Dancing Winds Reviews and Replies

[DSaph]

Hi!

I'm writing "Dancing Winds" and I'd really like to talk about it.

It's my first ever fanfic and I'm willing to hear all feedback.

I'm going to reply here and if there's anything anyone would like to share about the story feel free to either leave a review or come here.

[DSaph]

So my first review from "Guest" #1 says

Very slow developing story. I wish you the best on future chapters.

Yes, it is a pretty slow story especially when it comes to the sex. It will include it, but I just couldn't jump right in.

I've changed the summary to try to reflect this. I know a lot of people come to AFF for instant/quick gratification but I hope it'll be worth it in the end.

Thanks for the well wishes and I hope you come back to my story for future chapters.

[DSaph]

My second review is from AgentGv01

Well it's a bit too slow of a build up here, plus the chapters are kind of on the short side a few of them could have just been merged to make the chapters longer and I think the slow build will turn off some people. I kind of started skimming since with so many questions without answers it gets a bit on the dull side. I'm not even sure where she is as the way you described where she was could have been better. Is she supposed to be that huge underground area we saw in the manga/anime or some other places? Plus how come she never once used any kind of jutsu? Also why is he wasting his time with all of this instead of fighting? It just seems odd that he just stops his plan before it's completion to do something like this.

I've been wondering about chapter length so thanks for that. I will make them longer. I personally couldn't tell whether they were too long or too short.

It'd be great if you'd let me know what "too slow" means. I know the slow build will turn off folks, but what do you think could have been cut-out or condensed. Maybe the Zetsu conversations? I'm not sure, but I'd like to talk about it.

As for the location, it's a large place underground that's similar to that place we saw in the manga/anime. I want it to stay a mystery to Temari, but it probably would be helpful for the reader to know. It's just that where it actually is located becomes an important reveal later in the story. So I'm conflicted between just letting it stay a mystery and telling you. Does it really matter where the place is to the reader?

As for Temari using a jutsu, which jutsu would she use? She had her fan taken away from her. There is also no way for her to leave that she knows of.

Madara is down there with her because he's bored and he's planning for his expected victory in the war. I think I'm going to explain that a bit more because if you're wondering then others are too.

[Guest Agent-G]

Yeah the chapters are a little on the short side, also when you have some place that is unknown to the charater and the reader use the character to describe it in more detail. We don't have to know where it is but you could have at least used her to look around an in better detail see where she is and what's around her. That way the readers get a mental picture of what you're trying to get across.

As for Jutsu she's a ninja she would have learned some other techniques that don't require her fan, she can summon that one eyed weasel remember? Plus it wouldn't make sense to only know jutsu for just one weapon, what would have happened if she ever lost it in a battle, she would be screwed and she's a bit too smart for that.

Also some explanation for why even bother treating her 'well' like now, he's kidnaped her for bascially a sex slave no real need to get all 'friendly'. In fact it would have worked better if she had been chained up and then slowly over time he gives her things like better clothing and more comforts whenever she pleases him. That way you can have her have an internal battle between resisting him and giving in, in various ways.

Maybe if the story started out a bit darker like the first chapter set up and then have the sexual stuff in the next chapter to help keep interests that way you don't have to jump right into it but as it is now for someone who is a 'captive' she's been given a bit too much freedom and a lot of things just could have been cut to later like the whole gifts things.

[DSaph]

Yeah the chapters are a little on the short side, also when you have some place that is unknown to the charater and the reader use the character to describe it in more detail. We don't have to know where it is but you could have at least used her to look around an in better detail see where she is and what's around her. That way the readers get a mental picture of what you're trying to get across.

As for Jutsu she's a ninja she would have learned some other techniques that don't require her fan, she can summon that one eyed weasel remember? Plus it wouldn't make sense to only know jutsu for just one weapon, what would have happened if she ever lost it in a battle, she would be screwed and she's a bit too smart for that.

Also some explanation for why even bother treating her 'well' like now, he's kidnaped her for bascially a sex slave no real need to get all 'friendly'. In fact it would have worked better if she had been chained up and then slowly over time he gives her things like better clothing and more comforts whenever she pleases him. That way you can have her have an internal battle between resisting him and giving in, in various ways.

