MorbidFantasy Posted September 23, 2015 Report Posted September 23, 2015 (edited) http://naruto.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600105859 Tsunade's gambling debts come back to haunt her. As a result, she is tricked into signing a contract that basically forces her to work off her debt as an unwilling prostitute for the wealthy and powerful. Inspired by wierdmeijin's "The Fifth's Long Week", which sadly up and disappeared into the ether a few years back, along with several other excellent pieces that he simply never finished. With this piece, I aim to write it, and finish it, in a way that can reasonably fit it into the Narutoverse canon. critical feedback is and always will be welcome. Haters and trolls... well, you're not welcome at all but it's not like I can do much to keep you out, can I. I can only appeal to your greater humanity for mercy... maybe. Edit: Shit, forgot to put in the title that this is a review response thread. Admins? A little help? Edited September 23, 2015 by MorbidFantasy Quote
MorbidFantasy Posted September 26, 2015 Author Report Posted September 26, 2015 Just finished a 50,000 word writing spree! Already, this story has taken turns down several paths that I hadn't foreseen. Many ideas and plot directions just happened on their own literally with less than 500 word's notice. I'd be taking Tsunade towards one plot point that I had planned out 3000 words prior, but suddenly realize there's an alternative that is way better. Inspiration is awesome when it's in overdrive. Bottom line is, caffeine is a wonderful thing. Although I've just finished the rough draft for chapter 10, I'm holding off on publishing everything at once because of this. The lot redirection, new story elements from chapter to chapter, has resulted in a few inconsistencies on top of the silly grammar mistakes that my caffeine fueled type fest has left in. I need to do a bit of house cleaning before chapters 6-10 can be individually posted. The pace has slowed down quite a bit though, which makes this a good time to ask for reader feedback. Your reviews absolutely have an effect on the direction of the plot. I'm not begging for reviews here to boost the meaningless review count. I'm asking for honest critiques as to whether the direction I'm taking this story in is a good one. When you review, there's no need to stroke my ego. What did you like, what didn't you like, what would you like to see happen, are there grammar or mistakes that I missed. Whether it's reviews in the story link or a post in this thread, I'll be responding to all feedback, and using that feedback to better write The Legendary Sucker Chronicles. Enjoy! Quote
Maiteya2 Posted September 26, 2015 Report Posted September 26, 2015 Since you asked for scenes from The 5th's Long Week that we'd like to see in your re-imagining, one chapter does stick out in my memory. Remember when Sakura eventually finds out about the arrangement and gets angry at Tsunade? Tsunade then gets tied to a tree and Sakura spends the night yanking out her pubic hairs one by one, leaving her ex-mentor a sweat-drenched, exhausted mess by sunrise. There was also something to do with chakra in that segment, but I can't remember the details. Anyway, kind of a unique scene, was hoping you were planning to incorporate a version of it in your story. Good luck with this one either way. Looks like you're off to a great start. Quote
MorbidFantasy Posted September 26, 2015 Author Report Posted September 26, 2015 (edited) At some point, Chapter 4, which has no story and was written as a mini research project by me to find out real world equivalents to the ryo currenc in Narutoverse, is probably going to be moved either here or just deleted. So this is a strictly informational post, which is going to be very relevant within two chapters. In my version of Narutoverse in which this story takes place, here is how much a ryo is worth. 1ryo= 1.6 cents 1USD= 62.5 ryo. 10,000 ryo= $160 USD 1 million ryo= $16,000 USD 100 million ryo= $1,600,000 USD Tsunade's Hokage salary = $200,000 USD or 12.5 million ryo so on and so forth. Chapter 4, which may or may not become a forum post later, explains how I came to this conclusion. Economics plays a very concrete role in The Legendary Sucker Chronicles, so the purchasing power of everything absolutely matters. When the price of something is mentioned, there is a reason for it. In other news, just because I have chapters 6-10 written does not mean the plot of the entire fic itself is set. 6-10 is a comprehensive arc that starts Tsunade into the world of Kunio, setting up a lot of necessary back bone for future arcs or subplots. It is highly advised to read everything that is written, because I guarantee the sex is way better if given context, and chances are those of you who skipped even the smallest sections may end up needlessly confused. I'll admit I'm sometimes guilty of jumping forward to the sex scenes of other author's works. 