Lost In The Dark

[Lost_Soul]

Sorry, but I just have to let this out... Here me out before you go running for the hills! >.<;

I get so frustrated and ANGRY when people (most) who find out that someone has depression or is a cutter, they treat us differently and think we are crazy/psycho and go running for the hills away from us thinking we are a bad influence and assume we will hurt someone and never get better! Now before I go on ranting about this...

This is the part where I will be opening up and telling my deep dark secrets to people I don't even know, and I rarely ever do so whoever reads this should be appreciative and respectful, cause I don't talk about my problems nor do I tell people about my deep dark secrets about myself.... until today. But today... I thought I should talk about it with you guys cause I hope you guys would be understanding and would listen to what I have to say. Also, don't tell me I should go see a shrink cause I have with several throughout my life and they don't give a shit! I KNOW, cause I have been through it and they are there for a fucking paycheck from what I have experienced! Anyways, I'm doing fine without one and I have my lover to go to and some few friends I can trust to talk. If anyone here is going to say bad shit about me on this then fucking LEAVE! Cause I don't need to hear it! I have heard it from SEVERAL PEOPLE WHO DON'T FUCKING HAVE A CLUE ABOUT WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH AND THINK THEY KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE WHEN JUST CAUSE THEY HAVE A FREAKING PH D. ON PSYCHOLOGY THEY KNOW, THEY FUCKING DON'T SO DON'T GIVE ME CRAP FOR THIS OR TELL ME YOU KNOW HOW TO FIX IT!!!!!! DX< cause all I'll hear is YADDA, YADDA, YADDA~! >_< Same SHIT ALREADY SAID different PERSON! D< All I want to hear is peoples positive thoughts and experiences on the matter. I don't need negative words! Because it will not help! And I have tried medication but they do not work for me and do the opposite affects and makes me worse. I have tried a lot of meds for it not working and I think I am fine without them sense I am obviously coping and know how to deal with my depression! >_<

Now about me... I have been born with depression. I am diagnosed with the major and severe depression as well as manic depression (also known as bi-polar disorder). I also have a personality disorder and anxiety attacks and occasionally panic attacks. I also have suicidal thoughts and attempts constantly! Yep... I'm crazy... -__-; I was a cutter but have been free from it for almost 3 years now. It's hard not to cut, it's an addictive bad habit, I could explain it as like an addictive drug. My cutting habits started in 9th grade I believe and went from there until I stopped cutting. I did NOT do it for attention!

This is what pisses me off! Many people think that just cause your a cutter, you do it for attention! THAT'S BULLSHIT! People who suffer from depression do not not cut to get attention, actually, they hide their cuts out of shame and they cut only to relieve the pain inside! People who do cut for attention are called EMOS! DX< and because of them, they are the reason that other people who pass this bad judgment on the people who really do cut and have a mental problem and cut to help them cope with life, would assume and accuse that they cut for attention! So don't jump to conclusions and judge the people who have depression that cut do it for attention; cause it ain't fucking true!

Another thing that pisses me off is that when people who have depression, no one is around to want to help you! Most people who find out will leave the person alone thinking them as some plague and won't be there to support and help or even take the time to understand! YOU DON'T DO THAT! When a person is suffering from depression, that person needs you to be there for them and to be supportive of them! Leaving them will make the person who is depressed more miserable and hate themselves even more, they already think no one cares or loves them and that they are a waste of space and air in this world. I had someone come up to me and tell me their reason why people don't want to be around depressed people: "No one wants to be around someone who is sad all the time" his exact words to me and he follows it. Well sorry I'm fucking SAD all the TIME! Depressed people can't HELP IT! DX< If we could, we wouldn't be SAD now would we!? It's not like theres a switch where we can just turn 'on' and 'off' on our emotions whenever we feel like it! Then depression wouldn't exist! Hell, I would give ANYTHING to not suffer from depression! >_<

My family...ugh.... my family.... -__- My family wasn't there for me. My father was, cause he suffers from depression, but it's a mild disorder, I got the worse one which he actually tried to understand and help. As well as some few friends who actually stayed by me and help me through it. I can't believe my father and my few friends actually stayed and dealed with my shit, I had a hard time believing anyone actually cared about me cause I didn't get this at all when I was living with my mother, sister, and step father. My evil cousin Heather said that she understood why no one wanted to be around me because she wouldn't want to either! Just cause she had a bout of depression, and I'm telling you, she really thinks she knows what I went through just cause she had a bout with depression. And then one day, she wakes up and doesn't have it anymore, she knows from "experience" that she understands what I went through and understands why no one wanted to be around me or even be my friend. I should have punched her for saying that but I didn't cause I'm patient with people and I am nice... DAMN BITCH!

The thing is, I didn't have anyone really there for me that took the time to get me better and be there by my side all the way, until I met my lover who I am now married to. His name is Tom. Tom would never say negative things around me, knowing it wouldn't help... actually, he screams positivity that it would make me uncomfortable and squirm. He's made up of positive energy! He used to suffer from depression, have bad anxiety attacks to panic attacks, and was a cutter, but that all stopped once he figured out how to get out of it and live normally. He's trying to teach me and get me to attain that. He is also the reason why I stopped cutting in the first place. If it wasn't for him... I don't think I would be here right now. He is the reason why I am still going... still moving onward and live, I do it all for him, anything to make him happy! I know that if I died, he would be heart broken (he tells me this) and he loves me so much that he knows, if that would make me happy, if dying would make me happy, he would let me die only to make me happy; he loves me that much. But I don't do it, cause I want him to be happy, and having me around makes him happy. He knows how hard it is to live on feeling like this... feeling lost and alone and sad all the time. Feeling depressed and having anxieties and having a hard time doing anything! I mean... depression is like... being in the darkness and searching for that one light to shine out brightly for you to see and to desperately grasp hold of. I don't know how else to explain it...