Maybe if the story started out a bit darker like the first chapter set up and then have the sexual stuff in the next chapter to help keep interests that way you don't have to jump right into it but as it is now for someone who is a 'captive' she's been given a bit too much freedom and a lot of things just could have been cut to later like the whole gifts things.

Hey Agent G,

I know this is a bit much to ask, but I went back to chapter 1 and looked at what I wrote for the place description. I'm definitely going to add a line about how many doors there are, but what else should I add? It's just an underground room with a kitchen, dining area, and couch. I think I might go back and add some atmosphere, but then wouldn't that be adding more to the story without upping the tempo?

I then describe the three rooms she later finds unlocked. That's all she knows at the moment.

As for the jutsus. Other than her summon (which I conveniently ingnored although I'm sure I had a reason to do that) there's nothing she can really do other try to seal him, but I mention that she doesn't have any sealing tags. But I'm going to reason that out for her earlier in the story than when I do it. I took it for granted that everyone would assume there was nothing she could do against Madara. I'm going to go and lay all of that out in an edit. It should be pretty soon in the story so it makes sense as to why she doesn't try anything. I can definitely go in and reason that out for her.

I also need to pay more attention to Madara's intentions. It's a mystery to Temari, but I can definitely see how the reader would be like "BUT WHY??!!" I'm going to have to figure out a way to say it without saying too much.

As for the darkness...I'm still not sure if it's going to be completely dark. That's probably why I didn't do a great job explaining why he's so nice to her. It's definitely going to be dim, just not too bloody.

Thank you so much for this. I really appreciate it. I'm going to make some changes tonight. Hopefully they'll be for the better.

[DSaph]

Yeah the chapters are a little on the short side, also when you have some place that is unknown to the charater and the reader use the character to describe it in more detail. We don't have to know where it is but you could have at least used her to look around an in better detail see where she is and what's around her. That way the readers get a mental picture of what you're trying to get across.

As for Jutsu she's a ninja she would have learned some other techniques that don't require her fan, she can summon that one eyed weasel remember? Plus it wouldn't make sense to only know jutsu for just one weapon, what would have happened if she ever lost it in a battle, she would be screwed and she's a bit too smart for that.

Also some explanation for why even bother treating her 'well' like now, he's kidnaped her for bascially a sex slave no real need to get all 'friendly'. In fact it would have worked better if she had been chained up and then slowly over time he gives her things like better clothing and more comforts whenever she pleases him. That way you can have her have an internal battle between resisting him and giving in, in various ways.

Maybe if the story started out a bit darker like the first chapter set up and then have the sexual stuff in the next chapter to help keep interests that way you don't have to jump right into it but as it is now for someone who is a 'captive' she's been given a bit too much freedom and a lot of things just could have been cut to later like the whole gifts things.

So I went and looked in my original draft and I did explain it because I previously had Temari attack Zetsu when he arrived. I ended up cutting the scene because it was already a bit long and I didn't go back in and explain why she doesn't try anything. Thus creating a big gap in Temari logic.

[Guest Agent-G]

Well the little more detail did help although there really should be a light source as it's just really weird, plus also think about is the floor and walls smooth or more like brick and mortor type. How large is the room and is it a high ceiling or just average. Although looking back on this...I really don't see the point of the story. It's just really out of character for Mandara to waste his time doing any of this honestly. Plus just because she doesn't have her fan doesn't mean she can't do anything, I highly doubt she doesn't know how to fight without it. Yes we have't seen her without it but that's where writing comes in, hell given her intelligence I would have had her summon animal being able to bring her a spare just in case she lost her weapon.

I guess you could say have a complex seal placed on her that as long as it's on a user can't mold chakra since there has to be a way to keep ninjas as prisoners somehow in this world or it would be impossible to capture other ninja. Also for telling the readers what's going on all you need is to shift the focus to Madara's point of view as we see what he's thinking at the moment that prevents other characters from learning it while the reader isn't totally lost. And you don't have to explain everything but just enough to keep people interested.