99% of the time though I go back and reread the non-sexy bits, and usually, end up kicking myself for not having read it the way the author had designed it. Onto spoilers for those who take the time to read this post, don't read past this point if you don't like things being spoiled. SPOILER ALERT: Reveal hidden contents Chapters 6-10 In chapter 6, Kunio reveals that he and his older sister, both Senju, are orphans that Konoha, for whatever reason, didn't take good care of. His sister is the same age of Tsunade, and gave up her ninja training in order to take care of Kunio. When he was 7 and she as 14, the two of them were playing hide and seek when, like Tsunade does in chapter 5, Kunio's nii-san runs into an alley gang, who rapes her after knocking Kunio out, and then sells her to a sex trafficker. On a side note, that would make Kunio around 43 years old. I haven't physically described him yet, but I will soon enough. There will be more descriptions of the sharin/byaku duo Inomaru and Hikari, as well. This undercurrent of Konoha's shady side is going to be a constant thread in my fic, and will inform every decision made by Kunio, who is every bit a tragic figure, however evil his actions may be. He's like Danzo, in that they acknowledge Konoha's duality in both light and darkness. So, while he will never do anything to bring harm to Konoha itself, he is definitely going to be an antagonist for the entirety of this story. Ok ok that above section was fairly non spoiler-ee, acting as a buffer for those who didn't want it. Here are the real spoilers, so be warned, for realzies this time: After raping her, the gang will take Tsunade back to their hideout and continue to force her to have sex with them. Tsunade is completely depowered at this point, so can't fight back. The entire time, Kunio and his subordinates Hikari/Inomaru are monitoring her. After raping her, the gang decides that it would be too risky to pimp this Tsuna look alike out themselves due to possibly angering the Hokage if word got out. However, they then realize that if they sold her to a sex trafficker from another land, not only will they minimize their own risk, but stand to win far more because let's face it, it would be a pretty good way for enemies of Konoha to feel good about themselves, to see a Hokage look a like whoring herself out. How far Tsunade goes into this sex trafficking, I'll hold the spoilers for a little later. Now, more buffer before the official end spoilers signal. Inomaru is 16, and is very skilled with Henge, able to maintain it even when he's sleeping. He's so good with it that he can actually layer the henge on top of his sharingan and byakugan techniques, so even when he's using either of them, it doesn't show through his henge form. He killed or incapacitated Matsui, and is posing as him to gain access to the Matsui household's finances. He's generally jovial and humorous, even when he's being evil. Hikari is 19, and thus far, I haven't revealed in story his skills as a ninja, but he is more serious than Inomaru, being strictly businesslike. Whereas Inomaru is good with soft techniques like henge and other non-combative utility jutsus, Hikari is the most deadly of the two in every way. Both of them share a pool of jutsus including the following: Telepathy between themselves as well as with their sensei Kunio. They can also speak to others using this telepathy. A form of mind-reading and mind-coercion. Ability to control their sensei's mokuton: they can only control what Kunio has made for them, not create new mokuton on their own. Hikari can form visual barriers that even other byakugans can't see through. Inomaru can form sound barriers or seals of a similar function. I haven't decided whether both of them can do both types of barriers, but most likely they can, since this isn't really a kekkei genkai. In case it wasn't clear already, Inomaru and Hikari have Uchiha and Hyuuga genes. The former awoken the Sharingan, the latter, the Byakugan. They exchanged left eyes with each other in order to gain the benefits of both eyes. So, for future references, the right eye is their native one, the left eye is the transplant. Yes, this would probably mean that, like Obito, neither of them will be able to use Susanoo. It's not currently set whether they have evolved the Mangakyo Sharingan yet, or if they did, what sort of unique powers it has. Edited October 28, 2015 by MorbidFantasy MorbidFantasy 1 Quote
