckUSay 2016-04-29 id # 3000052510

KARMAS A BITCH!
Lara's just gonna get what she's had delt to her for the last week. Zip... is gonna get fucked.
Shame Al's last command was to comply.
WELL DONE!

And my replies...

So, MF, I'm not really sure what you mean by 'on the nose'. I'm just having fun with this story really and don't want to limit myself too much by restricting my ficitonal world to the standards and maxims set out by the creators of the universe(s) I write in. So it's very possible I will make things a little OTT sometimes, but come on, this is porn writing - it's not like it has to obey the rules. As for my bad guys being crude and lecherous, well, yes, they are, but not uniformly so. Alister is still very much the mastermind behind the operation - he is much more devious, conniving, and smooth-talking than Zip, who is just the tech brains and a conveniently large cock for Lara (and others) to struggle with. Itagaki needs a little work, I admit, but I'm still thinking him over. Soon, some female bad-guys should make their presence felt to add a little more colour to the proceedings Thanks for the feedback.

JViper, thanks for your continued support. But the inclusion of the DOA girls, and their enslavement to Itagaki, is not going to break any 4th walls in my story. In fact, their subjugation by him is all part of an overall plot-line which will have an ongoing impact on the next few parts of my story. As for the fight itself, yes, I'm not really interested in writing about hot girls beating the crap out of each other - not really one of my fantasies. But neither do I intend to have Lara 'break' and become a horny sex slave for Zip and Alister - it wouldn't really interest me to write about a strong female character like Lara if all her characteristic strength of personality (particularly towards members of the opposite sex) were suddenly not present. So she's not gonna start liking it any time soon, unfortunately for her... And yep, Zip and Alister are not gonna have an easy ride from here on out.

Replying to your latest review: Yes, the fight scene didn't work out as well as I had hoped. Reading it back, it feels much too static, lacking the fluidity of movement present in the real DOA fighting games. I'm a little disappointed I didn't do a better job there, but I certainly gave it my all - something I can certainly improve on in my furture writing, I guess. As for your predictions about how the next part is gonna play out... lol, glad I can at least slip a few plot twists past you - your assumption that Lara is gonna fight her way out is way off. That's all I'm saying for now though. Your reviews are much appreciated!

DrkVrtx - Thanks for that man. Glad to know some of the funny lines I throw in there are not wasted on my readers. Honestly, I have a blast writing these stories usually, and often make myself laugh out loud with some of the dialogue, particularly between stereotypical African-American guy Zip and equally stereotypical upper-middle-class British guy Alister, and let's not forget super-stereotypical rich Asian business guy Itagaki... as you can probably tell, I'm not taking things too seriously when I write - this is just a way to blow off steam and escape from reality for a while when I'm not working my busy day job. Also, thanks for your kind words about my descriptive technique - I could do with losing about 40% of my adj's and adv's if you ask me, but it's become like a compulsive grammar tick for me now to over-describe the female form with so many details. guess I just enjoy that too damn much to ever become a real writer, lol.

OK, SammyColt... thanks for defending my story there. And you are dead right about my Lara being the bad-ass no-nonsense Lara of pre-reboot Tomb Raider. I don't really find the new games all that compelling as far as fan fiction goes. Sure, they are undeniably better made, with compelling storylines, striking visuals, great combat etc... but I really miss the cock-teasing outfits and constant upskirts and downblouse camera angles of old... it was just more fun back then. De-sexualised Lara is such a let down for me... Hope you liked the latest chapters.

mty14 - I see your point, but writing long sex scenes that don't really take the story anywhere is no fun for me. If you want that kind of thing I think you may be disappointed with my future work...

FuckUSay - Thanks, I think...I didn't really intend to make Zip and Alister total assholes, just conniving lecherous douches who strike lucky... They will get their commupances soon enough though, kind of... mostly for Zip however, and some of which he may enjoy a little more than he should

And HunterOpera, wow, this is taking longer than I thought it would, lol... maybe I will take a leaf out of your book and start a forum discussion... I understand the parallel you mention between porn and horror – the build-up, the growing sense of dread/sexual tension that ultimately leads to a climactic scene of shock/terror/sex. I've read a few stories online by some classic porn-writers and found that the scenes which really interested me where the build-up, in which the heroine is still herself and struggling with the situations the bad guys throw at her in their hopes of subjugation. So these kinds of scenes are what I hope to write most often in my stories. I'm not really sure about my work being porn as art, lol... maybe not possible by definition, but I do try my best to create a riveting story with a few twists and turns, set in a world that at least I can believe in, and into which I can escape temporarily while writing – which is the main reason I'm doing any of this anyway. As a writer yourself, perhaps you can understand...

So thanks for your review! and I hope you have something to say about chapters 7 and 8... certainly took a lot of time and dedication for me to write them... far from perfect, I know, but they do set the scene for some interesting things to come. Ok, I'm gonna catch up on your latest chapters now... you should hear from me soon in your forums thread

There... hopefully will post OK

Feel free to leave feedback whenever

[HunterOpera]

And HunterOpera, wow, this is taking longer than I thought it would, lol... maybe I will take a leaf out of your book and start a forum discussion... I understand the parallel you mention between porn and horror – the build-up, the growing sense of dread/sexual tension that ultimately leads to a climactic scene of shock/terror/sex. I've read a few stories online by some classic porn-writers and found that the scenes which really interested me where the build-up, in which the heroine is still herself and struggling with the situations the bad guys throw at her in their hopes of subjugation. So these kinds of scenes are what I hope to write most often in my stories. I'm not really sure about my work being porn as art, lol... maybe not possible by definition, but I do try my best to create a riveting story with a few twists and turns, set in a world that at least I can believe in, and into which I can escape temporarily while writing – which is the main reason I'm doing any of this anyway. As a writer yourself, perhaps you can understand...

