Why Is It So Impossible To Convince A Girl That She's Beautiful?

[DarkInuLord]

Seriously, girls? Why is it so hard?

My girlfriend is gorgeous, stunning even... She's calling herself fat, and she's not... She's 135, a healthy weight, not FAT.

Just because you can't see her pelvic bone sticking out three inches passed her stomach, doesn't mean she's fat... It's just... Gah... It's so hard to convince her, that she's beautiful, and she needs to stop putting herself down.

And now she's gone and made a Yahoo question thing about her weight... And some jack ass guys are making it worse... Halp?

[Guest Zyx]

either it's something she needs reaffirmed every hour in which case you need to stop bitching

or she's just not listening to what you're saying, in which case she needs to stop bitching

All problems in the world can be solved by someone stopping their bitching.

[greenwizard]

It's because of this wonderful culture that we live in that says if you're not a walking skeleton with skin you're fat and ugly. She thinks she's ugly because she doesn't look the the models on tv and in magazines. It's sick really.... and no one is doing anything about it.

[Psybee]

Cause we are enigmas that need reassuring and since that lovely thing called society says you ain't pretty unless you have an eating disorder.

[shinigamiinochi]

because we, as women, always have low self esteem. It seems like no matter what we do, it will never be good enough. There will always be some imperfection and we zone in on that instead on focusing on the stuff about ourselves that we like. It doesn't help that the media shows happy, thin women with no imperfections. Since I was a child, I was told that being like those women was to be happy. Since then I've learned differently. I don't date, so I don't feel like I have to put myself on display like a lot of my friends. It is sad, but most of our society still treats women like dolls. Keep giving your girl compliments. It may not look like it's doing much good, but trust me, it's when those compliments stop that is really damaging.

[Guest chocolat]

I blame culture in general. Every single culture has some kind of ideal beauty that everyone tries to live up to. The other night I watched something about women in some country that think having a long neck is beautiful so they wear a brass coil around their neck to weigh down their shoulders... and the coils leave scars. Being really pale used to be a good thing, now being really tan is a good thing... It's all just crazy. Your girlfriend is still going to feel self-concious about herself, but don't stop telling her that she's beautiful! Girls always like that.

[Guest Zyx]

Ok, you can blame society for a shitload of things and most of the time you'll be right.

But you're saying society brainwashed you into thinking you're ugly???

screw you.

[DarkInuLord]

Ok, you can blame society for a shitload of things and most of the time you'll be right.

But you're saying society brainwashed you into thinking you're ugly???

screw you.

No, it's more that the media portrays 'beautiful' as anorexic. You have to be 6foot tall and 90 lbs nowadays, to be considered hot.

Here is her:

Edited February 11, 2008 by DarkInuLord

[Guest Zyx]

No, it's more that the media portrays 'beautiful' as anorexic. You have to be 6foot tall and 90 lbs nowadays, to be considered hot.

Tomáto, tomàto.

And she looks good, from what I can see.

[foeofthelance]

Hmm, honestly? She seems to have a decent build. I wouldn't mind a shot that gave some sign of a bust line, but... (What? I've got a thing for a decent pair of breasts. So sue me! ) And I'd need to see her face before I could personally call her beautiful, but in this case I think I can trust your judgement.

Seriously though, you're friend does not have a weight problem. I work in an italian resturaunt, and if I showed her photos of some the people who come in, she would see what a weight problem looks like. I know people who are so fat that they don't so much as walk or waddle as roll into place. Of course, she could always see if she'd be allowed to eat out in Mississippi...

http://bligbi.com/2008/02/01/mississippi-t...ting-in-public/

[greenwizard]

She looks good from what I can see. I've stated before that I like a woman with curves. And Zyx... while you're entitled to your opinion, you don't have to be so rude about it.

It actually is a real problem. An average woman sees men drooling over a woman who has had so much plastic surgery she could be called Barbie, and you think that this average girl needs to just get over it? And of course as long as "Barbie" is around, men don't even aknowlege the average girl's existence, no matter how naturally beautiful she is.

Cultures have been telling women that they aren't good enough for centuries, today's culture is no different. Shall I bring up girdles? Women used to wear those things because beauty was an unaturally small waist, even though it did considerable damage to their internal organs.