MorbidFantasy Posted September 26, 2015 Author Report Posted September 26, 2015 (edited) On 9/26/2015 at 4:03 PM, Maiteya2 said: Since you asked for scenes from The 5th's Long Week that we'd like to see in your re-imagining, one chapter does stick out in my memory. Remember when Sakura eventually finds out about the arrangement and gets angry at Tsunade? Tsunade then gets tied to a tree and Sakura spends the night yanking out her pubic hairs one by one, leaving her ex-mentor a sweat-drenched, exhausted mess by sunrise. There was also something to do with chakra in that segment, but I can't remember the details. Anyway, kind of a unique scene, was hoping you were planning to incorporate a version of it in your story. Good luck with this one either way. Looks like you're off to a great start. Yeah I remember that scene. The antagonist uses chakra to reinforce Tsunade's hair roots, so that each root is ten times harder to pull out, causing 10 times the pain (I might be fudging the multiplier here). Sakura, for whatever reason, is furious to discover her teacher is a slut, so uses the public hair pulling as both torture as well as strength training (honesty though, even 10 times the resistance doesn't make hair pulling that hard....maybe it was 100times?) While I can promise you other female characters will be having their own sexcapades, keep in mind that in my rendition of this story, everything still has to go full circle to fit back into Naruto canon. In that case, it would be highly improbable that Sakura would find out (or if she did, remember) Tsunade's sexy times in this narrative. The same goes for other female characters. I have a few explanations for how some of them might make it into the post time skip acting like nothing is wrong, but others I haven't quite sorted out yet, so until I do, I'm going to be very slow to bring more female leads in. In the end, it's just so much easier to work with original characters because they're blank slates. Edited September 26, 2015 by MorbidFantasy Quote
WillowDarkling Posted September 26, 2015 Report Posted September 26, 2015 Hey, there… I just noticed your previous post, with the spoilers, and wanted to let you know that you can hide those spoilers, leaving one of those little clickable thingies to reveal the spoiler for those who want to see it, while leaving it hidden from those who don't want to see. Reveal hidden contents If you click on edit, and get the editor window up, in the upper left hand corner are three icons. Click on the third one, Special BBCode, and there you can open a little drop down menu where you choose spoiler, then paste the text into the bigger window, and click on OK, and that should be it… I'm honestly dying to try that feature out myself, but wanted to let you know of it, so you can hide spoilers from view … Okies, I'll admit it, I tried the feature out, just to see if it works. Happy writing. Quote
MorbidFantasy Posted September 26, 2015 Author Report Posted September 26, 2015 On 9/26/2015 at 5:34 PM, WillowDarkling said: Hey, there… I just noticed your previous post, with the spoilers, and wanted to let you know that you can hide those spoilers, leaving one of those little clickable thingies to reveal the spoiler for those who want to see it, while leaving it hidden from those who don't want to see. Reveal hidden contents If you click on edit, and get the editor window up, in the upper left hand corner are three icons. Click on the third one, Special BBCode, and there you can open a little drop down menu where you choose spoiler, then paste the text into the bigger window, and click on OK, and that should be it… I'm honestly dying to try that feature out myself, but wanted to let you know of it, so you can hide spoilers from view … Okies, I'll admit it, I tried the feature out, just to see if it works. Happy writing. what what what?!?! Do I use <spoiler> or something? Quote
WillowDarkling Posted September 26, 2015 Report Posted September 26, 2015 Click on the little "show" button, and then you can see how to do it… Quote
MorbidFantasy Posted September 26, 2015 Author Report Posted September 26, 2015 On 9/26/2015 at 6:35 PM, WillowDarkling said: Click on the little "show" button, and then you can see how to do it… Lol just as I suspected, you use <spoiler>, then at the end add spoiler/ to end it Quote
WillowDarkling Posted September 26, 2015 Report Posted September 26, 2015 Yup, that seems to be the case… although I think it's [ spoiler ] and [ / spoiler ] not < > … but at least now we both know how to use this so, happy writing, and hiding spoilers. Quote
DemonGoddess Posted September 26, 2015 Report Posted September 26, 2015 yep, bbcode is always with a bracket Quote
MorbidFantasy Posted September 26, 2015 Author Report Posted September 26, 2015 (edited) Quote Body of review from TheSinful follows:[/size] Your explanation in chapter 4 reminds me of a comedy where Naruto manages to secure all of Tsunade's debt (not that she knows it's him). And when she refuses to make any payments, he kidnaps Shizune and leaves a memo that given how much someone of Shizune's ability is worth, factoring out room and board costs, Tsunade's debt would be paid off in roughly a thousand years of Shizune working for him. Think he eventually took pretty much all of Konoha's ninjas but "graciously" allows them to be used by Konoha, except doing so prevents the debt from decreasing and actually increases it since they're being hired from him now.