My past... my childhood was nothing but sadness and pain. It was torture just living. I dreaded the next day to come, I feared it! I can't go into detail on how I became the way I am. It has to do with how I was raised and treated. Most of my memories are nothing but bad memories. Memories of being in and out of the psych ward, restraints, being treated like some animal and no one understanding me. Abused physically and mentally by a lot of people including my family. Hating myself and hurting. Such despair... And yet I kept going... Hoping... hoping it would all go away someday. And that I would truly be happy for once and feel love. True love that I never got from anyone when I grew up. And I got it, I found it! Tom... I thought it would never happen to me... but thankfully it did. And now I will make new memories... happy ones... with him... ....There is hope.... If anyone is going through depression or is a cutter, trust me, you will get through it. I am still getting through it, one step at a time, taking it one day at a time... I didn't believe it, but now, having such a blessing and a gift to have Tom made it worth it for having kept going, kept living, kept having faith. The only way to get better from depression and cutting is that YOU want to. No one can do it for you, YOU have to make the decision and the mind set that you want to get through it and get better. And anyone who knows someone who is going through depression and is a cutter, YOU need to be there for them, YOU need to help and support them because that person needs it, needs you there by their side and get them better. A strong person is one who has overcome or tries to overcome and face their fears and their obstacles and survives it. I am told that I am a strong person than most people because of what I am going through, but it's different for everyone I think. I know I am a strong person and brave enough to see through this without giving up! I won't let anyone tell me different and neither should any of you who are going through this!

If no one is sure on what the signs are or what causes it and wants to know more about depression, then go to this link: Depression Information

Well... that's my thought on this matter, sorry for ranting, I just thought I inform people on this matter. I want to know what people think on this and I'm open to discuss this and answer any questions. I may still be lost in the darkness, but at least I am trying to find my way out of it and help people on the way who are in this with me too. Do not judge me because I do not judge you. ...Now... I think I'm going to go cry... this whole thing made me emotional, it's a touchy subject for me...

I hope people understand where I am coming from... -__- ...Sorry for troubling you guys with my problems...

This is me and my lover Tom in Chicago at a Blue Man Group New Years show. Aren't we a handsome couple~! X3

I'm on the left doing the asian thing we asians do, the peace sign while taking a photo XD; and Tom is on the right.

In case you guys are curious to know what Tom and I look like lol sorry the picture is so small... X3;

[cu-kid9]

That was a lot to read, so my reply might be kinda all over the place

First, I voted "Yes, I know someone who suffers and is diagnosed with depression, but they do not cut (that I am aware of)." My personal experience with depression isn't serious (the one time I got really depressed, I scared the shit out of myself and refused to ever feel that way again...and I'm stubborn enough to do it, damn it), so I'm not going to say anything about being able to "relate," because I just can't.

The people I know that suffer from depression aren't cutters, but they are addicts. I can't even begin to empathize with the feelings/thoughts that go through people that suffer from these things, but I've been around them for long enough that I've grown to have a certain understanding (one of my friends calls me an addict wannabe because I hang out with the group, go to NA meetings, and go to coffee with them afterwards...and date them -I'm a functioning addict magnet ). One of my closest friends, whom I've known for ten years, is a recovering addict. I'm one of the only people left that knew her before she went through treatment (for the third time). Her family wasn't really there for her either, I think, mostly, because they just didn't understand what was happening (no excuse, I know). I was witness to all the fucked up shit she did (this is probably why nothing really shocks me anymore), was there when she tried to throw herself out of a moving car in an attempt to kill herself. And I made sure I was there for her after she got out of rehab. I don't think she's psycho (the crazy part is still up for debate ), but I've also watched her struggle with her addiction and depression for a very long time.

I, too, get annoyed (well, pretty pissed, actually) with people who believe that they should just leave depressed people alone, or are unwilling to be there for people who are depressed. Occasionally (usually about once a year, now), I get a call from the aforementioned friend that I know is serious and I drop everything for her -and I do mean everything. Sometimes she wants me to "fix" everything, even though she knows I can't, but, mostly, she just needs someone to listen -which is actually one of my specialties

I know that most people don't like taking meds for depression. The same friend stopped taking hers because she said they made everything too "foggy" and she never really felt like herself while she was taking them (I've heard that from a few of mine friends that suffer from depression, actually).

I can, however, relate with you on panic attacks. I have high anxiety. My attacks used to be so bad that I would blackout because of them. For me, there's nothing worse than having one (just thinking about it makes me anxious ). I know how you feel, on this aspect at least, about people not understanding. They just don't get how, at that moment, you just feel like you're going to die. I got to the point where I wouldn't even go anywhere (anywhere -trips to the gas station or the store became torturous affairs) because I was afraid of something triggering one -which just made me anxious because I can't stand being afraid of things. Even now, if I go somewhere like the movies, a play, the ballet, I have to make sure I have an aisle seat, because, for whatever reason, the though of being stuck in the middle of a row with no easy escape route heightens my anxiety.

So, while I can't exactly empathize with what you deal with on a day to day basis, I can, at least, understand it a little. Congrats on being three years clean (sorry, I can't think of what else to call it without reverting to NA vocabulary...but I'm sure you get the gist). You and Tom make a loverly couple If you didn't have someone, I probably would have been slightly alarmed when reading this post. But I'm glad you've found someone to, if not make it better, at least listen and be there when you need it. It's really all anyone can ask for -and, sometimes, it's enough.