So thanks for your review! and I hope you have something to say about chapters 7 and 8... certainly took a lot of time and dedication for me to write them... far from perfect, I know, but they do set the scene for some interesting things to come. Ok, I'm gonna catch up on your latest chapters now... you should hear from me soon in your forums thread

This really is the best means of striking up a conversation with people and working through stuff. I've gotten some great ideas and feedback here over the years, and I'm grateful for all of it. Would recommend, 10/10, will be back again, all that sort of thing.

I agree with you that it's more interesting to read about the breaking than the broken - the scenes that have interested me the most, on this site and others, have always been about the journey more than the destination. It's that psychological aspect again, chipping away at the core of a character to figure out what makes it work and then breaking it utterly. While it's interesting to see the final result of that process, it's never near as much fun as what builds up to it - but, by extension, an unbelievable process for that character can make a breaking feel false. It's a fine line to walk, and you do it beautifully.

The new chapters are fun and more extension on the sexual frustration side of things, though I'm siding with JViper on the application of violence. An "Ultimate Surrender" style fight would suit this perfectly, and play into the holds you're already using while keeping the tension high. Again, I'm still looking forward to seeing where you're ultimately going to take this.

Cool, man. Welcome to the forums.

[Guest Guest]

Welcome back... your majesty. errr... I mean brand new writer who has NEVER posted on this sight.

... forgive me. WHAT WAS I THINKING? madness.

​Let's start again... WELCOME TO AFF! I am very happy you came.

Just call me...

Davie Davies... or not...

my lord

[jviper]

Just saying hello and looking forward to the next part. I'll start posting the comments here instead of the review thing.

Cheers! Can't wait for next chapter.

[Guest Guest]

Idea for Zip, and Alistair: have boy genius castrate them as punishment for trying to rob him... how I do hate them.

[jviper]

Really liked the new chapter[9]. I still don’t have any sympathy for the guys and now I even have a little less for Lara, but hey, that’s just me. 2 wrongs don’t make a right. With that said I really enjoy the tease scenes you write and it’s a little bit disappointing that instead of Zip and Allister slowly turning on the tease game on Lara until she begs them to fuck her, they jumped the gun and went the nerd revenge route. It’s still a great read and proof of your ability as a writer that even when I find the plot weak and the characters unsympathetic, the tease and sex scenes are of an amazing quality that frankly doesn’t exist anywhere else. Except for the double Identity conspiracy thing, which doesn’t really matter if it’s true or not.

 

Please don’t take this as a negative review, quite the contrary. Your writing is good enough that even with my distaste for the plot and characters, I concede that it’s one of the best erotica I’ve read in a long time. Keep up the good work and hopefully we get to see the next chapter soon.

Edited October 3, 2016 by jviper
forgot to mention to which chapter I'm referring.

[BoobsWriter]

Hopefully I can reply at greater length to more peoples’ reviews in the near future.  I’m just too busy with work/life stuff lately, so whenever I get a chance I’ll just write rather than post in the forums.  But I wanted to reply to this one in particular, cause, well, I just don’t get it…

 

I started off liking this story and your writing is leagues above a lot of the writers I've come across in this community; but I'm officially tapping out on this story. Some teasing is fine -- but now it's just gotten to the point where you're just building and building and building only for it to never pay off in a satisfying way. 

And now there's prequel chapters as well? Gee. Because I totally didn't get the concept of Lara being a tease. I needed that spelled out further for me in a completely repetetive manner. /s

Like I said -- I like your actual writing; but I'd recommend making yourself an outline before writing chapters. One big tip for writing is to pick three things you want to make happen in your chapter and then focus on executing those milestones. 

But, as I mentioned, I'm officially done. I just find this story exhausting at this point. Sorry. 

~ Countess. xoxo. 

 

So first of all, just give me a second so I can throw myself off a building at the prospect of you not reading my story anymore…

….

Ok, done.

 

But in all seriousness, I think you’re missing the whole point of my story.  First of all, I just fucking love writing the kind of scenes I’ve been writing in the past two chapters.  Personally, I find it much more interesting and satisfying to write cock-teasing/blue-balling scenes because I get to decribe tthe female characters’ bodies in so much detail and I like writing about pent-up male sexual desire.  That’s just my interest I guess, but I’m pretty sure some of my readers (I’m looking your way, JViper) enjoy reading this kind of material too.

Also, I guess you’re a girl, Countess.  So maybe I can understand that you don’t really ‘get’ the whole male gaze sexual objectification of women angle that I am exploring here.  But to say that I am not accomplishing anything in the last two chapters is just not true in my opinion.  The chapter is called ‘Blue-Balling Zip’.  That’s clearly my purpose in writing the chapter.  And I’d say that is what I set out to do and that is what I accomplished.  Same goes for ‘Lara Croft: Cock Teaser’  – the purpose, or thing I want to make happen, is laid out right there in the title.

On the other hand, I appreciate that my writing is too slow, and it lacks events in the normal sense of narrative progression.  Yeah, that’s true.  I need to work on that big time.  Thanks for what you said about my writing ssttyle, but if you find reading my story ‘exhausting’, well, yeah, I think you’re just not getting the point.

[Guest anon]

hey man, your work is tight.  Wanted to ask about commission, it ok to PM?