Also I really thought you were going a totally different way with this story but looking at it again I don't think it's for me. I just can't see any valid reason why he's doing any of this or why Temari is just going along with it for the most part given she's a very strong willed woman and here you don't show any of that really. She makes a half-assed attempt of an attack and that's it. Not even showing her trying to figure things out while making plans on what to try next isn't even shown.

I mean if he's wanting a female companion I would think someone a bit more his own 'age' would be more appropriate. Temari is only about 18 by this point at the most while he's physically in his mid to late 20s I'm guessing.

[DSaph]

Well the little more detail did help although there really should be a light source as it's just really weird, plus also think about is the floor and walls smooth or more like brick and mortor type. How large is the room and is it a high ceiling or just average. Although looking back on this...I really don't see the point of the story. It's just really out of character for Mandara to waste his time doing any of this honestly. Plus just because she doesn't have her fan doesn't mean she can't do anything, I highly doubt she doesn't know how to fight without it. Yes we have't seen her without it but that's where writing comes in, hell given her intelligence I would have had her summon animal being able to bring her a spare just in case she lost her weapon.

I guess you could say have a complex seal placed on her that as long as it's on a user can't mold chakra since there has to be a way to keep ninjas as prisoners somehow in this world or it would be impossible to capture other ninja. Also for telling the readers what's going on all you need is to shift the focus to Madara's point of view as we see what he's thinking at the moment that prevents other characters from learning it while the reader isn't totally lost. And you don't have to explain everything but just enough to keep people interested.

Also I really thought you were going a totally different way with this story but looking at it again I don't think it's for me. I just can't see any valid reason why he's doing any of this or why Temari is just going along with it for the most part given she's a very strong willed woman and here you don't show any of that really. She makes a half-assed attempt of an attack and that's it. Not even showing her trying to figure things out while making plans on what to try next isn't even shown.

I mean if he's wanting a female companion I would think someone a bit more his own 'age' would be more appropriate. Temari is only about 18 by this point at the most while he's physically in his mid to late 20s I'm guessing.

I understand completely that every story isn't for everyone. So I really want to thank you for taking the time to think about my story and trying to help me make it better.

You've given me some really important things to think about and clarify. I hope I get more readers who care as much as you.

After I post the next few chapters, if folks continue to not like it I'll pull it and go back to the keyboard. This is my first try at recreational writing and I can only get better.

[Guest Agent-G]

Okay but just remember people come mainly for this site for sex ( in a way remember your audience when writing), if this is a story with little to none you might have better luck at FF.Net instead, especially if this story you could write without actual sexual scenes being done and only suggested. Also you have to think on what kind of story, a realistic one or a non-realistic one, so far it's kind of leaning to the right given the missing plot elements, illogical reasoning for some actions and other reasons I already stated but you also have still tried to write in a semi-serious tone.

Too many times I see people trying to do both and it just becomes a train wreck or do one of the others but keep switching. So maybe focus on what kind of story you want this to make just remember if it's a more realitic one you really have to get motivations down at the start and not leave motivations up in the air. You can do that when trying to make a character mysterious but as we talked about earlier too much right off the bat it only confusses readers.

[DSaph]

Okay but just remember people come mainly for this site for sex ( in a way remember your audience when writing), if this is a story with little to none you might have better luck at FF.Net instead, especially if this story you could write without actual sexual scenes being done and only suggested. Also you have to think on what kind of story, a realistic one or a non-realistic one, so far it's kind of leaning to the right given the missing plot elements, illogical reasoning for some actions and other reasons I already stated but you also have still tried to write in a semi-serious tone.

Too many times I see people trying to do both and it just becomes a train wreck or do one of the others but keep switching. So maybe focus on what kind of story you want this to make just remember if it's a more realitic one you really have to get motivations down at the start and not leave motivations up in the air. You can do that when trying to make a character mysterious but as we talked about earlier too much right off the bat it only confusses readers.

I did think about the audience. My story will eventually get racier, but I didn't think AFF was only for stories with mostly sex.

I have to say that I think my story makes sense. Anything Temari tries on Madara will not work because he's reanimated and she has no seals on her. She says that in my story. They would end up stuck in a constant fight and then he would kill her. End of story. My Temari is too intelligent to start a fight she knows she's going to lose. And she also doesn't have a way to escape. So she would just be stuck there by herself.

