Need a beta/advise

[spiritwolf]

I got pretty good reviews on the first story I wrote bith here and the other place I placed it , however with the first chapter of my second story I was told that it's choppy. I have since gone back and re wrote a lot of it but I dont know if maybe I have a crappy writing style and no ones telling me or If it was just a fluke for the first chapter of my second story... If anyone wants to peek

http://games.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600087744 is the first story (But it's long)

http://games.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600087875 is my problem child

[Aysha c.c.]

You haven't told us what ether story is about and I for one will not be tricked into reading something M/M Not Now Not Ever

[spiritwolf]

Well they are both Mass Effect sorry. The first one is F/F but I don't have any smut in them (As much as one reviewer wanted) and I just finished reworking the first chapter of the second story but I still dont think anyone likes it. Plus I decided today I really hate when someone gives you a bit of criticism and then you go and re work it alot and then you tell them and they say nothing. I think this chapter is very quickly putting me in the depressed stage

[Slayitalldown]

I wouldn't get depressed, I'd start exploring the mechanics of story-telling more.

The first part is a lot of exposition. I don't know the first thing about Mass Effect so lets just focus on the mechanics of your method of narrating - your 'story' starts out as a documentary. The information is awesome but not really entertaining. It is one of the biggest conundrums - how do you take all that data and make it interesting instead of a history lecture?

Still working on it myself so no expert here but one tip I've found is to de-construct, analyse and put it all back together but think of how it would be presented in a film. Think of Avatar (I reference it because unless you live on Jupiter you must have seen it at least once and come on, Jupiter would have it on Blu-Ray by now even with the space program in ruins) had been a 20 minute info-dump, Star Wars style, straight down the screen to fill in the picture to start off with no one would sit through it. They took a very big and elaborate idea and broke it down into the parts we needed to know - every character had a very explicit purpose in explaining the setting through dialogue and action. Its 35 minutes into the film before the real story starts and its intriguing, entertaining, the characters are set into place and we understand the environment enough to feel something when the real stuff starts to happen - "That woman is throwing away Jakes fire-stick... is she crazy?!??!?!"

I would de-construct the characters and assign them a purpose as both character and information providers as part of their role and have them in the beginning of the story, not half way through. Beginnings are hard. Maybe someone standing by a window musing at the colourlessness of space? Remember that in telling a story, everyone in it has a purpose - there really are no 'extras' with written stories. Be their purpose great or small [eg: unknown red-shirt runs in: "Captain, the incredibly touchy back-up power supply has a red flashing light, we're all in imminent danger!" he gasps, then collapses. "He's dead, Jim." says Bones.] if they have a purpose to further the story then we don't need to know about the brush with tapeworm that his cousin's best friend's sister's boyfriend's mum's puppy had last summer, just that his death signals imminent doom. So he does a little info-dump before we discard him... disposable characters are a great way to foreshadow.

Remember the truck rolling past with the big arrows sticking out of it, the marines commenting 'meals on wheels' before the 'good old-fashioned safety brief'? We had questions following that moment that the General got straight into answering. He may have had a duel purpose in being the villain at the end of the story but the General's speech in the beginning of Avatar made us feel small, human and unsafe in this strange setting.

I won't go into the rest all I can say is it would have made a great screen-saver if it weren't for all that crap in the middle, but you get the idea.

Having said that, bigger characters were essential to setting up the conflict. The argument between Grace and Parker that shows us the 'Unobtanium' (its so clumsy if makes me giggle every time) plot device and they maintain their trajectory to their demise. We feel for Grace's cultured and scientific mixed with caring ideals and we hate Parker's materialism and total lack of compassion - that was their purpose.

Your story has a lot of information that could be passed on in a similar way. Don't discount it. You need to do more work but it will be worth the effort when you produce something you're proud to call your own, a big idea with lots of relatable characters with a story to tell.

By all means, good luck.

[spiritwolf]

Thank you for the advise, funny think was that info dump was not there my first time through but like I said some some one complained and mentioned that she didn't understand certain things so then the info dump was placed there to give readers a rehash of what happened in my first story. Then I changed the second draft as well based on other things that people pointed out and basically i ended up with a chapter that looked nothing like the original and had an extra thousand words I never expected to write.

This is my second fan fic ever and I have a hard time including people that don't know whats going on. Some say I should have and some say I should so I kinda go in the middle.

I will look into you advise and see how I can incorprate it, thanks it is appreciated.