[Lost_Soul]

Aww thanks cu-kid. But yeah, I can understand why your friends didn't want to take the meds, thats how I felt to.. except, I felt empty and emotionless when I took the damn medication, and I didn't think not being myself was worth having a sane mind for awhile. The thing is, anti-depressent meds I don't think work because they hide the problems, not fix it. You know what I mean? They just treat the depression, they don't treat the cause of it; so it won't go away, it will just be hidden. That's how I see the medication and is why I choose not to take them. I want to treat the cause of it, which is my goal. >.<

I'm glad you are one of the few who stands by your friends side when they are going through a hard time such as what you have told me. You truly are a good friend, a real friend. ^^ You're a very good person to do all those things for someone, reminds me of how Tom is. XD;

And yeah, having anxieties can be a bitch. DX I had it really really bad towards the end of last year, thankfully I have it under control... for now... >_<; I hope you are able to overcome them, it's not healthy to be in fear all the time you know. I hate it! DX<

[cu-kid9]

And yeah, having anxieties can be a bitch. DX I had it really really bad towards the end of last year, thankfully I have it under control... for now... >_<; I hope you are able to overcome them, it's not healthy to be in fear all the time you know. I hate it! DX<

For the most part I've got a handle on it. There are only certain things that cause it now -usually seeing people that I really don't want to see. I spent a few years in therapy, which worked for me. No meds -I refused. I don't even take Tylenol or Advil for headaches.

It was difficult, at first, understanding what addiction was (I was pretty sheltered from stuff like that). But the more I understood it, the easier it was to understand why my friend would do the things she did. It was scary at times and hard -especially when she was still using- but I just couldn't walk away from her -especially after everyone else just kind of disappeared -which I think is bull. Also...I just can't help caring about people who are close to me (well...anyone, really. Especially if they just want me to listen). It's easier, now, to point out when she's trying to justify actions...or trying to get me to co-sign for something -which she does...a lot *sigh* Can't help but love her, though

[greenwizard]

My diagnosis depends on what shrink you talk to that I've gone too. I swear I hate them all. And I won't take medications either. Someone once said to me they only make you "artificially happy" and I think she hit the nail on the head. I'm sorry if I want to experience genuine happiness even if it's not very often.

I don't cut. I have enough pain from other things thank you very much. I do have suicidle thoughts a lot. The only reason I haven't gone through with it is because of my religious beliefs. Some don't do it because they're afraid of what will happen. I don't because I know what will happen. Though sometimes I find myself debating on which alternitive is worse.

I know someone who has depression and was a cutter. I tried to help her and be there for her. She was a total sex addict, and even though I thought I helped her with that, it turns out I didn't. I found out through someone else that she lied to me a lot. She told me what I wanted to hear so that I would stick around. In a way I guess we helped each other throughout high school. She had lots of friends, but she told me things she couldn't tell anyone else too. She knew I wouldn't drop her like a diseased animal like a lot of highschool kids would tend to do.

But then she went away to the navy. I had very little contact with her and things didn't go so well. She became an alcoholic as well as a sex addict. The mess she got herself into is more than I can handle. I continued to try, but eventually I had to just say screw it. She doesn't want help. She continues to lie to me and tell me what I want to hear, then goes out and does whatever she wants to anyway. She justifies it by saying she's an adult and can do what she wants.

I was emotionaly invested in our relationship, but I don't know about her. She was working with my boyfriend when I had a herpes scare. I had thought that maybe she had it, and somehow passed it to me. A nurse told me that while it's rare, it can be passed through using the same towel and stuff. I should probably mention that she was staying with us because she didn't have a car. I just told her that I needed to know if she had it so I could tell the dr how much of a chance there was. A few days later my boyfriend, who hadn't said anything to coworkers about any of it, heard her telling them that I must just be a manwhore that was sleeping around behind his back because she's clean. Her attempt to protect her reputation didn't work though. It blew up in her face because she had told them all about going to a bar and meeting some guy, then going home with them a half hour later to fuck his brains out. And it all turned out that I just had a weird acne problem.

I tell you all that so you'll understand why I gave up on her. It just became too much to deal with her shit on top of my own problems. I can't help her if she doesn't want it. Helping others is in my nature, but even I have my limits.

Helping others is how I help myself in a way I guess. It gives me a purpose. I throw myself into that and my writing. I cope by doing stuff that I do enjoy and indulging in life's small simple pleasures.

[shinigamiinochi]

my cousin's bipolar and when he's in his depression mode, he does really self destructive things. He hasn't cut in awhile, but we're always careful so he doesn't go into a downward spiral. We understand that it's not just him trying to hurt himself, but also because controlling pain and letting out anger makes him feel better. So, when he storms into the house and throws his cellphone into a wall, we don't complain about it, it's just his way. I don't think that cutting makes you crazy. It's more sane to find an outlet than to bottle everything up inside. I also know a girl who is a cutter, but she's not depressed, she just likes the way it looks and has a high tolerance for pain. She constantly says that she'll stop when she's old enough to get a tattoo. My arms are sliced up from getting a cat out of a barbed wire fence and everyone assumed that I was a cutter and depressed. What's annoying is that no one believes you and how they treat you like you're a bomb about to go off. I have social anxiety disorder (which is why my friends are shocked that I post so much on this site when I don't talk in the real world) and medication and therapy doesn't help. Of course, this fucks around with my life all the time and I don't understand how people with more severe disabilities cope. The anxiety gets so much sometimes I just want to bang my head against the wall to see if that will fix whatever's wrong with my brain. I'm just glad I'm adopted, 'cause the people on my mom's side have a looooooong history of mental disorders.

[Guest Jullians]

I'm not a digger so it'll be short:

I'd been diagnosed with depression, and yes, i was a cutter.

But that was in the PAST, right now i'm perfectly fine, and i have my pills and end of the story.

:/

[Guest Savaial]

The thing about cutting is it serves as a way of gaining control over yourself. Some people might think this sounds odd, but when you give yourself pain you are controlling an aspect of yourself.