And has anyone heard of foot binding? Chinese men once had it in their heads that tiny feet were sexy. So women bound their feet up to deform them and make them tiny. Of course walking was painful, but they had nice feet.

And last but not least... my favorite time period.. Ancient Egypt. Both wealthy men and woman had to put on pounds of makeup and jewelry. They shaved off all their natural hair and wore wigs.

Those are just a few examples of the insane things humans have done to beautify themselves for the opposite sex. Personally, I think we need to cut the crap and concentrate on natural beauty. I am so tired of getting judged for my looks it isn't funny. I am an intelligent person with a lot to offer, but people decide whether or not they want anything to do with me usualy based on how cute my ass is....

[Imanewme]

First of all, the picture isn't really going to help in determining if your girl is beautiful or not. That being said, it doesn't matter what we think. You think she's beautiful, and that's all that really matters. Your question was actually about why she isn't taking your compliments, and that is another matter entirely.

She's got something eating at her self esteem. It may have nothing to do with her body directly. She probably appreciates your compliments more than she's letting on, so if you truly feel this way, by all means, continue with the compliments. No matter what we may say, we female critters love compliments.

On the flip side of anorexic being viewed as perfection, there's the other part : it's still okay to treat fat people poorly in our current society. Your friend may see this and be bothered by it enough to fear getting treated poorly because of weight.

Before anyone throws tomatoes at me, honestly think about it. When's the last time you heard a fat joke and laughed? When's the last time you saw a fat person and was disgusted? Does it bother you if you're disgusted by someone overweight? It's subtle, but the message is there... fat people are disgusting and it's okay to shun them. Give it a hard thought before you disagree. If it isn't so, then why are men and women alike afraid of becomming fat? I'm not saying it's right. I'm simply saying that right or wrong, that's how things are currently.

You've got your work cut out for you if you're seeking to change your friend's belief. Only she can change her belief. Convincing her isn't really an option. Are you okay with that until she finds the confidence to accept herself? Confidence doesn't come easliy for everyone, and that's the real root of this issue. When she finds something she is confident about, she'll come around.

Until then, just love her. Tell her reasons you love her body and tell her the reasons you love her that don't involve her body. Whatever she's talented in, encourage it. If you see her taking on characteristics of bulemia or anorexia, by all means intervene because both of these conditions can turn deadly but don't expect her to appreciate you for it. She's one lucky lady that you care enough to honestly try to get the female perspective.

That's my 2 cents. Feel free to dispense change.

[greenwizard]

On the flip side of anorexic being viewed as perfection, there's the other part : it's still okay to treat fat people poorly in our current society. Your friend may see this and be bothered by it enough to fear getting treated poorly because of weight.

Yeah, you've got a good point. The fact that people act like that is disgusting. I try not to judge people about weight. When I was younger, I was occasionally looked after by a woman that was about 500 lbs. She was a nice lady and I enjoyed spending time with her.

But there's another side of it too. Really huge people do digust me a lot. I mean I'm nice to their face. I don't have it in me to be mean to a nice person that didn't do anything to piss me off. But good lord... after like 300 lbs, shouldn't they realize that there's a problem?

I'm sorry if I sound mean, and I know I'm getting a bit off topic. But grossly overweight people who live off of fast food annoy me. I'm not perfect. I eat fast food on average of about once a week. But I also make it a point to also eat healthy things like fresh fruit and salads. And in nice whether my boyfriernd and I go for walks with the dogs.

I just don't understand how a person can let themselves get so huge. And I really don't understand how a greaseball that McDonalds calls a burger could mean so much to someone that they'll break down in a tantrum when they can't get one. That's where my boyfriend works and he's seen it happen.

[Guest MortiferLascivio]

It could be that she has a problem with her appearance, or it could be that she's just fishing for compliments. Girls are like this a lot. I know, because I am one. A lot of girls like to be told that they aren't fat by calling themselves fat, even though they know they aren't, and waiting for someone to tell them how not-fat they are. Or she could have some sort of negative self-image. I used to have a problem myself; it could be that she FEELS fat, not that she IS fat.

I think all women, big or small, tall or short, fat/skinny, dark/light, whatever, are beautiful. It's just, we don't often see this ourselves. There are rude people out there that practically wait in the shadows for an opportunity to call someone ugly. I see this so much and trust me, it does NOT help the situation one bit. Maybe if people change, then girls may change their perspective on themselves as well.

