Review topic: Going for a Swim

[knzen]

This is the review topic for my Sailor Moon fic Going for a Swim. Basically since reviews have a tendancy to dissappear and authors can't reply to reviews this is here. I'll copy any reviews I get here and respond/comment on them as needed.

The story is a lemon, lots of yuri involved. The first chapter wound up being Amy/Michiru. I'm about half way done with the second chapter.

Edited November 30, 2013 by kanzen

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Sus 2013-11-28 id # 3000090161

Pretend that Rini and Hotaru are 18 in the future? Not a chance, they're sexy enough right now, thank you very much. Anyway...this was pretty sexy and fun for the first while, but after the sex is done and the attack comes, things seem disoriented and weird.

I was thinking that for legal reasons they had to be 18 but after looking at the site options there are tags for underage encounters so no need to change their ages. it is kind of hard to picture rini with anyone other than Hotaru or one of the outer senshi though.

I was thinking initially about making the beginning two chapters, I decided to break it up right after the sex ended and make the fall ordeal its own chapter. Chapter 3 is at Haruka's house after they get out of the hospital, sex is involved.

The Todd 2013-11-29 id # 3000090163

Kind Of Sexy But I Think You Forgot Her Name Is Haruka Not Hakura Five!

Thanks for pointing that out, I went through and changed it for everything. I think that could have happened because of dyslexia but the details don't matter, it's fixed now. One reason I like using the names from the dub is because Mina and Lita's names are more distinguishable. Any time I read stories where their names are in japanese I have to stop every time i read a name to think of who that is talking about.

Edited December 1, 2013 by kanzen

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Anon 2013-12-01 id # 3000090172

I have a suggestion for you, could you please have some action with human-form Luna, at a bare minimum her and Usagi (Serena) making sweet love but it would be great if Luna could also be with some of the others for a bit too, and take part in of the orgy you're working towards. Poor Luna never gets any fun and on the rare occasions she does it always seems to be with Artemis, poor girl needs some lesbian loving!

Actually I was thinking of where the two cats would be through this whole ordeal. I remember reading a story with luna as a human and one with artemis as a human a while ago. Also I was reading through the wili to get more caught up with the characters and I found something amusing about Setsuna that will segway nicely into this. I just need to find pictures of them as humans to get a mental picture. This can happen in this next chapter with Artemis and Luna. Need to think of what Hotaru and Rini are doing.

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Anon 2013-12-01 id # 3000090174

I read your response about the Luna idea of mine, it's pretty disappointing, the whole point was that on the rare occasions Luna gets to have any fun she always has to settle for hetero sex with Artemis, now it sounds like you're saying that even in this *lesbian* story that's still what she gets stuck with.

Actually I have no intention of pairing them together for that very reason. To me they spend enough time together as cats, why would they want to be together as humans with all of the other scouts there. We know Artemis/Mina will likely happen but Artemis will be the only guy in the whole group. I had planned to do a Luna/Setsuna pairing right off the bat (sort of Setsuna's payback to luna) then the Serena/Luna pairing you asked for. I'm making a mental outline for now. Then I'll get working on the chapter tonight or tomorrow.

It should be noted I am usually slower making chapters, I'm just not as busy right now. Just don't grow accustomed to 2-4 chapters a week. Ideas/reviews always speed the process along.

[Guest Anonymous]

One reason I like using the names from the dub is because Mina and Lita's names are more distinguishable. Any time I read stories where their names are in japanese I have to stop every time i read a name to think of who that is talking about.

Yes, but many of us have the opposite problem. Every time I see "Lita" I'm completely thrown. ("Amy" is close enough to "Ami", and "Mina" is short for "Minako" even in Japanese.)

[knzen]

So you'd rather see Makoto for Lita? I intend to call Chibiusa Rini. Serena/usagi I've grown used to though Serena seems to come naturally when I type the name. Actually I was trying to figure out if there are pet names for any of these characters (like Mina to Minako) since it gets annoying typing long names like Setsuna (though every time I type that I hear Rushuna from Grenadier saying it.) I seem to recall her being called Puu by Rini but I can't picture the other senshi calling her that with a straight face.

Long story short since I'm writing this for people other than me I'll change Lita to Makota, it's just a crtl+H in word anyway.

EDIT: I actually forgot Amy's name was spelled with an I. It bothered me since the character in my serious writing has her name spelled Aimee, so I got away from the y spelling. Thankfully I can go back and change that real fast.