We (humans) are very oriented toward pleasing others as a means of self-validation, and that bleeds (pun intended) into everything we do. It sets us up for failure and depression because we can't please anyone, not really.

We have to live for ourselves as much as possible while not allowing our hearts to harden. What a balancing act.

Lost_Soul, the only advice I can give is a little saying. "This too shall pass." It has helped me everytime I feel a panic attack coming on. Nothing lasts forever.

[greenwizard]

I had a way of controling myself, but I'm not allowed to do it anymore. I didn't eat. My stomach could be growling so loudly someone across the room could hear it, but I'd just keep watching TV. I was accused of having an eating disorder. Wanting to be thin had nothing to do with it (and yes guys can get eating disorders too it just isn't as common as girls getting one).

It did start out as me wanting attention. I wanted to see if anyone cared. Those that did care woulid tie me to a chair and make me eat. I think that's a big part of what screwed my digestive system up like it is. Well that and family history. I didn't tell any of that to the dr though. The last thing I needed was one more person wanting to make everything all better with a pill.

I have to have at least one meal a day or I get tied to a chair In a way it's annoying, and in a way it helps. I mean they wouldn't go to all that trouble if they didn't care right? Having someone that cares around definitely helps.

Lost_Soul, if you need someone to talk to I'm here. I'm an aquired taste, but you might like me I know you have your lover, but sometimes having more than one person to talk to can help. The same goes for anyone who needs someone to talk to.

[cu-kid9]

The mess she got herself into is more than I can handle. I continued to try, but eventually I had to just say screw it. She doesn't want help. She continues to lie to me and tell me what I want to hear, then goes out and does whatever she wants to anyway. She justifies it by saying she's an adult and can do what she wants.

Unfortunately, sometimes that's all you can do. It sucks, but if they're not willing to take the steps to help themselves, then, really, what can you do? When I was younger, I thought I could fix everyone's problems and make them okay again. As I got older, I realized that, unless they're willing to meet me half-way and at least attempt to help themselves, there wasn't any way I could help them. I had to realize that I couldn't be everyone's guardian angel

While my friend was using, she did the same thing -lied to me about everything or, when I busted her out, she would justify her actions. I was really close to just throwing my hands up in the air and walking away. But the throwing herself out of the car, I think, kind of woke her up. I think that's when she realized that she really needed help.

[PretentiousArtWhore]

I have been seriously depressed since the age of ten, a cutter since the age of twelve, and was diagnosed as suffering from depression at 21. I still have the condition and have been playing musical meds for years now, going from doctor to doctor trying to find a winning combination that will actually do something other than give me shitty side effects. I have gotten support from few people, most have no clue what it's like and are quick to judge and tell me to just 'snap out of it', as if it's my choice to have the condition and feel like crap all the time. *sigh*

[Terri]

I don't know how to answer this... I have been diagnosed with depression, but I haven't cut myself in nearly 8 years. Why did I do it? To try to see if I could still feel anything at all (I was too numb from my emotional pain to feel much of anything - not even that blade). That was also why I quit - because my emotional pain and anguish wasn't going anywhere and yet I'd still have gaping wounds and blood running down my left arm - not fun. Even less fun 8 years later when I'm still wearing long sleeves so people don't see the scars >.>

[Lost_Soul]

I tell you all that so you'll understand why I gave up on her. It just became too much to deal with her shit on top of my own problems. I can't help her if she doesn't want it. Helping others is in my nature, but even I have my limits.

Helping others is how I help myself in a way I guess. It gives me a purpose. I throw myself into that and my writing. I cope by doing stuff that I do enjoy and indulging in life's small simple pleasures.

Yeah, well you did what you could for her. She's the one who chose not to get better and help herself, you did what you could and that's what matters. I can relate to the sex addict. I used to be a sex addict in the past, but I stopped when I started dating Tom. My sex addictivness was my way of filling the emptiness inside and feel some sort of love or want of me. Even though it was the bad way of doing it, it didn't help me and only made me feel more empty and unloved; thankfully I found Tom to get me to stop that habit. And yeah, to cope, I throw all that into my art and poetry and also helping others on whatever problems they have. I like to help people, I usually put people's problems first instead of mine, that's how much I care.

[Lost_Soul]

my cousin's bipolar and when he's in his depression mode, he does really self destructive things. He hasn't cut in awhile, but we're always careful so he doesn't go into a downward spiral. We understand that it's not just him trying to hurt himself, but also because controlling pain and letting out anger makes him feel better. So, when he storms into the house and throws his cellphone into a wall, we don't complain about it, it's just his way. I don't think that cutting makes you crazy. It's more sane to find an outlet than to bottle everything up inside.

Well... for me... I bottle things up. >.>; I know it's not good to do, but that's how I deal with things usually. But cutting was another way for me to let things out. Sense I don't do that anymore, I now have to learn to talk about my problems, which is hard. My family and cultural ways, we don't talk about problems, we actually ignore them and pretend it doesn't exist. We also NEVER talk about family problems or relative issues and personal problems with anyone outside of the family. That is a huge no, no! >.< I would probably be disowned if my family found out that I have talked about my personal problems with you guys... >_>; That's why I have such a hard time talking about my problems with ANYONE because of that fact on how I was raised in my cultural back round.

What's annoying is that no one believes you and how they treat you like you're a bomb about to go off. I have social anxiety disorder (which is why my friends are shocked that I post so much on this site when I don't talk in the real world) and medication and therapy doesn't help. Of course, this fucks around with my life all the time and I don't understand how people with more severe disabilities cope. The anxiety gets so much sometimes I just want to bang my head against the wall to see if that will fix whatever's wrong with my brain. I'm just glad I'm adopted, 'cause the people on my mom's side have a looooooong history of mental disorders.