On a side note, your girlfriend looks good. Really. Not fat and not too skinny. She should feel good about herself.

[TurtleHermit]

Yeah, you've got a good point. The fact that people act like that is disgusting. I try not to judge people about weight. When I was younger, I was occasionally looked after by a woman that was about 500 lbs. She was a nice lady and I enjoyed spending time with her.

But there's another side of it too. Really huge people do digust me a lot. I mean I'm nice to their face. I don't have it in me to be mean to a nice person that didn't do anything to piss me off. But good lord... after like 300 lbs, shouldn't they realize that there's a problem?

I'm sorry if I sound mean, and I know I'm getting a bit off topic. But grossly overweight people who live off of fast food annoy me. I'm not perfect. I eat fast food on average of about once a week. But I also make it a point to also eat healthy things like fresh fruit and salads. And in nice whether my boyfriernd and I go for walks with the dogs.

I just don't understand how a person can let themselves get so huge. And I really don't understand how a greaseball that McDonalds calls a burger could mean so much to someone that they'll break down in a tantrum when they can't get one. That's where my boyfriend works and he's seen it happen.

I can't say what you're feeling is wrong (seeing as how so many people share this feeling) but in my opinion I think if you want to see truth and beauty like Wordsworth and all the Romantics talk about you really have to NOT CARE. Period. If some person is three hundred pounds, it certainly is NOT your place to judge them, you have no idea how they became such a weight, and think...if you woke up tommorow three hundred pounds, I bet you would have to eat some humble pie. Hopefully your boyfriend would still love you and look past your physical form. I think if he could do that without being disgusted by you...then he would know the meaning of truth and beauty like is is meant to be known.

I'm sorry, I think what you said was a tad bit hypocritical and nonsensical. You can play the health card all day long, but it doesn't change the fact that there are people out there who hate themselves because OTHERS (somehwat like yourself I imagine) hate them, are disgusted in them, and "cannot imagine being that unhealthy in eating habits".....yeah.

That's morally wrong in my opinion.

[Guest chocolat]

Ok, you can blame society for a shitload of things and most of the time you'll be right.

But you're saying society brainwashed you into thinking you're ugly???

screw you.

Ok, that was uncalled for... I am not saying that society has brainwashed anyone. What I mean is that there are a lot of infulances in peoples culture that make them lean toward certain beliefes. And just because the culture says that thin is beautiful, doesn't mean that you have to believe it.

[DarkInuLord]

Here's the only picture I have that wasn't taken with a webcam. (She takes most of her pictures with the webcam, since it's faster.)

>///> God, she's gorgeous.

[greenwizard]

I'm sorry, I think what you said was a tad bit hypocritical and nonsensical. You can play the health card all day long, but it doesn't change the fact that there are people out there who hate themselves because OTHERS (somehwat like yourself I imagine) hate them, are disgusted in them, and "cannot imagine being that unhealthy in eating habits".....yeah.

I said I'm not mean to overweight people. I just said that I don't understand it. I've had weight issues of my own. It doesn't happen overnight unless you're in some strange denial that I've never even heard of.

And I'm not talking about the average person who puts on 20 extra pounds. I'm talking to the people who my boyfriend sees walking into the restaurant that can barely fit through the door. They order enough food for 6 people and then take it home and plop down in front of their TV to gulp it all down. There are people that the restaurant is not allowed to serve because of doctor's orders! How bad does it have to be to make your family get power of attourney over you and go to the local fast food restaurants with law enforcement showing your picture around. Then the person comes in and when you won't serve them, they break down in tears. How can someone need a burger that badly?

I don't understand how when you can eat more food in one sitting than the average person eats in a week, that it doesn't dawn on you that there's something wrong with that picture.

And I will say again, I don't put them down. It's just one of those enigma's that I don't get.

[Guest MortiferLascivio]

I kind of agree with greenwizard. It's not because I personally find it disgusting that someone is so overweight, it's more of a concern about how unhealthy they are being. Eating that much isn't good for anyone; but telling them they're big fat disgusting lardos isn't gonna be any good for their health either. Maybe that's why they eat so much - because people can be jackasses and call them names. It's like an opposite reaction to negative self-image - instead of starving themselves, they eat themsevles into comas.