[/size] I remember that episode, although I'm discounting it as non-canon due to its anime-only status. I'm a pretty stalwart proponent of manga-only canon, unless an anime episode actually does work to portray legitimate history, aka Shisui Uchiha's character arc.[/size] That being said, Chapter 1 of this fic was entirely informed by Tsunade's propensity as a debt dodger, which was why she was coerced into signing that chakra contract. Quote Body of review from Maiteya2 follows:[/size] Wow you get really prolific in short bursts, huh? Glad you're remaking the 5th Long Week, was always a favorite of mine. Looking forward to see your spin on this![/size] IRL stuff is almost always the culprit these days. If I had it my way, my days would be 20% videogames and youtube, 20% perving out to the works of other artists, and 50% writing (smut or otherwise). The last 10% is time spent drinking caffeine.[/size] Quote Body of review from Anon follows:[/size] Really enjoying the story so far and am looking forward to seeing where it is going from here. I was just wondering if there is going to be any Body Modification in the future for Tsunade or not?[/size] B-mod, especially in this story, has great utility in accomplishing short term goals. Since Tsunade can heal from any superficial damage anyways, it also negates the problems with long term effects on B-mod, so she could very well have massive hoops through her nips in one chapter, then not have piercings in the next. The humiliation potential for B-mod when coupled with exhibition is also a consideration. So in short, yes, B-mod is 95% going to happen, but it won't be gratuitous, since everything Kunio does has a motive.[/size] Edited September 26, 2015 by MorbidFantasy Quote
MorbidFantasy Posted September 29, 2015 Author Report Posted September 29, 2015 Quote Body of review from Ddinbych follows: Just wait until he finds out tsunades life hasn't been all sunshine and roses. She lost her loved ones she thoughtshe was the last senju when I think under other circumstances she would have been happy to find out she had family left. I know from experience that being an orphan is no joke. Heck you could even have a chap where she explains that she searched for senju and she once followed a rumour about a flower girl and her brother but when she got the place they supposedly lived there was no one there. I make this suggestion because as an orphan I find it hard to believe that she wouldn't try to find members of her family no matter how distant. I like the story its not just porn it has a nice plotline as well. That and the dude has to realize at some point that his anger is misplaced and I hope he realizes this before its too late for them to be a family. Although depending on your tsunade it might be too late. Again nice story and looking forward to seeing new chapters That's a very good point, and a very fascinating perspective offered by someone with actual experience as an orphan. Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts on the matter. When I started writing this fic, I wasn't 100% sure Tsunade was an orphan or not. So much of Narutoverse simply remains unfilled in or ambiguous. However, upon googling naruto.wikia, it appears that the clan name Senju has fallen into disuse and is only recognized in the history books. There's a huge narrative discord in this, because the way kishi had portrayed it, the Uchiha and Senju were the very first 2 clans to join Konoha, and it looked like both were quite numerous. It took years of deliberate segregation culminating in a massacre for the Uchiha to become extinct. Meanwhile, the Senju were revered and looked up to as the clan to lead the village. Given that, it seems absurd from a narrative perspective that the Senju have become extinct. My personal explanation for this is that the Senju haven't become extinct. Rather, in the vein of Hashirama's goal of absolute equality and unity, the Senju chose not to have its own clan-building and center (like the Hyuuga or Uchiha did), and rather just assimilated into the rest of Konoha. Thus, it may be that the last name Senju has simply become so ordinary that not many people know of its significance anymore in the modern age. This assimilation would also explain why Kunio and his sister got left by the wayside, as without a clan center and a place for the clan to congregate it's essentially every Senju for him/herself. I really do like your idea of Kunio finding out that Tsunade did search for her own clansmen, but I think he's already done the research, and seen that the Senju simply didn't band together and prioritize taking care of their own. Rather, it is only Tsunade's unique position as the Shodaime's progeny that made her at all special, which legitimizes Kunio's fury. In fact, I'm counting on Kunio to have done some thorough research into his claims, and, like what typically happens when someone very fanatically angry about his life is, has ignored any facts that doesn't support his viewpoint or twisted the interpretation of those facts to suit his preferred narrative. In light of your review I ended up making several modifications to the upcoming chapters: details that would lead into future plot lines. Cheers. Quote