Yeah, it's true, most people don't believe you and do treat us like some bomb about to go off! I don't know how many times people saw me like that and distance themselves from me. It actually hurts when people do that. lol, and how I cope with my severe disability I have no clue. XD; I guess I have such a strong will to cope and go on with life, I mean, I have gone through this shit my whole life so far, I am born with this mental problem. >_<; I should have learned a few things on how to deal with some things without going fully crazy! XD; And yeah... I have tried banging my head on a wall more than once to try fix whatever is wrong with my head... it didn't work... -__-;

[Lost_Soul]

The thing about cutting is it serves as a way of gaining control over yourself. Some people might think this sounds odd, but when you give yourself pain you are controlling an aspect of yourself.

I actually agree with you, cutting is a way to gain control over yourself. I know it did for me for only a short amount of time and keep me stable for a little bit. But the bad thing is that I would keep going back to doing it because it never lasted very long.

We (humans) are very oriented toward pleasing others as a means of self-validation, and that bleeds (pun intended) into everything we do. It sets us up for failure and depression because we can't please anyone, not really.

We have to live for ourselves as much as possible while not allowing our hearts to harden. What a balancing act.

And I agree with you on that too. I am the same way. I am a huge people pleaser! XD; And I get sad when I can't please everyone. I learned the hard way that you can't always please everyone. Cause one thing might please one person and anger another. I came to that conclusion when my family made me choose between them and my lover Tom. That I should put them (my family) first instead of my lover because he was not Cho blood, he was not family, and that I should love them first and not him. I said that I do not want to choose, that I wanted to love both, that I wanted both. But they wouldn't allow it and said that I was dishonoring them and betraying them... sighs~ And that's when they were very angry with me and I was almost disowned because of that incident. T__T I can't be like them, I'm hardly like them and I can't believe I am born into a family like that. Racist, emotionless, hateful and selfish. God must have made a mistake because I am not like them, cruel to others who are not apart of the family. I wonder why I am the way that I am and didn't end up being like them.

Lost_Soul, the only advice I can give is a little saying. "This too shall pass." It has helped me everytime I feel a panic attack coming on. Nothing lasts forever.

Thanks for your words, I know it will pass, I just have to have the patience for it to happen. I'm just sick of the same shit and I have such bad luck in life. I was just lucky enough to run into Tom and still have him by my side after everything that has happened. ^_^n I can't believe he is still willing to deal with my mental problems and my shit everyday. >_<;

[Juno]

There's a lot to address in your post, so my own post might be a little jumbled and in a strange order, but here it goes.

First off, I can't say that I can fully relate with you. When I was in middle school and for the past three years of high school, I have come to the conclusion that I was depressed. Now, I never saw any doctors for it, although I did try, and I was never diagnosed. I just remember being horribly miserably and sad all of the time, and even though I believe I was depressed, I don't think I had it to the severity of anything near where you say you do. I do know what you mean when you say you just can't "turn your emotions on and off;" during that time I knew I was sad and angry, but I didn't know why and I felt like I couldn't change it. It was just the way I was. You can't force yourself to feel happy--or any other emotion, for that matter. The feeling was more like a fleeting thought, just beyond your reach.

However, even though I thought about suicide probably almost daily back then, I never ever did anything to hurt myself. I came close to cutting once, but the idea of having any blade or sharp object near my wrists or ankles scares me. Sharp objects in general scare me a bit. I guess I never had it that bad, nor could I ever bring myself to self-inflict pain. I know it is a control issue, from what I heard from others, but I still do not fully understand it, just because I have never personally felt it.

During my middle school years, there was a "cutting fad" that passed through my town--a small suburban community outside of Milwaukee, mainly consisting of snotty white rich kids. Most of the people that began to cut during that time were doing it for attention, and that was the evironment I grew up in that mindset; "Oh. Cutters only do it for attention." Thankfully I've become a little bit smarter (at least I hope!) and have realized that yes, most of the people in my school cut for attention, but there were those that did it for a much deeper reason. Coincidentally, a lot of those people are now my close friends. I have a friend who only stopped cutting himself 3 months ago--and I never knew he did until he actually told me about a week ago. He was on anti-depressants for a while, and I would say they helped, but I can't know for sure; he is one of the best-natured and happiest people I know, at least on the surface. I have never once heard him complain about how bad his life is, and he is constantly making people laugh around him. Another one of my friends actually attempted suicide around 2 weeks ago because his girlfriend dumped him in a very messy way. Thankfully he thought better on it about halfway through, and he is still here. Now that I'm learning these things about my friends, I'm doing all I can to make sure that I really care for them and would do anything for them.

From personal experience of being depressed, I was essentially abandoned by many of those who I believe to be my friends. When I tried asking my parents about seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist, they blew me off and didn't take me seriously. There happens to be a distinct belief that no one in my family suffers from any mental disorder and never will; most of my family members believe that mental disorders are "made up" disorders people only create to get attention or use for ulterior motives. I love my family dearly, but that is one thing that really bothers me. Anyway, even after my attempts at finding help, a lot of my friends slowly started drifting away from me. I had a few even tell me on more than one occasion that I "just wasn't fun to hang around with anymore" and that "I needed to get over myself and stop being so sad all of the time." Eventually I was left all alone. I could have tried ending it then, but I didn't.

I suppose I have a type of "tough love" attitude on this sort of thing because I essentially had to pull myself up out of that dark hole with no other help. I know better than to expect everyone else to be able to do that, especially since I probably only had a mild form of depression or something close to it, but I suppose it gets hard for me to empathize with people who claim they are depressed and want you to do all of the work for them. However, I've also learned that being dumped by your friends sucks and I could never, ever do that to anyone who called on me for help. I have been there for my friend who tried committing suicide whenever he has needed it--even if its at 2:30 in the morning.