People start relying on food as a comfort; this may be where the over-reaction to not getting their food comes from. It's like they depend on it to fix their problems. This isn't the ideal solution to any problem, but it is one people turn to. It's not something to take lightly or make fun of.

All in all, I agree that people who overeat do need to seek some sort of help before they kill themselves.

[Imanewme]

Gee, Dark, I never meant to skew the topic off your original question.

We could debate all day long the rightness or wrongness of fat and skinny people and how society views each, but wouldn't do an ounce of good for your topic.

I think your girl is lovely. The second picture confirms for me my suspicion that she's young (early 20s or less). Everyone worries about what they look like, especially the 15 - 25 set. If she's fishing for comliments, so be it. If she's not, so be it. Above all else, since you love her, just love her and support her. Tell her the truth when you speak to her and that's all you can do.

I stand firm behind my answer... you can't convince her, she has to convince herself. As far as why... well... I think almost all possible reasons have been hit on in this thread, and it's definately something to chew on, but only she can tell you for sure what's holding her back.

[Solaris]

It's because of this wonderful culture that we live in that says if you're not a walking skeleton with skin you're fat and ugly. She thinks she's ugly because she doesn't look the the models on tv and in magazines. It's sick really.... and no one is doing anything about it.

I really agree with that! I was once 127 pounds and I thought I was fat at age 18, now 37 I am 230 pounds and I'm ugly and fat.

I was teased at school when I was 15 about my weight which was barely under a hundred pounds. In a way, I was a walking skeleton, I barely had any muscles or fattiness to my body.

But in a way, I wished that people had complimented me on my weight back then, I would have strived to keep it instead of feeding my tummy.

If there was a time machine, I would never have gained the weight that I have now, I would do more excerises and be out there more then I do now.

But just let your girlfriend know that those people shouldn't matter to what you think, for me, I think you are perfect just the way you are. They don't have a photo of you to see how beautiful you look. Right now, you are the most beautiful woman I have in my life. You don't need other men telling you that you are too fat or too thin, for me you are perfect.

Beth

[foeofthelance]

Dark, as an unabashed, heterosexual 20 year old guy, I can indeed confirm: the girl is hot! Hell, I'd probably get smacked for staring. And this is coming from the internet, where Barbie culture has mixed with everything else to such a degree that when people on the internet think you're hot, you've got to be to have earned it.

Just goes to show: It is a damned shame my girlfriend won't let me go out with more girls...

[DarkInuLord]

My lover is also two years younger than me... Maybe I should point that out.... >.>; Though, you're only a year older than I.

[Guest Savaial]

It's impossible to convince a girl she's beautiful because she has to believe it herself. You can't change her mind for her. She has plenty of societal standards to judge herself by, plenty of biases to wade through. You can't change a thing. All you can do is treat her the same no matter what she weighs.

BTW, some weight gain can be so fast as to make you THINK it happened overnight. I was at a comfortable 150 until I got prescribed some stupid antidepressants, upon which time I gained 40 pounds and lost my mind. Still trying to get rid of that weight...

You just tell your girl that you think she's beautiful and you find some things (positive) to comment on every day. Even the smallest remarks add up to an insecure female.

"You have the silkiest, prettiest hair."

"Your skin is so soft."

"I love the color of your eyes."

"I feel lucky to have you."

These are so small and take seconds to say, but they have a long-lasting impact.

Just find something she takes pride in and comment on it. Does she grow her nails long and try to keep them nice? Comment. Does she take extra care with anything? Tell her you see it. What women really seem to want, no matter what it is, is someone to notice.

And I know that's hard sometimes. But any woman likes to feel special. You can even pick something out they might not have noticed about themselves and comment on it. Women just want to feel appreciated. That body issue is only one way of focusing.

And I think men are the same way, they just aren't as comfortable expressing their doubts about themselves. If that weren't true we wouldn't see penis enlargement ads and Rogaine commercials. So, ladies, make sure you don't neglect them either.

[DarkInuLord]

Haha. I lol'ed at the last comment.

Anyways. I compliment her all the time, she's finally 'resigned' to the fact that she's gorgeous, has really nice skin, and beautiful hair. xD

Only thing she doesn't trust me on is that she's not fat. D: She's at like the perfect weight, can't count her ribs, can't see her pelvic bone protruding out 4 inches, but I can still wrap my arms all the way around her in a bear hug. xD