MorbidFantasy Posted September 30, 2015 Author Report Posted September 30, 2015 Chapter 7 is up, here were my thoughts during writing: Up until the very end, I was going to have Tsunade walk home in the dark butt nekkid and stuff, too tired to realize she didn't even make it to Kunio's office, which would result in some punishment. Then it became more logical that Tanaka and his gang wouldn't just let this fuck toy off after one day, so I wrote in the ending with her being immediately recaptured by Shit-for-brains and the underlings under the auspices that only Tanaka promised her her freedom, but gave his men have free reign right then. The word I'd use to sum up this entire chapter is "Unfairness" Same goes for the whole price-gouging scene. Internally, the math was just taking 14hoursX6peopleX12500ryo/hour to get the first number, then work down from there. Brothel versus street side hooking prices in Vegas were used. Tsunade makes 12.5million ryo a year, which is just over 34,000 ryo/day, so once I arrived at 100,000 ryo I decided to further slash it down under that number for the sake of humiliation. The biggest problem with having written chapters 5-10 in rapid succession is that I probably changed my mind on at least two or three plot details in each chapter, which ended up messing up certain continuities. This chapter was especially so, as I kept getting the names of individual men mixed up for no good reason. Here are the spoilers for Chapter 8, which will go up as soon as I find the time to give it a final once over: Reveal hidden contents The following morning, Tsunade wakes up. Tanaka and two of his men have left for some reason, so she spends the morning being raped by the remaining men. When Tanaka does show up, it turns out that while they're too scared to pimp her out themselves, they've decided to sell her to a human trafficker from Iwakagure who's going to be pimping her out to the Daimyo of the Land of Earth, as well as other rich clients. Thus, Tsunade is bound and placed into the hidden compartment of a cart designed to smuggle people out of the village. What will happen on her journey towards sexual slavery in a far-away land? Stay tuned to find out! Quote
Guest Guest Posted October 2, 2015 Report Posted October 2, 2015 Out of curiosity, anyway to get any Naruko in this, or is it Tsunade only? For that matter anyway to get any of the other Naruto girls in there. Considering the grudge they seem to have against the clans, maybe Ino or Hinata. Quote
MorbidFantasy Posted October 2, 2015 Author Report Posted October 2, 2015 On 10/2/2015 at 8:11 AM, Guest said: Out of curiosity, anyway to get any Naruko in this, or is it Tsunade only? For that matter anyway to get any of the other Naruto girls in there. Considering the grudge they seem to have against the clans, maybe Ino or Hinata. A big problem with bringing other females into this story continues to be the fact that I'm trying to fit this entire story in between the timeskip. In Naruko's case, that means Naruto's off on that training trip with Jiraiya and not even present in the village. The grudge against the clans will of course be covered at some point. Of course, given the fact that the baddies have two sharingan users I plan on including genjutsu chapters where Tsunade is forced into nightmarish scenarios, in which anything can happen, so who knows, Naruko may yet be possible. Quote
Guest Guest Posted November 1, 2015 Report Posted November 1, 2015 I must admit the first time I read this, I was expecting them to use their control of Tsunade to get at the girls. After all as the Hokage she has control over where ninja are assigned. Quote
Guest roma_eterna_87 Posted November 28, 2015 Report Posted November 28, 2015 finally i was waiting for another tsunade gambling debt story ever since weridmeijin went silent any change we get to see more girls Quote
MorbidFantasy Posted January 4, 2016 Author Report Posted January 4, 2016 On 12/18/2015 at 7:06 PM, thonas said: Can I be. In the story Email me a character bio and ill see what happens. Irl got in the way again but now I'm back due to time freeing up. Hopefully will do another writing spree lol. Ended up scrapping the original updates as is my modus operandis. Also going to update fmc concurrently since ideas are coming in. Cheers. Quote
Guest Guest2018 Posted May 3, 2018 Report Posted May 3, 2018 It's been a couple years since your last update, but I was wondering if you were planning on continuing the story? I know that, in some previous chapters' forewords, you mentioned some critics, and it sounded pretty discouraging, so I just wanted to say that I've been enjoying the story thus far, and I'm just itching to read more! Quote
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