I think people only alienate others because of "cutting issues" or depression because they are close-minded and don't understand. People tend to stay away from things they don't understand. I have a weird view on the matter, because while I can't just abandon my friends who need help, I also have the "you need to help yourself before anyone else can" attitude from personal experience. It's hard to define the line between the two.

Thank you for making this post, Lost_Soul. It must have taken you so much courage to talk about something so personal; I congradulate you on being so brave. Sometimes it's good to bring these things out in the open. So thank you.

[Lost_Soul]

I had a way of controling myself, but I'm not allowed to do it anymore. I didn't eat. My stomach could be growling so loudly someone across the room could hear it, but I'd just keep watching TV. I was accused of having an eating disorder. Wanting to be thin had nothing to do with it (and yes guys can get eating disorders too it just isn't as common as girls getting one).

Yeah, my lover used to be anorexic in his late teens. But that stopped and it happened before I ever met him. Yeah, someone thinks I'm on the verge of anorexia because I have lost so much weight recently. My depression gets me to the point where I am so forgetful and I feel like not eating or forget to eat that I have to make myself eat cause I know it's not healthy. I believe I am between 105-110 pounds now, and I am 5'4 1/2" tall. I am told I am very pale looking and skinny and ill looking. So now I wear baggy clothes to hide that, I don't need more attention on another problem I have. And I prefer to hide my problems from people, so my scars on my arms are of course covered by long sleeves most of the time. I am not anorexic mind you... I love food! X3

It did start out as me wanting attention. I wanted to see if anyone cared. Those that did care woulid tie me to a chair and make me eat. I think that's a big part of what screwed my digestive system up like it is. Well that and family history. I didn't tell any of that to the dr though. The last thing I needed was one more person wanting to make everything all better with a pill.

I have to have at least one meal a day or I get tied to a chair In a way it's annoying, and in a way it helps. I mean they wouldn't go to all that trouble if they didn't care right? Having someone that cares around definitely helps.

Sorry people tied you up and force fed you. ;__; Sadly though, that's how they do things when it comes to getting anorexics and bulemic people to eat. Though I have never seen it, I remember when I was at a psych ward I saw an anorexic having to sit at a table with another staff who had to watch them eat a certain amount of food on their plate before they would let them go. That's how they got an anorexic to eat, and they would keep doing that same treatment until the person gained a healthy amount of weight. But how people help you in the psych wards, their way of doing things are awful and mean. They treat us like animals and are rude to us. I couldn't piss in peace without someone there standing by the door. And if I had to go use the bathroom, I had to ask the staff because all of the bathrooms are locked! D< And when they restrained me at one hospital, one guy told another staff "Let me do the honor" as if tieing me up was an honor for them and saw it as fun! I WAS PISSED! I'M NOT FOR YOUR FUCKING AMUSEMENT! I AM A HUMAN BEING DAMMIT, WITH FUCKING FEELINGS!!!! D< I made it hard for them though, I am notorious for getting out of restraints! >D It takes 6 grown men to restrain me, and they still have a difficult time doing it! XD Took two shots of sedative to calm me down... >.>; They had to pull out another type of restraints because the regualr ones didn't work on me. XD So yeah... I'm good at getting out of restraints and have done it several times. o_o;

Lost_Soul, if you need someone to talk to I'm here. I'm an aquired taste, but you might like me I know you have your lover, but sometimes having more than one person to talk to can help. The same goes for anyone who needs someone to talk to.

lol, thanks greenwizard. I'll think about that. I'm again, not one to talk to people about my problems, if I got to know you more, maybe I will take up the offer and come to you to talk about my shitty life. lol XD; Thanks, it was very thoughtful of you, glad to know you care about me that much! Though everything I have mentioned on here about what has happened to me so far is alot for what I usually would talk about to anyone. And it's all about my past. Now... well, it's not as bad as how it used to be, if that helps.

<Feels loved~! ^__^

[Lost_Soul]

I have been seriously depressed since the age of ten, a cutter since the age of twelve, and was diagnosed as suffering from depression at 21. I still have the condition and have been playing musical meds for years now, going from doctor to doctor trying to find a winning combination that will actually do something other than give me shitty side effects. I have gotten support from few people, most have no clue what it's like and are quick to judge and tell me to just 'snap out of it', as if it's my choice to have the condition and feel like crap all the time. *sigh*

I know the feeling. -__- And yeah, that's what people say to me to just 'snap out of it' and it really doesn't work that way. Even my family tells me that and I tell them it doesn't work that way and I have already tried that! DUMBASSES! DX< I do hope you get better, and if you feel like you need to rant about it, I opened this post just for that reason. This post is for anyone who wants to rant about their depression problems and get it off of their chest. I am here for you to listen and help you in any way I can. and so is greenwizard, sense she offered up herself and lend an open ear to anyone who needs to talk. (I think greenwizard is a girl... sorry if I am wrong greenwizard! >.<; )

[Lost_Soul]

During my middle school years, there was a "cutting fad" that passed through my town--a small suburban community outside of Milwaukee, mainly consisting of snotty white rich kids. Most of the people that began to cut during that time were doing it for attention, and that was the evironment I grew up in that mindset; "Oh. Cutters only do it for attention." Thankfully I've become a little bit smarter (at least I hope!) and have realized that yes, most of the people in my school cut for attention, but there were those that did it for a much deeper reason. Coincidentally, a lot of those people are now my close friends. I have a friend who only stopped cutting himself 3 months ago--and I never knew he did until he actually told me about a week ago. He was on anti-depressants for a while, and I would say they helped, but I can't know for sure; he is one of the best-natured and happiest people I know, at least on the surface. I have never once heard him complain about how bad his life is, and he is constantly making people laugh around him. Another one of my friends actually attempted suicide around 2 weeks ago because his girlfriend dumped him in a very messy way. Thankfully he thought better on it about halfway through, and he is still here. Now that I'm learning these things about my friends, I'm doing all I can to make sure that I really care for them and would do anything for them.