I also explained why Madara chose her. He doesn't kidnap her for a sex slave. I never say that. He wants to make her feel weak and useless.

What plot elements are missing? Some may have not been as fleshed out as you would like, but what wasn't there at all? Did you actually read my whole story or are you commenting on what you skimmed?

I appreciate many of your comments and I have edited my chapters accordingly, but to say that my story is illogical is a bit much.

Temari is often portrayed a certain way in fanfiction but in the manga and anime she is tough, but not reckless. She's well aware of her limitations. She also knows when to act nice and when not to. She does this with Gaara on multiple occasions by turning on the sweet sister act. I know my Temari is different, but she's not OOC unless you count fandom.

When I say "she has no seals on her" I mean sealing tags they use on the reanimated shinobi.

[Guest Agent-G]

okay you missread something I wrote down I was never talking about Temari having seals. I was trying to give you a way to explain why she couldn't use any ninja skills in that THEY placed a seal ON HER to prevent her from using charka. And of course you have to count fandom it's fanfiction meaning that it's fiction about a fandom. You can have things like AUs or some such but from what I've seen all the best stories are the ones try to remain as true to the core concepts of the characters as they can as it helps to sell the story. If you completely ignore how a character is, then you'd be just better off with an original character that way people won't get disctracted as to why they are acting so differently. Plus if you do have people act differently it's best to try and explain why they would be so the readers understand your train of thought. They might not agree with it but at least they could understand it.

As for missing plots things like why is he even bothering with this, why did he suddenly give up on his plans that he's worked for decades for and yes he had to have given up on it as at that point in the story he couldn't just waste his time with this as he needed Obito alive and at this point on his own he would have either changed sides or been killed and then the entire plan would be ruined. You can't expect to just leave a major battle and hope that things would still work out when he needed to be on the battlefield in order to be revived to life and take on the powers of the Sage. There is a lot that needs to be thought out and explained given the timing you made the story take place in. It doesn't have to be in all one chapter but at least some of it in the first chapter is needed to help set up the story and the characters.

[DSaph]

okay you missread something I wrote down I was never talking about Temari having seals. I was trying to give you a way to explain why she couldn't use any ninja skills in that THEY placed a seal ON HER to prevent her from using charka. And of course you have to count fandom it's fanfiction meaning that it's fiction about a fandom. You can have things like AUs or some such but from what I've seen all the best stories are the ones try to remain as true to the core concepts of the characters as they can as it helps to sell the story. If you completely ignore how a character is, then you'd be just better off with an original character that way people won't get disctracted as to why they are acting so differently. Plus if you do have people act differently it's best to try and explain why they would be so the readers understand your train of thought. They might not agree with it but at least they could understand it.

As for missing plots things like why is he even bothering with this, why did he suddenly give up on his plans that he's worked for decades for and yes he had to have given up on it as at that point in the story he couldn't just waste his time with this as he needed Obito alive and at this point on his own he would have either changed sides or been killed and then the entire plan would be ruined. You can't expect to just leave a major battle and hope that things would still work out when he needed to be on the battlefield in order to be revived to life and take on the powers of the Sage. There is a lot that needs to be thought out and explained given the timing you made the story take place in. It doesn't have to be in all one chapter but at least some of it in the first chapter is needed to help set up the story and the characters.

I still don't think you actually read my story. Madara is still on the battlefield. The fights haven't changed at all yet. His clone is interacting with Temari. I state that he's a clone a several times throughout the story. It wouldn't make sense if he wasn't using clones.

I really think this is where you're getting confused about Madara.

And I don't think my interpretation of Temari is so different or as off as you think. Perhaps I used the term fandom wrong. My Temari is very defiant, but she's sticking close to the manga and anime in her physical abilities.

She has access to her chakra but what the heck can she do with it if she can't get out. I did go back and make up for the scene I left out. That was a big gap on my part because I found that I actually did describe why kamatari couldn't work and how she knew there was no way out, but I lopped it all out without thinking about the consequences. I've gone back and added some of that back in.

But again, Temari wouldn't fight him tooth and nail because she would end up dying or seriously injured she knows this. She's seen Madara in action before.