Edited December 2, 2013 by kanzen

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Bear 2013-12-02 id # 3000090182

pls have rini be black lady and hypnotize/corrupt serena into her sex slave do it and i will love u forever and so will my sexy vampire minions

I have interesting plans to make that happen, but I'll need to get Rini introduced. In general I try to only introduce 2 characters per chapter so no one gets left out of the fun. Next chapter will have the cats turn people, then would be Rini and Hotaru getting introduced which will lead to your pairing.

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Anon 2013-12-08 id # 3000090210

Fun chapter, and I can't wait for to see things once Luna's involved! just as a thought, and this is totally okay not to do because I don't want to push my luck, but it sounds like you're doing the other guy's idea of Black Lady taking Usagi as her sex slave, which is very hot and I def. approve, but I was thinking maybe it could be that Luna frees her from it with the power (and sex!) of real love? But whatever you want to do with it is fine.

Actually I had a plan where I could get rini in, not as black lady, and still get Usagi seduced (though not directly by rini). Though I find it easier to write with black lady because I find her more attractive than child Rini.

To me weaving some sort of story around people's requests is half the fun. And since it's basically porn the story doesn't really need to make a ton of sense though I try to make it make sense.

Edit: Ok I noticed they wanted it to be Black lady who corrupts Usagi. I'll toss around how to make that work, still it won't happen until chapter 6.

Edited December 9, 2013 by kanzen

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Bear 2013-12-10 id # 3000090218

good chapter and im super pumped for to have black lady seduce usagi, actually i wasr reading the reviews and about how u frst thought it was for rini to seduce usagi i thought about it that sounds even better, so could it be black lady but not aged up so its just rini's usual age as black lady, bascally a lolita black lady, if u do this i will love u even more forever and my sexy vampire minions will make cookies for u

I may just have an idea to make both methods work out, may be a bit of a stretch. I think I have the jest of what's going to go on in chapter 5, so I should be able to iron out chapter 6 (the one you want) next. I won't get time to do any writing until Friday or Saturday more than likely though. School never ends.

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Miss 2013-12-16 id # 3000090236

Anal sex and a shitload of double dildos...well, you'd NEVER guess the writer is a male, huh?

I would have thought that would be obvious by now. Actually when I finished the chapter and when I was rereading it...for science...I kind of thought it had a lot of phallus action for an orgy of mostly girls. With the way Luna is set up in the story that's about the only way to get her off. This seems different to me from the lesbian scenes I usually do which is some combination of fingering and oral. Basically with dicks (or dildos) more positions are possible. But it is about time the girls swore off dildos for a while (maybe those exact words).

I have to toss around how I want things to work out for the next chapter anyway.

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Anon 2013-12-16 id # 3000090241

Yay, Luna finally joins! Too bad it has Artemis doing stuff right next to her and also anal sex, but I can always edit that stuff out when I save it to a word file. Looking forward to the next part!

There will be more Luna in the next chapter, with no Artemis right next to her, and no dildos or anal. I mentioned that in the post above and have a few ideas about how to handle it.

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Anon 2013-12-25 id # 3000090297

Please remove this from the Yuri section and put it into a more appropriate section. This story contains explicit heterosexual content, and thus is not fit for readers of the Female/Female section. If you do not comply in a timely manner, this story will be reported.

Doing this from my phone until I get home tomorrow night. I'm not sure the story needs to be moved because of one non Yuri pairing (yeah I know there were more but the amount of detail given makes it all feel like one pairing to me) in the fifth chapter. I'll ask around to see if it should be moved and if so how to move it. I should note that you're complaining about 4 hetero pairings on a story that already had about two dozen or more Yuri encounters. I'll see what the mods say, my plan was to let the story go I hadn't thought much about the category with a single guy introduced. Bah humbug to you too.

Edit: formatting.

Edit2: I asked and the mods/admins said that the story just needs M/F disclaimers on the chapters with hetero stuff, and on the description (which kind of needed to be updated anyway). Those have been made and I linked the topic where I asked the mods in the story and below.

http://www2.adult-fanfiction.org/forum/index.php/topic/54840-story-placement/#entry346176

Edited December 27, 2013 by kanzen

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li_ming 2015-07-26 id # 3000092501

This has no detail with how they orgasm. Literally, you can't come in one sentence without describing how it happened. It needs more build up and more detail.

You know I was thinking that recently it was getting kind of thin description wise. Part of me fealt guilty for taking so long to update this after making a bunch of updates near eachother when I first started it. I've recently had hand/arm surgery so I haven't been able to do much typing, when I do I'm slower and I typo a lot more. The next chapter is about half way done. Was it the most recent chapter you were refering to? That was the partial chapter I was working on that i ended up posting since it could stand alone. As for making someone cum in an instant, you most definately can with proper technique or build up some peopel can cum pretty fast.