Yeah, that part there, about the rich white kids starting a fad on cutting would really piss me off and I think I would have gone off on them if I was there. >_< I take the whole cutting thing very seriously and I don't like fuckers like them treating it as some fad! I think I would have kicked some asses if I caught anyone doing that around my town. >_>

About your friend not telling you is how a cutter (real one who have mental problems) would go about it and keep it a secret and hide it from others. That's how I did it until I got caught. -__-; And he's probably hiding how he really feels from you and puts up this happy front. That's what some do. I do that, I hide how I really feel from people and put up this happy, nothing is wrong with me front so no one worries or knows my real problems. And not talking or complaing about how bad his life is another way he hides his problems, the same way I do it. Laughing helps make the problems go away sometimes, I do that myself and would joke about everything constantly and make fun of myself. So I know what he's doing, cause it's exactly how I go about things. You might want to let him know that you are there for him and are willing to listen and talk about anything he might want to let out. He's probably botteling up everything inside because he is most likely ashamed and afraid that someone would know about this problem he has and no one understanding him or are willing to help. You are a good person to help your friends when they need you, even at those crazy hours. Not many people would do that for someone. My advice is help support the one who you mentioned is taking meds and recently stop cutting, he is taking a big step and don't let him do it alone. He will need a good friend like you to be there for him when things do fall backwards, and trust me, those things happen a lot to people who go through this shit.

From personal experience of being depressed, I was essentially abandoned by many of those who I believe to be my friends. When I tried asking my parents about seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist, they blew me off and didn't take me seriously. There happens to be a distinct belief that no one in my family suffers from any mental disorder and never will; most of my family members believe that mental disorders are "made up" disorders people only create to get attention or use for ulterior motives. I love my family dearly, but that is one thing that really bothers me. Anyway, even after my attempts at finding help, a lot of my friends slowly started drifting away from me. I had a few even tell me on more than one occasion that I "just wasn't fun to hang around with anymore" and that "I needed to get over myself and stop being so sad all of the time." Eventually I was left all alone. I could have tried ending it then, but I didn't.

I am sorry that has happened to you. -__- I had the same thing happen to me almost. My mother didn't want to believe that I had a severe mental problem and she had a hard time understanding it. I think she is in denial about it. And she didn't want to deal with me and my shit anymore that she made me move away from her and live with my father cause he suffers from depression, so she thought he would help. The problem is, how can two depressed people help each other!? D< And she never helped me during the my hard time and ignored it, she was very cruel about all of it; her, my step dad, sister, and my mothers family. And my friends who I thought were friends did the same thing to me as they did to you and said the very same things ironically. I'm so very sorry, I wish I was there for you and we both could have been depressed together! X3; (sorry, I was trying to lighten the mood and be funny about this... >.>; hope I didn't anger you about this)

I suppose I have a type of "tough love" attitude on this sort of thing because I essentially had to pull myself up out of that dark hole with no other help. I know better than to expect everyone else to be able to do that, especially since I probably only had a mild form of depression or something close to it, but I suppose it gets hard for me to empathize with people who claim they are depressed and want you to do all of the work for them. However, I've also learned that being dumped by your friends sucks and I could never, ever do that to anyone who called on me for help. I have been there for my friend who tried committing suicide whenever he has needed it--even if its at 2:30 in the morning.

Tough love is good, my fathers coworker and friend gave me tough love. She was great though and she was like another mother I never had. And you having to pull yourself out of the mess only makes you even stronger, that's what I did most of the time when I was left alone during the whole process. And your right, people who are depressed has to make an effort, you can't expect everyone to do everything for you, how the hell would you be able to deal with it and get better on your own during the times when you are left alone you know. And being dumped by your friends does suck alot! DX It's a bitch! >_< It sucks to be left in the dark and alone. And it's good to know you won't do that to another person who will go through something like this. Makes you a better person and a true friend. ^__^

I think people only alienate others because of "cutting issues" or depression because they are close-minded and don't understand. People tend to stay away from things they don't understand. I have a weird view on the matter, because while I can't just abandon my friends who need help, I also have the "you need to help yourself before anyone else can" attitude from personal experience. It's hard to define the line between the two.

True. Many are close-minded and choose not to fully understand. And I also agree with you on "you need to help yourself before anyone else can". I don't think you are being harsh about it, it's telling the ones who have depression and/or cutters that, you have to be willing to get yourself better, otherwise, your just wasting your time on helping them. You know what I mean?

Thank you for making this post, Lost_Soul. It must have taken you so much courage to talk about something so personal; I congradulate you on being so brave. Sometimes it's good to bring these things out in the open. So thank you.

Thanks Juno for your kind words and compliment. I was actually very terrified to post this topic up for all the world to see. I can't believe how much I have opened up and told my past and deep dark secret of myself that I am very ashamed of to everyone. I can't believe how much I have said already. I just hope people don't see me differently on here and think of me as some freak. Because if that happens... I might delete this whole topic. -__-

[greenwizard]

Why do people keep thinking I'm a girl? lol I have that one yahoo email.... but I just wanted to make a female roleplay character dammit!! *sigh* I sucked at playing a female too...Go figure.

But you're right Juno. As I said about my friend, you can't help those that don't seem to care enough to want help. She is perfectly content to drink, smoke weed, and have sex with random strangers. What can I do?