Thanks again though for replying and trying to help me out. I would just appreciate it if you had read the story instead of skimming it before offering advice. There's absolutely nothing wrong with skimming something. I do it many times myself. I get that this isn't your type of story. I'm grateful that you want my story to be better, but at least read it well before giving those kind of statements. I'm really open to making my story better, but that kind of thing just frustrates and discourages me.

I know you write, and I'm sure you know how a review can affect someone.

I just want you to know your comments did help me in some ways though. I went back and looked at my descriptions and added a bit more as well. I know you're not my beta, (I need one, but no one's offered.) so you've already gone above and beyond replying to me. It's just that Madara thing got to me because I can tell you didn't read it.

Like I said earlier, if it continues to seem that folks don't like it I'm just going to remove it from the site.

[DemonGoddess]

Hi,

Just wanted to point out that if you ask for concrit and get concrit, please don't take offense when given it. When a reader takes the time to give concrit to you, generally speaking, the review is thought out. The idea behind concrit is to learn from it, to improve.

For chapter 2, you mention that Temari is not thinking while performing the tea ceremony. That is contrary to the traditions involved with the ceremony, as the actions are thought out throughout, as to how to keep it aesthetically pleasing, for one thing. There is actually a good deal of thought that goes on for the host, while performing it, down to the placement of utensils.

[DSaph]

Hi,

Just wanted to point out that if you ask for concrit and get concrit, please don't take offense when given it. When a reader takes the time to give concrit to you, generally speaking, the review is thought out. The idea behind concrit is to learn from it, to improve.

For chapter 2, you mention that Temari is not thinking while performing the tea ceremony. That is contrary to the traditions involved with the ceremony, as the actions are thought out throughout, as to how to keep it aesthetically pleasing, for one thing. There is actually a good deal of thought that goes on for the host, while performing it, down to the placement of utensils.

Yeah, thanks for noticing that about the tea ceremony! That's why Madara gets upset with her about it.

There's a note at the end mentioning that the tea ceremony is a thoughtful process.

Was that not clear? I'm finding that people are misconstruing what I write which means I need to make it clearer. What do you think could make that section more clear about Temari's actions in contrast to how they should be or am I wrong in how I read your message?

I am happy to get concrit. I just noted that one thing he said was absolutely not true. I even mentioned that his other advice was good. Next time I'll just ignore those parts that aren't really relevant and watch my tone with it.

I'm just finding this whole thing is pounding my self-confidence into the ground. Is my story really not that good? I know everyone won't like it. That's not what I'm asking. Idk anymore...

[DemonGoddess]

The story so far is okay.

As you're new to this (this being putting your work out in public) in the first place, yes, some of the advice you get may be hard to take as advice. But, it is indeed advice. What parts of it you use are up to you, as the writer. It's your story, after all.

The AN at the end of chapter 2 is what confused the issue for me

The tea ceremony I'm referring to is a Japanese tea ceremony for serving green tea called Matcha. There are certain things you do during it and there are theories behind the actions. I just wanted to infer that the actions are all meant to be meditative in a Zen kind of way, and Temari was just doing them without thinking about her actions.

It's not so much that it's a meditative ceremony, as it is an art form. If Temari gave no thought whatsoever to the service while performing it, it would have been an unmitigated disaster. So, she still would have had to put some thought in to it. Just not as much as Madara would have expected, considering that it was a tea ceremony.

[DSaph]

The story so far is okay.

As you're new to this (this being putting your work out in public) in the first place, yes, some of the advice you get may be hard to take as advice. But, it is indeed advice. What parts of it you use are up to you, as the writer. It's your story, after all.

The AN at the end of chapter 2 is what confused the issue for me

It's not so much that it's a meditative ceremony, as it is an art form. If Temari gave no thought whatsoever to the service while performing it, it would have been an unmitigated disaster. So, she still would have had to put some thought in to it. Just not as much as Madara would have expected, considering that it was a tea ceremony.

I see exactly what you're saying.

I'm going to try to get that part right. I think I breezed over it and completely missed the mark and my intention.

Thanks!

Edited March 1, 2014 by DSaph