When I was trying I used tough love on her. She would sink into self pity when her latest boyfriend dumped her I would point out that it was her own damn fault. If she wanted things to change she was going to have to change the way she went about things. Surprisingly going to a bar and going home with a man to fuck his brains out first, then deciding if you want a relationship with him never seems to work out for her.

I have a high sex drive myself, but I've been able to contain myself. I have never gone home with a random stranger despite getting invites. I content myself with my hand because I have very old fashioned views about sex. That and I know that just having sex with a random person that doesn't care about me wouldn't fill the void. My hand does a better job than a random stranger would.

[Guest Savaial]

Lost_Soul, I just want to add this:

Don't buy into what other people tell you is acceptable, even if they are your own family. Your family is a great support group if you are lucky. If you aren't lucky they are a splinter that keeps going deeper and deeper into a tender part of you. It doesn't matter if they mean well or not; they will never be YOU and they will never have YOUR problems. Love them and forgive them for not knowing who you are and you will feel so much more free.

Don't judge yourself harshly for having mental or emotional problems. Don't freak out if you like to cut. The only difference between you and the guy who has full sleeve tattoos is his method is acceptable by society and yours isn't. Granted, you don't want to have a plethora of scars to explain or hide, but neither should you assume you're really fucked up because of how you deal with the pressure of living.

No one has the right to tell you how you are a screw-up. We are all screwed up. Some of us hide it well, but we all deal with judgment, we all deal with that inner voice that says, "You're doing it wrong!"

You can't fail at being human. No matter how bad you might feel, no matter how awfully you've dealt with what gets thrown at you, you can't fail. Ignore those who are quick to tell you how bad you are and just recognize that this is a test that has no curve. You are beautiful the way you are. Love yourself and those horrible things others are so quick to tell you will fall away like chaff in the wind.

[Lost_Soul]

Lost_Soul, I just want to add this:

Don't buy into what other people tell you is acceptable, even if they are your own family. Your family is a great support group if you are lucky. If you aren't lucky they are a splinter that keeps going deeper and deeper into a tender part of you. It doesn't matter if they mean well or not; they will never be YOU and they will never have YOUR problems. Love them and forgive them for not knowing who you are and you will feel so much more free.

Don't judge yourself harshly for having mental or emotional problems. Don't freak out if you like to cut. The only difference between you and the guy who has full sleeve tattoos is his method is acceptable by society and yours isn't. Granted, you don't want to have a plethora of scars to explain or hide, but neither should you assume you're really fucked up because of how you deal with the pressure of living.

No one has the right to tell you how you are a screw-up. We are all screwed up. Some of us hide it well, but we all deal with judgment, we all deal with that inner voice that says, "You're doing it wrong!"

You can't fail at being human. No matter how bad you might feel, no matter how awfully you've dealt with what gets thrown at you, you can't fail. Ignore those who are quick to tell you how bad you are and just recognize that this is a test that has no curve. You are beautiful the way you are. Love yourself and those horrible things others are so quick to tell you will fall away like chaff in the wind.

;__; I will take your kind and loving words and carry them in my heart dearly! T__T I will do and try to follow your helpful words the best I can, Thank you~ Savaial! <3 :3

[StoryJunkie]

Came across your poll the other day, but I'm a bit hesitant to dip the tips of my fingers into this pond. Basically because I pretty much don't know anything about this condition. However, my niece has cut herself, was hospitalized, and tried cutting (got worse) herself with a plastic spoon, and my brother and sister-in-law couldn't take it after two weeks brought her home. Putting her in the hospital made her worse not better.

The closest I came to self-destructive behaviour was that time I had 8 rum and cokes in one night. I'll never do that again.

I really like Savaial's post. I think no one can give you better advice.

[Lost_Soul]

Came across your poll the other day, but I'm a bit hesitant to dip the tips of my fingers into this pond. Basically because I pretty much don't know anything about this condition. However, my niece has cut herself, was hospitalized, and tried cutting (got worse) herself with a plastic spoon, and my brother and sister-in-law couldn't take it after two weeks brought her home. Putting her in the hospital made her worse not better.

The closest I came to self-destructive behaviour was that time I had 8 rum and cokes in one night. I'll never do that again.

I really like Savaial's post. I think no one can give you better advice.

Thanks Storyjunkie. ^^ And uhm... hospitals don't work when it comes to that, they DO make everything worse... I should know... -__- I'm sorry that had happened to your niece. I hope she gets the help and support she needs to get over it. (if shes still cutting herself) And thanks for taking the time to look at the topic, even though you don't know much about this. It shows that you are willing to know more about it and understand it. And I appreciate your willingness. ^__^ And also, I have added another option in the poll, for you because of what you have mentioned; it says: "No, I do not know someone who suffers and is diagnosed with depression, but I know someone who is a cutter" hows that? So now you can do the poll! XD;

[StoryJunkie]

er, um...well, I had already cast vote #2, but thank you very much for the option. I would have picked it in a New York second.

I don't know if my niece was actually depressed, but one of my takes on it was raging hormones. (She was 14 or 15 at the time) I think that certain commercial products like poultry and beef (probably pork as well) are pumped with hormones to make them meatier, and I think that when a young person who suddenly hits puberty and has been fed these things all their life will suddenly get massive swings in their moods. Trust me, I went through that awful time (puberty) as well, and pretty much I was left to figure things out on my own. It's bad enough without anything extra burdening a person down. Honestly, Doctors should routinely check people's hormone/chemical levels or something before diagnosing stuff. Did you hear about what happened to an entire town in France once when the miller didn't clean his rye? So many people died and so many got sick and many more hallucinated for weeks. (Ergot poisoning...very similar to LSD, but way more potent)

Another thought that comes to mind is the changing diet of Japanese teenagers. Now girls have to get bigger bras.